It's Time for a Career Change

I have a confession to make.

Before my addiction to Twilight, I never gave a flying fart about movie stars, or even movies. I mean, sure, I LOVE movies and I have my favorites but I didn't care who was in the movie or who directed it as long as it was good.

That has all changed. Twilight has made me a different person. Now I drool over pictures of RPatz and spend most of my free time catching up on all the Twilight gossip. Frankly, it's kind of hard to keep up.

That's why I've decided I need a career change. Rather than juggle my new obsession AND my soul sucking career choice, I've decided that I'm getting into acting. More specifically, acting in two of the four Twilight movies (unless I can somehow also get a role in New Moon, that is).

I could be sitting on that couch.

You see, if I'm already on the set than I don't have to furtively sneak around the Internet all day for Twilight information - it'll be all at my fingertips. I can drool ON RPatz if I want, for crying out loud.

Plus, let's face it - acting looks fucking fun. They hang around sets all day, people dress them and do their makeup, and then they go out and party at night (well, not unless you're Taylor - his ass has to be up early to work out or sumpthin'). I don't know about you, but that's sounds a whole lot better than, say, staring at mind-numbing spreadsheets and calculator tape all day, ya know?

Anyway, it was really 86 Rabbit who gave me the idea. She posted a link about Eclipse auditions. I already have a headshot (thanks Myspace!) and I try to keep my resume current, though, frankly, I think my glaring lack of acting skills might be a hurtle I'll have to overcome. I waited tables for years - that's sort of like acting, isn't it? I'm really good at faking sick, too.

Now, I know I'm just a tad older than most of the cast of Twilight but they can use makeup for that sort thing, can't they? You know, maybe do a little CGI on my face and take a couple (fine, fine, at least 10) years off my face?

Oh, and one more thing: I guess this means I'm going to have to start smoking again, since that appears to be mandatory on the set. That's cool, I'm a team player...

Really Great New Moon Posters & Wall...Stuff

We (well, STY did but she was too busy reading MY New Moon to post this so she asked me to do it) recently found some really cool fan-made New Moon posters over at Ballerinapattz on LiveJournal. As good as any we've seen! Once you're done looking over these, check out her friends - it looks like they have a lot of interesting pictures, fan art, etc. on the site as well.

To whet your appetite:




Honestly, I have absolutely no idea how to decipher anything on LiveJournal. It's a complete mystery to me. I can't tell if these are done by the owner of the journal or a friend, or someone else entirely. That being said, if we're stepping on any toes with this one, please let us know right away - we like to give credit where credit is due.

P.S. The "real" New Moon posters - when the come out - had better totally ROCK! The bar is set high here - don't disappoint! If they were really really smart, they would have some sort of a contest and use some of the fantastic fan-made work that is currently out there. Summit Entertainment, we're waiting...

Snarkier Than You is Holding My Books Hostage

{This is what happens when you start a post about the other author on your blog... and she has access to edit your shit. }

To my dearest STY, my lovable BFF Jerkface.

Give me my fecking New Moon book back. I am going through New Moon withdrawal and it's been, I believe, at least one month since I've last read it. Yeah, yeah, I know I've read it a gazillion trillion times but. I. Want. It. Back. Now. [ed. note from STY - You know where I live - walk over there and get it, you lazy be-yatch.]

If necessary I will bring in DH and ML for hostage mediation. It won't be pretty for both of us, you know. And if they toss us in the loony bin together and I still haven't read New Moon again - just remember, I don't sleep. You do.

It's feels like eons since I flipped through those lonely heartbreaking chapters... dammit!
Was it November, December, January? Look what you've done to me, STY. LOOK AT ME!!! I need to read Bella's heartbreak and get all emo about it. Never mind the fact that if she were a real living person I'd probably tell her to buck it up and have a one night stand (but I guess that doesn't fit into the whole abstinence shtick, does it?). But she's fictional, and sweet [unlike you, on both counts...], and I want to read about how she cracks her skull open on the motor bike. Over and over again.

I really don't want to take drastic measures, what with you being my bff and all. But if I don't get New Moon back soon, I might have to take some collateral... like Quato. Don't think I won't do it!! I meet need a pair (or four) of falconer gloves and a suit of armor, but I'll get that damn cat! [Now I know for certain that your threats are idle. She scares the bejesus out of you. All she has to do is look at you like this and you practically pee yourself. BOO!! See? You jumped - admit it!]

So, please, bff Jerkface. Give me my fucking book back.

P.S. - Can I have Eclipse and Breaking Dawn too? [No.]

