Thursday, July 2, 2009

Jenny Jerkface vs. The Mall Rats: Bring It

I think I need to preface this rant by saying that I'm not out to bash anyone who dresses 'alternatively'. I have no problem with that. In fact, I was all punk-rocked out in high school. I won 'Most Bizarre' for my senior superlative in high school for fuck sake. What I have a problem with is dickish behavior. Yeah, I know - I'm a hypocrite sometimes.

Last Saturday, ML dragged me to the mall to help him look for a sports jacket. Normally, the only way I'll go to a mall is if I'm shopping for myself and I can't get it online. Or, as of late, if there is a Hot Topic involved.

Sadly, neither situation applied to this excursion but I bucked up and shuffled behind ML, keeping my witticisms [he calls them complaints for some reason] to a minimum.

But then, somewhere between me having a shoegasm at Macy's and embarrassing the crap out of ML at Footlocker by loudly exclaiming 'how fucking hard is it to scan a box and put it in a bag?! These sneakers are going to be out of style by the time I pay for them...' I discovered something else.

Spencer's Gifts.

For those that don't know, Spencer's Gifts is a teen/adult store that sells really trashy junk like t-shirts with pot plants or naked ladies on them and fuzzy handcuffs or crotchless edible panties. It's like the gateway drug to the "real" dirty book store... but without any actual books (just like the real dirty "bookstore"!).

To ML's chagrin and my excitement, nestled between a lamp shaped like a Bud Light bottle and stand with edible massage oils, a paddle that said 'spanky' and some other dreck that I hope I never have the misfortune of laying my eyes on again, was the world's smallest collection of Twilight paraphernalia. We're talking minuscule, here. Twilight: The Game, some Twilight Sweethearts (not to be confused with SweeTarts), and a Twilight lunchbox.



Let me just add that it was after six o'clock when I made my twiscovery, which meant that legions of mini vans were dropping off their disgruntled, angst-ridden youth at the front door. Between the fourteen year old girl dressed like a cracked-out hooker and the goth chick who actually smirked at my outfit, I knew the clock was ticking and I had limited time before I would open my mouth and promptly be arrested. Or attacked.

That time frame shortened drastically when I realized that little Miss Goth Face wasn't the only one judging me.

A little piece of advice, you young little twits: Don't judge a judger. You think you're cute with your passive-aggressive behavior, don't you? You also think you're going to be tough by making a face or comment at me while surrounded by a gaggle of silly little friends. You somehow think I won't respond because I am an 'adult'.

Well, Buttercup, you're so wrong it's funny. I will embarrass the shit out of you if you push me. And I'll enjoy doing it. I'll be like a meaner, more potty-mouthed Kathy Bates in Fried Green Tomatoes and believe me you don't want to make me go there...

You raise your little eyebrow at me, I'm going to open my big fat mouth at you. I've had far more experience than you delivering justice to those in need of being kicked down a notch or two, and if you have the poor judgment to go head-to-head with me, I can guarantee that you will lose. Know what? My vocabulary is better than yours, too. I know curse words that would make your black nail polish peel. And you might not like my original 1970's brown, neon pink, and orange tunic but that doesn't change the fact that you're dressed like a slut. I mean, sheesh, put some clothes on. What is with these girls running around like little prostitots?

Imagine this outfit worn by the fourteen year old girl who I refuse to show here. Ugh.

I'm only an asshole if you give me a reason to be an asshole. Judge all you want but be quiet about it.

But I digress.

ML slinks away when I pull out my cell phone to call STY.

Me - So, I'm at Spencer's -
STY - Ew, I'm sorry. And you are STILL jacket shopping?!
Me - They have Twilight: The Game and -
STY - Yes! I want it!
Me - So I should I get it?
STY - Are you actually asking that? Um, yeah.
Me - They have a lunch box, too. I don't know if it's worth it though... Unless it has an Edward thermos [balances game box on knee and wrestles open the lunchbox]. Score! An Edward thermos!

I ultimately decide that I don't need a Twilight lunchbox or an Edward thermos and I put it back [but I still want it]. I mean, what am I going to do, fill it with wine and bring it to my friends' houses? Or the New Moon premier? Oh, wait... dammit!

I'm racing around the store, clutching my prize and looking for more Twilight gear when I practically run into an overweight, heavily pierced female employee whose eyes were at half mast. I couldn't tell if she was stoned, mentally challenged, or the victim of a botched lobotomy. Or all of the above. Regardless, she definitely perked up enough to give me the hinky eye when I asked 'Do you have anymore Twilight merch?'

Clearly I have been judged and dismissed. Or executed, from the look on her face. I suppose my brightly colored top was like a beacon of hope in a sea of despair, naked lady pictures and pot leaves.

She waves a meaty mitt in the general direction of the whole fucking store. 'Over there.'

