Sunday, May 9, 2010

An Open Letter To The Big O (And No, Not *THAT* "Big O"!)

Dear Oprah,

I'm sorry I missed your little Eclipse special screening... I guess my invitation must have gotten lost in the mail... I'm not going to lie, I'm a little upset right now and am strongly considering terminating our relationship. Imagine my surprise when I had to hear about the screening on Twitter. I thought we were friends! I feel cheated. And I'm gonna be pissed if I found out my mailman was there instead of me. I'll slash that asshole's tires if he stole my Eclipse invitation. He should know by now that you don't want to fuck with me. I've got an artillery at my fingertips and won't hesitate to launch an offensive attack at his makeshift mail truck the next time he stops at my mailbox. Dude won't know what hit him. But I know that's not your fault, Oprah. Oh wait, yes it is... "Certified Mail," bitch! Ever hear of it? If you haven't, I am sure someone on your staff has....

Why Oprah? WHYYYYYYY... didn't you invite Latchkey Wife? Have you any idea what you've done?

I know how you can make it up to me, Oprah. You know that special show you have scheduled for May 13th? You know, the one on RPattz's birthday? I think you can FedEx me three tickets to your show and include some airfare in the mix. The tickets should be addressed to Latchkey Wife, Jenny Jerkface and Snarkier Than You. Oh and we'll also need accommodations please. Preferably in the same room where Robert Pattinson is staying. No need for extra beds, the three of us will happily snuggle with Rob in his nice king size bed. That's at least until I push those other two bitches out onto the floor so I can have him all to myself. [Note from STY: I hope he's into catfights! Mrrrow!]

Hey Oprah, if I don't get those tickets, this is exactly where you're gonna get kicked!

Ok, where was I? Oh right, the show. We will require front row seats at this uber special show. Unless I can sit on Rob's lap - that would be preferable - and in that case, only two tickets are needed for JJ and STY. If his lap is unavailable, please make sure you don't let the Stew touch him in my presence. I'd hate to have to go all kung fu on her ass on national television but I will, so don't tempt me. And we also want to be included in any pre- or post-show parties. Let me know if it's BYOB. I'll be happy to provide all of Rob's alcohol (and no, it won't contain roofies.... I promise. *crosses fingers*)

Dear RPatts: Please don't go Tom Cruise on us on Oprah. We know you like KStew, m'kay?

Lastly, as part of your atonement, could you please have the actors perform a reenactment of the entire movie for my own personal viewing? That would be awesome. And since it's for my eyes only, I would like the leg hitch scene to be done naked. And then could you please send RPattz to my house (like you did for that other family?) I would really appreciate a visit from him and I swear I won't lock him in my bedroom and perform dirty sexual acts on him. Even if he begs.

Kinda like this, but playing the part of Bella Swan will be Latchkey Wife. Boo-ya!

I look forward to hearing back from you Oprah. I'm sure there's much you can do to save our friendship.

Latchkey Wife

PS - Please don't say anything to Rob about my attendance. He may or may not have a restraining order against me. I promise to show up in disguise.

PPS - Yes, I know they taped the show already... but a girl can dream... right?


  1. LKW...YES. A girl can dream. LMAO! Nice letter. And totally dig that pic of Oprah. Gawd she looks horrid.
    Can't wait till Thursday!
    xo J

  2. Oh, LKW...Do you know that I love you? Not in an ass-tp-mouth kinda way, no. But more like a "I've had too much whiskey, and your tits look fabulous in that shirt" kinda way.

    I have to say, I totally did think it was *THAT* "Big O," and I was slightly disappointed. I thought maybe you were pulling a Wallbanger and talking to your 'gasms, wondering why you haven't gotten one from Robward yet (IRL, of course). The pic of Oprah is awesome, and I'm pretty sure that's the "O" face you'd get when you do kick her in the coot. I think, maybe, she'll do another show for the premier of Eclipse, and she'll send you an invite for that one instead. Then she'll fly your fine asses to the red carpet premier and you can watch in style with The Precious and all the rest of those fuckers. *If Xavier is as hot IRL as he is in the previews/interviews, he might be a good idea for plan B...just sayin'*


  3. Aww too bad the show's already over. 'Cause that letter might, just might have persuaded Oprah to let y'all attend the show --esp the eminent threat to her treasured va-jay-jay bwhahahaha

    p.s. I'm soooo game for a nekkid leg hitch!

  4. it's hard to make magic stike twice. but here's to hoping oprah's peeps are as fuckawesome as yours and lift you straight up to her. sometimes when you need amiracle you have to pray extra hard
    "dear god... make me a bird... so i can fly far... far, far away..."
    i can indeed see why they have dubbed you the "third leg". :) the pic of rob screaming WHY?! made me pee a little. i think. or is that just pre-cum? "omg did he just SAY that?"


