Saturday, June 20, 2009

Edward Cullen's One Hundred and Eight Years Young!

I need to preface this post by saying wtf am I doing?! Am I really celebrating the "birthday" of a fictional vampire character in a young adult novel? And did I actually just write "fictional vampire"?! As opposed to... Huh??? I may have officially lost my mind. But it's been a swell ride and I am glad that you all got to come along on my descent into Nuttersville. Population: Me + You.

OK - we got THAT out of the way, sooo... HAPPY BIRTHDAY EDWARD CULLEN!!!

You're never too old to play Pin the Tail On the Wolf!

Let's see what The Secret Language of Birthdays has to say about June 20th [note: the Edward/Rob line is going to get blurry here. You've been warned. Oh and I am 99.9% sure that Stephenie Meyer owns The Secret Language of Birthdays and refers to it frequently... You'll agree with me in a sec, believe me].

Wanna know why people can't seem to keep their shit [shout-out to JJ!] together when they're near Edward (er, or Robward...), be it chicks falling all over themselves in the parking lot or cafeteria of Forks High or real-life skankettes elsewhere? I will tell you why: because June 20th is...

The Day of Ecstatic Appeal

You read right! I couldn't make this up if I tried... I almost choked on my wheaties [ok, fine, it was wine - don't judge] when I saw this. And it only got better as I continued reading...
June 20 people have a way of arousing [us! us!!!] strong emotions and bringing others out. Exceptional people born on this day can even experience or allow others to experience a loss of rational orientation [tell me about it!] or a heightened state. Such a state in extreme cases may be trancelike, ecstatic, even hysterical [uh-huh - seen it!]. Powers of ESP, psychic and predictive abilities [ming reader! ming reader!!!] are not uncommon among June 20 people.
Are you fucking kidding me?!? OK fine - what else?!
Persuading others, in and of itself, is extremely attractive to many June 20 people.

No matter how sensible or rational [or hot] June 20 people appear, there is usually an underlying irrationality in their make-up. Because of this, excitement and emotionality seem to swirl around them [WHEEE! We're swirling!]. Neither they themselves, nor those with whom they they are involved may recognize the fact that much of the excitement, instability, and adventure that arises may be a result of forces springing from deep within [their loins?] the June 20 nature...Indeed, to the extent of their "magic" powers [of turning women to mush with a single stare], those born on this day are not only capable of arousing emotion [among other things] but of controlling and directing it as well.

Despite having a profound hold on the feelings of parents, friends, children and others close to them, those born around the time of the summer solstice are often unaware of the extent of their influence...It is incumbent on June 20 people, therefore, no matter how much they would prefer to deny it, to become aware of their power to impact on others, and to direct this power away from wrongdoing.
Really, The Secret Language of Birthdays is THE BEST BOOK ON THE PLANET (er, aside from Twilight and Creative Cursing, anyway... It's a very close 6th place!).

Since no birthday party's complete without putting a little verb in "party," JJ and I took Edward out with us last night (it was after midnight, so it was technically the 20th and we figured we'd get an early start on the festivities). One of our fave bands was playing at our local dive bar, so we put on our party shoes and skipped our way to the subterranean den. And while it may seem inappropriate to give this mock-17-year-old a brew, please remember that he IS one hundred and eight now and he can drink whatever he damn well pleases. And he did... Oh, he did...

Mine-E enjoys the east-coast version of Rainier beer (aka "Vitamin R"). Note his glow-y aura.

Afterwards, JJ and I were ready to go home, but Edward used his powers of persuasion to convince us that a nightcap at the not-divey martini bar around the corner was in order.

Note: Edward can drink his weight in vodka.

A marvelous time was had by all, although surprisingly everyone was a little worse for wear today with the exception of Edward. For an old dude, he sure knows how to whoop it up (I guess not having a liver can come in handy sometimes)!

P.S. I wanted to get all our little Edwards (and Bella, too, I guess; I know how Edward feels about her...) together for a party complete with decorations and cake and stuff, but I got as far as making a teeny hat out of construction paper [yes, my Twilight age-regression is complete; I am no longer at "teenager" - I've reached "surly grade-schooler" - now pass the paste, dammit - I'm hungry] and it looked like he was either wearing a dunce cap or was a Grand Wizard in the KKK. After much reworking I made one not-terrible hat, but I was done. This is how I spend my time. And yet I wonder why my house is in shambles.


