Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Robert Pattinson's Cult of Personality Explained!

As everyone is undoubtedly aware, today is a national holiday in Twilightland: the birthday of Robert Pattinson. I'm not going to talk about how old he is and I am definitely not mentioning what year he was born in because it makes me feel ancient, but I am happy to report that he DOES fit within my socially acceptable "date-able" age range using the "half-your-age-plus-seven" rule, so it's all good!

I am also pleased to announce that in R-Patts's honor, we will temporarily cease burning everyone's collective retinas with scary Edward dolls (and scarier, much-furrier-everywhere Jacob & Renesme dolls...) so that we can celebrate all things Robward!

Happy Birthday, you sexy beast!

At one point or another, most of us who frequent Twitarded (myself included) have taken a step back from our obsession for a moment to ask "What the fuck happened to me?!" We know it's true - we've been there--hell, we are still there--we're living that same life! We all know we're too old for this teeny-bopper-level crushing on an actor, a fictional character, or (even worse) the bastardized hybrid we've made of the two. But I have good news for you! It isn't your fault. There is nothing that any mere mortal could have done to prevent the onset of this disturbing level of infatuation. That's right: I'm here to tell you that you never had a chance against his effortlessly beguiling ways. And I'm gonna prove it.

To back me up, I defer to my reference book of choice on all tremendously important matters, The Secret Language of Birthdays. If you've never heard of it, it's a book that gives a personality profile based on the day you were born. And while I'm not one who typically buys in to this kind of hooey, it is generally eerily accurate in most instances. This is most definitely one of them. I'll pluck a few choice passages and you can decide for yourself!

May Thirteenth: THE DAY OF NATURAL APPEAL [I shit you not.]

May 13 people often have great popular appeal in their immediate social circle or in society at large [you don't say...]. With apparent ease, in the most natural manner possible, they can achieve the recognition and success that others must struggle to attain...Those born on this day have a marked influence on others [you don't say?]...Those born on May 13 often transmit their message through their physical presence [hubba-hubba!] and activities involving the human body [whoooo!!!]...Naturalness and playfulness remain the hallmarks of this day...May 13 people must must guard against discouragement, disillusion, pessimism and melancholy [stop hiding in your hotel room and under your hoodie, R-Patts - it's no good for you!]...The joy of sharing time with others brings health benefits as well [see?! it's a reciprocal relationship: he needs us, we need him!].

Wanna know what other famous people were born on May 13th? Stevie Wonder! Dennis Rodman! Harvey Keitel! Stephen Colbert! Allison Goldfrapp! Oh, and Jim Jones... I've already likened the Twilight experience to "drinking the kool-aid," but I didn't know the extent of it! And admit it: if Robert Pattinson told you he wanted to build a paradise in Central America and would you please join him and come along??? You'd be right there faster than you can say "One way ticket to Guyana, please!"

I found an absolutely exhaustive astrological profile for the Robster over at Astrotheme (Jackie Stallone wasn't available...), so feel free to take a look there if you're into star-houses, polarities, and the like, but since I happen to know that like me, most of you have the attention span of a hamster, I have taken the liberty of pulling out a handful of totally random Taurus factoids. Disjointed? Yes. All 100% absolutely true? You betcha!

Chinese Astrology: Fire Tiger [Hot diggity Rawr!!]

Taurus governs the neck and the throat. [LOL!!!]

Colors are green or brown [amber?!], day is Friday [yay Friday! Who doesn't love Friday?], professions are cook [yes, sticking stuff in the microwave counts!], artist [whoot!], singer [yeah baby!] Taurus is faithful [isn't it true, Robward?], constant [aren't all vampires?], strong [ditto!], sensual [duh], and loyal.
Some traditional associations with Taurus: Countries: Switzerland [Go Team Switzerland! oh fuck it: I am SO Team Edward...]. Food: apples.

You are quite introverted [so shy!], imaginative and sometimes discreet, but you are a deep and wise person who is not content with just noisy and flashy things. You are a magnetic and mighty predator who needs to exert pressure on others in order to "test" them [test me! test MEEEEE!!!]. You are always ready to live more intensely whilst imposing your secret authority on things and on people you encounter [mmm... "secret authority..."]. You are very sensitive to your environment. You “feel” atmospheres, moods and other people’s emotions [just like Jasper!]
You are a good adviser, a reliable person whom people can confide in discreetly [K-Stew, we're lookin' in your direction...]. You usually express yourself with a lot of charm. You have so much charm and so much volubility that you easily manage to be what is known as a lady-killer.
Your physical urges are pressing [hee-hee!]; you are sensual and pleasure takes an important place in your life. [faints; falls over...]
You are so resistant and so solid that you are able to cope with any challenge, any ordeal. [Even crazy fangirls! SQUEEEEEE!!!]