Another edit from JJ - {Clasps hands together like evil tyrant about to take over the world} We shall see, STY... we shall see... MUHWAWAWA!!!

UPDATE - It seems that BFF (such a freaking)Jerkface thinks she's soooooooo funny. Because I got a text this morning that went something like this:

OME say Nyah, nyah, nyah

Update from STY: It's occurred to me that I've been slightly-less-than-gracious in the way I've been handling this whole thing. Since technically half of the books in question actually do belong to JJ, and she was kind enough to loan them to me, I should stop being such a bad borrower{{{sniffle - sorry JJ!}}}. After all, I am eternally indebted to her, as this whole Twilight thing was her fault idea and if it wasn't for my obsession with Twilight I'd probably have enough spare time to do other things like maybe find the cure for cancer or establish world peace be lost.

So thanks to Twicrack doing her usual job of spreading the Twi-love [with the glaring exception of her April Fool's prank - we still haven't gotten over that here at Twitarded...] and posting this coupon for Twilight merchandise, I'll be heading over to Borders to round out my own person collection of the Twilight Sage and will return JJs book to their rightful home. On second thought, JJ, you still have to walk your butt to my place to get them. You threatened to torch my car and I'm not driving anywhere near your place, you little pyro freak (love you! mwah!).

[Edward Doesn't Go] To Forks!

As much fun as JJ and I have been having with mini-Edward, sometimes he needs a break from the limelight...

As I troll the web feeding my insatiable hunger for all things Twilight, I occasionally happen upon something that seems worth sharing... It's likely that not everyone is as obsessed as I am, and even if you are, let's face it: there's a whoooole lotta Twi-stuff out there and it's inevitable that some good things might not make it onto everyone's collective radar.

Case in point: recently I've been contemplating the merits of getting a "Forks High" t-shirt. Mostly because it would be a sneaky way to profess my love of Twilight to those in the know without simultaneously exposing myself to the non-Twi-friendly masses. The tee they sell at Hot Topic is mighty cute and I was tempted, but then I discovered it is emblazoned with the Twilight logo across the back (they also run really small...and fitted white tees are NOT pooch-friendly...it is possible that I tried one on when I went to pick up my DVD...). Cute as it is, it would make it difficult to go semi-incognito. So I expanded my search to see what other Forks merch is out there, and came across a MASSIVE amount of Forks-related items. Most notably, imho, the swell (and apparently very gracious) town of Forks has transformed itself into a veritable mecca of Twilight-themed e-v-e-r-y-t-h-i-n-g!

[Soon to be more ubiquitous than the "Welcome to Fabulous Las Vegas" sign?]

I will likely never visit Forks. Don't get me wrong; if I had unlimited time, more disposable income, and no DH, JJ and I would likely be on the next plane to Sea-Tac, mini-Edward it tow (this despite being fully aware that none of the movie was filmed there and you're pretty much guaranteed to have bad hair days given that it is the rainiest place in the continental United States). And because the town has chosen to embrace its fame-by-association, it seems like it would actually be a fun place to visit (albeit briefly). Fine, you're probably not going to bump into the Cullens and I am sure that there must be at least a few hold-outs who are not so thrilled with the town's transformation into a vamp-friendly tourist trap attraction, but it's a destination that's likely to appeal to any Twitard out there.

Anyway, for those of you who might consider a visit, why not go all-out and stay in one of the Twilight-themed rooms at a local motel??? DH would definitely have me taken away by nice folks in white jackets were he to discover I'd booked accommodations guaranteed to make any Twifan go "SQUEEEEEEEE!!!" - this is probably more of a girls-only road trip! Seriously, what dude would willingly sleep with his S/O under a giant and somewhat creepy Edward poster?! Relationships are all about compromise, but this may be too much to ask...

Twilight Room @ The Pacific Inn - Sleep under the watchful eyes of the Cullens!

Bella Suite @ The Dew Drop Inn - Where's Edward???

I also came across a couple of interesting things as I read about everything they had done in Forks to make it more Twitourist-friendly...

Carlisle has a reserved space at the hospital (I'm not making this up! They probably only had to sacrifice an ambulance or handicapped parking spot to make way for this...) -
And at the Visitor's Center, you can take a pic next to a replica of Bella's truck (just be careful - Edward won't save you if an out-of-control car suddenly careens your way!) -

Because some entrepreneurial antique dealer has too much time on his hands, you can even find faux-vintage [fintage??] images of the Cullen Clan for sale here! For the low, low price of only four bucks a pop, you too can add a cheesy, tasteless, photoshopped image of Edward, Carlisle, Jasper, or Rosalie to your Twilight collection!

