Monday, April 27, 2009

The Controversy in Breaking Dawn - SPOILER!!

WARNING - ADULT CONTENT ONLY. If you offend easily DO NOT read this post. I'm talking about sex, for crying out loud. You can't actually expect me to be all grown up about this, can you? We're talking dirty words. And words that you never knew were dirty until now. If you are someone who has found our blog to be a little too profane for your delicate sensibilities in the past, stop. reading. now. Really. Do yourself a favor and come back tomorrow. This goes double for you Mommy (not a)Jerkface. I love you but trust me, you DON'T want to read this.

I've been working tirelessly on this post but STY keeps throwing phrases out there like 'too inappropriate', 'EW! You CAN'T say that!!' and 'Too far! TOO FAR!!!

Now that we've got that out of the way - let's talk about sex, baby! Or, more specifically, vampire McLovin'!!

I've been thinking about this whole pregnant thing in Breaking Dawn. Let me preface this by saying, should any nit picky little bastards be reading this, I am fully, coherently aware that this series is fiction. On the flipside, if I just busted someone's bubble, sorry about that - you might want to see a therapist, though. Just sayin'. Oh and by the way, there's no Santa Claus, either.

First things first - let's discuss the actual 'doing' part of gettin' diggity with it. I know Bella woke up all kinds of bruised (personally, I think this is merely a mark of a good night) but that's all? Really? Losing your virginity hurts like a bitch when you're boinging a human boy, much less a vampire. Especially since said vampire apparently has flesh that's hard as steel. That takes being 'hard' to a whole new level, know what I'm sayin? I'm just thinking that Bella shouldn't be able to walk for a few days, maybe a month, that's all. And let's face it - if Edward is as godlike as he's described, than I think it's safe to assume he's well endowed in the schlong department. We're talking "magnum."

Bella - Are you sure we're supposed to be doing it this way? I think they do it the other way in movies...
Edward - I don't know. This is how Jasper explained it to me...

I know it's weird - I'm willing to suspend reality when it comes to a bunch of undead dudes running faster than the wind and being impossibly strong but I still question how Edward's little swimmers can survive when his balls are presumably as cold as ice cubes.

Edward's family jewels...

Which brings me to my next beef with the pregnancy. According to Stephenie Meyer her vampires have a venomous fluid in their bodies that lubricate their cells, eyes, etc. This is also what allows the male vampires to, ahem, get it up. Thing is, if Edward's internal system is made of venom then wouldn't his, well, his spunk be venomous too? And I'm thinking that making a deposit of venom inside Bella's love muffin couldn't possibly be... comfortable for her. I mean, it's venom. After all, Edward's love custard is responsible for creating half of Renesmee. And by half I mean THE half that fucks Bella up in a big old I-broke-your-spine-and-ribs-and-now-you're-dying kinda way.

Anyhoo, I can't help but think there is something about Edward knocking Bella up that just seems... kind of fucked (excuse the pun). I get that Renesmee (I HATE that name) is central to the whole story and all, but couldn't they have just adopted? There's GOT to be some kids left that Madonna and Brangelina haven't adopted yet, ya know?

P.S. - Am I the only one who finds the fact that SM (Stephenie Meyer, you dirty birds!) was all-too-willing to go into graphic detail about the ins and outs of vampire/human reproduction [pun intended...] but seemed appalled every time someone questioned what happened when Aunt Flo was in town???" or whatever... just a thought...

114 comments:

  1. I just need to say that JJ is a dirty little hussy and I officially absolve myself of anything having to do with this post.

    :)

    P.S. Don't listen to her when she says I thought it would be a good idea to discuss this topic...

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  2. OMG this may be the best post ever! Your content has all the other twiblogs beat :) I still want to know what happened when Aunt Flow was in town though!

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  3. I also wondered about his vampy man stuff being venomous! In fact, when Bella first started acting all tired, etc. I thought maybe the venom was already starting to change her or something. . .how wrong I was on that theory! I was shocked when she ended up pregnant because I just did NOT see it coming. I'm still actually trying to come to terms with it. :)

    Great post and never be afraid to tackle the "touchy" subjects!

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  4. So I guess I wasn't the only one that sadly missed those pages between arriving at the island and waking up the following morning bruised and bathed in feathers??! I thought someone had played a cruel joke on me and ripped out the best part! I mean, shit, I was hoping for a good half dozen pages of smutty-smut-smut.... But then, I sadly remembered this was written for the PG13 crowd and had to let my imagination run wild (until of course, I discovered the world of pornographic fan fiction Twi-style!!) Keep up the good work ladies - I fucking love this blog!

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  5. JJ you take the cake with this one! I was trying to pick out my faves but I can't...Love Custard, Spunk?? Priceless!! I am in 100% agreement with you on the name of Renesmee, I like that about as much as I like the phrase Holy Crow and Snarf! LOL I always found it kinda odd that SM totally shied away from the Honeymoon scene but went all crazy graphic with the birthing scenes...

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  6. OK, first off let me just openly profess my admiration right now ( I was going to say love but thought that might be a little over the top. You know we have all been wondering and thinking about this in one form or another. I had a really hard time buying into all the plot "twists" in 'Breaking Dawn'--I never dreamed she would get knocked up. I, too, wondered about the periods being an issue while reading the series. I guess the plus side is that in movie form Rob is just too fleshy to look marble-like and it makes it all much more believable--ha! As for the venom/"love custard", well, um, well, he is dead, therefore there are no swimmers. Simply, she just shouldn't have been able to get preggers. BTW I also cannot stand the name Renesmee...like I seriously groaned out loud in disgust when I first read it--that name alone nearly ruined it all for me.

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  7. The warning alone made me realize this post was for the win.
    Absolutely brilliant!

    The whole period thing has always freaked me out. And honestly, I've never given thought to Bella's walking ability the day after... How was she able to walk???

    @Melanie Farrell - I completely agree. The content on this page is extremely original. Keeps me coming back for more.

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  8. i hate prudes, therefore i love you and this post. about aunt flo..it's kind of like in anchorman when brick says the thing about bears and how "they can smell the menstruation." wouldn't a fucking vampire be able to ya know...tell? COME ON SM. and don't get me started about renesemee (gag me) was the girl who jacob imprinted with...ugh...

