Twitarded Hard at Work!

I read somewhere that every good writer needs a sanctuary in which to write in. This isn't mine, but it's close...

This is actually what I came home to back in March when I went to SXSW. STY had to wait two whole days for me to return to watch Twilight, which gave her a l-o-t of time to ransack deck my apartment out, Twi-style. (I have ALL the pictures but promised I wouldn't post them. Unless she pisses me off...)

...and the view on the other side of the coffee table that day.

Anyhoo, I figured I needed to set up my own little sanctuary in the hopes that this will somehow magically help my writing. Oh, and also to keep ML the hell off my computer. I'm very territorial that way. I call it "The Lair," among other things. I figured The Lair was appropriately cheesy but also just a tad... nah, never mind. Just fucking cheese. And not even good cheese, like Gruyere. That name is straight up Velveeta. Or Cheez-Whiz.

Before ML left this afternoon for band practice, he asked me to make him his favorite three bean salad for dinner. The only reason this salad is his favorite is because it's the only thing I can actually cook that doesn't involve me staring at the sparse (and potentially rotten) contents of our refrigerator and saying, 'ah, fuck it, I think this will taste good...' [NOTE FROM STY- Can I just point out that this dish doesn't involve any actual "cooking"? If you're handy enough to work a can opener, you're golden.]

This is kind of what our fridge looks like... But ours is much, much more disgusting looking.

Naturally I agreed, but the second he shut the front door, I raced into the back room, aka 'my fucking lair, bitches.' This is where my half of the magic train wreck that is Twitarded occurs.

'The Lair', aka 'The Lair, Bitches' aka 'I'm writing, not now' aka 'SHUT UP! I'm trying to write', aka 'I'm going to hire a fucking ninja to take you out if you bother me one more time'.

ML has pointed out, on occasion, that I have more than a few pictures of Robward but none of him on my desk. Duly noted. But in my defense, I don't write a blog about ML, which is probably a good thing on several levels.

This picture in the frame is a particular favorite of mine. STY made it for my birthday last year shortly after the Twilight movie came out. It's the famous 'I'm hot and standing next to my Volvo shooting smoldering looks at you' picture. And if you can't read the text, it says...

My darling Jennifer, Please don't hate me just because my movie sucked.

This is what I call my 'reference section'.

All the books one needs in life in one neat little stack!

Sadly, I'm a lacking in the space department but I believe I do have all the essentials. Cursing, the entire Twilight series, an Alchemy candle... a picture of Rob. I'm all set, right? Oh, and that silly thesaurus, which is SO much lamer than the Creative Cursing book (that STY is never getting back...).,

Next, we have our 'Fan Fiction' department.

"How to Write Porn 101" book [strangely enough, I discovered I didn't actually need many pointers] Check. Netbook so I never waste a moment on my commute? Check. Phone to call or text STY every thirty seconds? Check. Candle and wine plus a little Mini-E & Mini-B action to set the mood? Checkity-check-check...

Since I have a tortuous, soul-sucking round-trip commute of about four hours, I tend to do most of my writing on my Netbook (aka "Lair on the Go") on the train. I have to admit, it's kind of weird sitting there, squished next to some smelly business dude wondering, 'should Edward be licking her clit? Slit? Love button? Maybe I should just make Bella suck his cock...'

It's also kind of strange because, well, people are nosy and I'm trying to write porn, here. Sheesh. The next time someone leans in to read what I write, I'm definitely going to type 'STOP BEING A NOSY TWAT.'

I have to admit it's taken some getting used to, this whole "writing dirty stories on the train" thing. If there is one thing I hate, it's being annoyed when I'm writing and riding the train is nothing but annoying.

