The Walking Dead Season 3: Can You Stand the Wait?

*Possible spoilers if you haven't seen seasons 1 and 2*

When season two of The Walking Dead ended earlier this year, I felt like a hole had been left in my life. My Sunday nights had no meaning -- except to signal the end of the weekend and the fact that it was back to work in the morning. Especially, if you remember as clearly as I do, the way last season left us hanging.

Who was that caped crusader toting around a couple of armless, leashed walkers? What was that facility shown off in the distance? How would our ever dwindling group of survivors escape getting their faces eaten off while they waited for season three to start? (I mean, shit, it's been months since we left them fending for their lives at some makeshift campsite. I worry about them.)

All burning questions, I'm sure. Comic Con treated us to a four minute sneak peak of season three that did not disappoint. Frankly, now I'm even more excited than ever for this show to get the fuck back on my television right now. Dammit.

If you haven't already seen this trailer... enjoy the rotting zombies and suspense! And try not to think about having to wait until October 14th for the new season to start.

Tying the Knot

A few weeks ago ML and I were on vacation, just lounging around and drinking whiskey, when all of a sudden he was all, "hey, we should get married" and I was all, "okay, sounds good" and he said, "you sure?" and I said, "hell yes" and poof! We were engaged.

No, really, that's pretty much how it went down, except I think I was drinking wine, not whiskey. I don't remember.

 Whoever officiates my wedding MUST speak like this.

Eventually we got around to telling everyone (well, I emailed STY and crew pretty much four seconds after it happened) and my family was all, "Yay! Also, about fucking time".

So now I get to plan a wedding, which I figured couldn't be much more difficult than planning last year's trip to Forks. In fact, I figured it would be even easier, since there wouldn't be three brides involved and I wasn't working with vendors three thousand miles away.

Here's the thing -- it's not the wedding planning that's difficult. It's the wedding planning with a budget that's fucking hard. I knew that weddings were expensive, but I had no idea just how expensive they really were.

I had a really simple plan for this shindig. Rent a barn or something similar, have some good eats and drinks and party like a rockstar. Nothing fancy-shmancy, just rustic and down-home. How expensive could that be?

 This may fit in my budget.

A boatload of expensive, that's how much.

But still, I'm going to do this shit, and it's going to be awesome and not cost me an entire year's worth of my salary.  Because what this post really is is a-not-so-subtle plea for ideas from some of the most creative and snarky women around.

HELP!!!

 More or less how I feel at the moment.

So Twitards, married, unmarried, whatever -- Give it to me! Got an idea for cool rustic-y centerpieces? Hook me up! Saw some really nifty wedding invitations on Etsy or somewhere else? Send me the link!! If you know of any interesting online stores for favors or dresses or anything, please leave the deets in the comments below. I need to pick your brains! Any and all ideas are more than welcome.

I'll even bet that there are a bunch of you who will get ideas for your own weddings!

Just one thing - apparently ML doesn't want to have a Twilight themed wedding. I know, I know, what a lame-o.

But that doesn't mean the FSE's won't be smuggled into the venue on the big day...

Book Rec: The Fault in Our Stars

Let me start by saying this book is not happy or romantic or even the least bit light and airy, so if that's your cup of tea, move along. It's just plain fucking sad. But I loved every single teary-eyed page I read. This book was recommended to me by a coworker's 15-year-old daughter who has never steered me wrong. She knows I'm a teen trapped in a nearly 42 year old body.

Short synopsis (lifted from Amazon):

In The Fault in Our Stars, John Green has created a soulful novel that tackles big subjects--life, death, love--with the perfect blend of levity and heart-swelling emotion. Hazel is sixteen, with terminal cancer, when she meets Augustus at her kids-with-cancer support group. The two are kindred spirits, sharing an irreverent sense of humor and immense charm, and watching them fall in love even as they face universal questions of the human condition--How will I be remembered? Does my life, and will my death, have meaning?--has a raw honesty that is deeply moving.

Author John Green does in incredible job of pulling you into this story in the first paragraph. His ability to tell this story from the eyes of a teenage girl with terminal cancer just floored me. And I love the main character, Hazel -- she is intelligent and funny and snarky as shit. But I fell head over heals for Augustus, Hazel's love interest. His charm and quirkiness put him near the top on my list of top teen fiction love interests (don't worry, no one will ever top Edward Cullen on that list).

