Monday, June 15, 2009

Twitarded's Tips for Semi-Dignified Set-Stalking of Robert Pattinson

OME what a day it's been!!! JJ had mentioned last week that she thought filming for Robert Pattinson's in-between-New-Moon-and-Eclipse project, Remember Me, would be taking place ridiculously close to her office...

Since I spent the entire day getting my "SQUEEEEE!!!" on vicariously through JJ, and despite being at my desk in another state was pretty damn excited about the whole thing, we thought you might like the blow-by-blow (plus I need to record this for posterity as I am going to re-read this every day for like the next month because it was SO much fun to be us today!) -

At 9:14 this morning, I get this email from JJ:
Sooooo, these are the directions to RPattz… [with MapQuest indicating he is a brief hop, skip and Twitarded heel-click in the air away from her office...]
To which I reply:
Um, wow. I've actually been thinking one of us needs to start a post titled something like "I'm Not a Stalker. I Just Want to See RPattz." lol... That is tantalizingly close, I must say. You gotta do it.
I’m tempted, I have to be honest. But I’m also really lazy, lol. I was trying to get my coworker to go with me but she said no. then again, I could get down there and nothing could be happening and then I have to walk back (lazy, remember?) but I probably should go and check it out, right?
At this point, we were both griping about being really really tired (Monday's are tough!) and faced with the actual real possibility of one of us laying eyes on Rob, we were faltering and starting to question our commitment to Sparkle Motion.

But then I rallied and sent JJ THIS:

jj i'm waitin' for you...

JJ: That's not from today, is it?!
STY: Yupper.
JJ: FINE! I'm going! LOL!
STY: YAY! I win!!!

I called her a few minutes later and she answered in a whisper "I'm there. He's right there. I see him..." And I do the world's quietest fan-girl "SQUEEEEEEE!!!" that I can manage...

Info was twittered, chatboxes were filled with all-caps blurbs, we were in Twitarded heaven!

For example, here are a few random text from JJ 'on the scene':
Uh huh. i didn't know he was so tall. And gorgeous. I mean, he's effing hot! I feel so stupid.
Oh, and I'm charging my real camera and going back there tomorrow. If I don't get fired...
Holy sgt I'm shaking! [in her defense she had almost just been taken out by a cab.]
I'm here and so is RPattz!
And here are the random texts from STY, who was sitting at her desk, ignoring the work piling up in front of her :
SQUEEEE I WANT TO GO TO THERE! CANI TWWET THIS??? [somehow I managed four characters of punctuation but couldn't spell"tweet".]
[in response to JJ's "are my tweets going through??"] Yes yes yes i am dying!!!!!!!! now take a pic ur killing me!!!!!!!!"
But then things got a little... squiffy.

Reports start filtering in that poor RPattz got fan-fondled (or assaulted, if we want to get technical) - EW! Bodyguards, pay attention!! No wonder he's so paranoid... I could have done a better job of keeping chicks from hanging all over him. Those pics made me sad and also made me fear for JJ's willingness to haul her ass back down there tomorrow with a better camera. Because, let's face it, what those 'fans' did was fucked up.

And now we interrupt this recap of the days festivities for a what-the-fuck-is-wrong-with-people Tirade (this really needs a trademark) from Jenny Jerkface...

Since it's apparent that there are more than a few mental midgets out there in Twi/RPattz land, I thought I would offer up some set 'visiting' advice. Granted, I'm no professional and am absolutely shocked that I didn't inadvertently ruin the whole fucking movie by accidentally tripping, maiming myself and/or others, or releasing some sort of toxic bodily fluid directly in front of the cameras.

But here's the thing, you beasts with breasts who were hanging all over RPattz - he has the worst/best job you could imagine. It's awesome because he gets to make lots of money and go to interesting places but it blows monkey nuts because he has to deal with douchetwats like you.

Hey... you, you [STY consulting Cursing Book] cunt biscuits!! - there was no barricade blocking me from from RPattz. But have you seen my pictures?! Um, they kind of suck. Wanna know why? BECAUSE I STAYED ACROSS THE STREET.

I don't want to touch some strange dude, no matter how hot he is. And you know something else? He doesn't want YOU to touch him, you skankhanky bitches who were trying to manhandle him into your lair. This is not rocket science, ladies (and I use that term as loosely as your vagina must be) - would YOU like someone to grab you in a headlock? I doubt it. Then again... well, that's neither here nor there.

I gotta admit, you crazy cunts kind of ruined it for me. And I lack social filters for fuck sake!! I'm telling you, it's a good thing RPattz isn't like me because I would have just started swinging (he really needs to get new body guards. Like Ninjas or something because those dudes were useless. I could do more damage with my purse and a Metrocard). STY has nine whole months of jeet kun do training and she could have had those beastly chicks in "the pinkie-lock of death" (she'd tell you how to do it but then she'd have to kill you).

