Monday, May 4, 2020

The Sparkly, Viral Elephant in the Room

Diamond Elephant brooch by E. WOLFE
The vampire elephant in the sunlight was shocking...

Greetings from Quarantineville, USA! Population: Most of Us.

While what we really REALLY want to be discussing right now is the urgent fandom matter of Midnight Sun, first we need to deal with a bit of unpleasant (but probably not unanticipated) news. (But have no fear, we are coming for you soon, Midnight Sun, and your pomegranate, too.)

Amid taking in the deluge of coronavirus-related news, late nights spent trying to get a grocery delivery slot, and coming to terms with your new-found job as your kid's schoolteacher (bet they've learned some colorful new language recently!), some of you might have also found time to wonder if we'll still be heading back to Forks this October, as all of our meticulously crafted, crystal-clear plans [cough-cough] had us doing.

Unfortunately, it's looking like FOOOOOOOKS!!!2020 is not going to happen, and instead, we're looking ahead to FOOOOOOOKS!!!2021. Because isn't an eleventh anniversary just that much more special than a tenth??? Traditionally, a tenth anniversary gift is weak ol' aluminum. Tin foil! A cheap six pack of beer! Meanwhile, eleven is stainless steel, baby. Flasks! Knives! Handcuffs! [And as an aside, is it just me, or do all years after 2019 sound like some sort of science-fiction future-times???]

We hate putting this trip off. We haven't even wanted to talk about the possibility of putting it off amongst ourselves until now. We've been looking forward to this long-weekend bacchanal, too! But we also realize that things are very uncertain at the moment for many of us. Nobody knows for sure what the next months will bring, or what fall will look like virus-wise, and many of us likely have encountered related unanticipated financial burdens (laid off person here!).

Fuck You 2020 Coronavirus Women's Tshirt – Crazy Dog T-Shirts
Yep, this about sums it up. 

But let's try to look on the bright side: you can bet your dusty ol' Mini Edward that we'll be rescheduling this trip to the PNW as soon as we are able - you can't keep these hoes from the Hoh!

In the meantime, bask in the glory that is the one, the only, the original "Pocket Edward Goes to Forks," shot entirely on location way back when by our very own VitaminR70 (we love you!):

(I don't know about you, but I'm tearing up a little.)

See you soon, rainiest little town in the continental United States (((sniff))) - we miss you!

TWITARDED: What to Bring to Forks, What to Leave at Home.
I predict JJ getting at least 2' more air in 2021, and my feet being unable to leave the ground.

Let us know how you're doing during the craziest of crazy times in the comments!

Wednesday, March 11, 2020

FOOOOOOORKS 2020!!! Just enough details to get the planning going, but not so much that anyone will be fooled into thinking we actually know what we're doing.

Apologies to all you folks who must be like "JMFHF you twatwaffles had better get your shit together and plan this thing so I can actually be there!" We have been some dreadful combination of procrastinating, fretting, tied up with the jobs we are forced to hold since we never learned how to monetize any of our online endeavors (and frankly, what would we be - "Twilight Influencers"??? How's that pay???), and, or course, semi-embarrassingly preparing for the zombie viral apocalypse. 

Anyway, while we don't have a lot of the detailed specifics hashed out yet, here's a tentative itinerary for FOOOOOOORKS!!! 2020 - The Reunion Tour:

Friday 10/23 - Twitards Take Seattle! We're hoping to find a venue where those of use staying in Seattle that night can all get together somewhere for drinks/snacks/lots of SQUEEEing and catching up with all of our fellow crazy people. 

And then...

(Maybe. MAYBE they'll welcome us back. And isn't it time they added a vampire here???)

Saturday 10/24 - FOOOOOOORKS!!! We are staying at the Forks Motel again. The rates are great this time of year, and they are giving us a group discount - just mention Twitarded for the special rate (and so that they will try to keep us all roomed near each other and ideally sequestered from randomed heavily armed hunters trying to go to sleep early). 

We will likely be making a return appearance at the Forks Elks Lodge, if they will have us (which I think they will, but maybe we'll leave the blow-up sex dolls and sparkle peens at home this year and not cause any of them to have an aneurysm on the spot). Plus I solemnly swear not to try to fill the gaping hole that is my semi-debilitating social anxiety with vodka. We had looked into the Forks Rainforest Arts Center, which looks amazing (and is right in town), but JJ and I started hyperventilating every time we thought about the additional planning, insurance (and liability), catering, etc., that this would necessitate. Those of you who would love to assist in magically transforming the room to replicate the Twilight prom gazebo scene, awash in twinkle lights and anything else that doesn't involve glitter will be welcome to channel your inner (frugal) Pinterest Goddess for the task. 

Sunday 10/25 - FOOOOORKS Day #2. We'll be...around. Nothing formal planned; this is your day to go off and do whatever makes you and your Twi-besties and your Mini Edward happy (dust them off and bring them, people - last hurrah!). Go down to the res with your Team Jacob minions, grab your hoes for a transcendent walk in the Hoh Rainforest, indulge in some brunchy mimosas with your bloggy friends at the motel. Chill.

