Tuesday, August 10, 2010

Guess Who Didn't Go to BlogHer? Not That I'm Bitter Or Anything...

That's right bitches... I got totally left behind as you all know. Relegated to tending the Twitarded blogosphere to make sure there were no security breaches, no unexpected break-ins and RPattz didn't disappear on us. But that's ok, no hard feelings. Really. Although if I lived within a reasonable drive from Jenny Jerkface and Snarkier Than You, I think I may have toilet papered their front bushes and egged their houses.

I did find ways to cope with my downward spiral of depression (and no, it didn't come in the pill form... not that there's anything wrong with those of you who find solace in pharmaceuticals.) After my therapeutic, semi-hysterical crying jag Friday night, I pulled myself up by the bootstraps and tried to make something of my weekend.

Sure I wasn't in NYC partying hard with bloggy bitches from 'round the world, filming riotous dance-off videos, and filling my hotel pillowcases with swag. But I did have one thing that kept me from jamming the barrel of my brand-new 20-gauge shotgun in my mouth. I had one tall, lanky Brit... codename: RPattz.

I'd like to smoke something... that's for sure.

Now call me crazy, but when I'm feeling glum, scouring the interwebs for panty-wetting photos of the preh-tay is what turns my frown upside down. He's my shoulder to cry on, my Zoloft, my Paxil, my Prozac... He brightens my day like a world with no ozone layer.

Well hello Prozac... fancy meeting you here.

Screw all those lucky whores who got to browse the Expo halls scoring swag, learn how to write kick-assier blogs, attend alcohol-laden festivities and hang with The [mother fucking] Bloggess! Screw 'em I say! I got to hang with the precious. And by hang, I mean drool on my computer keyboard for hours on end staring at photos and watching videos... not like I got to cup his balls or anything. (Which just for the record is something that's definitely at the top of my bucket list.)

I'm sorry, what's my name again... my brain and my vagina just melted.

Once again, I have the uber-talented Biel to thank for pulling me out of my funk. I uncontrollably squealed when I saw she'd posted a new video on YouTube and totally forgot I'd been kicked to the curb by my bloggy besties. You may have already seen it - but fuck, it's good. Watch it again. And again.



Jesus mother fucking hamster fucker, that boy is dangerous! But I digress... I know I wasn't left behind intentionally... I know next year, I'll see you twat stains in San Diego even if I have to sell blowjobs to get there... and I know that JJ and STY learned loads of good stuff at BlogHer and I wait with breathless anticipation for them to share this knowledge with me.

No hard feelings. Really. Bitch-faces.

31 comments:

  1. oh.my.god. Best video EVER!!!
    I totally agree with JMFHF!

    Since they left you at home, I hope they brought you one of everything!

    Cheryl

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  2. he is wearing a torn up t-shirt BACKWARDS in that first pic and somehow manages to look like sex on a stick! when i put my clothes on backwards, people look at me like i just escaped from the asylum. again.

    and i want to just walk around in front of Biel and sprinkle rose petals for her to walk on everywhere she goes so she GETS how much her waling this earth and creating these masterpiece vids means to us! totally not kidding. hardly.

    : )

    and WE MISSED YOU SO FUCKING MUCH LKW! but you should have waited until AFTER we divvied up the swag to make fun of us - lol! oh FINE i suppose we might still have a little tiny trinket for you... we'll see... don't hurt me.

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  3. I agree! He totally cures depression. Did you know that he is also a great happy place to go to when you are getting a root canal? It's true! I would know since I had to think of his beautiful face yesterday in the dentist chair

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  4. First time seeing that video. I know, whatever. Anyway, the “pretty and precious” is just really fucking gorgeous.

    Btw, I totally wish that I could have gone to BlogHer too! But there is still FOOOORKKKSS!

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  5. I hope there's a big package...erm..I mean gift bag full of swag in the mail headed your way. If not, I'll be sure to send the bitter bus your way.

    w/v bedder. As in there bedder be some gifties for you. :)

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  6. Gaaaah I keep forgetting to watch the new Biel vid. I am soooo doing that when I get home, over a LARGE glass of wine :)

    xo J

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  7. I'll begrudgingly admit it, he does look good in those pics.

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  8. LKW! I love ya girlie! Thanks for posting that vid and those delish pics! You made my night!!

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  9. THAT VIDEO. Seriously. More and more I'm leaning toward the theory that HE JUST ISN'T REAL. What boy can wear a ripped up t shirt backwards, and drive otherwise perfectly normal, grown women insane?! It's just wrong! GAH!
    Now I'm going to go watch it a few more times, try & catch my breath and pray I dream of him. God help me. Goodnight.

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  10. Oh gods....All things Beil. Her ass has a seat next to the highest god for all of the fuckhawt Prehtay shit she does...

