Jenny Jerkface Gets Dominated... by Fan Fiction

[{{{Sigh}}} - Dear potential lurking family members. Leave. Now. Seriously. Thanks!]

Today, my lovely friends, I was dominated. Oh yes, it was quite uncomfortable and embarrassing at some moments and quite exhilarating and exciting at others. I squirmed, flushed, sighed and was very, very turned on.

Unfortunately, I was at the fucking office.

My day has been completely pwned by Master of the Universe. This is my punishment for trying to avoid spoilers - pure, utter distraction at the workplace.

And I don't mean this guy...

Maaaaaaaster of the Uniiiiiiiiii - wait, why the fuck am I wearing a loin cloth? How the fuck can I beat Skeletor in furry boots? This is bullshit.

Or this guy...

OMG, my clitoris just screamed in horror and died.

I mean this guy...well, some variation of this guy, anyway.

Or whatever kind of fantasy dude gets your rocks off...

It's all Kerri's fault. She left a lovely little comment on this post about MotU (see how lazy I am?) and I got all excited because... I had totally forgotten about that one. I mean, I started it and put it on my list, where it was promptly buried under the mountain of Twismut I've been amassing. So, thanks Kerri! And ML will thank you, too but he doesn't know that yet.

Every moment I was not working or at my desk, I had my nose buried in my blackberry. Frankly, I think this makes me look very professional and attentive. Especially when I walked into a packed elevator full of stuffy suit-types. Still reading porn. For five floors, I giggled quietly to myself as Domward gave Bella a good, hard spanking. That's right, Mr. I-think-this-pitch-is-going-to-have-them-eating-out-of-my-palm. While you were showing off your proverbial cock to your coworker, I was reading porn. Take that, my clit is bigger than your dick.

Search for porn? Yes, please. Oh, fuck, that says photos... Search of RPattz photos? Yes, please!

Yup. Domward got me good today.

He also got me thinking and I realized something. Two things, actually.

1) There is probably something seriously wrong with me for reading smut on my blackberry in an elevator full of people. This is not the first time I've done something like this, either. A few months ago I was out in Colorado with ML and his band (and holy fuck I hope they never, ever read this EVER) and I was reading smut on my blackberry. In the van. The band van. ML kept looking over at me with this strange expression. When we finally get out of the van, he pulls me aside.
"What were you reading?" he asks.
"Fanfiction." Duh.
"You were reading Twilight porn in the van?"
"ummm, yeah."
He gives me a weird look. "You were reading porn in a van with seven guys."
"Yeeeeah." I don't see the problem with this, but apparently there was one. See, something is wrong with me!
"I could tell it was porn," he tells me.
"Why?"
"You kept biting your lip and sighing."

Busted.

2) I don't picture Robert Pattinson when I'm reading Twi-smut. Hell, I don't even really picture Edward Cullen.

Zoomage, Latchkey Wife, Team 6 Pack, KintheFlo and STY had an email chat about this a little while ago, actually. We were bantering back and forth about the various stories we were reading and someone mentioned that they couldn't really see RPattz as Edward in Clipped Wings & Inked Armor.

This statement prompted both STY and I to pause and ask - do people really see Robert Pattinson or, for that matter, Kristen Stewart when they read fan fic?

This question has been tossed around between quite a few people lately, both on Skype and via email (you know who you are!) and now I'm flat-out curious:

Do you picture Robsten when you read naughty Twifiction?

I don't. It's true. For all my smexy talk about RPattz, I don't really ever picture him when I'm reading the smut [note from STY: me neither. In fact I don't picture a specific person--real or imaginary--at all. It's more...vague. Maybe my imagination is lazy, too?]. Well, with the exception of The Office, maybe. In fact, I don't even like reading the smut that is based on Robert Pattinson and not Edward Cullen.

Ummm, nooooo. I mean, you're hot. You're really, really hot. But I would squash you. Sorry. Wanna make out, anyway? (Image jacked from here)

Huh.

So, dear fan fic readers, what are your thoughts? Who do you imagine when you're reading Twilight-related smut? Twitarded minds want to know.