All I know is that the next time I try to snap pictures at a set... I'll wearing Doc Martens along with my plaid dress. And not those namby-pamby mary-janes, either. I'm talking steel toes, bitches.

P.S. Before you spend countless hours plotting our demise, you should know that we're from Jersey and we know people in "waste management." Just sayin'...


  1. Go, STY!! Onward, JJ!

    ...don those Doc Martens, "like I said." (see: Twilight, microscope sparring scene)

    And I am with you ladies 100%—I can't decide which guilty party is more disturbing: the movie set's incompetent security forces, or the abominable behavior of those trashy females.

    They give trashy females a bad name!

    And as I have stated before, I would never want to meet RP, face-to-face, in any type of a "fan" scenario (unless, of course, HE is a fan of my fabulous future novel, and approaches ME...overcome with admiration for my skills with sheets of paper, if you will...or, later, for my skills "between" the sheets....).

    But it is delightful to envision you viewing him from a respectful distance, especially if Mini E (like I said! like I said!) accompanies you, and further enhances the sure-to-be dazzling photos.

  2. haha - Bloody funny! I mean you bloody scared me!!! Oh and you forgot - "Else you'll be swimming with the fishes".

    Oh and along with your Dr.Marten's you'll have a double whammy taser gun thingy strapped to your leg. That a cattle prodder so all nutcase cowbags BE WARNED!!

    I got a couple of hours of self-defense lessons and Ju-Shit-Zu Mit-su-dit-zu (or some unpronounciable shit thing, put my back out once trying it and couldn't pee for a week afterwards but onward and upward, I always say!) haha

    Don't panic I gotcha back JJ! :)

  3. Funny you mention a taser. The vision that came to mind was herd of Twitards donning plaid in a long line linked at the elbows forming a fence and brandishing tasers to keep the out the crazies.... maybe some straight jackets for back up. .... OooOOooo an oath before hand "I swear to taze my fellow Tards ass if she show one glimmer of possible craziness. I accept being tazed if I show any sign of loosing brain function"..... Then one begins to fall out of line and a taser flies. Rob notices and stares stunned for a brief moment until tasers are shot off like wild fire and flannel and crazy fan girls begin to fall in heap. Obviously the fiercest soldiers, you and jj remain standing.

    Wow I really digressed. Ummmm form your army and take those 'cunt biscuits' down!

  4. I am laughing my ass off right now! We're all on the same wave length tonight with our tirades against these stupid fucking queef donkeys! (Have I mentioned how much I love the cursing book lately?) I've got your back too Twitards - you know, I'm from Maine, so I got an artillery here... just let me know and I'll haul out the 9mm and be there in a jiff (or 6 hours...) It only takes one crazy bitch getting RPattz in a headlock to ruin it for the rest of us!

    OH and Mrs. Robinsane - I was dying laughing at your comment about your skills between the sheets! You and me gotta go have drinks!

  5. Time and place, Latchkey. Time and place.

  6. " blows monkey nuts because he has to deal with douchetwats like you"


    I can't stop laughing

  7. I needed a really good laugh this evening! Thanks! I still can't get over the lack of security. WTH were they thinking? My kids would make better body guards!

  8. That has got to be terrifying. Some psycho screaming at the top of their lungs and running full speed right toward you. My immediate reaction would be to punch them in the face. RP obviously has a lot more restraint than me. He has my permission to hit a girl next time.
    Nice work beefy bodyguard goon. Next time lay off the double cheeseburger for lunch. Maybe then you won't be so sluggish that teenie boppers hurl themselves past you and accost the person you're supposed to be protecting.

  9. You are the bestest best friend a girl could have, STY! I normally get very squeamish at the thought of confrontation, but I would pay good money to see these loser stalker peeps (see? I can't even swear- I'm so sad) get stomped by you and JJ's Docs. Priceless!!

  10. Bwa ha ha... I knew you would cave and go try and see Rob...

    Sucks that the crazies were out, I saw it first hand in Vancouver. There are some twatfaced stupid chicks out there. We watched three chase after Kellan's SUV almost out into traffic screaming..

    Hey is this the new twitarded dress code... Doc Martens and a plaid jumper. I can see it now Rob's personal body guards we can encircle him and kick the shit out of any crazy that tries to touch him... I've done Tai Chi for years... I can bore someone to death in 108 moves.... ;-)

  11. JE and I had the same freakin' conversation... I'm not even going to dignify those C U Next Tuesdays by calling them twilight fans. They're Nutters plain and simple and they're impossibly fast and strong apparently as get past what 4 body guards?? what were those body guards doing!? NOT their JOB obviously! If I was Rob and those were my body guards I would have ordered some teenage ass to be thrown on the pavement. That video was creepy. as. shit.! Poor guy.

