Monday, May 25, 2009

My New Favorite Book - After the Twilight Series, Naturally

Over the weekend, I get a phone call from STY, and she was acting all chirpy and excited. This is always a sign of either something stupendously good or train-wreck-magnitude badness.

"I have to stop by right now," she tells me all breathless and giddy. I can tell she's in the car so I get nervous, thinking perhaps she's finally mowed down her creepy neighbor. "I bought something for us that will help our writing on the blog." I can practically hear her smirking as she says this.

Ok, cool. I'm thinking she maybe picked up a Blogger for Absolute Morons since the one for dummies ended up being a coaster for a couple of months. Or perhaps it was a Collegiate Thesaurus or something else equally... intelligent.

Then I remembered this is us we're talking about. And since she already got me the 'how-to-write-porn" book... I was stumped. And then I get this picture message (taken while driving - BAD STY!):


A few minutes later she shows up with this gem. It is now my life book. It is my new sacred text that I refer to with alarming frequency. I've learned so much from this book in the short time it's been in my possession - I can't possibly understand how I survived before it.

I take it's teachings with me wherever I go and find myself so much more in control when I utilize the beautiful, delicious words it contains.

One word - Boofuckingyahthisshitistheshit!!!***

The bitch got me (ok, us) a book on cursing. I would have made out with her but I was too busy screaming excitedly. I immediately wrest it from her hands and flip open the book randomly. Basically, the book is essentially split into two sections - some words are innocent and others are SO not and you can flip through them to twist every day words into something punched-in-the-face-if-you-say-it worthy.

"Hey, ML!" I shout so all our neighbors can hear me and reaffirm their suspicions that I am 'fucking looped'. "You're a..." I flip madly through the book, "... Shit Wrangler!!!"

"Oh give me that." Clearly my clever cursing isn't nearly offensive enough for the BFF who blushes as I'm bellowing expletives at certain video games during parties. STY suddenly wrestles the book out of my hands. "When I first opened it at the book store it opened to 'Clit Shitter'. I was sold." she admits.

She flips through the book, giggling like a maniac, and shows me another magic dirty combination that makes me purposefully want to go to a crowded store and wait in a long line behind a retiree with a pocket full of coupons...

I've already used this one on someone. It was fun.

The only downside to this book was that ML was calling me a 'Titty Rammer' all weekend. Well, among the usual things.

Heck, even Edward got in on the action.

Why does this remind me of the "anatomically correct" Renesmess doll?? Hmmm...

The irony of this is that STY is, on occasion, absolutely, totally horrified by my mouth. Yet she encourages it... I think she is living vicariously through me and and my potty-mouthed glory! Sometimes I think I am lucky to have such a Queef Nugget of a BFF. Just sayin'.

*** STY thought that I probably should put a little mention in this post about the fact that I put up a picture with a bronze stag schlong and the Cullen Crest. I wish I could come up with some witty quip about this but , honestly, I can't. This setup seriously exists in my house. I guess that's just how I roll...

42 comments:

  1. Best book ever. I NOW have half my christmas shopping done...my friends are, not suprisingly, as fould mouthed as I. I feel like I met a long lost family member by being introduced to this book today...

    ReplyDelete
  2. Oh!!!!!! Ang hit the nail on the head!! HELLO long lost cousin that I never knew I had! I'm hitting Amazon.com immediately after this comment to order my own copy. I list "cursing" as a hobby - when the kids aren't around, of course. In fact, just saying the word CURSE is cathartic to me! This will boost the creativity infinitely!

    Am very anxious to see the forthcoming "improvements" to your blog writing now that you have this little gem. Good find, and well played, STY!!!

    ReplyDelete
  3. I am at a loss for words. I think I need that book more than ever even though I have been trying to clean up my mouth in front of the kid. Oh the possibilities for releasing my pent up road rage.

    ReplyDelete
  4. I thought maybe you had a rare Cullen-crested collector's edition something or other when I saw that picture - it was equally as amazing as the book! Now I'm thinking of what I could put a Cullen crest on at my house that would look as awesome.

    ReplyDelete
  5. ha ha flippin funny! Oh how about your stag ornament how about in true "Twitarded" fashion - "Stagsicle"..... ha ha

    ReplyDelete
  6. Need it...Want it...Definitely interested in the story on who you used "whore flaps" on! lol Oh, to be a fly on that wall.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Muff Donkey. That is now my new word. I need that book!

