Sunday, July 19, 2009

We Want Full-Size Edward & You Want Us to Have Him: Let's Do This Thang!

We want to do bad things with youoooooooooo...

Yesterday whatever day it was that she posted last, Jenny Jerkface confessed to the Twidom that her life is no longer complete; she will not, nay cannot go on without a full-size Edward Cullen cut-out [heretofore to be known as "FS Edward" or "FSE" for short]. And you agreed. We were kidding about it at the time, but after many phone calls, texts, and face-to-face conversations, as well as careful consideration of the many encouraging comments you left us, we decided that we really owe it to ourselves - and more importantly to YOU - to get ourselves one of these bad boys (and I do think he'll be a bad boy... a very very bad boy...).

It went a little something like this--er, or exactly like this:

Snarkier Than You [reads comments on JJ's post; notes that people are actually offering to contribute to Twitarded's purchase of said FSE]: Huh...Really?!Nah...I wonder, though...Maybe?!? [Sends text to Jenny Jerkface]: btw wanna start FS Edward fundraiser on the blog? I think I can do it...
JJ: I feel bad but the potential 4 mayhem may b worth it...
STY: I'll work on it... I think we can do it w/o being too shameless...
JJ: Ummmm but we ARE shameless...
STY: Oh yeah right... OK this will be a snap then!

So here we are... We all know that times are tough. Very tough. I've pretty much forked over every last nickel I have to my name (which wasn't many, thanks to not one, not two, but three pay-cuts in the last six months - yay for me!) to the veterinarian in the last few weeks, so now I'm a very broke STY whose DH will KILL her if she purchases more Twilight gear (hell, DH and ML are going to freak out when we come screeching into our homes with FSE even when we tell them it didn't further bankrupt us). JJ and ML have just entered the frightening but gratifying world of "empty your pockets of everything but the dust bunnies 'cause you're buying a house!" and she isn't feeling particularly flush these days, either. But you guys rock and it appears that more than a couple of you would would be willing to chip in to make JJ's dream (and now mine, too) of defiling a cardboard Edward Cullen standee, mortifying each other in public, and documenting all the debauchery right here at Twitarded, come true. And we [heart] each and every one of you twat waffles for it!

So toss a dollar in the kitty, and someday soon as you're reading Twitarded and cleaning up the red wine you've just spewed all over your monitor, you can chortle semi-softly to yourself and declare with smug self-satisfaction "I did this to me!" You can be a part of this historic Twitarded moment. And because JJ and I both feel a tad skeeved about all this, let us state definitively that we are not going to make a habit of begging you guys to support our Twilight habit.

Note: Immediately following massive self-congratulatory telephone conversation in which we decide that yes, we'd L-O-V-E to help YOU help US make the FSE dream a reality, JJ throws a wrench in the works by proclaiming the following:

JJ: Oh and by the way - you'd better get used to the idea of having your picture taken and putting it on the blog. Or get a pair of huge sunglasses and a big floppy hat. [If I can go all third-person on you for a moment, STY is either much more hideous than she imagines herself to be in her head or is THE least photogenic person on the planet. Or both.]

STY [already imagining herself as Twitarded-70s-era Jackie-O, wearing a HUGE hat, GINORMOUS sunglasses, looking tres chic perched daintily next to FSE and laughing coyly]: I've got the sunglasses but I'll have to go hat shopping and---

JJ: ...AND you are NOT wearing a big hat and sunglasses! Get over it! Because the second we get our hands on that thing, I have plans. And we BOTH need to be in the pictures. In fact we'll need to recruit a willing third party to man the camera for us. So start thinking about possible accomplices...

My self-esteem issues and debilitating vanity aside [I once asked JJ if it was possible to simultaneously have an inflated sense of self and low self esteem and she said "yes because I have that, too."], if you have a buck to spare and think it might be well-spent seeing what sort of terrible, terrible things JJ and I might do to the Edward Cullen Stand-Up/cut-out (and each other in its presence), clicky on the image below and make it go. We promise you won't regret it. Um, ok you might regret it a tiny bit, but only in a "wow that's so wrong but I like it and does that make me a pervy bad person?" kinda way. And if you're as broke as us and just want to sit back and wait for the funny, we understand (oh do we understand...).

