Sunday, April 29, 2012

Summer is Coming.

Summer is coming.

Okay, really it's only spring but whatever. It is finally time to shed our winter coats, hats and gloves here on the East Coast. Or at least the tri-state area, anyway.

 It's the exact opposite of this. Without the sword. Fuck it, this picture has NOTHING to do with this post.

My kneecaps felt a warm breeze for the first time in seven months yesterday (er, not counting the week I spent in Texas last month). I even shaved my legs.

Of course, when the weather gets warmer, people start to pull out their summer clothes. For most women, apparently, this is a kind of metamorphosis, like a cold winter caterpillar emerging from her cocoon as a whore-y looking butterfly in a neon bandeau tube-top and micro-mini skirt.

Seriously. 80% of New York City goes straight-up hooker when the temperature hits the 70's and then I'm forced to stare at someone's ass cheeks leaking out of their daisy dukes when I walk up the subway stairs behind them.


Not cool. Ladies, if your rolls look like they're trying to escape your clothes, you need to get a bigger size. Please.

Anyway.  I can almost handle that better than I can handle something else. It's something that guys wear. And every summer it makes me want to throw-up.

Mother fucking flip-flops. I cannot stand when guys wear flip-flops.

Frankly, I usually don't give a shit what a guy wears, as long as he doesn't look like a total douchebag and his junk isn't hanging out. But there is something about being on a crowded subway and looking down to see some dude's blackened pinky-toe nail that makes me want to barf.

 Jesus Christ, Frodo. Put on some fucking Vans or something...

Am I being sexist? Er, yeah, probably. Feet, in general, freak me out. It's kind of like my violent aversion to oatmeal but in a more ocular sense. But in my defense, women usually have nicer looking feet and most of us will go and get a pedicure before we wiggle our toes into some barely-there footwear.

Dudes, on the other hand, have hairy hobbit feet and those bitches should be contained in socks and shoes. Don't unleash the horror of your crusty, Frito-looking toenails on the rest of us, kind sir!

The only times guys should wear flip-flops are the beach, public showers, and drum circles. NO EXCEPTIONS.

Flip-flops would have been appropriate in this instance. That bathing suit, on the hand, is NEVER appropriate.

I know I shouldn't be this personally offended by another person's appendages but... I just can't help it. I'm not called Jerkface for nothing, ya know?

So, dish! What article/style of clothing makes you have a mental malfunction?

31 comments:

  1. Oh...I have several of these! But I will stick to #'s 1 & 2. !) Panty lines in general, but ESPECIALLY in WHITE pants!! Really!!! Did you look at your ass before you left? Or even think that blue & pink polka dots wouldn't show through white...even if it is a g-string! 2) Too much cleavage in the office. I don't mind a girl showing SOME of her assets, if you have them. But, I don't want to be sitting across from someone at a meeting, just waiting for a nipple to pop out as soon as you move to the left or right. Look away you might say...I can't! And neither can the other 15 people at the meeting! Save that top for your 2nd job...(ouchy)

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  2. We were *trying* to enjoy our meal one evening, when a man walked into the restaurant. He was wearing flip-flops, and his feet were FILTHY! His toe nails also looked liked they hadn't been trimmed in approximately seventeen years. He kept sticking them out from under the table to cross his legs and bounce his flip-flop off his heel. I actually threw up in my mouth and we ended up leaving. DISGUSTING!

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  3. I think I'm most offended by the whale tail. Probably because I just don't get it. The very idea of walking around with a piece of floss between my butt-cheeks makes me squeamish! There must be something good about thong underwear [not thong footwear] because so many chicks wear them. Can somebody please explain it to me?

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    Replies
    1. I had to Google that phrase, but now YES!! What's with that? I always assumed it was on purpose--like they want it to show because then men can tell there's only a thong below.

