Twitarded Likes Twigasm

It's fan fiction time...

[Note to people I am related to and those that might find material about sex offensive - neither of you should be on this blog in the first place so...SHOO! And if you're slow on the uptake and the 'gasm' in the title didn't tip you off, this post is about smut.]


Porn. Smut. Naughty stories. Jerk-off material. Whatever you call 'em, I fucking love 'em.

That's right, I said it. I. Love. Smut. And I'm not talking those romance stories where Fabio thrusts his 'sword of love' into the heroine's quivering mound. Fuck that shit. I'm talking clits and cocks, pussies and cunts. None of that namby-pamby 'love cave' shit.

I'm not sure how old I was the first time I got my hands on a dirty story but I knew the second I started reading that I was on to something, mainly because my vagina told me so and trust me, when she likes something, I don't stop doing it.

Anais Nin, Henry Miller, The Pearl, The Story of O, I devoured it all and then some. Needless to say, I was all, what the fuck are you kidding me?! That's it?! a tad disappointed that the raciest thing in Twilight was a mother fucking leg hitch and some chewed up pillows.

If you haven't read her work, you neeeeeeed to. Your clitoris will thank you.

Until I discovered fan fiction.

I find it somewhat humorous that a series dedicated to abstinence before marriage has sparked such a... plethora of sexily slutty fan fiction. I'm a total whore when it comes to this particular genre and have been gobbling up every recommendation I've received. In return, we try to pass the hard cocks and hot sex scenes around to you folks.

There is so much hotness out there in fanfic world - Darkward, Tattward, Mafiaward, Beautiful Bastard and... you get the idea. I could go on and on about the uber smexiness of the various fan fiction Edwards that are just itching to get into Bella's pants. Meow, kitty. I mean, there is so much clit licking, cock sucking, pumping, thrusting and power plays going on out there in fan fiction land I almost had an orgasm just thinking about it.

Twilight fan fiction and the O face. Perfect together.

Now, we've talked about sex, toys and fan fiction here, here and here. Oh, and I also managed to get the shit scared out of me in an adult store once, not to mention the Vampsicle and the resulting embarrassing Mommy (not a)Jerkface vs. the Sparkle Peen. Shit, I even have my own fan fiction, even though it pales in comparison to a lot that is out there.

What I have not talked about is my new discovery. As usual, I'm sure the rest of you have already been listening to these ladies since their inception but I am always woefully behind the times. Maybe I should spend more time trolling the internet and less time masturbating or something. I kid, I kid! Ahem. Sort of.

I am speaking of the glorious, sluttiest and funniest bitches I've ever listened to. These ladies are SO funny I can't even listen to them when I'm out and about; otherwise, I'd look like a total fucking fruit loop guffawing and snorting over their podcast. Even ML chuckles but mostly I think he's horrified. I'm always amazed that men somehow think all women are delicate little flowers. I'd venture to guess we are far more pervy than men.


Anyway. Twigasm.

Holy fucking fuck are these ladies ridiculously clever and they also pen some of the greatest fan fiction I've ever read. The first time I read The Office I was, um, in the office and was literally writhing around, practically dry fucking my chair. As usual, I didn't think shit through before I dove into it. Nevertheless, it was worth it.

Anyhoo. You must check these ladies out (See? There was a point to this post!). They have a podcast thingy! And if I knew how the hell to link that I would. But I don't because I suck. But they don't! Well, I suspect they do suck but not in the bad way... You get the idea.

Side note - ML just walked by, looked at the half naked chicky pics and gave me a raised eyebrow. I'm outta here... Hopefully we can re-enact some scenes from The Office...

New Scans From UK Heat Magazine [Yup! Trashy Gossip! GASP!]

So we know that we don't usually do gossipy stuff (unless it's REALLY noteworthy, like Robsten sucking face - possibly - at a concert or something equally irresistible...] but we DO love it when people send us stuff... This week has been a complete and utter clusterfuck anyway - so let's just DO IT! Thanks to Stan from Under My Edbrella for the scans! Don't worry we're not going to make a habit of covering the tabs! Lemme know what you all think in the comments. Oh, and we all saw the pic with the mysterious white substance all over Rob's pants a week or so ago - I think it was determined to be... CUPCAKE! Aaaaaand not a big pile of blow gone wrong... [yeah yeah I know that nobody wanted to SAY that at the time but I know you were all thinking it! Confectioners sugar, coke - whatevs...]

CupcakeGate - solved!! Pic from Socialite Life via ROBsessed

I'm going to hell anyway... Might as well break all the rules!

clicky on pics to enlarge & read!

Robward Says "Chillax, Twitards..."

You work too hard... You should relax... C'mere and let me do that thing you like...

It makes me all angsty when you are all stressed out...

Relax... Really... It'll all be ok... Trust me...