Monday morning, Twitards will hit the road and grudgingly make our way back to reality (although nobody is making anyone leave who wants to stay longer). 

And that's about it for now! Sorry for the long blah bah blah post - needless to say my bloggy mojo is somewhere between "need's a good spit shine" and "that shit's broken." 

But I am so, so, so, SO psyched that we are doing this, again (and a little terrified, again). Are you coming? Are you as baffled as we are that we're doing this again??? I can't wait to hear from you in the comments - MWAH!

Monday, November 18, 2019

Twitarded 2020 Reunion - Need Your Input

Laaaaaaadies (and anyone else) - we need your help.

We are mulling over our PNW options for next year and need your input!

It's occurred to me and STY that we can't really figure out where to go, exactly, until we know just how many of you beautiful, sassy folks will be joining us. Based on comments and whatnot, we're settling on "a whole lot of you" but we need a slightly more... definitive headcount.

If there is a possibility of us renting a space where we can all gather and shoot the shit in our freak-flag waving private glory then we'd need to know if y'all are willing to shell out some dough for it. (Side note - if this option is popular then we totally lied about NOT going to Forks).

To answer these questions, we ask that you fill out the two totally no-frills surveys below.

More to come as we continue working out the kinks (that's what she said) and learn more information!

Monday, October 14, 2019


True Fact #1 - Yes, we're going back to the great state of Washington in October, 2020 (unless they catch wind of this and ban us all from state line).

True Fact #2 - Some of you may have already heard of a date. If you have, it may be wrong. We wouldn't be us if we didn't royally fuck this up from the jump.

True Fact #3 - It took me and Snarkier Than You like 20 minutes to figure out how to log into Blogger, and another 20 minutes of us trying to remember how the fuck to do this. Thus, bare bones post, my lovely ladies. Also, wine.

Here is all the information we have at this point:

  • We will be landing in the beautiful state of Washington on Thursday, October 22nd. We will be leaving the state (unless forcibly removed earlier) on Monday, October 26th. 
  • We will not be staying in Forks. 
  • We're not sure yet where we'll be staying. 

Ladies (and perhaps the occasional gent) - this is in the VERY early stages of planning. We wish we could give you more, but we're getting older and we have to go bed soon. Consider this post a "To Be Continued". 

Our question to you -- WHO WANTS TO GO?? Please leave a comment if you're seriously interested in joining us. 

We know that some of you have been getting together in that area for years and that warms our cold, dark hearts. Also? Probably gonna need your help if you're willing to give it. 

We'll be in touch and feel free to share this post because we actually don't know how to anymore. 

Be safe. 

Jenny Jerkface, Snarkier Than You, and the rest of Twitarded. 

P.S. - Special, big huge thanks to Dangr Dafne. SERIOUSLY. She is as tenacious as she is absolutely amazing. 

Monday, November 17, 2014

I Think I Just Un-Imprinted.

Back in late 2008, I came across a copy of Entertainment Weekly with some guy on the cover. I didn't know who he was or what landed him there, but I knew he was damn easy on the eyes even with that popped collar and the big poofy hair. There was just something pleasantly unnerving about that gaze...

 First Sight. Well HELLOOOOOOOOOOOO there. You make me feel funny.

Since all know how I happily went down the rabbit hole, gleefully clapping my hands and  taking as many people along with me as possible. These days - honestly? I don't give it all much thought. Don't get me wrong: it was a super-special, remarkably amazing time in my life and I am always thankful for everything that came out if it. THAT I think of often. I regret [almost] nothing. And I'm going to come right out and say (as if you all didn't already know...) that there's been a lot - a LOT - of blatant, shameless objectification over the years. We've written countless words about this man's hands, his fingers, his eyes, his mouth, his abs (or lack thereof - we didn't even care that they were mostly only there through the grace of a makeup artist), and his general hotness. But perhaps more than anything, we fixated on his hair. That HAIR!

OK, maybe not more than his smexy-times stare, but that mane of hair was a BIG part of the package.

We liked it in Twilight...

...and when he was promoting Twilight...

Rome Rob was nearly the death of me!

Yeah, I know he was under some contractual obligation or something to not cut it all off at this point and I DON'T CARE! Viva la lawyers and whoever else made this possible!

And when he finally did THIS -

...somehow we survived. Because let's face it: while I would have happily glued every strand back on - individually! - if given the chance, he was still blazingly hot and there's plenty of room in fanfic for stubble.

Long, short, in between - it. didn't. matter. 

 Kinda short? Woo hoo!

 Long enough to make me want to tug it? Yes please!

 Running his hands through it constantly? ;jbvuhsgs;esr;jbhfd...

We even kept a stiff upper lip and dealt with hats and beanies and various hoods and headgear. 

 ...although I did pout when he showed up at the Times Talk we attended covering up that mane.

In short (well, not so short, but admit it - you liked looking at all those photos),  the man has always had good hair.

