Tuesday, June 12, 2012

Snarkier Than You Joins a Gym

I joined a gym a few weeks ago. It's been a long time coming, and while the place is still being built and not open yet, it's going to be awesome, and it's only about a mile my house, which is key. In addition to the usual gym-y stuff, here will be a pool, a sauna, a whirlpool, every class imaginable under the sun (pilates, spinning, yoga, some other things I haven't even heard of since the last time I was a member of a gym, step aerobics was still new). There's also going to be a green grocer and some other assorted healthy-type businesses in the facility. I can't wait! It's not slated to open until November, but I figure another five months probably won't kill me if the last twenty years of chronic inertia haven't done the trick already.

I went into their sales center or welcome plaza or indoctrination chamber or whatever they are calling it ready to sign up. It's located in a space that used to hold a McDonalds - no shit! I didn't need any convincing, but was obligated to sit through an hour-long pitch delivered by some well-meaning dude brimming with faux enthusiasm outlining the pricing structure - 

 It was expensive and confusing and I think I may have bought a bonus llama. 

He spent a lot of time emphasizing how much the fitness center cares about my well-being and overall  wellness - they're not like all the other fitness centers! - blah-blah-blah, and then after forking over the rights to my firstborn and/or soul (I didn't even know you could charge that to your AmEx but apparently you can), I was in! When I went home, I was a little poorer but feeling hopeful - and had a packet of information and welcome b.s. in my little mitts.

The next day, I sat down and flipped through it. Aside from the papers directly related to the gym, there was a bunch of stuff from local businesses. What could be wrong with that?

Nice. I think...

There was a Muscle Maker Grill menu (there will be one of these on-site) -

Yes please!

Aaaaand then thing took a curious turn for the worse -

This is a menu for a place called "4 Musketeers" - oh sure, they have salads, but they also have cheesesteaks, fries, pizza and garlic knots AND they deliver 'til midnight.

aaaaand then things got MUCH worse -

Why do you think I need to join a gym in the first place?!

The next day, I fired off an email to the sales guy -
After looking over the contents of the packet you are handing out to new members, I was really surprised at some of the business included/being promoted. 4 Musketeers? Five Guys??? Granted all things are ok in moderation, but...Five Guys? REALLY?! The only thing on their menu that is not outright bad for you is bottled water. I won't argue that they make delicious burgers & fries, but... This seems like a really odd choice for an organization/business that is dedicated to promoting good health and wellness. 

A couple of days later, I got this somewhat indecipherable response: 

Everyone comes into contact with all different kinds of bad choices everyday. Wellness is definitely a symbol for overall health and fitness, but it definitely is not condoned to avoid it at all costs. A part of wellness is 100% the healthy decisions made everyday.  

WTF does that even mean??? It's like Yoda-speak or something - "Wellness is symbol but not condone at all costs it is." I am still baffled. I resisted the urge to send an email back and inform him that I understand about making healthy choices, but handing out a Five Guys menu to people joining a gym (which is affiliated with a hospital, btw) is like handing out a flyer for a liquor store at an AA meeting.

Regardless, all I can say is that November can't come soon enough,  because the yoga pants that I don't do yoga in but am wearing at the moment anyway because they're stretchy and black are feeling a little snug-ish. It's possible I should get off my ass before November. Dammit! Time to dust off my free weights and sneakers! And possibly put some duct tape over my pie-hole so I'll stop putting Five Guys in it. Er, maybe I should rephrase that...


  1. Just like my tweet said, "I joined a gym...but it's not open yet." Well played! At least they know if they hand out menus and have unhealthy food nearby that they will get a lot of business. :)

  2. That packet was designed to fatten us like a pate goose!

  3. The last time I joined a gym I wound up pulling something in my shoulder and my back. I'm not over it yet! Actually I'm waiting for an appointment with a neuro-surgeon now.

    But whether or not I have surgery, I figured I better do something. So, I started juicing. Raw fruits & vegetables are supposed to detox my body and help me shed unwanted pounds. Potatoes were all the vegetable friends I ever needed before this, so I am unfamiliar with these strange colorful plants I'm shoving into my juicer. It really is disgusting cleaning out the juicer. The crap (pits, skin, fiber) that comes out the other side of the juicer must be taken outside to the garbage can immediately!

    I've had no solid food for ten days & I'm not hungry at all. (OK. I did have some popcorn when I went to Philly to see Bel Ami at the gay art theater.)

    1. Keep us posted! That sounds like a lotta juicing - 10 days with no other foods??? wow!

    2. No solid food for ten days!?! Let us know if the sacrifice is worth it. I would have gone crazy by day five.

    3. I'm intrigued, Rugbymom. How's that going for you? ML and I got a juicer and we didn't read the huge warning about NOT making juices out of spinach and dark greens right away and... yeah, it wasn't pretty.

