Tuesday, May 12, 2009

How to Look Like a Cullen Vampire

Sooo, even though New Moon is a few months away (191 days, 12 hours, 41 minutes, and 19 seconds, give or take a few), it doesn't hurt to start preparing for opening night ahead of time. Since it premires five days before my birthday, I've decided that we really need to go all out. I think we might even admit we're going see the movie this time! And by 'we' I mean STY and I, since we were threatened with death the last time we dragged another friend with us...

In my search for the perfect New Moon night I came across this lovely little website, which offers some advice on how to 'become' a Twilight vampire.

First,
Wear colored contacts if possible, as "Twilight" vampires have glowing, colored eyes. Vegetarian "Twilight" vampires have golden eyes while regular vampires have burgundy eyes.

Um, ok. No. I mean, I know I've got one foot in the nuthouse door as it is but if I buy vampire contact lenses, ML is going to do to me what Alice's parents did to her. I can only hope he'll get me a cool tombstone...

Step 2
Use a foundation on your skin which is about two shades lighter than your natural skin tone. Work the foundation into your skin with circular motions, covering your ears and neck as well for a blended, natural look. "Twilight" vampires have light almost glowing skin, so you might consider a foundation which is designed to reflect light. These are often called "luminance," "sheer" or "brilliance."

Sweet! This is easier than I thought. I don't need a foundation two shades lighter than my natural skin tone, mainly because they don't make foundation any lighter than the one I currently use.

Let's put this into perspective, shall we? While taking pictures at a family gathering once, Daddy (not a)Jerkface yelled at me, 'Goddammit, Jenny, get a tan!!' because the flash was reflecting off my skin and ruining all the shots. And a coworker once told me that ML and I are so white if we had kids they'd be invisible. So, yeah, I'm pasty. But so is STY, so as long as we stick together in public and don't venture too close to other, less-glowy people, we look almost normal. Almost.

Step 3
Apply lavender eyeliner and eyeshadow, topping it off with a light layer of black mascara. Make sure that you apply a line of lavender under the eye as well to top off your "Twilight" vampire look. Finish your makeup with a blood red lipstick.

Again, I won't really need to apply lavender eyeshadow under my eyes to achieve this look.
Thanks to the chronic bouts of insomnia, coupled with an overactive imagination that I swear indicates I have a serious mental problem, I've got natural death circles around my eyes. Go me! Heck, it's starting to sound like I was just meant to be a Cullen, don't ya' think?

Hmmm... Do I want to smell like me or Alice today?

Ok, make-up (or lack thereof) is in the bag and I happen to already have the Cullen scent (I can choose Eau de Edward or Essence of Alice depending on my mood), so I'm good with that but... what if I didn't want to just look like a Cullen. What if I wanted to really be one? I decided to delve a little deeper...

And that's when it all went rapidly down hill... This site gives even more in-depth tips, and some, frankly, are a little messed up.

Like this one -
Wear hidden ice packs so you feel cold, but again for an everyday look, just don't sit next to radiators all the time.
The fuck? Seriously? Ever heard of hypothermia? I know someone is going to be cruisin' for a Darwin Award with this advice.

Or this one -
Don't eat at school, or just eat small amounts, or have a best friend with lots of food on their plate, stealing is an essential part of being a vampire! (The Porsche Turbo 911!)
What the double fuck? Now THAT is stellar advice to give a teenager. Nothing like promoting anorexia and carjacking amongst teens. And in the same sentence!! I'm impressed! Next thing you know they'll be giving tutorials on the proper way to pack a crack pipe.



The next two, however, are my favorite and I fully intend to start doing this... NOW.

Stare. A lot. But don't stare at people, that would creep them out. Stare at a thing for as long as you can manage, and try not to blink.

You should always be observing people. And if they look at you, dont be afraid to stare at them for a while and then slowly glide your eyes back to your starting point.


We are waaaaaatching yoooouuuuuu...

Ok, first of all make up your mind. Do you want me to stare at an object until my eyes bleed or do you want me to stare at a person? Anyone else notice this hypocrisy? Gawd, what's a Cullen Wannabe to do with this sort of flip-flopping? Make a decision, folks! For now, I'm going with the 'do' stare at people...

