Friday, June 19, 2009

Of Twilight and, er, well, ka-ka...

True Story - Just prior to hitting 'publish' on this post I poured myself a cocktail. Then I realized what I was about to do and made it a double. No guts, no glory...

Let's be honest here. I know I have problems. And if you've been reading this blog for awhile, you know I have problems, too. It's pretty obvious that the thoughts that form in my scattered little brain tend to wander toward the 'WTF?!' side of the 'I iz Thinkin' scale. I mean, people shouldn't think the things I think about. Couple that with the fact that I somehow involuntarily incorporate Twilight into EVERYTHING... well, yeah, I'm weird. I'm pretty sure that if I looked at one my braincells under a microscope it would be waving a copy of the Twilight DVD at me. Or holding a glass of wine. Possibly both.

Case in point - The other day a pipe burst in our office building, rendering all the ladies rooms out of commission on eight floors. That meant that eight floors worth of all those ladies were trucking down to my floor to use our single handicapped stall. Not good. For anyone. You know how long bitches take in the bathroom.

Then, to make matters even worse, they shut off the water to the coffee maker. This might seem like a blessing of sorts given the way coffee goes right through me, until I remembered that no caffeine makes Jenny Jerkface really fucking pissy.

Naturally, I send my lament to STY:
Omg, no ladies rooms!! Why do I have a feeling my bladder and/or bowels are suddenly going to kick into overdrive?! I bet I'll end up with some strange Montezuma's-Revenge-like symptoms today because that's just my crappy (ha!) luck...

And, that's not the worst of it!! NO coffee!! WTF am I going to do? The Starbucks across the street is just too far! So is that little french deli place next door. And the bodega on the corner. And the Starbucks on the next block.

[Let it be said that I will hoof it ten blocks (and back!) to see RPattz on set but the idea of walking across the street, literally right across the frigging street, for coffee was absolutely unconscionable to me.]

To which my lovely, ever helpful bff responds:
I think you should ask RPattz if you can use the potty in his trailer. And have a sip of his coffee. [I get the feeling that STY's brain cells would look shockingly similar to mine.]

Now, I know that 99.999% of you, when imagining yourself in Rob Pattinson's trailer, would NOT envision taking a dump in his bathroom. Your train of thought would probably be more along the lines of running your fingers through his hair. Or ripping his clothes off (nicely! And with his willing consent!) and introducing his man meat to your lady bits.

Nope, not me. I'm almost ashamed to admit it but the idea of dropping a deuce in his bathroom just struck me as the ultimate, killer thing to do.

I want to be the girl who pooped in Rob Pattinson's trailer.


I write back:
Dude, if I took a poo in RPattz's bathroom, when I come out I demand a red carpet entrance. I want you and all the other twi-bloggers chanting my name triumphantly and throwing rose petals as I descend the stairs. Oh, and I want a tiara, too. Because that would take some serious balls, man. We're talkin' cajones the size of fucking melons.

Who. the. fuck. thinks. these. things? Besides me, I mean? Is there anyone else out there that is also thinking, 'Huh. I'd get bragging rights for years if I dropped a deuce in RPattz's crapper. I could be tellng my grandkids about that shit years to come and be, like, the flyest Grandma ever.' (excuse the pun, I couldn't help myself)

In my defense, STY apparently has some 'problems', too, since she A) was the one who suggested it and B) totally agreed to shower me with rose petals at me if I actually did it AND swore she'd get a Jenny Jerkface tattoo, to boot. She's an enabler, that one.

And, just for the record, if Robert Pattinson ever found out I wrote about defiling his trailer even - I just may finally realize what complete and utter mortification actually feels like. I thought I had that covered, but apparently there's always room to expand...

Oh. Mah. Gahd. Someone dropped a deuce in my toilet!! I iz sad...


  1. Every time JJ writes something that makes me say "NO! FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THINGS HOLY, WE CANNOT POST THAT!!!", everyone loves it and I realize that I underestimate how crass all the folks I love really are - fingers crossed that this is one of those times, and not the nightmare-fulfilled where I wake up tomorrow and we have three followers left.

    Like JJ said, no guts, no glory! In the tradition of "love custard" and "vamsicle," I hope you all think this is as hysterical as I did... [note: that JJ chick is TOTALLY corrupting me!!]