ML, on the other hand (because he is a sweet, patient man who would prefer not to be gelded by his crazy girlfriend) knows not to disturb me when I'm in my Lair. Instead, he sort of hovers by the door for a little bit, then s-l-o-w-l-y creeps towards me, head down, so as not to look threatening. Usually I'm so absorbed in whatever I'm doing that I'm only vaguely aware he's there. It only took one time for the poor guy to realize that barging in while I was writing is a BAD decision. I had my headphones on and he scared the holy living bejeezus out of me (he says he didn't do it on purpose, but he's a lyin' bastard). I let out such a blood-curdling scream--followed by a string of expletives that nearly peeled the paint off the wall--that ML was afraid someone might call the cops. From that day on ML doesn't try to sneak up on me and see what I'm up to.

Except for that one time he caught me looking at porn. Well, maybe twice. At least I have an excuse now...

Oh, and speaking of adult stories... I'm cutting this post short to work on something else...

More 15 Step coming your way soon, bitches! Now please tell STY to let me out of the basement... Pleeease!!

What's YOUR Twilight Vampire Name???

Image from here.

It's the weekend and I know that everyone's probably off at a weenie roast or heading down the shore [we live in Jersey - we go "down the shore," not "to the beach"] or T-ball practice or something, but c'mon: you know you still need a quick Twilight fix to keep you going. Admit it! Or maybe you have a few minutes to kill while waiting for the next bit of Twi-news or smokin' Robward pic to hit the net? Well boy oh boy I have a found just the thing for you! It's totally worth the fifty seconds of time suckage it can offer you... Don't you want to know what your Twilight Vampire name is??? Of course you do! So navigate your busy self over to the Twilight Vampire Name Generator, and in ten seconds flat, you'll be done (even if you have a long name, are a "hunt-and-peck" typist, or both).

What's your Twilight name??? Snarkier Than You is "Rosalie Stanley" (wtf?!) and I'm "Renée Ateara" - grrrrreeeaaatt...- I'm a stinky werewolf! [note from STY: I always knew there was something not right about that girl...]

Want something a little more traditional??? Well then head on over to The Vampire Name Generator and find out a little bit about your old-school vampire self.

Here's what it had to say about me:

The Great Archives determine you to have gone by the identity: Empress of Drac

Known in some parts of the world as: Bast of The Highway Thieves [wtf?!]

The Great Archives Record: Takes more than gold from the rich on the highway - takes blood too.

And about STY's ancient vampy self:

The Great Archives determine you to have gone by the identity: Poppy Pope [Whaaa?!]

Known in some parts of the world as: Artemis of The Balkans [note from STY: I'm the virgin huntress of the Balkens?? Cool!]

The Great Archives Record: An animal-like vampire who can barely speak [aka "Snarkier after a few drinks - lol!] - everything is actions with this one. It runs with the deer. [note from STY - Does this mean Edward's gonna chase me through the woods and catch me mid-air and have his way with me?! Wheee!!!]

Don't wanna get all Dungeons and Dragons with it but still want a cool vampire name? Then try THIS site for an entirely different traditional-but-not-quite-as-ancient vampy moniker! My name here is "Tessa Iceshard." Maybe I have spent too much time recently flipping through the Curse Generator, but this sounds dirty to me somehow. Like it's my 14th century nordic porn-star name or something... STY is "Churel Ghostfire" here (if you can think of something clever to say about that, go for it; I'm at a loss).

Still have a sec? On a somewhat similar yet entirely not-Twilight-related note (giving a nod to STY's love of mod Scandinavian/Danish furnishings), how would you like to know your Swedish Furniture Name?? Snarkier is SNÅRKYÖRD TJANVIK YÖU and I'm JENII SVERKFÄSS. If you were on the shelf at IKEA, what would your name be??? And between you and me, I think these names would be perfectly cromulent as our "Scandinavian Vampire Names" - and you saw the Cullen house in Twilight - you know how much they like that mid-century modern look!

Snarkier Than You's dream house (bonus if it comes complete with Cullens!)

Twitarded Guest-Posts at Cullen Boys Anonymous!!