FSE says "I want to take you in so many ways--take you to PayPal, that is--click on me to go to there!" "Thanks to everyone who already clicked on me!!!" [link had been disabled - see below**]

P.S. On the off-off chance that masses of people throw money at us OR we have a gazillionaire shipping heiress Twitarded follower [sorry I am still in Jackie-O mode I guess] who wants to be our sugar-mama and send us oodles more dough than we need to buy this thing before we can take the button down after we hit somewhere around thirty bucks, we promise to have a bloggy contest or something with the proceeds. In other words, we won't ditch the blog and run off to the Caymen Islands with the loot. Twitarded's Honor. [I used to be a Brownie back in the day and we'd say "Brownie's Honor" as a promise of sorts while flashing our Brownie gang hand-sign so it seemed fitting somehow to toss that out there.]

P.P.S. I was roaming around online getting my Twi-fix earlier and came across this awesome video over at Twilight Headed - I couldn't resist reposting it here because it just works...

**Note From STY - WE DID IT!!! Or Should I say "YOU DID IT!!!" - Twitarded's getting a FSE - we're gonna make you so proud with all the embarrassing things we're gonna do with him... Can't wait!!! Thank you all so much - our readers are the BEST!


  1. I'm so in, you're at least $5 on your way. A very, very small price to pay for the entertainment you've freely given me. If you go over the amount just keep the extra in a twitard dedicated piggy bank. Love ya!

  2. I couldn't help but contribute to the mayhem. I know I can't wait to see what happens!!

  3. BTW, LOVE the Robward video you came across. Rob and a little bit of True Blood(music), gotta love it. Thx for reposting!

  4. It's the least your twat waffles can do for you.

    I think he does come...uh...folded....

  5. I can't think of two people more deserving of an FSE.

    Make us proud, ladies!

  6. So what does the Twitard's Honor gang sign look like? Is it like two fingers making fangs in front of your mouth or something?

    @Carrie - my BF watches True Blood and he just told me on a recent episode that Bill and the lady character were in bed (I think he said in bed) and Bill asks her what she wants and he says "Say it" like our dear Edward does. Haha!

  7. Use FSE well, ladies! I can't wait to see what you come up with!

  8. Oh boy. So it begins. Once we get FSE we're going to be asking you guys to donate money toward our bail money or court costs...

    Thanks all!

    My dignity, on the other hand, says fuck you. >:P


  9. WOW you guys are awesome! I felt weird doing this but we WANTED the standee and it wasn't gonna happen without some help - I half expected someone to tell me to eff off for having the audacity to ask for $... OK, so my one-way flight to the Bahamas leaves soon - OOPS! - I mean my bedtime is soon but it looks like we're gonna do this thing - together - woohoo!!!

    : )

    If anyone making donations would like a lil' recognition let me know what name to use or how to link to your site/blog!! When I was putting this together, I saw that they had a "name cloud" for donors and you could let people put their names on it or links to their sites if they wanted, but it is only for Wordpress and it doesn't work with Blogger - booo!!

    Thanks again, everyone - I feel all warm & fuzzy now... And I wasn't even reading TwiPorn!

  10. This will be so worth the money. That's ok we can all chip in for bail money. haha

    Please make sure whatever fucking antics you get up to you always wear nice knickers.. Just incase you do get thrown in jail. It's like my mum always says "honey nice knickers always, because god forbid you get into an accident". I really don't think I would give two shits about my knickers if I did get into an accident, because I would probably shit myself anyway, BUT!! to make my mum proud I make sure they are nice. So girls, smiley face ones, heart ones, crutchless ones, plain ones just not your "10 yr period panties", ok, lovies thanks.. oxox

    Just got to figure out my PayPal account password????


  11. I can't wait to read the antics that you two get up to with your FSE! It's well worth it!

  12. Well of COURSE I donated- it was my freaking idea in the first place LOL! I cannot wait!!!!

  13. Ok so I need to find out how to use PayPal with a Mexican credit card... but as soon as I find out I'm totally chipping in because 1) You deserve it, 2) I can't wait for all the mayhem you will come up with, 3) Laughter makes you healthier and live longer, and you have given that to me... loads of! Thx...


