Monday, May 18, 2009

Even Non-Twitards Like Edward Cullen!

My Aunt A got married this past Saturday. As always, ML and I ended up racing around and making sure we didn't forget anything - like the wedding card that contained the money. Oh, and naturally, I couldn't forget this...

We're not even out of town before I'm texting this picture to STY.

Me - On a scale of 1 to 10 how crazy am I to take this shit with me everywhere I go?
STY - I'd say about a two but then again think about who you're asking.

ML just kind of shakes his head at me and quietly requests that I take his mortification off the dashboard of his car before someone we know walks by. Reluctantly, I comply. Briefly, that is.

My number one favorite pastime is Twilight. My number two favorite pastime is embarrassing the holy crap out of ML. Thankfully, I can easily combine the two... WHEEEEE!!!

The ceremony was... interesting. I need to preface this by saying that there appears to be an inability among members of my family to behave appropriately or within the confines of social expectation. It's kind of funny until they offer you up to the cute waiter at a fancy restaurant or something (true story, I swear it).

This is Daddy (not a)Jerkface's family. Mommy (not a)Jerkface says my Aunts are crazy but let's face it, if I got crazy from Daddy's side of the family then I most definitely inherited 'Bat-Shit' from my Mom.

Which is why I wasn't terribly surprised when she gave me a mischievous look at the reception.

"Did you bring Edward?" Mommy (not a)Jerkface asks sweetly. Daddy and Brother Jerkface both roll their eyes and ML used that moment to flee excuse himself before I get the chance to make him cringe.
"Of course," I chirp back, reaching under my seat and yanking Edward from my bag. "Edward loves weddings!"

My father just stares at me, perhaps wondering what he did wrong to make me end up this way. Then he looks over at Aunt B, his younger sister, who is apparently demonstrating yoga stretches on the dance floor in her Bridesmaid dress and realizes I never had a fighting chance at Normal. Then he looks at his wife, who is supposed to be the 'normal' one and sighs. I don't think he can decide if she's ruined me or I've ruined her. Poor guy.

"I think Edward would like a picture of the cake," Mommy (not a)Jerkface tells me. And so it begins...

Let them eat cake, bitches!!

Edward feels sad because my cocktail is almost the same size as him...

Mommy (not a)Jerkface and I played around with Edward while my father and ML shook their heads. I'm pretty sure I heard Brother Jerkface mutter to his sweet wife 'time for the fucking nuthouse for both of them', while gesturing sourly at me and my Mom.

Take that Brother Jerkface! I will slice thee from nuts to navel with my cocktail sword!

Our family is different from others of our kind, Bella...

Eventually, Aunt B wandered over and wanted to know what we were up to. I immediately had to hide Edward because Aunt B is aware of the fact that I have a blog but I refuse to tell her what it's about. Which makes her crazy. Which of course makes me laugh. She always says I'm a bad niece, anyway. I was a few drinks in by this point but I think I told her he was a Johnny Depp doll... In hindsight, I probably should have thought that "throw her off my trail" strategy through, since there's probably some total nutball out there who DOES have a blog devoted to her Johnny Depp doll. Not someone totally sane like me with Twitarded and mini-Edward...

My mini-E is saner than your little knitted Johnny...


  1. I love the mini-Edward trips. Thanks for keeping us up to date on your travels. You three (Edward included) are fucking hilarious!

  2. You're absolutely nuts and I absolutely love it! LOL!

  3. Ok, that shit is funny!! I always forget to bring Edward with me. I need to put him in my purse too! LOL Love how you got moms in on it and I also love that you have an Aunt B! LOL

  4. a little (or a lot of) insanity is a beautiful thing :)


  5. You are too funny. I am not sure if I would take Mini-Ed out if I had one. Who am I kidding, of course I would. Going on mini-vacay this weekend and had SERIOUSLY thought of buying one just so I could take pix of him at Disneyland.

  6. i am laughing so hard it hurts! this so reminds me of ME...which obviously explains why i am here. i carry my E everywhere!! (E as in Edward not Ecstasy, though i carry that around too. hehe)
    my coworkers walk into my office and always ask me if i have Edward...and he jumps out before they can say "biznitch you crazy!"

  7. Once again, your antics amuse me. I just love your little "E"! I think we might be related though. When my dad died 2 yrs ago my mom offered me up to the mortician. Seriously no shit.

  8. HAHA! I happen to like crazy people. Makes for great family-fun!

    I still have 2 friends of the family beg me to "hook-up" with single sons to ensure grandbabies. (my marriage isn't their concern, apparently) Lets just say those 2 aren't Jared's favorite people.

  9. Never had a chance at normal? Yep, join the club. We all have to be a bit, uh, "skewed" to end up all together, right? Love your account of the WED-DING. Looks like little E had a jolly ol' time...good thing they had vegetarian meals. Check this out, I know you'll love it. Funny and Sexy and yet, still funnier than sexy!

  10. Oh, note how I did not even comment on your taking lil' E with you to a wed-ding...see, totally oblivious to normality.


  12. Freakin crazy but funny as shit!

    Glad that I'm not the only one that has a crazy family. Dontcha just lurvv family get togethers...

    Loved E with the cocktail sword! Onguard! Tell Edward to not be embarrassed about being as tall as your cocktail - I've always said "I'll have the cock you can have the tail"...

