And here I thought I was a cat person...

I love animals. OK I love eating some of them, but I love the ones that I don't view in terms of tastiness, too. As an adult, I have always had cats, but I'm an equal-opportunity rescuer and one day hope to give a dog a forever home. Or at least I was, until I saw this and started planning on my inevitable adoption of a baby walrus:



Yeah  yeah I know that eventually he will turn into one of those mammoth two-ton tusky beasts who eats his weight in whatever it is that walruses eat on a daily basis, and he'll have that weird "come-hither-lady-walruses" phallic thing flopping all over his face, but still. I showed this video to my MIL yesterday morning and she's already packing her bags from sunny Florida and heading to Alaska immediately. I am sure that "abandoned baby walrus nanny" is an in-demand profession there and we both decided it's probably something that pays really well and her son and I will come visit her and her huge surrogate baby as soon as I figure out how to get Mr. Snarky on a plane. Or maybe she should just have the lil' guy shipped to Florida (the walrus, not Mr. Snarky - although he really is overdue for a visit). They have a pool AND live on the water, plus they just got a new puppy who probably needs a friend. I see great things in our collective future.

If you don't melt a little when you see that big ball of baby walrus mush sidle up to that guy and practically climb into his lap, you should check your pulse because there is a strong possibility that you no longer have one and should seek help immediately.

We're Still Here!!

Last night, on Facebook and Twitter, the crew here at Twitarded attempted to introduce y'all to our new and eventually permanent stomping ground, blogwaffles!!

If you missed the brief Twitter trolling or links, go here to check it out. If you were on Twitter and wanted to know the answer to the question one of asked Norcaltwitard and Jaymes805, go here!

Actually, I don't think we ever tweeted the answer but it's yes.

Anyway, this post isn't really about promoting what we sure-as-hell hope will be the next chapter in this long and crazy trip we've all embarked on together.

It's to let you know we're still here. At Twitarded. We promise we're not leaving you and we would never take Twitarded offline. EVER. Hell, I wish we had somehow managed to turn this site into a book (complete with comments) so that I could be old and decrepit and look back on all of this because it's meant SO much to us.

This community is and has always been one of the most wonderfully surprising (and sometimes baffling) experience we've ever had. So we're not going anywhere. Yet. We've still got one final movie to go!

We're just S-L-O-W-L-Y relocating. And we hope you join us.

This Guy Makes 50 Shades Sound Like Armageddon

Until now, I've never heard of Jon St. John. If someone asked me who he was, my first guess would've been porn star. It's a total fake-sounding porn-y type name. But Jon St. John is not a dick-swinging porn star -- far from it actually. JSJ is a voice actor and singer and is the voice of one Duke Nukem.

Nooooo... Duke Nukem isn't a porn star either. Although with a name like that, I'd kinda like to see him doing the horizontal monkey dance. If, of course, he wasn't a video game action hero who looks like a combination of Arnold Schwarzenegger, Dolph Lundgren and Bruce Willis with a cigar. He's like every movie action hero wrapped up into one fake video game dude with a porn star name.

Why, you wonder, do I keep trying to make these guys part of the adult film industry? Recently Jon St. John was asked to read an excerpt from "50 Shades of Grey" in his Duke Nukem voice and, well, it made me nearly spew ice tea all over my brand new laptop. I especially love that he doesn't even attempt to change the pitch of his voice when speaking Anastasia's parts.

Bacon Heals All Wounds

As the fallout continues from the Robpacalypse, you can almost hear the teenage angsty poetry being scratched out on recycled paper as "Let Me Sign" plays on repeat in the background. There's only one thing that can heal us in these trying times: Bacon.

No, not like that. Those things will get stuck in your throat. Or so I've heard...

I'm talking about delicious slices of pork belly. In our bellies. I recorded a show called United States of Bacon (I KNOW, RIGHT?!) on Food Network a while ago and just got around to watching it. They profiled several restaurants and one of them was in my backyard. (All of Texas is considered a Texan's backyard, even if it is a ten hour drive.) There's a new-ish restaurant in Austin called...wait for it...Bacon. Every item on the menu contains...wait for it...bacon. They even make their own...wait for it...bacon. 

Artist's rendition of TK

We were already planning a quick trip to Austin, so Mr. TK and I decided we were going to this restaurant if we had to murder everyone in our way to do it. And thus the pilgrimage began.

The back of the menu. The lighting was kind of funky, so all my pics have a pink hue.

I can tell you definitively this restaurant does not have a silent alarm behind the counter because they would have pushed it the moment I walked through the door, moaning and leaving a snail trail of drool behind me. It was like Sophie's Choice trying to decide what to order. When I was asked what KIND of bacon I wanted, I almost pulled a KStew and climbed over the counter to make out with the guy taking our order. (Too soon?)

 I want all the things!

I settled on a breakfast taco with eggs, cheese, avocado, tomatoes, and the house bacon the size of a steak. ((Homer moan))

Those weird-looking brown things on the right are actually super green avocados. Stupid funky light. Seriously though, that bacon was almost a half inch thick. (There's a crass joke in there somewhere, but I'm too tired to make it.)

Mr. TK had a burger because, well, he's Mr. TK. 

This is the hickory bacon and it was quite delicious. Trust.

It might have been my imagination, but I think the proprietors clapped when we left. That could be because Baby TK chose to rip out her feeding tube while we were there and was waving around used medical supplies like a flag. Or because we were there with some friends and all of our children acted like they'd never ventured outside the house and "demolishing a small restaurant" was on their collective bucket list. That's ok. We'll be back. Next time I'm going to do one of those cleansing diets for two weeks before we roll in and we're gonna DO THIS THING.

 Amen.

What's the best piece of meat you've ever put in your mouth? (Ahem.)

OH NO SHE DI-INT!!!! [Sister Snarky Guest Post!]

Oh yeah, she did.  

I had just gotten into bed last night and snuggled up to my best friend in the world, he’s bright, he’s warm, he’s  my iPad - when words of the tragedy were first leaked to the press.  At 9:33 PM, I sent my sister (Snarkier Than You) the following text:  “This just in - People mag reporting that KStew CHEATED on RPatts with her Snow White director!” Then I sat back and imagined her cursing because she fell off of her chair or bed or whatever she happened to be parked on.  I went back to the story and saw that it got even BETTER - “Oooh - US Weekly has photos!”

“NO!!!!!!”  “DOUBLE NO!!!!!” 

But the sad fact was - it was all true.  That foolish, foolish, twitchy girl had gone and done some nasty things with her (married with two kids) director from Snow White, Rupert Sanders.  The same guy who is married to the woman who played her mother in the movie.  Somehow this dramatically upped the EW! factor...

What followed was an entire day of some of the funniest, blow-beverages-out-your-nose emails that permeated my entire day.  Some highlights:

Snarkier Than You: She HAS been looking more vixen-y than usual now that I think about it... So that "cat who ate the canary" look in that comiccon pic i posted is explained. I hope she knows how to protect herself from rabid tweenagers. er, do they care about anyone but justin bieber?

 Mmmhmmm...

 Me (Sister Snarky):  I did think it was weird that she was wearing heels at Teen Choice...  She's a woman now.  

STY: Granted for someone who regularly wears chucks with designer minidresses it was an odd choice, but she does love the heels. and has rob to hold her up...  wait did you actually WATCH the TCAs???

SS: Hey, there was NOTHING else on!  The Bachelorette makes me want sacrifice myself for all womanhood.   P.S. - "Rupert"s wife "Liberty" looks like she could f*ck. Kristen. Up.  Just sayin. 

Jenny Jerkface:  LMFAO!  I told ML that KStew cheated and he snorted and said, "I could have told you that was going to happen" like he's the big KStew/RPattz authority and knows everything. 