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  9. Was it me or did Edward turn into a giant puss after (gag) Renesmee was born? I'm Team Trilogy fo sho

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  10. Ok, as for me and reading Breaking Dawn. I never thought about mother nature visiting once a month, cuz I still couldn't get past the nasty, nasty, nasty feeling I was having reading about their uh, sex life. I'm sorry, when SM writes that the bed frame was broken, I was like DAMN, that's some good ass sex and my love for Edward went to another level. I couldn't help smile while reading the book and letting my imagination run wild with (screw Bella) thoughts of me and Edward. Let's just say, my hubby was probably like my wife sure is spunky these days.

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  11. if Edward has flesh like steel..wouldn't he just have a permaboner??? and the birthing scene was the most disturbing thing I've ever read. It left the most disgusting image in my head. i was nauseous for weeks. He ripped the god damn demon child old with his teeth for Christs sake! i lost all respect for Edward after that. Thank you for this wonderful and hilarious post. It totally needed to be called out.

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  12. this post is hilarious! (i know i say that about all of em, but its true) I personally liked Breaking Dawn...a lot. but I did think about Bella being able to walk the next day! fo sho!! cuz the hubster is no vampire but I've definitely had issues walking the next day after certain sexcapades! ..too much??? =D
    love the post!!

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  13. I totally second what the "Anonymous" poster said! ;)

    When I read that Edward ripped "she who shall not be named" out of Bella's body with his freaking teeth, I immediately ran to tell my husband, who is a horror lovin' fanatic. Might be one of the most disturbing things I have EVER read. I just kept thinking about it.

    How is that okay but we are left with Bella and Edward standing in the water holding hands, then end scene? What the heck?? And all the rest of the sex scenes just NEVER made any sense...

    Maybe you are on to something Honolulu Girl, maybe those kinds of things are best left to the imagination... Geez wiz I'm about to sleep very well. ;) LOL

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  14. "Thing is, if Edward's internal system is made of venom then wouldn't his, well, his spunk be venomous too?"

    Of course! And in fact, his mighty morphin spooge did fuck Bella up pretty good, didn't it?!

    When I read through the series at vampire speed, I knew I missed a lot so I'm glad I'm reading through them again for a second time because I totally missed the part about Edward ripping out Reneesmee (or however you spell that stupid name. Right there with ya', JJ!) with his teeth. Now that's messed up! I'm thinking as Mormon as Stephenie Meyer is, she was smokin' some serious crack that day.

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  15. Dear dirty-minded Twitarded readers,

    Since everyone here seems to be on the same page, let me know if you want to read/know about a pretty good (imho) piece of fanfic that I found describing the honeymoon. It has everything Stephenie Meyer left out (and I do mean EVERYTHING - we're talking uber-"M-for-mature" here). (Fine fine I squawked at this post for a number of reasons but JJ knows I'm just as much of a smut-monger as she is--that's why she loves me so much.)

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  16. Stacy (formerly SEJ207)April 28, 2009 at 8:29 AM

    STY - Give up the dirty FanFic will ya??!

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  17. STY-I agree with Stacy, we need the twi-porn!

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  18. Thank you everyone for your kind comments!! I'm glad you like the post. And, frankly, you guys are a bunch of fucking pervs. Yay! I love that, too! lol.

    @ all who don't like Renesemee's name - I think I actually I groaned when i read it. Possibly threw book across the room. I mean, really? Really? I still can't pronounce that damn name.

    @ all who wonder about Aunt Flo - I actually have to thank STY for that one because she pointed it out to me while I was working on this post (and trust me, STY is a secret agent slut, don't let her little act fool you). For some reason, I was more focused on Edward's penis and his fluids and didn't even realize that Bella doesn't get her monthly the ENTIRE book.

    My reaction to Edward ripping baby out of Bella was something along the lines of...
    'THE FUCK!??!' lol.

    You guys are the best!!

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  19. Love it, best thing I have ever read. I personally thought Breaking Dawn sucked, sorry but it did, Renessme? cmon, really? And, I waited 4 books for Edward and Bella to do it, and it was the most anticlimactic sex scene in the history of sex scenes.....thing is when I read about Edward, id get wet, so how could the sex they have be so lame. Dang it! Anywhoo....this is the best most refreshing post I have seen in awhile, you are the shit!

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  20. Anonymous, I so am on the same page as you! All through the series we got hot build-ups to passion and I read B.D. with eager anticipation knowing that this is where she finally gets it good....God, I was so disappointed at there not having anything descriptive about them doing it. I was actually curious to know how it went..not from a dirty sex point of view but "HOW". Edward was this super-powerful vampire with skin as hard as marble. He could "crush her skull" with one accidental knock of his hand...how the hell did they manage the nookie? lol

    I did enjoy Breaking Dawn, but on a disappointment with the lack of sex-descripto: 9/10 :-(

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  21. Come on guys and give up the link already!!! I promise I am off age (37 to be exact:))

    I agree with everything--stupid name, disappointing honeymoon, least fave book of the series. I could see the pregnancy coming as soon as she woke up super hungry but I still don't buy SM's explanation.

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  22. The honeymoon WAS disappointing. BD was disappointing in general and I really did roll my eyes when Bella got preggers, lol.

    STY is working on getting that link to you all. I'm waiting, too. She didn't give the link to me either!

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  23. I think this is my fav post so far.

    Wait....yep! It is.

    Mainly because you said love custard. LOL!

    Ok, well I kinda have this BIG issue (lol) with Breaking Dawn. It just doesn't flow with the 1st 3 books, for me at least. The whole "Nessie" storyline. The WHOLE thing! The non-sex scenes, the alien conception, the "birth" (baaarrff), and then the most ridiculous of all...Jacob's IMPRINTING?

    WTF?!

    How did his hard-as-steel member not split her in two? Seriously?

    And I can't wait to see how they're going to pull this shit off with a PG-13 Rating. LOL...good luck Melissa Rosenberg.

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  24. This post just made my morning. I can't stop laughing. This sounds like a conversation my friend and I have about Breaking Dawn all the time.

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  25. i'm in tears..this is hilarious!!!!!!