    Maybe next time E is on your S/O's dashboard shake his hips like the hula girl ones.. Oooh maybe you could find him a grass skirt?!

    No I'm not drunk just had one of those Weight Watcher 1 point fudge bar things, They are lovely, but have to eat 2 or 3!! ha ha

    Johnny Depp doll is creepy like a voodoo doll! Friggin scary!

  13. So funny!! My DH doesn't think so - he thinks you might be a bad influence. Maybe I shouldn't tell him I want my own mini-E.

  14. JJ the pics were beyond awsome. you never disapoint when it comes to pocket edwards antics.

    im so excited my BFF A.K.A. Labrador retriever A.K.A. My version on a mike newton bought me a mini edward, and is giving it to me next week. i cant wait to have fun adventures with him as well.

  15. Love the cocktail sword;)

  16. @JJ--I so love that your mother is in to Pocket Edward and his escapades. Strangely my family chooses not to comment on PE's constant presence on my kitchen counter. I think they think I am going through some crisis and I am fragile--hee! hee! Crazy--perhaps, but we heart you for it.

  17. The Vegetarian pic is CLASSIC!!!!

  18. Bitches has pulled us over to the dark side and has acquired PE dolls for both of us...more to come on the blog for sure!

  19. JJ - you have outdone yourself. I was giggling so loud my coworkers were questioning what the hell I was up to! Mini E's photo journal just kills me... he really does get out and about! And I totally love that your mom is so on board with the photo opps.

    And hey, don't knock the JD doll please.... My mini Captain Jack (plastic, not yarn) hangs out with my mini E quite often... although the size difference makes mini E look like giant E.

    With them both constantly vying for my attention, I'm often afraid a fight will break out... and even though mini CJ uses his pirate trickery and cheating, mini E would still kick his ass from here to Tortuga.

    Wow... sorry for that whole lot of crazy this morning! Peace out.

  20. who can define normal anyway?!? I'd probably do the same thing if I have mini-E (yeah, still gutless to actually buy one, so sue me). nevertheless I'm immensely satisfied with your hilarious antics...

    yet again, you made my day :)

  21. Clearly I have problems, lol. But as long as they make people laugh I'm all good with it.

    @Lainey - I'm tellin' ya, you gotta get one. It's way too much fun.

    @Aunt B & VitaminR70 - my mother is way too funny with OME. She totally gets into it. She got up to actually pose him next to the cake but my father put his foot down. LOL. Poor Pops.

    @KDGrimmer - Yeah, I suspect that a lot of you lovely folks are on the dark side of crazy, too. That's why we love you!

    @Tasha & Twihexed - what is it with family members like that? Seriously, I think my Aunts would totally pass me around the waitstaff if they got some free appetizers out of the deal... but a mortician? Yowsers! I think you take the cake on that one!!

    @ Limey-1996 - I have been considering get some new 'outfits' for OME...

    @Ang(Amcas) - LOL! I think at this point it's perfectly acceptable to run around with OME, don't you?
    I'll definitely check out the link.

    @Webgrits - Er, don't tell him, but I think your DH just may be right.

    @IPW4F - Nice! You're going to have a blast with OME, I promise you. lOL!

    @Fire Crotch - You guys are screwed, it's all consuming. LOL. It's all down hill from here. And we are happy we helped!! LOL

    @MaryBeth - ML is a vegetarian and when they gave him that little tag for the meal I ripped it out of his hands, I was so excited.

    @Faith - At this point, normal doesn't even exist... LOL. I'm glad we made your day!!

    Thanks for all the comments! We love them! :)

  22. JJ, OMG! This is priceless! I love it!! As you saw from the photos I snapped this weekend, My Edward tagged along to a 4 year old's birthday party. There was wine, there were gifts, and once the two were combined, it made for some interesting photos. I think I might need to order him the Bella doll from Hot Topic, because I found my Edward in a compromising position with Spiderman & Wonderwoman (two of the bday girls gifts!). Maybe he was trying out scenes from The Dominant?? I'd much rather him experiment with Captain Jack. Thanks ladies, maybe I need a Captain Jack doll now too!!!

    The photo with the cocktail sword is all sorts of awesome!!

  23. OME...double whammy. Did you see my new I feel like a wicked Twitard!! I did play with Edward and Cap'n Jack, AKA..Johnny Depp!! Does that make me a total loser or what?? Oh well...that's what happens when you play with dolls...I mean action figures! :)

  24. @Anne - those pics = PRICELESS!! Poor little Spiderman... Although it looks like everyone was having a great time - lol!

    @anncatgw - your post of mini-E vs. Jack Sparrow was SO funny! And i agree w/ Stacy that it makes Edward feel like he's a big dude when he's near Cap'n Jack - Jack must be itty-bitty!

    : )

  25. My Labrador retriever surprised me today, he stopped by with my Mini-Edward!!! so now i am the PROUD owner of a mini- edward!!!! ::smiles stupidly::

    im so excited!!! i def think there needs to be a picture off, lol

  26. i love the pic where you wrote edward is sad because he's the same size as my cocktail - i seriously laughed loudly! thanks!

  27. IPw4f - Can't wait to see what you cook up!

    @ Bevwild - Yay! We love making people chuckle. Preferably at awkward times, like meetings at work or funerals but in general is pretty nice too. ;)

  28. Aren't we all a little 'Bat-Shit' at heart?


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