Damn. It's been a busy week for us here at Twitarded! Not only did we have a great interview over at The Volturi Approves when we were chosen as their Site of the Month, but we also got a Youtube mention over at ApplesnFeathers. But wait, there's more! What The Forks?! posted an email from an outraged Snarkier Than You, AND Cullen Boys Anonymous asked us to do a guest post on their site!!

That's right: head on over to Cullen Boys Anonymous to see the very first edition of "Guest Blogger Fridays" featuring none other than yours truly! This is going to be a weekly special guest spot where other Twilight-themed blogs will have a chance to strut their stuff. You can also check out their newly revamped site, as CBA recently took the leap from Blogger to web page and have all kinds of new bells and whistles!

Because it's been such a crazy week for us, we're thinking that perhaps there may be a few Twitarded virgins lurking around (it's ok!), and it is our personal goal to make sure your first time is a relatively painless experience (it still might hurt just a little bit, but in a good way).

Therefore, we've compiled a short-list of some of our favorite shenanigans. Whether it's mortifying ourselves at SXSW or coming to terms with our Twilight addiction, we've held nothing back. For better or for worse.

Which reminds me... I should warn you: Snarkier Than You and I are seriously lacking in certain areas of etiquette and social graces (well, I am, anyway, and I have been doing my best to corrupt STY), so if your delicate sensibilities get offended easily--or you're under 18--tread with care, or maybe not at all.

With that in mind, please enjoy some of our faves!

Edward's Adventures at SXSW

Is it Time for TwiHab???

The Controversy in Breaking Dawn - SPOILER!!

Edward Goes to the Trash Bar

Exclusive Breaking Dawn Sneak Preview! [Spoiler]

If you like what you see, leave a comment! Sign up to follow us! Or just come back and lurk every once in a while until you are ready to embrace your Twitardedness. We have a feeling you'll be back...

The Volturi Approve of Twitarded!

We are very excited to announce that The Volturi Approves of us!! And it's not because of our special powers (we have none, dammit) or the fact that our blood sings to them (unless they like a nice red-wine-tinged variety on special occasions, that is) - it's because you guys like us!

Click on any image to go read the interview!

We were SO stoked about the honor of being chosen as the Volturi-Approved site for the month for May (and the subsequent interview) that we couldn't even manage to pull ourselves together enough last night to write this post. You know how we roll here: pop open the bubbly! We were celebrating!

Anna at The Volturi Approves (who also runs it's sister-site, Peace. Love. Twilight!) posed the hard-hitting questions you've been burning to ask, even if you didn't realize it. Wanna know more about Twitarded's mysterious new Twi-Partner In Crime, Office Snarky? Well then head on over to TVA and find out! I bet you're dying to know the sordid deets of how that whore-flap Jenny Jerkface and I met, right? Right?! Well, there are answers to that and more at TVA.


Thanks so much to Anna for making Twitarded her choice for May and for taking the time to interview us! AND for making such awesome graphics!

XO,

Snarkier Than You & Jenny Jerkface

P.S. As soon as we figure out how to make it go, we'll be adding the award below to our page! At least we are consistent in our technical epic fails...

Kat Von D's...Twilight Tattoo???

In one of my lame recent attempts to read something non-Twilight related, I was flipping through a copy of Entertainment Weekly and came across an interview with Kat Von D, who has a new book out called High Voltage Tattoo. I was kind of spacing out staring at the picture [did I mention it wasn't about Twilight? Ergo, attention span = near zero] and all the tattoos she has and thinking about how I would kill for her eyebrow when suddenly my Twidar started going bonkers. "Stupid Twidar..." I said to myself, "you must be broken! That's not Twilight-related - that's Kat Von D!" But it was insistent and it has a perfect track record of spotting all-things-Twilight-related the past (like here!), so I took a closer look. And that's when I noticed the tiiiiny apple tattoo on her thumb (right below the tiiiiny tattoo that says "FUCK".

