Wanna know why guys who like Twilight get laid? Because we're thinking of these dudes while we're doin' them.
Despite the fact that Mommy (not a)Jerkface has been permanently banned at Twitarded, she still occasionally sends me stuff to feed my fix. Naturally, the links she sends me aren't riddled with expletives or detailed descriptions of Edward's throbbing member and what he plans on doing with it, but I still love getting her emails.
So I was confused when she sent me an email titled 'Real Men Love Twilight!'. I was thinking to myself, is Mommy finally reading fan fiction? because those male characters are real men, all right. Once again, my head was firmly planted where everyone here seems to like it: in the gutter.
This is an article from an NPR show called My Guilty Pleasure (which is not nearly as dirty as it sounds, much to my disappointment). It's the transcript, actually, but I think there is a nifty linky dink if you want to listen to it; I believe it's one of those new-fangled deevices they call a 'podcast'. The author, Brad Meltzer, comes out of Twi closet and admits his unabashed, unconditional love of Twilight.
I love this story of the gawky, awkward girl who falls in love with the brooding vampire. And I love that she can't get sexual with said vampire because when her blood gets pumping, it'll send him into a frenzy and he'll kill her. (How's that for a prophylactic?)Side note - Prophylactic? That's not a prophylactic, that's a god damned chastity belt, that's what that is. The ultimate cock block, if you will. But I digress.
I realized this when I went to see the Twilight movie. Yes, I was there. Opening weekend. We got a babysitter for it. And I sat there in the dark with my wife and a roomful of suburban mothers and a smattering of teenage daughters. I counted. There were four other men (all teenagers) besides me. Me. Four dragged-along boyfriends. And the rest women.
This got me thinking: were there any wieners in the crowd when we went to see Twilight? I honestly can't say I remember any dudes the first time we saw the movie, but that may have been because we were laughing too hard to actually scope out the crowd. However, I do remember--clearly--two guys sitting in the theater the third [sigh] time we went.
They were probably in their late teens, early twenties at most. In between our uncontrollable snickering, snorting and giggling (not to mention our feeble and futile attempts at stifling all the above), STY nudged me and pointed them out. They were sitting in the row ahead of us, and since there was a vacant seat in between theirs, we assumed the ladies were in the bathroom. I mean, there was no way these guys were there to watch Twilight without women involved, right? I figured that the only guys who read the series were doing it in order to a) get laid by some Twi-obsessed chick or b) pick up pointers on how to be more like Edward so they could get laid by some Twi-obsessed chick.
As the lights dimmed and no one with a pair of boobies claimed the seats near them, we realized that, oh yes, they were there to see Twilight. Of their own volition.
Tee hee. Suckers. I would occasionally glance at them throughout the movie, perplexed by not only their presence but the fact that they didn't sit next to each other. Come on, dudes! We all KNEW you guys were together, for all intents and purposes. You kept whispering to each other across that lonely, empty seat. And it sure looked like you guys were enjoying the movie. In fact, I think I saw one of you getting a little bouncy in your seat during the baseball scene. Was it Rosalie in those tight ol' pants? Jasper? Hey, no worries, I'm not judging. Maybe you just really liked the books. Or you got suckered into thinking you were about to see an action-packed horror flick where some very bad vamp blood was spilled! Er, I don't know if this was actually the case, but I realize that some dudes felt duped by the advertising. Anyhoo, if you ever happen across this blog, will you explain why you were there? Because at the time I practically had to physically restrain STY from flouncing over to you after the movie and demanding an explanation of your presence, and now I kinda wish I had let her go...
Yet, it's become very clear to me that guys do read the series. And actually enjoy it. It wasn't too long ago that I discovered Brother Jerkface was reading Twilight! And let me tell you, he's a pretty no nonsense, serious kinda guy. Brother Jerkface would not take kindly to being called that mythical of all creatures, a Unicorn, but I've got to call them as I see 'em... Oh, and before I forget, a guy who likes Twilight is known as a Unicorn, in Twi vernacular. You probably should know that, just in case you ever meet one of us 'natives' of Twiland.So, the next time someone gets all macho about guys reading Twilight, just remind them how much easier it would be to get laid if they were all just like Edward...