Book Rec: Delirium by Lauren Oliver

I've realized something over the past few years. Deep down inside, I think I'm still 15 and I can't get enough of the YA novels. First Twilight, then Hunger Games, and now my latest passion, Delirium by Lauren Oliver. If you haven't given this one a try, do it soon! For me it had similar undertones as the Hunger Games -- futuristic setting, likable heroine (although not as ass-kicking as Katniss) and one bad government.

Here's a description I lifted from Amazon:

Lena Haloway is content in her safe, government-managed society. She feels (mostly) relaxed about the future in which her husband and career will be decided, and looks forward to turning 18, when she’ll be cured of deliria, a.k.a. love. She tries not to think about her mother’s suicide (her last words to Lena were a forbidden “I love you”) or the supposed “Invalid” community made up of the uncured just beyond her Portland, Maine, border. There’s no real point—she believes her government knows how to best protect its people, and should do so at any cost. But 95 days before her cure, Lena meets Alex, a confident and mysterious young man who makes her heart flutter and her skin turn red-hot. As their romance blossoms, Lena begins to doubt the intentions of those in power, and fears that her world will turn gray should she submit to the procedure.

The thing that drew me into Delirium right from the beginning was its setting. The author, Lauren Oliver, has set this story in my hometown of Portland, Maine. And Portland itself plays a big role in this novel. She intricately describes areas of the city without changing any of the names or nicknames. Commercial Street is still Commercial Street but instead of the busy, working waterfront lined with restaurants, bars and fish markets it is today, it's a scary, vagrant-filled alley that you avoid like the plague. It made it so much more fun to read.

In Delirium, Portland is fenced in and the outlying areas and towns are referred to as the "wilds" -- a community for the "uncureds". In actuality, the places I imagine to be the "wilds" are the up-scale neighborhoods like Falmouth and Cumberland -- which makes it all the funnier to picture dirty, homeless people living here. At times I almost got too distracted from the story because every time the author would describe a place, I would spend far too much time picturing (or trying to picture) it -- especially in its fictional, futuristic state.

Lena Haloway, the main character, and her bestest friend Hana do a lot of running and they run through the same streets I did in high school. They hang out in Monument Square which (in real life) is a hub of activity during nice weather with farmer's markets, outdoor restaurant seating and the Portland Soldiers and Sailors Monument, which also plays a key role in the book.

And then there's Alex... I can't even talk about him without getting a bit hot and bothered. *fans self*

I don't want to give away too much here and spoil it for you but trust, this book is fantastic. I'm hoping it makes it to the big screen -- I read that it was optioned back in February, 2011... so the fact that I've heard nothing else of its making, doesn't bode well. Fingers crossed.

Here's an unspoiler-y video of the author...

A couple months ago, the sequel to Delirium, called Pandemonium, came out. And it did not disappoint. While it takes the characters in a completely different direction, it kept me riveted and even more excited for the conclusion of the trilogy, Requiem, due out February, 2013.

Have you read it? If so, I'm dying to hear your take. I've been waiting for someone who doesn't live in Portland to read it and let me know if it's as good as I think it is.

I'm Like the Emily Post of Elevator Etiquette, but Angrier

It's come to my attention lately that there are quite a few people in this world who are completely clueless about basic common courtesy.

You know these kinds of people. These are the people who plow onto a crowded subway car while 200 people are attempting to get off, or stand on a checkout line and chat on their phone, totally oblivious to the line of Rage growing behind them.

 Shortly after this picture was taken, this man was beaten to death with his own Nokia...

I have my moments where I find myself glowering angrily at the back of someone's head, thinking things that aren't polite to think about, and would probably land me in jail or a mental hospital if I actually acted on them.

But lately, it's those mother fuckers who ride the elevator with me who have attracted my ire.

Here's the thing - unless you live in the Shire or some place where there aren't a lot of buildings over two stories tall, fine, you might not understand the delicate balance of courtesy that is required when you're cramming your body into a small box suspended on wires with a bunch of other strangers.

 Weight limit, Sheight wimit. We can all squeeze in!!!

However, I work in New York City and 99% of those fucking buildings are multiple stories so those people should know how to ride in an elevator without acting like a total douche nugget.

As such, in an attempt to possibly educate the public, I've compiled a short list that I'm calling "The Dos and Dont's" of elevator riding.

1) If you work on the second floor, take the goddamn the stairs. The only excuses you have for taking the elevator up one floor is if you’re old, disabled or carrying a duffel bag of bricks or dead bodies. The stairs are always quicker and there are already enough bodies jammed into those moving boxes of claustrophobic hell. It’s New York City, you walk everywhere, stop being a lazy fuck and go up the stairs.