I debate telling her how useless she is, then decided that I didn't want to taint my sublime Twilight experience. Instead I smile, thank her (if ML had been around he probably would have fainted from shock; ditto for STY who would have probably tried to grab hold of me the second she cast her lazy gaze in my direction) and made my way to the counter with my Twi-loot. Nobody is going to rain on this Twitarded parade...

45 comments:

  1. JJ You are my Hero! Anyone that would venture into Spencers ALONE with the SlutTarts that hang out there has got some balls!!! Let us know if the game is any fun! We have been eyeballin' it for a while :o)

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  2. LMAO! Once again another fucking hilarious post! And i also cant fucking stand those little bitches who think theyre so cute in their whore outfits and think that they can snicker and act they're the shit...they dont understand how we can dominate them in like point 2 seconds! lol
    anyways, love the post! hilarious! and cant agree with you more bout those lil wanna be bitches :) hehe
    And let us know if the game is fun and worth it cuz ive been trying to decide to buy it or not too plz :)

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  3. JJ: 1
    TwiTarts: 0

    All is right with the Twiworld.

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  4. Oh for fuck's sake Jenny, I would have paid to be in that store with you! You're hilarious!

    "I couldn't tell if she was stoned, mentally challenged, or the victim of a botched lobotomy." - I think I work with her... (actually many of her!)

    What is it with the "youts" of today? I fucking hate it when the little dildo slime at the grocery store check out doesn't even look up and greet me but continues to chat with her like BFF who's like bagging the like groceries and like takes forever!

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  5. LOL!!! I love reading this Blog. Half of the stuff written hear is like a transcript of my thoughts. It's just nice to know that I'm not the only thirty-something with the crazies! keep it up!

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  6. Wow lol I gotta say, reading your blog is the funnest things I like to do on the computer every single thing you guys write is hilarious

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  8. I am 25 and my mom got me a basket from the "Easter Bunny" with, you guessed it, Twilight: The Game. Nothing like fueling the habit and I love her dearly for it.

    Great post! I do venture into TwiSlut land for some of my TwiMerch and you are spot on about the "social" experience there.

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  9. You stopped yourself???? I was waiting 4 u to go twipsycho and beat her ass down! maybe i'm just violent today..yeah that happens sometimes!

    You should have gotten the lunchbox..LOL

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  10. Don't worry, before they realize it, those 14 year-olds are going to be 47 with flags hanging under their arms, remembering the good old days when they could fit into a size 2.

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  11. I had the exact same experience this evening...but fortunately not at Spencers...at Borders. It was like a Twilight shrine with everything Twlight- from magnets to puzzles. I was "this" close to buying the Edward lunchbox...had I thought of bringing it to the New Moon premiere like you, I would have so bought it! I can always order it online...!! (P.S. 34 yrs old and proud of my Twilight obsession!!). Keep up this FABULOUS blog. It makes me laugh every time!!

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  12. *uncontrolled laughter*

    Yep, that's my lame way of saying, dang it you made me snort my own snot!

    Oh Spencer's. Why is that the most confused store EVER known to mankind? I hadn't been in there for years and took a trip recently with my son (same day I went to Hot Topic and got the stank eye myself). I forgot that's soft porn central and had to book it out of there before my son got a good look at the fuzzy handcuffs and ask what they where for. Geez, I was winning mom of the year award that day.

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  13. "Meaty mitt" Holy crap, I think I peed a wee bit!
    I agree, screw the whole "be the adult" in the situation. Somtimes those lil rat bastards need to be taught a lesson!

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  14. You are just hilarious!

    I can do Hot Topic, but have not tried Spencer's yet. I'm not sure I have the nuts to do it now...

    (Note to self: Do NOT cross JJ.)

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  15. You are a GODDESS! I hate those little shits at the mall! They think they know what PUNK is....not even close you little twerps!

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  16. So did you get the lunchbox? You NEED to get that lunchbox. I need to get that lunchbox! :D

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  17. Thank you again for making me laugh my ass off. Hi-larious! "wine in the thermos" made me spit out my drink with laughter. and please keep putting up the urban dictionary definitions; I feel hip and cool learning new words that I'm way too old to know.

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  18. One more thing -- fucking hilarious title. seriously. I laugh just thinking about it.

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  19. JJ I commend you for not beating anyone. I think we've all come across a few teens in our days that just for whatever reason decide to focus on us. I think because we're not young but not old. I don't know, but my first thought is usually to punch my fist through their face. My husband thinks I'm very mean. I'm not. I'm just sensitive! :) And the crap music the kids listen too these days. They got nothing on us. Fuck them Jenny!
    Hey all that matters is that you got the game! Not get drunk and play it with STY.

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  20. I just emailed my only non-online Twilight friend with, "Did you know you can get an Edward thermos?" There's so many phallic thermos puns just waiting to be made. You're reporting the important news here girls. Keep it up!

