Sunday, April 26, 2009

"Kristen Stewart Chops Off All Her Hair!" [aka "How Rumors Start"]

Last night JJ and I were out at our favorite local dive bar where DH's band was playing some good old-fashioned punk rock. Pre-show, we milled around upstairs (the bands play in a subterranean lair) shooting the shit and throwing back some strong cocktails [remember in a previous post how I said we'd had the week from hell? yes? ok then.] I was in a conversation with a women whom I begrudgingly remain friends with despite her foiling JJ's and my best efforts to indoctrinate her into the Twidom when she suddenly stopped blathering mid-sentence to blurt out the following:

Non-Twi-Friend: Oh!! That girl from that stupid vampire movie you love so much chopped off all her hair!
Snarkier Than You [freezing mid-sip]: WHAT?! That's impossible!!
NTF: Yup - it's true! And it doesn't look good. I mean, she's a beautiful girl, but that pixie cut is SO not right for her...
STY: Where did you hear this?! Are you sure?!
NTF: I was surfing Yahoo's OMG news - that "What Were They Thinking?!" thing where they show all the worst style offenders?? It was definitely her, and Lady GaGa and a few other people in awful get-ups.
STY: When did you read this???
NTF: Today.
STY: [Exasperated] No no no - what time today???
NTF: [looking at me like I am effing nuts] What time? Why?? Er, I have no idea... Maybe around 4:00? Why??
STY: Listen, I hate to admit this in public, but I am so tuned into all things Twilight that I follow several blogs who would have posted about this before the first shorn clipping of hair had hit the ground. And I didn't hear about it.
NTF: [sullen] Well, it was her.

Unfortunately, it was really REALLY late when we got home so I wasn't able to confirm or deny the aforementioned rumor but when I woke up this morning, it was still on my mind and I went to check it out. I went straight to Yahoo, where I found this:

For those of you who may be as clueless as I am when it comes to this kind of stuff [have I ever mentioned that I stopped obsessively reading Perez Hilton when I started obsessing about Twilight? Well, I did.], that is Jena Malone. I've heard her name but had no clue who she really was, although over at IMDB it says that she was in one of my fave movies, Donnie Darko and also, coincidentally, was in Into the Wild With K-Stew. Maybe I just don't recognize her current look... Anyway, clearly, she is not Kristen Stewart. I don't think Robert Pattinson would tap that, do you? To give NTF her due, that haircut isn't the best (can anyone say "The Jamie-Lee-Curtis-'do"???) and that outfit is a disaster (people, can we please keep the knee-high stockings in Grandma' s dresser where they belong? Please?! Because they flatter no one, ok??). But it's not The Stew (who to her credit either has better taste, a better stylist, or--more likely--both).

P.S. I just spoke to NTF a few moments ago, apprised her of the falsity of her story and my bloggy intention to share her faux-pas with the world, and asked her if she had any further on-the-record comments she's like to share. All I got was "Don't you dare put me on that stupid blog of yours!!!"

Sorry, NTF, too late! But I still [heart] you. And admit it: you're a secret Twitarded reader. It's ok; I know alllll about it. : )

P.P.S. DH was not too happy with me this morning when I jumped right into blogging without any consideration for our breakfast/brunch-y needs. He looked at me petulantly and stated "I can't live on Twilight news. I don't get nourishment from it like you do."


  1. Great post :) And I mean who could ever confuse Jena Malone and Kristin Stewart? They look nothing alike :) I agree, as does all of fashion probably, Jena's outfit is horrendous.

  2. love the way you write, so funny!
    glad K-Stew didn't really chop off her hair and thanks for following my blog! it's great to have you on bored and I do a weekly blog review. I think yours will be up for it.

  3. It's funny that you mention that you used to obsessively read perezhilton before Twilight blogs because that is exactly what happened with me. I used to read perezhilton religiously, but since I discovered Twi blogs, I barely read once a week. And even then I am mostly looking for Twi-related news. Oh, and Jena Malone has been in a few things I'll bet you've seen. She's the main character in Saved! She's in Cold Mountain. And she's Susan Sarandon's daughter in Stepmom. She looks completely different with her short hair!

  4. I LOVED Saved! I thought it was absolutely hysterical!!

  5. I hope you two got to relax and enjoy the pleasures of your cocktails and loud punk rock music. Love the reference to the "Non-Twi-Friend"--see, the gossip, even false gossip, is infiltrating the thoughts of the non-believers. I am thinking she is somewhat Twitarded just by association. :)

  6. Can I just show some love and say I'm in agreement with all comments before me? :)

    @VitaminR70 - I completely agree. I find that everyone in my life is now associated with Twilight due to my obsess... ummm... dedication.;)

    Oh and p to the s: I checked out your link to that "what are they thinking thing?" who in the world is Cassie and why are her yellow nails worse then that horrendous hair cut?? Just thrown that out there.

  7. Kristen Stewart isn't stew-pid. Her hair is her trademark look. If she ever cut it all off, no one would ever hire her again! And I'm thinking that a lot of Twilight fans would hunt her down and give her a whole lotta' bitch-smackin'!

    But seriously, why would someone ever cut their hair in the middle of making two movies (New Moon and then back-to-back, Eclipse)?

    As for your friend, they say that there's a fine line between love and hate so I'm thinking that she's just not ready to come out of the closet and 'fess up her true adoration to Twlight. ;)

  8. Dontcha just LOVE proving people wrong? Next to making fun of people that's one of my most favorite things to do in the world.

  9. NTF's are everywhere. I have many and yes, they are quick to make you flinch. Maybe they think it's intervention, dunno. But funny how very wrong she was and to say it while having cocktails. Brave I might add :)

  10. Thanks for the laughs. Read this earlier today but can't post at work. You made my otherwise boring day livable! Love you guys! Keep them coming.

  11. hey everyone - thanks for the comments! keep 'em coming - we love comments!!

    @for the love of pictures - right? totally cute, but not k-stew and i don't get the outfit at all...

    @may - thanks! looking forward to it!

    @perpetual fangirl - yup - guilty as charged - i am a recovering perez-a-holic (not NEARLY as healthy as my current Twi-holic status! :)

    @VitaminR70 - i feel SO much better! too bad it's back to the grind tomorrow...

    @cuteangiek - i have no idea who cassie is in that pic either but i DO know that nail polish can be changed and hair takes a looong time to grow in - lol!

    @koolio - for a second there i was thinking that maybe k-stew was thinking that if everyone else was wearing a wig, she could chop off her hair if she wanted to! glad this was SO wrong!

    @Aunt B - yep - it was a perfect morning - i blogged about NTF being wrong and DH picked apart typos in the sunday paper - everyone was happy (but hungry)!

    @Honolulu Girl - I don't know when the Twintervention is coming, but Sister Snarky and I will be ready!

    @Lainey - TOTALLY understand that - my work/office blocks the most random stuff! thanks for stopping back in later! : )

  12. tht girl u talked 2 is totally right i was going 1 of my searches on new moon and it came up on 1 of the sites....but the good thing is she didnt do it at her own hand she HAD 2 becuz shes doing the this new movie 'the runaways' she plays joan jett...evn though thts really bad ass it sucks.but ppl keep reassuring me tht it WILL grow back 4 new moon but i doubt it becuz i cut my hair short and it took 4EVER 2 grow it back but wats the worst thing tht can happen they'll put her in a wig 4 eclipse...its matters 2 me if she cut her hair but as long as shes not crying over it im not going 2 stress...but i can assure you tht it is true

  13. "I can't live on Twilight news. I don't get nourishment from it like you do." - hubbies say the darndest things!! I love that shit. kthanxbye


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