Twilight + FACEinHOLE = Friday Funniez!

Our bloggy buddy Latchkey Wife has been up to her usual "hubby's away and the wifey will play" shenanigans and was in RARE form yesterday! [As in, JJ and I were in near-seizures from laughing so hard... It's a miracle we got our own disturbing post up although frankly now we're thinking it's time to move on from "twi-craptioning" before we all get arrested or worse...]

I know some of you have already seen this because I read your comments on her pee-yourself-funny post, but just in case some of you missed out or have somehow managed to remain unaware of the twisted awesomeness that is LKW, please enjoy a sneak-peek of the adventures of "Robkey" (and don't say I didn't warn ya' about the lizzing, ok?):

I did a little experimenting with my new favorite website - FaceInHole.com. I've got to tell you, I've never giggled so hard in my entire life! And the naughty part is I was doing this at work so as you can tell, I got absolutely nothing work-related done yesterday. Whatever. I think my boss may have been out of the office getting laid or drunk at a meeting or something. This was way more fun than work. Hope you enjoy my photo shoot with the ever so fuckalicious, Rob Pattinson. I know I did!

My tryout for Twilight didn't go so well... I think it's because I don't look so hot without bangs. Or maybe because it's pretty hard for me to pass for 17 these days... so sad. Not a lot of 17 year olds with double chins and wrinkles. Fuck this aging shit. Someone make me a vampire now before it gets any worse!

Another very serious pose... pay no attention to the fact that I'm trying to dry hump the shit out of him. And is it my imagination, or does the look on his face say "holy fuck, get this crazy cougar off me!?" Or maybe he likes it. I just can't tell...

Jump on over to Ramblings of a Latchkey Wife to read the rest of the funny & snortle yourself into a tizzy over the pictures she created! C'mon - it's Friday afternoon, it's summertime, and you didn't really feel like actually getting anything accomplished today anyway, did you? Ok then. Go!

Oh and Latchkey, if I send you a picture of me JJ, can you make cute -yet-somehow-also-disturbing FACEinHOLE pics for us, too??? Pretty please with Robert Pattinson on top???

A Twitarded Little Game...

Okay, this is just something fun (or lame, depending on your mood) that I figured I'd throw out there for shits and giggles. I basically (er, completely) stole the idea from Cracked.com. You see, they have a fun little section called Craptions where they post a picture and people make up captions for it in the comment section.

When I saw this picture I knew I had to post it here. And I'm pretty sure you'll all know why, too.

Think of this as interactive blogging - have fun and leave your captions in the comment section! And remember, there is no 'line' at Twitarded to cross! Well, yes, technically I suppose there is but we just haven't found it yet. And I'm pretty sure the only way we'll ever know we crossed it is when it's biting us painfully in the ass but... oh well!

Oh and a warning for the faint-of-heart: if you have a line, the majority of our commenters are absolutely going to cross it. And we will be cheering them along all the way [or until the authorities get involved... and then you better make good on your promises of bail money]...

Helpful example to get you started: Imprinting means WHAT?!

Image found here or here. It ain't mine, that's all I'm sayin'.

What Vampire Power Would YOU Want?

C'mon, admit it--you've thought about it: If I could have one super-power, which one would it be? For the sake of keeping my lunatic rambling to a minimum, I'm talking only about Twilight-y vampy super-powers. None of that Spideysense shit (though shooting webs from your wrists is pretty damn nifty, imo). I'm talking about Edward's mind reading abilities, Jasper's ability to control emotions, or Rosalie's ability to be a complete and total bitch.

I've bandied this little idea around here and there but it wasn't until last night (well, this morning, technically) that I really hunkered down and gave it some thought, mainly because I didn't really have a choice. So, from about 12:45 am (when STY's cell phone crank called me from her purse) to about 3 am (when I finally, finally fell asleep - fuck you very much, insomnia) I had nothing to do but think.

More specifically, I thought about which superpowers I would like to have and what I would do with them [note from STY: your go-to Twilight "happy place" needs some work. Just sayin'...]. Given the circumstances, if there was a superpower that would have rendered me unconscious for a solid six hours of sleep I would have taken that but alas, there wasn't. So I let myself mull over the other possibilities.