    ReplyDelete
  8. I can't wait to purchase that fucking delicious literary masterpiece! It will be so popular at my office where cursing is required. There is nothing better than a new curse word!! Nice find STY... Wahoooo!

    JJ - is that the Cullen crest that came with your Pocket Edward? I have one just like it... although it's not displayed on a bronze stag boner.

    ReplyDelete
  9. Haha that book is awesome and I can't wait to get my hands on one!

    ReplyDelete
  10. I just ordered 3 copies! What a great gift idea!

    ReplyDelete
  11. OME. I just reserved a copy at my local B&N. Can't wait to pick it up tomorrow.

    ReplyDelete
  12. I just KNEW you guys would be as stoked I was. It never occurred to me, that such a thing existed.

    We are all going to end up being the biggest potty mouths. Ever. So much for Twilight being PG. Meh, fuck 'em.

    As for the Cullen crest - yes, it came with my mini Edward, the Ming reader. I'm not sure how it ended up around the Heizler(?) sculpture (LONG story about that statue, jftr)but it was so priceless (or, in my words, just fucking weird) I never moved it.

    I have to admit it, but I'm really surprised anyone noticed the Buck cock. I gotta say. You all ARE really pervy. :P

    ReplyDelete
  13. How much do I want a copy of that book now :)

    ReplyDelete
  14. he he Whoo hoo! "Bucksicle", "Stagsicle", whatever the "Fucksicle"..... ha ha

    ReplyDelete
  15. JJ, I spend $9.99 (plus 7% tax!) on a book designed to make the best curse word combos on the mother-effing planet and you give me "meh fuck 'em" and not "fuck those wang gobblers"?! Really?! wtf?! I try to make every day like effing foul-language christmas for you and this is the thanks I get?! whore banging ingrate...

    P.S. Yes, JJ and I will be writing the sequel to this book as I haven't laid eyes on it since twenty minutes after I left Barnes & Noble but still came up with a few semi-suitable (imho) creative curses. JJ is a bad influence. And I [heart] her for it.

    ReplyDelete
  16. Wang Gobblers?!? Holy crap, I want to die right now. Nothing will ever be funnier.

    ReplyDelete
  17. Oh JJ...so many things. First, I thought well that book has got to be great but I bet there isn't anything in there that could beat "douche waffle"...until you said "queef nugget!!" That there is some funny shit and you know I'm going to be using it!! And the bronze stag shlong??? WTF??? But I love it;) I'm so buying myself that book!!

    ReplyDelete
  18. I don't even know what to say. That's how beautiful this all is... Oh Lord.

    Stacie207 has her three copies on their way, people are throwing out words like "muff donkey," "wang gobblers," "douche waffle" and "queef nugget"... seriously if I died right this moment... Happiness. I have seen the glory of the one and only Pattinson. And now I have heard the words of the angels. What more do I need? Truly?

    ReplyDelete
  19. OMG! My hubby works in the oilfield. They have the worst potty mouths EVER! He's going to LOVE this! TY, TY, TY for sharing! =] The guys at work will be rolling... That's some funny shizz!

    ReplyDelete
  20. Who knew Tourette's syndrome could be so fun? Thanks, JJ and STY for kicking my cursing up a level. I just found the Christmas present for my non-Twi-lurking BFF (who curses SO much and SO, SO publically). You guys ROCK!!!

    ReplyDelete
  21. PS - I just had to type "holensap" to post my comment. Do you think the people who created the "type this word to prove you're a real person" program also wrote your book?

    ReplyDelete
  22. Bitches and I were just talking about how fucking bad our language has gotten recently (we think it's due to our current erotic paranormal romance reading selection). We should definitely procure this book to continue our descent into depravity.

    ReplyDelete
  23. You all are killing me!! I'm trying not to giggle here at work.

    Oh, and STY, my loving bff Jizz Nugget, you're never getting that book back. All I'm saying is if you put the word 'Granny' into any of these curses it's... kind of creepy. You Granny Rammer.

    ReplyDelete
  24. *sigh*

    And now I'll be mentally calling everyone a Granny Rammer all day...