    BTW I'm from Baltimore, raised in the city.. have you seen the wire? Yea, what! We're right there with you Jersey.(JE is from Wis-can-soon she can tip a cow on the nutbags, or send a swarm of bees after them :))

  12. LMFAO!!! jj u crack me up! but yeah... i saw the clip and that was just outta hand! i hope those fuktards dont mess it up for us "sane" ones! GRRRR!!!!

  13. I don't know when I've seen anything that upset me as much as those pics and videos did today. I was absolutely appalled and infuriated. I wanted to cry for him.

    Thank you Twitarded for your wonderful RESPECTFUL coverage of Rob today. You ladies rock!

  14. I saw the pics from today's RPattz-Attack by those crazy lunatics and it really made me sad. I felt much need for some Xanax after watching the video so I can't even begin to imagine what HE must've felt like.
    These people need to back the hell off and let the man do his job.

    On a brighter note: how can I follow you ladies on Twitter?

    Much luv, xoxo

  15. Laughing my ass off at your post was a much needed antidote to watching that freaking disturbing video earlier. It made me uncomfortable being a fan and maybe even female. Blech.
    However, I was thrilled to see JJ showed up and I'm glad you egged her on, STY. Your perspectives of Twilight and/or Rob madness is all I need to laugh (at myself.) Just sayin'...

  16. Well said, my friends! In fact, so well said that I'm taking notes... "douchetwat" is my new favorite word.

  17. I agree with everyone here.. VERY well said! You are putting your cursing book to good use!
    It is sad, but those crazy 'skankhanky bitches' are putting a bad name out there for the rest of the "normal" fans out there.

  18. I agree with your post! I couldn't have said it better myself (no really I couldn't have!)

    Why is it that the crazies always ruin it for everyone!!!?

    I didn't watch the video (but saw the pictures), cause when I get angry I tend to throw things, and well my computer would have been my closest victim...and it's number is not up yet so I just didn't even go there!

    Good luck JJ, always go for the shins ;)

  19. Can't even begin to imagine what they could have been thinking jumping him like that.....

    Very very disturbing....

    But if anyone happens to be in the general area that JJ will be ninja moveing the grazy's i would not mind seeing some pictures ;)

  20. Jenny- my inspiration:

  21. Somebody should really smack those hormonal b*tches!! You go get 'em, Doc Marten's-clad tiger!! You're our only hope...

  22. This comment has been removed by the author.

  23. Loved the P.S - Hilarious! I am glad you guys mentioned this. I can't imagine what a day in his life is like. I would go postal! JJ - I hope you are able to go back but I can completely understand why you wouldn't.

  24. "Talking steel toes bitches." Rofl Those girls are lucky they didn't get slapped by the security guards

  25. Love your use of vulgarity in such a creative way!
    Just love it! Im not sure which is my favorite...cunt biscuits, skankhanky bitches, douche twats...
    I think you should personally go down there and offer your protection services, stick a Doc Martin in someone's ass.

  26. LOL Yall are hilarious. I'm from the country and I could have protected him better than that. Nothing better than a redneck beatdown.

    I think you should go back and "take down" a few of those girls. You know, cull the crowd a little. LOL

  27. @JJ/STY--Rob needs you both on his protective team! Two badass bitches in plaid dresses and Doc Martens steel toed ass kicking boots with connections with people in "Waste Management"!!!

    I think you two could fend those stupid twats off with your verbal skills alone.

    Seriously though--the video coverage of what went down yesterday (yes,I am sick and watched it) left me with a sick feeling in my stomach. WTF were those stupid, stupid girls thinking? Ewwww. Now I know yet another rule to teach my young daughters.....don't ever, ever, ever act like a cunt biscuit...EVER!

    Sorry for the late chime in--my husband hijacked my laptop last night. I heart you both and good luck today JJ with some stealthy and respectful stalking....I think that may be a bit of an oxymoron, but Godspeed my friend...Godspeed.

  28. i've been away from the internets for one friken day and i miss all this. damn, i need to not walk away from the computer!

    thank you for thinking an typing the following: "(and I use that term as loosely as your vagina must be)"

    and you would make the best security team of extraordinary ninjas ever.

  29. New to TwiTarded...but arming up with steel toed Docs and ready to form a line.

    I've watched my daughter's Tae Kwon Do class...those nits are goin' down. ;-)

  30. I just laughed out loud at my desk! I agree with everything! Those bitches are crazy!!! Oh and I'm from Jersey, too! Love that PS!!

  31. Oh if they'd only listen...

    I would be afraid to mess with anyone with connections in waste management. That shit can be deadly!

  32. Word!!! Those bitches should be in jail for assault. If a man they didn't know did that to them, it would be all over.