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  26. You guys are all gonna hate me, but you'll have to wait until tonight for me to find the link and post the fanfic for you (actually I have a few choice ones to share - to her credit, JJ is totally 100% right about me). Unfortunately, even I have limits to what I can get away with at work and searching for vampire-porn-fanfic is probably pushing things a little to far... Sure, I would have more time to blog if I was unemployed, but all I would be writing about at that point would be how much I hate eating ramen noodles for breakfast, lunch and dinner.
    :)
    Good things come to those who wait! [And I am glad that you all aren't here in person since I have the feeling that I would be ducking a bunch or hurled objects right now...]

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  27. the renessme storyline is the worst part of all of the books. seriously. as i was reading breaking dawn my emotions went from happy sappy, to turned on, to "OMFG NO"!, to "i think im gonna be sick", to "wow i could have done without all of that".

    im of the opinion that there should have been a great honeymoon and then some kind of intimate scene between edward and bella where he changed her. then let the story end on fun times with bella as a vampire. not with creepy half mutant babies and the most boring vampire war ever.

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  28. @ Tasha - lol!! I'm not the type who tries to figure things out when I read fiction I saw the whole Jacob/Renesmee thing coming and when it dawned [ha!] on me that Bella was going to have a girl and not a boy and that Jacob was going to imprint on her, I called JJ IRATE and freaked the eff out about it. GAG!

    And yeah, can't WAIT to see how BD comes to the big screen - they should get Ridley Scott to direct - at least he has the whole "birth ripping out of the stomach"-thing down pat from his work on "Alien" - lol!

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  29. also... sorry if someone said this but i didnt read ALL the comments, but i was reading some fanfic that totes explained the auntflo issues so well. i think it was "the list" by laura cullen. you should all read it, cause its fab.

    in it she explains that its a bit different composition with all the dead lining etc so its not as appealing. and they are used to it seeing as everyone around them in a highschool is obiviously raggin. they can smell it, and they are kind of attracted to it, but its not like straight up fresh blood that makes them go crazy. i thought it made alot of sense and im glad someone addressed it cause it has bothered me since i first read the books.

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  30. STY... speaking of "Alien". one of the funniest things the internet has given me....

    http://i4.photobucket.com/albums/y120/ktdid627/LOLTWILIGHT.gif

    ok im done spamming the comments. lol.

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  31. Snarkier, gimme dat CrackFic!! Me Want Now....

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  32. the ending of BD is a really anti-climax and i think guys won't enjoy the movie as much as twilight. imagine that summit use the confrontation with the volturi scene as a trailer and at the end there is no fight at all! WTF! of course i agree with the rest that bella's pregnancy and the name Reneesme is really lame; maybe SM had a writer's block at that time when she was spinning the story.

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  33. Ok, one more comment. I think it's funny how we can reflect back on BD and some of us are grossed out by some of the scenes and some of us, (hmm, I'm talking about me of course) are total pervs just smiling away but the minute we hear there maybe some good Twi-porn out there. We're like 'GIVE ME THE LINK'. That's got me laughing and it's all in fun, because we're twitarded, right?

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  34. "Love custard" lol!!!! Oh, and I was annoyed with the fact that she could give us such graphic details of the birth, but faded to black when it came to the sex scenes.

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  35. Dude, STY, I think you might need to leave work early and work on getting those links up - we're going to have rabid pervy Twi fans banging down our doors!! LOL.

    Glad I could make you all laugh!

    The whole imprinting thing just plain pissed me off. Listen, I'm all cool with love custard and all, but the imprinting thing is just fucking creepy.

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  36. oh well this is just the best post ever!!!!

    yeah-the whole story line was a bit f**ked up-but without the *f**k*-I get it, PG13 and all that, but like someone above said, SM was happy to go into the Gore of the birth-but oh no, dont mention the wedding night!!!! Jeeeez.

    How the hell are they gonna film that? LOL
    Good times
    -Corr

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  37. two words - "love custard" Total. Effing. Genius!!!! you guys are SO funny and I'm totally looking forward to the fanfic you pic. I hadn't even heard of fanfic before Meadow at Twilight-Headed talked about it on their blog and now I am a TOTAL ADDICT. Truly, it's a sickness. And while my husband is loving it (because of the super hotness it inspires), it's still kind of shameful, no? No? Or should we just accept that whatever floats your boat is good stuff and not make value judgments? That sounds better!!

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  38. I am so loving the Love Custard! That is great! Great Post!

    I love fanfiction. I need the smut.

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  39. @STY:
    Where's it at already. I don't do suspense too well.

    @Heather:
    I'm feelin ya! All I read now is fanfic. I'm not ashamed though! Keeps me entertained and up until 3am...but whatever. =]

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  40. I hate to post comments and acknowledge the fact that I am a twitard too- but alas, here I go. I didn't mind breaking dawn. Was I disappointed at the total lack of a more intimate sex scene for the honeymoon?- YES. especially since SM went into a good bit of detail in the other books about their non-sex escapades with the kissy kissy. :) I expected a bit more, because the honeymoon was even milder than anything previously mentioned in the first 3 books. Assbackwards if you ask me. Second, thought the Reneseme (sp?) was a odd name- I understand her wanting it to be unique- but lets make it easier to say, shall we? I DID think about the vamp-spunk and it's venom potentials- but chalked it up to "you can't explain em' all" theory.. along with the actual love-bumping act as well- again, I thought of huge faults but "You can't explain em' all..or else the book would be fully lack of ALL the lovin-bits" came back into play for me. Even the hubby-who I got to read all 4 books; asked about it!! lol- I just read it at face value and tried to ignore the parts that didn't make sense in our reality. since it is, after all, a book. I thought the birthing part was great. Gross? yes. give you a good mental picture-awesome peek into darker vampire ways? Yes. So, I was not appealed-but it made me want to continue reading. And lastly- Jacob imprinting. Gross. Cant' get over it. maybe because I have a 5 year old- but seems too pervy for me. Even after SM *tries* to explain it away when the other wolf pack guy imprints on that toddler- and then for Jacob too. explain away Mrs. SM-it's STILL pervy. that was really the ONLY actual complaint I had for the entire sagas. I took the rest at face value and enjoyed it for what it was-and tired not to overanalyze and go into realistic detail, or else I would make myself disappointed, which I didn't want to do.

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  41. appealed=appalled. Sorry for the typo..