See it???

How 'bout now???

Got it???

OK - how about right-side up and reeeeaaally close-up? THERE! See it?!

Is this possible??? Does Kat Von D love Twilight? Hate it? Did she run out and get an apple tattoo when she read Twilight and fell madly in love with it like the rest of us and then tattoo "FUCK" above it in a fit of rage when she finished Breaking Dawn???

Sadly, we may never know... I did a lot of random Googling in an effort to find out if she had ever expressed her opinion on Twilight one way or another, and while I found a LOT of other... "colorful" bits of information, I couldn't find anything to substantiate my "Kat Von D loves Twilight!" theory. Maybe she just had a really good apple one day and wanted to commemorate the moment. And then she had a really bad apple, thus the "FUCK"? I could go a lot further with this line of thought but it's probably better that I don't... I only watch her show every once in a while but she strikes me as someone I don't want to piss off if I an help it.

P.S. When I called JJ this morning after she texted me to ask "How much tit is acceptable 4 dentist office?" [we agreed that not potentially distracting the dentist while he was working was a good idea lest she come away from her root canal with a bonus nipple-piercing, if you are wondering... and also that if she has to ask me, she's probably baring too much boobage.] and I told her that I was going to write something tattoo-related, the first words out of her mouth were "Is this something that might require me to get another tattoo??? Because I'll do it! Just say the word!" Um, if I somehow end up being the impetus for JJ's next tattoo, I think "ML" is going to find a way to separate us. And if you want to know why I already call JJ's last tattoo "my tattoo," you can find out by reading "Edward Gets a Twilight Tattoo!"

P.S. @Kat Von D - You are probably rollin' in money. Get those man-hands a manicure, STAT!

P.P.S. On closer inspection, I think there is actually a tiiiiny "U" in between the "FUCK" and the apple tat - man, she must have been pissed when she got through Breaking Dawn!

Oh - and I know you ladies (((coughwhore-flapscough))) who read Twitarded regularly know to take this with a grain of salt, but for everyone else, Yes, I'm aware that if Kat Von D was going to ink something Twilight-related on her bad self that it probably wouldn't be a little ol' apple that doesn't really look like the Twilight apple. I'm betting that she would get a spot-on portrait of the ENTIRE Cullen clan instead. Somewhere naughty.

New Moon Trailer - A Twitarded Critique

I still get 'drool face' over this picture...

Jenny Jerkface here – like so many of you here (ok, all of you), my lovely cohort STY and I have been watching the New Moon trailer like fat ladies on a donut. We’ve read many of your critiques, complaints, and accolades of the trailer, so we wanted to return the favor by giving you ours. Not like you asked for it or anything.

Therefore, we’ve decided to do another joint post. We’re sorry. We offer you and olive branch in the form of... yup, you guessed it.




Okay, first things first - I get that we are potentially going WAY overboard with our critique of a one minute forty two second clip but come on, the movie isn't out yet and we need to occupy ourselves somehow. Cut us some slack, you. There is only so much Robward/Twilight fan fiction a girl can read before her clitoris screams 'STOP TOUCHING ME!! FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY!!"

Here are the things we liked:

Snarkier Than You -
The makeup looks a lot better. I had a major issue with that in Twilight. If I ever meet the person who did makeup in that movie, I will give her such a smack… Seriously; is it THAT hard to use a makeup sponge to blend the white into the flesh? Has nobody ever told her that a demarcation line is a bad thing? For that matter, why not just splurge and cover the whole neck and all skin showing with white makeup?? I have seen better makeup jobs in high school plays. All that makeup artist had to do was take a few tips from this site on how to look like a Cullen.

Everyone seems very serious - like they're going to capture a lot of the emotion of the story well. R-Patts sounds like he's been working on his accent (thankfully - give that voice coach a trophy! I think...). His faux-American accent was pretty lame in Twilight. I leaned over several times to ask JJ if it was more Christopher Walken, Tony Soprano, or some odd bastardization of the two. Either way, not good for “average teen in Forks”-sound imho.

