Thursday, May 7, 2009

Thanks to Twilight Fanfiction - I'm Going to Fail My Class

EDIT - I accidentally hit 'publish post' with my forehead when I was banging it on the keyboard a few days ago so some of you might have gotten a glimpse at a post-in-the-making...

Seriously. I had the most tedious paper to write and I decided to take a quick break and read one chapter of Wide Awake, since everyone has been RAVING about it.

Two hours later, I wiped the sweat from my brow and got my breathing under control enough to realize I still had, oh, seven more pages to write. And did I mention it was a seven page paper?

Thanks, Wide Awake.

On that note, I actually did finish my paper (barely), three more chapters and about five meltdowns later (not to mention a few admonishing emails from STY...). Go me! Bad me, too.

I keep telling myself that my new-found fan fiction obsession is actually 'research' for my own piece of fan fiction but... well, fuck it, let's be honest. Some this stuff is HOT. I mean, it's OME-I-have-to-change-my-panties-AGAIN hawt.

I have also learned that fan fiction, in general, is an evil time-sucking-chore-shirking-class-failing vampire (ha!) as well. I just can't seem to stay away from it. I find myself mumbling to ML, "I'll be right there. I just want to read one more chapter... AND DON'T YOU DARE FALL ASLEEP!!!" Not that he's complaining...

I don't think my fan fic will be as... steamy as some of this stuff - it's not like I'm into "snowballing" (let's put it this way - look only if you really, really want to know. You probably don't. Just sayin') or anything but I'm definitely getting some really great ideas.

Oh, yet another side note - I was talking with Daddy (not a)Jerkface last night and he was apparently unaware of the parental ban from Twitarded that I have in place...

DnaJ - ...oh I'm glad work is going well for you. That reminds me - I have to go catch up on the silly little site of yours.
Me - {Eyes wide with horror, nearly poos pants} DADDY, DO NOT GO ON MY BLOG!
DnaJ - But... but... Mommy (not a)Jerkface said -
MnaJ - What on earth is going on? I could hear you yelling through the phone...
Me - You CANNOT let Daddy on my blog. Seriously. It'll burn his corneas and he'll need therapy. Physical AND mental. I promise you - it won't be pretty.
MnaJ - I don't understand what happened. I thought you guys were writing about that vampire book...
Me - We are Ma. But we're peddling smut, too.
MnaJ - I'm sorry? Did you just say 'smut'?
Me - Yeah. Remember how I told you I always wanted to be a famous writer? Well, sex sells, baby.
MnaJ - Um, I don't know if I'm proud of that...
Me - What? I'm just writing it. It's not like I'm acting in porn movies or anything. Though, from what I understand, they can make some dough...
Me - What?! I don't get what's wrong with that?

If this were me, my parents probably wouldn't be surprised...

The idea of my father scrolling through one of my posts and coming face to face with Edward and a backdrop of plastic dicks makes me cringe... but it kinda makes me laugh, too. Which is probably why my parents are nearly desensitized to pretty much everything I do.

And, on that final note - I've got some dirty stories to read...


  1. @JJ - I would have to jump into a vat of acid if anyone - my parents, my non- twi-friends, ANYONE - realized what I've gotten myself into. Even my very best friend, who hooked me on Twilight by the way, has no idea of the sick depths I've sunk too. I know fanfic is a sickness, but I honestly JUST DON'T CARE. So long as it's my dirty little secret that is. Well, mine and DHs, he LOVES that stuff! :)

    PS - I've still managed to avoid WA. Am I fighting a loosing battle?

  2. @ - much to STY's chagrin, I'm totally unapologetic. HOWEVER - biggest mistake I ever did was tell my folks about this blog. Mommy (not a)Jerkface thought it was hysterical. And then everything went south (ahem, more or less)and the rest is history.

    Read WA. I have my opinions on it, I'll be perfectly honest. But it was good enough to hold me captive. Definitely check it out.

  3. LOL- I've read Wide awake- My only fanfic to date... Luvd it! Can I offer a suggestion for your own fanfic in progress? although NC17 is great! (yes please!) -Try not to let it get into "creepy" territory- come across a few of those- and it goes from nice, smutty, HAWT material to down right "EW!! GROSS!".. :) thus, why I haven't found any other fanfic that doesn't jump beyond the fine line of smutty to disturbing.. So *please, I'm begging you- I need more readable material* add to the other smutty/hot ones..and not the creepster ones. :) my two cents. :) Examples like Wide awake are great references for A++++ fanfics!