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  42. I think I might know what fanfic STY is talking about. I am going to post it, and in case they are NOT the same, then YAY we'll all have two smutty things to read (at home, of course...sigh.) This one is called The List, by Laura Cullen. It takes place after Eclipse and before BD. It's basically Bella getting all frustrated because of Edward's need to wait. So she makes a list, and actually, after you get past some of the verbiage, it's really really well written. When I say I had a hard time reading it at first, its NOT because I am a prude, but it was weird to hear B&E saying words like panties, well...that's about all I will say here. Edward is too stodgy to say some things that he says in this fic, but once you get past the wording being un-SM, then you;ll love it. And actually, the fic is REALLY well thought out - she continues each character, does several diff POV's, and besides all the "lemons" (I am now fully schooled in the insider fanfic terms...), it feels to me like it could have actually been part of the real books. Edward & Bella are inhumanely sweet to one another, Alice is hilarious, AND...THIS AUTHOR HAS THE BALLS TO EXPLAIN THE WHOLE MONTHLY DEAL!!!!!!!!! As a 34 year old mother of two, and who's youngest was only a month old while i was reading the Saga, all I could think of was LOGISTICS of babymaking. I'm not a teen, I am hyper aware of my ovaries, cycles, etc. So I was VERY interested to see SM's explanation of a vamp/human baby, and how it came to be. But was so mad she never explained how the CUllens (Jasper esp) could walk the Forks High halls & not take down some chick who was having Aunt Flo visit.

    ANyway, that was way too long. Need to get the kids fed...ENJOY THE FIC! Am going to post two fic links that I love. Start with the first...

    http://www.twilighted.net/viewstory.php?sid=2026 (The List)
    also, read her other story - it's really good (While You Were Gone)

    this next one is an alternate universe, but it's incredible:
    http://angstgoddess003.livejournal.com/699.html

    As always, LOVE your site. Keep up the great posts!
    xo

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  43. finally someone said it!

    When she didn't write the sex scenes but just hinted at them, all this tention rising and than being told of by a pillow and feathers really sucked! I did'nt expect porn but i did expect something hot and heavy!!

    And you think this blog is disturbing??? Well please have a look inside inside my mind and be shocked out of your mind!

    (ps. sorry for speling mistakes, i'm dutch i cant help it!)

    greetings from A 25 year old twillight obsessed woman from the Netherlands;)

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  44. THE. BEST. BLOG. EVER.

    Thank you, I needed that.

    Cheers.

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  45. I think I may re-read BD, just to insert some of the comments here... I don't think I will be able to eat any custard for awhile...

    Great Friggin' Post!!!

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  46. This post genuinely makes me love you. Thank God I never like custard.

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  47. I am totally laughing over everyone going on and on about Aunt Flo because the obvious came to my mind...a vampire's wet dream, going down on a gal who's on the rag.

    Sorry, I just had to put that one out there. ;)

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  48. Aw shit, we love you, too. All of you! LOL. I have to admit I am very surprised that I got so many comments. I mean, here I am, thinking all I'm special and stuff with my dirty ass mind and... you guys are just as sick as me!! That is the best!!!

    I have to admit - I find great irony in the fact that we are such addicts of a pretty tame love story but we're actually all slobbering little perverts deep down inside. I just got mushy for all of you. But in a good way, ya know?

    And I'm really, really sorry if I ruined custard for any of you. Just don't think about it the next time you eat a Boston Creme donut...

    Oh, and I mentioned to ML that I used 'love custard' and he was actually aghast. Seeing as how we live to gross each other out... score one for this bitch!!

    Who knows, maybe one of these days STY and I will compile our erotica books and start a critiquing blog. 'Cuz trust me, we've got a lot...

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  49. We are stil waiting....we know you are home from work!! Or are you nothing but a tease ?!?

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  50. Also, there is this blog that I found via one of the fic writers I recommended above... it's an all-Twilight fanfic site. They seem to feature different writers, etc. I've not had the chance to poke around on it too much (huh huh...I said poke around), but it seems like all of us here were pretty addicted to a fairly tame love story - and this might be fun way to supplement the "fade to black". The interesting thing is that what I think we are all clamoring for is not just smut, but smut based on love. Because Stephenie obviously wrote an epic love story. We just want some lemons to go with it :)

    http://www.pervpackssmutshack.com/?zx=8a5aee2d901c4ef6

    again, thanks for this awesome post! I actually like BD, and to be honest, the ripping the baby out was not so bad for me....what was appalling to me was the NAME :) Gah! I read somewhere that originally SM had Rosalie named "Carol" and so forth for some of the other characters. But Renesmee? Seriously!

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  51. Ok, my LAST post, I promise! I got so excited about this topic and my need to share the smutty fanfic link that I didn't read all the previous comments thoroughly. But KT already posted about the same fic I recommended - The List by Laura Cullen. As I said earlier, it's at Twilighted.net VERY good. And also she provides her take on the whole period deal, which as we all thought NEEDED to be explained!

    anyway, here's one other fanfic that is very awesome, besides The List and Wide Awake (both links provided above somewhere!)

    http://www.fanfiction.net/s/4764216/1/The_Submissive
    http://www.fanfiction.net/s/4918631/1/The_Dominant

    Don't blame me if you stay up too late!!! (another bonus, The Submissive is complete, whilst The List, Wide Awake, and The Dominant are not...talk about being left hanging!)

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  52. CUSTARD!!!! HA!

    Nuff said. Love it.

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  53. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  54. @Koolio - I have no idea how I missed your commet - maybe my mind was so horrified by it. Or maybe it was the fact that I couldn't stop laughing. That is simply priceless. That comment is like a fine wine - the perfect blend of 'fucking gross' with just the riiiight texture of humor. Love it!

    Congratulations to Koolio - she wins the 'Ew, Did You Just Say That?!' award. :)

    I believe STY posted some links - check 'em out! I'm thinking we might make a 'smut night' once a month or something, which means that STY and I have a lot of reading to do...

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  55. I LOVE this. questions i've been asking since i read it. my friends and i figured it's probably like having sex with a popsicle. ice burn anyone?? it reminds me of the time i slid my face across the rink while ice skating...and my hoo-ha is much more sensitive, i'm sure. ouch.

