Tough Times for One of our Own

We got a really sad e-mail from one of our long-time readers and commenters yesterday. Our dear Vermonstermom has been through a lot in the last couple of years, including the loss of her father after a battle with Alzheimer's, and the fact that she can still form coherent sentences is amazing. Another tragedy has struck her family and she gave us permission to post her story below. I'm inserting part of the background from her husband's Caringbridge site. Click that little link-y right there for more info and to stay up to date on his progress.

First of all, thanks to all of you who have offered your prayers and thoughts and help to me, MJ and the girls.  It is the support and love of my friends, family and various communities that will get us through this I know.

The Story:  MJ took the girls to the West River in Dummerston VT to go swimming on Wednesday afternoon (8/22).  I was supposed to go but didn't (insert guilty feelings here).  Apparently MJ got into deep water with Abbi (our youngest daughter, 5) and must have found himself in distress somehow, maybe he swallowed some water, I have no idea really what happened.  It is my thought that he was trying to hold her above the water and found himself drowning.  Alice my 9 year old was trying frantically to get the attention of people on shore to help.  Miracle number one:  that there were other adults there to help as often you are alone at these swimming holes.  A woman came to Abbi's aid first and got her on to her shoulders, and was yelling for others to come and help MJ.  He was brought out of the water with no pulse, no heartbeat, not breathing, eyes open, and blue.  Second miracle:  someone there knew CPR (here's a plug for everyone to learn it).  He had never practiced it before, but it worked.  They brought him back and worked on him till the rescue and police arrived.  Someone had to run about 1/4 mile to get a cell signal to call 911.

MJ was taken to our local hospital, Brattleboro Memorial, where they immediately decided he needed more care than they were capable of providing neurologically.  So he was lifeflighted to UMass Worcester, about 2 hours drive from our house.  He is in ICU, on a respirator but he is currently (it's Friday afternoon now) initiating breathing on his own and the machine 'helps' him get a full breath.  Miracle 3:  they are not concerned about severe neurological damage at this time.  He is responding to requests to squeeze hands, wiggle toes, and can answer basic yes and no questions by non verbal means.  He can't speak due to the intibation tube down his throat.  He is pretty heavily sedated in order to tolerate that tube.

The main concern right now is his lung function.  His right lung has water/fluid in it and the xrays are "yucky" (didn't know that was a medical term, learn something new every day).  Medical team is waiting for the deterioration of the lung to stop, or to start getting better, before removing the intibation tube.  They don't want to have to take it out only to put it back in, running the risk of further infection.  He is bound to have pneumonia to some degree I expect.  He is on preventative antibiotics, is running a slight low-grade fever and that is being treated appropriately.

We are in a waiting game, which is not the one I want to play.  I want the "he sits up in bed and is ready to come home" game.  Not gonna get that.  This will happen in God's time, not mine.  I have had many voices speak supportive and encouraging words, have many friends, family and others praying and hoping for the best possible outcome for MJ.  I am optimistic that he will make a full recovery, this is my deepest prayer and wish.  I am beyond praying, I am begging God for this to happen.  I need my husband and my daughters need their father.

Her story really touched us. We are a crazy, drunk, dysfunctional, strange non traditional family here and if something happens to one of us, it feels like it happens to all of us. If you'd like to jump on the sparkly Twitarded bandwagon to help financially while her family's sole breadwinner is in the hospital, her PayPal address is vermonstermom@gmail.com. You can use the same e-mail address to send thoughts, prayers and hopes for a quick recovery.

We Came, We Saw, We Were Thwarted by Bad Hats.

Settle in and grab a glass of your favorite beverage, folks - this is going to be a long one!

As those of you following along at home know, Jenny Jerkface, Myg, and I were lucky enough to make a pilgrimage - along with Mama Cougar, Tatoo Mickey, Rob's Bitch and a handful of the Twitarded Faithful - to see The Precious in the flesh. Well, at least as much flesh as several layers of clothing will allow for... Although it would appear that there were certain...inadvertent errors made that may have allowed for a little more exposure than Rob had intended...or maybe it was an intentional, come-hither sign? Who can say, really?

I thought I felt my Twidar (er, or something) tingling...

But let's start at the beginning, since my memory is for beans and I need to record this event for posterity and many eventual rereads when I am old. er.

Somehow, some of us (Mama Cougar leading the charge!) managed to converge on the TimesCenter where the Q&A session was being held in time to get pretty damn close to the front of the line. I have to say that the venue and the staff there were awesome and the people on line were reasonable and not threatening to beat anyone who cut in to be with friends to death with a rolled up Twilight Cosmopolis poster. So even though Mama Cougar, Myg, and Tatoo Mickey had been in line for a couple of hours by the time I got there, I was able to hang with them. And then when Jenny Jerkface descended upon the place a couple of hours later, frazzled from an afternoon of threatening to kill everyone in her office if they didn't get their shit together so that she could leave the office in time, she was able to join us inside where the line had moved to just outside the theater.

There were only this many like-minded crazy people in front of us.

Mama Cougar wouldn't listen to me when I said I didn't want my picture taken with us standing and her on the floor, which is why I look like an alien photo-bombing Myg and JJ here.