    ReplyDelete
  25. Holy Donkey Balls! When I go to Amazon it says "Customers who bought this item also bought- The Twilight Soundtrack and Twilight The Complete Illustrated Movie Companion"...HA HA HA! We all look like pervs now! Hee-Hee!

    ReplyDelete
  26. Note to moms of kindergartners:

    The design and packaging of this book is suspiciously similar to flash cards intended for young, learning-to-read innocents.

    When said children are present, you might need to secure your filthy cursing manual alongside the meds and toxic cleaning products.

    Or else you might get a distress call from a kindergarten teacher.

    ;P

    ReplyDelete
  27. @TwiSessed - I noticed the same thing that customers bought Twilight stuff. Just goes to show you that us Twitards are potty-mouthed bitches!! Wahoooo!

    My copy of this book can't get to me fast enough! I wanna play.... I wanna create new curse words...me me me!!

    ReplyDelete
  28. OMG how do you not snort Jell-o out of your nose after reading a post like this!

    ReplyDelete
  29. You guys are the absolute best and I mean just your damn personalities! Love it as always and now I fucken want that book too. I'm not creative enough to come up with anthing. Off to the bookstore!

    ReplyDelete
  30. This is fan freaking tastic!! I have got to get one of these so I can come up with more creative ways to curse if front of my 3 year old! The same old thing gets boring after a while!

    ReplyDelete
  31. the DH and I realized that we needed to reign in the mouths as the toddler was starting to spout words right and left...and who knew when a bad one was going to come out, right? So we came up with JACKHOLE. Part jackass & part asshole. I;m sure others have thought of it, but to my knowledge, I've never heard anyone else use it. So there's my educational nugget to share with all of you. Go forth & use it well, my Twitarded, Foul-mouthed friends!

    ReplyDelete
  32. HAHAHAHA!!!! Isn't it the best when you find a little something that you know your friend will love with all of their heart?!

    ReplyDelete
  33. Where can I buy one?!? That is hilarious

    ReplyDelete
  34. what an amazing find!!!!!

    ReplyDelete
  35. @JJ/STY--Love the book! I definitely need this and know at least a couple of my BFFs that need it too. You need to get somse kickback from all these sales!

    @Anne--love the 'jackhole' creation. I use 'frak' a lot from BSG. I also kind of gave up (within some reason) after my second child and just tell my kids that swear words are adult words and are not for children--kind of like alcohol is an adult drink (or as I say my 'medicine'). So far this seems to working--or perhaps they have the foulest mouths on the playground and I just don't know it yet--oh well, no "mother of the year" award for me...yet again.

    ReplyDelete
  36. You guys are cracking me up! I like Jackhole, too!

    I have to say, one of my favorite 'non-swear' swear words is 'sofa king'. Love it!!

    ReplyDelete
  37. JJ, you are sofa-king awesome. Just sayin'.

    ReplyDelete
  38. Fucking Awsome!!!!!!! idk hwut else to say!!!

    i've realized latley, since i've begun reading the twi-smut you lovley ladies showed me, i say the word fuck, so much more ( its in almost all the stories, ALOT). but really fuck is getting boring, so now look a new way to come up with some random cuss words.......

    my mind is already creating new ones, lol good call on the book JJ

    ReplyDelete
  39. @Mrs. Robinsane-too freakin funny. I have a kindergartener who would be all over the "flashcard book." Good advice;) Although, I think she's got the naughty word thing covered. There's nothing like hearing your two year old exclaim, "what the fuck?" from the backseat. I blame the father;)

    ReplyDelete
  40. While that book looks extremely funny, I'm kinda' disappointed in you two! All you had to do was come to me and I could have taught you all those words. *wink*

    But if you really want to learn from the master, go watch Rob Zombie's Halloween remake. Holy crap, talk about...um..."colorful" phrases!

    ReplyDelete
  41. TwilightobsessedMamaMay 29, 2009 at 9:15 AM

    I showed this to my husband the day it was posted becuase I thought he would get a kick out of it and last night he brought one home for me!!! I am having so much fun!

    ReplyDelete
  42. I haven't laughed soo much in ages, my sides hurt! I want,want,want that book badly & I'm going to give it to all my BFF's!
    This site is hilarious & tnxs for making pervyness acceptable.

    ReplyDelete

Comments are our life now. Leave one!