Nothing says bat-shit-crazy like giving people "the dead stare." I can't wait to try this out on the train... Honestly, I don't think 'vampire' if someone is staring intently at me - I think 'serial killer'. Just sayin'.

And, for some reason, this made me laugh so hard I farted:
If you are going as a non-vegetarian vampire, have a person who will be a victim, or someone changing into a vampire (half-vampire, half-human).
Um, are they promoting murder? Violence against another human being? Are these people aware of the multitude of Stupid that is lurking in our midst? I can just picture it now...

Cullen wannabe - Excuse me, do you mind being my lunch, er, I mean, date to the club tonight?
Unsuspecting fool - Why I'd love to.

Cullen wannabe - Splendid. Make sure you wear something that reveals your neck. And your tits, while we're at it. I want choices...
Unsuspecting fool - Um, why are you chewing on my neck? Freak. And why are you in that ridiculous getup? Are you wearing plastic fangs?!


So I Yahoo image searched 'bad vampire' and a million (I'm serious - pages of them) pictures of this guy popped up. WTF?! Bad, yes. Vampire, no. Ego, oh... fuck yeah. I mean, FUUUUUUCK YEAH! Anyhoo, this douche nugget has nothing to do with the post but I really couldn't help myself.

34 comments:

  1. F me! That was the funniest stuff I have read all day! I too laughed so hard I (almost) farted! The makeup was the best part. Sorry ur so pale, sux! But good material when it a wannabe Cullen. Don't burn out there!

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  2. @JJ--hope it wasn't a stinky one.

    I, too, am the palest shade of pale with freckles to boot. All this late night fanfic reading is making me look like shit. Happy shit, but shit no less.

    "Bad Vampire" is uber scary--love the glamrock hairdo too!

    "Danny, come play with us forever, and ever, and ever." Those girls scare the crap out of me.

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  3. OH MY WORD... my husband is trying to watch some movie (not twilight so why do i care?) and he's getting mad at me for laughing out loud. here's my question: i have four kids, who are usually with me wherever i go. do i make them look like vampires too? what color eyes do you suppose renesmee had? i mean, i want to be authentic. if the mom is a vampire, one would assume the children are too. otherwise they would be lunch.

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    1. Renesmee had chocolate brown eyes, like Bella used to have.

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  4. omg, everytime i see those twins from 'the shining' i jump! so effing scary!

    'bad vampire'? since when did emo mean vampire...kids these days. *barf*

    ps...i am practically translucent! living in alaska doesn't help either. or does it?

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  5. You weren't kidding on the bad vampire images. Hundreds of them! Perhaps it's the bastard child of Criss Angel and Alice?

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  6. LMFAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    i have been reading your blogs since yesterday and i have to say... you are HILARIOUS!!!! love love LOVE your tourets (or however you spell that one! lol!!

    Great post btw!!! keep em coming!

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  7. omfe!!!! everyone is sleeping, so i cant laugh out load. im sitting here turning bright red tryin to muffle the giggles as i struggle to breath.

    im so gonna do somin crazy like that for the hell of it, lol, maybe opening night too.

    @jj- i have horrible insomnia as well, the eyes not needing makeup, im totally with you, ive gotten 3 maybe 4 hours in the past almost 3 days.

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  8. Holy hell! What a great post. I am in tears. And I so needed to end my day on a good note - thank you!! You ladies never fail to crack me up.

    Ice packs? Really?

    Oh, and I love 'multitude of Stupid'. It's so true and sad, or funny whichever way you want to look at it, that people are going to use these suggestions.

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  9. This post is hilarious, I fucking choked on my sandwich! Which reminds me that I should know by now not to be eating when I come here.

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  10. Funny post. I never sleep, I have bags under my eyes and I am pale-people accuse me of being a vampire. Whatevs I say.

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  11. JJ hands down there is no better advice to give a young impressionable child (or teen whatev) then to stalk people & not eat. It's only common sense. ;) lol

    What the heck is wrong with people???