      But one I did see and actually enjoy was recently, when watching Eclipse for the zillionth time, I noticed that Renee has one when she gets up out of the beach chair (to go get the quilt present) and when she turns around you can see the red of her thong in the back. So now there is a thong in Twilight. Though I am probably the very last to know.....

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    2. The whale tale is baffling. It's not only NOT sexy, it looks really uncomfortable.

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  4. Any kind of cartoon character underthings. Really, you're 50 and I don't need to see Mini Mouse on your ass, and if your hubs digs it he's a pedo.
    Guy turtle feet should be covered.
    Weird hairy biceps, it should stop at the elbow fellas.
    Cutoff denim with all the gross fringe. I once saw a lady that had bedazzled her pockets that were hanging below the hem of her jorts. GAH!
    No socks with tennis shoes freaks me out.

    I have more, but am just getting pissed.

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  5. Socks + sandals: the whole point of wearing sandals is to get your feet out and let them breathe, why socks???
    Wearing any kind of beachwear outside of the beach is wrong on so many levels!
    Bikini tops in frozen food isle. those nipples look like they could cut glass.
    Very teeny tiny shorts + pubic hair= GROSS! at least find the time to trim it....or wear longer shorts
    Skirts that look like belts.
    Men with beer bellies wearing no shirt. If you look like you are about to give birth and you are a guy, cover it up.
    Breagnant ladies not covering it up. I once saw a tiny foot apear on one, then a tiny hand. As wonderful it might be, the belly it self was nothing much to look at, with stretch marks and blue veins. Sorry if I offended someone with the last one.

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    Replies
    1. When I lived in Hawaii for college it was a nightmare. I didn't have a car (which made it worse because I had to endure the footwear of the public on the bus).

      Disgusting feet in flip flops was the norm year round. And socks and flip flops is considered winter footwear.

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    2. I don't know how you did it. I only have to put up with public transportation + flip-flops +gnarly toes for a couple of months out of the year and it makes me BONKERS.

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    3. Um, she lived in Hawaii. I'm pretty sure I could put up with a lot if I lived there!

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  6. Agreed. toes should be painted or hidden. Why do their feet have to be soooo gross. Yellow nails? Yuck. Why?

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    1. It's amazing what painted toenails will do for your narley feet. I just used a pretty pink shade on myself and it made my feet look tanned. Weird, but not complaining.

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    2. I beat the hell out of my feet, I'll admit. Plus, I have fat, chubby little toes. But I would never EVER step foot (ha!) outside in a pair of sandals or flip-flops without taking some care to make my feet look less... frightening.

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  7. Thanks for the feet picture, h00rbag. You know that's a hard limit for me.

    Denim Capri pants. Particularly with an elastic waist. Please stop the insanity.

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    Replies
    1. I have to agree. I had to avoid direct contact. It still creeped me out.

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  8. At this point anything summery On my body will be considered offensive. My body gave up after giving birth to 3 kids. I'd be more comfortable in a neck to floor winter coat.

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  9. Shorts + Tank Top + Wool Scarf + Ugg Boots = If you can't even figure out whether it's freezing or scalding outside in Fort Worth, your parents should not be paying for TCU.

    No this is not necessarily "gross" but it pisses me off.

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    Replies
    1. Ugg boots are universally gross unless you are a skinny bitch or under 6 years old. Everyone else just stop it already.

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    2. UGGs should be banned from human society.

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    3. I have a pair of Target brand Uggs (fake Uggs, or 'fuggs' as a friend called them) that I got maybe 9 years ago to wear on a ski trip. Now I wear them as slippers in the winter. They make great indoor/outdoor slippers! ...but no, I don't wear them in public, and definitely not with a miniskirt. *eyeroll*

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  10. I have to think about this one for a few...but I agree with the feet thing, although I try not to look at anyone's feet because I hate them all. Pretty nail polish or not.

