Friday, January 8, 2010

Fan Fiction and Nutella - aka More Twitarded Randomness

Today is Mr. Snarky's birthday which means Snarkier Than You has very reluctantly left Twitarded alllll alone in the hands of yours truly. For some reason she thinks that if she leaves me unattended I'm going to do something totally offensive or evil or post nude photoshopped pictures of her.

Lucky for her I don't know how to use photoshop. Yet.

Despite the fact that I knew I had to post something tonight I waited until the very last minute to start writing. Actually, this is pretty much my MO for every post so I guess I can't really use that as an excuse. In my defense, I sat down last night with the full intention of writing this but instead got into an all out Twitter clusterfuck with Latchkey Wife, Texas Katherine, Moijojojo from Twigasm and many, many others. Seriously, it was like a crazy Twitter dance party last night and I think Moi may have slipped me a roofie but I now know what Nutella is so it's all good.

I'm supposed to spread this on someone's nuts, right? RPaaaaaatz, where are youuuuuuu...

I also spent a good part of my evening [er, and day, to be honest] torturing Latchkey Wife by threatening to write a snuff-fic of her killing off Edward, which was really fun because apparently killing off Edward is her Kryptonite. She was all crying, "NOOOOO, how could you!! Pleeease, I'm begging you, don't do it!!!" and I was all, "Suck it, gangrenous vagina, the vamp is taking a dirt nap. HOW YOU LIKIN' ME NOW, ARIZONA?!"

Okay, okay, it didn't really go like that. But Latchkey is still a gangrenous vagina. Oh, and in case she's right and I'll get kicked out of the Fandom for making Edward buy the farm, I'm totally lying about all of this - don't believe her even if she has the emails.

That being said, when I woke up this morning I swore to myself I would sit in front of the computer and write something really fucking witty and awesome. So I sat in front of the Mac, booted it up... and decided to check FanFiction.net. Just one quick peek, and then I'd write the bestest post ever...

This is what happened to the post I was planning on writing.

I'm such an asshole.

On the upside, I have a really, really spectacular fic recommendation for all you horny ladies.

It's called Burn and Shine by Pulsepoint and I think this Edward is in running contendership with both Tattward and Masterward for favorite Edward. This dude is one serious badass. And if you're a Jasper lover, this fic is for you! This is the first story I've read where I was seriously torn between Jasper and Edward. Well, to be honest I kinda wanted to have a Jaspward sandwich with these two characters. What? Are you really surprised?

It would be like this but minus Alice, plus me. Oh and we'd be naked. In bed.

The premise, taken directly from the author [because I'm a fucking lazy jerk] is "At first glance felonious Edward seems like nothing but trouble, but as sheltered college student Bella digs deeper she realizes he is so much more. Possibly too much for her to handle. ExB, AH, rated M for dark/adult themes and profanity."


It's incomplete but it had me practically licking the screen because Edward and Jasper are just plain fuckhawt. It's not for the very faint of heart but holy-wet-panties is it good. So check it out.

I'm off to watch Paranormal Activity because I'm all alone tonight, in a creepy new house that creaks and groans and I figured it was the perfect time to watch a horror flick about a possessed creepy, groan-y house. I'm so brilliant my fucking brain hurts sometimes...

57 comments:

  1. You fucking tampon stain. Do NOT kill Edward. That is all.

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  2. ok so just a warning you might cry...there is a specific part of this movie that had my vbowels threating to explode into my not so attractive under attire....i also cryed a little...its like lame sauce for the first ummmmm 3/4 of the movie then ur terrified i totally dont do ghosts vampires yes wearwolves yes ghosts DEFFINATLY NOT! FYI for all those dirty vampy vags out there whom looove the smuttness i have a few recomendations.....ok so these azre not twilight books but they are for big girls and ill tell u some of em had me blushing and looking behine me on the bus and squirming in my office chair ( pack a clean pair o nickers ladies)
    First and foremost THE BLACK DAGGAR BROTHERHOOOD BY J.R WARD. IF YOU HAVE NOT HEARD OF THIS YOU ARE TRULY MISSING OUT it is 7 books all of a different male vampire......and i promis you there is something for every one...from bondage to soft loving and caressing but its some MAJOR VAMPIRE SEXIN' ;) Snarky u will thank me i promise!! and then there is karolynn sparks....ok so who doesnt love a man with an accent??? ok so add an accent....scottish or irish....odd a VErrrrry BUFf vampire and smush em all together and you gots some good reads there is 7 or 8 of these as well xoxoxox thank you for giving me my daily twi related laugh or just some good ol' SMUTTT
    xoxo
    Rose

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  3. yep...now i have story #101 that i am favoriting...

    can someone tell work that i fell off a cliff and need another month off, cuz some TWITARD just rec'd another story that will run up there with the big 5....

    FFFFFUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKKK MEEEEEE.

    that is all....

    oh and i love you...in a totally virtual stalkery fan girl sort of way...

    -steph

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  4. LMAO. Jenny Jerkface, you and Snarkier complete me. I mean that. You guys COMPLETE me. Your blog has become as essential for me as air is to breathe. But Twitarded is now more important to me than air. Seriously.

    LMAO to Latchkey's comment... I'm with you Latchkey. NO ONE, under any circumstances, should kill off Edward. Ever.

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  5. Love you, but, please, don't kill edward, I would be sad ...

    and thx for yet another incomplete fanfic :P

    I'm so impatient it's ridiculous!!! (off to check out burn and shine ...)

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  6. Hey! Totally new to Twitarded. Had no idea you existed until I saw it on Robstenlovers. I am sure it has been said before, but this site is fucking awesome. I am a newborn Robsessed Twi-hard, so there is sooooo much I need to see/read/learn. PLEASE TEACH ME oh great masters of the Twi-universe.
    ...Going to check out the twi-porn...
    Clean panties? Check.

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  7. Just have to agree with a few things here. First: please don't kill Edward, but do keep recommending delicious, porn-y fics. Yes, please.
    Also: I agree with Rose - y'all should read the Black Dagger Brotherhood NOW. I did the same thing, looking over my shoulder on the bus, trying not to let people see the smut I was reading in public. The brothers are HAWT. They would make Tattward blush.

    Happy Friday!

    v/w: mesocer. Killing Edward would be a mesocer.

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  8. @LKW--I can't believe you would kill Edward! I always knew you were insane. And a serial killer. Thank goodness Crime Stoppers pays, cuz momma needs a new pair of shoes.

    I was on Twitter last night? Huh. Don't remember that. I may have had a little to drink.

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  9. Let me know how Paranormal Activity is. I have it in my Netflix queue.

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  10. @ JJ The trip home by Ms Kathy features an Edward/Bella/Jasper threesome. Haven't read it yet but it's bookmarked on my TR list.

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  11. LMAO! Oh my god. I can’t imagine the reviews, if you ever wrote a fanfic where Edward is killed. *snickers*

    Ok, so Paranormal Activity is creepy. Can’t wait to here your thoughts, and I saw it in the theater in between my two middle fingers. Yeah. It’s like that.

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  12. Yummy yummy! I've been denying myself some good Twiporn since I've been in the "real world" or some shit like that... I guess the upside is that my house if about half clean. Still want more smut, though!

    And completely off topic-- what is the font you guys used for your Team Twitarded merch? I'm thinking of making a shirt for my hubby. :o)

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  13. *sigh* So, I was doing my last minute check for updates {{again}}, and low-and-behold... new post & fic recommendations. I am seriously not getting anything done tonight.

    I am too scared to try and watch that movie during the day - good luck JJ. Can you teach me to photoshop when you figure it out - I am clueless.

    @donnal14: You need to read that story! There is some really steamy scenes, almost made me pass out *wink wink*

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  14. First of all, I've vicariously followed some of your tweet-fests - including last night's - and they are deeply disturbing, like a 12 car pile-up (with much profanity) that I can't turn away from. (And thank you LKW for stalking-I mean following me.)

    Secondly, don't you touch a fucking piece of bronze hair on his head. I read a O/S where Edward was killed off. It was well written and different but I had to self-medicate afterwards.

    Thirdly, I stayed up til all hours last night reading The Antidote by jandco. Not a ton of lemons but a unique twist on canon. I rec it.

    And lastly, if you're ballsy enough to watch a horror flick in a new/old house alone, I DARE YOU to stand FSE in the corner:-)

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  15. Oh, and fifthly (is that a word? Is now), I have fairly mad Photoshop skills should you need some assistance in the that'll-teach-her-to-have-a-life department!

    wv: conispi. Sounds Italian. Where the hell is my EP update?

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  16. Burn and Shine by Pulsepoint! Holy heck! This is one hell of a fic! Felonward is right up there with Tattward and Masterward!
    Most of the time I really can't Jasper in fics, but this Jasper.... I want one of those!


    vw-"nolbused" It seems that JJ will have her "nolbused" if she kills of Edward.

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  17. I just want to say that @LKW did out the peen photos in my dream so I am not entirely sure what she is capable of anymore. ;-)

    I will have you know that I was one of "the others" on that fucking tweetfest giving label definitions of what the ambrosia that is Nutella is to a certain murder suspect.

    Thanks for the fanfic rec JJ.

    I am done.

    V/W "itchpi" I hope when I get the chance to finally pleasure RPattz that, as a result, I don't get the 'itchpi'.

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  18. @JJ--Kudos! Watching PA all by yourself in a (sort of) haunted house takes balls. Wait. Did I just say kudos? What kind of fucktard says kudos?! I mean, really.

