Thursday, April 2, 2009

The Big Brother Reads Twilight!!

Me and my wonderful older brother, we'll call him Brother Jerkface, don't always see eye to eye when it comes to life in general. He's a tad more serious than I am. I'm not sure if that's because he's the eldest or if I'm some kind of genetic oddity (or he is) but he tends to frown a lot, a little a lot on some of my hobbies and pastimes. (We WILL refer back to this post in the future, I promise. Like, when Edward decides to get a tattoo or something.)

Anyway, Mommy (not a)Jerkface mentioned the other day that Brother Jerkface and his wife SIL (not a)Jerkface were reading Twilight. I would have fallen out of my chair but I was laughing too hard. I simply could not imagine my bro reading Twilight. Mommy (not a)Jerkface admitted that he said he 'didn't get it'.

Well, a few days after this conversation, Brother Jerkface calls. The conversation goes something like this:

BJ - So, we rented that movie you recommended last night.
JJ - Movie? What movie?
BJ - The one about the teenage models, er, vampires. Whatever... Twilight?
JJ - I told you to watch that?! When?! You'll hate that movie!! Was I drunk the last time I tawked to you?
BJ - The main vampire guy is weird looking.
JJ - {{{GASP!!}}} Blashpemy, brother! Blasphemy.
BJ - He has an awfully big forehead. He's too chiseled.
JJ - Am I really having a conversation about RPatz's forehead with my big brother?
BJ - Who?
JJ - Er, nevermind. Forget it.

Well, you get the idea: Brother Jerkface thought the movie...wasn't that bad. Again, I would have fallen off my chair... it's just that I was expecting a Jerkface-family-worthy Rage of Epic Proportions from my brother (it runs in the family, you see, but I'm much better at it). I mean, I got a twenty minute rant about how bad Watchmen was. I've seen the veins on his neck strain when he talks about movies or books he dislikes. We take that stuff kinda personally, ya know?

I figured the movie conversation was going to be the end of the Twilight saga between myself and Brother Jerkface. However, he calls me last night to chat rant and Twilight came up again in conversation...

BJ - I finished reading that vampire book last night.
JJ - Oh yeah? What did you think?
BJ - It was like Nancy Drew meets Interview with a Vampire
JJ - I guess...
BJ - I told my wife I needed a training bra when I was done reading it.
JJ - Ha! Ha! You're such a turd
BJ - I didn't understand why Bella wets her pants every time she accidentally touches the vampire
JJ - He's cold to touch. Ice cold.
BJ - So she pees herself?
JJ - {{{Sigh}}} You just don't get it.
BJ - You know what I didn't like about the book?
JJ - Everything?
BJ - The fact that the vampires don't kill anyone.
JJ - They're vegetarians.
BJ - That's stupid. Even the bad vampires aren't scary. Getting chased by James is like getting chased by the lead singer of Warrant. Or Milli Vanilli.
JJ - [Hangs up phone because she's laughing too hard to respond]


  1. Hilarous! My husband's reading the series (probably because he's trying to relate to my obsession/madness, he's cool like that) and our conversations are exactly the same.

  2. Sorry, chick. I couldn't help myself.

  3. Ok, I almost peed my pants over the mental image of James being lead singer of Warrant. Or Milli Vanilli!!!!!!! I LOVE IT!!!! And the training bra thing?! My husband was thinking the exact same thing (when after I had read the series for the third time he tried out Twilight). You guys are hilarious and ABSOLUTELY the best. Keep it coming.

  4. Loved the training bra thing! Effing hilarious. Keep the blogs coming. You two help me get my daily TwiFix!

  5. @Heather - that pretty much killed me too. I mean, Warrant? Really? LOL!

    @Lainey - thanks dude! We aim to please! :)


Comments are our life now. Leave one!