Thursday, April 30, 2009

Never Double Dog Dare a Dirty Minded Twitard

Clearly, we have smut on the brain. I'm not sure how it happened (ok, yes I am) but now all I can think about it Twismut. The seal has been broken. And it's all your fault.

ML emailed me earlier today and asked me to pick up some of his special man shampoo (WHY does everything sound dirty to me?!). There is a Ricky's near my office which sells some of the fancier types of toiletries (we are both toiletry snobs, just for the record. You wouldn't know it if you saw us, but we are). So, naturally, I send an email to STY to see if she needs anything (because STY is a total product whore). And then a thought occurs to me. I shoot off another email to STY:

Me: Ricky's has a 'grown up' section, ya' know. Bet I could get a picture of Edward...
STY: Dare ya'!
Me: I dunno... Have to see if there are any pervies lurking.
STY: Double dog dare ya'...
Me: You're on, bitch!

I shove Edward and my cell phone in my pocket and march on over to Ricky's. I have to say, one of the reasons I love working in NYC so much is that I can buy makeup, hair spray and a dildo all in one place. If I wanted to, I mean. Oh, and they also sell the cutest rain boots! Um, ok, that combination of items seems a little creepy in hindsight, but whatever...

Thankfully, the adult section is way in the back, so I skulk my way over there and furtively shoot a glance in... Lookin' good - the coast is clear, not a perv in sight! I step through the beaded curtain (which is like stepping onto the set of a seventies porno. or maybe a Brady Bunch episode) and look frantically around for the best shot photo opp. Condoms? No. Sexy maid outfit? Nah. Some sort of... holy shit what IS that? Definitely not. I peek back out through the curtains to make sure no employees are watching me and wondering what I am up to (if i was them I would have totally thrown me out by now, action figure and all) and then I zero in on the the wall of penises. It's dick city in there - perfect! I pull out my cell phone, get Edward all positioned...

...and someone walks through the curtain. I almost shit my pants. Of course, I do the most natural thing ever when someone startles you in the adult section of a store while you're clutching an action figure: I start laughing maniacally. I know for sure that I had my wide-eyed crazy face on. She gives me an odd look, figuring I'm embarrassed because I'm standing in front of a gigantic vibrator and then I give her an odd look, because she's obviously an orthodox Jew. Not judging or anything, but the last thing I expected to see in the back-room sex shop of Ricky's was a very religious person. Hey, more power to her.

She lingers. I sweat. There is no way in hell I'm leaving without a picture. Finally, finally, she leaves. I waited her out - and I won! I whip Edward out again (ha ha!) and quickly snap the picture. As I exit the adult section, an employee wheels around the corner. I smile.

"Where do you keep the Matrix Men products?" I ask sweetly. She points down an aisle.

Score.


P.S. - Pillow Biter... it's still on. :)

57 comments:

  1. I can't stop laughing!

    Give me a sec..hahahahahahahahahahaha....

    Ok 1st: you're a genius, as usual. And 2nd: I just realized that Eduardo up there...is approximately the same size as a dildo...hmm....?

    No! No!....I'm joking...I would NEVER!

    Ok..Ok...I might...HAHA! ;)

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  2. LOL!! Holy crap, Tasha! You're right! I was so quick to run out of there I didn't even realize! Edward is a DILDO!!! LOL!

    Ok, I really need to go to bed...

    shit! that sounded bad too. I'm screwed.

    Crap! Never mind...

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  3. The GREATEST mini Edward Cullen picture EVER! Hands down you win!

    Tasha is correct you are truly a genius.

    However, I beg to differ on only one point, which I do so lovingly.

    To say there was "not a perv in sight" .. humm who's been reading the dirty Twiporn?? Along with getting a ton of others hooked on it? ;) Just a thought from on prev to another.

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  4. I am a 34 (35 on Saturday) mom of 4 ... addicted to Twilight - I happen to stumble onto your blog a few days ago & I am totally hooked - THANKS - you put a huge smile on my face - you guys are AWESOME (o:

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  5. btw - found you through TwiCrack Addict (Love her blog too)

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  6. @cuteangiek - I should have said 'other' pervs, lol. Because clearly, I am one. Gotta love us, eh?

    @Stephanie - We like big smiles! Among other things, lol. And TwiCrack really is the bestest. For real.

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  7. Sweet mother o' crazy! This is priceless. Seriously priceless. The new pocket Dildward, hmmm...it could sell.

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  8. pssst JJ? See? See what the TwiPorn does to your mind? There's no turning back now. =]

    I stopped fighting it a long time ago. My mind is concreted and bolted in the gutter. It's nice there...

    P.S.
    Your ..ahem.."toy/action figure/Pleasureward" secret is safe with me. And a few 1,000 friends. =D

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  9. @JJ - I've been a closet prev for so long. It's nice to finally meet liked minded people.

    @Tasha & Amcas - Oh my Dildward and Pleasureward! Seriously.... I'm speechless....
    Comments like these are just one of the reasons why I am IN LOVE with this blog. :)

    Okay I'm going back to my smut. :)

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  10. Amazing! Simply and amazing great pic :) Hilarious!

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  11. im just awe-struck!!! i cant even think of anything remotley funny to say, cuz im sitting here laughing my ass off.

    ......... i can only giggle like a school girl as i think of the coming possible adv entures for mini-edward,haha

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  12. Seriously trying to picture this happening and laughing like a madwomen!!!


    Really nothing else to say... :)

    ~Becky~

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  13. LOL. Ok, when I started reading this I laughed so hard for some reason at the thought of you in the adult section and someone coming in on you and you laughing hysterically all wide eyed crazy face. That image is just too funny!! Wait, I'm still giggling while typing this... Ok, this is just going to crack me up for a while. Too funny. I need an Edward doll now so that I can have some fun with him. Not like that girls! I mean with the photos.

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  14. Hee! Hee! My love and respect for you grows with every post. The only downfall of this new thread is no more Twitarded reading for me at work. I work for the state--this shit could get me fired!

    On to Dilward (which I love BTW) or Pocket Dilward--hee! Oh, now I am seriously cracking up. So here is a thought.....lead in story here......many, many moons ago I was a huge Star Trek Next Generation fan and my husband and I came up with the idea of having a talking dildo that said in Patrick Stewart/Jean Luke Picard's voice "Make it so Number One, Make it so Number One". I was seriously crushed out on Patrick Stewart back in those days so the thought of him saying that while..... well.....you know....it was a very intriguing idea to me. OK, my point is wouldn't it be great to have a real life working/talking Dilward? He could say, "Say it! Say it! Say it out loud!" Or something along those lines. Cash cow ladies......fame and fortune.....I am calling Neca tomorrow...I would totally buy one...secretly, online from the safety of my home of course.

    @JJ--thanks for plunging through the beaded curtains for our entertainment/pleasure. You officially have all our collective minds in the gutter now.

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  15. So laughing out loud at the thought of you getting busted and giggling in the back of the store!

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  16. If anyone needs a vibrating Edward I have a contact. srsly. I'm just saying...*note to self- contact Jenny for picture of vibrating Edward.*

    And when I first read the title of this post, I thought it was referring to my triple-dog dare, of which I'm delighting in the thought of seeing the result... mwahahahaha.

    You. GO. girl.

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  17. It's 1:42 in the am, and I'm sitting her giggling like a school girl...or a Twitard! I may NEVER be able to think of "Say it out loud" ever the same again! OME!

    *Track 10

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  18. Oh no you di'nt! ;)

    Edward looked a little embarrassed, if you ask me. He couldn't even look straight into the camera. He looked like he might be staring at the vibrating pus...oh, nevermind. Maybe next time you could have him nuzzling a pair of stripper's boobies or something.

    If the woman that came into the room was Orthodox, that's okay. It's the Hassidic Jews, the ultra Orthodox, who don't approve of such things. I think. Even though I'm Jewish, I'm not even sure about those things, lol.

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  19. I just about snorted coffee out of my nose! You girls absolutely crack me up! I am 100% hooked on Twitarded and the fabulous twitards that run it!

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  20. OMG, you girls are awesome.

    I am seriously LMAO right now. Thanks for giving me that mental image to get me through the day.

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  21. Thank GOD I wasn't drinking anything when I read this. I could just imagine you laughing hysterically, like a crazy person while getting busted. I probably would have been scared of you!!;)

    Robward IS the size of the dildo. You should send him the pic!!!!!

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  22. Stacy (formerly SEJ207)May 1, 2009 at 9:00 AM

    Ladies (and I use that term loosely) - this could possibly be the funniest fucking think I've read in a long time! The thought of first you scouting out the perfect sex toys to accompany Edward in the photo, and second the fear of someone walking in on you - OMG, I was peeing my pants! Dilward, Pleasuredward, all very clever but seriously... he may go in ok, but those crazy, moveable arms might make the extraction a little trickyl!!

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  23. Ha ha! It is our goal to make you all crack up, even at the risk of losing our dignity... I think I've mentioned before the lack of social filters, right?

    And I do have the worse responses to uncomfortable situations. I was totally doing a Beavis & Butthead laugh when that lady came in. I think I may have snorted too.

    Dildward and Pleasuredward almost made me pee myself. We're going to have to start taking stock in Depends or something because you all kill me!

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  24. JJ & STY:
    1. Thank you for introducing me to FanFic! Love it!
    2. My husband thanks you for introducing me to Twi-Smut/Twi-Porn/Twi-rotica Fanfic. ;)
    3. Bcuz of this new world I have found, I am not sure when I will get a full 8 hours of sleep and/or 8 hrs of work done.

    HILARIOUS post! You guys never cease to amaze me and crack me up!!!

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  25. Wait, they have another site, twi-rotica? well I'm sure my job wont appreciate me looking that up at work so I will wait until I get home, which is probably for the best for all around me.How do you guys find this stuff.. love you

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  26. Stacy (formerly SEJ207)May 1, 2009 at 10:27 AM

    ATTENTION: Not sure if you guys have seen this one but it's by far the dirtiest I've read so far! Props to my pal KInTheFlo for digging this up - that dirty girl!

    http://www.fanfiction.net/s/4613348/1/He_Will_Never_Touch_You_Like_This

    I started reading it at work one day - big mistake as I'm sure my face was bright red! Edward has such a dirty mouth!!

    Enjoy!

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  27. @Stacy-Um, I think Dilward would need to be, ahem, re-shaped.

    @JJ-My friend and I always say, "That is what pantyliners are for." Amongst other things. I also love the Beevie and Butthead laugh reference--that is going to make me snicker all day.

    @PB--We are going to talk about your "Contact"--mostly just because I am really curious what exact line of business this "contact" is in.

    @Anonymous-Sorry if I ruined "Say it out loud!" for you but, come on--wouldn't it just be perfect? I, too, will never be able to watch that scene with out cracking up now.

    Happy Friday.

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  28. @vitaminR70 - I know that I'm going to think of 'say it. Out loud.' at the most (ahem) inappropriate time and totally crack up. Just sayin'...

    And your pantyliner comment made me snort.

    @Stacy - I am going to go blind from reading all this fan fiction. I can't wait to check it out. I can't read that stuff at work because I know I'll be sitting at my desk red-faced and squirming...

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  29. Bwa Ha Ha Ha! You've made my day!
    Hmmm I also have an action figure Edward....

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  30. stacy, im excited about that one. cant wait to get home to read it

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  31. LMAO I too would have busted out laughing. Good job!!

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  32. OMG! I think the people in the next office building heard me laughing!

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  33. ........... do you think we shopuld all buy mini-edwards and just try to top each others photos? i think i have so extremly akward ideas, lol

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  34. @GBMiniGirl - Don't you love shattering the silence of your office with giant guffaws? I'm pretty sure my boss thinks I'm nuts.

    @Werewolves - that sounds kinda dangerous, lol. If people start losing jobs (or limbs!) I'm not responsible!!!

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  35. Speaking of the office, I found PE on my desk yesterday in an interesting position . I took a picture, but not sure if I should post it. Maybe I'll email it to you. It's definitely Twi-porn related.

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  36. Bloody hell! I just snorted tea out of my nose all over my report! haha Thank god my boss is out today. I think your blogs should come with a "don't drink anything whilst reading this" warning.

    I too would have been giggling nervously in the shop looking like a complete twat and hoping to god that no one from work walks in. But the adrenaline rush must have great.

    Just started reading your blog thanks to TwiCrack, love her.

    Thanks for the real belly laughs you are brilliantly funny.

    TFIF! Sorry TGIF just doesn't cut it.

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  37. Thank you for the laughs! You guys are awesome!

    My boss just left.


    I have been giggling here for while and it gets tiresome pretending to be doing serious work.


    BTW - LOVE TwiCrack Too!

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  38. @GBMiniGirl - Sent it!! SEND IT PLEASE!! We love that shit! lol

    @Limey-1996 - Oops, sorry 'bout that. Stings like a bitch, don't it? lol. I keep paper towels at my desk just for those occasions.

    And I love TFIF! So true!

    @ScarletBlonde - lol! good thing your boss is gone!

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  39. @vitamin i am totes in the same boat with you...gotta stop reading this on state pc!

    @jj I soooo have some fabulously smutty ideas for EC photo ops...i may have to take a few. but you gotta promise not to tell anyone it was me if i send em to you! i gots a reputation to protect! *snort* HAHAHA

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  40. @ kdgrimmer and so begins the battle of the mini-edward photos????

    i think im goin to get a mioni edward this weekend...........