    @lindsay- "But more like a "I've had too much whiskey, and your tits look fabulous in that shirt" kinda way." ohhh how i LOVE that feeling. that usually means i'm having a good night. :)

  5. FREAKing LOVE this!!

    I think we should all kick Oprah in the va jay jay for forgetting to include us bloggy types... Can't wait to see who they got... do they even blog?

    ...sniff, sniff... so jealous.

  6. LMAO!!!!This is purrrrfect! And now after that letter the big O may or may not have a restraining order on you! You could always try for the Ellen show!

    And yes RPattz, No Tom Cruise jumping... unless you'd be willing to do it nekkid!

  7. So how did all of those lucky bitches in the audience get their tickets, anyway???!
    Apparently "my" people aren't doing their job and forgot to contact Oprah's people. LKW, that was another great post! I'm starting to pride myself when I can correctly guess who wrote each day's post before I get to the end, cause all 3 of you have your own wonderfully unique and depraved styles :)

  8. Hahaha, LKW, you rock, beeyotch. The image of you terrorizing your mailman just about made me piss myself. I pictured little cartoon you crouching behind a shrubbery with a rocket launcher, unsuspecting postman timidly approaching the mailbox. "SUCK IT, YOU POSTAL MOTHERFUCKER!!"

    And shit, girl, if Rob was visiting your house, and he begged for it from you, you sure as hell better give it to him!

    @TongueTwied - I'm all for RPattz couch-jumping nekkid!

    Wait, actually? I just thought about what that would actually be like... weirrdd.

  9. I'm mad at Oprah too! Not only do I live in Chicago I was told they were using the embarrassing video I made for the sole purpose of possibly being in the audience. AFTER I signed the release form they told me the audience was full. WTF, Oprah, WHAT. THE. F.

  10. Hey ladies, I was OUTSIDE the O show last Wednesday.... my invite must have been lost as well! So my two RL twimom/twitard friends and I left the kids and hubbys to fend for themselves and made the trek to the big city. My observations of "the chosen" few: There were a whole lot if 18-23 yr old looking skanks decked out in heels and mini skirts, awkward looking 14 year olds and then the twimom contingent. I tried not to look at the ladies in the real line for fear that I might want to stab them with a fork or something. I stood outside and screamed at the SUV's that carried the actors into Harpo studio and it was actually fun!! I was very disappointed that none if them rolled down the window or signed autographs-- guess they only do the fan thing when they are " made to" and the cameras are rolling. I totally think that a Large portion of the seats were given out randomly. I talked to a few who did go inside and they did not seem interesting or smart enough to have written a stellar entry... Sour grapes? You betcha!! I would have loved to see the twitarded gals enter ...all that would have been needed is a picture of the unmentionables !!!! Hope you try for Ellen!!!!

  11. @nobodygirl - w.t.f. indeed - what a fucking scam! that's sucky! couldn't she have at least given you a shiny silver volvo or something for your efforts???

  12. Oprah's Va jay jay!!!!!!!! Do you twatwaffles (btw new favorite word) watch The Soup!!!!????

  13. Yeah I say you just kick the biotch, she lost major points with me for even asking Summit to show a rough cut and that in turn loses them points for allowing it- bastards. Oh that and the fact that she asked what I now refer to as "the stupid fucking question" stop asking them if they are an item cuz I for one don't give a flying rat's ass (as I think it's a bad idea) and I know they're not gonna answer it anyway.

  14. @LKW--I agree with @TongueTwied you should go for Ellen...she is more apt to love Twitards anyhoo...not nearly as uptight us Oprah. If you go to Ellen you better get me a ticket too with airfare...I'll just hunt down Rob's old Beemer and sleep in that.

    @Mr.Pantz--touche on the male fluid comment. Teehee!

    @nobodygirl--That just fucking sucks. Total bullshit! Maybe there will be footage of Rob commenting on it to make up for it.

  15. Yes, Twitarded belonged there!! I can't imagine any more deserving whores she could have found. Y'all got robbed.

  16. I was soooo fucking jealous when I read about that one family who Rob visited, but only for a moment. And, I wasn't at all envious when I read Twilight Junkies Anonymous recount of them being at Oprah that day.

    I don't know. I guess like The Wease, I don't really want to meet Rob in RL. Please don't revoke my membership over this.

    p.s. now, Kellan Lutz... well, that's a whole different matter.

  17. i thought everybody knew...most of the tix for an epic show like this one - with mr pattinson in the house - usually all go to industry types, with a few token "joe q public".

    celebs do pull rank too, even for the O show.

    vw: verget

    so, whaddya care you missed the oprah show? verget about it! are you surprised?