You know who is NOT a cult of personality? This guy - our new semi-official mascot here at Twitarded, Bad Vampire:

Bad Vampire sez "Happy Effing Birfday Robwaaaaard!!!"


  1. Wow some of that was remarkably dead-on! "Your physical urges are pressing [hee-hee!]; you are sensual and pleasure takes an important place in your life. [faints; falls over...]".......Hmmmm very interesting =). I also wonder how he transmits messages through activities involving his body, my mind is suddenly wandering into some very naughty places.

  2. bawhahahahahaha!! this is hilarious and awesome! i am so excited to have something to blame my obsession on... "honey, the STARS made me do it!" yes he will believe that! won't he?

  3. Even using the "half you age plus seven" rule, he's still too young for me..... aw, fuck it, I'd still do him! Damn he is delicious! Is he on your list of 5? (You know the list, right?)

    And I pretty much blame you guys for everything Twi-related....even though I honestly didn't need much of a push! You guys truly do rock!

    PS - I finally started reading Wide Awake and I'm totally addicted! That is some good shit. Wow.

  4. You guys crack me up! haha

    Wow, how spot on is this? Too funny!

    I loved - sensual and pleasure takes an important place in your life (faints..falls over) I laughed so bloody hard.

  5. i call second in line for that test me test me part!!! haha

    :: eyes glaze over and drifts into a daydream:: ........ OH shit sorry, was just thinking of rab and cake, yummmmmmmmm

  6. FUCK! I can't add and/or didn't read carefully... He is NOT in my "half + 7" range. Dang it!!!

    Oh well - the rules don't really apply to unfulfillable Twilight crushes/obsessions, do they?? Nope!

  7. I feel so much better. It's like learning I have a disease and not just the crazies...wait, is that better.

    Who f-in cares. I am almost 7 years older than this MAN and I think that is socially acceptable. TO ME.

  8. I also saw this online today, it totally supports your theories!!


  9. Oh, what a good way to end my day... reading your blog. I am too tired to even do the half-my-age-plus-7 calc's, but all I can say is: he's legal. If can work for Demi & Ashton.... Sigh!

    I have to get this book! Bloody brilliant!

  10. "Hot diggity Rawr"--I really need to find a way to fit that into my daily conversations.

    I like the half-your-age-plus-seven rule--that works for me. That puts me at 26--that works right?

    That is scarily spot on, that birthday we know you love a little woo-woo hooey--I knew under that super sassy/snarky exterior there was some woo-woo lurking. Somehow I just don't think the "But honey he was born on The Day of Natural Appeal" is going to work with my hubby.....but, it works for me!

    Can I just say that I am so happy you had another excuse to post that GQ photo....every time I see that it makes me feel something that no 38 year old, married mother of two should be feeling about a practically half my age actor. Sigh.

    Happy Birthday Rob-wherever you are.

  11. Please, for the love of all that is holy...stop putting that picture of the emo bad vampire dude in here! AHHHHH!

  12. Bad Vampire is going to give me nightmares. Must focus on Robdreams:)

  13. "attention span of a hamster"...I spit my drink out when I read that...seriously. I sent the picture of the bad vampire to a friend and told her he was her boyfriend for the day. She cursed me to hell. hehhehee And thanks for the GQ pic. I really can't see that enough.


    That sounds dirrrty!

    I like it! :D

  15. LOL!!!!! Seriously you ladies never cease to amamze me. This is awesome!! Yes, thank you for the GQ pic. By far one of his best. Huh-ma-nah!

  16. This was fantastic!! some things are spot on!!
    As always, let me tell you this is genious!!
    Ohh and thank you, because the part about "it is not your fault".. was a relieve.. hehe

  17. JJ, STY, Twitard commenters, knowing Mr. Pattinson is irresistible & red wine have officially made this day FABULOUS (especially Hot diggity Rawr - which I too shall be using VitiamR70). What would make it perfect? Oh some more wine & smut.

    I heart you ladies. Thank you as always.

  18. That was an awesome thing you did for mankind. Thank you for releasing us from any guilt for our Twitardation.

    I will now go to bed repeating, "It's all in the stars. Not my fault. Not my fault."

  19. Hmm...I don't know if I agree with that description of May 13-ers. My sister was born on May 13 and much of what was written doesn't apply to her. She's not lovable, charming, any of those. And nowhere in there does it say May 13-ers are psychotic bitches from hell who should be on massive doses of anti-fucked-up meds and/or permanently locked away in abandoned insane asylums.