  1. My littlew sis shares a bithday with Edward and I was secretly saying "Dear Edward" when we all sang her "Happy Birthday".

    Sad right?

    Anyway, Happy Birthday Edward Anthony Masen Cullen!!!

  2. Oh STY, I heart you so. I just realized this whole post read like Mad Libs--we need Twilight Mad Libs--my next cash cow idea!

    "Ming reader, Ming reader!" Rumor has it the "Ming Reader" Pocket Edward packaging will be collectible someday--that is when I will make my millions...Bwahaha!

    I am right there with you eating the paste...don't you think it tastes a tad minty?

    Happy Birthday to the hottest fictional vampire out there!

  3. @Kat - that is priceless. I heart you.

    Sooo, does this mean we have to do 108 shots in his honor? I figure there are enough of us that we each only need to do one shot apiece but I'm willing to take a few for the team.

  4. 108 spankings with one to grow on? Teehee!

    I plan on taking a few shots for the team tonight.

  5. I am one of the newly converted and I have just recently found you guys. Thank God! I haven't laughed this hard in a while. You guys rock!

    And you're right. That book is downright eerie... Day of Ecstatic Appeal indeed!

  6. @VitaminR - you got a sorta-shout-out - kinda! well, i tried! and we want in on the madlibs - lol!!

    @kat - I would totally be doing the same thing if I was you - how could you not?! Too funny... : )

    @imloco2 - welcome!! I thing we need to start a national awareness campaign so that people know we are here. people NEED us. we need EACH OTHER! really - safety in numbers & all...

    @JJ - see you in a few!! I'll bring my own shot glass.

  7. Happy Birthday to our fave bday Boy Edward!! I will happily do 108 shots of espresso in your honor - who's with me??!!

    STY, do you think along with the natl awareness campaign we should also come up with some sort of face-pull? "Look at that girl, she looks like she just took a dump in RPatz's trailer! She must read the Twitarded Blog!!"


  8. I love you guys!

    I made him a batch of red velvet cupcakes. So at least we have cake, shots, and Edward in Nuttersville (what else could we need?)

  9. Oh just made me feel so much better! I TOTALLY made that same stinkin' hat...multi-colored polka dots and all!

    And right on is that book about Edward?! Thats crazy!

  10. Pin the tail on the wolf! Classic.

    You guys are so thoughtful to take Mine-E out for drinks on his bday. He's one lucky sparkling doll.

  11. STY, my Mother-in-law also shares the same birthday as our beloved Edward. I'll let you take a wild guess as to which birthday I'm secretly celebrating.

    JJ, I'm all for downing a few shots to celebrate Edward's birthday!

  12. @JJ & SNY - How many have you guys had tonight or is it just me? 'Ming Reader' - My name is Yun-Fat Edward Chow Cullen.. ha ha

    HBEC - There I said it, sort of. haha

    The Day of Estatic Appeal! Wow! I think you hit the nail on the head with Stephenie Meyer, ha ha

    So did you order the 'Edwardtini' with the Bella Cherry? haha


  13. Bhwawawawa!!! Edwardtini?! That's perfect.

    STY is going to be here in a few to play with our new Twilight game so... I better make some drinks.

    Man, it is SO much fun living in Nuttersville!!

  14. I need to get a copy of that book! LOL .. I love that Edward persuaded you 2 go to the martini bar..LOL

    I'm all for the twilight mad libs idea..LOL

  15. Did you notice that May 13 is the day of Natural Appeal?

  16. I am fucking CRYING with laughter right now. Completely serious. Going to die of hyperventilation.
    p.s. Stephenie totally flipped through that book while writing. NO DOUBT.

  17. How to make an 'Edwardtini' -

    Blood (Bella Swan's preferably but mountain lion will suffice)

    Alcohol (JJ's Dick Creek from under her sink, barring that any tipple you fancy)haha

    Cherry (Bella Swan's)

    Definately shaken but not stirred...

    "like I said, Twitarded the only place to be" :)

    Enjoy your new Twi game.