    Let the Games Begin?!?!?!

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  41. No probs, JJ the hot black tea nasal flush was definately worth it, even though I have no nasal hair left.

    Hey, if anybody has sinus problems, go make yourself a nice cuppa, sit down and read this blog it will do wonders for you, ha ha but don't forget the tissues.

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  42. BWAHAHAHAHA. genius.

    you know, i had already joked amongst friends that an edward dildo would be hilariously awesome, but this post and its comments just sealed the deal for me. im getting the patent on a glittery pale white edward cullen vibrator. ill be rich by the sounds of it. seriously. how his this market not been tapped yet in all of the twilight paraphernalia out there? lost opportunity on summits part. haha.

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  43. Seriously. I had to FORCE myself to continue reading the post once I got the gist of the set-up, making myself read each line and NOT just scroll down TO SEE THE PHOTO ALREADY! So worth it! I am glad you had the "balls" to wait it out & get the photo.

    I've been gone all day, had a lot of comments to catch up on. SO glad I was not drinking anything whilst reading!

    I'd also like to share a VERY true story from today. As we were driving to a friend's house for a playdate this morning, my 4 year old said "Momma, let's hear Bella's Lullaby." (yes, he's familiar with some of the songs on the soundtrack) Weird thing was, we weren't even on the Twilight playlist, we were listening to some Garth Brooks! I suppose I've planted the seed well????

    Off to find some smutty fic to read for tonight! xo ladies (if I can call us that! :)

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  44. PS - I had to clear my history this morning before our sitter got here, thanks to all the smut I've cruised the last couple of days. She knows I'm a Twihard, but wouldn't want her to know the smutty extent of it!

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  45. @VitaminR70 - I love your Dilward idea. Say it, out loud. It could have two phrases though, maybe something like "There's something I wanted to try. Hold still." Sorry, I probably ruined that line now, too.

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  46. @anne -bahahhahahahAA!

    I am still suck on "vampsicle" from the last post!

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  47. OMG! did I srsly type "suck"?? LOL i mean stuck!

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  48. HAHAHAH ...... go SUCK a Vampsicle!!! dirrty words near each other make me think of them in even dirtier ways........

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  49. @Anne--I am in total agreement--I love that line too! How about, "I feel very protective of you." "What if Im the bad guy?" Oh, the list goes on. We need options ladies (in my book you are most definitely ladies)! Programmable Dilward--you can choose from five catch phrases. Perhaps we could have some with Rob's regular voice as well--love that British accent. I know Rob has said some funny things in interviews that would be Dilward worthy but offhand I can't think of them at the moment.

    Vampsicle is giving me ideas too. I so wish I had more time to be creative.

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  50. @VitaminR70 - {thinking to self - don't go there, don't go there...}

    Erg, can't help it. If he says stuff, won't it sound kind of, um, you know, muffled?

    @kdgrimmer - HA HA HA! You said 'suck' - you totally have dirty-mind-syndrome now... talk about a Freudian slip!!

    @Anne - shit! I forgot to delete the history on my work computer Meh, the IT people know I'm nuts anyway.

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  51. @JJ--the speaker can be on the end silly. You dirty bird. That's it I am done for now. :)

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  52. lmao See my initial reaction would be: "Act natural, act natural. I stand in front of walls full of dildos everyday. This is completely normal." But I'd imagine I'd have a wide-eye crazy face, too. The fact that you laughed is icing on the cake.

    Yeah I'd say the finger tips on dildward would be a little on the scary side. Rob should consider doing some mold castings for something a little more natural. How tall is he again?

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  53. @vitaminR70 -Ohhhh. I see. Damn, you've really thought this through, haven't you? LOL!

    @Scarlet Phoenix - I laugh when I'm nervous or embarrassed - and it's usually a horrifying kind of laugh (ask STY). Frankly, I'm surprised she run from the room.

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  54. I feel the need to confess a little twitarded-ness here. I'm among friends, right?

    Last Thursday night, I was standing in line waiting to see a show in Vegas. I was a quite a few drinks into the night, and suddenly, it made absolute perfect sense to pull out the blackberry and see what was happening in the land of the Twitarded. So this is the post I read. Of course, I'm freaking out laughing, and my husband is all like, what's so funny? and I can't even tell him - because he has no idea how batshit crazy I am over this stuff.

    I do know that I have GOT to get me one of those action figure Edwards. I know, I know. I'm so late to the game, but I want in!

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  55. hahahaah. You made my day. My husband is on another continent. I am jobless. But i cannot stop laughing muuuwah

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