Something frightening happened today in Twitarded land. It wasn't our usual "almost got caught blogging by the boss" moment, and not the "fml did I just send somethin really profane to my largest client?!?" or even the "holy shit did I just hit 'publish' on that post where I jokingly put a naked picture of myself?!" Nope, it was even worse--much worse!--and it shook us to the core.
We couldn't even get on the blog. At all. And we tried e-v-e-r-y-t-h-i-n-g. But we were essentially blocked from Blogger completely. No Twitarded, no TwiCrack Addict, no Latchkey Wife... Nothing! If you were on Twitter at some point this afternoon, you may be aware that Snarkier Than You and I were having some technical difficulties getting into Blogger. Naturally, when we're totally clueless as to what the hell is going on we reach out to all you folks.
And here is where it gets really strange.
All of you could get onto Twitarded. But STY and I could not.
As first, I didn't really think anything of it. I went to Twitarded but was cock-blocked by that annoying error message 'this page cannot be displayed because you're an epic failure'.
The ultimate online cock-block...
Whatevs. I didn't think too much of it. Then a half hour later I went back and got the same error. Huh.
Huh, my ass. Those tweets STY was throwing out my have seemed calm and collected to the casual observer, but trust me, we were FREAKING THE HOLY FUCK OUT!!!
I mean, seriously, the situation when from "oh twizzleshits, I can't get into Twitarded. You too?" to "OH MAH GAHD, THEY TOOK DOWN OUR SITE!!! WHERE IS THE KOOL-AID - YOU MUST DRINK THE KOOL-AID, THE END IS HERE!!!!!!" before you could say 'do your best Bella'.
STY and I immediately went through the possible reasons why we were unable to access our blog.
1) Blogger realized we are actually total twats and shut us down in the hopes of preventing us from morally bankrupting our age demographic
2) Blogger figured out that we didn't use their crappy 'adult' content warning and was displeased with ours and shut us down. I will never, ever put that fucking warning on my blog. I'm convinced that it sends IT departments emails tattling on you AND enters your IP address in a sex offender registry. Paranoid, you say? Yes I am...
3) RPattz finally stumbled across Twitarded and discovered that not only do we want to poop in his trailer, we also plan on stalking him with STY's ashes in the event of her untimely demise and had his attorneys put a temporary block on the site while they got the paperwork for the restraining orders ready. Frankly, if this was the scenario, I can't blame him. I'd be scared of us, too.
4) We're really fucking stupid and actually forgot how to use the internets.
Anyhoo, everything turned out for just ducky and thankfully STY was able to log in before I hurled myself off a moving train. But we've learned our lesson. We will be backing up all of our posts this weekend, just in case the bloggy Four Horseman come our way.
Oh yes, we will be prepared. We will not go down without a fight.
Plus, there is always Wordpress... We don't want to defect, Blogger, so don't force our hand, okay???
TwiWeasel is right - it's Monday and we probably all need a nice dose of RPatts to get us through the day!
Found this loverlyvid and it has an extra dose of Scruffy Rob for Jenny Jerkface, who loves her some whiskers... I feel a tad bad because she's at work and I'm still lounging around in my jammies because I took the day off and I am being incredibly lazy. But I am doing some bloggy work and I can also tell you that I have had a peek at the upcoming Chapter 8 of Fifteen Step and it is all kinds of awesome! You should see it one day very soon...
Enjoy! Come back later and we'll see what we can do to lighten the mood tonight!