So the other day when Latchkey Wife sent me a link that had the words  "so wtf is up with robert pattinsons hair" in it, I was...concerned. I clicked tentatively, hoping for the best. I mean, how bad could it be??? IT WAS WORSE.

Well this is odd but ooookaaaay...

Wait--what the...?!


what. the. actual. fuck. Did he lose a bet??? WHY is he lady-scaping the back of his head?! Is his hairstylist secretly VERY HARDCORE Team Jacob and still incredibly bitter? Did his girlfriend issue some sort of "I will if you will" ultimatum and this was his clever way of complying? Does he not know that whoever gave him this bowl cut (and I assume they have since went into hiding) left a patch? As if the "bowl & buzz" wasn't enough?. Whatever - I DON'T LIKE IT. I would prefer that fucked up thing he had on his head at ComicCon that one year, even if it had nothing to  do with a movie role.

Even this is better. THIS.
I think something in me died a little when I saw these pics, or maybe was finally brought back down to Earth. I don't know why it irked me so much; I acknowledge that it's strange that I would give a crap or have an opinion in the first place. OK, actually, I kinda DO know why it made me rant: I am not bothered that he cut his hair; I am bothered that he is someone who would cut his hair like THAT. I'm bothered because I don't think I would like someone who thought this haircut was a good idea. There. I said it. So congratulations, Robert Pattinson, on FINALLY coming up with a way to get at least one of the middle-aged weirdos who was inexplicably spellbound by you to throw up her hands in bewilderment.


 *ahem* I will, of course, allow myself some fond reminiscing...

So what do YOU think??? Lay it on me in the comments, people.

Tuesday, July 29, 2014

Coconut Oil is the New Black

Hello, ladies (and the occasional gent)! You're all looking lovely this evening. I  thought it was high time we do another beauty post. I haven't been seventeen in...a while and my body is none too pleased with it. Long gone are the days where I could eat Taco Bell without grave repercussions. My knees and ankles are better weather forecasters than a meteorologist. Welcome to a world where you can throw out you back opening a jar of applesauce. Thinking about collapsing into bed without removing my makeup? Better be prepared to have a face transplant in the morning. I have vague memories of some decrepit old people trying to warn me about this when I was a nubile young thing. It's worth noting that I am now older than those decrepit old people. But I digress...

Some time ago, I fell down the rabbit hole of Pinterest. I have a touch of CDO it's like OCD, but with the letters in alphabetical order as God intended. I mean, this website is basically the internet sorted into an orderly fashion. How is that not the best thing ever? Like a veritable Ponce de Leon, I've been scouring the web for the Fountain of Youth. My face has been looking older and more tired lately, and I refuse to accept that it's because I'm older and more tired. I've seen quite a few articles and blog posts extoling the virtues of coconut oil as a cleanser. This defies all logic since I'm trying to REMOVE the oil from my face. Well, I got desperate enough to try it, and I fully expected to have to call in the crew who cleaned up after the Exxon Valdez spill to mop up my skin.

SPOILER ALERT: Nothing but good things happened. All I did was smear it on my skin and wipe it off with a damp cloth. That's it. BAM. I've always had these little bumpy things on my face (probably not the dermatological term) that I'm sure no one else can see, but I've spent a lot of time and money trying to exfoliate them out of existence. After one time of using the oil, they were gone. Apparently all I needed to do was fill up my pores with good oil and my problem was solved. My skin tone has evened out. I thought I had rosacea for the longest time (Thanks, drug company commercials.), but now my skin is just a vampirac white. I have had ZERO breakouts, which is a damn miracle all by itself. Can I just take a moment to say how unfair it is to battle wrinkles AND acne at the same time? Pick a struggle, skin.

I really don't know what to do with myself since my skin maintenance routine has gone from six steps down to one. I'm recommending it to all of my friends and neighbors. Most of them have been receptive, but are few were all "How did you get in my house again? I thought I changed the locks." It might be overly dramatic to call this a miracle cure, but I can tell you five cents worth of coconut oil has replaced eye makeup remover, cleanser, exfoliant, a mask, moisturizer, and eye cream. I might try filling the swimming pool with it next, Cocoon style.

Has anyone else tried this, or anything similar?

Thursday, July 24, 2014

So We Have a Group Date Next Valentine's Day, AMIRIGHT???

It's a good thing that Mr. Snarky and I don't go all nuts celebrating Valentine's Day (too many years in the restaurant biz, among other things? Eh - we're not all that romantic...), because I know exactly where I plan on spending V-Day 2015:

To be honest, my feelings on this whole FSoG movie thing generally range from ambivalent to apathetic (I had zero thoughts on casting before the fact - aside from the impossible obvious; I was "meh" on their choices after...), but I have to admit that Jamie Dornan has a happenin' smexy-times stare. UNF. Also? RRoP FTMFW!

I will NOT go stand for hours on a sidewalk in NYC to see this opening night. BUT, I would totally be down with filling a small-ish theater (preferably one within cab distance that serves booze) with like-minded Twitards for one night... Will you be my Valentine?