    @LKW--In response to your awe-inspiring use of the phrase "tampon stain": I'd kill for you. Seriously. Kill. For. You.

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  19. I know, I should know better than to start readin Twitarded with a Rob of coffee. I really did think I was going to have to cross to the sink and spit it out then, which would have been lovely as my father-in-law was just walking past the window, but luckily I just turned from the screen and one disapproving look from FSE calmed me down enough to swallow. Yep, it was the gangrenous vagina comment that did it, followed by LKW's tampon stain. I really wish I could rock the insults like you gals.

    Oh, and way to crush my victory glow at finally catching up with the last 7 chapters of MoTU last night. Oh well, my fanfic 'to do' list was one item shorter for 6hrs at least. I need to save money so I can travel the world's time zones collecting extra hours as I go to fit all this shit in. Pft.

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  20. BTW, Edward & Jasper fic? Mrs.P's gonna jump on this like Jasper on a papercut. Muahahaaa!

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  21. Ohhhh good luck with paranormal activity. I watched it and I think i have slept with one eye open ever since! It scared the hell out of me!
    And what the fuck is Nutella made of anyways???

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  22. Only thing worse than killing off Edward is to turn him gay. I would rather him be dead than gay.

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  23. Fuck it. Another fic I need to get time to read.

    Why cant my world just shrivel up and leave me in peace for a solid week so I can lap up all the delicious schmexy ficWards in a freznied ficfest?

    Oh wait. Cos my child might starve. Not cool. oh well, I guess for now I will trudge on at my lowly pace when I get time - like now.

    Nutella? They have that shit in other countries besides here in Australia? I'll be damned.

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  24. umm i heart you, and i always watch scary movies by myself! we are like freakin twin geniuses!
    fo to the rizzle!

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  25. The only way to watch horror is by yourself in the dead of night. If I'm watching scary, I want to be freaking the fuck out and need to leave the light on and stash a big knife next to the bed when I attempt sleep.

    Don't let Latchkey push you around, JJ. Blackmail schmackmail--you've got the neutron bomb.

    This post went great with Saturday morning waffles. Tanks.

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  26. You do realize, JJ, that when you actively reccomend a fan fic an instant frenzy is ignited? You are aware that when you send our horny asses over to fanfiction.com the site crashes, right? Can you feel it, feel the power JJ, you are the master of the universe!!!!

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  27. @JJ - Damn it. Another awesome ff rec? You whoreflap! I agree with holdmeRansom - someone needs to explain this to my employer. Do you think anyone has ever taken a sabbatical to read ff before?

    @suzspetals - I was watching the sparks fly on Twitter, too. It was too funny!

    @Stan - I thought of Mrs. P right away when I read that, too!

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  28. 1. Twilight DVD playing - check.
    2. Mr. XKR off running errands - check.
    3. Sweatpants - check.
    4. Crazy Core Skittles AND new FF, both found because of Twitarded - check.
    5. And - get this - a bottle of "Cupcake" brand chardonnay. I got some dirty looks when I dissolved into giggles in the wine aisle upon seeing it.

    It's going to be an effing FANTASTIC day! Cheers, bitches!

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  29. @Steph & 17Forever & all...I introduced my boss to ff and she loves it, too! So try THAT angle!!!

    @Erica: YOU WERE ON FIRE yesterday, but in the future, please stay out of my Rob fairytale fantasies!

    **Happy B-day to the ever-tolerant Mr Snarky!!**
    May your band have 1000+ followers, too! Oh, and if SNY gives you a plaid shirt as a gift, put it on immediately for her!

    JJ--In reference to Deadward...I actually could totally handle Edward dying if it really made sense in the story and also if it totally took me by surprise! If nothing else, FF is about using your creative license, not stifling it!

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  30. Paranormal Activity had me jumping in the movie theater I can't imagine watching it alone in a new house =p good luck.

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  31. @donnal14 - The Trip Home is HOT. I'm reading it right now and well, let's just say there's some serious double penetration scenes that will knock your fucking panties off.

    @TK - Fuck you whore. I would never kill Edward. Keep him tied up in my basement for sexual favors - yes. Kill - no.

    @suzpetals - You're welcome for the follow.... :)

    @Erica - You'd kill for me? Really? Where can I forward my list?

    @Stan - You too can curse like a pro - Creative Cursing, $9.95 on Amazon. Although I think Jenny makes up lots of her own 'cause I know gangrenous vagina is NOT in that book!

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  32. I love Nutella!!!!!!!! and wouldn't mind licking it off all of Robward's naughty bits yummy :)Thanks for the fic recommendation I am going to kill a view hours of day reading that now!

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  33. @LKW-- Please send your kill list to TeddybearsAndRainbows@MyLittlePony.com. I sometimes have to outsource a few jobs due to increased demand around the New Year.

