Friday, April 24, 2009

Open Letter to Twilight Haters

Screw you.

I kid, I kid! Honestly, I'm cool with you hatin' on us. Seriously. If I wasn't such a twitard, I'd probably hate me too. Lately, I've been trolling the web and visiting some of your blogs and sites. Damn clever, some of you are. Not nearly as slick as, say, me or STY (toot toot!), or a whole lot of other Twibloggers out there (Pssst - check our blog roll - oodles of brain-tingling funniness can be had at those sites!) but some of you definitely made me L-O-L. A few even got me LMFAO. Go you!

I thought about linking to your sites but that's just like opening the gates of hell. I imagine it's safe to assume that you folks are just as OCD as we are and will eventually meander your cranky asses over to our site and then it'll be like WWIII or something. While I always love a good fight, I'm not going to spend my day arguing the good and bad of Stephenie Meyer's vamp series, 'kay? Twitarded is not a democracy. Sorry.

Now, I don't speak for all Twilovers out there but it's come to my attention that there are some misrepresentations of the Twi reader demographic. I'll focus on us old biddies (and by old I mean over the age of 25. Really? You bastards!).

We realize this is not exactly 'high brow' literature. No one is clamoring to trade For the Whom the Bells Toll for Twilight. Honest. Yes, we like the books. We LOVE the books. We would make out with the books if it didn't get the pages all wet and muck up the dust jackets. It's just that we know that everyone needs a little 'brain porn' once in awhile. It's a silly story that tugs at us in just the right way. I don't bash you for looking at Hustler or whatever. Just think of Twilight as our version of a naked lady with big tits.

Nor are we a bunch of uneducated house fraus who sit around in our muumuus wishing our hubbies were Edward. We understand that it's just a story. Brain candy, remember? Sometimes War and Peace just doesn't cut it when you've had a long, tortuous day in the office. Sparkly vampires, on the other hand, do. I'll let you in on a little secret: Twilight isn't the only thing we read, 'kay?

We are not all fat, ugly virgins. Are you a four-eyed pasty freakster who chills in front of his computer all day? Maybe, but probably not. You don't like it when people slap stereotypes on you and we don't either. Now, I don't know what my fellow bloggers look like, but it's safe to say we aren't a bunch of drooling hags looking to jump some young guy's knob. In fact, from what I gather, most of us are married or at least shacking up with someone. Sure, we might talk about how Robward gets our motors revving but that's all it is... just talk. There isn't someone out there that plays a little part in your fanasties? Really? I think you're lying. I KNOW there is someone you fantasize about doing the horizontal tango with. Why don't you just admit it.

Do I wish Edward was real? Fuck no! If Vampires actually did exist that would be one more thing I would have to be paranoid about. I've got my hands full, what with the crackheads, thieves, murderers, and human sociopaths. I'd prefer not to add any mythological beasts to that list, ya know?


And speaking of sociopaths, I discovered something... interesting in my anti-Twilight travels (I can practically hear STY shrieking 'don't poke the bear!! DO NOT poke the bear!'). I'm not sure how much truth there is to it but apparently there are some Twifans who are a little... shall we say overzealous with their literary affections. I've stumbled across accounts of rabid Twifans attacking people with knives and bats. Or attempting to hack into anti-Twi sites. Um, really? Listen up, you crazy little twits: it's just a book (there. I said it.). Edward ain't going to save your pyscho ass when you're sitting in jail. And Jacob's too wholesome for a jailbird. Buck it up and accept the fact that not everyone agrees with you before you end up being roomies with Big Betty the homicidal maniac on Cell Block A.

Big Betty is calling top bunk, bitches.

35 comments:

  1. cool blog, i think i'll follow you guys :)

    check out my own Twilight blog:

    http://fortheloveoftwilight.blogspot.com

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  2. HELL YEAH!
    Ok, so I'm not over 25 or whatnot, but I agree with you on everything. I've tried to explain to this one girl who continuously makes it personal and calls ME pathetic and worse (while expecting to be my friend AHEM). She hates Twilight because it is not "literature" or smart or something.
    Well, I don't like Twilight because it's fancy shmancy read-in-World-Lit.-class "literature". I like it because it makes me feel good.
    No, her one-track mind does not comprehend that concept.