  4. JJ-Don't you dare fall asleep" and "Just one more chapter" have left my lips more than I care to admit;) I ♥ me some Twiporn!! I've read a few reeaaallly good ones lately;)

    AND speaking of computer crashed this morning so hubby called ex-neighbor to fix it.
    My first thought is holy shit if he's able to save it, he might discover all my saved Twiporn AND all of my Rob P. pics. Notice the first thought wasn't about saving all those precious pictures of my chillins!!

    Heather-You are crazy woman!!! Just read it, you know you want to:):):) It's lemony good!

  5. JJ-forgot to mention that you must run to JCPenney and buy yourself a Transformer tshirt! You know ML would be so stoked!

  6. Read JJ Read! That's my motto.
    And if we all go to hell... well we'll be there together. ;)

  7. I told you! Wide Awake was the "proverbial" tide that turned me from so-so crazy TwiFan to totally, all-out, monkey-dancin', lemon lovin, twiporn addicted, girlie I am now.

    If only I could back in time...

  8. Dude I had to stop at chapter 34 because that damn story took over my life!! It was hot in a totally nothing like the characters I grew to love sorta way. One of these days I might venture back to finish it...I'm still waiting for my eyes to stop burning though.

  9. I just got hooked in the last couple weeks on reading FanFic and I am finding myself staying up all night long reading it! Horrible stuff but can't waite to read more,lol.

  10. I'm in this with all of you. I'm not married, but I have 2 teens that don't get computer time cuz mom is reading twiporn. Aww, poor babies. LOL!

    Wide awake sucked me in BIG TIME. Still waiting for the last chapter and epi.

  11. I really had no idea how addictive twiporn was! And to be totally honest, as Lacy said, some of it's really, really bad. But that doesn't stop me from reading it! LOL.

    I avoided Wide Awake for a long time. But, like all of you, once I started reading it - game over...

  12. That was hysterical! I think my boss is seriously getting worrried about my muffled giggle cough thing, You guys really crack me up.

    Could you imagine your dad reading this? You would have to get a CRASH cart at the ready - "Oh sh** he's coding paddles, CLEAR!"

  13. Once again I'm rolling with laughter reading your blog! Love it!
    Luckily my father doesn't have a computer so he has no idea of what I'm into...
    As for Wide Awake.... Love it.. Love it.. Love it..
    I made the mistake of reading it at work... Not the brightest idea.... Bored at lunch though eh it won't hurt to read a bit... OMG... I had a meeting after lunch and I was squirming in my seat the whole time. So I've banned myself from the twiporn at work now... Bad girl that I am... MuHaHaHa....

  14. @Limey-1996 - my poor old man would be HORRIFIED. And the idea of having to explain to him why I was taking pictures of dildos is definitely something I want to avoid, LOL!

    @Red-Bella - Yeah, I read Wide Awake at work once too. And it was THAT scene. My boss walked by and nearly jumped out of my skin. I know my face was all red and flustered... lol. Good times, good times...

  15. ha ha, yes "dad and dildo" just don't together in a sentence! YUCK! Eeww!

    But if he ever finds out just say that you did it for reasearch, ha ha To see if in fact, the dildo's were pocket/purse size like the pocket size Edward. But I wouldn't suggest putting one in your pocket, pockets just aren't deep
    enough. ha ha

    But you guys make my day, thanks :)

  16. i am coming up for air, after reading way too much fanfic... i think the hubby and the kid want to get rid of our computer. can't wait to read YOUR fanfic! i know i will be thoroughly entertained. when you do, PLZ add chapters ALL THE TIME... the dominant is killing me right now! even though i already know what happens, i need to read EPOV.

    have fun "researching" fanfic for your story.

  17. @Limey-1996 - Dad and dildo {{shivers}} Ugh, I think I might need therapy. LOL!

    @Elena - I will do my best but my stories just might suck... I'm a fan fic virgin, if you will. LOL! :)

  18. I need a 12 step program for Wide Awake.....but I am no where ready to quit Wide Awake or the other HAWT fanfiction out there.