I received the following email from a Twitarded reader who recently had her life upended by the defection of her Twilight partner-in-crime... It made me sadz... Since I am not Ann Landers or Dear Abby (really, why take advice from two people who couldn't even mend their own family feud?) and I think Dr. Phil is a douche-nugget (who takes diet advice from a fat dude???), I asked for - and received - permission to throw this out to the Twitarded masses in order that you may impart your collective wisdom and maybe give her some advice on how to deal with this quandary:
Hello Ladies,
My fellow Twitarded friend [we'll call her "Cindy" because "that cooch stain who ripped Mel's heart from her chest and stomped all over it" is a little wordy] broke my heart the other day by telling me that she has found a new love... She told me that she had been putting off the conversation for about 2 weeks and it was her sister that said if she didn't tell me then she was going to tell me herself. This is how the conversation went:
Cindy: Hi Mel, I have something I need to tell you that I have been putting off for a few weeks **enter Mel's gulp in here** Mel: OK, I hope it's not too bad... Cindy: You know how you love Dean and Sam (from Supernatural)? Mel: Yes, I do, but compared to Twilight it's nothing--it's more like a brotherly love. Cindy: Well...*PAUSE* I think I may have found a new love... Mel: I'm sorry WHAT??? Cindy: Well, you know the books that Stace [Cindy's sister] was telling us about that she said were better than Twilight? The Black Dagger Brotherhood series? I started to read them and I can't put them down. It's like an adult version of Twilight... Mel: I'm sorry Cindy--I really don't know what to say to you right now... I don't understand, speak Twilight to me??? Cindy: Well, if I had two doors and one had the Cullens behind it and the other had the Brotherhood behind it, I think I would choose the Brotherhood door. Mel: ***Silence*** Cindy: Mel are you still there? Mel: Cindy I can't believe you are saying this to me. After all we've been through together I feel like you are leaving me or worse breaking up with me (I should mention that I was reading New Moon at that time again which probably didn't help)! You are breaking my heart... Cindy: I know I'm sorry-- Mel: What do you want me to do or say??? Do you want an intervention because I can do that! Cindy: No, I want you to read these books. Please don't get me wrong--I still love the Twilight series, but this is just more adult. Mel: OK, I can understand the adult thing, but really the Brotherhood door?! What the fuck are you thinking?!? Cindy: I am going to come around and drop the first two books off now and you have to start reading them.. Before she came over, I actually had tears welling in my eyes (whilst listening to Twilight music). I was really upset! I felt--and still feel--so alone with my Twilight love now. When she arrived at my house, she stood at my front door with her head down. I let her in the door and said "I don't think I can let you leave without some sort of intervention. I think it is just maybe a phase you are going through is all..." She replied, "Twilight will always be my first love that I will always love like your first love in high school, but this is grown-up love." I couldn't argue with her any longer about the subject because I hadn't read the books.
Now a week later I have read the first book in the series. It is good and I would recommend it, but as far as the passion I have for it, well, there is none... So I still can't comprehend how she could dump Twilight (or me). Do I keep on reading?? what if I end up like her and forget where my roots are????
[This is supposed to be a BDB character. Sorry, but no way in hell this vamp's straight...]
This ends with needing some advice... How do you get over a Twilight breakup??? I feel I have nothing in common with my friend anymore. I still love her and she is still my friend, but there's nothing in common. We have different passions now, and I am so alone... Do I go out and find another Twitard??? Or create one because I have been known to do that just so I have someone to talk to about it? I told her when she left that night that I was going to go out into the woods, curl up on the ground, and go into a catatonic state. I felt like Jacob when Bella left to go to Italy (on the bright side, this has given me a whole new appreciation for Jacob).
What do I do?? And more importantly: am I as crazy as I sound??? Give it to me straight girls, I can't handle beating around the bush--I prefer beating through the bush or beating it down.
Help... Twitard in crisis...
Mel xx
SO! What do you think, people??? Should Mel lock Cindy in her basement with nothing but the Twilight Saga and RPatts fanzines to keep her company until she comes around??? Maybe go all rehab Clockwork-Orange style on her ass?? Nothing but repeated playing of the Twilight dvd with occasional YouTube vids thrown in for good measure??? [Um, just so you know, JJ, this is totally what you would be in for - and worse! - if you ever committed such a crime. You've been warned...] Should she burn her Black Dagger Brotherhood books??? Let us know what you think in the comments - Mel is looking forward to see how the Twiblogosphere will weigh in on the matter! And if worse comes to worse, there's always the friend break-up.
Right thing to do? Wrong thing? Too much??? You be the judge...
