Thursday, May 28, 2009

Real Men Love Twilight - That's Right!!

Wanna know why guys who like Twilight get laid? Because we're thinking of these dudes while we're doin' them.

Despite the fact that Mommy (not a)Jerkface has been permanently banned at Twitarded, she still occasionally sends me stuff to feed my fix. Naturally, the links she sends me aren't riddled with expletives or detailed descriptions of Edward's throbbing member and what he plans on doing with it, but I still love getting her emails.

So I was confused when she sent me an email titled 'Real Men Love Twilight!'. I was thinking to myself, is Mommy finally reading fan fiction? because those male characters are real men, all right. Once again, my head was firmly planted where everyone here seems to like it: in the gutter.

This is an article from an NPR show called My Guilty Pleasure (which is not nearly as dirty as it sounds, much to my disappointment). It's the transcript, actually, but I think there is a nifty linky dink if you want to listen to it; I believe it's one of those new-fangled deevices they call a 'podcast'. The author, Brad Meltzer, comes out of Twi closet and admits his unabashed, unconditional love of Twilight.
I love this story of the gawky, awkward girl who falls in love with the brooding vampire. And I love that she can't get sexual with said vampire because when her blood gets pumping, it'll send him into a frenzy and he'll kill her. (How's that for a prophylactic?)
Side note - Prophylactic? That's not a prophylactic, that's a god damned chastity belt, that's what that is. The ultimate cock block, if you will. But I digress.
I realized this when I went to see the Twilight movie. Yes, I was there. Opening weekend. We got a babysitter for it. And I sat there in the dark with my wife and a roomful of suburban mothers and a smattering of teenage daughters. I counted. There were four other men (all teenagers) besides me. Me. Four dragged-along boyfriends. And the rest women.
This got me thinking: were there any wieners in the crowd when we went to see Twilight? I honestly can't say I remember any dudes the first time we saw the movie, but that may have been because we were laughing too hard to actually scope out the crowd. However, I do remember--clearly--two guys sitting in the theater the third [sigh] time we went.

They were probably in their late teens, early twenties at most. In between our uncontrollable snickering, snorting and giggling (not to mention our feeble and futile attempts at stifling all the above), STY nudged me and pointed them out. They were sitting in the row ahead of us, and since there was a vacant seat in between theirs, we assumed the ladies were in the bathroom. I mean, there was no way these guys were there to watch Twilight without women involved, right? I figured that the only guys who read the series were doing it in order to a) get laid by some Twi-obsessed chick or b) pick up pointers on how to be more like Edward so they could get laid by some Twi-obsessed chick.

As the lights dimmed and no one with a pair of boobies claimed the seats near them, we realized that, oh yes, they were there to see Twilight. Of their own volition.

Tee hee. Suckers. I would occasionally glance at them throughout the movie, perplexed by not only their presence but the fact that they didn't sit next to each other. Come on, dudes! We all KNEW you guys were together, for all intents and purposes. You kept whispering to each other across that lonely, empty seat. And it sure looked like you guys were enjoying the movie. In fact, I think I saw one of you getting a little bouncy in your seat during the baseball scene. Was it Rosalie in those tight ol' pants? Jasper? Hey, no worries, I'm not judging. Maybe you just really liked the books. Or you got suckered into thinking you were about to see an action-packed horror flick where some very bad vamp blood was spilled! Er, I don't know if this was actually the case, but I realize that some dudes felt duped by the advertising. Anyhoo, if you ever happen across this blog, will you explain why you were there? Because at the time I practically had to physically restrain STY from flouncing over to you after the movie and demanding an explanation of your presence, and now I kinda wish I had let her go...

Yet, it's become very clear to me that guys do read the series. And actually enjoy it. It wasn't too long ago that I discovered Brother Jerkface was reading Twilight! And let me tell you, he's a pretty no nonsense, serious kinda guy. Brother Jerkface would not take kindly to being called that mythical of all creatures, a Unicorn, but I've got to call them as I see 'em... Oh, and before I forget, a guy who likes Twilight is known as a Unicorn, in Twi vernacular. You probably should know that, just in case you ever meet one of us 'natives' of Twiland.

