All Right You Twilight Hussies - It's Twi-Smut Day!!

Get that change of panties ready, my friends, and lock your kids in the basement. It's that time again.

I honestly had NO IDEA how much Twilight related sluttiness could be found on the internet when we first threw out the idea of Twi smut day. Seriously. I mean, I know that sex is the number one thing searched online but... holy dildos, Batman. That's a whole lot of Twiporn.

Let's just get the familiarities out of the way so we can all delve into the world of slutty Bella, Dominant Edward, Angsty Alice, and poor Mike Newton who is never anything more than an annoying puppy dog. Man did that character get the shaft (well, not literally. Or maybe? If so, I haven't gotten to that one yet...).

For those of you who didn't know, most of these devious little ditties can be found on either fanfiction.net or Twilighted.

If you haven't already, check out Random Acts of Rob Twiporn collection. It puts everyone to shame and will probably ruin me for the next few weeks or so. I might have to buy stock in C batteries soon...

And thanks to EVERYONE who has directed our attention to their favorite Twilight stories!! You ladies have been... well, fucking busy! STY is starting to suspect that your children are getting shots of NyQuil with their lunchables and I'm beginning to wonder if doctors aren't going to start noticing a epidemic of men coming in complaining of severe penis over-exertion.

This isn't perhaps what we had in mind for Twi-smut day, mainly because we can barely think about it between all the sucking and fucking we've been reading, but we still intend to provide you all with links to Twilight fan fiction as well as some that aren't Twilight related but still read-worthy, nonetheless.


Cocktails & Dreams

The Submissive

The Dominant

The Red Line

Midnight Desire

A Lesson in Release

Seducing Ms. Swan

The Office

We've gotten so many suggestions that it's just insane. So we figure we'll keep posting links every now and again - you know, give you all enough so you can have your fill without inundating you.

We've also decided to try our own hand at writing fan fiction. The first installment should hopefully be posted at some point tomorrow.

Please, please keep them coming, ladies! We love all your suggestions. And so do DH and ML!! They might not know it, but oh they do love it...

How to Be - A Movie Review (The Twitarded Way)

Er, may possibly contain spoilers? Most likely not, though.

Last night STY came up with the fantabulous idea of forking over seven bucks to get How To Be** on On Demand Cable. Naturally, I agreed (because ML pays the cable bill) so I popped the cork off a bottle of vino and set up the TV.

How to Be was about 88 minutes long but, as a general rule, when STY and I watch movies we usually need to block off three or four hours. This is not my fault. Just sayin'...

Unexpectedly, STY brought some friends with her to watch the movie and chaos ensued, ending only when I was on the ground attempting to take pictures and ML flung his hands up in defeat and retreated to the kitchen, where he was ostensibly watering down the alcohol supply and putting slow-acting poison in my yogurt.

You're not seeing double there - that's Edward, Sunglasses Edward and Bella!! Talk about a menage a trois! Two Edwards at once? Bella's such a slut...and yes I am totally jealous. I think that maybe "original mini-E" was feeling a tad jealous here, too. Shades-E is way cool - like most incredibly handsome action figures, the addition of the Ray-Bans just gives him that certain je ne sais quoi (yes - that's right! - this is the special francophile Twitarded post; consider it an homage to The Pattzsters triumphant deput at Cannes - now I want to hear you roll those "R"s when you say "Robert" ok? Oh and the "t" is silent...).

Wah. Regular OME is so sad that Bella's got eyes for his cool alter ego.

Anyhoo, now we had the right crowd, a glass of wine and were ready to tuck [ha! that's another film entirely...] into the movie. Then STY plops her laptop in my lap.

"Start typing notes," she demands. "You're better at typing in the dark." [note from STY: I can practically hear my high-school typing instructor laughing at me as my inability to type without looking at my hands finally comes back to haunt me... Congratulations, Mrs. Nowicki, you were right.]

So I did. Two whole pages of notes on How To Be.

Except they weren't.

I get an email from STY this morning, with the notes attached:

i had to stop reading after "i dropped chips into my bra" because i was horking tea out my nose. and it's too early for that.

Huh. I don't recall that happening in the movie. In real life, however... yeah, it did. Upon opening the document, it became blatantly apparent that STY and I will never, ever, ever become movie critics. Ever. For example, here are some of the notes:

First of all – I can barely understand the British accent. I swear I’m retarded when it comes to accents.

Rpattz totally pulls a Kstew in the beginning of the movie when he is talking to his roommate about the band?

(oops, just dropped chips down my bra)

can’t help but think ‘twat’ when I’m watching this.

Rpattz really is so dorkily adorable. It just kills me. He looks all special but in a cute, I-wanna-make-out-with-you way.

I’m officially happy my family is ape shit fucktarded. Because Rpattz’s family in this movie is butt ass boring.

I hate to say it but I really see ‘brooklyn hipster’ in the Arthur’s little friends. Actually, apparently Brit hipsters and NY hipsters are pretty much the sane. Except the British ones sound a lot more intelligent. There is something about the NY accent that just totally fucks your IQ level.

Off note – I swear to mother fucking god if I don’tget whatever the fuck is jammed between my teeth out I’m going to go on a murderous rampage and shit in every one’s cereal bowl. And maybe throw some tampons at strangers.

[I feel I have to explain this one - I just got a partial root canal yesterday and it was pissing me off.]

The couch scene – I’m having flashbacks of being the awkward girl sitting on the couch all by herself. But I didn’t have an erection.

Eames chair!!! Eames fucking chair!! Dammit

His girlfriend has no tits. And sty is totally regretting letting me be in control of her laptop…

It goes on and on, trust me. With the exception of the British vs. Brooklyn hipsters, I'm questioning whether or not we even saw the movie. Maybe we were sucked into some sort of Twilight vortex?

** Did you know when you Google Image 'how to be' there is a 'How to be a Perv' image? Do people really need lessons in that? Huh, I had no idea I was a natural.

Even Non-Twitards Like Edward Cullen!

My Aunt A got married this past Saturday. As always, ML and I ended up racing around and making sure we didn't forget anything - like the wedding card that contained the money. Oh, and naturally, I couldn't forget this...


We're not even out of town before I'm texting this picture to STY.

Me - On a scale of 1 to 10 how crazy am I to take this shit with me everywhere I go?
STY - I'd say about a two but then again think about who you're asking.

ML just kind of shakes his head at me and quietly requests that I take his mortification off the dashboard of his car before someone we know walks by. Reluctantly, I comply. Briefly, that is.

My number one favorite pastime is Twilight. My number two favorite pastime is embarrassing the holy crap out of ML. Thankfully, I can easily combine the two... WHEEEEE!!!

The ceremony was... interesting. I need to preface this by saying that there appears to be an inability among members of my family to behave appropriately or within the confines of social expectation. It's kind of funny until they offer you up to the cute waiter at a fancy restaurant or something (true story, I swear it).

This is Daddy (not a)Jerkface's family. Mommy (not a)Jerkface says my Aunts are crazy but let's face it, if I got crazy from Daddy's side of the family then I most definitely inherited 'Bat-Shit' from my Mom.

Which is why I wasn't terribly surprised when she gave me a mischievous look at the reception.

"Did you bring Edward?" Mommy (not a)Jerkface asks sweetly. Daddy and Brother Jerkface both roll their eyes and ML used that moment to flee excuse himself before I get the chance to make him cringe.
"Of course," I chirp back, reaching under my seat and yanking Edward from my bag. "Edward loves weddings!"

My father just stares at me, perhaps wondering what he did wrong to make me end up this way. Then he looks over at Aunt B, his younger sister, who is apparently demonstrating yoga stretches on the dance floor in her Bridesmaid dress and realizes I never had a fighting chance at Normal. Then he looks at his wife, who is supposed to be the 'normal' one and sighs. I don't think he can decide if she's ruined me or I've ruined her. Poor guy.

"I think Edward would like a picture of the cake," Mommy (not a)Jerkface tells me. And so it begins...

Let them eat cake, bitches!!

Edward feels sad because my cocktail is almost the same size as him...

Mommy (not a)Jerkface and I played around with Edward while my father and ML shook their heads. I'm pretty sure I heard Brother Jerkface mutter to his sweet wife 'time for the fucking nuthouse for both of them', while gesturing sourly at me and my Mom.

Take that Brother Jerkface! I will slice thee from nuts to navel with my cocktail sword!


Our family is different from others of our kind, Bella...

Eventually, Aunt B wandered over and wanted to know what we were up to. I immediately had to hide Edward because Aunt B is aware of the fact that I have a blog but I refuse to tell her what it's about. Which makes her crazy. Which of course makes me laugh. She always says I'm a bad niece, anyway. I was a few drinks in by this point but I think I told her he was a Johnny Depp doll... In hindsight, I probably should have thought that "throw her off my trail" strategy through, since there's probably some total nutball out there who DOES have a blog devoted to her Johnny Depp doll. Not someone totally sane like me with Twitarded and mini-Edward...

My mini-E is saner than your little knitted Johnny...