  2. JJ,
    You are totally random. And that's why I puffy heart you. If you took a poo in RPattz's trailer, you'd be ahead of 99.9% of the Twilight fan chicks. I'd buy you a tiara myself. The best I could find for $2.99 on Ebay.
    THAT's how much I love ya!
    Sparkle on, JJ!

  3. @STY: You give us all way too much credit...I think the majority of your minds are in the gutter :)

    Omg crack me up girl. I can just picture you walking out with a huge smile on your face while we all chant your name and throw rose petals at you...lmao! And the caption on the "pouty pic"...awesome!

  4. Crass it up girl!
    I am loving every shitty (tee hee) sentence in this post. I.F@CKIN.LUV.U
    I am throwing rose petals at my computer screen right now!

  5. JJ/STY - this is definitly one of those times! Too f-ing hilarious. That you would even think about laying a deuce in Rpattz trailer. That you would then write about it on your blog. Love it!

  6. The was F'ing hilarious maybe because I had a glass of wine (or two, ok three), but seriously I'm rolling on the floor.

    If in some alternate universe this actual crappend, I would not only fling rose petals and hand you a tiara, but i would sing "Here she comes Ms. RPatterson"

  7. I'm so glad I'm home alone right now so that no one hears me cackling like a hyena!

    You've given me an idea, tho. A nice "adult" drink (or three) would go really well with the Ben & Jerry's I'm scarfing right now.

  8. I love how instead of running your fingers through RPattz hair you're stinking up his bathroom!

  9. Holy crappola Shatman! haha You two are too friggin hysterical.

    Take a bow for this post and try not to squeeze out a Mr. Brown whilst doing it!

    Hey, he might recognize you on the streets of NY and say "oh, hello so you what to poop in my bathroom do you?". Then you really would shit yourself. haha Sorry, I know not funny!

    Don't forget to check to see if the toilet roll is full before you squat, else you'll have to ask RPattz to pass in a new one whilst the acrid, eye burning green smoke is billowing under the door and grabs him in a choke hold. Maybe we could all chip in for a HazMat suit for him. Hhmm, wonder if Dolce & Gabanna or Versace could make one for him?...

    Oh and a fanfare would be nice to go with the rose petals......

    I frickin love this blog you guys make my day! :)

  10. Now I know why I follow u....u are freaking hilarious....although I would not share in the same size cojanes cause I could never take a shiter in RPattz bathroom....hahaha

  11. @TM (PB?) - I am SO glad that you thought it was funny because sometimes I think we go too far... OK, sometimes I KNOW we go too far! But lines are meant to be crossed, right? Right???

    @anon - "crappened"?! lol!! You are officially given the role of Bert Parks - start practicing!

    @Ang - hee hee "every shitty sentence!" - ok you guys kill me! such potty humor. literally and stuff.

    @stopdazzlingme - thanks for the reassurance - I will sleep better tonight. really. at least we'll still have half a dozen readers tomorrow. so there's that. : )

    @TrishTrash - thanks!! we're gonna need a lot so bring the "big squeeze." lol...

    @LuvsMeSumEdward - i'm right there in the gutter with you! and that last "craption" of JJ's had me spewing, too (she even does it to me and I should know better!).

    You guys rock - thanks for all the comments!

  12. Okay JJ, if you were to drop a stink pickle in RPattz's toilet I would for sure give you your props! How cool would that be??? Your cheeks would be touching the same seat that his cheeks have touched. SWEET!!!!

  13. Go too far? With this group? I hardly think that's possible! I was laughing my ass off - I am a huge fan of toilet humor so any stories about dropping the deuce (especially in RP's trailer) make me lose my shit (literally!) You guys totally crack me up!

    PS - Maybe you could even scribble some bathroom graffiti while you're in there. My current fav (from Weeds, season 4)...

    Here I sit, cheeks a flexin',
    Given birth to a baby Texan!

  14. OME JJ, you are f@cking awesome! I'd totally hand over the beautiful tiara I wore for my wedding. If you took a big 'ole dump in Rob's trailer I'd hand it over faster than you could say ass bucket, (I love my Creative Cursing book BTW).

    The caption for the pic of Rob's pouty face had me spitting my beer all over the place, hilarious!