  14. I'd be willing to contribute again for bail money - as long as whatever got you two and FSE put in the pokey was well documented with pictures. :)

    (my word verification is 'totes' which is funny, because I'm totes excited for you guys. I don't normally use that word, but for some reason, it's cracking me up tonight.)

  15. I just threw $10 your way, even though I am sure you all have plenty now. It is worth it for all the fun you guys share with us on an almost daily basis! Now....what to tell BF about the charge?
    BTW-Shameless plug, but I do have a ...nothing special...just my rants and of course some Twi-related posts

    Also, according to my verification word I am nonlicie...good to know I got rid of that peskie body lice!

  16. Donation completed!!! Girls, please make us proud... P_K

  17. Good thing that PayPal is nothing national, so you can get my money for that. I pay Euros you get Dollars.
    5% or 2,8€ is nothing compared to my every morning laugh!

    I expect hilarious posts!

    Did you removed the first version of this post? I was this close yesterday to donate, but then your post was gone and MrV. confused..

  18. Can't wait for you ladies to take the pictures of your FSE shenanigans! BUT--Am I the only one that thinks that FSE looks extremely gaunt and creepy? I cannot get over the carrotish hair. Where's the sexy FSE complete with stiff collared grey peacoat?!

  19. Holy crap I leave town for the weekend and you have turned into FSE fundraisers with an Edward Paypal link? You ladies warm the cockles of my heart. You are FUCKING FEARLESS!

    Hell yes I will contribute...I just need to recover from my camping stupor first. A weekend away from Twitarded made me uber edgey--glad to be back.

  20. I'm heartbroken that I'm too broke (am closing my business this week. Shit.) and cheap (hey, I'm saving for my own mini Edward, thanks to you two bitches!) to help you out, but I'm thrilled to see that I will soon reap the benefits of FSE. The bright side is, he will come in handy scaring away Nick Nolte-like skulkers at JJ's (mug shot Nick, not Rich Man Poor Man Nick.)

    Feel no shame in your quest ... you have given all of us middle aged, potty-mouthed, twitarded ho's a home. Thank you. - Suz

  21. @Limey: What the hell are crutchless panties??!! - Suz

  22. Donation made - in case you're wondering who left such a weird amount, it's in GBP as I can't find my USD credit card. Oooops.

    Can't wait to live vicariously through you two and FSE. Have not laughed at my desk so much..... ever! Make us proud ladies, can't wait to hear of your adventures.

    I'm thinking any amounts over and above the required sum can go into kitty for NM stuff (thinking about it I should probably just send the money straight to Hot Topic). Lets be honest, there's going to be many many desirable Edward related items out between now and November....

  23. I am so excited to see what you crazies come up with for that (poor) FSE. He's not going to know what hit him! My donation has been made... how could I not?

  24. Thanks everyone!!! We're gonna order up one soon-to-be defiled Full-Sized Edward TODAY! WOOOOOO!!!

  25. DAMN IT!! Ihave my head up my ass all weekend, or shall I say stuck reading Wide Awake, and I missed out on the fun.. Can I at leas contribute to bail money or divorce proceedings?

  26. Donating is closed already, DAMN! Would've loved to been able to say I contributed to the funny shit that is bound to happen! Can't wait to see!!!!!

  27. Girls, I'm sad! I'm actually pouting!
    Damn time diference and work and not being able to check twitarded at work!
    The donation is closed! NOOO!

    Sorry I didn't get it in time :( *sigh*

    Well, there's always the next one: bail money....

    I'm soooo looking forward to what your (evil) brilliant minds will come up with *grin*

    STY: instead of a contest, why not do as Beth sugested and keep it for later??? There's bound to be awesome merch coming after NM. You know there's a lot of mischief... I mean, good you can do with it :) :)


  28. FECK! i wanted to donate. goddammit. i got all excited reading the post and then *scroll scroll* THE LINK HAS BEEN DISABLED!? WHAAA!

    *sigh* BUT i'm glad (and not surprised at all) that you raised the money.

    FSE we can't wait for your sexy arrival. BRING IT, BEEYOTCH!

