I am also pleased to announce that in R-Patts's honor, we will temporarily cease burning everyone's collective retinas with scary Edward dolls (and scarier, much-furrier-everywhere Jacob & Renesme dolls...) so that we can celebrate all things Robward!
At one point or another, most of us who frequent Twitarded (myself included) have taken a step back from our obsession for a moment to ask "What the fuck happened to me?!" We know it's true - we've been there--hell, we are still there--we're living that same life! We all know we're too old for this teeny-bopper-level crushing on an actor, a fictional character, or (even worse) the bastardized hybrid we've made of the two. But I have good news for you! It isn't your fault. There is nothing that any mere mortal could have done to prevent the onset of this disturbing level of infatuation. That's right: I'm here to tell you that you never had a chance against his effortlessly beguiling ways. And I'm gonna prove it.
To back me up, I defer to my reference book of choice on all tremendously important matters, The Secret Language of Birthdays. If you've never heard of it, it's a book that gives a personality profile based on the day you were born. And while I'm not one who typically buys in to this kind of hooey, it is generally eerily accurate in most instances. This is most definitely one of them. I'll pluck a few choice passages and you can decide for yourself!
May Thirteenth: THE DAY OF NATURAL APPEAL [I shit you not.]
May 13 people often have great popular appeal in their immediate social circle or in society at large [you don't say...]. With apparent ease, in the most natural manner possible, they can achieve the recognition and success that others must struggle to attain...Those born on this day have a marked influence on others [you don't say?]...Those born on May 13 often transmit their message through their physical presence [hubba-hubba!] and activities involving the human body [whoooo!!!]...Naturalness and playfulness remain the hallmarks of this day...May 13 people must must guard against discouragement, disillusion, pessimism and melancholy [stop hiding in your hotel room and under your hoodie, R-Patts - it's no good for you!]...The joy of sharing time with others brings health benefits as well [see?! it's a reciprocal relationship: he needs us, we need him!].
Wanna know what other famous people were born on May 13th? Stevie Wonder! Dennis Rodman! Harvey Keitel! Stephen Colbert! Allison Goldfrapp! Oh, and Jim Jones... I've already likened the Twilight experience to "drinking the kool-aid," but I didn't know the extent of it! And admit it: if Robert Pattinson told you he wanted to build a paradise in Central America and would you please join him and come along??? You'd be right there faster than you can say "One way ticket to Guyana, please!"
I found an absolutely exhaustive astrological profile for the Robster over at Astrotheme (Jackie Stallone wasn't available...), so feel free to take a look there if you're into star-houses, polarities, and the like, but since I happen to know that like me, most of you have the attention span of a hamster, I have taken the liberty of pulling out a handful of totally random Taurus factoids. Disjointed? Yes. All 100% absolutely true? You betcha!
Chinese Astrology: Fire Tiger [Hot diggity Rawr!!]
Taurus governs the neck and the throat. [LOL!!!]
Colors are green or brown [amber?!], day is Friday [yay Friday! Who doesn't love Friday?], professions are cook [yes, sticking stuff in the microwave counts!], artist [whoot!], singer [yeah baby!] Taurus is faithful [isn't it true, Robward?], constant [aren't all vampires?], strong [ditto!], sensual [duh], and loyal.
Some traditional associations with Taurus: Countries: Switzerland [Go Team Switzerland! oh fuck it: I am SO Team Edward...]. Food: apples.
You are quite introverted [so shy!], imaginative and sometimes discreet, but you are a deep and wise person who is not content with just noisy and flashy things. You are a magnetic and mighty predator who needs to exert pressure on others in order to "test" them [test me! test MEEEEE!!!]. You are always ready to live more intensely whilst imposing your secret authority on things and on people you encounter [mmm... "secret authority..."]. You are very sensitive to your environment. You “feel” atmospheres, moods and other people’s emotions [just like Jasper!]
You are a good adviser, a reliable person whom people can confide in discreetly [K-Stew, we're lookin' in your direction...]. You usually express yourself with a lot of charm. You have so much charm and so much volubility that you easily manage to be what is known as a lady-killer.
Your physical urges are pressing [hee-hee!]; you are sensual and pleasure takes an important place in your life. [faints; falls over...]
You are so resistant and so solid that you are able to cope with any challenge, any ordeal. [Even crazy fangirls! SQUEEEEEE!!!]
You know who is NOT a cult of personality? This guy - our new semi-official mascot here at Twitarded, Bad Vampire: