Sunday, April 12, 2009

Adventures in Twi-Merch: Wal-Mart Edition

The other day I was [yes, all of my posts start something like this because I am a lazy procrastinator and will never ever be able to say "Today I..."] doing my usual thing, which is spending every waking moment online reading about Twilight-related stuff (or writing about Twilight-related stuff) when I came across an absolutely hysterical rant by Whitley over at Twilog about her massive disappointment in her local Wal-Mart's selection of Twilight merchandise.

Here's an excerpt - if you didn't already read it, you can find the whole thing HERE. Warning: do not eat or drink while reading, as you WILL spit stuff out when you laugh - trust me, I know:
"And this was on the shelf they have for the books and the movie. Instead, as you can see, there are Doritos, which have nothing to do with Twilight whatsoever.

It didn’t get better. The shirts and that one bag were the only Twilight related things in the FUCKING TWILIGHT SECTION. No buttons, no books, no posters, no keychains, NOTHING."

For some reason, the Doritos thing just killed me! Maybe they were the new "Cool Cullen Ranch" flavor?? Anyway...

I hadn't been to my local Wal-Mart in a bit (Target's everywhere in these parts, and I lurvs me some Tarjay), so I decided a little field trip was in order. Frankly, things have been pretty hinky at work lately, it was a super-nice day weather-wise, and I just wanted to get out of the office. So - to Wal-Mart!

A few initial observations: the people at Hot Topic are better dressed, have cooler haircuts, and are generally a more attractive lot. And nicer, believe it or not. And they have better music playing there (usually).

I figured I should start in the most logical place, which would be with the Doritos. It would appear that all was in order! A good omen... [It would also appear that I have no idea how to take bigger pictures than this on my cellphone - why? I don't get it... I have an awesome camera phone that I apparently have no clue how to use. Help!?]
So far, so good. I pointed my cart in the general direction of where I imagined the Twilight stuff would be. I came across a bunch of Twilight posters along the way - very promising! Except they did have "The Stare" {{{shudder}}} And some total creeper dude was looking through all the posters of teen heartthrobs and looked like he would probably hunt me down and kill me if I took his picture standing there, so I had to wait until he left to snap my pic.
And these were cheap--under five dollars! In the bang-for-your-buck department, Wal-Mart wins, hands-down. And I know this because, um, OK I'll admit it: I bought that scary huge blow up poster of Bella and Edward's faces. For research purposes only! Now I need to get that pore-riddled monstrosity the heck out of my house. Please, someone take it off my hands. For reals, you can have it.

I located the Twilight stuff over in the women's clothing section (why??? kind of pigeon-holing the Twi-fans, don't you think?), underneath a HUGE cardboard display banner thingy [note to self: find out what happens to this when they are done with it]. Unfortunately, they must have had it assembled by the last remaining person on earth who is unfamiliar with the Twilight phenomenon and its related images... Ahem - for your consideration:
Above: What it is SUPPOSED to look like - pic from Twiblog/Whitley's Wal-Mart
What it looks like at MY Wal-Mart - lol!!! REALLY?!

And folks, I have to tell you: if you want to buy yourself some Twilight-stuff, get to the Wal-Mart in Princeton, stat! I hit the motherload there. They had oodles of tees, tons of bags and totes, calendars, bag clips and other gear, buttons galore - you name it (although not a book in sight)!
Buttons and t-shirts and bags OH MY!

The only thing that was decidedly absent was anything with "Team Edward" on it - P'ton is clearly "Team Edward" turf, because there were a bunch of blue "Team Jacob" bracelets, but not one "Team Edward" - those were all sold out! Ergo, smart people = Team Edward [except YOU, person responsible for the upside-down display - you must be from out of town].
Is this subtle enough that I could get away with it??? Hmmm...
No movie playing : ( [EtomyB has a better Wal-Mart than mine - they play the movie there] - I guess this is OK, since if the movie HAD been playing, I would likely have parked myself in front of it and not gone back to the office like a good little worker-bee.

Fun over, time to go back to work. $100 later... Why IS it that I CANNOT get out of a Wal-Mart, Target, or big-box store without finding myself a hundred bucks poorer?! I don't get it...

As I was leaving, I remembered that this Wal-Mart has a mini-McDonalds hidden in it. Yay! Mickey Ds!! I looove McDonald's fries!!! Who doesn't??? SO tempting...
Plus I had just wiled away my entire lunch break stalking and photographing Twi-merch. But no, I was strong! Instead, OME and I left and soon settled back in to our desk for the rest of the afternoon.
"You brought a snack..."

So Whitley, I am sorry to have to report back to you with this news: it is true, your Wal-Mart really does suck. Sorry. Although I know you are aware of this already. But I had fun comparing! And for the record, to the best of my knowledge, there was no poo anywhere on the floor (if you haven't already done so, go read her post!).
: )
Rob makes Wal-Mart the happiest place on earth (sorry, Disneyland). Thanks to Eyes of Amber for the conveniently-timed pic of R-Patts @ Wal-Mart HQ!


  1. LOL! I'm gonna need to go to Wally World now. Do some investigating of my own. And of course, for merch. (I have a secret merch stash)

    Just burn the damn poster. It's very wrong.

    Rob makes any place the happiest place on Earth. Fo sho.

    I'm glad my blog gave you the chuckles. Your's gives me the giggles-n-snorts! Oh, and the secret cop readers say "HI!"


  2. Excellent story, and your Walmart (really any Walmart) is lightyears better than mine :)

  3. Oh Lord, I'm so jealous I can't even stand it. I totally LOL'd at the upside down logo. Like, wtf is wrong with that person?

    Anyway, I'm glad you had a way better experience than mine, and I'm glad I could make people laugh off of my misery haha.

    Keep up the good work!

  4. Thanks for the comments!!

    @ Tasha - that might not be a bad idea for the poster - rib it up and burn it; dispose of it in true "vamp style" - lol!

    @ for the love of pictures - I guess I can't complain about my Walmart - they really did have an amazing amount of Twi-stuff there!

    @ Whitley - It would have been hard to have a worse experience than yours - lol! - I am still not over the "poop situation" you encountered (and you're probably still traumatized, too). : )

  5. I too have perused the Twi-Aisle at my local Wal-Mart. The very 1st time my 6 yr old spotted the aisle as we walked in (the poor kid has been brain washed beyond repair, please don't call social services on me). He then proceeded to yell “MOM CHECK IT OUT! TWILIGHT!!! YOUR FAVORITE!!!!” To my embarrassment I had to acknowledge the fact that he was completely right. It's not his fault his mom is addicted! I took all the stares that came from around us in stride. I would not let the people around us know that I was DYING of embarrassment that I had to acknowledge my addiction so publicly. I wanted to run, run as fast as my over 30 self could, to check out the merchandise. There wasn't much too see, all the Twi-fans had gotten their teen aged hands on all the good stuff. Only Team Jacob and Nomad t-shirts left. I have checked back and it seems that Wal-Mart has not restocked OR they keep selling out?

    N E Ways... great post. Thanks for the laughs!

  6. Well, at least you know you're far from alone in your TwiMom status! There's a good chance there were others like you lurking around the Twilight section, trying to act all nonchalant - lol...
    And I guess I must have gotten lucky over at my Wal-Mart. Even online they have a pretty paltry selection. Although they DID have a "Big Mens T" in size 2XL - with the group cast picture! Wonder why that's not flying off the shelves???
    Glad you enjoyed the post! : )

  7. Hey at least you guys get Twi merch-tho you may have to hunt for it. Over here in the UK-Nada!!! Bugger all. GGGgggggrrrrrr *snap*


  8. The Big Mens 2XL would come in handy for making your own Twi-merch, if you know how to sew a blanket! Then you could just wrap yourself in Twilight (*cough*Edward*cough*) and really give the husband/boyfriend a reason to think you're crazy ;)

  9. WHAT?! No Twi merch?!? I think you need to at least consider obtaining dual citizenship. Or you can cite "inhumane living conditions" and seek asylum in the U.S.
    : )
    (But really--how awful! We should put together a special care-package for you or something...)

  10. Ha! That was quite humorous. "Cool Cullen Ranch" flavor. LOL That is definitely abuse of an IP.

    I am so new to the whole Twilight thing. A newbie... Well, I just wrote up a take on the movie if you want to see a new guys perspective:


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