  20. Holy effing crap. Coffee through the nose HURTS. And my cat looked at me like I'm a freakin retard. That's how funny this is.

    Not gonna lie, I'm only about a year-ish older than Robward, so it's not super creepy for me, but I still like that it's not my fault, and that I never had a chance. lol

    And now all I can think is "he fits in my range" ... how filthy.

  21. I HAVE FOUND MY HOME... 39 year old mom of 3 girls. closet twilight addict.

  22. @gigi ~ welome to the mayhem.

    he fits in my range, lol, im hoping that applies in urmm *other* ways for rob as well,

  23. Aww Rob. Happy Birthday, you damn, fine, good looking, sexy beast of a man. Is anyone planning on seeing Little Ashes? Isn't there the whole 'tuck' scene that might be interesting? I mean not the 'tuck part' but the thought of him naked!

  24. Ok, my husband just threw out a comment. He says that us twitarded women, if in the presences of Rob probably would act most like "Alice Huff" in Step Brothers and he points out the part where Alice attacks John C. Reilly's character and acts all freaky and weird. I had to laugh at his comment but if you guys have seen Step Brothers, you'll know what I'm talking about. LOL.

  25. Thank goodness there is an explanation for my obession for all things Robward. It was apparently destined to be. Glad to know that it's not my fault for all the Rob-related websites in my "favorites" list.

    All the shame and guilt is slothing off of me righ at this moment! Thank you stars!

  26. @marie - if you have a mind that frequently goes to dirty places, we're glad you came to Twitarded! our minds are always lurking at gutter-level, it would seem...

    @kdgrimmer - it's true! how can anyone deny the power of the cosmos?! you cannot. : )

    @Stacy - er, I think I have a "List of One" - lol! and if we're pushers, you guys are easy marks... just sayin'. but feel free to blame us for any ol' thing - we're ok with it!

    @limey-1996 - right?! that book really is pretty cool. fun to have around, too.

    @IPW4F - hmmmm... sounds like some little intimate b-day party your mind wandered off to for a minute there - perhaps you should try your hand at some naughty fanfic... : )

    @Amcs - ...and that's ALL that really matters, right?? glad i could help everyone with a proper diagnosis (although yes i still thing we are all a little crazy, too).

    @Ang - LOL! I checked that link - his name has "sparkling" in its origin?! too effing funny! but see? he was MEANT to be robward - it's kismet!

    @Anne - the book IS awesome and fun to drag out when you have people over. Highly recommend it! and i'm with you - who cares about the #s (this is especially true since i found out that i "broke the rule" - lol)?!

    @VitaminR70 - sorry dahling but unfortunately if your "half-plus-seven" puts you at 26, that means you shouldn't date anyone younger than 26. however, i don't remember anyone saying anything about a rule for who you can have wild, meaningless animal sex with, so we should be ok, should it ever come up[pun intended]. And I have to give credit to Pillow Biter for the "Rawr!" and i guess JJ for "diggity" - but i DID put them together nicely, if i don't say so myself. Oh, and I will NEVER tire of that GQ cover pic, so you'll see it often here for sure!: )

    @want2Binforks - right now that kid's pics have JJ & I in HYSTERICS so you all are all stuck with him until we're not laughing anymore or the court order shows up, whichever happens first. ; )

    @AJ - er, you have a point - maybe we shouldn't END with his pic - need to leave everyone with nice robward thoughts, not icky BV thoughts... my bad.

    @Darcy K - judging by how many pics of himself that dude has posted online, he REALLY likes himself, so i don't think he'd mind you passing him along like a little emo cyber-gigolo. he's probably down with that...

    @Anon - why is it that EVERYTHING sounds dirtier on this blog?? it's true - just dd twitarded and things somehow get all tawdry - lol!

    @Bobina - I [heart] that pic so much i would sleep with it under my pillow if Mr. Snarky would allow it. Granted, I haven't actually run run this by him but I am assuming he might not think it is as swell of an idea as I do. : )

    @Mechevpao - i think we can all rest a little easier knowing that we were helpless against all of this. I know I do!! And thanks for the compliments - I'm all warm & fuzzy now (or is that 'cause i'm thinkin' of robward?? hmmm...).

    @cuteangiek - as usual, you speaka our language: booze + smut = a red-letter day! : )

    @52 Faces - liberating, isn't it? I always hoped that i would be able to make SOME sort of positive contribution to mankind... This may not be quite the way i figured it would go, but i'll take it!

    @Koolio - um, I hate to break this to you, but I think maybe someone is fudging the numbers when it comes to your sister's b-day - lol!