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  3. I agree. I would hate me and my twitardiness, except I'm me. And I embrace the silliness that is my obsession. And bottom line, I don't care what other people are reading, so why should anyone care what I read. I like Twilight. I like Edward. And I'm proud of it (of course, I say that here, somewhat anonymously, whereas in my real life I'd kill my husband if he outed me to my friends). Kthksbye!

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  4. You're giving them the attention they crave. But nice rant, nonetheless. :)

    And FYI, last time this 40-year old looked at herself in a mirror, I was fucking HOT!!

    By the way, one time when I was on a dating site, I posted Big Betty as my profile pic, lol. She got a lot of attention, too!

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  5. Excellent post :) Excellent.
    Have a great weekend!

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  6. "Just think of Twilight as our version of a naked lady with big tits."<---effin brilliant!

    I'll be turning 26 soon, so does that mean I'll actually be 47 in Twiyears? Probably.

    Me being married to a Twihater = good blog material. And further proves my point that most Twi-haters [including mine] are secret Twihards. But, even after several bamboo splinter torture techniques....they still won't admit it.

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  7. Wow. I'm living in a bubble. I didn't realize there were people that took the time to be haters and they're all high tech and shit and have their own blogs. :) I actually looked it up and the first one I came across, said no Twitards allowed. LOL. What did you say to them? Ahh, that made me laugh.
    A message to Twi-Haters:
    Oh, Twi-haters... As I actually could give a F*** if you like Twilight, I'm smart enough to know that my husband is not Edward (actually his middle name is Wolfgang and his nickname is Jacob!!! Arghh and he's half mexican, so he looks like he would be in the wolf pack.) but a girl can still fantazie, right? Oh Twi-haters, won't you let me have my fun?

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  8. JJ--so eloquently put as always. Over at PB's forum we have been throwing around some new acronyms. I say THWEE (To Hell With Everyone Else). Admitedly, I am now a little curious about the Twi-haters but I think I will resist for now and spend my time in the safe haven of fellow Twitards.

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  9. AMEN, SISTA-girl!!

    Haters, pshaw.. bring it.

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  10. Thanks all!

    @ danilovemuffin - I also have friend who get a tad a snooty about it and I just don't get it. I like ALL genres of literature - from the classics to the crap. lol.

    @Koolio - I'm cool with that. I haven't had flame war in a loooong time, lol.

    And I'm always amazed at this assumption that adult women who read Twilight are dumpy chicks with disappointing sex lives.

    @Tasha - living with a twi-hater is definitely great blog fodder! I love your stuff!

    @Honolulu Girl - actually I didn't say anything. I read their stuff, laughed at some, rolled my eyes at others and (gasp!) agreed with a few. lol.

    @vitaminr70 - Ha! THWEE - I like it. To be honest, I think most of the sites I visited disliked the Twifans more than the actual series. I came across A LOT of stories of teenage girls attacking people because they said something disparaging about the series.

    @Pillow Biter - LOL! If this starts a flame war, you may have to come to my rescue!! :)

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  11. OMG! So I checked out some haters cuz you piqued my interest. I wanted to hear a valid hater. So far they sound pretty cynical and bitter imho. 1st, no one is claiming this is defining literature. It's not a period piece a-holes. It's 100% fantasy. Who doesn't like fantasy? 2nd, it's not anti-feminist. Some of us are ok with being girlie, loved, etc. Those chicks who don't admit weaknesses are weaker than those of us who do, not to mention in denial, hello? (we don't all want to be butch) 3rd I'm sick of hearing how unoriginal it is. Really? If SM copied all the other "standard" myth definitions out there then it wouldn't be original at all. She switched it up a bit, BFD (big-effin-deal). Last I checked fiction can be made fiction anyway any writer so deams. I can't believe people are hating cuz other people like it. The whole reason I love it is cuz of the love story. Sappy, maybe, but it reminds me of when I fell in love. It brings back all that twitterpation that is exciting in the very beginning, true?
    Sorry about any hostility and the length.

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  12. I love this letter! I actually got 2 blogs, my family one and then I started one with friends-only after my family said they were tired of reading all about Twilight and its cast of characters.

    I am in my 30s and freaking adore Twilight!

    Anyway you can check my blog out: http://cullenhineytingles.blogspot.com/
    It is fairly new.