The first thing I had to decide was 'what would I use my power for?' I can't help but think of what Peter Parker's uncle says - "with great power comes great responsibility" or something like that.

Responsibility reschmonsibility. Superpowers would be no fun if you couldn't abuse the shit out of them. At least sometimes...

Let's face it: Given the opportunity, I would probably end up running around mindfucking every person I came into contact with. Oh, the possibilities! The rascally antics! [Clearly, like Edward, I wouldn't be the good guy. Well, except that he made a concerted effort to be good. And was emo about it from time to time. Never mind - I'm not like Edward after all.]


I'm only going to contemplate a few choice ones, namely the ones that have a inherent potential for abuse, mayhem and laughter at the expense of others. For example, Eleazar's power to discern the abilities of other vampires is SO JV-league. I'm going starter-Varsity here. I want a vampy-super-power letter jacket, thank you very much.

Jasper - Ability to Control Emotion
Charisma is important. That's why it's on the list of 'ability scores' in Dungeons and Dragons and you would have to roll a thirty-gazillion sided die to get your scores. Ahem, or at least that's what I've heard, because I would never be THAT geeky [oh fine, yes I was]. Jasper had the ability to effect people's emotions, make them calm, confused, relaxed, happy, angry, etc. Ever push someone's buttons because you KNOW it's gonna piss them off big-time? This is SO much better than that.

This one has real potential. Make a major mistake at work? With a little concentration you can calm the boss down, get her to tear up the pink slip, and the next thing you know you've got a promotion and an office. With a door! Boss is happy, you're happy - I say win all around.

Run into an ex? No worries there! With a little focus you could have him sobbing into his beer as he realizes that his life is nothing (noth-sob-ing!) without you in it. And all without your lifting so much as your little finger.

Speeding tickets would be a thing of the past! Just project an overwhelming amount of love on that cop and you're off the hook [it's like the True Blood "dazzle the cop" scene]. No more offering of oral services for a get out of jail free card. Just a happy smile and a little mind manipulation. Easy peasy.

Alice - Ability to Foresee the Future
Three words: I'm rich, bitch! However, it would be nice to have a little warning for the following: getting shit-canned at work [although it wouldn't really matter because you'd already be filthy rich, so...], avoiding fatal/potentially maiming accidents or getting a heads-up that you're going to accidentally pee yourself at a party ("Oh noes! I'm lizzing! Squeech!!"), run into the aforementioned ex or otherwise embarrass yourself mightily in some way, shape or form. Image yourself in a state of blissful preparedness for absolutely anything that might come your way. 'nuff said.

Cuz' that shit is going to make me RICH...

Jane - Ability to Inflict a World of Hurtin'
Jane's ability is to give off an illusion of pain. This is one ability I should never, ever be allowed to possess [STY's note - oh brother is it! I mean, I want lasers or flamethrowers on my car and I shouldn't have that, either...]. It's like the time I moved to a bad neighborhood and Daddy (not a)Jerkface asked me if I wanted a gun. Although, I considered for a nanosecond the street value of a gun in the 'hood - hey times were tough and a girl can't live on ramen noodles alone. For long, anyway...

I'm simply too jumpy and paranoid for anything that would be injurious to others. Some poor sap would come up to me asking for directions and the next thing he'd know all he's fetal and crying for his mommy and sucking his thumb all because he startled me and I used my Jane-esque mind voodoo on the sucker. Boy, would I feel bad, I guess. I'll just stick to nursing malevolent thoughts...

Uh oh, Jane Jenny Jerkface is comin'...

Zafrina - Ability to Make People Abso-fucking-lutley Nuts
Zafrina was one of the coolest vamps, power-wise. She had the ability to project illusions on people, which would be AWESOME on a crowded subway, provided I was not actually on it. Oh yeah, this is probably another power I should never get my little chubby paws on. Everyone around me would probably end up in a perpetual state of bad acid trip.