  18. Oprah is a whore. You know the audiance was just a bunch of suckers who got their ticket like a year ago...They might not even know who the Precious is!!! Heaven help them! All I know is I did really send a letter to Oprah...all sappy and get me and Purple Cupcake there! I even said we would make cake for Rob (Oh we would make him cake.....mmmmmmmmmmmm)!!! And we live within hours of need for air-fair. Then that dirty bitch...Oprah. So I guess the fucking audiance also got to see Eclipse?! That is just insulting. I hate Oprah.

  19. if that gayle bitch got to hug him, I might just stop my subscription to her "vowel only because I'm so all that people call me a letter magazine"

  20. @latchkey wife-"playing the part of Bella Swan in the meadow - Latchkey Wife (with BETTER HAIR!!)

  21. I'm glad I'm not the only one who feels a little slighted by the big "O" - and by "O", I mean I'm renaming her Ogre instead of Oprah.

    I will admit, that unlike a lot of you, I did not take the time to write Oprah a heart felt letter outlining my love for all things Twilight. I'm still a closet blogger so I really don't need millions of people knowing about me. Plus, honestly, how can anyone expect me to act like a respectable human being in the presence of such hawtness!! I cannot be held accountable for my actions. And I really don't want to be in prison and miss the trip to Forks because that would just suck sweaty ass.

  22. @LKW- whoa, whoa, whoa... unless i'm mistaken, it almost sounded as if you're suggesting that sucking on sweaty ass is a negative thing. i always thought of it as a rather special day when i get that kind of action.

  23. Here's the thing about Oprah - I'm not really a fan. And there is absolutely no way she would ever have of us, or anyone heavily associated with us on her show. Oprah's about puppies and butterflies and perservering in the face of hardship and stuff.

    We're about cocks and vaginas and bad acting.

    {Pulls out soapbox and climbs on}
    People out there don't want to think that women our age think about the things we discuss here. We're supposed to be wives and mothers, or career women. We're not supposed to be sexual or crass (or unashamed about it, for that matter)and I think that it scares some people. Adult women talking about how their vaginas tingle at the mere sight of a 20-something man. Veeeeeeery bad.

    Fuck them. {hops off soapbox}

    I would have totally pulled a Tom Cruise if I ever got on Oprah, just for the record.

  24. @Mr. Pantz - Are you saying you have chronic sweaty ass? I think they have a powder for that affliction! LOL!

  25. @LKW- no, no. just that if i have an opportunity tosuck some sweaty ass it's usually been a good news day. of course, i'm speaking literally here... :)

  26. You get that mail man!!! I don't really get why they are so uber picky about the audience. Only real fans should have been in there. The night before the lady said "I want some of you to wear Twilight stuff and some to look sexy." I literally thought to myself WTF BIOTCH!!! Only the 'pretty sexy dressed ones got to sit down front.. stupid slutty bitches. But I at least got to be there, and got Rob's attention w/out flashing him, so I shouldn't really complain.

    @twiholic- I really thought I wouldn't care about meeting Robward in RL. But if I had the chance it would be awesome. I have already thought of all the inappropriate ways I would touch him. But, I'd choose KLutz first tho. I would whore myself out for that!!! My ex would be disappointed if he knew the things I'd be willing to do for that man.


  27. @Mr. Pantz - LOL! I'm not sure there IS such a thing as TMI in Twitardia. Haven't you learned that by now?

    @kassiecullen - Why have you not emailed us a detailed account of your close proximity to 'the precious'. {{sits in front of email and waits for message}}

  28. @LKW- true, true. but i'm just not sure where the line is for me being a man and all. when it's all women, i'm sure it's a little more comfortable. just not sure how me being a man and throwing in my dirty talk comes out for everyone... still getting my bearings here. :) if it's all good with everyone, i'll just let it "all hang out" (i mean, it might take a little bit for me to unfold it all...) and not worry about it so much!

    wv - subrail - the absolutely awesome combination of getting to fuck AND eat a sandwich at the same time! now if i could just get that coaster to stay up on her ass...

  29. @JJ - a-fucking-men. The general schmaltzy-ness sunshine and rainbows of the Oprah show makes me queasy. That woman drives me nuts.

    No I won't be watching on Thursday - I'm working, then I'm going to go watch some paint dry or maybe I'll round up some dust bunnies.

  30. Oprah's a twat (ducks out of the way of the lightning)...just saying.

  31. I feel your rage, girl. I've been a bit embarrassed this week that I was kicking my own ass for not driving 2 hours to harpo studios last Wed.....but the fact is....the friends of mine that did go didn't get to see jack squat. Still doesn't make me feel better.

  32. Mr. Pantz,
    You are so awesome how I wish I had a boss like you. In the midst of foreclosure and pushing a shopping cart, God bless all of Twitardom who make me laugh my self to pee every day! All you fine biatches make me proud to cuss like a truck driver and better!
    Oprah, I'm pissed at you too! I bought ALL of your weight loss books and we are both still FAT! You hurt the 3 bitches you hurt us all!! Shame on you for not having a good sense of humor!
    Love to you all in Twitardia!!!