I noticed some folks hauling a cold cut platter and some other stuff presumably to a greenroom. This was about the time that I realized I hadn't eaten anything all day and was starving, but I resisted the temptation to tackle them and steal Rob's food. Also, apologies to the chick who I inadvertently captured picking her wedgie, but that's the risk you take if you do it in public.

This was the last pic I snapped before my phone died. If you squint just right, you can make out that it's the stage (and the people who work there setting up the camera for the live stream). Maybe I should have tried to snag some of those cold cuts, because I didn't realize I was shaking when I took it but I am sure you all appreciate my way-awesome photojournalistic ninja skillz here. You're welcome. Anyway, we were really close - much closer than anyone in charge of protecting Rob should have allowed the likes of us. Clearly Bodyguard Dean must be on vacation or something.

I would say were were about twenty feet away. I'm a bad estimator, but we had four rows of seats in front of us and a small aisle. Somehow we managed to park ourselves directly in the center, which seemed like a good idea at the time but was right behind the cameras (getting in there and getting a seat was like playing musical chairs and once we sat down it would have been tough to relocate without going way far back).

I would have had an AWESOME seat had Rob been seated in the middle, but as is turns out I had a great view of David Cronenberg, who was fabulous and smart and witty and also is pretty hot for a 70-year-old but let's face it: he's no RPatts in the looks department.

Promptly at 6:30 after a brief introduction, Rob - that's right, we're on a first-name basis now but he doesn't know it yet - David Cronenberg, and the interviewer David Carr came out from the same side-door Manager Nick had emerged from a moment earlier. I had caught the briefest glimpse of a familiar-looking head when the person doing the introductions came out, and I have to say I was a little...crestfallen.

Rob was wearing a hat. A HAT WAS OBSCURING HIS HAIR. GAAAAAAH!!! I wasn't going to get to see The Hair or watch him run his hands through it compulsively for the next 90 minutes. It wasn't even the beanie (RIP, beanie, wherever you are); it was a stupid white baseball cap. Sorry, I hated it - and he wore this same get-up - complete with hat - for an MTV interview - SIGH!

According to JJ, I actually pouted when I realized he was wearing a hat. Then I totally made the "nooooooo" face. She may or may not have been able to hear my whisper of disappointment above the general din, including that of the REALLY emotional chick a row or two in front of us who started sobbing uncontrollably the second Rob appeared (maybe she was super-disappointed by the hat, too).

What I wanted: THIS (on GMA earlier that day).

 Or THIS (ringing the NYSE opening bell the day before). Although I may have stroked out if he had looked like this in my presence. A Twitard is only so strong...

What I got. Not that I am complaining. OK, I am complaining. But at least this gives me an excuse to go see him again someday because I kind of feel like I got cheated out of the full-on RPatts Immersion Experience.

Don't get me wrong - hat or no hat, I was transfixed from the moment he walked out that door. Poor Myg had to deal with my ginormous head in her seat-space the entire night because she had a better view. To her credit, she was a ridiculously good sport and was even game when I suggested we rush the stage about ten minutes in then they dimmed the lights to play a movie clip. I swear I felt like Bella sitting in science class when Mr. Banner played that movie and shit got REAL and electrically charged and stuff.

Honestly, maybe it was for the best that he was wearing a hat. If he had whipped it out off and ran his fingers through his hair, Myg and I definitely would have made a break for the stage while the lights were dimmed and could have had at least ten seconds in thrashing-actor heaven before we were hauled off to jail and/or lynched by the rest of the audience. Not that the actual logistics of doing this crossed my mind at any point that night. Nope not me. I think David Cronenberg had his eye on me while the lights were low - he seems to have a pretty keen understanding of people and I think he was on to me.

I think Myg might have said it best:

And also, hat and awkward clothing aside? He was absolutely magically beautiful in person. You cannot deny that. Maybe the hat and striped blue polo under the black jacket was to tone down the rainbows shooting out of his fingertips. Maybe he was purposely trying not to feed the estrogen dragon in the audience.

 Although JJ had a close second:

His fingers are like ET, but WAY sexier.

 This is totally true, btw.

 Anyway, here are--in no particular order--other related thoughts and shit that happened:

Maybe Rob put so much anti-frizz product in his hair he had no choice but to either start over and shower or wear a hat and he didn't have time so he put on a hat? I didn't have a hat handy but I definitely overdosed on anti-frizz product too so I totally understand, Rob.

If I HAD been wearing a hat, I would have taken it off in a nod to Rob's Bitch, who had the nuts to stand over a row or two of total non-Twitard strangers before this shindig started and say "Jenny and STY? Hi! I'm Rob's Bitch!" We love you, sweetie, and don't know how you look so pretty walking around with those huge balls swinging around between your legs. But carry on. This is why I love our corner of the fandom.

David Cronenberg is AMAZING - I have seen several of his films and was no stranger to his work but seeing him in person just blew. me. away. and while I was already committed to seeing this movie, I am 10x more so now. DO IT.

Yes, there was a moment when everyone sort of freaked out because David Carr brought up The Incident and people may or may not have overreacted a tad, but what can we say? We are very...protective of Rob.

When we got to the pre-submitted questions, one of the entries selected was from Mama Cougar, who despite having put together an excellent query would have pulled into herself like a turtle if she had been genetically designed to be capable of doing so. Rob totally looked in her direction so I get it and would have done the same thing. We love you, MC!