  29. Have to say that I'm sad I missed the boat on this. It would have been like contributing to my local public radio station, but without all the manipulation and guilt. Congratulations, mamasitas!

  30. Shit donation is closed already?!? Plz count me in for the bail money or props/aids etc. Still that's brilliant though. Isn't it nice to feel the lurv..:D

    Are your S/O's aware of what the hell is about to happen?? Holy friggin shit! You might have to drug them before your err hem said performances... Haha BREAK A LEG!

    @Suz - Crutchless knickers are exactly that - bikini briefs with a large slit where your crutch/kootchie/twat/gooshie gash/love muffin/roadkill (that ones for you JJ haha)/bacon sandwich/vag or whatever you call it is. Just a really classy peice of lingerie!?!? haha


  31. Shit! I'm late as well, I was looking forward to donating. Oh well. JJ and STY, if anyone deserves this Full-Sized Edward, it's you two. I know you'll do the rest of us proud, those of us who can't have one because their husbands would have them committed. I can't wait to see these pictures!!!

  32. HOW did we miss this? nomness would have been COMPLETELY behind this. And if you need someone to man the camera, I volunteer readily. You can't be THAT far.

    Bollix. I would have paid just for the posted video. Also, STY's pic. Because I'm a dirty voyeur like that.

  33. My p.o.t.d. is just for you. Get one, or two. They are WORTH it! :D

  34. oh MY i am so thrilled to see that you guys are good for bail money - i have the feeling we're gonna need it once we get our hands on this thing - is there a specific "drunk and disorderly in public with FSE" ordinance? because we need everyone to save up enough to get us out of that one for sure! and i get the feeling that DH and ML would just as soon leave us in the pokey when the call comes in that john law had shut down the funny.

    hey tasha - can you send us a "get out of jail free" card? or two??? lol...

    you all blow me away - thanks for being so awesome! I'm practically all "choked-up STY" right now - gah!

  35. You know, just as soon as you buy him they will come out with some cool 'New Moon' full size with fully blended makeup! Course, nothing wrong with having TWO full sized Edwards to sandwich myself..I mean...yourselves in between...

  36. I'm so sorry I missed the donation period! However I'm definitely up for sending you ladies bail money. Just say the word. :o) Funny enough, I have a FSE that I bought last month when I went to the States. The FYE employee looked at me like I was crazy (and kinda laughed at me), since I'm not a teenager. (I debated buying him months ago but felt like a weirdo and that I shouldn't be wasting money on cardboard...very cute cardboard but still. And imagine being caught at the border on my way home having to explain to Canadian Customs?) Luckily they didn't look in the trunk. (Although once we passed the border I put him in the backseat as an extra passenger. lol) He's currently still folded in half in my room. I'm trying to figure out when/where to use him. But thanks to you ladies, I'll have inspiration.

    Also quick question...where did you get mini Edward? I need one of those for my purse for random picture taking...especially when I go to Vegas for my 27 birthday in September. I figure if I order him soon, he'll be in soon. :o)


    p.s. - Keep up the fantastic work and I can't wait to see what crazy hijinks you come up with!

  37. Bwahahahaha!
    God, how did I miss this..
    You guys have an amazing following, donation time was over between my daily checks..
    How long will it be before FSE is delivered?

  38. So so glad for you! Embarrassing things? No more than me wanting to give Pocket Edward a tongue bath!! :D

  39. JJ & STY - You should use the extra $ for a second FSE... you KNOW the first one won't last long.

    Limey - Sorry for the confusion; I call mine a crotch:-)

  40. It actually occurred to me that they might come out with "New Moon Edward" soon - but hey, you can't have too much Edward, and if we have two, JJ and I won't have have a custody battle on a nightly basis.

    The only place I know of that is selling the Edward Action Figure is eBay, but I hear people find him in stores sometimes (they don't have them in stores near me, though, fwiw). Good luck!

  41. In NYC, Forbidden Planet has the set, only Edward had sunglasses.

    ALSO, saw them in Borders (I think it was Borders, it MAY have been B&N).

    Have been debating on getting one for a couple of weeks now. Decisions.

  42. @STY- Custody battle. Holy crap! hahaha You'll have to work out access visits and schedules. Bloody funny! Oh you'll have to get him a pea coat and a beanie. Or screw the pea coat just the beanie.