Me - And this is the guest room where you'll be staying...
Unsuspecting Friend/Loved One - Oh this is nice... Wait, what's going on? Where are we? OH MY GAWD WHAT'S HAPPENING?!
ME - [hiding grin] What's wrong?
UF/LO - AAAAGHHH, IS THIS HELL?! FLAMES EVERYWHERE!! NOOOOOOO!
Me - Dude, it's just a guest room. Chill.
UF/LO - AH MAH GAHD, GET ME OUT OF HERE!!!

And right down this hall (snicker, snicker) is where you'll be staying...

It'd be a hit at parties, though. Right?

However, while I am twisted enough to covet the "HAHA I can mess with you" super-powers, there is one power I know definitively that I would NOT want: the ability to read minds. Sure, at first glance it might seem tempting, but think about it: not only is it totally schizophrenic and disconcerting to have a million peoples' thoughts roaming around in your noggin, but you would also be privy to those peoples' thoughts about you. And I gotta be honest - I'd really rather not know what people are thinking about me because chances are, it ain't all that nice.

Snarkier Than You - Oh, my wonderful bff, you're here! Come on in, let me get you drink.
Me - aww, thanks! You're so good to - whoa! What's wrong with this shirt?!
STY - Er, nothing, I didn't say anyth-
Me - It is NOT a slutty shirt!
STY - Um, I didn't say that! I just thought it was a little reveal-
Me - A two-bit whore?! You think I look like a two-bit whore?
STY - Er, no! I would never think -
Me - I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU JUST THOUGHT THAT!!! I'm outta here! You're SO mean!

Er, yeah, I'll skip out on the mind reading, thanks. Even though in her defense - or not, depending on how you look at it - I wouldn't need mind-reading capabilities to know if Little Miss "That's A Lotta Tit For Camping" Snarky thought my shirt was a tad ta-ta-licious.

Believe it or not, STY thinks you dress like a slut...

Ignorance is bliss, after all.

Twilight Merchandise for the Discerning (and Possibly Closeted) Twitard

I have a confession to make: despite the fact that I'm the proud owner of an assortment of Twilight action figures, one gigantic Edward Cullen standee, and a vast assortment of other Twilight/RPatts ephemera, I wouldn't exactly consider my Twilight obsession to be totally out of the closet... Granted, I am not trying to hide my addiction the way I used to when I first became obsessed with the series, but I still keep it reasonably on the down-low. Let me put it in perspective this way: I no longer hide my book collection (although the magazines and posters remain stashed away like the porn that they are) and assorted Twilight goodies like Sweethearts and Twilight BandAids when we have company at our house, but when we finally get Full-Size Edward out in public, the ten-dollar difference between what he cost and what we raised will be spent on as much alcohol and valium as a ten-spot can cover, because I am gonna need it. And then some...

Anxiety over taking to the streets with FSE aside, it makes me happy to have little - and not-so-little - pieces of Twilight scattered about during the course of a day so that something is always nearby, waiting to make me smile. Even the most closeted fans can get away with some subtle and well-places items! Since Summit and Necca have for the most part done a lame job of satisfying my need for a Twilight fix (and Summit is on our collective shit list anyway), I went to Etsy to see what they might have to satisfy my jones...

I have always loved Edward's "Be safe" note - the font, the simplicity, the works! And at Etsy, you can find it on all sorts of cool stuff! The nice thing about"Be safe" is that even if someone is not into Twilight (because they haven't discovered it yet, natch) and doesn't get the reference, it still makes sense[-ish] and is a nice sentiment, so you probably won't get stuck explaining it to your non-Twi friends and even if you do, you can stammer something about how you are passionate about safety. Who's gonna argue with that?

I am definitely getting a vinyl "Be safe" sticker to put on my car! PB/Twilight Moonlighter bought one a little while back and I was totally jealous, so when I found it on Etsy for only $4 (including shipping!) I knew I would make it mine (maybe I will get one for JJ to stick to the window of her train every morning? Or she could put it on ML's car - he'd probably like that... [JJ's note - if I stuck that on ML's car I'd be walking to the train station EVERY. DAY.]).