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  13. ha ha!!! Another winner from you guys.
    Plus I have been calling Twi porn for a while now.
    -Corr

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  14. I swear to all that is good and holy you have a window into my very soul! LOL

    Do I say that to often? Well then stop freaking reading my mind? Okay!? Thanks. :)

    I can't tell you how annoying it is to me when people assume #1 all I've read is Twilight #2 I don't know what a good book is because I've read Twilight and #3 I have to be 12 because I've read Twilight. I've verbally slap a few of my friends for being so ridiculous pulling out my "high brow" reading habits just to prove a point.

    I would LOVE to know what else you read! Truly. :)

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  15. @Scarlet Phoenix - I do see both sides to the 'feminist' issue. That being said, it's a romance novel - it is a bit formulaic because that's what sells, and it sells because that's what women enjoy. And, frankly, at the end of the series Bella isn't exactly fragile after all. I'm tempted to write a ridiculously boring post about the idea of femininity and how it pertains to Twilight.

    @Cathie - will definitly check out the blog! Thanks for the link!

    @-Corr - Twilight really is porn. There is no doubt about that! LOL. I do have my {puts on stoic pouty face} 'serious' novels that I enjoy. But I need a break from life every now and then. Twilight provides that.

    @cuteangieK - dang. I wish I was like Alice and could read the stock market, lol. :P It IS annoying when someone sees you with Twilight and assumes you're some dumb twit without a brain.

    My top favorite books? Well, anything by William S. Burroughs or Ayn Rand. They are two totally different worlds from one another but I am endlessly fascinated and captivated by both. To Kill a Mockingbird will always be on the top of my list, as will For the Whom the Bell Tolls. The Historian was beyond amazing and I recommend it to everyone. On the same note - Severance Package by Duane Swierczynski was just plain fucked up. I only bought it because the recommendation said 'if you want a three hour tour of murder and mayhem, this is the book for you'. And it delivered. I love to read and I read anything I can get my hands on. If you're interested I could certainly give you so many other recommendations.

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  16. @JJ- I am always interested in book recommendations. In fact, that's how Twilight ended up in my hands. I sent out a request for book recommendations on FB and a friend suggested Twilight. I need to find your email for sure. Tats and book recs!

    I adore To Kill A Mockingbird. And a friend just suggested The Sun Also Rises. I'll be honest; I HATED Old Man and The Sea. :) I'm taking a few English classes this semester so I've had no time for "personal reading" but I’ve already collect a ton of books for the summertime. (Like you need to know all this about me! LOL)

    My all time favorite book this year was East of Eden by Steinbeck, Catcher in the Rye by Salinger and I LOVED The Host... ::crickets sounding:: why doesn't anyone like that book? Why doesn't anyone talk about it?

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  17. I was never very fond of Catcher in the Rye but I have to say I really did enjoy The Host. I found the concept insanely intriguing.

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  18. ok, i'm brand new to this commenting stuff, so be gentle...

    THANK YOU.
    i could not agree more. i was the girl who always got top marks in english classes, who now has gotten yelled/scoffed at for reading and enjoying the hell out of twilight. i can't be reading "a portrait of the artist as a young man" every day of my life (not that it isn't brilliant); nor would i want to. sometimes i need to be silly and romantic!

    p.s. LOVED the post about BD (sex, pregnancy, etc). HILARIOUS. i enjoy some good smut just as much as the next 20 something. have you ever read anais nin's erotica? she has two books called "delta of venus" and "little birds" that are great. VERY mature though.

    just stumbled onto the site from twicrackaddict and i am LOVING IT.

    -jane

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  19. This is the first time I have posted on this blog. I think this blog is great and ditto about the haters.

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  20. @Jane - welcome to the club! Believe me, you are in good company here... Say it with me (or should I say "Say it. Out loud."): it's ok to be brainy and still [heart] Twilight. And yes, both JJ and I have read Anais Nin's work - it's no "Isle Esme" but it will do (I kid, I kid - but it's really apples and oranges there - you can't compare the two - lol!).

    : )

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  21. Amen!
    Kudos to you.
    No, seriously, I know all that shtuff.

    It's just my unfortunate fortune to come across a lot of tweens, preteens an' them on teh interwebz who aren't exactly the brightest of people and are quite rude to those who disagree with their opinion. They're usually absolutely shocked that someone doesn't like something they do and tend to say we can't say anything negative about, well, anything lest someone see it and we have no lives and blah blah blah. Oh, and they usually have awful spelling. (What DO they teach in schools these days?)

    Fortunately, I've also met a ton of awesome Twilight lovers, so it kinda makes up for that. :)


    Seriously though. You restore my faith in humanity. And you're totally right about the vampires. If they were real, there's no way in heck they'd be all cuddly and the perfect boyfriend and all. More like, you know, doing what vampires do best.