    @themrs - Yes. I have four children myself & I believe the answer to your question is yes. We deck our children out as vampys, as well. Your logic is sound. & if your children are anything like mine they have the staring at people in public thing DOWN! Why do kids say the most inappropriate things?? Sorry... random. I don't think we have to worry about eye color if we want them to be the Loch Ness Monster. Her eyes were brown, right?

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  12. Not for the first time, my coffee is on the monitor! It's alright though because I can just stare at nothing while I wear my ice pack!

    Hilarious! Thanks!

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  13. this was a great post..laughed with tears...:-))

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  14. Stacy (formerly SEJ207)May 13, 2009 at 8:24 AM

    I too can join your club of pale faces without the makeup! I can burn to a crisp in the sun instantaneously! But I'm glad to know the other ways to make myself vampirish. Especially the 'biting a friend' part. I'm sure that wouldn't be a problem... holy shit are they serious!!??

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  15. Haha!!!! I'm sure your invisible children will be beautiful!!!!!!

    Happy Birthday Robert!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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  16. i'm thinking some people in my life may consider calling CPS on me if they see my children dressed as vampires for no apparent reason. especially if they start randomly biting people....

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  17. @ Amcas - Yup. I'm pale all right. I figure that just makes me a perfect canvas for tattoos... lol

    @VitaminR70 & Stacy - Oooh, freckles! I've always wanted freckles, lol.

    But being pale definitely does suck. Stacy, I'm just like you - I fry like an egg if I go outside.

    And those girls scare the crap out of me, too. In face, I had a bad dream about them last night!

    @Themrs. - definitely dress those kids up as vamps! You might as well prepare them now while they're young so they'll be used to it when they are older.

    @kdgrimmer & Twihexed - I actually ended up spending a good half hour (ok, FINE... an hour) looking at all his pictures and DYING. Two words for ya - naked guitar. That's all I'm saying.

    @Zoe - Thank you!! I'm not sure how to spell it either but I'm pretty sure I have it!

    @IPW4F - Insomnia sucks monkey nuts. On the upside, it'll give you plenty of time to catch up on fan fiction!!

    @Melissa & CuteangieK - I was floored at their stupid advice. I mean, really? That website is a lawsuit waiting to happen... ;)

    @Lucy W & GiveMeVenom - It's ok - we never learn either. I KNOW not to drink or eat anything when I read other people's stuff but... I just feel compelled to. Maybe I like the sensation of hot coffee coming out my nose... lol.

    @Cathie - I figure it's chic these days to look vampy so...

    @Kat - LOL! Oh they are, they are... if we ever have kids they are going to so messed up, poor little ones. lol!

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  18. Of all the things I could comment on - because dear God there are so many - I choose the tiny little detail that we seem to share a birthday. The 25th, correct? I've already told my husband he's taking me - or sending me, alone - to see New Moon for my birthday. Hell, it's my birthday, he's coming with me, and has to pretend he likes it :evil laugh:

    PS - Emo kids are creepy. And fun to laugh at :)

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  19. Funny as all hell! Absolutely insane holy crappola! Dont'cha just lurrvv the internet you can find bloody anything. The staring thing would freak me out. Never was good at that game, I would always be the first one to friggin blink.

    I too have that pasty white English skin, my mum always says "rain is good for wrinkles", don't know if she meant to prevent them or water log the crap out of them so I'll have my own little estuary. Oh and I look like a bloody milk bottle on the beach, very fetching! ha ha

    Why is that guy wearing his mother's poloneck sweater?

    Invisible children wouldn't be so bad!! haha

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  20. As always you have made my morning!
    Luckily I get in very early in the morning and there is only one other person in the office right now and he probably thinks I've totally lost it as I cackle away at my desk reading this.

    Bat Shit Crazy.... Cracks Me UP!

    I considered coloured contacts; you know to go with the Alice Cullen dress that I bought like a retard...
    I then thought naw hubby would probably just commit me. Although I probably need it with the twilight obsession that I have...

    I can so do the vamp look with no makeup... Crap I'm in BC on Vancouver Island a mere 80 miles north of Forks. Although my eyes are such a dark brown they are nearly black, I could do the hungry veggy vamp look with no contacts....