Good morning!!! Sorry we didn't post anything yesterday... We came thisclose to getting something out there for you, but at some point the ratio of alcohol-to-motivation tipped in the favor of booze and we got drunk instead. Whoopsie! Anyway, we'll be back in action later today, and make sure you're around, because we'll be asking you to help a fellow Twitard deal with a difficult situation. We couldn't get in touch with Ann Landers and we think Dr. Phil is a twat, so this is our solution. Who knows - if this works out well, maybe we'll feature an advice column on a regular basis! Then again, JJ and I don't have our shit together enough to dispense sage wisdom to others... But maybe you do!
In the meantime, please enjoy the following Sunday morning video selections - I picked 'em just for you! Er, and for my own gratification...natch.
Up first: Happy Trails...and jaw porn...and other drool-worthy stuff from the talented Pepilil(you've been warned - it's gonna get messy up in here...) -
Next, we have the latest masterpiece from one of our blogger bestiesMrs. Vanquish - if you haven't visited her lately, go on over to her site and say hi! This music on this one is a little peppy, so be prepared -
Enjoy the rest of the weekend - and don't forget to stop back later! xo
Only a short blurb of intro here - not that more is needed! These are the HQ scans from GQ Style Magazine - sent to me by the very wonderful and generous Stan from Under My Edbrella. If you haven't checked her out, you definitely should! She even make a Twitarded song for us!! And Mini-Edward is up to some shenanigans today at her blog, re-enacting the NM trailer with a little help from some friends - hysterical! We love Stan...
And we LOVE LOVELOVE this cover, even though it hides The Precious - it makes us think things that I can't even type while I am technically working. For the sake of full disclosure, I am actually sitting here in sloppy clothes and slippers being a poster-child for why employers shouldn't allow their staff to work from home - although just so you know, HR folks who follow my blog - and I know you;re out there! - I would have done this from the office because it had to be done. And you know it!
Without further adieu [click to enlarge - if all goes according to plan, you should be able to make these large enough to read - or slobber over... If not, I'll work on it!] -
I'm here today to talk about something that could be difficult to hear. You see, sometimes we love something very much. So much, in fact, that we tend to only see it for it's yummy goodness and fail to see the things that... well, ain't that fucking great! But, when that love grows bigger and bigger, more infallible...untouchable, even - well, one day we may wake up and realize...
Pthhhhp. Oh, fuck all this - I suck at being polite and diplomatic. Let me get straight to the point. The acting in Twilight blew a dirty dick (Billy Burke, you get a pass).
Lately, the only thing I've really been thinking about is the upcoming New Moon premiere. I sometimes wonder if I'll be this excited for other 'big' events in my life, like, say, getting married. Not sure. At this point I just want to be done with the whole home-buying and moving fiasco so that I can get back to the important things - like Twilight-related stuff...
Anyhoo, I have to admit that I was impressed with Taycob's acting chops in the trailer. He's pretty damn good, even for a youngster. I actually get the shivers [in a non-sexual way, I swear!] when he grabs Bella and says, "He left you, Bella. He didn't want you anymore." It's just an awesome line and he delivers it perfectly.
And let's not forget when he gets his mean face on and says "Don't. Get me upset." - grrrr! You rock on with your bad self, Taycob.
My abs will kick your ass while I sleep... RAWR!!!
Naturally, I started thinking about the collective acting skillz (and I use that term loosely) in Twilight. We've made it no secret here at Twitarded that Snarkier Than You and I both felt the acting was...less-than-good-ish. Somewhere in between KStew's stuttering, twitching and weird-ass head shaking, I couldn't help but notice that RPattz's, um, acting was only stellar in comparison. I didn't want to realize it but I did.
I totally thought she was going to go all Linda Blair at one point...
Rob Pattinson's acting chops were less than satisfactory. That's right, I said it. Jerkface, remember? C'mon, we've railed on poor KStew so many times about her face seizures and bellowing - it's RPattz's turn. Like his music, I'm basing my judgment purely on what little acting I have actually seen him do. You know what they say about opinions, after all.
I'm not saying that Rob Pattinson is a wretched actor, exactly... I thought he did a good job in How to Be and I honestly can't recall if he was good in Harry Potter, mainly because I was totally fixated on his gigantic caterpillar eyebrows. Seriously, I kept waiting for those fuckers to get all bewitched and maul his face or singlehandedly take out Lord Voldemort.
C'mon, hot or not, those things are HUGE...