  18. @Limey_1996 "Cherry (Bella Swan's)"=too funny

    Twitarded...the bar where everyone knows your (screen) name

    re: his age... 108 is a sacred number in both Buddhism and baseball... so perhaps that will bode well for our dear fictitious friend.

    rock out with your Volvos out...

  19. Oh my side hurts from laughing so much!

    Is it wrong to think about doing body shots with Robward on his bady? :D

  20. I just wanted to say that this is by far the best "Happy Birthday Edward" blog entry I've read today! (Is it sad that I've read more than one?)

  21. Sorry STY - Just realized I called u SNY, I've had one to many bevvies.... :)

  22. I cringe every time I hear myself say "fictional vampire". It happens. I keep waiting for someone to call me on it.

  23. Be careful when little Edward drinks. He can be a real dick!

    Have you seen the morphing Robert Pattinson "Stare" video yet? Sweet Buns posted it on my blog and it is KICK ASS!,,20283823_20285422,00.html

  24. Some clever entrepreneur (JJ?) has to market the Pin the Tail on the Wolf game. I need that game!

  25. OMG Mini E can party. I'm laying here in bed reading your blog on my phone because I just threw up after having drinks with friends. Yes, I'm lame but I'm not sleepy. Just a little drunk and sick. I'm so happy I now have a Mini E too. I will tell my Mini E Happpi Berdaaaay!

  26. He is a little mini-lush, is Edward! I took him to a patio yesterday with some of my girlfriends and didn't he just suck up half my Long Island Ice Tea...and then fell into the ashtray.

    (I wish I could figure out how to post a picture...I had it on my Facebook profile for the day! Yes, my friends think I'm insane and in sad need of an intervention!)

    Happy birthday, Edward! LMFAO! ;-)

  27. STY:

    Pure genius!

    You and JJ must be having second thoughts about sacrificing The Secret Language of Birthdays to the "100 Ways" prize vault! (Hmm, and where IS that "100 Ways" list?)

    And I'm sure you are absolutely correct that Stephenie Meyer referred to this book—otherwise, what would be the purpose of revealing Edward's exact birth date, if it had no particular significance, and if she neglected to tell us the birthdays of the other characters?

    Now, here's a more serious matter: the fact that you actually had construction paper on hand, with which to create a first, though ultimately rejected, mini E birthday hat. And then, for the more acceptable version, you clearly owned some sort of colored pencil set, with which you painstakingly drew, and then artfully colored in, a series of tiny, jaunty circles.

    I blame this irrational behavior on 6/20's birthday boy "...[h]aving a profound hold [with his long, pale, icy fingers] on the feelings [in STY's underpants]..."

    P.S. Verification word: lublin. McLublin'!!!

  28. @STY--Thanks for the call-out--it most definitely did not go unnoticed ;) BTW, I love me some PBR too--it is usually in the beer frig at home too--I am classy that way.

    I think a Twitarded activitiy book is in order. Drink recipes, madlibs, glossaries, dot to dot drawings, how to's (artful set stalking, how to write porn, talking your family and friends through you obsession, etc.), general musings, cut out accesories for mini-E, scene backgrounds for get the idea. Cash Cow!

  29. DANG IT!!! once again i made a huge long list of replied and once again blogger fucked me over and it didn't post - GRRR!!! i HAVE to remember to start double-checking before i wander off - that's effing annoying!!

    Suffice it to say that JJ and I were cracking up last night (and this morning) reading all of your comments - don't ever change - we lurvs you all just the way you are, you nutty, saucy twitards, you!

    : )

    P.S. I did NOT give away my copy of the birthday book - lol - the winner got a nice new copy of their very own. I need mine too much!

  30. @86rabbit LOL.. That totally makes vamps real right?

  31. Rainier beer?!? ...dang, now I'm all homesick and shit.

  32. I don't know if you know, but Robert Pattinson's b-day is May 13th, the day of NATURAL appeal....Strange coincidence!

  33. I am one of the newly converted and I have just recently found you guys. Thank God! I haven't laughed this hard in a while. You guys rock!

    And you're right. That book is downright eerie... Day of Ecstatic Appeal indeed!

  34. 108 spankings with one to grow on? Teehee!

    I plan on taking a few shots for the team tonight.


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