Guaranteed to make you feel like you drive the most tricked-out minivan in town...
Get yours here!

They also had other cool "Be safe" pieces - options abound!

JJ and I are ABSOLUTELY getting a matching pair of these (further proof that I would marry her if only she had a penis... ) SQUEEE!

The ring above was temporarily unavailable at the time of this post, but the Etsy store that sells them, Twilight Jewelry, promises to have them in stock again soon and has some awesome merchandise that makes the stuff they sell at Hot Topic or wherever look like ass, so - definitely check them out!

They had this keyring...

And this bookmark set! Because I don't know about you, but I am somehow in the middle of both Eclipse and Breaking Dawn right now, so each book having it's own bookmark suddenly doesn't seem like such a bad idea...

Need something to keep your beverage chillin' on a hot summer day? Might I suggest this beverage cozy (it has the Cullen Crest on the reverse side!) by Diehard Twilighter: [JJ's note (again) I WANT I WANT I WANT!! And so does Vitamin R...]
Need something to carry around a fresh pair of undies (and maybe some smelling salts) so that you can freshen up/come to after reading Twiporn or watching one too many panty-melting YouTube videos at the office? How about asking "Wet Robward" to help out? OK, this may defeat the purpose and require a whole 'nother pair of panties, but you know you want this nice little zipper pouch, available here:
Speaking of Twiporn, from what I hear, some of you might be in need of something like this in nine months or so (available here)...

I wonder if they can customize to read "Twiporn"? hmmm...

Need everyone who enters your bedroom to know exactly where you stand? (available here):

No pressure, guys, but if you don't see feathers when it's all said and done, you probably weren't doing it right...

Or there is always this chilling silhouette of the Full-Size Edward standee to liven things up...

What do you mean it's glaring at you?! It doesn't even have eyes!
Although the "Be safe" takes on a whole new meaning here, no? (available here)

Er, and when you think DH or your S/O needs to know that there's room in your life for more than one perfect vampire man, you can get this iron-on for him (available here):

Hon, where's that glitter powder I just got for you??? Sweetie? Hello???

Think that's all there is? Trust me, my OCD friends, there is so much more and it is SO good (and some is SOOOO bad, too!). I have to admit, in between my re-re-re-re-re-reading of Eclipse, this blog, and the gazillion other awesome blogs, I've been trolling Etsy like an addict off the wagon. I am currently compiling more great Twi-goodies as we speak so check back later for updates!

And as always - Be safe.

(Cute button that won't out you available here)

Nikki Reed think RPattz Looks Like A Chick?!

I found this article over at TwiCrack but I know it's been circulating various blogs for quite some time but I haven't had the chance to toss my two measly cents into the mix. Until now, that is [rubs hands together gleefully]...

According to People Magazine, Nikki Reed has revealed the secret to RPattz's super sexiness. Now, it's got nothing to do with that quirky crooked smirk that makes me want to do something that starts with S and ends with EXY TIME, or that ultra delish hair that is often the cause of many a wet panty. Hell it doesn't even have to do with those intense, fuck-me-please-I-don't-care-if-peeps-are-looking eyes. Nope, it's none of the above.

Whaddya mean it's not my hair? I have this hair insured, for crying out loud!

It's because Rob looks like a chick. [queue needle-tearing-across-an-LP noise, sound off on the 'wha-wha-WHAT?]

According to Nikki, the young girls (us old bitches are skeevy and she shuddered to think what was going on through our minds)** like RPattz because...

"Rob is sort of feminine looking and I think young girls like boys that look like women," she said.

Apparently someone has been smoking a little wacky tobacky on the set of New Moon. Besides KStew, that is. (Image from here)

My corneas! Oh lawd MY CORNEAS! They're burning!! Oh, it hurts!!!!

My darling Nikki, I like you as Rosalie, I really do. I even liked you as the sociopathic, beer swilling slut in Thirteen. But honey, you have no idea what you're talking about.

Ahhhhh, much better. Meow.

