Wednesday, April 11, 2012

If I Covet a Sloth am I Sinning Twice?

I have a new obsession. Well, it's not entirely new. I've kind of always had an affection for this thing, but it's recently turned into a full-blown, slightly out of control, obsession. What are we talking about? (This is probably the most frequently asked question on this blog.)

The Sloth

Wrong Sloth. 


 That's the one. Ohmahgawd it's so cute and I just want to hold him and squeeze him and love him and never put him down! He's so adorable he deserves a second look. 


 Adlhdlkjfdklhadjfhkfhksajdlkj!!!


I don't know what it is about them, but I love sloths—particularly baby sloths.  They're just so cute and cuddly. I was seriously trying to retrofit my closet so I could have a pair of them move in and hang from the racks. I'm not even kidding. I need sloths like a fat kid needs the pope to go in the woods. (I might be mixing up phrases there.) Did you know it's illegal to own them as pets? How much bullshit is that?


Gah! Come live next to my shoe rack! 


 You need to sleep in my cocktail dresses.

I thought I was a bit of a freak [No comments!] until I saw the following video with Kristen Bell. She has the same obsession and reacts to meeting a sloth exactly the same way I would. We could totally be twins. You know, if I were a hot blond who was rich and famous.





Why do you have all the cuteness? ALL. THE. CUTENESS.


Then when they reach adulthood they look like they might be the serial killers of the animal kingdom. This one looks like he is thinking about ripping out your spine and using it for a walking stick. In a cute way. Awww!

Look at the baby taking a bath! Squeeeee!

How can you resist that face?


He's got a frog baby. A FROG BABY FOR CHRISSAKE!


Animal Planet had a documentary on the only sloth rescue in the world. I missed it, but I've practically been watching the YouTube videos on a loop. Here are a couple of them.






Now is your chance to mock me in the comments. Be forewarned—I will sick a sloth on you if you do. Odds are you'll die of natural causes before they ever lumber over to you, but it's the thought that counts. Or something.

29 comments:

  1. Wow... Just wow. I agree they are cute as babies & totally creepy as adults. Kinda like people.

    ReplyDelete
  2. LMAO.. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0jAhAHOQRqE cuteness is subjecative

    ReplyDelete
  3. First thought... since when did Kristen Bell join the Twitarded writing staff?

    Not going to make fun of you TK. Sloths are pretty cute, but I'm still in love with cats. There's more amusing videos of cats doing stupid shit on youtube than there are of sloths doing stupid shit.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I wish I had more time to watch all the cat videos in the Internet. They are priceless.

      Delete
  4. We aren't these guys Disney characters yet?!?!?

    ReplyDelete
  5. You are not alone. I love sloths. Even as adults with the lethal claws I still think they're friggin adorable. But the babies...JMFHF they are so fucking cute. Also, am I the only one who thinks skunks are cute?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You're not the only one. When the wee ferretface passed away, I actually did research about getting a skunk for a pet. They're very smart and loyal but holy shit will they FUCK UP your house if you leave them alone too long.

      Delete
    2. I did have a skunk as a pet when I was a kid. Her name was Daisy. She was de-scented and she just hung out and used a litter box. We got rid of her when she developed an appetite for my father's ankles.

      Delete
  6. FANFICZOMBIE

    clearly we did different drugs back in the day....and for that I am grateful .... lmao!

    ReplyDelete
  7. I know who did this to you. Does her name rhyme with blonnersun? I saw some sloths in Costa Rica. They just sat there. ...huh, that name might be appropriate.

    The day you get rid of clothes or shoes to accommodate an animal will be the day I build an Edward snowman... in Hell. While pigs fly overhead.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Buahahahahaha..... Best. Line. Ever!!

      Delete
    2. Who says I was getting rid of anything? Baby sloths don't take up much room. I'm going to have to figure something out for the giraffe though...

      Delete
    3. My After Car - I read your comment while I was in the middle of a meeting today. Needless to say, no one could figure out why I thought financial imaging systems were so damn funny.

      Delete
  8. I have never heard of a sloth. J/S.

    ReplyDelete
  9. Sloth love Chunk. Lol! My brother has a tshirt with Sloths face on it with this line. Classy or what?

    ReplyDelete
  10. I have loveddddd sloths forever :) I found a book for my son called "If animals kissed goodnight" and it has sloths all thru it! My husband thinks I'm a weirdo (I kinda am), but we went to a safari park near our house and the sloths were so close you could almost touch them. I was in heaven. @Banshee I think skunks are cute too! But then again I told my husband I would kiss a Galapagos marine iguana on its face if I ever had the chance.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Totally going to find this book now.

      Delete
    2. I love marine iguanas too! If I still lived near the sea I would totally keep one as a pet. Ok, so that's probably illegal, but still. I want one.

      Delete
  11. Gah! That Animal Planet doc is ADORABLE!! They're so fucking cute. And...AND! They only take a shit once a week. That's it! They make the cutest damn noises when they're little!

    I'm totally going to agree with the serial killer adult look, though. And I'm not sure I want something so lazy that it grows its own moss.

    ReplyDelete
  12. Ok, for some reason I can't reply, but TK, that book is amazeballs :) hope you love it as much as we do. I can recite the whole thing with my eyes closed!

    ReplyDelete
  13. I don't know who Kristen Bell is but that video made me laugh super duper hard.

    And sloths are SOOOOO cute.

    ReplyDelete
  14. Baby sloths are cute. I wanna put one in my pocket!

    ReplyDelete
  15. Oh MY FUCKING GOD. I have never had a phobia, never. But I do now. IT'S SLOTH. I recoil from this post. Physically recoil. Don't you even know, those things are Satan's emissaries in fur! They will bait your children with Junior Mints and hook them on crack! They will make your husband cheat on you with a ten dollar whore! They will raid your porn stash and show it to your mom! DO NOT TRUST THE SLOTHS.

    ReplyDelete
  16. Awkward confession time... My aunt gave me a stuffed sloth when I was 5. I slept with her every night until I got married, and now when he's out of town, I still kinda do...

    ReplyDelete

Comments are our life now. Leave one!