Saying a New Yorker has never used an elevator is saying that a shark has never shit in the water...

2) For the people who work on the top floors – don’t you glare at the rest of us because it takes you ten minutes to get to your floor (except the people who work on the 2nd floor. Glare away at them). It’s not our problem you work for the fancy penthouse company. Suck it up, twinkletoes, and amuse yourself by playing with your Kindle, iPod, iPad, iWhatever for the duration of the ride.

3) When there is a small village of people waiting for an elevator to arrive, do not get in and immediately hit the "door closed" button, you selfish twat. You’re not Donald Trump and it’s not your private elevator. You need to learn to share with the rest of us peasants. Asshole. If you do this and I manage to jump into the elevator, I promise you I will hit every fucking button for every floor.

4) Don’t ever make eye contact with someone outside the elevator while you’re hitting “door closed.” The moment you make eye contact, you become a dick for shutting the elevator in their face, even if that wasn’t your intention. And they will remember you and return the favor in kind.

5) If someone reopens the elevator door for you, thank them. Don’t stare at them like they’re assholes for letting it close in the first place. Walk faster, donkeytwat. Or wait for the next elevator.

6) On the flipside, if you’re outside the elevator and you stick your hand in to make the doors reopen, do not then sit there holding the door open for your friend who is moseying toward it with sixteen Mocha-latte-skim-foam-baby-feet-Frappaccino from Starbucks. Fuck you. How dare you make me wait like my time isn’t precious just because you don’t want to be bothered taking another elevator, you fucking spoiled little princess.

7) When someone says “excuse me” in an elevator, it’s usually because they want to get off of it and you are in their way. Fucking move. While it’s flattering that you think moving an 1/8th inch will allow me to slide past, it’s not. Get the fuck out of my way.

 A group of ass-clowns ignoring the muffled shrieks of "EXCUSE ME, PLEEEEASE!!" coming from the back of the elevator.

8) DO NOT pretend that you don’t hear people saying “excuse me”. If you do this, I hope that random strangers suddenly start punching you in the dick (or vagina) everywhere you go, you goddamn prima donna. Getting off the elevator shouldn’t turn into a mosh pit, with all the pushing and shoving. You might think you’re in your own little world but you’re not and everyone here hates you.

10) Don’t roll your eyes and sigh in annoyance when people are getting on and off the elevators. What the hell do you think people do on elevators? Just ride them indefinitely? You’re on the elevator because you want to get to another floor, right? Well, you’re not special. Everyone else uses the elevators for the same goddamn reason and your sense of entitlement makes me wish horrible things would happen to you.

11) For love of all that is holy, SHUT THE FUCK UP. Get off the goddamn phone. Oh, you’re having a conference call? Bully for you, NO ONE ELSE CARES, SHUT UP. No one wants to hear about your shitty date, or your awesome apartment or ANYTHING. We just want to go up. Or down.You're only going to be in the elevator for about twenty seconds (unless you work in the penthouse) and if you can't shut you piehole for that long you have a problem.

Even Stewie from Family Guy agrees with me (sorry for the abysmal video):



Well, there you have it. I have a feeling this list could go on and on and I'm sure I've forgotten some major points.

But I imagine you'll fill them in for me in the comments below.

Bella & Jake As I Have Never Seen Them Before...

I have several non-Twi friends who occasionally send me links to Twilight-y related stuff (usually mocking - sigh...). Most often, it's something I have seen weeks or months or even years earlier, but either I've been slacking off or this wasn't super-widely circulated, because I hadn't seen it. I think I would have remembered:

          

Mesmerizing, isn't it?

It never really occurred to me that Kristen Stewart would have been interacting with Taylor Lautner - rubbing his head while he's dressed as a gigantic sperm - when they shot the wolfy scenes, but now I can't un-know it. That will be me giggling during the "serious" scenes in BD2. This has really upped my opinion of Kristen Stewart's acting chops, though, because there is no way in hell that I could caress a nearly-gimp-suited Tay-Tay without giggling uncontrollably (although I think I detect a tiny smirk there...). 

In other news, Latchkey Wife goaded me into learning how to put a .gif into Blogger, and SNL did a Mother's Day-inspired nod to Fifty Shades of Grey [NOW you know you've really made it, Icy] that unfortunately I can't embed here because NBC tends to be particularly douchey about protecting their content. But you can watch it here if you missed it. Related: a request to anyone recording their television with a camera-phone or Flipcam and then posting it to YouTube: get a fucking tripod. You're making me nauseous.