  19. Wide Awake is killing me!!! It also makes me want cookies. Among other things...

  20. @JJ- I tasted a bit of sick in my mouth when I was writing that! ha ha

    Nutcases the lot of us! :) One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest comes to mind...... ha ha

  21. You girls are horrible! I've got a good stack of faved Twifics on Twilighted, and refused to go to any other fic site. But you said that Wide Awake was fantastic, so I gave it a shot. And I legit can't put it down. And now I'm having cravings for cookies! I've done nothing since I started, minus forced-breaks from the family. Mom thinks somthing's up cause I finally convinced her to watch Twilight with me, and I shot her down tonight so I could (attempt) to finish Wide Awake. Did I mention that I've got finals in two weeks, and then graduation?
    Anyways....I have to go continue, I'm only on chapter 37. (Also, is the fic completed? I want it to be never-ending XD)

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  23. Ok same reboot. So.. I have started reading WA and have been sucked in. The song from Troop Beverly Hills keeps popping into my head. "It's cookie time.. it's cookie time.." (I am seriously probably the only person who has seen this movie).

  24. Ok, so after reading about Wide Awake here-I decided to sheck it out.

    I have practically gone blind over the last two days reading it.

    Is it not done though. It just stopped at chapter 49 and doesn't really seem near a conclusion. I she still writing it?

  25. OME, I put this in the cbox and here so people can get this ficrec. I started with the story about the first night in the cottage, and it was so great i went on to Just This Once. They're fabulous among the many I've read. Go to and hang on tight!

  26. Um...just want to say thank you for introducing me to Fan Fiction and Wide Awake in particular! :-P

    Barely slept because I could NOT tear myself away from it. I read the Twilight Saga in less time!

    BTW - I love your blog! Easily the funniest and best one I follow!

    Nice to see other non-teens hot for that Pattinson guy!

    Jan in Toronto

  27. JJ, I just had to let you know, this story is the best. I cant put it down. I was late to work by an hour because i couldnt stop reading it. Damn I couldnt wait to get home to read. Im on chapter 12 now. I think you should come out with a new fanfiction to recommend each week. You find the best stuff.

  28. You know what's funny, right? When you're at work and you go to Live Journal to read WA, the first screen is called "Adult Content Notice." Your IT administrator sees that.

  29. @jeri247 - I am currently in the midst of compiling a large amount of fan fiction links. I even hope to find some that are similar but maybe non-twilight related. That way we can all get fired from our jobs together.

    speaking of which, compared to some of the other stuff I've looked at during work hours before deciding I really, really shouldn't have WA is small potatoes. Just for the record - NEVER google image search 'lonely husband'.

    As a general rule - I make really good friends with IT... lol.

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  31. I just discovered your blog which I found after looking at Twilight Widowers, which I found from Inappropriate Twilight Obsession. Your posts are hilarious! I've just starting reading fan fic so I haven't read tons, but I love Wide Away immensely and to me it's alot better than other little bit of fic I've read. Just the right amount of smut. Yeah, so of course I had to look up snowballing. EWWWWWW! Thanks tons.

  32. @violetjohnson39 - I'm glad you found us!! Stick around for awhile! :)

    And I did warn you about the snowballing. I definitely threw up a little the first time I heard about it, too. LOL!

  33. just started chapt 45 of wide awake and my heart is officially broken

  34. JJ, PLEASE compile a list of fanfic recs!! That is a great idea!!

  35. @ Darcey K - I can't make any promises but... we're actually working on that now. Soon, I promise!

  36. i know this post is super old and most likely no one is reading it any more but....
    i started reading WA... oh my word. i'm almost to the end and i HAVE to know-is she finishing it? is this all? i'm not ready to let go! i'm having withdraw like when i finished BD. not to mention, i am way hotter for dark edward than i ever i thought possible. theMr is "reaping the benefits" big time. anyway, can you guys tell me? is she writing more? is this it???

  37. @themrs - yes, she's finishing it. but it's taking a while. Angst has been sick & has started another story, too (Astray, I believe is the name). If you are reading the last chapter of WA that is avail (ch 49 part 2) then go to the comments and go to the last pages of avail comments. People are discussing when she's finishing it & such. A friend of Angst (Gail2oprah) comments on there & has updates on her progress... Hope that helped?!


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