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  21. Bwa ha ha ha.... oops I think I might have peed a bit... I need to start wearing depends when I read your blogs.

    Oh I so would have torn the goth chickey a new one for the stink eye! I have no shame and will not tolerate any little prostitot pulling shit on me.

    Don't poke the bear, cause she'll rip you head off and shit in the hole!

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  22. I swear when I've had a bad day I can always count on reading something funny on this blog. Thanks for making my day with a little laughter and thoughts of buying my own Twilight Lunchbox.

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  23. ApplesnFeathers-SusieJuly 3, 2009 at 1:45 AM

    Some funny shit happened to Aimee and me tonight when we were in walmart. She was wearing her 'What if i'm the bad guy' tee and there were these guys that looked to be about 17-19 and every time we ran into them one of them stared at Aimee's chest like her tits were going to come falling out. Either he was being a typical guy, he's thinking she's an idiot, or he's secretly gay and wanted to hump Aimee's shirt...I prefer going with the latter LOL

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  24. I am at the in-laws and thought for sure I would have no internet access here but whuddayaknow they got a brand new laptop with wireless. Yay!

    Anyhoo, I would just like to say JJ and STY you are most definitely the grand marshalls of the Twilight parade and farbeit for those little twats to rain on it. Oh, the imagery. Where was PE during all this mayhem? That surely would have put the little sluttyeous twats over the edge.

    You are most definitely a force to be reckoned with and I am damn glad I am on your good side.

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  25. Always when i think this was the greatest post ever, you write a new one!

    I depict you in that mall looking at those girls and the stoned sales lady and i have to laugh my head of. Can´t stop!! Good that I read your post in the morning at home.. and not surrounded by my colleagues.

    You crack me up !!! Always !

    Tell us how if you like the game.

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  26. as i said the other day, my BFF is gettin me the lunch box and thermos set, and theres a chance im getting it tomorrow!!!

    ....when talking to her today, she actually asked me, as well as offered to go with me, if i needed to go to hot topic to go get twilight stuff. i dont think she knows what she'd be getting herself into

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  27. Apparently the teen-problem is worldwide.
    I've felt a lot like Honolulu Girl, just wanna punch them, but I just look down on them.
    I'm secretly waiting for them to finish college and for me to be there at their first job interview *evil smile*.

    After reading your post, don't know how you manage to restrain from losing your temper at the mall, JJ... Maybe Twilight does bring out the best in you :)

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  28. so did you get the lunchbox? I WANT A LUNCHBOX!!!!!

    way to go on not losing your temper... I take my hat off to you... I would not have been so successful...

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  29. Seriously, JJ, you crack me up! I hope someday we'll get the play by play when one of those baby-prostito-goth-wannabes actually pushes you to give her the tongue lashing she deserves.
    And I'm hoping you and STY will be doing a Twitarded review of the game.

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  30. Awesome! I loved this line... "A little piece of advice, you young little twits: Don't judge a judger." Gatway drug to the dirty bookstore! Ha...

    I bet you could put a mini-mac in a Twilight lunchbox with one of those SUV dvd screens as a monitor. How hella cute would that be? Then you could update the blog from it.

    "What's that you've got there Miss Twitarded?"

    "Oh that? It's my Twi-top. Suck it."

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  31. Oh JJ,

    You certainly seem to have some unpleasant shopping experiences! Stores are to you as an icy sidewalk is to Bella!

    And I don't think that employee was the victim of a botched lobotomy—I think she was the victim of a very successful lobotomy. ;P

    Please let us know if the Twilight game comes to life as you play it, like Jumanji or Zathura (note: Kristen Stewart reference)....

    P.S. I hear the Edward thermos keeps your drinks ICY COLD.

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  32. JJ - You utter nutter could just imagine you going all 'Twitarded Woman' on the silly cow. It's the pierced tongue that still freaks me out, they can't talk properly as their tongue seems to want to just drop out onto their bottom lip(maybe cos of the 2inch bolt that is sticking through it)and they seem to be forever shoving it back in their mouth, YUCK! Just makes me want to puke. I have to just walk away..

    Oooooo, I got my US Weekly Sexy Twilight Stars mag in the mail 2day, Oh my bloody drooly god.. HELP!

    :)

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  33. I remember trying to scout the Twilight table at Borders... It was like that scene in the condom aisle where the super uncomfortable dude keeps going back around the corner or pretends to be looking at douches instead of condoms because that's way less embarrassing...

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  34. Yep.. Went to Spencers today. Got my Mini-E and Lunchbox complete with Edward thermos... until tomorrow!