Images above nicked from itsjustme513/robmusement in some way shape or form - go check her out/follow her on Twitter and her blog if you haven't already! She serves up the Robness on a silver platter every day...

It's been a rough coupla' days... We're tired of griping about our woes. And you've all been good sports to listen to us... We miss RPatts and things having to do with Twilight that aren't related to copyright law, too--it's enough already with all that nonsense!

Gettin' back to what we love - what we should have been doing all weekend if we hadn't been sidetracked (nobody missed our usual weekend smattering of videos and random RPatts pics more than me and Jenny Jerkface!).

It's make-up time! Happy Tuesday! Enjoy the rest of the week as much as you can & it'll be Friday soon enough... I love thisvid and I love the ending more than anything... Oh you big tool, you... I think you can also hear him mumble "Happy Birthday, Snarkier Than You! I'll give you your present later!" at the every end if you listen carefully, but maybe I'm just hearing things... But no worries, because Alice is throwing me alil' party tonight and it's all gonna be aaaaalllll riiiight ... Either that or I'm gonna go out to dinner and see "Where the Wild Things Are" but it seems blasphemous to talk about other non-Twi movies right now so just pretend I didn't say that, m'kay?





P.S. Jenny Jerkface, Latchkey Wife, Texas Katherine & I have a LOT to say about those newer "porny Rob on the furry carpet" pics! I'll try to post some outtakes from our pre-cease-and-desist/legal-woes epic drinky-fueled email convo on this later. Not sure how much is suitable for the Twidom since I think every two out of three words is a REALLY bad cuss of some sort, but lemme see what I can do...

Twitarded Vs. Zazzle & Summit = Epic WIN!!!

Wow. We won!

We worked our little butts off in the last 48 hours trying to resolve this whole issue with Zazzle and Summit Entertainment removing our Twitarded merchandise. You already know that, because you were all right there with us, cheering us on, offering us advice, consolation, and friendly totally-unofficial-and-off-the-record legal advice. There are quite a few lawyers lurking around here at Twitarded apparently, and some Twitards are married to lawyers. People were coerced; sexual favors were alternately promised or threatened to be withheld. But you all came through for us in one way or another! Summit was this close to being ding-dong-ditched with flaming bags of poop left on their door steps... (You would have gone there for us, too - we can tell those weren't just idle words.)

And it ALL PAID OFF!!!

We were going to go nuts and start cc-ing every Summit executive we could track down, but we wanted to give a simple response to Zazzle a token try before we went further. And it worked!!!

This afternoon, I got the following response to the multiple-lawyer-reviewed & approved email/letter that we (Mr. Snarky, JJ & I) sent off to Zazzle:

Dear Zazzler,

Thank you for your email.

It appears your product was removed in error. Please feel free to re-submit your design. We apologize for any inconvenience.

Best Regards,
Content Management Team
Zazzle.com, Inc.

Here is MY loose translation of this letter:

Dear Zazzler,

Yes, you were caught up in a Summit-Entertainment-induced sweep of people selling vaguely Twilight-related merchandise. Because you didn't say "D'oh! You caught me!" and crawl away into the night with your tail between your legs and instead wrote back to us, we reviewed the complaint against you and found it to be baseless. Our bad! We can't be bothered to reinstate your items ourselves, but have fun with that - you have our blessings.

Our bad!

The Zazzle Team

I'll take it! WOOOOO!!!! Score one for the underdog! And I cannot TELL you how happy we are that we don't have to decide how much money we have to spend defending ourselves, or how much time we can take off of work to handle it, or any of that crap... We're just thrilled that we were able to get this whole thing behind us! Yes, we're still getting the copyright on the design registered (and possibly trademarked), but it appear that at least for the time being, we are out of Summit's sites; the eye of Sauron is elsewhere. But if they still want to make good on those tickets to the 11/16 LA New Moon premiere, we'll take them! We'll even fly coach...

Now that it's over, JJ and I are ready to celebrate by popping a cork off a bottle of wine (or two) and watching Twilight. OK, I am watching Twilight right NOW. I needed it... We are still kinda sore at Summit, after all. We promise to bring the ass-hattery and all things Twilight tomorrow. Or late tonight. One of those...

Stay tuned & thanks again for sticking with us through this--you are not just our fair-weather friends, clearly--and we love you guys for that! {{{sniffle-sniffle}}}

P.S. Huge thanks to Mrs. Vanquish for creating our new copyright-friendly header in three seconds flat! We [heart] you, Mrs. V!

Dear Summit: Does This Mean You're Breaking Up With Me?

What? Did you REALLY think I was going to be mature about this?

I am currently sitting at Snarkier Than You's house frowning at my computer as we try to hash out just what the fuck is going on with this Summit clusterfuck.

STY put it best - this is Sunday, a day normally reserved for drooling over RPattz videos. It is a day spent languishing in the arms of the Precious any which way we can.