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  56. Wow...I gotta say, I'm pretty disappointed. I thought this was supposed to be "bad" and "dirty"... ?

    Saying balls and spunk hardly qualifies a lengthy warning intro...

    What a let-down, dude..

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  57. Awesome post. I cant wait to check out the links!

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  58. Something else that you didn't mention that bothers me greatly is the fact that Edward has no freakin' heartbeat - how the hell is the venom supposed to get around his body in order for him to get it up.

    Well... I suppose, she said vampires' bodies were as hard as rock anyway, but you'd think the human characters would notice the Cullen guys walking around with constant boners (and you know that the Volturi scenes would be lightened up a heck of a lot more if all of *them* were "standing to attention" during the confrontations too).

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    1. Yeah, you wonder about his blood not circulating, how the hell does he get it up?

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  59. HA! Sometimes, it's so refreshing to question the nitty gritty :)

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  60. You know what still pisses me off? The fact that clumsy Bella thought that shaving her legs before sex with a vampire was a good idea. The hell, Bella? Even I can't shave without nicking myself at least once!

    Excellent post, Twitards. Nail on head.

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  61. Ok, first of all- you are the second person to talk about what "spunk" really is. The first was my bestie, who also informed me of the real definition of "Pillow Biter." Whatever. I'm naive and virginal, ok?

    Second, where TF have I been today? Under a rock? This post effin' rocks! You raised (lol- I said "raised") some seriously fantastic issues that I never even considered because I go into my own happy place every time I even think about Robward, much less his schlong. Wowsers, I'm doing it again.

    I applaud you. Fantasmic post.

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  62. STY and JJ, I am 100% behind smut night. DH is too. :)

    ReplyDelete
  63. Can't stop smirking, Great post! This is my first visit to the blog after following TwiCrack Addict here. You all are a riot, But seriously the fade to black wedding night didn't bother me as I was easily able to fill in the blank. I'll be back!

    ReplyDelete
  64. This post was refreshing.

    I would like to ask/raise a question: In BD the first time that E&B have sex as vampires Bella comments on the fact that they would never get tired.... well I got to thinking.... I can't believe Edward ever "finishing" while Bella was a human. I mean come on now, who would if you could go on forever? Which then leads to no love custard for creating Reneesme.
    Anyone think of this also?

    I also was very disappointed in the sex scene :0(. I actually thought I was missing pages, lol.

    ReplyDelete
  65. oh my...that is the funniest thing I have read in a while, Thanks for sharing your "theories"

    ReplyDelete
  66. I have to admit, I've thought about naked buff Edward so many times I should be arrested! I've wondered myself about the venom, and if Edward got erections wouldnt it be..ahem..cold as a popcicle...A gigantic popcicle? AND wouldn't there be bleeding during her first penetration? Wouldn't he go all Jaws on her? Just a tid bit; the cold actually makes a man more fertil. When you try to get pregnant on purpose a man should wear cold packs near his boys. Dont ask how I know that because my kids were all accidents. LOL! I agree about Renesmee, though. I kind of think SM only did that because of Jacob. To keep him in the story. Personally I could have done without the baby and Jacob. It changed everything. I skip through the Jake parts anyway. THANKYOU for this topic. I hate the hypocrates who 'tsk' when you mention sex. Smut is what makes the world go round. ;) Or atleast mine.

    ReplyDelete
  67. OH MY GOD LUNNA LOVELY! I haven't laughed so freakin hard like this in a long time. The Volturi standing at attention...I swear, I'll be looking for that during New Moon. THANKS! LOL!

    I feel like throwing open my window and shouting, IM NOT ALONE! THEIRS MORE WARPED PEOPLE LIKE ME!

    ReplyDelete
  68. Yes yes, Renesmee, awesomely bad. I actually called my boyfriend cross country to tell him about it.

    Now on to the important things...

    I totally didn't think about the period thing! Gives eating out a new kind of pleasure for the guy...

    Wait, SM said that venom coats their cells? I totally missed this - I always wondered about the erection issue.

    ReplyDelete
  69. Brilliant, truly brilliant! These are all the things that confuse me about the whole Edward and Bella getting freaky thing! :P

    ReplyDelete
  70. Totally agree with this post and with many of the comments. I'm glad someone wrote about it cause there are many adults out there that read the books, and even young teenagers shouldn't be considered as not curious and illogical not to say "stupid".
    For all the reasons you mentioned, I'm dying to know what is the cast reaction to this 4th book?? Rob and Kristen are pretty logical people,they are doing their job seriousely, so how are they going to make it "sound right"??? I'm even wondering if they want to do the 4th film?? Breaking dawn is the only book that THE SCRIPT WRITER SHOULD BRING HUGE CHANGES TO IT, seriousely I wouldn't mind!!! especially the imprinting thing: must be really awkward for poor Taylor. Has SM ever expressed her self on this topic?? and yeah I completely forgot about that savage birthing scenes!!!and the venom in her body???WHAT????
    I think all these things that are difficult to believe even in a vampire/werewolf world come from the fact that there is NO REAL SACRIFICE when Bella becomes a vampire (she is kinda the only one who had both human advantages, and then vampire ones)I mean having sex when still human is a pretty good idea, otherwise she would have remained a frozen virgin!!!but really? being pregnant and having a child who is going to "sort out" her Jacob's friendship problems????? *perplexed*
    I am really dying to see Kristen's and Rob's face when reading that. I think they are the only ones who may find a way to convince me in the movie, as they did for Twilight.
    BTW I love the Twilight Saga very very very much, but this doesn't prevent me of having a critical point of view.

    ReplyDelete
  71. ummmm....I think I wrote a lot sorry :D
    Edward breaking the furniture when having sex really makes me talkative *sigh*

    ReplyDelete
  72. Wow! You all made my morning. Just discovered this site and I'm thrilled! I'm a 40 something old Twi-Tard who thought BD was the worst, silly disappointment of a book for the many reasons above - from the lack of the wonderful steaminess of the previous book to the many ludicrous plot twists - to the 'R' name - to the absolute depletion of Edward's character to the lackluster ending. In spite of the practical problems of vampire/human sex, we all still wanted more than a recollection of torn pillows! Well, if the Twilight movie was any indication, I don't see what the concern is about BD movie. apparently important scenes (THE MEADOW -AARRRGGGG) can be hacked apart, so I'm sure they'll manage to make a tame BD. We can only hope they wise up and make it, at least, hotter!!!!