I Have a TV and I Know How to Use It. Sort of.

Since this television season is nearly over, I thought it was about Twitarded time I did a post on the shows pwning me. I must preface this by saying that we pretty much only use the TV to watch college football and might as well throw our cable money into the garbage can the other seven months of the year. We usually go so long between stints of talking box watching that finding the remote becomes a full contact sport.

Mr. TK is notorious for walking off with it, so we usually find the remote in the bathroom, a closet, or the freezer. 

Ironically, we decided to give this whole television thing a whirl because we saw some promising commercials aired during football games. OICwhatyoudidthere, networks. Very clever. Very clever, indeed. Latchkey Wife already did a post on Once Upon a Time, and that is one of the best shows I've ever seen. You know, of the half dozen other shows I've ever watched. Whatever. I still love it. It's smart and funny, and takes everything you thought you knew about children's literature and turns it on its head. 

I think it comes on Sunday at 8pm Eastern on ABC. IDK. Look it up. I'm not the damn TV Guide. 

Another show that's grown on us is New Girl. I think it's on Fox Wednesday or Thursday. I can't be bothered to remember these things. Either way, it stars Zooey Deschanel, and she is possibly the cutest person ever. It's just an adorable, campy sitcom about a girl on the heels of a breakup who moves in with three guy friends. Each episode is better than the last. I didn't love it at first, but now I can't wait for a new episode to air...whatever day it comes on.

Do NOT Google image search "new girl." That's apparently code for "aging prostitute with lopsided breasts." I'm not even kidding. Just trust me on this.

Lastly, we have fallen in love with the BBC Sherlock. We missed last season, but caught it on Netflix. The second season starts tonight and I really can't wait until I have time to watch it. (Hmmm, June 2014 looks wide open.) There are only three episodes per season, which is a CRIME. This season has already aired in the UK, and I hear it's amazing. Check it out if you get a chance.

Check out these otters that look like Benedict Cumberbatch. You'll be glad you did.

Is there anything you are watching that is a must-see? More importantly, has anyone seen my remote?

Craft Project #137: Doll Head Decor [Part 1]

When I met Jenny Jerkface face-to-face for the first time a few years ago, the first thing we said to each other is, "oh ma gawd, you're so little and cute!" We're both pretty short (and she's just adorbs!) What I didn't realize is that lurking under that pretty dress and pigtails is one very demented little person. Like seriously, some of the shit she sends me gives me a week's worth of fucking nightmares.

She started peppering the group with emails of certain types of decorating she wanted for her house. Most of it was fit for, oh, I don't know... that hotel in The Shining or something. *shivers* I wouldn't be able to sleep ever if some of this stuff was in my house.

Yeah, this would totally be something you'd find... probably in the bathroom, so it's all you have to look at while you're dropping the deuce. Let's just say I wouldn't be lingering on the pot with that fucker staring at me. 

I can't remember the first time she mentioned wanting a bowl of doll heads as a centerpiece on her dining room table, but I do remember just shaking my head and going about my business. Typical Jerkface, I thought. I knew that ML would put the kibosh on that sort of dining decor so I wasn't too worried. And I never in a million years thought I would be the one to facilitate her wishes.

One day, a coworker came into my office and offered me a bag of dolls she was getting ready to throw away. She said maybe my friend Jen would like their heads. (I must have told her somewhere along the lines that JJ was a doll head connoisseur of sorts.) I promptly went home that night and decapitated five roughly played with baby dolls. If you think cutting the heads off dolls is easy work, I've got news for you. It's not. Those fucking heads are sometimes glued on! I needed Mr. Latchkey's help with a couple of the real stubborn ones.

I packaged them up and mailed them to Snarkier Than You so she could get me up on the Skype so I could watch the whole thing unfold.

 The note that accompanied the package. She may have squealed when she read it.

Ooooh, what could it be!!?

 Yay! A box full of heads. Just what every girl wants!

Needless to say, I'm on ML's hit list right about now. And I'm not going to lie, I'm a little afraid to visit Casa de Jerkface anytime soon. Not only am I scared what ML might do to me, but I'm also frightened of the doll head shenanigans JJ might have planned for unsuspecting visitors.

Um yeah, like this... what the mother fuck! I'd shit myself if I woke up to this.