    @Kathy - DON'T drink or eat while reading this blog. DON'T. it's never a good idea. but if it makes you feel any better, my cat is always shooting me the "you are NUTS" look, too. And you don't have to lie (although i AM amused that we maybe are making younger women consider lying about their age for a change - lol!) - i am mostly over the creepy factor, unless i think about it too much, which i don't...

    @gigi110 - yup! you've come to the right place, all right - welcome! i hope there's room in that closet for a twilight poster or two and your computer - sounds like you're spending some time in there so you might as well spruce it up - lol!

  27. @STY--Dammit. Way to take me down a notch.

    Isn't there any consideration for the fact that he is British? It is a known fact [don't ask me to site references cuz I have none--did you know that 78% of all quoted statistics are made up on the spot?] that a 23 year old Brit is every bit as mature, if not more so, than a 26 year old Yank. Throw me a bone here! [Yes, that sounds dirty here on Twitarded].

    Oh, OK, I will settle for being his older female confidant that he does shots of whisky with while he discusses all his deep, personal issues while he lays his head in my lap and I twirl my fingers in his greasy hair and run my fingers along his stubbly jaw...he wonders how the universe can be so cruel that I am not 16 years younger, single, and available.....Oh, sorry, just drifting off to fantasy land there for a bit ;)

  28. so how d'ya like them apples *man-boob-up-chuck guy* !!!


  29. haha "he fits in my range" that cracked me up.

    All together now let's sing - "If I'd known you were coming I'd have baked a cake, baked a cake... Even that sounds down right dirty. haha

  30. STY _ You slay me!
    I needed it after seeing Rob put his hands over face on his B-Day - wanting no pics anymore. Twitarded Posse may need to giddeyup.
    This is a much better way spend his B-Day. Reading STY! THX.

    [Hot diggity Rawr!!]

  31. @sty ~ i actually am trying to write one as we speak. i'm hopin that when its done and i post it on fanfic that maybe if its good enough it can be suggested for a future twi-smut day.

  32. THANK YOU STY!!! I knew it was his fault that I am crazy-14-year-old-Robsessed with him. Now I have to observe his B-day today since stupid real life made me do other things yesterday... time to drool on my TV screen over Twilight!

  33. Suspicions (theories - ha!) confirmed! Thank you, STY!! I just knew this could not be my fault. I feel sort of liberated today...

  34. Damn him straight to my fantasy bedroom!

    I need to confess just how "twitarded" I've become...
    This past weekend I plopped my ass on the couch, first thing in the morning, and watched twilight (not b/c I'm in love with the movie I just want to see Edward). Then I read a few chapters of new moon. I yelled at my husband (for so rudely interupting) that its my day off and not to burden me with thoughts of bills or the children. Then I proceeded to watch Twilight again, commentary on. Then read more New Moon. This was my saturday. (In my defense I am pregnant, this is my only vice)

    If I had balls, Wide Awake, has me by them.
    I'm just a very dirty, sick bitch. But I'm not ready to give it up yet.

    I've got a mad crush on a fictional character wtf do I do? And it doesn't matter whether or not it's a vampire edward or burned ptsd Edward. Sexual Edward is definitely my favorite. Rob's sexiness just makes it 100x's worse. Have I gone too far, past the point of no return? Is it sad that I want to stay?

    This is just too funny not to mention. My husband is accepting and jealous all at the same time. I catch him making snide remarks about twilight and Edward. And now he's watching Underworld repeatedly because Kate Beckinsale is his favorite vampire. Sex is still good though.

  35. btw I forgot to mention that R-pattz is definitely in my age range. He's only a couple years younger than me. To bad I'm pregnant, MARRIED w/children, and can't hop my ass right up there to vancouver (pretending like a local) and make him fall desperately in love with me. Fucking stretch marks are a dead giveaway, not to mention, no accent. GRRRRRR...

  36. @Scarlet Phoenix - i just read your comment in my gmail (where they all are copied) and i was DYING of laughter! That's hysterical and "your day off" sounds like the PERFECT day off from any Twitard's perspective, as far as i can tell! if it makes you feel any better i've received more than a couple of emails from people making similar statements regarding the depths of their obsession... All i can really say is you are definitely in good company - lol!! so you keep working the "i'm pregnant you must give me my way or ELSE" card and getting in all the twilight you can! and don't forget that people have suggested printing out fanfic to read during those late-nite feeding sessions...

    your fellow dirty, sick bitch (and loving every minute of it...),

    STY : )

  37. i fuckin love you. not as much as i love rob, but still.
    where have you been all my twilife?


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