Over the weekend, I get a phone call from STY, and she was acting all chirpy and excited. This is always a sign of either something stupendously good or train-wreck-magnitude badness.
"I have to stop by right now," she tells me all breathless and giddy. I can tell she's in the car so I get nervous, thinking perhaps she's finally mowed down her creepy neighbor. "I bought something for us that will help our writing on the blog." I can practically hear her smirking as she says this.
Ok, cool. I'm thinking she maybe picked up a Blogger for Absolute Morons since the one for dummies ended up being a coaster for a couple of months. Or perhaps it was a Collegiate Thesaurus or something else equally... intelligent.
Then I remembered this is us we're talking about. And since she already got me the 'how-to-write-porn" book... I was stumped. And then I get this picture message (taken while driving - BAD STY!):
A few minutes later she shows up with this gem. It is now my life book. It is my new sacred text that I refer to with alarming frequency. I've learned so much from this book in the short time it's been in my possession - I can't possibly understand how I survived before it.
I take it's teachings with me wherever I go and find myself so much more in control when I utilize the beautiful, delicious words it contains.
The bitch got me (ok, us) a book on cursing. I would have made out with her but I was too busy screaming excitedly. I immediately wrest it from her hands and flip open the book randomly. Basically, the book is essentially split into two sections - some words are innocent and others are SO not and you can flip through them to twist every day words into something punched-in-the-face-if-you-say-it worthy.
"Hey, ML!" I shout so all our neighbors can hear me and reaffirm their suspicions that I am 'fucking looped'. "You're a..." I flip madly through the book, "... Shit Wrangler!!!"
"Oh give me that." Clearly my clever cursing isn't nearly offensive enough for the BFF who blushes as I'm bellowing expletives at certain video games during parties. STY suddenly wrestles the book out of my hands. "When I first opened it at the book store it opened to 'Clit Shitter'. I was sold." she admits.
She flips through the book, giggling like a maniac, and shows me another magic dirty combination that makes me purposefully want to go to a crowded store and wait in a long line behind a retiree with a pocket full of coupons...
The only downside to this book was that ML was calling me a 'Titty Rammer' all weekend. Well, among the usual things.
Heck, even Edward got in on the action.
*** STY thought that I probably should put a little mention in this post about the fact that I put up a picture with a bronze stag schlong and the Cullen Crest. I wish I could come up with some witty quip about this but , honestly, I can't. This setup seriously exists in my house. I guess that's just how I roll...
Here it is...your moment of Robert Pattinson
5 hours ago