Dear Vampire Diaries: You Win. Dammit!!!!

As a general rule, I never get into television series about high school kids. Hell, even when I was in high school I didn't watch shows about high school kids. High school kids are obnoxious, myself included. No Saved by the Bell, or those douches in Beverly Hills. With the exception of a brief stint of My So Called Life (which was really good, or at least the whopping four episodes I saw were), I rarely watched any series at all but especially not a series about a bunch of good looking little seventeen year old fuckwads who slept with each other, had problems at home and drove an expensive Mercedes and/or a kitschy hunk of junk beaters.

I was too busy writing shitty angsty poetry and smoking pot.

I can tell you this with full certainty - if Twilight had been a television series, there would have been ZERO chance of me ever watching it. Books, yes. Television show, fuck no.

I blame Twilight for what happened to me the other day. It's like the gateway drug and I'm now thoroughly convinced it has completely rotted my brain.

Two days ago I was avoiding the gigantic pile of laundry in my TV room and searching aimlessly on Netflix for something to watch when I noticed that The Vampire Diaries was now streaming instantly.

The show isn't as well known by its other title - Dawson's Creek Vampires...

I read your tweets, people. I know a lot of you love this series like a fat kid loves cake but I never, ever had a burning desire to even check it out. I got my teenage vampire fix with Twilight and I was all good. I was all done. Finito. Game over.

Naturally, I began to watch the series. For those of you who don't know the whole premise (er, including me, probably) here it is - Edward Stefan Salvatore returns to his home town of Forks Mystic Falls because of some chick. There's an evil brother floating around in there as well.

 What's happening, hot stuffs.

There are only a few things that make this NOT like Twilight:

1) Evil brother.
2) The heroine, Elena Gilbert, actually has a personality that is fiery, as opposed to... well, as dull as cardboard.
3) There is sex, yo.
4) The vampires don't sparkle.
5) The acting is actually good.

I spent the first few episodes rolling my eyes and groaning and sending out mocking tweets about VD (it does not escape my notice that the initials of the show are the same as "venereal disease". I'm pretty sure that means something). A few of you encouraged me to continue watching, which I did.

And right around episode four or so, something happened. It snuck up on me all quiet-like.

I actually started to kind of like it.

It wasn't just because the two vampire dudes are pretty fucking hot (though that had a HUGE part to play in it) or that I found our main leading lady actually highly interesting.

 Apparently Edward Cullen shares his wardrobe with Stefan Salvatore...

The show was actually... good. The premise is pretty cool (albeit slightly cheesy), the plot twists are awesome, the characters are fleshed out and there is an even mix of reality vs. supernatural.

Don't get me wrong, that doesn't mean I actually like-like it. Let's put it this way - I'm not going to sit around watching the episodes over and over again like I do the Twilight movies but I like it enough to really want to watch it at least once.

I still think it's a stupid show about beautiful teenagers who sleep with each other and create all sorts of drama but look young and perky while they do it. I'm also highly appalled at the overt under-age drinking that goes on in Mystic Falls, which I find more unbelievable than the whole vampire thing. Why don't these kids have to hide their booze in soda bottles like the rest of us did? Instead, they're all getting wasted with their parents at fancy Founders Party or something. I mean seriously, these kids seem to be drinking fancy wine, instead of Zima with a Jolly Rancher dropped into it (as if it was sickeningly sweet enough).

The Four Loko of the nineties

Regardless, I am now hooked. Hooked enough that I can barely finish this post because I want to run upstairs and watch it.

You win, Vampires Diaries. You win.

My Hate Affair With 3D Movies

I was perusing The Oatmeal this morning and as usual I was spewing coffee all over my computer because this shit makes me laugh my ass off. Every. Damn. Time. Sometimes I think this guy has probed the darkest recesses of my brain. One of the newer posts called "Why 3D movies need to die" had me chuckling up a storm because, well, I fucking hate 3D movies with the burning passion of a thousand suns.

This is me, but with a lot more hatred. [Photo from The Oatmeal]

Why, you ask? What could possibly be my reason for hating such a exhilarating new technology (well, not so new, but definitely a long way from the days of Jaws 3D!)?