    It's alright though, they'll get theirs----kharma's a bitch!

  33. Hey! Wouldn't that be awesome if you and JJ got jobs as Rob's personal security. :) I'm just saying. I see a new career for you two in the horizon.
    As for the stalker bitches. They suck ass and can I just say "what is up with the one chicks hair?". Ok, I'll stop...

  34. Guess my first comment didn't post. Let's try this again.

    First of all, great post, as always. Bonus: This is like a blunt, to-the-point, fucking awesome PSA. Props to you!

    Rob must have been channeling his inner-"Edward" restraint here. I know I could not have done it. But I agree, psycho fans, less than useful bodyguards... sad.

    As for said psycho fans. I hope they realize what this means for them in Twi-world. They are now ranked on the Most-hated list, right up there with the Volturi. Better watch your back twat-waffles ... there are more than enough true (and respectful) Twi-hards out there ready to drag you into a dark alley and kick your ass.

    We should all ban together and start up a website (and I use your terminology) called "Beasts With Breasts". A website to post crazed-psycho fan pictures with a brief excerpt of what they did. Kind of like a cheater website where you can post pictures of your bed-hopping exes.
    Maybe they'll rethink they're outburst, and well, then maybe we have more of a chance of someone recognizing them and able to really smack, sorry, I meant "talk" some sense into them.

    As for Twi-hard Bodyguards Inc. :) I'm in. Let me know.

  35. "sunshne02 said... Twi-hard Bodyguards Inc."
    The slogan can be:
    Twi-hard Bodyguards Inc.;
    When the cunt biscuits attack, we'll be there.

  36. Just thought of a name for the douchetwats from yesterday -

    "Skanks 'R' Us" Quite fitting dontcha think?


  37. You girls are crazy. I heart all of you. LOL. We would make one hell of bodyguard team, that's for sure. I think even RPattz would be afraid of us!!

  38. This could be our theme song: (to the tune of ghostbusters)

    If there's someone skanky in your neighborhood Who ya gonna call? SKANKBUSTERS!! If there's a twat on Rob and she's up to no good, Who ya gonna call? SKANKBUSTERS!! I ain't afraid of no douche! If you see a queef wart running after RPatz, Who ya gonna call? SKANKBUSTERS!!.... LOL!!

    Madison (Ms M)

  39. @Twisessed - LOL! The security guards in my office building call me Janine (they think I look like that character, the bastards. But they're kind of right) so sometimes I yell 'Who you gonna call?!' when I walk through the foyer.

    I love it!

  40. I just hope word gets to him about this blog and the letterstorob blog ..Fucking Hysterical about helping poor robbie out! I also think maybe we need to take up a collection and get that Man Groping Security Guy from Cannes who was all over Rob - but he did a good job protecting him from the fans (who were french and not so clingy).
    The rest of us need to tar and feather those girls and set a precedence - hollah - who will be next crazyfangirl?

  41. thank you!!!!

    many girls needed your advice.

    && i would definitely do the same thing you would do if some stank hoe tried to headlock me and take a pic of it.

    i wanna set stalk tomorrow with my friends and i'm hoping that my manners won't disappear when i see him. even if i can spot him in a starbucks, i'll doubt he'll take a picture with me due to the new wolf pack looking beefed up security guards who can fling me across the room with an umbrella

  42. They had both plainclothes officers and street officers lurking around today so I'm assuming they've learned their lesson but it's a sucky lesson nonetheless.

    I hope those girls read all the condemnations online and feel at least a little ashamed.

  43. They will be recognized on the streets. they'll be sitting there and someone's gonna say,"you're the cunts that attacked rob!" They might even get attacked for it.. He has quite the following!

  44. Amen, sista! Agree w/ you 100%. I feel really sorry for him and if I was the director I would have unleashed a whole truck load of profanity, telling those skanks where to get off.

    Let me know when Rob calls for some better back up, I'll glady drive the dump truck!

  45. OMG! I'm new to this blog and find the writers f*cking hilarious! I am laughing out loud as I read and the "waste management" comment made me blow water out of my nose right onto my new flat screen. Thanks Bitches!!

  46. @shiny volvo owner - Yay! We love getting people to destroy their expensive electronic equipment! It's our secret goal, to be honest. That, and total world domination...

  47. That has got to be terrifying. Some psycho screaming at the top of their lungs and running full speed right toward you. My immediate reaction would be to punch them in the face. RP obviously has a lot more restraint than me. He has my permission to hit a girl next time.
    Nice work beefy bodyguard goon. Next time lay off the double cheeseburger for lunch. Maybe then you won't be so sluggish that teenie boppers hurl themselves past you and accost the person you're supposed to be protecting.

  48. I needed a really good laugh this evening! Thanks! I still can't get over the lack of security. WTH were they thinking? My kids would make better body guards!


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