So, the next time someone gets all macho about guys reading Twilight, just remind them how much easier it would be to get laid if they were all just like Edward...

Except this guy - he don't like Twilight... only himself


  1. my husband is on eclipse and i swear it's turned me on even more to know he's reading them. he loves them, which shocks me since it's not at all his normal cup of tea. he still doesn't know about fanfic, i'm too embarassed to tell him! but he's reaping the benefits... oh yes he is.

  2. Ack! Not that guy again. The scarf does nothing to hide the shame he should feel.

  3. My husband will not touch Twilight, unfortunately, but my 16 year old nephew has read them all. In fact three days before 'Twilight' came out he called me (knowing I am completely obsessed) and asked if I would take him to see 'Twilight'. I was so flattered. He loved the books and he loved the movie. I think he asked me to take him because none of his guy friends wanted to go and he was too embarassed to ask any of his girl friends.

    Both times I saw the movie in the theater there were a few men in the crowd....grown men who I assumed were there with their wives/girlfriends.

    BTW--I think everyone at NPR secretly loves Twilight--they had tons of coverage about it when the movie came out--not really your typical NPR subject matter. They even put it in their recap of important/memorable things that happened in 2008.

    @JJ--love the captions above. Especially the first one--stop blowing our cover girl.

  4. Hey its Creeptastic dude!!!!
    God loves a try-er, but sadly inflicts creepo-Iwishiwasavamp-On us.

    Happy days

  5. I haven't seen my husband read a book in years. Can't imagine him picking up Twilight; although he admitted the movie "wasn't bad." Like the others have said, he has most definitely reaped the benefits:) I heart me some Twiporn!

    Shit! Now I'm going to have nightmares again about creeptastic boy! At least that picture isn't as scary as the last one!

  6. @VitaminR70 - Sorry 'bout blowing our cover. I figure if they come here and see that, they'll just work that much harder... right?

    (Ok, I've been watching True Blood and probably should stay away from commenting)

    And I love how you all have basically named creepy dude. I can only hope that he never finds out I've discovered his cache of internet pictures... that's what you get when you post pics of yourself online!!! LOL!

  7. Frankly, I don't think my husband even knows what Twilight is... I generally restrain myself from speaking of it in his presence, but when it does come up, he gets this confused look on his face like duh, what the hell are you talking about? I actually think this is good for me - there is no suspicion as to what I do with my free time.... However, I have to agree with you ladies (and I use that term loosely), he does reap the benefits of the dirty fanfic and he has no idea why!! LOL!

    PS - Quit it with the creepy dude, he burns my retinas!

  8. Cock-block - Love it! haha

    Maybe the guys in front of you in the movies "were bent as a nine bob note" if you catch my drift? Not that there is anything wrong with that Twi-Hards are made up of all kinds of wonderful peeps :)

    "uni-corn" or was it "uni-HORN"...

    Bloody Nora that creepy bad hairdo guy is back! I'm sure his mum loves him though..

  9. I still can't believe that there are actual, heterosexual men that enjoy Twilight. DON'T GET ME WRONG! I know all kinds of guys who are into fantasy/sci-fi books and had a bunch of guy friends who were totally into Buffy (but, come on, it's not like Sarah Michelle Gellar made the show difficult to watch or anything). It's just, that for me, the story's basically about the love story and most guys I know don't get into the romance bit.

    But more power to you Unicorns. And start lurking around the theaters when New Moon comes out. You're sure to get laid. :)

    @themrs - ditch the shame and tell your hubby about fanfic. things will only get hotter. TRUST ME! ;)

    @VitaminR70 - you are SO right about the folks at NPR and I should have realized it earlier, I listen to it ALL the time. Sweet! That makes me feel like less of a twislut. Or maybe I should start wondering just what NPR is doing with my pledge money. Hmmm.....