First let's discuss my propensity for motion sickness. I can get sea sick on a water bed. I've nearly had to use that tiny little barfbag on an airplane several times. Any curvy, hilly car ride makes me pray for immediate death. And if I happen to end up in a seat that faces backwards in a limo or a train, my complexion will immediately turn a nice Shrekish shade of green. Me and motion don't see eye to eye. 

I've seen exactly ONE 3D movie in my life. Alice in Wonderland. I'm not sure why I felt the need to see it in this format. Maybe I was hoping at some point during the film, through the magic of modern technology, Johnny Depp would appear to be sitting in my lap. Sadly, that didn't happen.

Did I really want this in my lap? Maybe if I was interested in shitting my pants from fear.

What did happen was I spent nearly the entire movie futzing with the fucking 3D glasses which, although they are quite large, do NOT fit nicely over your regular glasses. It took me almost half the movie to stop feeling like I was going to hurl on the head of the person in front of me. At about that halfway point, those special glasses started to press into my head just behind my ears giving me a splitting headache. And then I just got sleepy and ended up taking a cat nap sometime during the last half hour of the movie. I'm not sure if that was because the incessant battles with my stomach and the glasses had worn me out, or if the movie was just boring. For some reason, I can't bring myself to watch it again to find out.

I am sure of this -- I will NEVER go to another 3D movie again in my life. I don't care if it promises that Robert Pattinson would walk off the screen, slowly rid me of my pants, and perform the most mind-blowing oral sex of my life on me... Errrr.... well, maybe that could get me back into the theater. But I refuse to wear those stupid glasses.

Now this I want in my lap. Face down in my lap. When I'm not wearing pants.

I can't even imagine what kind of shit would have been flying at me had Breaking Dawn been in 3D. Scary wolves? Flying vampires? Half-breed fetuses launching out of women Alien-style? Like Bella, there most surely would have some serious vomiting on my part. Although my puking would not have been caused by a fast-growing, demon spawn gestating in my iron-clad uterus.

What are your feelings about 3D movies? Are you the "all in" or the "I could give a fuck" type? If you hate them, is it because they make you want to hurl? (I really hope I'm not the only one...)

Siri: The Virtual Third Wheel

I'm not sure if I've mentioned my love of all things Apple before. Ok, I might have mentioned it just a couple hundred times. The iPhone 4s came out recently and I actually didn't race down to the Apple store to wait impatiently in line for the latest phone. I'm holding out for version 5 that should come out next year. (Please, tiny baby Steve Jobs lying in a manger, let that roll out not be delayed.)

I have long said my iPhone has replaced most of my real life interactions. A few people have commented on how sad that is. I always respond with "Not for the people I used to have to talk to all the time." It's best to keep a thick wall of technology between me and carbon-based life forms.

Maybe my friends should learn to organize my e-mail, keep my calendar updated and store funny cat pictures.

I was a little nervous when I heard the 4s came with a personal assistant named Siri. I assumed they were talking about Suri Cruise and I couldn't figure out how she would have time to organize my life AND be groomed to become next Scientology leader. I figured she had a full day of sacrificing goats or jumping on couches. (This will probably be the post that gets me killed.) As it turns out, Siri is a virtual assistant who can pretty much answer any question you throw at her. I need that! "Siri, did I leave my flat iron on?" "Siri, where can I get Skittles?" "Siri, what's my husband's name again?" 

I don't really remember when we started doing it, but Mr. TK and I often sit on the couch next to each other and text back and forth. Does anyone else do that? We thought it was funny at first and now it's just become habit. I must be easily entertained because it cracks me up to receive a text from six inches away that says "What are you doing?" or "What are you wearing?" Yeah, I'm a twelve year old boy. 

It was Mr. TK who sent me the video below and I was dying laughing. Again, maybe I'm easily amused.

Does anyone else have an unhealthy a close relationship with their phone? If you have a 4s, have you used Siri in an unusual or inappropriate manner? Do tell.

I Don't Want to Grow Up & You Can't Make Me.

Note: it's not terribly necessary to mention it (until you get to the link, anyway), but for the sake of full disclosure, I wrote most of this several months ago then forgot about it until looking through older drafts tonight. I blame pre-early-onset Alzheimers. That or vodka.

 Image from HERE.