Also, at the very end people were handing him things before he made his way offstage and he accepted a hat and a few other items, and also stopped to sign a few autographs because he's a NICE GUY. But seriously people? PLEASE stop giving him hats! I don't want to encourage this kind of hair-covering behavior.

I also would be remiss if I didn't note that Rob drank a couple of bottles of water while on stage and spent an inordinate amount of time playing with one of the bottle caps. He was working it like Edward with his Snapple cap in Twilight. Not that I was paying ridiculously close attention, but he was even absentmindedly gnawing on it occasionally, picking it up and putting it in his mouth. The moment the door closed behind him when he exited the room and the glamouring that had been done on the audience to keep us from collectively having our way with him was broken, I watched a couple of younger women rush the stage to collect the bottles and ravaged cap. I was half horrified (it's possible I slightly shouted "you are making us all look bad!") and half ready to grab it and make a run for it when they showed it to me after I found them outside on the sidewalk giggling like a pair of gollums who had FINALLY gotten their hands on the ring. Or RPatts' DNA. One of those. The Preeeeeecious... They didn't speak English, but apparently "Holy shit Robert Pattinson had his MOUTH on this and now it's MINE! SQUEEE!!!" is universal.

Three parts appalled, two parts insanely jealous.

And now, my consolation prize: three minutes of Rob running his fingers through his hair:



I don't know about you, but I feel better now.

If you want to watch the entire conversation, here you go! Just relax and bring the whole box of wine closer to the computer. We won't judge. 

Me + Robert Pattinson. In a Room. It's ON.

Unlike many devoted Twitards out there, I have never actually had the good fortune to find myself in the presence of The Precious. And of course by "good fortune" I mean I have never camped out on a sidewalk for days in order  to possibly have the chance to get up-close and personal with Mr. Rumored-to-Smell-Like-Citrus-and-Tweed. I've never set-stalked him, I've never squealed at him at ComicCon, I've never gazed at him from a steel pen alongside a red carpet while waving a suggestive sign or a blow-up doll elephant.

 HFS STY was almost here?! I hope someone notified Bodyguard Dean!

All that is about to change!

I was at work a month ago-ish when I happened to pick the perfect moment to do what I do best while at work, which is distracting myself from anything work related by dicking around on Twitter. And there it was, my golden ticket to get aboard the Pattintrain: Robert Pattinson (along with David Cronenberg) would be doing a "TimesTalks" on August 15th, which is basically a moderated conversation with interesting people hosted by the New York Times. And I say "basically" because while I have been aware of the existence of said Talks, I never paid them much mind because they never allowed for the possibility of Robert Pattinson and me sharing the same physical space.

So they will be wearing tuxedos right? 

Because this has been my wallpaper since whenever Cannes was...

Plus I hear he may have started smoking again and I want to help with his...oral fixation.

Given all that has transpired recently, I was afraid this whole thing would be cancelled. I've heard rumors that he's been cancelling some of the press he was scheduled to do to promote the U.S. release of Cosmopolis. I freaked out a little when I got an update last week, thinking it was the "We are refunding your money" and/or "Only David Cronenberg will be attending" (not that I don't respect him buuuut....). Thankfully, it only pretty much let me know two things: they are on to his audience AND he doesn't want to talk about IT. No camping out, and no questions will be taken from the audience the day of the event.

But questions CAN be submitted in advance. What should we ask (I'll be there with Jenny Jerkface, Myg, Mama Cougar, and possibly some other assorted Twitarded folk)??? I was thinking of something along the lines of "If someone in the audience happened to be wearing Pattinson Panties, would you be willing to take them back to your hotel room for closer inspection?" Or not - I don't know; there are so many possibilities! Leave your serious (and wishful thinking) suggestions - along with anything else you want to say, as always - in the comments!

UPDATE: Just learned there is a live webcast - woot! It will be like having you all there...minus the hugging...

This event is being filmed and Webcast live on new.livestream.com/nytimes. Video of the event will be available on demand, also at new.livestream.com/nytimes.  

Robert Pattinson Speaks Out. Eventually.

Ugh, the scandal. The cheating. There is so much flying back and forth on the interwebs -- the accusations, the tears, the rumors, the rabid unicorns -- but Robert Pattinson has been pretty mum.

Until now, apparently. On August 13th, according to Gawker, he'll be appearing on a talk show to discuss... stuff. And not just any talk show - JON FUCKING STEWART.

Now this? I'm not going to miss this for anything. Jon Stewart is an amazing and hysterical host. And I'll get to stare at Robert Pattinson's mouth while he talks.

Yanked from Gawker

Plus, I really want to hear what RPattz has to say about all this. Seriously, I suspect it would be a scandal in itself to miss this interview!

Did I tell you about the time...

... that I kinda sorta accidentally stole a Starbucks coffee - for JennyJerkface! - from some poor dude named "Moe" this past weekend while at BlogHer? No? Then you should definitely go read THIS!

We did and we did.

P.S. We'll be back later tonight-ish to regale you with more Twitarded goodness but in the meantime, you should definitely check out blogwaffles if you haven't already. We won't bite. Well maybe just a little bit but it will be like that time when Edward finally got to chomp on Bella and saved her life. Win-win!

Will Farrell is Broken Up Over the Break Up...

It appears Will Farrell is having a real tizzy over the recent breakup of our two favorite Twilight stars. Like seriously, he nearly lost his shit on Conan the other night.