Instead, I've been trying to come up with a letter to send to Zazzle and Summit Entertainment without using the phrase "I hope you fucking suck a dirty dick over this." It's much more difficult than I anticipated, which is why I was quite relieved when Mr. Snarky offered to do the letter himself. I suspect STY was as well.

We tried to come up with a post of our usual caliber - you know, a little jawporn here, some douchebaggery there, interspersed with various references to vaginas and twatwaffles.

But we've got copyright law on the brain. Ain't nothing sexy about that...

When I got the call from Snarkier Than You last night informing me that Summit Entertainment had requested that Zazzle remove some of our merchandise, I was absolutely furious. Seethingly enraged, if you will. This is why STY wrote last night's post and not me, because if I had written it, it would been riddled with expletives and some very 'Creative Cursing' inspired insults directed toward Summit.

Once I had two shots of whiskey finally calmed down and stopped screaming, I thought about the situation. I tried every which way to understand how the image for our logo was an infringement on their intellectual property. To be fair, we do not yet know exactly what the issue was. Perhaps it was the logo, or maybe it was the name Twitarded. Or maybe they read the blog and were fucking horrified.

Regardless, I'm completely baffled as to why they took down our merchandise.

I will admit that, clearly, I am not an attorney and know only the basics of copyright law. However, I feel confident that we did not do anything to warrant the great eye of Sauron Summit to turn in our direction.

As STY has already stated, our logo image belongs to Mr. Snarky. As for the name Twitarded, well, look it up in the Urban Dictionary. If there is anyone who could possibly call afoul it would be the person who coined the phrase 'Twitarded' [hats off to you, kind sir!]. Regardless, it does not belong to Summit.

Naturally, my second thought after "fuuuuuuuuuuuck yoooooooooou" is "if they can yank our merchandise, can they yank our blog?"

The answer to that is yes. Without a doubt, if Summit so desired, I'm sure they could. As we've recently been made aware, the person with deeper pockets generally wins in a situation like this. But the real question is "should they have a right to?"

Fuck. No.

You see, Twitarded isn't really about Twilight at all. It's about our lives, all of ours, and how that particular saga has affected us. This blog is dedicated to the utter silliness of women in a certain age demographic, women who carry around an action figure and out themselves in mortifying ways as Twilight lovers. We are a community who has found each other because of something we all shared.

And that was OUR logo, dammit. It's our fucking version of a gang sign and I don't think anyone had a right to claim it as an infringement of their intellectual property.

Look. This isn't about the merchandise. The only reason we even started the merch was because people were asking for it. If there is one thing Twitarded is NOT about, it's money. Unlike Summit, we are certainly not greedy [well, for fan fiction, yes. Money, no]. Snarkier Than You and I each probably spend 20-30 hours a week (we are afraid to know the real number) working on this blog and it's related accounts, because we love it, and we love our community. Plus, we're SO relieved to know that there are a whole lot of other crazy twats out there.

We understand that our blog is based on the Twilight saga. We get that. STY and I try our very hardest not to step on anyone's toes, copyright-wise [everything else is free game, as far as we're concerned], and if we had somehow infringed upon Summit's intellectual property rights, we would apologize and bend over so they could spank us. And not in the fun sexy-time way, either.

But all of the experiences and stories we've shared these past ten months DON'T belong to Summit. They belong to us and our readers. They belong to Twitarded.

And Summit, you can't take our logo. At least, not without a fight.

P.S. - Hey, Summit! Just to let you know that instead of spending the past two days posting about your films and extolling the virtues of all things Twilight, we've instead been sitting here trying to figure out how to defend ourselves from your bullying. Kinda ironic, huh?

P.P.S - To everyone who has rallied around us and offered us their services (tee hee!) and advice we thank you so, so, so much. You guys are the best.

Summit Entertainment Comes After...Twitarded!?

I've had my issues with Summit Entertainment over the last year... I wasn't around to criticize any of the initial decisions they made about Twilight back when they first obtained the movie rights, but even since then, their track record had been a little dodgy in my book. First, there was the decision to remove Catherine Hardwick from the director's chair after Twilight wrapped. At the time, I was ticked. In hindsight, I think they made the right choice even though given the opportunity, I'd rather throw back a few cocktails with her than either Chris Weitz or David Slade. Next, there was the matter of replacing Rachelle Lafevre with Bryce Dallas Howard. The jury is still out on this one; I don't think I will ever NOT think that it was a total dick move and I thought Rachelle made a great Victoria, but we'll see what Bryce brings to the role [fingers crossed].