Texas Katherine:  Was it still cheating if RPattz was there eating a Hot Pocket in the corner?  It's pretty plausible that someone named Rupert has a vagina. What's implausible is that someone named Rupert has seen a vagina. 

MYG:  And he's 40 and married? That's so f*cking Hollywood it's stupid. She could have made out with Dakota Fanning fifty times I'll bet, but where's the Kristen/Dakota scandal? Where? Shaking. My. Head.

E! immediately dubbed this “The Kristen Stewart Scandal!” (because E! puts ! on everything and everything is a scandal - because if it didn’t it would just be a channel that shows the Khardashians doing nothing all day).  

As we were all trying to make sense of this senseless, senseless act, confirmation that it was indeed true kept pouring in - starting with “Kirsten’s Shameful Admission” in which she called her full-on make-out session a “lapse in judgement” - duh.

TK:  Last time I had a lapse in judgement I bought a pair of shoes I couldn't afford. JUST SAYING.  Seriously, anyone who cheats on the mother of his children deserves to have his dick fall off. I didn't see the movie, but now I'm going to buy the DVD so his wife can get some additional money in the divorce. Once again, Team IDGAF comes out ahead. I want some chocolate. Can someone make that happen? 

Note:  We got side-tracked here for a bit when TK found some expired Nutella, JJ told her if it didn’t make her dry-heave she could eat it and then there was some talk of explosive bowels I think by TK but that might have been someone else, I don’t know - I got confused.  That’s a discussion for another day...

SS:  I do have to say (and you are all not gonna like it), there is something to be said for a guy who is all goofy and sweet and also really, really nice to look at, BUT...  If he is also not ummmm.... "skilled" in the areas that most men are not "skilled" in then even someone as hot as Rob could get boring.  There I said it.  Maybe K-Stew needed someone to throw her up against a car (that is a car, in the photos, right?) and take her.  It's hot.  The married with kids part is wrong, of course, but...

STY:  Ok i have to go find some really smoldering pics to erase the possibility of him being bad in bed from my mind (but you do have a point lol). 

Vitamin R:  Well, when you are supremely rich and famous by choice this is the shit you get to deal with. It might not be right but it is the way the world goes 'round when you are one of the most known couples on the planet. Again I ask, why all the secrecy with Rob and now this? Next thing we know she will be stealing stuff at Barney's.

Another note:  We digressed again when it was suggested that perhaps if she was going to cheat it should have been with The Huntsman, because Miley Cyrus would want to beat her up and that would be fun but then I had to point out to everyone that The Huntsman is Thor and while he is married with a new baby, he is not in fact engaged to Miley, that is the guy from The Hunger Games and therefore that death-match is off.  It was pointed out to me that I know a lot of useless information.

Wait WHAT?! I will cut a bitch!

Vitamin R:  Maybe this drama will lead to song writing and Rob will release his break-up album. I actually hope that doesn't happen...

STY:  Nothing fuels musical fire like an ugly breakup, that's for sure...  Somewhere, Oregano (which I know isn't his real name but that's all I know him as - KStew's ex who she cheated on with RPatts) - is laughing. 

Kristen issued a public apology to Rob, “Rupert” issued a public apology to his family but not one freaking person issued an apology to all of us who spent our entire day talking about this ridiculousness...

What do you think of this latest development in the new Breaking Dawn saga?

50 Shades of Amazon.com

So today I was doing what I do best when I should be working, which is semi-mindlessly online-shopping for random things I don't really need but will probably buy anyway. I was in the market for a new eye mask to replace the one I bought at the dollar store last year (can you BELIEVE it didn't hold up?! I wonder if they accept returns...). Since I semi-accidentally signed up for Amazon Prime and get free two-day shipping on most anything, those under-$10 purchases have been piling up (seriously, Amazon, if you knew how much of a difference this has made in my willingness to click "add to cart," you would just give everyone this option for free and make a gajillion more dollars than you already do now).