I'll let him tell you about it in his own words.

Looking for someone?

You can find us HERE!

(Don't worry - we'll be back!)

And here I thought I was a cat person...

I love animals. OK I love eating some of them, but I love the ones that I don't view in terms of tastiness, too. As an adult, I have always had cats, but I'm an equal-opportunity rescuer and one day hope to give a dog a forever home. Or at least I was, until I saw this and started planning on my inevitable adoption of a baby walrus:



Yeah  yeah I know that eventually he will turn into one of those mammoth two-ton tusky beasts who eats his weight in whatever it is that walruses eat on a daily basis, and he'll have that weird "come-hither-lady-walruses" phallic thing flopping all over his face, but still. I showed this video to my MIL yesterday morning and she's already packing her bags from sunny Florida and heading to Alaska immediately. I am sure that "abandoned baby walrus nanny" is an in-demand profession there and we both decided it's probably something that pays really well and her son and I will come visit her and her huge surrogate baby as soon as I figure out how to get Mr. Snarky on a plane. Or maybe she should just have the lil' guy shipped to Florida (the walrus, not Mr. Snarky - although he really is overdue for a visit). They have a pool AND live on the water, plus they just got a new puppy who probably needs a friend. I see great things in our collective future.

If you don't melt a little when you see that big ball of baby walrus mush sidle up to that guy and practically climb into his lap, you should check your pulse because there is a strong possibility that you no longer have one and should seek help immediately.

We're Still Here!!

Last night, on Facebook and Twitter, the crew here at Twitarded attempted to introduce y'all to our new and eventually permanent stomping ground, blogwaffles!!

If you missed the brief Twitter trolling or links, go here to check it out. If you were on Twitter and wanted to know the answer to the question one of asked Norcaltwitard and Jaymes805, go here!

Actually, I don't think we ever tweeted the answer but it's yes.

Anyway, this post isn't really about promoting what we sure-as-hell hope will be the next chapter in this long and crazy trip we've all embarked on together.

It's to let you know we're still here. At Twitarded. We promise we're not leaving you and we would never take Twitarded offline. EVER. Hell, I wish we had somehow managed to turn this site into a book (complete with comments) so that I could be old and decrepit and look back on all of this because it's meant SO much to us.

This community is and has always been one of the most wonderfully surprising (and sometimes baffling) experience we've ever had. So we're not going anywhere. Yet. We've still got one final movie to go!

We're just S-L-O-W-L-Y relocating. And we hope you join us.

This Guy Makes 50 Shades Sound Like Armageddon

Until now, I've never heard of Jon St. John. If someone asked me who he was, my first guess would've been porn star. It's a total fake-sounding porn-y type name. But Jon St. John is not a dick-swinging porn star -- far from it actually. JSJ is a voice actor and singer and is the voice of one Duke Nukem.

Nooooo... Duke Nukem isn't a porn star either. Although with a name like that, I'd kinda like to see him doing the horizontal monkey dance. If, of course, he wasn't a video game action hero who looks like a combination of Arnold Schwarzenegger, Dolph Lundgren and Bruce Willis with a cigar. He's like every movie action hero wrapped up into one fake video game dude with a porn star name.

Why, you wonder, do I keep trying to make these guys part of the adult film industry? Recently Jon St. John was asked to read an excerpt from "50 Shades of Grey" in his Duke Nukem voice and, well, it made me nearly spew ice tea all over my brand new laptop. I especially love that he doesn't even attempt to change the pitch of his voice when speaking Anastasia's parts.

Bacon Heals All Wounds

As the fallout continues from the Robpacalypse, you can almost hear the teenage angsty poetry being scratched out on recycled paper as "Let Me Sign" plays on repeat in the background. There's only one thing that can heal us in these trying times: Bacon.

No, not like that. Those things will get stuck in your throat. Or so I've heard...

I'm talking about delicious slices of pork belly. In our bellies. I recorded a show called United States of Bacon (I KNOW, RIGHT?!) on Food Network a while ago and just got around to watching it. They profiled several restaurants and one of them was in my backyard. (All of Texas is considered a Texan's backyard, even if it is a ten hour drive.) There's a new-ish restaurant in Austin called...wait for it...Bacon. Every item on the menu contains...wait for it...bacon. They even make their own...wait for it...bacon. 

Artist's rendition of TK

We were already planning a quick trip to Austin, so Mr. TK and I decided we were going to this restaurant if we had to murder everyone in our way to do it. And thus the pilgrimage began.

The back of the menu. The lighting was kind of funky, so all my pics have a pink hue.

I can tell you definitively this restaurant does not have a silent alarm behind the counter because they would have pushed it the moment I walked through the door, moaning and leaving a snail trail of drool behind me. It was like Sophie's Choice trying to decide what to order. When I was asked what KIND of bacon I wanted, I almost pulled a KStew and climbed over the counter to make out with the guy taking our order. (Too soon?)

 I want all the things!

I settled on a breakfast taco with eggs, cheese, avocado, tomatoes, and the house bacon the size of a steak. ((Homer moan))

Those weird-looking brown things on the right are actually super green avocados. Stupid funky light. Seriously though, that bacon was almost a half inch thick. (There's a crass joke in there somewhere, but I'm too tired to make it.)