Tonight, though, something happened that put Summit forever on my shit list. I checked in to the Twitarded gmail addy because it's the one where notification of purchases of Twitarded gear go as well as occasional reader emails, and I was surprised to see a dozen or so emails from Zazzle titled "Content Review." At first I thought someone had taken the time to write reviews of some of our items... Cool! But when I opened one, I was shocked to find THIS message instead:

Dear Twitarded,

Thank you for your interest in Zazzle.com, and thank you for publishing products on Zazzle.

Unfortunately, it appears that your product, Twitarded Just Heads Keychain, contains content that is not suitable for printing at Zazzle.com.

We will be removing this product from the Zazzle Marketplace shortly.

The details of the product being removed are listed below:

• Product Title: Twitarded Just Heads Keychain
• Product Type: Key Chain
• Product ID: 146119197946031102

• Result: Not Approved
• Policy Violations:

o Design contains an image or text that infringes on Summit Entertainment's intellectual property rights. We have been contacted by Summit Entertainment with regards to your design, and at their request your product has been removed from Zazzle's Marketplace. For any further questions please feel free to email us below or contact Summit Entertainment at: www.summit-ent.com

We apologize for the inconvenience, a detailed description of the policies are located here.

If you have any questions or concerns about the review of your product, please email content_review@zazzle.com

Best Regards,
Content Review Team
Zazzle.com, Inc.

That's right: Zazzle is deleting our Twitarded merchandise at the request of Summit Entertainment. The fuck?!

Some of you probably already know that Mr. Snarky created the design we use as out logo. Some of the products already removed were ONLY this design - no words, nothing else. A doodle with two cartoon-y vampire chicks. Period. Unless I missed the check from Summit and they purchased said design without our knowledge somehow, I defy Summit to tell me how Mr. Snarky's original design infringes on their intellectual property rights. Bring it, scrotum lips! [Creative Cursing book, I love you.]

Hey Summit - this was the first item you had Zazzle remove. I keep MY original artwork for this logo in a special spot on my dresser. Where do you keep yours??? I am DYING to know!!!

In the meantime, if anyone intends on buying Twitarded gear to wear/bring to the New Moon premiere, I'd suggest you do it before the end of the weekend. I love the idea of people out there sipping (and spewing) their beverages from Twitarded mugs, and sporting Twitarded t-shirts, jerseys, aprons, doggie tees - all that good stuff! We're not making tons of money from this - we get just the minimum % that Zazzle requires as a default - and at this point we have spent more buying our own shirts and assorted goodies than we've earned. So I'm not saying "Go buy stuff NOW!" out of greed. I just think it's a total bummer that some of the cool designs that Latchkey Wife worked up with us (ok she did pretty much ALL the heavy lifting here!) are either already trashed or headed for that big rubbish bin in the sky where deleted content goes to die (they started deleting items on Thursday of last week, continued on Friday, and I can only imagine that on Monday they'll pick up where they left off until there's nothing left).

You know what, Summit??? YOU'RE infringing on OUR intellectual property rights!!! You are interfering with our rightful - and lawful - ability to offer OUR drawing and logo for sale! And we want an apology! Why go after us??? I am baffled... And here I thought we were friends... I'm practically working for you on a volunteer basis, for cryin' out loud! If you want to make it up to us, it's not too late to bring us to the New Moon premiere in Los Angeles on November 16th. Oh and if you could arrange a little meet-and-greet with "a certain someone" [wink-wink], that would be AWESOME! We hear he gets a little nervous before events like this, and we just want to do our part to prevent a panic attack. JJ and I have been told we have a presence that is more calming than Jaspers! Oh and we want to fly first class, ok? Because you hurt our feelings. Bad.

It's outrageous, egregious, preposterous!
(AND you ruined my Saturday night!)
Jackie Chiles, Twitarded needs you!!! Or someone like you...

Deleted Scenes From Twilight: New Moon [tee-hee!]

So Jenny Jerkface is probably still sleeping off last night's epic drunken movie-watching-and-email-o-rama during which she was forced to watch "Drag Me To Hell" and was then left on the dark, mean streets of Central Jersey to find her own way back across town to her house. MWAHAHAA!! Yes, I am that evil! I am pretty sure she and her liver are still alive, although I can't really be sure since her phone is going straight to voicemail. Oops. Feel better (and wake up soon) JJ!

Anyhoo, I was doing my usual aimless meandering through the Blogdom and ended up at YouTube, where I found a funny video suggested just for me!!!! Er, no, it's not going to quench your Edward-smelling-Bella-level of fiery thirst for New Moon to be HERE NOW ALREADY!!! WHY CAN'T IT BE HERE NOW?!?!?! but it will help you kill a few of the interminable seconds that need to elapse before it is FINALLY November 19th...

Back to the "New Moon" deleted scenes - this video cracked me up! There are a few others - you can find them HERE on YouTube. Happy Saturday!

Note: this vid is NOT porno! This once screen cap/image is waaaay more suggestive than anything that goes in in this vid - lol!