    @Cinzia - I got my Mini Edward online at Good luck.

    @Suz - Crotch/Crutch doesn't matter it's all the the same vag! haha

  43. fucken A!!!!!!!1 i woulda dropped some dough your way, and now i feel bad cuz i didnt get on the comp yesterday........ babystitting a 1 1/2 year old for 2 days was stressful, and i suffered twi-withdrawls because i couldnt get on the comp or read the books with her, i got a lil solice in the fact that i had the soundtrack playing though, robs voice is soothing....... fuick and a turn on!

    if theres nething else u guys need out help with, ill def be putting somin down on the table for u ladies!


    Yet another :)

  45. Huh. I wonder if this is what a porn star feels like right before he gets on camera for the money shot. Is he afraid he's gonna go limp? Not live up to expectations?

    Because shit. We need to make all you proud. And laugh until your tits hurt.

    I can't seem to shake this mental image of me skydiving with FSE strapped to my back or something.

    As for getting arrested my first thought actually was 'Damn! It would be AWESOME to get a pic of FSE in the back of a cop car.' so apparently I'm cool with getting thrown in the big house.

    You guys are really something else, though. We are honestly staggered by how amazing all of you have been.

    And I have a feeling that you all are waiting impatiently for us to embarrass the holy fuck out ourselves... ;P

    We adore you!!!

  46. Holy shit! Cop cars, limp dick and tits falling off?! Frig you'd better tell your honey to look out? haha Sorry but can't friggin wait.

    Couldn't you open the money button again just for a little while???? So that those of us who couldn't contribute earlier can help with his wardrobe like his beanie or g-string or something??? Or for the bottles of wine that you girls are going to need. Would you, could you, could you, would you??? P L E's.. :D

  47. Holy Hell! Closed, already...well I'm always a day late and a dollar short. Ladies, you can count me in on the bail funding...I can't wait for the piss in my pants laughter.

  48. Missed being able to donate. I make a living chasing kids all day and alas, just got home. (I don't even have a office job where I can check my reader every 5 minutes, woe is me.)

    I'll send you embarrassing Twipics of myself though, if they ever happen. *fingerscrossedforaForkstrip*

    And I owe you pics of my custom made (by Deb aka red_bella) Twitarded t-shirt! As soon as it comes, I'll be emailing some pics Twitarded's way... :D

  49. How did I miss all this loveliness??? Maybe the WA comma I'm living in. Hum... Either way this is beyond fabulous! WOOT WOOT! <-- yep that was a two woot occasion for sure. I can't wait to see all the FSE fun. Congrats guys. All your Twitarded followers fucking rock!

  50. Ack!!! Bloody hell! I didn't get to contribute. Okay - well, if you need the funds for bail, skydiving with FSE, wardrobe, replacement FSEs, etc. You let me know. I'll be your gal.

    Looking forward to laughing till my tits hurt.

  51. I wanted to contribute too!! Im new here but GOD you guys crack me up. I am also an over 20 grown woman with a husband that rolls his eyes whenever I'm talking about Twilight, Edward, or replacing him with Edward. I haven't shared my addiction with my friends, but now I know I'm not crazy.

  52. This comment has been removed by the author.

  53. hey girls congratulations!!!finally getting that FSE!!oh man i can't wait to see wht you're gonna do with him. that video cracked me up!! i wanna do bad things with youuu jajaja

  54. I swear... i don't check the site for 3 days and then I'm too late to donate! I can't wait to see the hilarity that will no doubt ensue upon FSE's arrival. Just post if you need bail money or someone to sign you out once the nice men in white coats take you away for a "24 hour observation". we're here for ya!

  55. You gals are amazing!!
    There isn't a day goes by that I don't check Twitarded or re-read the blogs of yours (I even started following JJ and STY on Twitter just so I wouldn't miss a post)and I always end up laughing so hard that even my fish gives me funny looks!
    And that's a hard thing for my little fish

    I'm looking forward to the crazy pictures of you two and FSE
    Let the mayhem commence!
    I will be watching and waiting hehe

  56. I couldn't help but contribute to the mayhem. I know I can't wait to see what happens!!


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