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  22. Hello. I'm a twi-hater, (sorry, but i'm here to give you nice comments)
    I think you gave a fair enough argument.
    Actually I don't really understand why twi-haters are actually hating on the fans. I think people who are addicted to books (whatever the book may be) is a very amazing and great thing. It's just the book I have a problem with.
    I am a Twilight BOOK and AUTHOR hater, and as for the fans, I have no problem.

    If a Twilight defamer is complaining about the fans, rather than the books, then they themselves do not hold much dignity.

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  23. Hey Angie! Thanks for your comment!

    I would bet that if you and I sat down and discussed the Twilight saga we would probably agree on a few points. We get that there are some... not so great things about Twilight. But we're cool with that.

    I think you might actually be the first hater (besides the Wamp but that's a long story) who has even been on this site!

    At any rate, hating or not, I hope you had a chance to look at a few other posts because, honestly, we kinda make fun of twilight. A lot. We're big fans of not taking stuff like this too seriously, ya know?

    Oh, wait, if you're under 18, I wouldn't suggest looking around, now that I think about it. :)

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  24. Hi there.

    I'm from an Anti-Twilight forum, and I think we'd better clear up some thing you've misinterpreted about us! (vicious cycle, huh?)

    Firstly, you say that we treat all Twilight fans as idiots, obsessive, rude, and pathetic. This is completely untrue for where I come from. I can't speak for all sites, but here, we only really 'hate on' Twihards, i.e. rabid Twilight fans, who are vicious, rude, irrational, and consider Twilight to be perfect and Meyer the next Shakespeare.

    The main problem here is that I'll bet that just like most of us aren't Nazi-esque rabid Antis, you guys are perfectly sane and rational people, but your calmness and saneness is completed overshadowed by the Twihards. By Twihards, I mean things such as the girls who sliced their necks open and asked Robert Patterson to suck their blood, as well as stalking him and getting him hit by a taxi.

    Hell, some of the more disturbing encounters from our own members and other sources around the internet include a pregnant woman who was told she should have a miscarriage because she doesn't like Twilight and posted a negative review, and a seven year old girl who disliked the series and said so had her goldfish murdered by her older brother's girlfriend. She literally stomped the poor girl's pet to death in front of her. I myself was called a 'fag' and was sprayed with paint.

    That is the nature of the Twihard, and that is what we hate.

    I really enjoyed reading this blog entry - I found it refreshing to find a Twilight fan who was willing to admit that Edward is a fictional character, and that the themes of the books are less than savoury. Thank you for speaking out against these rabid fans.

    Overall, I'm an Anti, and like most of us am happy, fulfilled, and doing well in life. We have no qualms about you liking the series (particularly considering that you seem to understand that it’s mere brain candy), and we certainly don't mind if you want to come and chat. =)

    And to some of the people in the comments – I think you’ll find that most of us are not going to come after you with rusty knives, and we certainly aren’t attention mongers. I joined an Anti-Twilight site because I was threatened, harassed, and generally hurt on other websites for having a less-than-perfect opinion on Twilight. To me, it started as a safe haven where I could speak my mind without being hurt, and I stick around for the fantastic community.

    Anti sites are also not indicative of secretly liking a series. We don’t spend all our time hating on a book series, and same way you don’t spend all your time loving on it. Like I stated above, most Antis joined because we simply had nowhere else to speak our minds (and yes, it is that crazy). I’m not going to go into my reasoning here, because it isn’t the time or place. Instead, I’ll link you to a fantastic, if informal summary of the Anti-Twilight argument:

    http://www.twilightsucks.com/forum/phpBB3/viewtopic.php?f=20&t=73

    I’m dismayed to find that some of you are having such negative encounters with Antis. This may be to a lack of tact on their part – some people have had equally negative encounters, or simply dislike the series to the point where they don’t like to talk or hear about it. May I suggest that you simply refrain from talking about Twilight with them? If they bring it up themselves, then all you have to do is respect their opinion and ask the same of them. Maybe if they realise that you care for the books as brain candy as opposed to the bible (again, I’m not joking about some of this obsessive behaviour), an understand can be reached.

    Finally, let’s just stop making assumptions on both sides, okay? We’re all people, and we’re all allowed to like what we please. Don’t let an encounter with a rabid Anti let you make a decision for all Antis, and we'll do the same for you. Let's stop all this hate, unite, and stand against the rabids. They're the ones who cause all this trouble.