The Twilight Saga Is Done... So Now What???

I know you. You've read the entire Twilight Saga. Including Midnight Sun (natch). Perhaps you've even read the books several times. Oh who am I kidding?! I said I know you: of course you've read them over and over and over again. Or at least more times than you might be willing to admit outside of the comfy, Twi-enabling safety-zone that is Twitarded. Then maybe you went back and read Midnight Sun side-by-side with Twilight for as long as possible, and cursed the unnamed person who ruined it all for the rest of us by leaking it and causing Stephenie Meyer to shelve the entire project (admit it: you did the side-by-side read. or you thought about it. and if you've never considered it until this very moment, now you're going to go do it right after you finish this post).

Mini-E and I say: This is YOU in about five minutes...

But like me, even after all that, you've probably been left hungering (dare I say "thirsting...") for more. I've seen the forum threads all over the place asking--nay, begging for something comparable to read. I'm right there with you: I read and reread and reread and I was still left wanting more more MORE. And while nobody can be sure what the future holds (not even Alice knows for certain!), Stephenie Meyer has said that she feels Twilight is complete. She could rewrite the entire thing from Edward's perspective, and after that write several more books that delve into the stories of the other Cullens (and Hales...), and we would devour it like the rabid fans that we are...but sadly it doesn't look like any of that in the cards.

So a while back, before I really even had a clue that fanfic existed, I said to myself "Self, I can't possibly be the only one who is dying for 'Book Five'!" so I started doing random searches for more material in the hopes that maybe some aspiring, talented and obsessed-with-Twilight writer had taken it upon themselves to keep things going. I waded through a lot of crappy stories (let's just say that 99.9% of the people who really want to write something like this are not capable of pulling it off) - as well as some hotly debated writing by people intent on publishing and profiting from their fanfic - before I found something that sorta fit what I was after...

For the sake of full disclosure, I haven't read all of this material, but what I have read hits the right chord imho, so it might do the same for you. It's not M-rated, it's a work in progress, and it's not perfect (by the author's own admission it's rough in spots and not grammatically correct in others), but I like it so far and that's good enough for now.

It's called "edge of night" ["twilight continues..."] and picks up roughly where Breaking Dawn ends. I don't know anything about the author other than the fact that she is open to suggestions/feedback but asks that anyone commenting play nice. So without further adieu:

If clicking on the pic fails, here is the addy: http://twilightcontinues.blogspot.com/

Let us know what you think! Or if you have found something that is filling your need for more Twilight, share with us! We've probably all checked out the usual suspects by now, but I'm willing to bet that there are more people out there waiting to be discovered... Either that or I am going to have to lock JJ in my basement and force her to churn out subsequent chapters of Twilight fanfic, and nobody wants me to have to go there (but I will if I have to, so...). Save JJ!

I Wanna See the New Moon Movie! But Not Like This...

Let me get right to it: I hate spoilers of any kind. I don't flip ahead in books I'm reading--ever--and I don't watch commercials or trailers for movies that I intend to see [MASSIVE exception made for the Twilight trailer, which sustained me and JJ in those bleak months in between when we discovered Twilight and when the movie was released]. Hell, I don't even watch upcoming scenes/teasers for television shows I follow. "Lost" is over for me when the "Bad Robot" scurries across the screen - I'm scrambling for the Tivo remote before I find out too much about next week's episode; ditto for "Heroes" (ftr I still watch both of these shows even though lately they baffle more often than not and I have no idea what's going on more frequently than I care to admit).

Thankfully, JJ and I discovered Twilight late in the game and as we've mentioned before, there was very little time between when we read the books and when the movie came out. Neither one of us really had a clue that there was an expansive online Twilight community until we were pretty much up to speed. So there has never been much of an opportunity for us to happen across spoilers. Until now.

I was excited during the initial build-up to the shooting of New Moon. It was awesome to see the existing cast getting back together again, and to find out who was being cast in new key roles (not to mention the "will they or won't they?!" dilemma concerning potential recasting of certain roles from Twilight). Given the aggressive production schedule that has been set for the filming of the subsequent movies, we didn't have to wait long for things to get underway. And then it hit me: I didn't want to know about it, I didn't want to see any of it, and yet here I had deliberately spent the last several months actively carving a place for myself right in the thick of spoiler-central.

Don't get me wrong: I love my fellow twibloggers and am massively impressed with the information they are able to get their hands on. I LOVE seeing pictures of the cast in the right context! Some of the pics of R-Pattz's b-day festivities reminded me--CLEARLY and in a way that instantly took me to my near-catatonic-OMRobward-happy-place--of one of the more compelling reasons that I am so completely and apologetically smitten with the whole thing in the first place:

Jawgasm-inducing pic filched from RobPattzNews via TwiCrack Addict...