I'm not sure what age I was when I realized that I was never going to feel like a grown-up. I'm pretty sure if I dug up my old diaries, you would find me lamenting about the unstoppable march of the hands of time sometime around the time I was turning 10 (I was an angsty child - what did you expect?). I always thought that the "grown-up' feeling/actualization must be something that comes with being a parent, and therefore I was never going to get there. But lately it's come to my attention - on several fronts - that it has nothing at all to do with having children. Or a mortgage, or increasingly high rent, or having a job or a lot of responsibilities...

When I turned 30, my parents treated me to a birthday dinner at a fancy steakhouse. My mom and dad got me a beautiful black leather bag - sort of a half-purse/half briefcase dealie. There were clips and buckles and locks and it smelled divine and expensive: I adored it. I gingerly picked it up out of its tissue paper swaddling, help it up against myself like a kid playing dress-up, and announced "This makes me feel like such a grown-up!"

My mom looked at me quizzically for a minute before coming back with "You ARE a grown-up." (This wasn't meant as a glowingly proud pronouncement of my obvious maturity, either.)

Funny, I didn't FEEL like a grown-up. I still don't.

The first time someone called me "Ma'am" in a store, I almost threw up. I've heard it enough since that it only makes the bile rise to the back of my throat, but I still cringe. The hurl-y feeling is generally directly proportional to the age of the person uttering the word.

I may share Bella's worries...aaaand I am not 17. 

Paging an immortality-giving Cullen: any Cullen will do! Well maybe not Jasper; he has iffy self-control.

A few years back, I ran over to the Barnes & Noble near my office to pick up a few new CDs. I am far from cutting-edge in my musical tastes, but the things I bought were probably charting on college radio boards (or whatever you call it these days). When I got to the counter, the late-teen dude behind the counter (who can tell - all these whippersnappers look the same to an old coot like me) gave a nod of approval and said something like "Good choices!" It was only later, when I got back to my desk still high on the random affirmation of some kid making minimum wage, that I came to the realization that he was not acknowledging my decent taste in music; he was acknowledging that I had notably decent taste in music for someone my age. If it hadn't been time for my afternoon nap and Geritol injection, I totally would have went back and given him what-for.

When Poppa Snarky stopped by my house for a visit a couple of months back, we were chatting about who knows what, trying to avoid discussing politics (or at least I was...). At some point he states, "Well, I guess it's time to stop messing around and start acting like a grown-up." Interestingly, he wasn't talking about me. My father is 68, and he was talking about himself (I'd also like to note that he is taking my subsequent advice to NOT start acting like a grown-up and recently purchased a Harley).

So when I saw one of my online (and offline, for that matter) heroes post THIS the other day, it really struck a chord with me [note: yes, this link is to something The Bloggess wrote a couple of months ago. I also blame red wine]. And with Sister Snarky. And the hundreds and hundreds of other people who read it and felt compelled to comment. And the thousands who read it and didn't comment, I'm sure... If you don't have time to read the post (and you should make time but whatever), you can get the gist from the video below (which might make you cry if you pay attention to the words, but in a good way especially if you watch the whole thing) - 



There's something supremely comforting about knowing you are not alone in this feeling of "Huh...so when do I grow up again, exactly? Do I even want to aspire to this? Is it ok if I don't???" The answer to that last one is "yes" by the way... In case you were wondering... I might not have a choice with the whole physical aging thing, but nobody can make me grow up.  Nah nah!

You Say it's Bad But I Think Porn is So, So Good...

So, the other day I was checking up on some links on our blog-meter and I noticed one that had the word "porn" in it. Naturally, I immediately clicked on it and was not only surprised to see the title - Porn for Women: The Twilight Saga but also that someone we all know kind of well was quoted in it!

We don't just read it for the prose, that's for sure. 

The article isn't really that great but the gist is that Twilight is porn for women. I'm assuming the author meant this in the same way we say it - Twilight is a great at getting us off emotionally - but I honestly have forgotten what the hell his point was because I started reading the comments.

I love reading comments online. Especially when it's something controversial and the asshole-trolls come lumbering out of the dark recesses of the internets to spew their vitriol. I assumed that any article that had both "porn" and "Twilight Saga" in it would somehow be controversial.