Oh and P.S. - I'll let you all in on a little secret. There is a writer on Twitarded who is very, very behind in her fan fic reading. I'll give you a hint: her name starts with "S" and ends with narkierthanyou...

Turns Out We're Not That Jerky OR Snarky--Who Knew?!

Soooo... Here's the scoop! I got an email today at my work email from JennyJerkface saying "Go check STY email!!! Go!!! DO IT NOW!!!!" Never knowing what to expect from something like this - could be ANYTHING--Zazzle is after us again! The blog is GONE!! Someone has finally reported us to the blogger po-po and the REAL po-po simultaneously and they're comin' to get us! And then we run off like Thelma and Louise and hope that when we run into the sexy thieving young cowboy that he has British accent and maybe sparkles in the sunlight (sorry Brad Pitt, you are dead to me now - who knew I was such a fucking cougar?). Anyhoo, what I actually DID find was an email sent to both JJ and I from a producer at a nightly entertainment television show, asking if they could "borrow" the Pattinson panties for their upcoming interview with Robert Pattinson. They want to "present them to him"... uh... And then we'd get them back. After he'd maybe touched them...

Thus began a frantic lightning-speed email exchange that lasted waaaay longer than JJ or I had time for... Every third email was something along the lines of "DUDE I REALLY can't deal with this right now!" or "I have a meeting with my boss in 10 minutes and I HAVE to get some actual work done today!!!" And then we kept going on about the undie situation. And how sweaty we were. And how maybe JJ had to poop because of the situation. Because you know how she gets... And what the fuck should we DO?!

We did what any insane twifan rational person would do in similar circumstances: we took it to Twitter and begged for advice. Again, if you follow us on Twitter, you probably already know we started a poll - see it up there at the top left of the blog? [Note: We've since taken the poll down - thanks for voting!] Because we were really, honestly, genuinely torn on this... We'd already turned down some folks who wanted to run a magazine story (and note to HEAT UK - thanks for asking! good looking out, Stan - we appreciate the heads-up!). After we got home and got through to Red Bella and talked about it--and had a chance to really think about how it would likely go down--we all came to the same conclusion: we didn't want to do it.

Going for the shock factor of "Hey! How do you feel about the fact that your insane, nutball fans are putting your lips on the crotch of their underwear?!? Huh? Huh?! Look at them! LOOK AT THEMMMMMM!!!!" made us a little uncomfy. OK, it made us a lot uncomfy. And maybe the show we got the offer from would have been more tactful than this, but let's face it - the intention would be to catch RPatts off guard and get a reaction shot. And I don't want to be the person contributing to that awkward moment, and neither does JJ, and neither does Red Bella. We got back to them, and they graciously accepted our declining their request.

Sorry if this post is a bit of a downer... I've said it before and I'll say it again that I am SHOCKED about the amount of attention and press this has been receiving... I'd be lying if I said I don't like the traffic that's been driven here - and the fact that for every hundred or thousand people who click over here for a second and click away never to be heard from again, we get that one person who stays for a little bit and reads a few posts and says "Hot DAMN I've found my people!! WOOO!!!" [welcome, by the way, to the newcomers who stumbled across us and liked what they read] - and when I've went and read the comments - most some variation of "GROSS!!!" - on the sites that picked up the images and reposted them but then almost always saw someone defending us and explaining it was a lark that went viral - all of that makes me happy.

So no, we won't be lurking in the wings of some tv show this weekend, hoping that RPatts would still be willing to autograph our tits after being scarred by the "underpanttz" - and I think we'll all be better off for it. Although if I run into him on the streets of NYC on the 19th or 20th, I DO always have a Sharpie on me... [ok, maybe I am a little bit snarky even in the aftermath of pantygate - no boob-ographs are in my future--swear on a stack of underpants.]

[JJ chimes in...]