[wipes drool off of keyboard; forces self to look away...]

But I don't want to see ALL of it. When the crazy set stalkers nice, sane TwiFans who just happened to be in the area and started sending in their reports from the field, I was waiting for each update with bated breath. Wardrobe test shots? Bring it! Make-up and hair test runs [please please PLEASE let things be better than in Twilight! But that's a topic for another post...]? Show meeee!!! I was down with that... But once they started filming actual scenes, I realized I didn't want the blow-by-blow details. AT ALL. I just don't want to see each scene as it is being shot.

When JJ and my limo pulls up to the theater at 11-something p.m. on November 19th [hey - it IS JJ's birthday weekend, so we'll have a collective excuse to get our way and splurge as we see fit], I want to be able to watch the film for the first time and [hopefully] be transported to Twilight nirvana. I want it to be magical! I don't want to watch each scene thinking "oh here's that one where they stopped for seven smoke breaks, changed outfits a few times, signed a bunch of autographs, and then afterwards went out to dinner at Chez VanCity and had fruity cocktails! Rob had spaghetti and meatballs! And he made that funny face..."

"Man, I wish I hadn't eaten that burrito from the Kraft Services table earlier today..."

Nope. Not for me! Thanks but no thanks! I want to watch it the way I watched Twilight: all new to me, giggling hysterically into JJ's ear every thirty seconds, each scene fresh and new [and hopefully-not-too-unintentionally-funny this time around]. And maybe then I will backtrack and see what I missed (fellow twibloggers, please be prepared for an onslaught of my comments on your six-month-old posts some time around 11/20 or 11/21. I WILL be expecting responses - lol!) . But until then, if some of my co-bloggers find that I am not lurking around their sites with my usual level of zeal, now you know why. Nothing personal. I'll be back!

"I pity the fool who ruins this movie for Snarkier Than You!"

Some e Cards for the Twilight Lover in All of Us!

There is nothing I love more than trolling the internet for all things Twi-related in my spare time. Well, except reading Twi smut, that is. Actually, if we want to be really honest, smut in general. Oh, and drooling over pictures of RPattz is kind of nice, too. Oooh, and I really really like... er, never mind - you probably don't want to know.

I am also a huge fan of finding websites that make me laugh so hard I end up snorking some sort of beverage out of my nose. Or the ones that cause me to squeak out a surprise fart, for that matter (don't you hate when that happens?). There are a few non-Twi sites (heresy! Get the stake and some gasoline! Where's my pitchfork?!) listed on our blog and, thanks to Letters to Twilight, I have only recently emerged from a week-long bender with Texts From Last Night. Damn you, ladies, damn you!

Naturally, if I can find a mash-up of these intellectual** pursuits on one site, well, that just makes me all fucking gushy inside.

Which brings me to another favorite ol' site of mine - some e cards. Let's put it this way: if Hallmark is Santa Claus, then 'some e cards' is the big brother who told you when you were six years old that Santa died a painful and horrible death in a flaming sleigh wreck. And that it was all your fault.

I shit you not, I actually clapped my hands like a little kid at her birthday party when I found these. I may have even squealed. What can I say, it's the small things that excite me (that's what he said - wait, that makes no fucking sense... or does it??? hmmmm...). Regardless, prepare yourselves to squeal, snortle, and spew. And then figure out who is worthy of being the recipient of these awesome cards:

Uh... NOPE! It sure didn't work that way for me, anyway... If anything, "dirty me" just wanted to rip that halo off of Edward's righteous head and use it in ways that would make him blush if he were physically capable of doing so...

I'm listening... Go on...

Note: This only works if you are a really really HOT 107-year-old vampire! This is a VERY important detail! Do NOT forget the hotness factor.

** Intellectual - [in-tl-ek-choo-uhl]

Noun
1. a person who places a high value on or pursues things of the more complex forms and fields of knowledge, such as toilet humor, vulgarity, snarky witticisms, hilarity stemming from the misfortunes of others, debasing sexual jokes and any insult that starts with the words 'douche' or 'twat'.

Robert Pattinson's Cult of Personality Explained!

As everyone is undoubtedly aware, today is a national holiday in Twilightland: the birthday of Robert Pattinson. I'm not going to talk about how old he is and I am definitely not mentioning what year he was born in because it makes me feel ancient, but I am happy to report that he DOES fit within my socially acceptable "date-able" age range using the "half-your-age-plus-seven" rule, so it's all good!