    ReplyDelete
  73. Hahaha! Finally someone other than my sister and I who tore this up. I agree I was actually waiting for some good details on Bellas first time and with Edward at that. Boy did he have self control that all he left were feathers and bruises, and I admit I NEVER thought she was going to get pregnant!! I mean how could she possibly get pregnant with poisonous, cold sperm?!? The fact that it flowed is amazing (lol) talk about stiff stuff (sorry) The whole pregnancy was retarded but none the less the book was entertaining. I second the motion I HATE the name Renesme!!

    ReplyDelete
  74. Yeah, my kid sister had read the books before me, so as I was finishing BD, I kept texting her going "A vampire baby, WTF?!?!" and "EWWWW He chewed her out!!" and "DUDE. Jacob just imprinted on Bella's baby!?!" (which, for some stupid reason, I totally didn't see coming). She'd just giggle and go, "Yeah, I know."

    And "Renesmee" -- To this day, every time I see that, it's pronounced "REE-nuh-smee" in my head. Such a stupid name! But I just chalk that up to Bella -- She's a bit off, anyway, especially at that point.

    However, I will need to see this fanfic also. The honeymoon scene was terribly disappointing. And dude, even the kiddo girls reading the books get their periods -- How IS that dealt with?! I know that the books were originally created to be PG-13-teenybopper stuff, but things progressively got darker. And by the time BD rolled around, Stephenie HAD to know that her audience had expanded as well. And then, imagine my shock as a major horror & gore fan, when the child was birthed...Yikes! I'm still trying to picture that in the movie!!!

    Thanks for touching on all this, that no one else wants to talk about!

    ReplyDelete
  75. Thanks a LOT you wonderful Twi-Sluts (take no offense, I guess I am one too)I'm supposed to be working on a term paper and spent all morning reading TwiPorn. Don't get me wrong it was worth it - especially the first Isle Esme one (good capturing of SM style). It didn't answer all the questions about vampire physiology but it sure warmed up MY insides!

    ReplyDelete
  76. So here's my question:

    If Edward is so stong that he could crush Bella's skull if he moved his hand too fast, how did his lil' swimmers not blast the hell out of her?

    From the way SM describes Edward, at least in my mind, I was expecting there to be a major eruption, a la Old Faithful or something. And if the sexcapade was as vigorous as SM eludes to, Bella would not be able to walk afterwards! I mean come on, she wasn't even sore at all?!?! Just bruised. I know it's sci-fi, but SM painted a picture she wanted to make believeable and then she delivers BD. And Reneesme? I won't even say the name I hate it so much....maybe SM shouldn't have signed on for 4 books when she obviously didn't have enough good material to get past 3 1/2.

    ReplyDelete
  77. That's it. We are no longer Twitarded. We are Twislutty!! LOL! I am absolutely sobbing at my desk from some of these comments!!! My boss keeps asking me what's so funny and I obviously can't tell her. You guys really crack me up!!

    We love nothing more than to make you guys laugh (and get a little hot and bothered, too).

    ReplyDelete
  78. You all are killing me! Loved this seriously!

    Stacy (SEJ207) said...
    So I guess I wasn't the only one that sadly missed those pages between arriving at the island and waking up the following morning bruised and bathed in feathers??!

    ^ No, you are not. I am really hoping for some HOT deleted scenes on the DVD...not that I want to wait that long!

    *skips off to find smutty Twilight fanfics*

    ReplyDelete
  79. All this talk about Venomous Vampire Love Custard (good name for a band?) got me thinking (laughing too) and I think I've come up with a solution for the MANY BD problems. Let's have the wedding take place, as in BD - Jacob gets pissed, turns into a wolf and goes to Canada to make puppies with some she-wolf; that takes care of him (no apologies I'm NOT a Jacob fan). OK, so the honeymoon starts out the same, only we get some DETAILS! Hey, if we don't get the down and dirty on the pillow-biting climax, at LEAST some of the romantic foreplay leading up to it- Stephanie did a good job with that in Eclipse (I'm sure I'm not the only one who has sweaty thumbrints on p. 185!). Then the venomous spunk doesn't impregnate Bella (we've all talked about the problems with that) but instead, it transforms her into a vampire. After 3 days she's cold, hard and can be hot and happy with Edward 24 hours a day. They live happily ever after with NO RENESMEE - NO HORRID BIRTH SCENE - NO RIDICULOUS JACOB IMPRINTING - NO LAME VOLUTURI FINALE! We can be left with a happy, lusty image of Edward at his best. Sound good Twitarded Twisluts?

    ReplyDelete
  80. For one, I think this blog post is hilare! I was linked here through a FB Twilight group, "Because I read Twilight I have unrealistic expectations in men".

    I do find it odd that Stephenie Meyer was willing to get uber-descriptive with the birthing scene, but leave out the smutty goodness of their honeymoon night. But I wasn't surprised that Edward had to rip out Renesmee--S.M. kinda prepares you for that by saying that Bella's womb has taken on the characteristics of vampire skin now that she's preggers.

    And for all of you who are wondering about Auntie Flo's visitations, Stephenie explains somewhere on her site and it's also at the Twilight Lexicon: basically, yes, Edward can smell it but it's "dead" blood so while it causes some discomfort it's not very tempting to him. It doesn't get mentioned in the book because Bella would be too embarassed to bring it up and Edward's too much of a gentleman to say something.

    I wasn't shocked when Renesmee was born though. At the end of Twilight when she really starts talking about being changed, I knew then 3 things would happen in Breaking Dawn: 1) Bella & Edward would get married 2) Bella would somehow have a baby (especially when S. Meyer would never say if a male vampire could procreate with a human female), and Bella would become a vampire. I wasn't sure about anything else, but I knew those 3 things would happen.

    I actually liked Breaking Dawn; it was my fave book. I was kind of hoping after having Bella try to jump Edward's bones so much in Eclipse that we would get to see some BD lovin' but that's what Twi-porn via fanfiction is for, I suppose. I wasn't thrilled that everything worked out so perfectly, but I knew that Bella's story would not end up as a tragedy and that everything would end well for her so it didn't bother me too bad.