So, we're sorry to everyone who wanted us to present RPattz with the pantz. It ain't gonna happen. Well, it may anyway, whether we want it to or not, but... we don't want. This isn't because of all the nay-sayers or anything like that. It's because we want to be remembered for being us, and being part of this great Twitarded community, and not because we have THE underpantz. We've done and said a lot of crazy shit on this blog since it's inception and we're not sorry for one word of it. Not one little iota. Hell, we're not even really sorry about the panties but... we don't want to go out like that. We just want our Twitarded little lives back. You know, the ones that talk about taking a dump in someone's trailer, or accidentally (and mortifyingly) outing ourselves as the ridiculous fucking fan-broads we are.

And we are SO fucking tired of the word 'panties'.

OME, OME!!! It's almost time for NEW MOON!!!

So, earlier today I'm in the bathroom at work, critically analyzing my appearance because apparently my "second opinion" mirror is just as much of a lying bastard as my "skinny" mirror is when it suddenly occurred to me that today is November 3rd, which means that New Moon is almost here.

This is like the mirrors I have at home... but the exact opposite. I look great when I leave in the morning and a fucking freakshow by the time I look at my outfit when I get to work. I hate them. And yes, I really DO think that song is about me.

And I squealed. I fucking gave a total fan-girl squeak standing in the middle of the bathroom. At work. Alone.

After I kick you in the nuts, that is...

All the anger I felt toward my sack-of-shit-lying mirrors vanished in a poof! of excitement. No longer did I care that my skirt totally wasn't hiding my beer gut or the fact that my sweater has a hole in it. I just stood there, blissfully un-vain for once in my life, with a big ass goofy grin on my face because oh-mah-gahd, we are now in the same MONTH as the PREMIERE OF NEW MOON!!!!!

I may have flailed my arms a little and jumped up and down, too.

I am SO Twitarded.

Sixteen days. Remember the anticipation you felt the first time you saw Twilight and it's the whole pivotal "how old are you?" scene and he says "seventeen" and Bella asks "how long have been seventeen?" and Edward's totally breathing heavily into the back of her neck when he says "awhile." and then he runs up the mountain and lame-sparkles like a fucking idiot?

Alucard used to be my favorite vampire. Needless to say, he's been replaced.

That's how I feel right now. I would sparkle if I could but my skin tends to be more dry and flaky rather than sparkly. Although I DID make myself sparkle on Halloween and I still have the glitter all over my bathroom to prove it! Why can't glitter be cleaned??? I've tried and it still looks like a stripper exploded in there...

Anyway. I feel like it's going to be awhile before New Moon gets here but I can't, can't, can't wait. And then it's going to come and I'm going to turn into Jenny Shitshow-Jerkface because I'm going to be SO excited and probably alcohol will be involved and if anyone, ANY.ONE. says one damn thing about those fucking panties on that day I will whip them out proudly and put them on my head. Because New Moon is going to be THAT kind of party.

[No fucking way am I putting THOSE up here again.]

I know, I know, I'm obsessing. Well, duh. First of all, I'm trying to avoid all the spoilers so there isn't enough websurfing to satisfy my ADD these days. Not only that but, despite my best efforts, I was still totally blindsided by my new favorite addiction, the Twigasm podcast, this weekend. I was sitting there, listening and snorting and guffawing and then they started talking about the kissing scene and I knew they were going to play the audio and they did. But because I'm a total fucking spaz and can't behave like a normal human being, instead of muting it for a few seconds or skipping over it, I stuck my fingers in my ears and shrieked, "NOOOOOO!!! I DON'T WANNA HEAR EDWARD MOANING!!! GAHH!!!!" and ML walked by and gave me the crazy stare and kept on walking. He loves me.

Oh, and the whole sticking-fingers-in-ears-and-yelling-like-a-crazy-person worked. I didn't hear it. Just in case you were curious.

Sixteen days, Twitards. Sixteen days.

Caaaaaaaaaaan't fucking wait!!!!!

Now, where the hell did ML hide the rest of that Halloween candy?! I need more sugar...

New Moon Full-Size Edward's The Life Of The Party!