So far, Taycob looks believable as a love interest (I still have mixed feeling on this - would have been nice if he was a little older but seeing him in the trailer made me think I MIGHT be able to have enough suspension of disbelief at the ready to not let the fact that he's not even 18 yet (and won't be if the movie releases on time - sorry!) ruin the movie. And yes I know that Kristen Stewart was only 17 during some of the filming of Twilight but that was a little different... After checking out some pictures over at Pillow Biter, I've come to the realization that boy is too hot for a minor - we are all going to jail. Rumor has it some folks over there are starting a “bail fund.” And we're happily contributing.

JJ – Agreed. Taycob is definitely hawt, even though I feel filthy admitting that. All I know is that I generally consider 'bail' an 'emergency' and have budgeted accordingly, so I should be good. STY, on the other hand... good luck with that. [note from STY: I have bailed people out of jail. At 2 a.m. on a weekend. It ain't pretty but I know the ropes and the people you save from entering the general jail population are indebted to you forever. Don't knock good credit.]

The makeup looks SO much better BUT... Edward still looks like he's sporting a lot of lipstick.

Laurent’s eyes look awesome. I was so bent that the contacts were so blatantly obvious in Twilight. It ruined it. Then again, if STY had never pointed this out to me in the first place, I probably wouldn't have noticed... so I'm not sure who to blame about this - STY or the makeup bitch [STY - definitely makeup bitch. And whoever thought nobody would notice the close-ups where you could see the contact lenses].

The special effects look FUCKING great. No more silly sped up vampires. I swear I almost fall out of my seat every time I watch the scene when Edward opens the car door for Bella at chez Cullen for the first time. Nice try, glad the interns had fun with it, but L-A-M-E.

I liked how much “darker” it seemed. As someone quipped during the live-blogging done by TwiCrack, LTT/LTR, Lauren's Bite, and New Moon Movie mega-live-stream during the MTV Movie awards, “Chris Weitz, you are my life now.”

The vampires are a lot smoother looking in the trailer. In Twilight, they seemed too...over-the-top, almost caricatures of themselves. For a group of people who wanted to keep out of the limelight, they sure did a poor job of it. In the NM trailer, however, they look polished. Perfect. Just right.

I know STY will disagree but I liked the whole 'dead meadow' thing. She thinks otherwise.

Now the fun stuff. Things we didn’t like about the trailer:

JJ - Did not like the whole Jacob/wolf segue thing. It ruined any suspense regarding the wolf transformation. Granted, unless you've been living under a rock or are too lazy to have read the books [in which case we have absolutely no sympathy for you], you have to have some gist of what Twilight/New Moon is about, but they shouldn’t have made it that obvious. I know it's astonishing, but there are people out there that will go see the movie without having the tiniest idea of what's it about [STY: screw them...]. The blatant 'JACOB IS A FUCKING WOLF' thing is the movie version of premature ejaculation.

While KStew seems... less twitchy, she still seems a wee bit... tense.

Ok, this isn't in the trailer but... does Jacob Black have a tattoo? On his right arm? Can this possibly make him hotter? Why yes, yes it can.

{{Shakes head, pulls self out of potentially illegal gutter}} Ahem. Oh yeah, where was I? The wolf itself. Seemed pretty cheese to me. We’ll see.

STY - I christen thee “Rabid Lassie.”


Really that’s all the bad stuff we said?? That doesn’t sound like us AT ALL.