    ReplyDelete
  81. dude u read ma mind!!!it sucked that s.meyer left out all the "physical" love....n i kno its like really twisted but am also wondering if eddie spanks his monkey...don't judge me ppl...its like he's been around for awhile u kno..i doubt dat he's so pure dat way?wat say u?

    ReplyDelete
  82. LOL absolutely loved it!!! I just think she tried to find a way to make things better between Edward and Jacob!!!! I thought that Jacob would be with Leah!!!! I love the twilight series but I guess SM did not think through with that BD!!!

    ReplyDelete
  83. Great post! Great comments! True, true, true.
    I've read alot of smutty twiporn, and this one is my favorite! I think it's very true to the characters and juicy as hell - enjoy!
    Warmth:

    http://www.fanfiction.net/s/4461299/1/Warmth

    ReplyDelete
  84. You guys are hilarious and I totally agree about the honeymoon and birth etc.! By the way here is a good story of EPOV (Edward's Point of View) of the Honeymoon. I hope the writer doesn't mind me sharing it with you, I thought she did really well with it. http://www.gncore.net/forum/viewtopic.php?f=8&t=21

    ReplyDelete
  85. Just my opinion, but if we are old enough to read the detailed and gross birthing scene then why aren't we old enough to read the sex scenes. Anyway, I love this post. It makes perfect sense. Aunt Flow probably just makes him uncomfy seeing as it is nasty blood anyway, but whatever. Bella is twisted anyway, so im sure the pain and bruises just made the orgasm that much more intense. After all like you said, the bruises are battle wounds. wear those bitches with pride and brag. Imagine telling your friends you screwed a hot ass vampire that is rock hard and can go all night. Every girls dream (and some guys). As for the venom, I say, it's just another perk. kinda tingly if you ask me. If a girl is gonna be ,masochistic, she should do it right! Bella has def done that. She not only bedded her vamp, she reproduced with him. bragging rights for sure. The only thing this girl is missing are the little half human/warewolf litter. she is my hero. lol

    ReplyDelete
  86. This has made my day! Finally someone has pointed out the Aunt Flo problem, that was one of my major gripes about the books.
    Don't get me started on the lame @#SS honeymoon, I also thought that my book was missing pages.
    Keep up the good work ladies!

    ReplyDelete
  87. I just wanted to throw one more thought out there that i found amusing.......... Bella worries about edward seeing her naked, right? well he could have already...... Alice did help with showers and such when bellas leg was busted. haha

    ReplyDelete
  88. i fell on the f. floor laughing at the jasper remark. Good points, it was funny.

    ReplyDelete
  89. This was absolutely friggin' awesome. I bow down to your snarky funny bone.

    ReplyDelete
  90. @ Ms. Monkey_Man (snort! baseball scene!)

    Right? I never thought of that before. If we are old enough to read horrific ripping baby out of womb, why the hell can't we read a rockin' sex scene?

    And bragging rights is an understatement...

    @ anon who mentioned venomous vampire custard as a band name - fuck yeah. Definitely has to be metal though. Maybe prog metal?

    @I punch werewolves 4 fun - just your name made snort cheap wine out of my nose. It's great!!!

    @theofficialbellacullen - thank you!! I swear to Edward I cracked up like a complete turd when I put that up there. I'm glad you caught it.

    ReplyDelete
  91. My thoughts on how Edwards swimmers in his "custard" survived. Edward was a virgin as Bella was. If Edward NEVER pleased himself after becoming a Vampire, then maybe he had a few swimmers left to release and BAM! Now Bella is preggers with those remaining. Ok, just my thoughts and how I reasoned it to myself.

    Agree with everyone, about the lack of sex scenes. I breezed through these books to read Bella/Edward interaction. Totally stoked when they went on the Honeymoon and then NOTHING! Maybe it was better to leave it to my imagination, mwuhahaha! But seriously a little trashy romance never hurt anyone either!

    ReplyDelete
  92. lol love it, i am 25 and love everything about twilight, my hubby groand when i tried to say anything about the books, then i got to the HM scene i seriously jumped of the couch and say "OMG there is gonna be sex" very disapointed when that was it :( i am not into smutty novels but i really really wanted a graphic sex scene!!!
    oh and yes remeseme being born was just out and out gross

    ReplyDelete
  93. OMG you guys make me laugh so hard. I'm snorting and laughing out loud here. I don't think anyone has posted this one yet- not too bad and very steamy. Edward even gets a little ahem, personal attention. LMAO at all you guys. you rock! Love the whole series, but was seriously disappointed in the lack of honeymoon night details-tho I had no problem supplying my own. http://www.fanfiction.net/s/4596782/1/A_Love_With_No_Limits_Edward_&_Bella

    ReplyDelete
  94. I am speechless at your awesomeness! Seriously funny shit. No truer words have been spoken!

    ReplyDelete
  95. I am 100% late to this party, and I don't care. I just found your blog and have been screwing the dog at work for the last two days. Breaking Dawn was my least fave book due to all the factors mentioned, but I didn't hate it.

    In fact, SM is guilty of not using her imagination enough to wrap up the threads of the story, and she chose some pretty lame twists but she did not break the cardinal rule: she didn't kill any main characters, she didn't leave anything unresolved and didn't leave anyone hanging. Everyone gets a nice happy ending which is way better than breaking hearts. Yes Jacob's imprinting is pretty gross, but it gave the necessary werewolf support to the stand against the Volturi, yes, a baby is oh so convenient to a perfect life, but it gave the plot a lot to work with, including solving the problem of Jacob. Etc. etc.

    Here are my thoughts on the main topics of conversation tho: Flo may not be mentioned b/c lets face it - it ain't fresh blood. The smell would not smell like food to anyone, I hope. :)

    The bridal night - well, there are glass dildoes out there, and my BFF swears by one. Would it be that much different? Probly not. So there. Totally doable. As far as 'love custard' (ROFL)... I gots nothing there. My imagination fails. lol

    ReplyDelete
  96. JJ let me just say that you RUINED the whole Christmas experience for me. ): *sobs* YOU GRINCH! what do you mean there is no SANTA CLAUS???? Who has been leaving those presents under the tree all these years if it wasnt Santa?? are you trying to tell me that in the middle of the night my mother and father got up, and left presents under the tree?..THIS CANT BE TRUE!!! AUGH!!!! No. i refuse to believe this INSANITY.