I am also pleased to announce that in R-Patts's honor, we will temporarily cease burning everyone's collective retinas with scary Edward dolls (and scarier, much-furrier-everywhere Jacob & Renesme dolls...) so that we can celebrate all things Robward!

Happy Birthday, you sexy beast!

At one point or another, most of us who frequent Twitarded (myself included) have taken a step back from our obsession for a moment to ask "What the fuck happened to me?!" We know it's true - we've been there--hell, we are still there--we're living that same life! We all know we're too old for this teeny-bopper-level crushing on an actor, a fictional character, or (even worse) the bastardized hybrid we've made of the two. But I have good news for you! It isn't your fault. There is nothing that any mere mortal could have done to prevent the onset of this disturbing level of infatuation. That's right: I'm here to tell you that you never had a chance against his effortlessly beguiling ways. And I'm gonna prove it.

To back me up, I defer to my reference book of choice on all tremendously important matters, The Secret Language of Birthdays. If you've never heard of it, it's a book that gives a personality profile based on the day you were born. And while I'm not one who typically buys in to this kind of hooey, it is generally eerily accurate in most instances. This is most definitely one of them. I'll pluck a few choice passages and you can decide for yourself!

May Thirteenth: THE DAY OF NATURAL APPEAL [I shit you not.]

May 13 people often have great popular appeal in their immediate social circle or in society at large [you don't say...]. With apparent ease, in the most natural manner possible, they can achieve the recognition and success that others must struggle to attain...Those born on this day have a marked influence on others [you don't say?]...Those born on May 13 often transmit their message through their physical presence [hubba-hubba!] and activities involving the human body [whoooo!!!]...Naturalness and playfulness remain the hallmarks of this day...May 13 people must must guard against discouragement, disillusion, pessimism and melancholy [stop hiding in your hotel room and under your hoodie, R-Patts - it's no good for you!]...The joy of sharing time with others brings health benefits as well [see?! it's a reciprocal relationship: he needs us, we need him!].

Wanna know what other famous people were born on May 13th? Stevie Wonder! Dennis Rodman! Harvey Keitel! Stephen Colbert! Allison Goldfrapp! Oh, and Jim Jones... I've already likened the Twilight experience to "drinking the kool-aid," but I didn't know the extent of it! And admit it: if Robert Pattinson told you he wanted to build a paradise in Central America and would you please join him and come along??? You'd be right there faster than you can say "One way ticket to Guyana, please!"

I found an absolutely exhaustive astrological profile for the Robster over at Astrotheme (Jackie Stallone wasn't available...), so feel free to take a look there if you're into star-houses, polarities, and the like, but since I happen to know that like me, most of you have the attention span of a hamster, I have taken the liberty of pulling out a handful of totally random Taurus factoids. Disjointed? Yes. All 100% absolutely true? You betcha!

Chinese Astrology: Fire Tiger [Hot diggity Rawr!!]

Taurus governs the neck and the throat. [LOL!!!]

Colors are green or brown [amber?!], day is Friday [yay Friday! Who doesn't love Friday?], professions are cook [yes, sticking stuff in the microwave counts!], artist [whoot!], singer [yeah baby!] Taurus is faithful [isn't it true, Robward?], constant [aren't all vampires?], strong [ditto!], sensual [duh], and loyal.
Some traditional associations with Taurus: Countries: Switzerland [Go Team Switzerland! oh fuck it: I am SO Team Edward...]. Food: apples.

You are quite introverted [so shy!], imaginative and sometimes discreet, but you are a deep and wise person who is not content with just noisy and flashy things. You are a magnetic and mighty predator who needs to exert pressure on others in order to "test" them [test me! test MEEEEE!!!]. You are always ready to live more intensely whilst imposing your secret authority on things and on people you encounter [mmm... "secret authority..."]. You are very sensitive to your environment. You “feel” atmospheres, moods and other people’s emotions [just like Jasper!]
You are a good adviser, a reliable person whom people can confide in discreetly [K-Stew, we're lookin' in your direction...]. You usually express yourself with a lot of charm. You have so much charm and so much volubility that you easily manage to be what is known as a lady-killer.
Your physical urges are pressing [hee-hee!]; you are sensual and pleasure takes an important place in your life. [faints; falls over...]
You are so resistant and so solid that you are able to cope with any challenge, any ordeal. [Even crazy fangirls! SQUEEEEEE!!!]

You know who is NOT a cult of personality? This guy - our new semi-official mascot here at Twitarded, Bad Vampire:

Bad Vampire sez "Happy Effing Birfday Robwaaaaard!!!"