Meadow scene? Salting the earth?? Someone went overboard with “dead vegetation” but no biggie…

Intro music does not have the same wallop as the Twilight trailer… THAT music still give me chills… “WOOOOOHHHOOOWOOOHOOOOOO…Nothing will EVER be the same…” {{{shudder}}}

Sunken living room/new house = blah! Stephenie Meyer made such a point of describing the sun-soaked rooms. Even though the house in Twilight was mod and nothing like SM described, it worked. Who knows - maybe this will be OK when we see more of it too but for right now the set-finder-person (there is a name for this but it is escaping me at the moment… “location scout” I think??) = epic fail on the house.

So there you have it. All I can say is that I loved Twilight, even though I hated so many parts of it. New Moon is shaping up to be spec-fucking-tacular. Not only is there Edward but... wolf pack, anyone?

Obama, McCain & Edward Visit the Midwest!

If you were paying attention earlier, you may have seen the "there for nanosecond"/blink-and-you-[hopefully]missed-it posting of this, temporarily entitled "POST THIS MOTHERFUCKING SHIT." Note to bloggers and aspiring bloggers everywhere: the "Save Now" and the "Publish Post" buttons are deceptively close to each other. Plus JJ is blind as a bat, which didn't help matters. And I am almost as blind. OK, and it was the Monday from hell (I survived my company's fourth round of lay-offs... YAY!!! -ish...) and it is possible that we were both under the influence. Of something [ok, it was red wine]. JJ is going to be the happiest person in the world tomorrow when she finds out I pulled myself together enough to post something (or maybe she will berate me because I didn't run it by her first - who can tell with her?), because in all honestly, we spent an hour or two laboring over several potential topics earlier this evening before we gave up and she kicked me out. Enough said. Moving on...

More often than we are able to acknowledge, we get awesome emails from our readers. You are a creative bunch and some of you have no outlet for all of your fabulousness, so you send stuff to us. And we LOVE it. Case in point: the following mini-Edward action figure extravaganza was created by Anne, who was kind enough to send it our way and gave us permission to post it for your viewing pleasure (great job, Anne!) :

Obama, McCain & Edward Visit the Midwest!

TAP - Twitarded Associated Press Exclusive
Written by Special Guest Correspondent Anne

Pocket Edward (the miniature doppelganger of Twilight's Edward Cullen) played host to the President and his former opponent in Kansas City on Friday. The President admitted that he had intended to come alone, but due to McCain's openness to broaching party lines for the sake of the greater good, he was game. Nevertheless, the result made for a somewhat awkward photo op:


Two very powerful and handsome men shake hands, while the other asks "Where's the love?"

"Please give my best to Michelle... Her arms are as cut as my washboard abs." Mr. Cullen was overheard saying.


Said McCain "Yo! I can totally hang with these dudes! In vampire years, I'm not old at all! Edward is older than me and the chicks dig him!"


The President and Pocket E were said to have discussed foreign policy. Cullen has offered to donate his services to help bring resolution to the struggles in Iraq. "Given my infinite powers, ming-reading skills, and inability to sleep, I would be the perfect weapon of mass destruction (and of panties). In fact, had the existence of vampires been known prior, I am sure we could have eradicated this whole mess long ago. In addition, Emmett's been aching to see what the hunting is like over in the mid-East. Lastly, should the need for reinforcements be necessary...I have connections with Harry Potter." As if he'd need backup.


Later, Mini Edward shows the President around a recently destroyed local farm. Tornado Ellery was said to have passed through the area during the night, leading the President to declare Kansas City a federal disaster area. Oh, the carnage...


In their final meeting, which was closed to the public, Mr. Cullen encourages both sides to "step across the aisle" because, as he said "if I can collaborate with werewolves, my sworn enemy, the Left and Right should be able to get along."

When asked to officially declare his support, Mr. Cullen stated "I am not even supposed to be seen out and about with my true love, K-Bella, let alone make known my political preferences."

Clearly, with their limitless time and resources, as well as their ming-reading & future-predicting capabilities, the Cullen Family is a political powerhouse in the making. Plus, Edward looks better than Bono in sunglasses.
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Thanks for sharing, Anne!