      Do you have any good juice recipes you could offer?

    4. I do not have any good juice recipes to share! I have four books of recipes, but I can't be bothered to look at them. [I did look at them before I started, but they always contain one vegetable I don't have - or don't even know.] I'm putting in too much fruit probably, but I need that to kill the taste of the other stuff! I write down what I juice every day, so if/when I come up with a tasty recipe, I will share.

      The first three days are rough. If you want to do this, you should pick a long weekend and just try to sleep your way through it. After that, it's a breeze. I am not EVER hungry! Down 14 pounds in 10 days! I think I can stick it out a little longer for results like this.

      My daughter says I'm doing it wrong because I haven't shit in 10 days either! Honestly, that really isn't unusual for me. But I'm waiting for a big one to hit - I bet I can lose 5 pounds that day!

      If anyone is really interested, you should watch the DVD "Fat, Sick, and Nearly Dead". You can watch streaming for free at Amazon if you have Amazon Prime membership. Or rent it from Amazon or Netflix. The associated web site is Reboot Your Life. Sorry, I don't mean to advertise for them, but I just want you to get the straight scoop from some one more reliable than me.

  4. LMAO "And possibly put some duct tape over my pie hole so I'll stop putting 5 Guys in it"
    I have tried to post here many times but my comments always dissapear. Attempt #5674: and...go!

  5. My answer to that email:

    Thank you for that grammatically incoherent response. Proper use of language is definitely a tool for overall sense and reason, but I see you avoided it all costs. My gratitude to you for solidifying my theory that only insanity ensues when you put five guys in a gym, or anywhere for that matter where women are expected to bend over.

    1. It took a LOT of willpower not to reply to that email.

    2. LMAO!! As usual, Mrs. P, you crack me the fuck up.

  6. REPLY TO TAT EMAIL ANYWAYS!! That wasn't even a real response. Most of the time in those packets you'll get flyers for like...Emerald City Smoothies & crap like that. I can't believe they put fast food in there. I'm sure they got $$$ for doing that though.

  7. Soon we will have a new language with the dumbing down of Americans. I think they should name the gym Burgers and Barbells or Fries and Freeweights. I need a new job, maybe they will hire me to do PR. I can write good.

  8. Two things, one, congrats and good luck with your gym experience.

    Two, I have a tab open in my browser with a "family photo" promo for BDII. I can't look at it yet without coming here for moral support. I can't wait to find out what JJ has to say about it, I wish I had the patience to find out before I look at it.

    Well, here I go....

    Not hideous... but now I really can't wait for your opinions. Please post soon!!

  9. If you were the queen, you could hire someone to work out FOR you! That works, right?

  10. I can relate to all of this but had to comment about the duct tape. On Mother's Day my tween was hunting for duct tape because "Silence is golden, duct tape is silver". What a thoughtful gift idea.

  11. That is the most back asswards thing I have ever heard of! It's a sneaky way to get people in for life, that's for sure. Bentist and I are joining a cross fit when we get back from our honeymoon (LEAVING TONIGHT!!! WAHHOOO!!!!). God knows we'll put on some more pounds on the cruise ship. Dessert 24/7? Beer whenever we want? FREE ROOMSERVICE!? We'll be lucky if we have clothes that fit for the flight home!

  12. I agree that the reply email was ridiculous, but since you haven't been a gym member since before Bella Swan was born, you are perhaps oblivious to what I call the "fast food next door effect." Many women, in particular, choose their gym based on proximity to fast and greasy food. It's a symbiotic relationship: the greasy spoon gets a bunch of hungry and less inhibited customers who feel self-righteous after a good workout and "deserve" that burger. The gym gets customers who keep coming back for years, both for the enjoyment of their post-workout meals and to chase the weight loss that will obviously elude them for simple calorie-mathematics reasons. As for the hardcore gym rats who don't indulge in such things, they often have slobby SOs or children at home who want a quick meal and the gym rat doesn't have the time to prepare a meal because they were at the gym for hours--and their slobby SO isn't going to eat the rabbit food that the gym rat likes. Again, a trip to the nearby greasy spoon offers an elegant solution.

    Obviously the gym isn't going to tell you any of this. They're going to spout off some BS about how wellness involves choices and not depriving yourself and blah blah blah (and apparently do it in Yoda-speak). But the point is that they probably know exactly what they're doing by slipping those flyers into the welcome packet.

  13. "And possibly put some duct tape over my pie-hole so I'll stop putting Five Guys in it. Er, maybe I should rephrase that..." Still laughing!!

    I am proud of you for taking the first step (literally apparently).


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