    I'm sorry you didn't get to play at BlogHer, LKW, but just think. If you did go, you would have missed your manly man being a total CHICK over a rodent. And then we would have missed the story! Unacceptable.

    So suck it up, grab a fresh pair of AA batteries, and pick your favorite vids/pics. You'll be smiling in 90 seconds or less :)

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  11. @miss tejota - omfg YOU think he looks hot?! i think the earth just tipped off its axis - lol!! although your detailed explanation of his facial features when we were doing the elevator wait game the other night was VERY impressive. i think you need to write that shit down! is it pushy if i ask you to put it on your list??? i'm sorry i only really think of most things in like as potential blog fodder these days...

    : )

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  12. Daaayyyuumm!!! That video is HawT! I had thought it was one i'd seen but who cares, right? I most def. had not seen it. Biel is my new hero. watchin' that makes me forget all my little troubles.....

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  13. I worship at the alter of Beil, she is a godess.

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  14. Godammit! Do I have to start a fucking blog now just so I can join you twats in San Diego? Fuck.

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  15. Oh my god. I'm only up to the first paragraph but I need to interject - is it wrong that I am laughing out loud at "front bushes" ??

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  16. OK. Composure regained.

    FUCK ME that video is hot. That girl is talented!

    No prizes for guessing what's happening in my dreams tonight...

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  17. Ok, holy shit I never noticed his shirt was backwards too! And on closer inspection, maybe inside out?? Well it makes sense as he was dressing quickly to escape out my backdoor when my husband arrived home unexpectedly....

    I will worship at the altar of Biel also... she is so awesome!

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  18. Aaaaand I just watched the video again full screen on my iMac and let me tell you... put your face about 6 inches from the screen... it's like he's HERE with me. Ok, maybe one more time before I have to get ready for work. Damn this man... he routinely makes me late for work!

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  19. Can I just tell you a snortled my coffee when I read that cupping the precious's balls was on your bucket list? Thanks LKW. See you in Forks. Or hell. Whichever comes first.

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  20. I'm not a Twilight fan or anything, but just to prove that I care, I promise that if I get to meet Pattinson before you, I'll cup his balls for you. In a good way. Pinkie promise.

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  21. Awesome post LKW...'cup his balls' being on your bucket list. Just too fkn funny!

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  22. @LKW: MFing brilliant post as always. Someone had to hold court- glad it was you.

    @Fred Miller: LOL glad you dropped in :-)

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  23. @LKW - Thanks for holding down the fort, and they owe you big time! Too bad you couldn't have welcomed them back with a good ole fashioned TP job.

    @caninecologne & @prplelah- Yay! I saw on yesterday's comments that you guys live in SD. Others in the area are: SidewalkCandy (F-Kat), ZAnyMouse, TwiredJen, ElusiveS, & LuvsMeSumEdward. You'll have to join us sometime for some Twitarded mayhem.

    VW: donecock

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  24. I am LMFAO. When I have a frown I need turned upside down - I come here. Too funny: "...he was dressing quickly to excape out my backdoor when my husband arrived home unexpectedly." And, "When I put my clotes on backwards people look at me like I just escaped from the asylum. again." Have to go and watch that video some more, thanks for it btw.

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  25. @ LKW you just made my day - I haven't seen a new Rob vid in way too long and I have to change my undies now. There's just something about those schmexy eyes of his! SQUEEEEEE!!!!!!

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  26. @Twilove1 - cool, another San Diegan! :)

    ha ha, the word ver is:

    duching!

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  27. These vids just keep getting better and better. DAMN, really?! The sexy factor is totes ramped up by his unpretentious and seemingly genuine nature... and that coy smile of his. Yum! The dude is almost flawless. *sigh* Much better day now!! Thanks LKW! You're the best with RPattz pick-me-ups! AND for not leaving us alone to blubber in our wine glasses! I can't go 3 days without Twitarded. Hugs!

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  28. Wait! Wait! Wait! Those pictures in the red shirt around 1:50! Where did they come from?????

    I don't have those! Red shirt! Scruffy beard! I NEEEEEED!!!! Yes Please!

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  29. I'm already bitter that I won't be in FOOOORKS. Unless I win the lotto AND become a widow.

    Hmmmm.

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  30. and, and, what's that vid from at the very end?? Never seen it!! Don't have it! Pretty freaked out by that.

    Cannot have missing Prahtay vids. Not good.

    w/v: mulpi: I got nuthin.

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  31. Ok, holy shit I never noticed his shirt was backwards too! And on closer inspection, maybe inside out?? Well it makes sense as he was dressing quickly to escape out my backdoor when my husband arrived home unexpectedly....

    I will worship at the altar of Biel also... she is so awesome!

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