I was right. If you don't feel like slogging through the 292 comments on the article, I'll sum it up for you:

1) OMG, Twilight is not porn, it's a beautiful morally correct love story.
2) No it's not, you're an idiot.
3) Men who watch porn are all selfish, disgusting assholes who are ruining this country and its good christian values and they should totally be castrated or maybe sent to Mars so they can't masturbate to porn because THEY ARE ALL EVVVVVIIIIIILLLLLLLL for watching porn.
4) I fought in Vietnam and I'm an American.
5) It says in the bible vampires are bad and you shouldn't be reading this stuff.
6) Twilight is the best literature EVVVVVERRRRRR.
7) Porn is destroying our country.
8) YOU'RE ALL FUCKING HIPPIE COMMUNISTS AND LEFT-WING NUTJOBS I HOPE YOU ALL DIE AND GOD KILLS KITTENS EVERY TIME YOU WATCH PORN OR READ TWILIGHT.

 Game over, kitty.

Or something like that, roughly. Let's just say the devolution of the comments was highly entertaining- like reading a transcript from the Jerry Springer Show. It never ceases to amaze me how worked up some people get over shit like this.

But it reminded me that we live in a very nicely insulated little corner of the internet, where we get along fabulously with one another, share our stories and thoughts and feelings.

And discuss porn. Fan fiction porn, hair porn, finger porn, whatever-porn, we talk about it. We read it. We look at it.

And life is good.

 Whimper.

I think it was all the comments about how disgusting men were for watching porn or the assumption that there was something morally wrong with them that kind of got me thinking (oddly enough, I don't recall a single comment about women consuming pornography, except for the one I left).

Some people care WAY too much what other adults do in the privacy of their own homes. I mean, seriously, if you get your rocks off by watching clown porn or something, go for it. But this assumption that people are wrong for consuming pornography pisses me off.

Porn is not cheating. It is not corrupting young children. Consumers of porn are not all pedophiles, or creepy men. I'm not a criminal because I happen to get excited reading a story that involves two people fucking like bunnies in every room in the house. 

Porn can be a helpful tool for couples who want to experiment or spice up their bedroom life. It can help a man or woman discover fantasies and learn more about themselves - what turns them on or off.

And honestly? It sure beats staring at the wall while rubbing one out.

If there is one thing I can't stand, it's when people make ignorant, negative sweeping generalizations about other people based on a behavior. It's like saying all Twihards are dumb, naive little girls.

Normally, I don't bother jumping into a comments section that is the virtual equivalent to the frontline of a major battle but I really just couldn't help myself. I felt like I wanted to defend porn-users everywhere so I left this comment:

I’m the Jenny that was actually quoted in this article and I believe a few of you have misunderstood what I meant by “brain porn”. I did not mean that Twilight in itself was pornographic (quite to opposite, of course). Rather, by “brain porn” I meant that women get off reading Twilight but in a cerebral/emotional sense, not in a sexual sense (that’s what fan fiction is for, thankfully).

I have to say I thoroughly enjoyed reading these comments – it’s always interesting to see how… passionate people can be about something like this. 

The debates about pornography were… illuminating. I’m always blown away by how much some people care what grown men and women do behind closed doors and how colorful the sweeping generalizations were regarding people (or in this case men) who watch pornography. 

I may have missed it (there were an awful lot of comments) but I don’t believe anyone mentioned anything about women who consume pornography (and I don’t mean we actually sit around gnawing on XXX DVD’s. I felt I need to clarify that since a few of the commenters above seem to take things very literally). 

Pornography is lovely. I’m a fan of it, as are many of my 2000 + followers on my blog. Most of my readers are well-educated, in committed relationships, mothers, etc. Just normal, run of the mill people, really. 

So, here’s the thing about porn – more people watch it than you probably realize. These are people who bag your groceries, take your blood pressure at the doctor’s office, write you parking tickets and so on and so on. There’s a reason why the porn industry is huge. It’s not just gross perverted men lurking in the dark corners of adult stores. It’s people from all demographics. 

Cheers, Jenny

Will someone respond? Probably not, which is fine. To be totally honest, it's my personal feeling that leaving a comment on that article would be about as effective as sticking a tampon in your ear when you have a period. But I just couldn't help myself.