Now listen, I'll be the first to admit that RPattz is definitely tipping toward the 'pretty' side of the masculine scales. While I normally don't lust after dudes who are prettier than I am, I'm definitely making an exception for the Pattzmeister.

In general, when I'm questioning the masculinity of a potential mate I use what I call the 'If I Can Kick Your Ass You're Probably a Pussy' test. It works on a scale of one to ten, with ten being so masculine that men and women alike start to spontaneously sprout chest hair in your presence and one leaving me to wonder if there is a vagina under your jeans.

As an example:

• Kellan Lutz - Not a chance in hell could I kick his ass - 10
• Taylor Lautner - I wouldn't be able to kick his ass but I would feel bad for trying because he's such a nice kid (which immediately knocks you down a few notches, tough luck kid. Maybe when you're actually legal.)- 8
• Jackson Rathbone - Ummm, yeah, I could probably do some damage. Sorry skinny boy but you're checking in at a 6 (this would not stop me from touching you in very naughty ways, jftr)
• Robert Pattinson - I might get a few pot shots in but ultimately I just want to do the horizontal tango sooooo, you're an 8, also.

There you have it. Jenny Jerkface's tried-and-true method for figuring out how prissy your boy-toy is. Use it wisely, grasshopper.

Anyhoo, back to Nikki's comment. I was totally perplexed why she would say this.

Nikki has OBVIOUSLY not seen this picture. Or lives in alternate universe. Not sure which one.

Naturally, because I'm incapable of keeping any of my Twi-musings to myself, I throw a line out to darling STY:

WTF? RPattz = feminine? What's Nikki Reed's type? Paul Bunyon? Is she attracted to dudes who look like they should be on death row or something?

To which STY responds:

I think that Nikki is mistaking Rob for one of those squeaky-clean kids on the cover of a teen mag - have you ever SEEN Rob on one of those? He totally stands out. It's like all these other kids want to knock politely when they come to pick you up at your parent's house, greet mr. and mrs. jerkface, graciously promise to be honorable and have you home by 10:00, and take you on a grope-free milkshake-and-a-movie date where you talk about your social studies assignment. RPatts looks like he's gonna wait until your parents go to sleep then sneak into your window - at you behest! - and sully your virtue. Then the two of you go out on the roof and chain-smoke until the wee hours of the morning while discussing the meaning of life and drinking pilfered hootch."

JoBros: Gosh! We would NEVER do anything inappropriate to you, and your parents will love us and our promise rings!
RPatts [wiggles eyebrows lasciviously]: Send out your daughters! And that MILFy wife of yours, too... Oh, and don't wait up, Pops...

Poor, poor misguided Nikki. I feel for you, I really do.

And if I was RPattz I'd totally slap you. And maybe pull your hair. Or maybe the next time he sees her he should just drop trou and demand "How you liken' my feminity NOW, Arizona?!"

You said what, Nikki? Oh no you didn't...

** - Er, this should go without saying but.... psssst - Nikki never said that.

Mini Edward[s] Meet Definitely-Not-Mini-Edward (Chaos Ensues)

What? Are you actually shocked that we didn't do something in a timely manner? Tsk, tsk. We had meant to do the introductions early, but FSE was...well, let's just say he was "otherwise occupied." Occupied by his full-time job of scaring the living shit out of me every single time I walked any place where he entered my field of vision, that is. In my defense, he also startled the poo out of a friend of mine a couple of times yesterday. Since I'm a complete jerk, this made me happy because I was starting to think that I was becoming a giant pussy. Boo.

So, it's a lazy, rainy Sunday afternoon and STY came by my place with the crew to visit, since FSE has been lurking menacingly at my house for the past few days. Official introductions were made - you know: "'Full Size Edward, meet Edward, Edward, Shades Edward, and that tarty little whore-chunk Bella..."' and then we left them to get acquainted, because, you know, we figured they would be all chillax with each other.

Sure hope no one has a Napoleon Complex or anything...