Mr. TK had a burger because, well, he's Mr. TK. 

This is the hickory bacon and it was quite delicious. Trust.

It might have been my imagination, but I think the proprietors clapped when we left. That could be because Baby TK chose to rip out her feeding tube while we were there and was waving around used medical supplies like a flag. Or because we were there with some friends and all of our children acted like they'd never ventured outside the house and "demolishing a small restaurant" was on their collective bucket list. That's ok. We'll be back. Next time I'm going to do one of those cleansing diets for two weeks before we roll in and we're gonna DO THIS THING.

 Amen.

What's the best piece of meat you've ever put in your mouth? (Ahem.)

OH NO SHE DI-INT!!!! [Sister Snarky Guest Post!]

Oh yeah, she did.  

I had just gotten into bed last night and snuggled up to my best friend in the world, he’s bright, he’s warm, he’s  my iPad - when words of the tragedy were first leaked to the press.  At 9:33 PM, I sent my sister (Snarkier Than You) the following text:  “This just in - People mag reporting that KStew CHEATED on RPatts with her Snow White director!” Then I sat back and imagined her cursing because she fell off of her chair or bed or whatever she happened to be parked on.  I went back to the story and saw that it got even BETTER - “Oooh - US Weekly has photos!”

“NO!!!!!!”  “DOUBLE NO!!!!!” 

But the sad fact was - it was all true.  That foolish, foolish, twitchy girl had gone and done some nasty things with her (married with two kids) director from Snow White, Rupert Sanders.  The same guy who is married to the woman who played her mother in the movie.  Somehow this dramatically upped the EW! factor...

What followed was an entire day of some of the funniest, blow-beverages-out-your-nose emails that permeated my entire day.  Some highlights:

Snarkier Than You: She HAS been looking more vixen-y than usual now that I think about it... So that "cat who ate the canary" look in that comiccon pic i posted is explained. I hope she knows how to protect herself from rabid tweenagers. er, do they care about anyone but justin bieber?

 Mmmhmmm...

 Me (Sister Snarky):  I did think it was weird that she was wearing heels at Teen Choice...  She's a woman now.  

STY: Granted for someone who regularly wears chucks with designer minidresses it was an odd choice, but she does love the heels. and has rob to hold her up...  wait did you actually WATCH the TCAs???

SS: Hey, there was NOTHING else on!  The Bachelorette makes me want sacrifice myself for all womanhood.   P.S. - "Rupert"s wife "Liberty" looks like she could f*ck. Kristen. Up.  Just sayin. 

Jenny Jerkface:  LMFAO!  I told ML that KStew cheated and he snorted and said, "I could have told you that was going to happen" like he's the big KStew/RPattz authority and knows everything. 

Texas Katherine:  Was it still cheating if RPattz was there eating a Hot Pocket in the corner?  It's pretty plausible that someone named Rupert has a vagina. What's implausible is that someone named Rupert has seen a vagina. 

MYG:  And he's 40 and married? That's so f*cking Hollywood it's stupid. She could have made out with Dakota Fanning fifty times I'll bet, but where's the Kristen/Dakota scandal? Where? Shaking. My. Head.

E! immediately dubbed this “The Kristen Stewart Scandal!” (because E! puts ! on everything and everything is a scandal - because if it didn’t it would just be a channel that shows the Khardashians doing nothing all day).  

As we were all trying to make sense of this senseless, senseless act, confirmation that it was indeed true kept pouring in - starting with “Kirsten’s Shameful Admission” in which she called her full-on make-out session a “lapse in judgement” - duh.

TK:  Last time I had a lapse in judgement I bought a pair of shoes I couldn't afford. JUST SAYING.  Seriously, anyone who cheats on the mother of his children deserves to have his dick fall off. I didn't see the movie, but now I'm going to buy the DVD so his wife can get some additional money in the divorce. Once again, Team IDGAF comes out ahead. I want some chocolate. Can someone make that happen? 

Note:  We got side-tracked here for a bit when TK found some expired Nutella, JJ told her if it didn’t make her dry-heave she could eat it and then there was some talk of explosive bowels I think by TK but that might have been someone else, I don’t know - I got confused.  That’s a discussion for another day...

SS:  I do have to say (and you are all not gonna like it), there is something to be said for a guy who is all goofy and sweet and also really, really nice to look at, BUT...  If he is also not ummmm.... "skilled" in the areas that most men are not "skilled" in then even someone as hot as Rob could get boring.  There I said it.  Maybe K-Stew needed someone to throw her up against a car (that is a car, in the photos, right?) and take her.  It's hot.  The married with kids part is wrong, of course, but...

STY:  Ok i have to go find some really smoldering pics to erase the possibility of him being bad in bed from my mind (but you do have a point lol). 

Vitamin R:  Well, when you are supremely rich and famous by choice this is the shit you get to deal with. It might not be right but it is the way the world goes 'round when you are one of the most known couples on the planet. Again I ask, why all the secrecy with Rob and now this? Next thing we know she will be stealing stuff at Barney's.

Another note:  We digressed again when it was suggested that perhaps if she was going to cheat it should have been with The Huntsman, because Miley Cyrus would want to beat her up and that would be fun but then I had to point out to everyone that The Huntsman is Thor and while he is married with a new baby, he is not in fact engaged to Miley, that is the guy from The Hunger Games and therefore that death-match is off.  It was pointed out to me that I know a lot of useless information.