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  25. Ah, it's nice to see someone that likes Twilight with some sense. I loved Twilight for a while, but after Breaking Dawn I realized how TERRIBLE it really was. Don't worry, I knew that the books were crappily addicting but I can only take so much. There's a fine line between girly fantasies and the book-version of Maury. I'm a hard-core Twi-hater not just because of the books. It's the retardedness that has spawned from these books. I'm gratefull that someone else has the brainpower to realize it.

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  26. this is angie again.
    yes I am over 18 haha.
    I'm an english lit. major, so naturally I guess, that made me hate the twilight series. The prose, the plot,.. the characters mostly...seemed a disappointment- a shame from someone who also majored in english lit.
    I never thought anything bad for people who are fans of these books though. I don't see why one has to hate the readers, when one hates the book. Although... I do feel a bit tingy with the fact that- there are so many books in the world that override the twilight series by a landfall- that are not read.

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  27. I HATE TWILIGHT SOOOOO MUCH THAT NEXT TIME I SEE A TWILIGHT FAN IM GONNA RIP OFF THEIR HEAD AND SHOW THEM WHAT A REAL VAMPIRE IS!!!
    Twilight has ruined vampires!!
    Vampires movies are supposed to have vampires sucking blood getting staked and stuff like that. BTW VAMPIRES DONT SPARKLE!!!
    EDWARD DOESNT WASH HIS HAIR AND LOOKS LIKE A DRUGGIE. I DONT GET WHY BELLA WOULD FALL IN LOVE WITH AN ALIEN LIKE HIM!

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  28. Well, I abhore Twilight. Simple as that. But I'm not bashing the fans. Not all of them anyway. What I do think is stupid is the "we all hate kirsten stewart" fanfage set up.Because they were jealous. It isn't real literature. There are much better books. it was all dissapointing in the extreme. Cleverly written, but not very good. My main problem with twilight is that young girls are being lead to believe that there is something as perfect as edward cullen (Rob Pat. was better in harry potter TBH and he shoulda stayed dead) and then they are feeling shit because they could never match up to it, like air brushing. It is counter productive - it isn't getting people into reading, it's creating otakonnas that won't hear reason. the 25+ Twitard isn't as bard. my problem is the young girls that read it. The only good thing was that the "vampire" didn't want to fuck the horny ugly whore until they were married.

    also: VAMPIRES DON'T GLITTER THEY BURN.

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  29. Must see these true twilight videos, especially last 30 sec:

    http://www.dailymotion.com/video/xbtc
    tt_true-twilight_shortfilms

    http://www.dailymotion.com/video/xbtctt_true-twilight_shortfilms

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  30. OK, I used to be a twitard too- when I was 14. I'm now a now a proud hater, and I was shocked and appalled to find that most posters said that they could find very few valid points in TwiHaters' blogs. 0.0 I mean, I get that none of you think Twilight is 'serious literature' but can you at least admit that it's poorly written, with plot holes as wide as the Grand Canyon? And as for being anti-feminist... Hello? Bella does nothing useful except FINALLY turn into a vampire after three books of whining and produce the most annoying mutant spawn in the history of... annoying mutant spawn. Edward the Emo has like, no personality. He puts vampires to shame. And I still think Bella is a b**** for the way she treats Jacob, the only goody-two-shoes werewolf I've ever encountered. But I could live with Meyer's Mary Sue/ Gary Sue characters and oh-so-original plot ideas if she could at least get ONE of her comparisons to the classics right. Romeo and Juliet is a story about infatuation, not love, and it's downright creepy to hear Meyer talk about it like it's the ideal love story. But at least R and J is well written and isn't pretentious. There are many better fantasy romance to be found. Frankly, there's better mind candy to be found.

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  31. Its a good story and everything, but it still cant stop a bullet.

    http://www.zug.com/live/85081/shr5/Can-the-Twilight-Saga-Stop-a-Bullet

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  32. This aritcle is the most hilarious, literate, and ruthless piece I've ever read on Stephenie Meyer and the pedophilic mothers who love Edward Cullen so much. This guy has said what I and other men have been thinking for so lon.

    www.stockyardmagazine.com/choppingblock/twilight-of-the-idles

    From what I can tell, the article is causing an uproar. Too funny.

    ReplyDelete
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