So as you may have been aware, Jenny Jerkface and I went to a Halloween party Saturday night, and lacking a costume but rich in assorted Twilight merchandise and gear, I realized I pretty much HAD a ready-made costume at my disposal. Sure, nobody would get it but me, Mr. Snarky, JJ, and a few of my friends who follow the blog, but whatever - it made me happy! And can I mention for the umpteenth time what a good sport Mr. Snarky is for encouraging me to dress up as Bella and letting me take a piece of cardboard as my "plus 1" instead of him???

I had no idea that most of my friends would even know who Edward Cullen was, much less that they would spend the evening vying for his attention! He was an A-lister celeb the entire night and was gracious enough to pose with anyone willing to promise him a Heineken...

I realized the next day that I spent practically the entire evening guarding him in the kitchen, but I feel very...protective of him and every time I stepped away for a moment, I came back to find him in a variety of compromising positions. People couldn't keep their hands off him!

Wish you had all been there with us!! Maybe next year...

Jenny Jerkface & the gang greet New Moon FSE!!

We got a warm welcome! Aaaand JJ likes to give me devil horns...always.

She's MUCH less evil when she's in the shot!!! Er, sort of...

Although I'm a two-timing bitch...

No offense to FSE, but JJ's a better kisser...

Chillin' with JJ & Punky Brewster

Our hostess, Lady Gaga, was awesome! I followed her around all night, popping her bubble-wrap dress.

Our host was fantastic, too! I am sure he only had his phaser set on to "Dazzle"...

...aaand maybe he tried to take a little nibble...

Everyone wanted in on the leg-hitch action!

What can he do? He's too damn sexy for his own good!

Girls want him, boys want to be him! oh and boys want him, too...

FSE bonding with Mr. Snarky & friends!

They really hit it off!

...things maybe got a little too comfy...

Banana? Mistletoe stand-in? Er, I have no idea, either...but I know a nipple-pinching Punky Brewster when I see one!

Mr. Snarky = best non- sparkly-vampire dude EVER.

Perfection In A Video!

I LOVE this video! You may have already seen it at ROBsessed - thanks to Gozde, and thanks to Just_Christy for getting the word out! Yum. I even watched it twice to make sure there were no spoiler shots. And then I watched it again, just to be safe... You know, you can't be too careful... Uh, maybe I should just go watch it one more time just to be certain... and then after I clean up myself and all the drool puddles, I will watch it a couple more times... sigh... 17 MORE DAYS - WOOOO!!!

Stay tuned - we'll be posting something else a little later tonight! In the meantime, feast your eyes on this one minute and fifty second long slice of heaven...

Mini-Edward & KStew Weigh In On Pantygate

Red Bella was busy over the weekend! I think this picture speaks for itself... What's in the lining, you want to know? We'll leave that up to your imagination this time.

(Wait - is Kristen Stewart flipping off the haters?! Thanks, KStew! We love you, too! Er, or something like that...)

Happy Monday - hope this gave you a good chuckle to start off your week - I know I nearly choked when I saw this yesterday. Things got a little messy, but it was totally worth it!

New Robert Pattinson Vanity Fair Pics/Video *thud* *dies*

I was going to wait until later to post this but I can't bear for anyone to NOT see these pictures right this second!! Plus I am an instant gratification kinda gal - especially when it comes to RPatts!

The pics are the same in both videos - you can choose from #1, which has sweet, slower music, or #2, which has peppy, foot-tappy music. Oh hell who am I kidding - we all know we're going to watch them both - over and over and over again...

And can I say how happy I am that there are NEW pictures out there?! And that I didn't have to go trolling around on YouTube to find them and watch a bunch of spoilers in the process?! YAY!!! Happy dance!!!

Enjoy [it is just WRONG how utterly delish this man is - and you just know he's just gonna keep getting hotter as he gets older...]

Here are all the pics (except the cover shot but I figure you've all seen that) - some are HQ if you click on them, so click away! Thanks to Latchkey Wife for the heads-up on the pics and for Breaking-Dawn.fr for posting! He is going to make me start smoking again, I swear... And I want a Corona now and I don't even drink beer...

Hope you all are having an awesome weekend and enjoyed Halloween!