Maybe it wasn't their (the actors, not the eyebrows) fault. Maybe Catherine Hardwicke's direction left something to be desired.
Catherine Hardwicke: Okay, this is a pivotal scene, RPattz. You're in Biology class after your long absence and you're about to introduce yourself to Bella. You want her blood and it's very difficult to hold back. Just pretend you have a butt plug shoved up your ass.
RPattz [furrowing caterpillars]: Pardon me, but I don't quite follow? What does my ass have to do with wanting to kill her? I just think that being anally probed and thirsting after her blood would look... different, perhaps?
CH: Who is the director here, you little shit? Oh, and in that other scene when you say 'My family... We are not like others of our kind...' I want you to channel your best Christopher Walken. Got it? GOT IT?!
[STY note - personally I blame Stephenie Meyer for this - she gave him Midnight Sun to read, and he went all method-acting bonkers with it... possibly a little too much... I have always wanted to go back and see if there was a notable difference between his acting/portrayal of Edward during the part covered in Midnight Sun vs. the rest of the movie, but of course I am too busy blogging about Twilight to actually spend much time watching the movie...]
So he hid it in the one place he knew he could hide something. His ass. Five long years, he wore this watch up his ass. Then when he died of dysentery, he gave me the watch. I hid this uncomfortable hunk of metal up my ass for two years. Then, after seven years, I was sent home to my family. And now, little man, I give the watch to you.***
Now, perhaps some of this was covered or touched upon in the director's commentary DVD but I never actually watched it so I don't know. I wanted to but I can barely focus enough to watch a movie so viewing a movie while the actors and director are yapping over it was enough to make my brain go into an ADD tailspin and blow up. Yup, I suck. You're going to have tie me to a chair and hold my eyes open all A Clockwork Orange-esque and I'll probably still totally lose my train of thought [yet another note from STY: I promise to make this happen this weekend...].
Oh, and don't forget to throw some daggers in the general direction of Melissa Rosenwhatever, the screenwriter. Somehow she's managed to hitch her wagon to all three movies, and it's yet to be seen whether this was a good move or not. After all, she's responsible for the lines they have to say, and things have been a little hinky thus far...
Don't get me wrong, you all know I love RPattz. Dearly. Lustily. However, I can't help but want to slap him silly for coming up with the gem that is 'hold on, spider-monkey' if only because it very nearly got me forcibly removed from the movie theater the first time I saw it (not that the alternatives were any great shakes). I had to shove my scarf in my mouth to keep from laughing hysterically. Then again, what did we really expect from the dude who also coined 'Spunk Ransom'?
Spider Monkey or not, I wish I was KStew in this picture. But the positions would be reversed. And we would be in a bed. Naked. But otherwise JUST like this...
That being said, I think the acting in New Moon is going to be much, much better. I can only assume they sent those cute kids to acting school in between, or maybe they both shared a bong hit and went halfsies on a 'Acting for Dummies' book but I see some serious improvement when I saw the NM trailer. When RPattz growls 'you can go to hell' I'm pretty sure my panties self-combusted.
I know, I know - who the hell am I to judge? I couldn't act my way out of a paper bag if my life depended on it, though I did audition for a musical once. When I was finished nasally warbling/screeching whatever-the-fuck song I had chosen and saw the horrified looks on the casting director's face I knew that the silver screen was not where I was headed. I get that you have to have a modicum of talent to make it in the movie business (Keanu Reeves being the exception) and I give the whole cast a lot of credit.
This isn't me but it might as well be.
But RPattz, I swear to shit if you look constipated in New Moon I'm going to be pissed. The same goes for you, Jacksper. Just sayin'...
Someone call the wahmbulance. Jenny Jerkface is being totally cunty again... I iz sad.
And since I'm on a Christopher Walken kick... if you haven't seen this video you really should. It's awesome.
Obsessed with Twilight? Think you're too old for this? You've come to the right place!
We are a bunch of over-forty *cough*andfifty*cough* chicks who never really meant to fall in love with Twilight... but somehow we did. Hard. Inexplicably, we've still got a lot to say about it. And other stuff. Join us!
The ultimate online cock-block...
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