Edward's first wheels! Not a shiny silver Volvo, but better than a horse and buggy...

And Carlisle, back in the day. "The day" being the seventeenth century in this case...

Carlisle circa 1670 (I don't know why, but somehow this image just works...)

Jasper, pre-Alice, earning his stripes (literally) during the Civil War [this guy should have made a mock pic from the Vampire Wars era - now THAT I would have paid for!] -
And while I was initially impressed with the possibility that maybe this guy had done his Twilight homework prior to creating these pics and attempting to make a profit from it, his "photos" of Rosalie in her wedding dress (faux-doctored to show how she had later removed the groom) suggest that he still has a thing or two to learn [note to the person selling these photos: Snarkier Than You and Jenny Jerkface's collective Twilight expertise is available for a reasonable consulting fee...] -
During your visit, stop in to any of the numerous restaurants in Forks offering Twi-friendly meals - Bella Burger, anyone? Or if you are feeling flush, perhaps some mushroom ravioli at the somewhat swanky Bella Italia???

[note the amazing resemblance to Bella... But for under three buck, who's complaining?!]

Seriously, you can't throw a rock in this town without hitting something Twilight-related...

No tour of Forks would be complete without a stop at the local high school - but please keep in mind that Bella and Edward have moved on, and it is technically illegal to try to sit in on biology class...

Which brings me back to my original point - the search for the perfect Forks Tee - I'm thinking a little something like this - and since it's kind of a social experiment of sorts, I think I will be documenting it's inaugural wearing when the time comes... Stay tuned!

Yay! I'm the Crazy Lady on the Train!!

Yesterday afternoon I managed to finally pummel my way through the crowds and find a seat on the train. I was all excited because I got MY seat on the train. MY seat is usually the third from last three seater in any given car (preferably the fifth one from the back) and I get all excited every time I get it. And yes, I'm just a tad OCD (in both ways, natch).

Anyhoo, this nice looking fortyish woman sits next to me and I notice she has Eclipse. I lean over to her and whisper, very conspiratorially, "I think New Moon was my favorite but that one is a close second.'

Naturally, she looks a bit startled that I'm talking to her but gives me a little smile and asks 'Are you Team Edward or Team Jacob?' **

I give a grin that probably, in retrospect, was totally lewd and said 'Oh, I'm DEFINITELY Team Edward.'

She gives a nervous laugh and then pulls out her cell phone, presumably so I will stop talking to her. I immediately text message STY and tell her that the chick sitting next to me on the train had Eclipse. Then I started digging around my bag looking for Edward. This turned into a five minute rummage fest (my bag is HUGE) and the lady was starting to look a little nervous and gave me a squirrely look every now and then. Maybe she thought I was going to pull out my own copy of Eclipse and have an in depth discussion with her (Oh! The humanity!). Or maybe she thought I was looking for a bowie knife and was preparing to fillet her because, just as I wrapped my fingers around Edward's head, she suddenly bolted from the seat and disappeared into the next car. {{Sigh}}. I only wanted to take a picture of Edward and her book!

This incident made me realize something, however. There is a big difference between a Twilight fan and Twitarded fan. As if it wasn't already glaringly obvious which category I landed in, it is now.

**Side note - Talking to a random stranger on the train is a behavior that is actually weirder than running around snapping pictures of an action figure. Seriously. For all of those who aren't in the NY-NJ area - we don't talk to each other. In fact, we actively pretend that the four million other people crammed into a small moving box don't really exist.

Another side note - I had a bitch of a time trying to get pictures of the inside of a train online. And then I came across this picture and realized why - (look at the woman at the bottom of the picture. Dude, she is PISSED that someone snapped a picture.

The photographer of this picture is probably lying with Jimmy Hoffa somewhere.

The Big Brother Reads Twilight!!

Me and my wonderful older brother, we'll call him Brother Jerkface, don't always see eye to eye when it comes to life in general. He's a tad more serious than I am. I'm not sure if that's because he's the eldest or if I'm some kind of genetic oddity (or he is) but he tends to frown a lot, a little a lot on some of my hobbies and pastimes. (We WILL refer back to this post in the future, I promise. Like, when Edward decides to get a tattoo or something.)

Anyway, Mommy (not a)Jerkface mentioned the other day that Brother Jerkface and his wife SIL (not a)Jerkface were reading Twilight. I would have fallen out of my chair but I was laughing too hard. I simply could not imagine my bro reading Twilight. Mommy (not a)Jerkface admitted that he said he 'didn't get it'.