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  35. I had my own sublime Twi-Merch experience. Let me first tell you that good twi-merch is hard to come by where I live.... So I take the kids to Chapters and my 4 year old starts screaming "MOMMY - IT'S EDWARD!! She and I grabbed a bag and started shoving stuff in. When we got up to the counter I made sure to have no eye contact with the young man and of course he asked "so who's the twilight fan?" Had I been alone I'd have lied in a heartbeat, but I knew that out of my 3 kids one of them would rat me out...So I fessed up, to my surprise he told me he read all 4 books, got his mom to read them, he didn't like Jacob so he wasn't sure about Nov's New Moon, etc. I was pleasantly surprised - no beat down necessary!

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  36. Bless you JJ!
    I was at my own local mall recently and saw some of these "Prostitots" in the vicinity of a Victoria's Secret. These girls must have been about thirteen and were discussing on buying a thong! These are the type of girls that Trey Park and Matt Stone would call "Stupid Spoiled Whores" (South Park Reference).
    Spencers Gifts- The one store I refuse to walk into. And I'm the one in my gang of friend who is brave enough to tread into a Hot Topic(my friends hate Twilight).

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  37. Waaah I love you guys! So I followed your advice and ventured into Hot Topic for the first time since my high school years, and it was totally chalk full of Twilight goodies! Me and my gay best friend were ogling over all the New Moon goodies when one of the scarily-dressed-but-suprisingly-friendly-and-happy employees came over to us to let us know that, "All clearance goods are an extra 50% off today....and we have some leftover Twilight goods if you're interested." My friend says I may have blushed for a good five minutes, but man was I happy!
    Ended up walking out of there with 2 posters (the close-up of B&E after the van incident, and B&E with the Cullen couples), 2 pins to flair-out my Gamestop employee badge (and to pester my coworkers with, haha!), and a Team Edward tee, all for $9!!! <3

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  38. Haha I love it!! While not a mean person by nature, mall rats like the ones you described tend to bring out my inner bitch.

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  39. LMAO! I actually just woke my husband laughing from reading this.. I love it! Good for you, you show those slutty little twits! I can't believe I'm old enough to say this, but seriously it's like they don't realize we were young once too...lol, I sound like my mother..but we've all been there maybe a little less slutty but we've all been through that rebellious/unforgiving/"I'm so fuckin' cool" phase of adolescence...we get it. Thanks for the laugh! Love the blog!

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  40. LMAO! I actually just woke my husband laughing from reading this.. I love it! Good for you, you show those slutty little twits! I can't believe I'm old enough to say this, but seriously it's like they don't realize we were young once too...lol, I sound like my mother..but we've all been there maybe a little less slutty but we've all been through that rebellious/unforgiving/"I'm so fuckin' cool" phase of adolescence...we get it. Thanks for the laugh! Love the blog!

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  41. Haha I love it!! While not a mean person by nature, mall rats like the ones you described tend to bring out my inner bitch.

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  42. Bless you JJ!
    I was at my own local mall recently and saw some of these "Prostitots" in the vicinity of a Victoria's Secret. These girls must have been about thirteen and were discussing on buying a thong! These are the type of girls that Trey Park and Matt Stone would call "Stupid Spoiled Whores" (South Park Reference).
    Spencers Gifts- The one store I refuse to walk into. And I'm the one in my gang of friend who is brave enough to tread into a Hot Topic(my friends hate Twilight).

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  43. Waaah I love you guys! So I followed your advice and ventured into Hot Topic for the first time since my high school years, and it was totally chalk full of Twilight goodies! Me and my gay best friend were ogling over all the New Moon goodies when one of the scarily-dressed-but-suprisingly-friendly-and-happy employees came over to us to let us know that, "All clearance goods are an extra 50% off today....and we have some leftover Twilight goods if you're interested." My friend says I may have blushed for a good five minutes, but man was I happy!
    Ended up walking out of there with 2 posters (the close-up of B&E after the van incident, and B&E with the Cullen couples), 2 pins to flair-out my Gamestop employee badge (and to pester my coworkers with, haha!), and a Team Edward tee, all for $9!!! <3

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  44. I remember trying to scout the Twilight table at Borders... It was like that scene in the condom aisle where the super uncomfortable dude keeps going back around the corner or pretends to be looking at douches instead of condoms because that's way less embarrassing...

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  45. I had my own sublime Twi-Merch experience. Let me first tell you that good twi-merch is hard to come by where I live.... So I take the kids to Chapters and my 4 year old starts screaming "MOMMY - IT'S EDWARD!! She and I grabbed a bag and started shoving stuff in. When we got up to the counter I made sure to have no eye contact with the young man and of course he asked "so who's the twilight fan?" Had I been alone I'd have lied in a heartbeat, but I knew that out of my 3 kids one of them would rat me out...So I fessed up, to my surprise he told me he read all 4 books, got his mom to read them, he didn't like Jacob so he wasn't sure about Nov's New Moon, etc. I was pleasantly surprised - no beat down necessary!

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