Wait WHAT?! I will cut a bitch!

Vitamin R:  Maybe this drama will lead to song writing and Rob will release his break-up album. I actually hope that doesn't happen...

STY:  Nothing fuels musical fire like an ugly breakup, that's for sure...  Somewhere, Oregano (which I know isn't his real name but that's all I know him as - KStew's ex who she cheated on with RPatts) - is laughing. 

Kristen issued a public apology to Rob, “Rupert” issued a public apology to his family but not one freaking person issued an apology to all of us who spent our entire day talking about this ridiculousness...

What do you think of this latest development in the new Breaking Dawn saga?

50 Shades of Amazon.com

So today I was doing what I do best when I should be working, which is semi-mindlessly online-shopping for random things I don't really need but will probably buy anyway. I was in the market for a new eye mask to replace the one I bought at the dollar store last year (can you BELIEVE it didn't hold up?! I wonder if they accept returns...). Since I semi-accidentally signed up for Amazon Prime and get free two-day shipping on most anything, those under-$10 purchases have been piling up (seriously, Amazon, if you knew how much of a difference this has made in my willingness to click "add to cart," you would just give everyone this option for free and make a gajillion more dollars than you already do now).

 That's cute but I wish it came in black...

As anyone who shops on Amazon (and who doesn't?) knows, they like to entice you with things that other people who have bought what you are buying also bought. Or shopped for. Whatever - it's like that time when everyone who bought Creative Cursing also shopped for copious amounts of Twilight merchandise.

Call me naive, but if you had asked me what people most frequently purchase when they purchase eye masks and ear plugs, I would have guessed maybe a book on how to get better sleep, perhaps a white noise machine, or a Fodors travel guide or some sort. But what do people REALLY purchase most often with eye masks and ear plugs? Whips and butt plugs. Ben wa balls and ball gags. Fuzzy handcuffs. Sex swings and cock rings. Lube. Am I the only one who's never associated Amazon.com with crotchless panties and  cat-o-nine tails??? 

I blame you, Fifty Shades of Gray, for making me look at sex toys while at work. Oh, and speaking of MotU, the "50 Shades of Pleasure Bedside Companion - Sex Secrets That Hurt So Good" was also offered, presumably a guide for when shouting "DAMMIT, JUST FUCKING DO IT LIKE FIFTY!" in the throes of passion is not enough to evoke the desired performance from your mate.

Frequently Bought Together

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Price For All Three: $15.15

These items are shipped from and sold by different sellers. Show details

Buy the selected items together

• This item: Dream Essentials Snooz Silky Soft Eye Mask - Black by Dream Essentials $4.94
• Cat of Nine Tails Whip - Leather Whip by General Edge $5.25
• Sexy Soft Steel Fuzzy Black Furry Handcuffs Hand Cuffs by Private Island Party $4.96

So much for a relaxing night's sleep...

Open Letter to the Guy Who Caught Me Staring at His Package on the Elevator

Dear Ridiculously Emaciated Man with Absurdly Tight Skinny Jeans:

I'm really sorry if I embarrassed you or made you uncomfortable this afternoon. Truly. I stepped on the elevator with a co-worker thinking we were just going to do a quick bodega run for some Gatorade and the next thing I knew I was totally mesmerized by the gigantic python you were hiding in your jeans.

Well, "hiding" is the exact wrong word, I guess. I have never seen a tighter pair of jeans on a man before. I mean, this is New York City and hipsters walking around in skinny jeans are as common as pigeons and the homeless but... yours were really tight. I'm nearly positive that I actually saw the outline of your glans. In fact, the sheer tightness alone was nearly as impressive as your member that was straining against the denim because, seriously, I think your legs were thinner than my forearms.
 
Also, I'm pretty sure that kind of constriction isn't good for your sperm count. Just saying. 

Missing: your gigantic man-package.

I was really hoping you wouldn't notice me gaping but I guess it was pretty obvious when I trailed off in mid-sentence, my brain unable to forms words and wonder how your skeletal limbs could even hold up your body, let alone the massive thing lurking behind your zipper at the same time.

Still, I tried to hide my fumble but when our eyes met, I knew you saw me staring. You flicked a lock of shoulder length, greasy hair from your gaunt cheek like one of those shampoo commercials on TV (if they starred the hipster elite) and I could see the disdain in your glassy, hungover eyes.

I admit I felt a little defensive. You are like the penile equivalent of women who run around with their tits practically flapping in the breeze but get morally offended when a few gazes slant their way. It's HARD not to look, okay???

Okay, really, what WAS in your pants? A codpiece? A jock strap? A semi-automatic sex rifle? If you truly were hiding a horse cock, I can see why you were so, well, cocky, because honestly, there wasn't much else special about you.

But you sure acted like you're the best thing since sliced bread. You rock on with your well-endowed self, Dirk Diggler Wannabe.

Regardless, I am sorry if I caused you and your apparently gigantic bologna pony to feel judged upon. Even if that was exactly what I was doing.

Love,
Jenny Jerkface

The Walking Dead Season 3: Can You Stand the Wait?