  15. i read this, and i really was at a loss for words, which doesnt happen very often. i sat and pondered exactly how "ballsy" ud have to be to just drop a duece in Rpattz trailer. i figured out that i'll leave the crappin to JJ, and ill still take the clothes ripping!!! im sorry i just cant imagine not wanting to do .... very naughty things with him, naughty things that will not involve poop

  16. I can ALWAYS count on you guys to bring me to tears (with laughter of course!) You know, that kind of laughter where your face is all weird and you're not making any sound (or breathing...) and then the tears start streaming down your face... You both are THAT funny! LOVE you!!! I need a kleenex... and some oxygen...

  17. This is by far the best fucking potty humor I have heard in a while. I would like to think my mind is random but I don't have shit on you. (haha)

  18. @Latchkey Wife - ha ha I've heard of Heave a Havana but never Given birth to a Texan, bloody funny!

  19. Ohhhh okay, I get it now! I was wondering what kind of face RP was pulling whilst walking out of his trailer and now it completely makes sense! And just beforehand does he say to you, JJ "oh, naughty!!" ?? LOL You two again, are the best. I bow down several times a day, just so you know :)

  20. You're killin' me! You're farking killing me! My sides are sore from laughing!

    Oh, Honey....if you're crossing any lines, I'm right there beside you!

  21. The last picture screams Captain Caveman.. Wasn't that an old cartoon?

    "Hey, hey, hey boo boo". Oh shit, no that was Yogi Bear.

    Pour me another or better yet leave me the bottle.... :)

  22. "Oh. Mah. Gahd. Someone dropped a deuce in my toilet!! I iz sad..."
    BAHAHAHAHA! oh em gee! i'm trying so hard not to pee my pants right now!! i thought that i was the only one who thought potty humor was funny today! JJ and STY i love you!!! fo sho!

  23. I heart you two because you think of these random things-just like I would;) WEll, maybe not "the pooper." And that's ONLY because I would be so nervous being in his presence that I would most likely shit myself before I even made it to his bathroom!!

  24. I had to indeed read it twice because the first time I was laughing so hard my eyes got tears in them and I was sure I missed something..

  25. JJ and STY you two are the best!! Damn why can't my friends be as funny as you guys. I love it. Dropping a load in Rob's trailer. Too funny, what if you accidentally do sonic farts while in there too. Or it comes out soft and swift and makes poop trails on the bottom... It feels weird to just laugh by your self in front of the computer. :) My dogs are wondering what I'm up too.

  26. No, you aren't the only one who thinks these things. You may be the only one who WRITES them, lol but def not think them. If you are going to do the have to have the farts to go with it. Like the inevitable lady who comes into the bathroom after you're in your stall and blows the proverbial stink breeze while firing nuggets out her ass. If it were to come to that, I would not only get a JJ tat...I would hold your tp and your septer...with more rolls on it. And maybe spray if my eyes started watering.

  27. FUCK..that was hilarious..You had me at "where will you be when yours kicks in" and the photo was perfect. SHIT. it was money JJ, money!

    all of it. I hope he reads it..I hope someone he knows reads it..I can, without a doubt, say no one has blogged this in Twilightdom.

    and STY - Brilliant! fuckass Brilliant.
    Just tell me please that you'll never'll always be Sonny & Cher...Ab Fab's Eddy & Patsy...Woody & Buzz LightYear ....Laverne & Shirley...

    don't EVER leave us.

  28. I think I may have dropped a deuce in my pants reading this. I'm crying. Real tears are falling down my face. My husband is looking at my like I've officially gone off the reservation. This just made my no. Year. It made my year.

    -E @ Robstenlovers

  29. You're the best!!!! I am sitting here crying I am laughing so hard!!! Thank you for the best laugh I've had in a while!!! I can see why -E- sent me the link to read!!


  30. No JJ you are not alone in your random thought process. I have had many a conversation where it inadvertantly ended up at poop. And have you ever noticed how often it happens at dinner? Weird. Anyway, if I ever had the opportunity to send some marines out to sea in Rob's trailer, it would not happen. The stage fright would be so intense, I'd be constipated for weeks. So, if you were ever to manage that feat, my hats off to you girl. Rose petals, tiaras, and rainbows all for you.