Well, a few days after this conversation, Brother Jerkface calls. The conversation goes something like this:

BJ - So, we rented that movie you recommended last night.
JJ - Movie? What movie?
BJ - The one about the teenage models, er, vampires. Whatever... Twilight?
JJ - I told you to watch that?! When?! You'll hate that movie!! Was I drunk the last time I tawked to you?

BJ - The main vampire guy is weird looking.
JJ - {{{GASP!!}}} Blashpemy, brother! Blasphemy.
BJ - He has an awfully big forehead. He's too chiseled.
JJ - Am I really having a conversation about RPatz's forehead with my big brother?
BJ - Who?
JJ - Er, nevermind. Forget it.

Well, you get the idea: Brother Jerkface thought the movie...wasn't that bad. Again, I would have fallen off my chair... it's just that I was expecting a Jerkface-family-worthy Rage of Epic Proportions from my brother (it runs in the family, you see, but I'm much better at it). I mean, I got a twenty minute rant about how bad Watchmen was. I've seen the veins on his neck strain when he talks about movies or books he dislikes. We take that stuff kinda personally, ya know?

I figured the movie conversation was going to be the end of the Twilight saga between myself and Brother Jerkface. However, he calls me last night to chat rant and Twilight came up again in conversation...

BJ - I finished reading that vampire book last night.

JJ - Oh yeah? What did you think?
BJ - It was like Nancy Drew meets Interview with a Vampire
JJ - I guess...
BJ - I told my wife I needed a training bra when I was done reading it.
JJ - Ha! Ha! You're such a turd
BJ - I didn't understand why Bella wets her pants every time she accidentally touches the vampire
JJ - He's cold to touch. Ice cold.
BJ - So she pees herself?
JJ - {{{Sigh}}} You just don't get it.
BJ - You know what I didn't like about the book?
JJ - Everything?
BJ - The fact that the vampires don't kill anyone.
JJ - They're vegetarians.
BJ - That's stupid. Even the bad vampires aren't scary. Getting chased by James is like getting chased by the lead singer of Warrant. Or Milli Vanilli.
JJ - [Hangs up phone because she's laughing too hard to respond]

Mini Edward's a Stand-Up Kinda Vamp!

The other day I made an obligatory trip to the doctor's office [they lack confidence in my self-diagnosing know-how! the nerve!] and as usual, Edward didn't mind coming along to keep me company (I promised him there would be no blood involved).

Seeing as how it's been quite a few years since he's had the need for medical attention himself, he spent most of his time checking out the assorted medical devices and equipment in the exam room. This little grouping of tools caught his attention*: of course he had no issues whatsoever with the tuning fork; he has excellent hearing (we all know vampires hear everything--like it or not)! However, the reflex hammers really threw him for a loop... Apparently Edward hadn't been all that aware of his, er... "flexibility issues:" mini-Edward's knees just don't bend. [And seriously: for twenty bucks they couldn't have given him a few more movable joints?! WTF?? Those folks at Necca are cheap bastards...]

Exhibit A: Bendy Knees

Exhibit B: Not-So-Bendy Knees

With the harsh reality of his single imperfection upon him, Edward got pretty bummed... Sure, he accompanied me to the pharmacy to pick up my prescription after we left the doctor's office and tried to act like everything was okay, but he just wasn't quite himself... Sulking, a tad pouty, wouldn't make eye contact...

Next time I think I'll just make an appointment with Carlisle... That would likely have made things easier for everyone, to say nothing of the potential financial savings (don't even get me started on my crappy medical insurance! JJ has discussed how Edward feels about our collective potty-mouths and this subject gets me so hopped up!) Besides, Carlisle has a super-vamp-alicious bedside manner, and who could resist getting in on a little bit of that action???

The Doctor is definitely "in".

*Taking this picture of mini-Edward in the exam room was a close call! It was as nerve-racking as that time when JJ snapped a shot of Edward in the break room at her office... I managed to capture the moment not a second too soon! The end of my office visit was thisclose to ending as follows:

Dr: Well then, Ms. Snarkier Than You, we'll see you next... Wait--what in the world ARE you doing??? What IS that?
STY: Um, this is Edward... He's -
Dr.: I Seeeeeee... [frowns, glances at clipboard, starts scribbling]
STY: [feebly attempts to explan] Well, uh, you see, it's a joke, really. Um, my friend and I--
Dr.: I see your insurance is through Debtna...
STY: Er, yeah - you want me to leave now, right?
Dr.: Actually, Ms. STY, that insurance allows 12 outpatient psychiatric visits annually. [speaking softly so as not to scare the crazy lady] I can recommend a wonderful therapist... No? Perhaps you and your little friend would like to step back into my office to discuss this further??? [motions for people to bring on the straitjacket]