*Possible spoilers if you haven't seen seasons 1 and 2*

When season two of The Walking Dead ended earlier this year, I felt like a hole had been left in my life. My Sunday nights had no meaning -- except to signal the end of the weekend and the fact that it was back to work in the morning. Especially, if you remember as clearly as I do, the way last season left us hanging.

Who was that caped crusader toting around a couple of armless, leashed walkers? What was that facility shown off in the distance? How would our ever dwindling group of survivors escape getting their faces eaten off while they waited for season three to start? (I mean, shit, it's been months since we left them fending for their lives at some makeshift campsite. I worry about them.)

All burning questions, I'm sure. Comic Con treated us to a four minute sneak peak of season three that did not disappoint. Frankly, now I'm even more excited than ever for this show to get the fuck back on my television right now. Dammit.

If you haven't already seen this trailer... enjoy the rotting zombies and suspense! And try not to think about having to wait until October 14th for the new season to start.

Tying the Knot

A few weeks ago ML and I were on vacation, just lounging around and drinking whiskey, when all of a sudden he was all, "hey, we should get married" and I was all, "okay, sounds good" and he said, "you sure?" and I said, "hell yes" and poof! We were engaged.

No, really, that's pretty much how it went down, except I think I was drinking wine, not whiskey. I don't remember.

 Whoever officiates my wedding MUST speak like this.

Eventually we got around to telling everyone (well, I emailed STY and crew pretty much four seconds after it happened) and my family was all, "Yay! Also, about fucking time".

So now I get to plan a wedding, which I figured couldn't be much more difficult than planning last year's trip to Forks. In fact, I figured it would be even easier, since there wouldn't be three brides involved and I wasn't working with vendors three thousand miles away.

Here's the thing -- it's not the wedding planning that's difficult. It's the wedding planning with a budget that's fucking hard. I knew that weddings were expensive, but I had no idea just how expensive they really were.

I had a really simple plan for this shindig. Rent a barn or something similar, have some good eats and drinks and party like a rockstar. Nothing fancy-shmancy, just rustic and down-home. How expensive could that be?

 This may fit in my budget.

A boatload of expensive, that's how much.

But still, I'm going to do this shit, and it's going to be awesome and not cost me an entire year's worth of my salary.  Because what this post really is is a-not-so-subtle plea for ideas from some of the most creative and snarky women around.

HELP!!!

 More or less how I feel at the moment.

So Twitards, married, unmarried, whatever -- Give it to me! Got an idea for cool rustic-y centerpieces? Hook me up! Saw some really nifty wedding invitations on Etsy or somewhere else? Send me the link!! If you know of any interesting online stores for favors or dresses or anything, please leave the deets in the comments below. I need to pick your brains! Any and all ideas are more than welcome.

I'll even bet that there are a bunch of you who will get ideas for your own weddings!

Just one thing - apparently ML doesn't want to have a Twilight themed wedding. I know, I know, what a lame-o.

But that doesn't mean the FSE's won't be smuggled into the venue on the big day...

Book Rec: The Fault in Our Stars

Let me start by saying this book is not happy or romantic or even the least bit light and airy, so if that's your cup of tea, move along. It's just plain fucking sad. But I loved every single teary-eyed page I read. This book was recommended to me by a coworker's 15-year-old daughter who has never steered me wrong. She knows I'm a teen trapped in a nearly 42 year old body.

Short synopsis (lifted from Amazon):

In The Fault in Our Stars, John Green has created a soulful novel that tackles big subjects--life, death, love--with the perfect blend of levity and heart-swelling emotion. Hazel is sixteen, with terminal cancer, when she meets Augustus at her kids-with-cancer support group. The two are kindred spirits, sharing an irreverent sense of humor and immense charm, and watching them fall in love even as they face universal questions of the human condition--How will I be remembered? Does my life, and will my death, have meaning?--has a raw honesty that is deeply moving.

Author John Green does in incredible job of pulling you into this story in the first paragraph. His ability to tell this story from the eyes of a teenage girl with terminal cancer just floored me. And I love the main character, Hazel -- she is intelligent and funny and snarky as shit. But I fell head over heals for Augustus, Hazel's love interest. His charm and quirkiness put him near the top on my list of top teen fiction love interests (don't worry, no one will ever top Edward Cullen on that list).

The thing of it is that while this book is essentially about dying, it's also about never losing yourself on your way out. And not giving up your sense of humor. I'm not sure how that happens but I hope if I was faced with the probability of dying before my time (whatever that really means), I would be able look death in the face, say "fuck you" and go out laughing.

I know this book won't be for everyone. I know some people must have the happily ever after. And I know that cancer is never an easy subject to read about. But I also know that this was a smartly written young adult novel that kept me riveted even when I knew what was coming. I can't wait to dive into his other titles.

If you do decide to read it, don't forget your tissues.

The Not-About-Comic-Con Post

So I was going to write something about Comic Con and repost some of the awesome pics and interviews from the epic Breaking Dawn II promo-a-thon but let's face it - you can find ALL of that over at ROBsessed and they do it much better than us. Also you might have noticed that it's a few days (or so) past the appropriate, timely window for this and as usual, we don't have our collective pilfering-footage act together.

 YOU know where you can find frame-by-frame footage of every word I uttered at Comic Con! 

Don't be a thief. I'm watching you.

Also my girlfriend is super-hot and  workin' it, which is why I am making this silly face off in the distance behind her. WOO!