The thing of it is that while this book is essentially about dying, it's also about never losing yourself on your way out. And not giving up your sense of humor. I'm not sure how that happens but I hope if I was faced with the probability of dying before my time (whatever that really means), I would be able look death in the face, say "fuck you" and go out laughing.

I know this book won't be for everyone. I know some people must have the happily ever after. And I know that cancer is never an easy subject to read about. But I also know that this was a smartly written young adult novel that kept me riveted even when I knew what was coming. I can't wait to dive into his other titles.

If you do decide to read it, don't forget your tissues.

The Not-About-Comic-Con Post

So I was going to write something about Comic Con and repost some of the awesome pics and interviews from the epic Breaking Dawn II promo-a-thon but let's face it - you can find ALL of that over at ROBsessed and they do it much better than us. Also you might have noticed that it's a few days (or so) past the appropriate, timely window for this and as usual, we don't have our collective pilfering-footage act together.

 YOU know where you can find frame-by-frame footage of every word I uttered at Comic Con! 

Don't be a thief. I'm watching you.

Also my girlfriend is super-hot and  workin' it, which is why I am making this silly face off in the distance behind her. WOO!

But pre-Comic-Con extravaganza, I DID find this lovely slo-mo video (at ROBsessed, natch) which reminds me why I still care about all of this to begin with (ok one of the reasons why).

Please enjoy:



Did you have a fave Comic Con moment or interview? Did you go? Do you have any tales to tell about running into a half-nekkid RPatts at 3 a.m. at the hotel ice machine? Make up your best fake and or wistful story in the comments! Just remember this isn't Penthouse Forum, please. Usually. OK who am I to say it can't be naughty...

The Snooze Button: A Blessing, But Mostly A Curse

If alarm clocks were never invented and I was forced to rely on some mythical internal clock to get up at the ass-crack of dawn, I'd be screwed. And unemployable, because I would most certainly be incapable of holding down a 9-to-5 job, since that would require me to be up before noon.

For that reason, I'm very grateful to the person who invented the alarm clock, and even more so to the person who decided that a snooze button would be a fabulous idea. Because in some ways, it is.

 Waking up to the sight of me and ML trapped in my iPhone is always mildly disturbing to my sleep-addled brain.

But mostly, I fucking hate it, because if my alarm is clanging at some ungodly hour, it usually means I'm going to have to do something I'd rather not do, like go to work. 

Over the years, I've developed various tricks and schemes that will get me out of bed every morning so I don't get fired but also let me sleep until that last possible moment. You know, that time where if you sleep for even one minute longer or have to poop before you leave the house, you're totally going to be late.

Right now, I'm utilizing the "Staggered Auditory Assault" trick to ensure I get out of bed relatively on time. This involves setting up multiple alarms, from gentle frolicking ring tones meant to gently rouse you from your slumber, but usually involves me cursing heartily and hitting snooze. A few minutes later, the second alarm (usually a more abrasive sound) goes off and then the third (the kind of ringtone that makes you want to go on a puppy-kicking rampage). If you snooze all three, you'll basically be completely ear-raped by a succession of increasingly annoying sounds and the act of hitting snooze every three minutes will, in theory, get your lazy ass out of bed.

The 6:58 am alarm is a car horn. Hilarity ensues every morning that one goes off. Which is every morning. 

What really ends up happening is a lot of whining and griping until ML finally kicks me out of bed and sprawls across it so I can't get back on. And then I realize I have 13 1/2 minutes to shower, blow-dry my hair and get the fuck out the door and I totally freak out. Every morning. What was that saying about stupidity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results? Or was that insanity?

ML has pointed out that if I just got up when the first alarm went off, not only would have I plenty of time to shower and get ready but I wouldn't have to fight with the horrifying cacophony of multiple alarms or scream at the cars in front of us on the way down to the train station to get the fuck out of our way.

Shut your piehole, ML.

What are some of the things you do to trick yourself into getting up in the morning? And if you're a morning person, HOW??? HOW DO YOU DO IT?