  31. genius.
    you guys are so hilarious! i love it. :) and i would totally shower you with rose petals. :) hahaa

  32. And it's for the insane random posts just like this that keep me coming back to you guys for more! JJ & STY you absolutely RULE! I've never laughed so hard, and I must THANK YOU for perpetually crossing the lines unashamed. Any pheromone rabid teeny bopper or cougar chick would die to be in RPattz trailer making a complete lovefool of herself, but where's the creativity- the history making- in that? As if it would make them so special... there are more than enough blogs of chicks who fantasize that way all damn day and publish their thoughts, thinkin it makes them unique... However, it'd take a WOMAN with some serious moxie to even IMAGINE, much less actually march into Robward's trailer, shamelessly stink the place up, then demand to be respected... Just for you to even think that way garners you my ultimate respect, for what it's worth! March on, and I can guarantee you WILL have a constituent of problematic brazen women who know how to live it up right there cheering you on!

  33. It's 1230 in the morning and I thought, "I'll check out Twitarded to see if they have anything new to say" SOOO Glad i ladies are a riot. I woke my husband up I was laughing so hard. He didn't exactly understand what was so funny about taking a dump in RPatz trailer. Men...go figure... ;) Thanks for the laugh, keep it up. I'll follow you guys anywhere. If you need someone to scrapbook the awesome event you let me know, I'm a bad ass scrapbooker ;)

  34. "I somehow involuntarily incorporate Twilight into EVERYTHING... well, yeah, I'm weird. I'm pretty sure that if I looked at one my braincells under a microscope it would be waving a copy of the Twilight DVD at me."

    That sounds EXACTLY like me.

    But I must confess, I would rather chill in his bed then poop in his toilet. That's for another time.

  35. Oh JJ!

    Thanks for the sh*ts & giggles!

    You and STY are #1...and my book!!

  36. And by the way—I can certainly envision myself in RP's trailer, with my pants around my ankles...but it would not be in the scenario that you proposed!

  37. The one fear I'd have... the hershey squirts and the loud, horrific juicy farts that accompanies them... I bet it would echo something fierce in that tin trailer! (Yikes!)

    @ Mrs. R - Amen to your second comment... maybe I'm not sitting on the toilet, but bent over it. That's what I'm talkin' 'bout!

  38. OH MY GOD JJ!!! The thought of you leaving a corn eyed brown trout in RPatz toilet has me rolling!!! You are hysterical!!! Ms M

  39. You are amazing, OK? Srsly.
    Rose petals are required for this occasion.
    Maybe try and run your fingers thru his hair on the way out, though. Just so everyone will not only throw rose petals for you, but will faint at the sight of your fingers (which will be coated in hair product)
    p.s. my verification word is "gropel". I like it

  40. Get post, JJ. :)
    You would for sure deserve your own parade.

  41. My kid came up to me asking " mommy are you okay?". Way too funny! And the poster boy face for laxative! I dunno how Rob can even face his friends there's so much crazy shit they can tease him about.

  42. I was on the phone with STY when I hit publish on this post and I told her 'twenty bucks says that Limey_1996 will take this even further. I can't wait to see what she writes'.

    STY, you owe me twenty bucks.

    And it wasn't just Limey, either!! I have to say I was absolutely crying over your comments this morning when I read them. I mean, hysterically laughing.

    It's also apparent that we all have more in common than just loving Twilight - I'm thinking that we seem to be aficionados of potty humor too.

    And for the love of Edward, please never, ever let Rob Pattinson find out about this post...

  43. I leave my computer for 24 hours and I come back to find this post...fucking brilliant! STY you musn't worry so...of course we love it. What is not to love? Who else in the Twilight fandom would ever post such poetic brilliance with photos to boot?

    JJ--he is so going to find out about this post someday. Can't you just see it? He is in some interview and the interviewer will ask, "So, we have heard that you go online and read some of the random things written about you. Is there anything you have read that really stands out?" Rob: Hands running through hair, nervous laugh, "Well, I was surprised to know there are so many adult blogs out there. My mum e-mailed me a link the other day about some crazy thirty-something chick that blogged about wanting to take a poop in my trailer. Now, that is some fucked-up shit. Needless to say, my mum is really worried about me." More nervous hands running through hair.

    For the record, I would totally be there throwing rose petals too and I, too, would pass the story down through the generations...whether they gave a shit or not.

  44. Sorry didn't see this till just now...

    I too was cracking up at the comments. What a crazy Twitarded family we are.. Can you feel the love poople, I mean people?

    I just can't stop my mouth even if I were gagged I'd be tapping out morse code somehow..

    The good thing is that nothing shocks us, we can relate (well most of the time, haha). Like this one for instance don't know if I would want to poop in his trailer (unless I had that bad diarhhea that shoots out of your bum like a bullet from your gun and I had no where else to go but his trailer, then hey ho)but I would be there holding the moist butt wipes for you with peg on nose smiling sweetly at RPAttz saying "come here often then?"..


  45. @VitaminR - Your comment had me in fucking tears.

    I don't know what's worse, the fact that I even wrote this and posted it online or the fact that I let Mommy (not a)Jerkface read it. She says you're all a bunch of bawdy bitches (well, that's how I translated it, anyway).

    @Chaos - just for the record, your comment made my mom laugh so hard she had to hang up the phone on me.

  46. i died of laughter....dropping a r god ! start a religion...make tee shirts...girl you r seriously fuuuunnny! I am scrolling and laughing as my hubby lays blissfully unaware sleeping beside me , i swear another paragraph i would need a depends!

  47. I honest to god just peed myself!!!

    You have to promise that while you walk down the read carpet you have to wave like the Queen!

    Man I <3 this blog!

  48. OMG!!! ROFLMAO!!! + Giggles!!!

    You just made work at 8am on a Sunday worth it! And honey I think we're past the point of you being alone w/ crazy ass thoughts. We all obviously share like minds (thats why they're wonderful, duh!!!)

    You have got to stop holding out on us. Why say no when yes is oh so good.

    ps I've always wondered about Bella and her lack of privacy in that department. I mean he's with her all the time. He can hear and smell everything in a 2 mile radius. Personally I'd be a little uncomfortable. But hey at least he couldn't read her mind, like say ours for example. Just think about it. And keep up the good work! You always keep me coming back for more.

    pps the comment are fucking hilarious too!

  49. Ok so I was scrolling down looking at some other stuff and at a glance at the pics with phenomenal captions I just couldn't stop laughing hysterically.

    I kinda want to stalk you a little now. But not creepy or sexual.

  50. That last photo/caption made me defile my keyboard with snot-flavored coffee.

    Thanks a lump!

    Oh for the love of Buddha, I thought my friend and I were the only two people batshit crazy enough to have conversations like that.
    On Saturday, after coming to a screeching halt in front of TV that was playing a Twilight preview, and the crazy conversation that ensued, I mentioned to said friend, "You really need to check out these girls at Twitarded."
    The conversation went like this:
    Friend: "So why would I like Twitarded?"
    Me: "Well, they take a thought and just run with it"
    Friend: "Are we talking a 400m sprint or London Marathon?"
    Me: "More like what Forrest Gump did"
    Friend: "Is there alcohol involved?"
    Me: "Highly probable"
    Friend: "I like the sound of them already"

  52. @Twidenial - I think yours is a very apt description of STY and I, I have to be honest.

    Run, Forest, run!!

    @Track 10 - I'm already practicing the Queen wave, just in case.

    @Scarlet Phoenix - As long as it's not creepy, sexual or in real life, stalk away! LOL.

    @OS - That is my goal for every post I write. I want at least one person to hork liquid through their nose. The more the merrier, imo.

  53. OMFG, I am laughing my tits off at this! I completely lost it with his pouty look at the end!

  54. I found your blog through Peace. Love. Twilight... dear Lord, I am doubling over laughing (as I'm pretending to do work on the side). Just when I think it can't get any funnier, I go to the next post.

  55. I just found your blog today and I have to say I'm hooked. I laughed so hard at this entry that I almost popped the button on my pants. I actually had my co-worker come over to me and ask if I was okay because she thought I was crying. *bows down*

  56. Yay! Breasts are falling off and people are popping buttons! This makes me happy!

    I'm glad you guys have found us. Now I can only pray that RPattz never, ever does...

  57. Holy shit that was a hilarious post. I am at work reading this and just burst out laughing... my co-workers all started poking their stupid heads over their cubicles trying to see what I was laughing at... of course I couldn't keep my shit together enough to convinve them it was nothing.

    I love some vintage Twitarded posts lol.

  58. OMFG, I am laughing my tits off at this! I completely lost it with his pouty look at the end!

  59. I just found your blog today and I have to say I'm hooked. I laughed so hard at this entry that I almost popped the button on my pants. I actually had my co-worker come over to me and ask if I was okay because she thought I was crying. *bows down*


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