Er, when we returned to the scene a little while later, we realized that perhaps Full-Size Edward had freaked out the 'Mini" crew... What they lacked in stature they made up for in numbers and apparently FSE hadn't quite won them over... In fact, it had not went well at all:

Guys, guys! C'mon! Is that any way to treat Gulliver Full-Size Edward?!

Bella: On second thought, he's kinda sexy all trussed up like that...
Shades Edward: WTF? The three of us aren't enough for you?! You need this gangly little bitch too?! I mean, HELLO!? We have movable arms! This guy can't even touch your boobies!! And speaking of your rack, we don't like the way he was undressing you with his eyes...

FSE: I'm extremely angry yet oddly aroused. Why is that little munchkin girl looking at me like that? I shall dazzle her into freeing me...

Since no one is ponying up on what the hell happened in the short time they spent together, we can't be sure what fightin' words were exchanged, but it's clear that FSE was outnumbered. We pleaded with FSE to give us the deets but he was murderously chagrined and kept icily mum about the whole situation. The Minis were too busy high-fiving each other and ignored us like the haughty little vampy bitches they can be every once in awhile.

Who you calling petite now, you skinny, flat mother fucker! You're not even three-dimensional!

I secretly felt glad that someone knocked FSE down a few notches because I was getting tired of him sneaking up on me all the time (and would it kill him to smile every once in a while?). I have to say, the Mini Edward(s), Shades Edward and the Tart seemed awfully smug when we walked through the door.

Eventually, STY managed to calm everyone down and restore order. Apologies were grudgingly given and stonily accepted, and soon enough we managed to even get everyone together for a happy Twitarded family photo.

I'd kill all of you if I wasn't so two-dimensionally handicapped...

In typical Twitarded fashion, it never occurred to us that our demented little photo shoot wasn't a private affair until STY thought she saw some movement (and by 'movement' we mean 'gaping out the window and then hurriedly shutting their blinds') coming from my neighbor's house, which happens to be a whopping ten feet from my very wide open living room windows.

We also quickly shut the drapes because STY was convinced (and rightly so) that my neighbors might finally think we'd gone straight-up gangsta-killerz and kidnapped a young sexy stud whom we were in the midst of tying up in my living room, presumably to do very, very deviant and unspeakable things to (plus the paper shredder was nearby, which could be easily misconstrued as some sort of torture device). I thought this would be humorous, but apparently STY was a tad reluctant to have to explain to the five-ohs why we had a fucking cardboard cutout wrapped up with rope and a bunch of tiny action figures clamoring around him. In fact, she said she'd rather be caught doing the real thing because at least that was bad-ass and not just straight up fucking imbecilic. In all fairness, I guess nobody wants to respond to the question "What're you in for?" with "I pinned a life-size Edward Cullen to my floor and let his miniature friends have their way with him." Although I imagine that even in the big house, craziness of this magnitude would have 99% of the population giving us a a wide berth...

Dumbasses Twitarded hard at work!

Saturday SQUEEEE! with RPatts & Mrs. Vanquish

It's Saturday, we've made it through another loooong, soul-sucking week, and I think we could all use a little eye-candy right about now. Plus JJ is recovering from her many near-heart-attack-inducing encounters with Full-Size Edward since I lugged him to her house a few days ago (when I met up with her last night, the first thing she did was grab my by the shoulders and demand that I get Fucking Scary Edward out of her home - as if!). I was kinda hoping that she would like having him at her place while ML is away this month, but given the fact that I think I heard another distant, blood-curdling shriek emanating from across town earlier today, I have the feeling that FSE is going to be on my doorstep with a little note tied around his neck indicating that he is currently homeless and could I please take him in? Yes, we thought we would be fighting over custody, but I imagined it would be over the rights to have him IN our homes, not OUT of them... Eh - live and learn.

Anyway - we've had enough of K-Stew for a bit - let's back to the hotness that is Robward!

Our friend Mrs. Vanquish made her very first video starring none other than the Pattzster, and I think she may have sound her calling! We hope that this is the first of many... When you've regained your composure sufficiently, go visit her over at Let's Ride the Vanquish! - we know she'd like you to stop in and say "Hello!" "What's up, whore-flaps!"