  33. @Anon- Thanks! I just try to think, "How would I want my boss to talk to me?" Then I clean it up A LOT and send it out... :)

    So do we need to unleash the full force of Twitardia against Oprah old school David Letterman style?

  34. @kassiecullen - How did you get your Oprah tickets?

    The Ellen Show tapes near me, but those tickets were gone months ago and all they say is that you can call the day of the show and maybe get stand-by tickets. Yeah, right.

  35. @LKW- I have just started co-blogging with Isabella Marie Cullen over at Twilight Junkies Anonymous and she has detailed our experiences seeing Eclipse and being at the Oprah taping. My first post was a letter to Rob in which I detail which crazy chick I was in the audience lol. He will remember me I'm sure of it... I was the only person that screamed ROB!!! One girl yelled Taylor but everyone was being pretty subdued. If you'd like check out the blog and repost our stories I'm sure your readers will get a kick out of it.
    @Twilove1- My good friend wrote a letter to Oprah and they chose her... not only did we get to go to the Twilight taping and Eclipse preview we also got to go to the live episode the week b4 when they showed the newest Eclipse preview. IDK how we got so lucky!!! I'm just really grateful we got the chance.

  36. JJ, I would pay money to see you pull a Tom Cruise on Oprah's couch, scare the over paid bitch off. I would love it if you, STY and LKW took over the interview, sk the real questions that concern us.

    For example...

    KStew- Does Rob like it on top or on bottom? Do you use lube or are you like us, continuously damp thanks to Rob?

    Taylor- Do you feel like a third wheel at these events? Because no one really pays attention to you when Robs around. Does that bother you?

    Rob-*slips him my room key* So, do you mind when women stare directly at your crotch and wonder... where the fuck is it? Can you stand up and show us all, once and for all, that yes, you have a monster cock?

    Then I would let the mature women of certain ages have at him. Fucking run over the tweens who have no idea what to do with their girly bits.

  37. OME, I should really start limiting my reading of this blog for when I'm at home, I'm sure my cubeville neighbors do not appreciate my frequent guffahs. But dang it, sometimes a girl needs a guffah!

    Uhh, sorry, got distracted. My friend just sent me a picture of herself topless stradling a chair in a tattoo shop. I'm assuming she got a tattoo...

    Ok, where was I?? Frack. Oh well, I suppose I should accomplish something in the last two hours of work.

  38. @ Jaksonstat- No worries. That's a shared sentiment around Twitardia. I realized when I was flittering about my house, doing things half assed, that I had indeed developed some form of ADD or OCD. *Obsessive Cullen Disordr* My thought's weould ping pong between checking my favorite bloggy site, has my fav fan fic's updated, and what I was gonna cook for dinner. We're all afflicted. What tat did your friend get?

    @MrPantz- WELCOME! Loved your letter. It was empowering to read. Thankyou. And on a slightly dirtier note, yes, I think we should blackmail Oprah, David Letterman style. LOL! But who would we say she was sleeping with? Hmmm.

  39. Hiya Kerri :) She got her last name in Russian (as written by her grandmother). It's really beautiful and totally unique, just like her. And now I understand her being topless, it's 12 inches long written down her back... um, ow. But pain aside, seeing hers now has me jonzing for another one.

  40. @ Kerri: Those questions--LMFAO! God if only we had the answers to those probing questions.
    Ooh ooh! I'd have another question for Stew. --Since you're on the big "O"-prah show (perfect segue) ...can you tell us what Rob's "O" face looks like??? ..I bet its funny, is it funny?

  41. i so wanted to be there. can't wait to watch it and analyze his every move on thursday, just kidding...okay, not really.

    on another note...anyone care to rec some fanfiction for moi.
    so far i've liked wide awake, the list, MOTU (duh), Univ of Ed Masen, ed wallbanger...
    it make me happy okay! don't judge. i know my fellow twitards "get it".

  42. For the record, I have NEVER been an Oprah fan and never understood the appeal. Oh I tried a few times in my life. I just can't get over her.

    Example: I love Discovery channel nature shows. I haven't seen all of the new Life shows yet, simply because Oprah is the narrator. They should've stuck with Sigourney Weaver.

    The point is... she will never invite people like us, but we shouldn't give a shit cuz we're more REAL than she can fucking handle!!!

    @Jelena - If you're getting kicked out then I am too. I don't really have a huge interest in meeting Rob... but KLutz may be a different story. ;)

  43. if that gayle bitch got to hug him, I might just stop my subscription to her "vowel only because I'm so all that people call me a letter magazine"


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