I've been working tirelessly on this post but STY keeps throwing phrases out there like 'too inappropriate', 'EW! You CAN'T say that!!' and 'Too far! TOO FAR!!!
Now that we've got that out of the way - let's talk about sex, baby! Or, more specifically, vampire McLovin'!!
I've been thinking about this whole pregnant thing in Breaking Dawn. Let me preface this by saying, should any nit picky little bastards be reading this, I am fully, coherently aware that this series is fiction. On the flipside, if I just busted someone's bubble, sorry about that - you might want to see a therapist, though. Just sayin'. Oh and by the way, there's no Santa Claus, either.
First things first - let's discuss the actual 'doing' part of gettin' diggity with it. I know Bella woke up all kinds of bruised (personally, I think this is merely a mark of a good night) but that's all? Really? Losing your virginity hurts like a bitch when you're boinging a human boy, much less a vampire. Especially since said vampire apparently has flesh that's hard as steel. That takes being 'hard' to a whole new level, know what I'm sayin? I'm just thinking that Bella shouldn't be able to walk for a few days, maybe a month, that's all. And let's face it - if Edward is as godlike as he's described, than I think it's safe to assume he's well endowed in the schlong department. We're talking "magnum."
I know it's weird - I'm willing to suspend reality when it comes to a bunch of undead dudes running faster than the wind and being impossibly strong but I still question how Edward's little swimmers can survive when his balls are presumably as cold as ice cubes.
Edward's family jewels...
Which brings me to my next beef with the pregnancy. According to Stephenie Meyer her vampires have a venomous fluid in their bodies that lubricate their cells, eyes, etc. This is also what allows the male vampires to, ahem, get it up. Thing is, if Edward's internal system is made of venom then wouldn't his, well, his spunk be venomous too? And I'm thinking that making a deposit of venom inside Bella's love muffin couldn't possibly be... comfortable for her. I mean, it's venom. After all, Edward's love custard is responsible for creating half of Renesmee. And by half I mean THE half that fucks Bella up in a big old I-broke-your-spine-and-ribs-and-now-you're-dying kinda way.
Anyhoo, I can't help but think there is something about Edward knocking Bella up that just seems... kind of fucked (excuse the pun). I get that Renesmee (I HATE that name) is central to the whole story and all, but couldn't they have just adopted? There's GOT to be some kids left that Madonna and Brangelina haven't adopted yet, ya know?
P.S. - Am I the only one who finds the fact that SM (Stephenie Meyer, you dirty birds!) was all-too-willing to go into graphic detail about the ins and outs of vampire/human reproduction [pun intended...] but seemed appalled every time someone questioned what happened when Aunt Flo was in town???" or whatever... just a thought...