So... do you have any old, discarded dolls your kids don't play with anymore? Looking for something to do with them? Help fill Jenny's centerpiece. Send us the heads!! The scarier the better. And you'll get extra points if you find them at a garage sale or flea market.

Stay tuned for Part 2 of the doll head saga... JJ's fun with heads.

Book Recommendation - The Night Circus

Stop what you doing. Right the fuck now.

Well, after you read this post, anyway.

Lately, I've amped up my book-devouring level to Grand Wizard Reader 13 or something and have been tearing through so many books the plots are beginning to swim around in my head.

But this book, The Night Circus by Erin Morgenstern has absolutely captivated me with it's beautiful (and sometimes a little brutal) magic. I've read other books? What other books?

(Taken from the author's site)

The circus arrives without warning. No announcements precede it. It is simply there, when yesterday it was not. Within the black-and-white striped canvas tents is an utterly unique experience full of breathtaking amazements. It is called Le Cirque des Rêves, and it is only open at night.

But behind the scenes, a fierce competition is underway—a duel between two young magicians, Celia and Marco, who have been trained since childhood expressly for this purpose by their mercurial instructors. Unbeknownst to them, this is a game in which only one can be left standing, and the circus is but the stage for a remarkable battle of imagination and will. Despite themselves, however, Celia and Marco tumble headfirst into love—a deep, magical love that makes the lights flicker and the room grow warm whenever they so much as brush hands.

True love or not, the game must play out, and the fates of everyone involved, from the cast of extraordinary circus per­formers to the patrons, hang in the balance, suspended as precariously as the daring acrobats overhead.

Not only does Ms. Morgenstern weave a mystical, magical story full of villains, heroes and star-crossed lovers, she does it in such a way that you become part of the story. Celia Bowen--an illusionist caught in a challenge she never wanted--is not only intelligent and kind, she's strong and independent.

For a monochromatic setting such as The Night Circus, the writing is incredibly descriptive, painting the wonders of the circus in such a way that you can practically smell the popcorn and caramel.

Forget Barnum & Bailey's. The Night Circus would have been my circus of choice, chock full of secrets and mystery and magic. And love.

Though its colors may be black and white, there is much to be seen at The Night Circus.

Check out the trailer for the book:



Oh, and speaking of trailers, I just found out that The Night Circus is going to be made into a movie!! I almost crapped my pants in excitement (reviewers always say stuff like this, right?).

However, it's apparently going to be made by Summit. Any opinions on that?

Anyway, if there is one book you should read this year (besides Daughter of Smoke & Bone) it's this one!!

T-Shirts I Might Need. Maybe.

At some point in my relatively recent past - maybe five or six years ago - I essentially gave up wearing too-clever, snarky novelty t-shirts. In one wine-and-What-Not-To-Wear fueled session, I purged my closet of them all - I gave my faves to Jenny Jerkface, but I think they have since landed in her "donate" pile, too. With the exception of my precious Twitarded tees, I rarely if ever emblazon my boob area with words people need to read.

I'm not sure I exactly regret that purge, but sometimes I see a cute novelty tee and am very veeeery tempted to start a new collection. I somehow wandered over to RoadKill T-Shirts today (damn you, clever sidebar ads!) and I think I might need to clear some drawer space for me and my bloggy partners in crime...

 Clearly this one is for JJ...


This one I see on Texas Katherine...

 Obviously this one is for Latchkey Wife, although she doesn't drink coffee.

Nevertheless...

This one is pretty much for all of us...

...if you replace "shiny" with "sparkly," anyway.

 ...aaaand this one is mine, obvs.

And then a bunch of them were just amusing enough to make me want to take a few steps backwards in the wardrobe department...

Yup.

This one got me, too.

And I am not even going to talk about the 327 t-shirts that might allow me to publicly profess my love for bacon on my chest.

 OK maybe just one...

P.S. Our Twitarded bestieTwiKiwi50/FutureGirl has a Twitarded in Forks 2011 t-shirt that she would like to pass along to another Twitard - she has lost over fifty pounds - FIFTY+! - and sadly this doesn't fit her anymore. Well, sadly because now she won't have a Twitarded 2011 shirt anymore - sniff! - but it's fantastic that her health and fitness efforts have been paying off! She lives in the future in New Zealand but has graciously offered to mail this to pretty much anywhere in the world-ish. Size 2x - email me (snarkierthanyou @ gmail.com) if you can give it a new loving home! And thanks for being awesome, TwiKiwi! Update!!! We have a WINNAH!!! And the t-shirt goes tooooooo NIX HAW!!! Congrats!