 That's cute but I wish it came in black...

As anyone who shops on Amazon (and who doesn't?) knows, they like to entice you with things that other people who have bought what you are buying also bought. Or shopped for. Whatever - it's like that time when everyone who bought Creative Cursing also shopped for copious amounts of Twilight merchandise.

Call me naive, but if you had asked me what people most frequently purchase when they purchase eye masks and ear plugs, I would have guessed maybe a book on how to get better sleep, perhaps a white noise machine, or a Fodors travel guide or some sort. But what do people REALLY purchase most often with eye masks and ear plugs? Whips and butt plugs. Ben wa balls and ball gags. Fuzzy handcuffs. Sex swings and cock rings. Lube. Am I the only one who's never associated Amazon.com with crotchless panties and  cat-o-nine tails??? 

I blame you, Fifty Shades of Gray, for making me look at sex toys while at work. Oh, and speaking of MotU, the "50 Shades of Pleasure Bedside Companion - Sex Secrets That Hurt So Good" was also offered, presumably a guide for when shouting "DAMMIT, JUST FUCKING DO IT LIKE FIFTY!" in the throes of passion is not enough to evoke the desired performance from your mate.

Frequently Bought Together

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Price For All Three: $15.15

These items are shipped from and sold by different sellers. Show details

Buy the selected items together

• This item: Dream Essentials Snooz Silky Soft Eye Mask - Black by Dream Essentials $4.94
• Cat of Nine Tails Whip - Leather Whip by General Edge $5.25
• Sexy Soft Steel Fuzzy Black Furry Handcuffs Hand Cuffs by Private Island Party $4.96

So much for a relaxing night's sleep...

Open Letter to the Guy Who Caught Me Staring at His Package on the Elevator

Dear Ridiculously Emaciated Man with Absurdly Tight Skinny Jeans:

I'm really sorry if I embarrassed you or made you uncomfortable this afternoon. Truly. I stepped on the elevator with a co-worker thinking we were just going to do a quick bodega run for some Gatorade and the next thing I knew I was totally mesmerized by the gigantic python you were hiding in your jeans.

Well, "hiding" is the exact wrong word, I guess. I have never seen a tighter pair of jeans on a man before. I mean, this is New York City and hipsters walking around in skinny jeans are as common as pigeons and the homeless but... yours were really tight. I'm nearly positive that I actually saw the outline of your glans. In fact, the sheer tightness alone was nearly as impressive as your member that was straining against the denim because, seriously, I think your legs were thinner than my forearms.
 
Also, I'm pretty sure that kind of constriction isn't good for your sperm count. Just saying. 

Missing: your gigantic man-package.

I was really hoping you wouldn't notice me gaping but I guess it was pretty obvious when I trailed off in mid-sentence, my brain unable to forms words and wonder how your skeletal limbs could even hold up your body, let alone the massive thing lurking behind your zipper at the same time.

Still, I tried to hide my fumble but when our eyes met, I knew you saw me staring. You flicked a lock of shoulder length, greasy hair from your gaunt cheek like one of those shampoo commercials on TV (if they starred the hipster elite) and I could see the disdain in your glassy, hungover eyes.

I admit I felt a little defensive. You are like the penile equivalent of women who run around with their tits practically flapping in the breeze but get morally offended when a few gazes slant their way. It's HARD not to look, okay???

Okay, really, what WAS in your pants? A codpiece? A jock strap? A semi-automatic sex rifle? If you truly were hiding a horse cock, I can see why you were so, well, cocky, because honestly, there wasn't much else special about you.

But you sure acted like you're the best thing since sliced bread. You rock on with your well-endowed self, Dirk Diggler Wannabe.

Regardless, I am sorry if I caused you and your apparently gigantic bologna pony to feel judged upon. Even if that was exactly what I was doing.

Love,
Jenny Jerkface