Pigs Scare Me.

“I don’t eat pig meat” is a phrase that would never tumble from my lips. But after a co-worker said this to me during one of our Friday night in-office happy hours, it really got me to thinking of my love for the pig. I was mortified at her abhorrence to bacon. As far as I’m concerned, bacon makes the world go ‘round. A world without bacon is like the feeling you got as a kid when you realized Santa Claus wasn’t real. Seriously, you could wrap a piece of dog turd in bacon and it would probably taste awesome.

Do I need to say more?

Once on the subject of pigs, I have a hard time keeping my social skills in check - not really aware that some lines of conversation may be a bit too graphic for the normal person. Sort of like most of my conversations. You might be aware of this if you know me in real life or follow me on Twitter. Sorry.

If you’ve ever seen the show Deadwood, you know the power of the swine. Dead bodies are often tossed into Mr. Wu’s pigpen for disposal. And dispose of the bodies they did. Pigs are omnivores and they will eat humans given the chance. They’ll also eat other pigs. Pigs are known to devour an entire body, even crushing and swallowing the bones. Makes getting rid of the evidence pretty easy on a pig farm. *duly noted for possible future use (you know, if my freezer gets too full)*

Not too scary now, pig. Just delicious.

We have friends that have raised pigs for food the past couple of years. And contrary to the belief pigs make good pets, I would beg to differ after witnessing these mean motherfuckers. I think they're talking about potbellied pigs. Our friends' pigs were obnoxious, destructive and almost aggressive towards them. Nearly knocking them down when it came to dinner time. Did these pigs actually know their fate? Was this why their manners towards their captors were less than acceptable? And once we passed along the little fact of a pig’s taste for human flesh, well, the trips into the pigpen where brisk. *insert evil laugh here*

If pigs didn't scare the living bejeezus out of me, and smell like shit heated up in a microwave, and, well, want to eat me as much as I want to eat them, I'd probably suggest to Mr. LKW that we get a couple to fatten up for a few months. But yeah. Those things I just said. *shivers* Although one year we did win the 4H Pig Raffle at the local county fair and man was that sucker delicious. Like seriously the best fucking bacon ever!

Bacon is so amazing, people even write poems about it. Seriously awesome poems.

While I’ve never been a big fan of pigs in general, pig meat is my favorite. From bacon to pulled pork to a nice ham steak to pork chops, I’m fairly certain I could live off the other white meat. What's your feeling on bacon? Let's share out favorite bacon meals in the comments... I could use some new ways to eat it!

World's Best Worst Show

Rumor has it there is some big event going down in San Diego that rhymes with Bomic Bon, but we won't be prepared to write about that for another four to five months. At the earliest.

It's no secret I don't watch a lot of television. I ambitiously set the DVR to record things, and then delete them months later without ever watching them. Why I have ten hours of TV slated to record every week and I only ever watch five minutes, I'll never know. I WILL eventually get around to watching the new Sherlock season. Swear.

I watch even less reality TV because I tend to lose my will to live. Toddlers and Tiaras, I'm looking in your direction. Judgingly.

FULL STOP. Applebee's is still in business?

Much like the end result to many of my Google searches, I don't know how I came across World's Worst Tenants in the channel listings, but I'm so glad I did. It is pretty epic. What's it about? Not really certain. Should you stop what you're doing and set the DVR now? Hellz yeah!

If you ever needed incentive to pay your rent, this is it.

If you live in California and you are doing some funky shit in your rental, these are the folks who are coming to fuck your world. Landlords pay these imposing-looking people to fix the problem when tenants aren't paying rent or otherwise causing issues. I'll be honest, I feel like the lamest person ever after watching a few episodes. When I've rented properties, I've never thought about running a strip club from my home, having illegal boxing matches, housing farm animals in my apartment, performing cosmetic surgery in my bedroom (Yep, you read that right.), or operating a pharmacy from the living room. Did I say this show was epic?!

At least one person is hogtied on every episode. Yessssss!

 World's Worst Tenants airs on SpikeTV. They have some full episodes online. Just click-y that link above after you leave a comment on the weirdest thing you've ever done, or your "friend" has done in your abode. We won't judge you. Much.