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  21. Um yeah, so I will totally admit that my husband busted me one Saturday afternoon looking up colored contact lenses on the internet. And he declared that was his line...there was NO.WAY.IN.HELL. he would let me get them. Whatever,dude, if I want them, you can't stop me!!! But truth be told, I would need prescription lenses and that's WAY too much trouble...and my eye doctor would think I'm a freak (besides everyone else who already does). So, no contact lenses for me!

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  22. @Kathy - Sweet! The 25th it is! You have no idea how tempted I am to insist on a Twilight themed birthday party. The rest of our friends would kill me.

    @Limey-1996 - Milk bottle on a beach?! That killed me. Trust me, there is a reason why I avoid the beach. A couple, actually.

    @ red-bella & Aggie99 - I was tempted to check out the contact lenses but I knew that if I did, I'd be tempted to get them 'just because'. Then again, the idea of explaining to my eye doctor why I want those kind of contacts... not sure even I could do that!

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  23. Love it as always. Unfortunately for me being in Hawaii and tanned, wearing foundation two shades lighter will make me look like I'm in a Japanese Kabuki Play. :) No one will think Vampire, dammit! And yeah what's up with Emo kids now being cool. I think they're riding off our Twilight train frankly, and unless they're fans. They need to get of the train! No cutters! Only Vegetarian bloodsuckers! LOL.

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  24. Oh, forgot to add. Did you notice that people who are really in to vampires and all things mystical are like riding the whole Twilight thing out too. I mean I was a huge fan of Anne Rice and I love my Twilight Saga, but fuck that. I'm not in to the occult! I'm just sayin.. :) Those people really creep me out. Almost as much as French Clowns!

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  25. Well, once again your wit has caused some sort of substance to spew from my mouth onto my monitor. Today I had the added benefit of choking on my 100 calorie pack of Oreo Cakesters;) BTW, could they make those fuckers any smaller?!?! What made me laugh so hard?? That you laughed so hard you farted. That right there is funny shit;)

    And now because of you, I have a new word to add to my "I'm 37 and act like I'm 12" vocabulary; douche nugget! LOVE IT!

    It can never be said enough...I heart you:):)

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  26. Forgot to mention that I got the call from the computer doctor and my computer is in fact dead. Everything is lost:( All my Twiporn and all my Robporn. I is sadz:(

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  27. The guy at the end has some man-o-rific man boobs.
    (up-chuck)
    -Corr

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  28. @ honolulu girl - I don't know what's going on with the Emo kids these days. They look like worse than the eighties hair bands!!!

    @AJ - Well, at least we know we're good at something, lol. Oh, and as I far as I'm concerned, any word starting with douche is fucking funny. Douche nozzle, douche rope, douche waffle... you get the picture. And that kid IS a total douche nugget. Or maybe a nougat? ;)

    @ Corr - That guy is the main reason why there are no other pics on this post. I couldn't stop watching the train wreck that was his Flickr account!! LOL!

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  29. @AJ - I am so very sorry for your loss. Truly. :( That would greatly upset me for sure! I'm pretty sure you've mentioned this before, please forgive me for not remembering correctly due to words like douchenugget and such, but was it all stuff you had bookmarked or actual doc files?

    @Themrs.- Creepy? Yes. Borderline child abuse? Yep. Beyond wonderfulness? HELL YES!
    Little vampys! I am having a hard time not smoother my kids in glitter right this very moment. j/k j/k kinda *wink* JJ does make a compelling argument.

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  30. @cuteangiek-Anything and everything was lost:( Thank goodness I recently burned most of our family pics to discs. Only lost 6 months. Seriously trying not to think about it. Such a bummer.

    @JJ- Yay! More douche words:)

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  31. I can't type anything because I am STILL laughing over this.. well I guess I typed something.. hahahahahahaha!!! All I can say is WTF?!?!

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  32. @ AJ - This is for sadness. Let me know if you need any help gathering things back together. Email me. K? I don't have a ton of stuff but I can at least help out. :)

    Random: I love the word douche. Does that mean there is something wrong with me?

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  33. On a scale of this place and metal gear solid id go with both lol cuz id be a solid snake cullen lol haha

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