  10. @Heather--Ha! Ha! I like your comment about the pledge money--it somehow just makes me feel better about my obsession with all this....puts a little intellectual spin on it if you will. :)

  11. My husband hasn't read any of the Twilight books but he has admited to reading most of Ann Rice's Vampire Chronicles. I think with Twilight it's the style of reading. If it's a good book, guys will read it but since Twilight is from Bella's POV I don't blame any guy for being afraid to touch it and for any guy embracing it. Hell. He'd be one of the few guys at a Twilight event and think about the guy/girl ratio. I'm surprised more straight guys aren't using this as a way to meet chicks. Pretend you like Twilight, get the girl drunk.. LOL.

  12. I work with a guy that is a fan of the books and the movie. He knows I like them.. but He does not know of my obession with it... (no one knows how bad mine is..) well other than these blogs. It is comforting knowing I can come here and feel normal. LOL I LOVE Ralphie! (I choo-choo choose you Edward!) And uhh.... creepy crepperson or whatever he is.. ick.

  13. My husband was going to read Twilight, when my daughter told him to (she knows how to twist dad around her finger), but as he grew progressively more jealous of a certain fictional vampire, he flatly refuses. Oh well, he's been reaping the benefits of my obsession, especially the Fanfic.

    Thank goodness those yummy shirtless Robward pics are eveywhere - I don't want to go through the day with visions of Ralphie (no matter how much I love him) or that freakin' scary Bad Vampire in my head!

  14. Ladies (and gentlemen?):

    I can't wait to see the faces of all the males in the theater during "New Moon," when Edward unleashes his big "reveal" in the square...thereby stunning the female contingency with his taut and bedazzled shoulders/arms/torso (which ALL of us have already seen...and by which we will still be stunned, nonetheless), and thoroughly depressing their grumbling male companions.

    (Note to moms: Reminds me of the SpongeBob episode in which Squidward tries to squelch his jealousy of rich, dapper former classmate Squilliam by picturing him in his underwear...cut to image of Squilliam in boxers, his (literally) chiseled abs ablaze...Squidward: "Oh no, he's hot!")

  15. O-M-E!!!!! bad vampire makes his triumphant return!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i only know 2 guys who admit to liking twilight, 1 has read the books and seen the movie, and will be going with me at midnight to see new moon, he is def a unicorn. the other watched the movie with me last week, and now claims to love it, but i just think he says it to try and get in my pants. sooo not happening,this is the same guy who asked to be my edward or jacob, and that i lovingly refer to as my mike newton. lol

  16. When we went to the movie, my bff MADE her hubby go and my niece MADE her boyfriend go. They actually liked the movie. Well mainly just the fight scene. But guess who will be FORCED to go with us to see New Moon. Yep they don't even know it's coming. LOL

  17. Hey everyone.

    This may seem weird, I'm 16, Almost 17, Male, From New Zealand.

    I know quite a few guys that read twilight, and I myself am rather obsessed with it.

    I went to see the movie the day it came out in New Zealand, and enjoyed it thoroughly.

    I now have the DVD, and watch it regularly for the particular reason.

    Yup, I'm the first to admit, I'm a twi-obsessed guy.

    And I have a Girlfriend. She went to the movie with me xD .

    She actually thinks it's cool that I'm into it as much as she is, and I can't stop reading the books, over and over .. . . . . .

    Anyway, The cinema was basically empty when we saw it.

    There was me, My GF, another couple and a few single girls.


    Is there anything to feed my twilight hunger other than reading the books and seeing the movieS ?

  18. hello ladies a few of you know me, but most of you have no clue i exist lol i'm iwACpjs, (i wear alice cullen pajamas) any way i'm a 27 year old male that went to twilight the movie with my sister having no clue and now i'm a twihard. shit happens !!! Jordan kudos it takes a real man with a huge set to admit he likes twilight. ONE FINAL MYTH GETTING LAID CAUSE OF TWILIGHT..... DOESN'T HAPPEN!!! BALL BUSTED BY YOUR BOYS IS ABOUT IT...


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