    But thank you for the ruining of Christmas! hahaha

    ReplyDelete
  97. Ah, I love women. Wish more of my girlfriends would read the books so I could chat about this shit with them!

    I've totally fantasized about the honeymoon scene, filling in my own blanks. Yes, Edward would be really really hard, but I imagine he would be extremely careful and gentle with Bella. And the coldness--that would help numb some of the pain, right?

    Kind of related to the Aunt Flo issue, I wondered whether Edward chose to wait for Bella in the water cause he was worried that breaking her hymen might push him over the edge control-wise? It seems like maybe that's what SM was hinting at: that he penetrates her for the first time in the water to get rid of any blood?

    ReplyDelete
  98. Ahahah! I love this post! Can't wait to see how they do this in the movie though. It has to be hotter than the book. HAS TO.

    ReplyDelete
  99. I just found this blog (Thank Google for "recommending" this!) so this is hella late, but... This is the BEST Twilight post I have read ever... anywhere!

    I was so baffled and confused about the whole sex thing, because fragile Bella kept coming out of it unscathed. I guess I just figured, SM has put her through so much pain (both physical and emotional) that sex with Edward was just another-day-dating-a-vegetarian-vampire.

    The period thing... I feel like miss Swan was under so much stress about you know, the whole mythological creatures constantly trying to kill her, that she just had fucked up hormones and didn't have one... of course, she got pregnant, so... yeah.

    I thought it was ludicrous that we had to imagine the sex and read through the fucking horrid ass birth. That shit made me gag. And the name... LORDF! THE NAME! What. The. Fuck? I was highly pissed... I mean, they call the Lochness monster "Nessie."

    I did love Breaking Dawn despite the shenanigans thought.

    <3 this blog!

    ReplyDelete
  100. As usual, I agree 10000%. Permaboner, no-walking-the-next-day, Reenneeennnessucks, WTF, SM, W.T.F? I actually called up my Dr friend talking to him about Vampire sperm. True story.

    Suspended disbelief. Because my ovaries want to explode watching Robward be a daddy, I will ignore the vampire spew issue.

    I thought of the period issue back in the 1st book, when I was reading it with horrible cramps. I seriously was waiting for an Ann Rice thing to happen. In fact, I think in one FF, it did. (trying to remember which one) There is no way in hale Jasper could ignore 50% of the high school being on the rag. If a papercut sent him over the edge....



    There is a FF called "The Honeymoon" rumar has it was written by SM under an alias. It gets more graphic, but not by tons. "Let your Light Shone" & "A life Extrodinary" by Lolashoes is another good honeymoon scene. There are FF's that are so much better than BD, sorry SM.

    For the movie, I pray to sweet baby Jesus that they fade to black for the birth scene, use some of the FF stories as a substitute, extended honeymoon scene, and just forget about the whole imprenting fiasco.

    ReplyDelete
  101. @Sarita - I thought the same thing! If they did it in the wter first, her blood would be dissapated and well, like old people doing water aerobics, the water helps the impact...

    ReplyDelete
  102. Fessing up to being a major fanfic hoar...

    I totally agree and write it this way...so when non vamps have smexy funtime with vampires? IT BURNS in an I THINK I'M GONNA DIE WAY....but some of the freaks kinda enjoy it.

    ReplyDelete
  103. i really do agree with you there... i mean if it like you said his hard is alot harder than the average.. she definately wouldnt be able to walk.. but it is fiction so what the fuck can we do about it... but im pretty sure edwardo their is packing some big meat!

    ReplyDelete
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  107. Not for nothin' girls, but another thing that SM leaves out of this whole equation is the fact that sperm have to mature. See below.

    "According to Fertility.com, sperm maturation---from beginning to full maturity "takes about 74 days." Spermatogenesis is estimated to take six weeks."

    If female vampires can't have children because they don't change and you need to change to have a freakin' menstrual cycle, then male vampires are also sterile.

    Duh...

    ReplyDelete
  108. i really do agree with you there... i mean if it like you said his hard is alot harder than the average.. she definately wouldnt be able to walk.. but it is fiction so what the fuck can we do about it... but im pretty sure edwardo their is packing some big meat!

    ReplyDelete
  109. I am 100% late to this party, and I don't care. I just found your blog and have been screwing the dog at work for the last two days. Breaking Dawn was my least fave book due to all the factors mentioned, but I didn't hate it.

    In fact, SM is guilty of not using her imagination enough to wrap up the threads of the story, and she chose some pretty lame twists but she did not break the cardinal rule: she didn't kill any main characters, she didn't leave anything unresolved and didn't leave anyone hanging. Everyone gets a nice happy ending which is way better than breaking hearts. Yes Jacob's imprinting is pretty gross, but it gave the necessary werewolf support to the stand against the Volturi, yes, a baby is oh so convenient to a perfect life, but it gave the plot a lot to work with, including solving the problem of Jacob. Etc. etc.

    Here are my thoughts on the main topics of conversation tho: Flo may not be mentioned b/c lets face it - it ain't fresh blood. The smell would not smell like food to anyone, I hope. :)

    The bridal night - well, there are glass dildoes out there, and my BFF swears by one. Would it be that much different? Probly not. So there. Totally doable. As far as 'love custard' (ROFL)... I gots nothing there. My imagination fails. lol

    ReplyDelete
  110. JJ let me just say that you RUINED the whole Christmas experience for me. ): *sobs* YOU GRINCH! what do you mean there is no SANTA CLAUS???? Who has been leaving those presents under the tree all these years if it wasnt Santa?? are you trying to tell me that in the middle of the night my mother and father got up, and left presents under the tree?..THIS CANT BE TRUE!!! AUGH!!!! No. i refuse to believe this INSANITY.

    But thank you for the ruining of Christmas! hahaha

    ReplyDelete
  111. True Blood my friends, True Blood. Sookie. Bill. Eric. Epic reads.

    ReplyDelete
  112. I just wanted to know where the HELL Edward got that HUGE syringe full of uh-hem "Venom". I'm still trying to figure out where that came from...bwah ha ha...just sayin' And, you ROCK...keep postin'..because I am gonna keep readin'!

    ReplyDelete

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