    The Speedo or Short shorts ala Daniel Craig as James Bond. I get that Daniel Craig looks hot, but most don't & I like a little mystery. Don't get me wrong, a little bulge is nice but seeing the whole package...not really.

    The "snot rocket". You want to see my gag reflex in action?

    Breast feeding. I get it. It's natural or whatever. Doesn't mean I have to like it.

    Plumbers butt. I KNOW YOU FEEL THAT BREEZE!!

    Also what I think @RugbyMom was talking about. "Whale Tail". If that's when those girls get the specially decorated thong undies/g-strings so they look PRETTY when it sticks up 6 inches out of their pants. Then we are talking about the same thing.

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  11. Agreed completely. Feet should be covered at. all. times.
    I hate feet. My hubby is required to wear socks at all times. Men that wear mandals are douchebags. If your feet have longer hair than your legs, it's a serious effing problem.
    The only feet that are acceptable to look at or touch are baby feet. Period. I seriously gag when I see feet or when people talk about feet. My friends think I'm a freak. I'm normal. Feet are freaky. Shit's real.

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  12. Once upon a time,I was reading along all nicey nice and fuck me if I didn't go all batshit crazy and run for the closet when I saw those..those....GAH! I can't even speak of those....feet. I jumped straight to the comment section for fear of seeing other hairy *shivers* appendages. Something about flip flops and summer wear..But I cannot bring myself to look at feet.I hate feet. even the word is gross. Anywho carry on, and stop posting scary pictures that are going to give me nightmares.I agree with you. STOP THE NONSENSE! WEAR PROPER CLOTHES .

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  13. I only came to terms with having my own feet exposed in the summer about 10-12 years ago. I had to buy a pair of flip-flops the first time I got a pedicure because I didn't own a pair of open-toed shoes. Now I live in them all summer - go FitFlops!

    Also I made the mistake of reading this while eating and it's all I can do to not barf. If the monster under my bed (or in the closet) has feet, they probably look like that.

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  14. Leggings. They are the most unforgiving clothes ever. They show off every lump, bump, roll and cellulite dimple. So why do women who have some or all of the above insist on wearing the fucking things?! I don't wear them because I know I wouldn't get away with it. Apparently I'm the only one around here...

    And socks and sandals don't look good on ANYONE.

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    Replies
    1. The leggings thing bothers me too. The other day when picking up my son from school I saw another mom (who was not morbidly obese but definitely in the overweight category; to be fair, she usually dresses nicely and is fairly pretty)In a tight brown sweater, brown leggings and tall skinny boots. Disaster, she looked like a poo with a camel toe. Utter disaster

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    2. I don't wear leggings much anymore, but in my mind they're in the same category as hose... meant to be worn under something. They are not pants!

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  15. I think the reason why I like winter is because I prefer winter clothes. Give me jeans, a t-neck sweater and a pair of Danskos and I'm happy as a clam.

    Ever since I stopped tanning, I hate wearing shorts and shit that shows off my glowing white legs. I'm getting over it though. I like white legs way more than skin cancer.

    Boys in flip flops don't bother me. It's boys in tank tops that squick me out.

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  16. I know that I have a lot of strange hang-ups but I feel marginally more normal now that I know a lot of you find feet... disturbing.

    Either that or we're all batshit crazy. One of those.

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  17. Feet don't bother me unless they're poorly cared for... toenail fungus? GAG! Thankfully hubs has nice feet that are not hairy.

    Pretty much every time I go to Walmart (which is rare; I avoid that place at all costs, as I swear I'm going to catch a disease just walking in the door) I have to bite right through my bottom lip to keep from asking people wtf was going through their minds as they got dressed. I'm sure you've all seen People of Walmart. Srsly. I am a Target customer for life.

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  18. Uggs make me gag.

    Popped collars make me stabby. It makes NO ONE look cooler.

    Sunglasses indoors or at night. Corey Hart is the only one allowed to do it.

    Anything with NY Yankee shit on it.

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