But pre-Comic-Con extravaganza, I DID find this lovely slo-mo video (at ROBsessed, natch) which reminds me why I still care about all of this to begin with (ok one of the reasons why).

Please enjoy:



Did you have a fave Comic Con moment or interview? Did you go? Do you have any tales to tell about running into a half-nekkid RPatts at 3 a.m. at the hotel ice machine? Make up your best fake and or wistful story in the comments! Just remember this isn't Penthouse Forum, please. Usually. OK who am I to say it can't be naughty...

The Snooze Button: A Blessing, But Mostly A Curse

If alarm clocks were never invented and I was forced to rely on some mythical internal clock to get up at the ass-crack of dawn, I'd be screwed. And unemployable, because I would most certainly be incapable of holding down a 9-to-5 job, since that would require me to be up before noon.

For that reason, I'm very grateful to the person who invented the alarm clock, and even more so to the person who decided that a snooze button would be a fabulous idea. Because in some ways, it is.

 Waking up to the sight of me and ML trapped in my iPhone is always mildly disturbing to my sleep-addled brain.

But mostly, I fucking hate it, because if my alarm is clanging at some ungodly hour, it usually means I'm going to have to do something I'd rather not do, like go to work. 

Over the years, I've developed various tricks and schemes that will get me out of bed every morning so I don't get fired but also let me sleep until that last possible moment. You know, that time where if you sleep for even one minute longer or have to poop before you leave the house, you're totally going to be late.

Right now, I'm utilizing the "Staggered Auditory Assault" trick to ensure I get out of bed relatively on time. This involves setting up multiple alarms, from gentle frolicking ring tones meant to gently rouse you from your slumber, but usually involves me cursing heartily and hitting snooze. A few minutes later, the second alarm (usually a more abrasive sound) goes off and then the third (the kind of ringtone that makes you want to go on a puppy-kicking rampage). If you snooze all three, you'll basically be completely ear-raped by a succession of increasingly annoying sounds and the act of hitting snooze every three minutes will, in theory, get your lazy ass out of bed.

The 6:58 am alarm is a car horn. Hilarity ensues every morning that one goes off. Which is every morning. 

What really ends up happening is a lot of whining and griping until ML finally kicks me out of bed and sprawls across it so I can't get back on. And then I realize I have 13 1/2 minutes to shower, blow-dry my hair and get the fuck out the door and I totally freak out. Every morning. What was that saying about stupidity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results? Or was that insanity?

ML has pointed out that if I just got up when the first alarm went off, not only would have I plenty of time to shower and get ready but I wouldn't have to fight with the horrifying cacophony of multiple alarms or scream at the cars in front of us on the way down to the train station to get the fuck out of our way.

Shut your piehole, ML.

What are some of the things you do to trick yourself into getting up in the morning? And if you're a morning person, HOW??? HOW DO YOU DO IT?

Pigs Scare Me.

“I don’t eat pig meat” is a phrase that would never tumble from my lips. But after a co-worker said this to me during one of our Friday night in-office happy hours, it really got me to thinking of my love for the pig. I was mortified at her abhorrence to bacon. As far as I’m concerned, bacon makes the world go ‘round. A world without bacon is like the feeling you got as a kid when you realized Santa Claus wasn’t real. Seriously, you could wrap a piece of dog turd in bacon and it would probably taste awesome.

Do I need to say more?

Once on the subject of pigs, I have a hard time keeping my social skills in check - not really aware that some lines of conversation may be a bit too graphic for the normal person. Sort of like most of my conversations. You might be aware of this if you know me in real life or follow me on Twitter. Sorry.

If you’ve ever seen the show Deadwood, you know the power of the swine. Dead bodies are often tossed into Mr. Wu’s pigpen for disposal. And dispose of the bodies they did. Pigs are omnivores and they will eat humans given the chance. They’ll also eat other pigs. Pigs are known to devour an entire body, even crushing and swallowing the bones. Makes getting rid of the evidence pretty easy on a pig farm. *duly noted for possible future use (you know, if my freezer gets too full)*

Not too scary now, pig. Just delicious.

We have friends that have raised pigs for food the past couple of years. And contrary to the belief pigs make good pets, I would beg to differ after witnessing these mean motherfuckers. I think they're talking about potbellied pigs. Our friends' pigs were obnoxious, destructive and almost aggressive towards them. Nearly knocking them down when it came to dinner time. Did these pigs actually know their fate? Was this why their manners towards their captors were less than acceptable? And once we passed along the little fact of a pig’s taste for human flesh, well, the trips into the pigpen where brisk. *insert evil laugh here*

If pigs didn't scare the living bejeezus out of me, and smell like shit heated up in a microwave, and, well, want to eat me as much as I want to eat them, I'd probably suggest to Mr. LKW that we get a couple to fatten up for a few months. But yeah. Those things I just said. *shivers* Although one year we did win the 4H Pig Raffle at the local county fair and man was that sucker delicious. Like seriously the best fucking bacon ever!

Bacon is so amazing, people even write poems about it. Seriously awesome poems.

While I’ve never been a big fan of pigs in general, pig meat is my favorite. From bacon to pulled pork to a nice ham steak to pork chops, I’m fairly certain I could live off the other white meat. What's your feeling on bacon? Let's share out favorite bacon meals in the comments... I could use some new ways to eat it!