I'm curious to know what your thoughts are on pornography or erotica. Do you feel it's something to hide/be ashamed of? Has it freed you or enhanced your life at all? Please feel free to leave your comments below!! 

What Would My Vampire Gift Be?

Edward reads minds. Alice sees the future. Jasper calms the masses. Jane cripples people with agonizing pain and a bushy-eyed stare. I'm seriously feeling pretty left out in the special abilities category. So I got to thinking...if I were an amazingly gorgeous, sparkly vampire, what would my special gift be? Not that I'm delusional enough to think I'll ever be a vampire -- even though I'm almost there with the pasty white skin -- but work with me here. This is my fantasy.

Yes, Jane. Even vampires should wax.

I'm not sure I could handle seeing the future -- that's just a little too much responsibility. Or reading peoples minds. Sometimes it's better not to know what people really think of you. (I'm looking at you, Anonymous commenters who think it's ok to insult my writing [ouch!]) I have to admit, I've always been insanely jealous of Harry Potter's invisibility cloak which is just the fucking bomb-digity. But it almost crosses the same line as reading minds. There may be some conversations I don't want to eavesdrop on.

What is it that I enjoy doing? Something that makes me happy, yet protects me from others. I think I would want to go the route of Jane. I would want a power so crippling that people would flee at the mere sight of me. A power that would render me immune to defeat. Or one that is just fun and makes it easier to add to my freezer collection.

I want to freeze people with a single touch.

And I'll need these slippers to complete my bad-ass vampire outfit!

They would stay frozen forever, even on the hottest day of the summer. Until I release them from their icy prison at least. But with great power comes great responsibility. Or so I hear. I would only freeze the bad guys -- you know, like Edward only killed the scum of the earth during his young vampire years? I'm not going to take advantage of my new power and go all willy-nilly with the freezing. Maybe the cops would even hire me to help capture criminals... 

If you were a sparkly vampire, what special sparkly vampire power would you want?

Don't piss me off or I will blind you with my sparkles!

A Review of The Tudors. Er, a Few Years Late

I don't think it's any secret that I can't do anything in a timely manner. I file my taxes at about 11:59PM on April 14th. I send birthday presents so late I have to pretend they are for the person's upcoming birthday. I wait to go to the bathroom until I'm in very, very serious danger of wetting myself. I really need an adult to take care of me.

I watch almost no television, so I am exceptionally out of the loop in this category. We finally signed up for Nexflix (Did I mention I am slow at doing everything?) literally a few months before they doubled their rates. Bastards. Mr. TK and I marveled at all the shows we missed on the talking box. Most of them were crap, but we found a few gems. (I'm looking at you, 30 Rock.)

I'd heard good things about The Tudors (mostly about the pretty flesh it showcased). Naturally, Mr. TK was on board.

This looks promising.

I was expecting it to be mostly porn with a little plot and this was fine by me. I was a little confused when the plot-to-porn ratio was not as I anticipated. There was dialogue and a story and stuff with limited nakedness. I was actually having to pay attention.

The whole 'paying attention' thing led me to see the glaring historical, um, liberties the writers took. Overall, the story is pretty close to historical accounts, but there are parts where the creators obviously just said "Fuck it."

Parts of the Catholic masses and prayers are said in English instead of Latin. The parts that are in Latin are just random phrases that don't make any sense. Some of the characters' actions have been embellished to add drama — Thomas More and Thomas Tallis, for instance. I have to say Queen Catherine of Aragon is pretty spot on. I love the bits of Shakespeare's Henry VIII they have woven in. Anne Boleyn was actually probably smarter than she got credit for. She had much more education than most women in that era. Ironically, that's the thing that probably both helped her gain the throne and led to her death. It's tough to be royal. That's why I only pretend to be a princess.

 It always comes back to Edward.

We haven't made it past season two yet because it just wouldn't be right to be less than five years behind the times. I've pretty much lost interest in the show at this point, mostly because I know how it ends and they don't show enough skin. I think everyone else on the planet has seen it. So, tell me — is it worth watching the rest? I'm not worried about spoilers unless Anne Boleyn comes back as a zombie and eats some people. That would be awesome. (Just don't Google "zombie Anne Boleyn." I made that mistake.)