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  34. Girls, we an totally work this out.

    JJ gets to kill off Edward in a story. LKW continues the story and in order to resurrect Edward from the dead, both JJ and LKW have to lick Nutella off Jasper's nuts. Edward comes back once the bags are properly sucked and more Nutella fun for all four of you.

    See how fun compromising can be?

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  35. Um---a Jasper AND Edward fic???? Holy shit on a stick batman. Gwenward gave me the heads up and I ran over as fast as I could.
    P.S---I've never had Nutella, but I hear it's pretty awesome. I like to pretend it's what we would call Bella if she had nuts.

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  36. What you've never had Nutella? It's like sex in a jar. Like we all fantasize sex with Rob would be with him feeding you Ferraro Rochers at the same time...Yum.

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  37. I think Twitarded needs a section just devoted to fuck-awesome ff we love, you know with a brief little description, then perhaps vote tallies of if people like it or not etc. I mean has anyone else found a really good way to sort through, besides just looking though your fav author's favs? I've seen some blogs, but nothing updated reguarly like Twitarded, and nothing with, ahem, "our" tastes--I'll just go ahead and put us all in the same group bc from what I can tell, we love the same smut. Whaddya think?

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  38. @Mrs. P - let me know how the stories are, I'm still trying to catch up on other recommended fics

    @Simply_Amber - Nutella is made with hazelnuts. It is orgasmic with a hot piece of buttered toast and a little peanut butter (if only I could figure out how to add some Rob to my sammich {evil grin})

    @RogueTeach - brilliant idea, that would be a very interesting fic to read

    @M474 - I completely agree with you, I have not found anything either. I just keep hitting the "Add Story to Favorites" button when I see a rec, but then I sometimes forget why I added it and where the rec came from. I really like the voting idea too

    @JJ & STY - I know nothing of how to blog and if it wouldn't be too much extra work I think it would be a great addition

    wv: tridis (it's a sign) - you should just tridis and see how it goes...

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  39. Some links for those looking for fic recs:

    On Twitter follow@TwificRecs

    And a couple of good blogs:
    The Lemon Sisters

    The Fictionators

    Hope this helps those looking for recs and I hope those like me, with lists as long as Carlisle's scarves laid end to end, don't hurt their heads banging themselves on the table at having more fics to add ;o)

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  40. Oh, forgot to ask, Erica, I think I need to follow you on Twitter lol, what's your name over there?

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  41. @Stan - Now why did I not think to ask you for links like that before. *bangs head against desk*

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  42. http://shop.nordstrom.com/S/3020532

    WANT.

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  43. Holy mother of God. I have found the ultimate put down. "You're a gangrenous vagina." I swear I laughed so much a little bit of wee came out.

    First time I've commented (yeah, lazy bitch I know) but I LURVE this blog so much I thought it was time I pulled my finger out my arse (not literally I might add) and jumped on board.

    Nutella - good stuff. Just a word of warning. It's a bitch to get out of bed sheets so if you fancy giving all that nutty chocolatey goodness a whirl with your s/o, make sure your sheets aren't white, cause they'll be stained for life. Public service announcement over.

    Yay...more ff recommendations!I'm so behind, it's not funny. My whole day has literally been sucked into the vortex they call "The Submissive". The only two times I got up from the sofa was first to befriend my battery powered friend this morning and then this afternoon, to drag the boyfriend upstairs by the scrotum. Gawd, it was hot. And now I've discovered that I can do it all again in "The Dominant". Note to self - Must. Buy. More. Batteries.

    As always JJ & STY, loving your work.

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  44. Ah yes, the only thing better than watching horror movies on your own is watching them alone in a haunted house. Like mine.

    @mrsmoo: Mmmm, Nutella. Wouldn't mind licking that off Robward's nuts. Thanks for the heads-up about the sheets ;) And batteries...I know there are plenty of batteries in my house, but they always disappear when I need them most. Maybe the ghost is a prude...

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  45. Right after I read this I went over to FF and caught up on the lastest chapter of The Daily Grind, which had a smexy scene with said food of the Gods- Nutella. I definately rec you check that one out! And I now have to go catch up on MOTU... and then perhaps start this Burn and Shine. It sounds very appealling...

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  46. I read a story the other day where Bella had a 3 way with Edward and Jasper. Shit now I can't remember the name. I'll email it to you when I find it. But hell you've probably already read it.

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  47. Loved Burn and Shine. Angsty Edward thanking Alice for a sandwich while in the fetal position is the best. Keep up the fabric recommendations please.

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  48. thanks Stan for the blogs! I guess too the Twi Perv Smut Shack (?) has reviews

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  49. @Stan-Sorry for not responding to your question sooner. {{blushing}} I actually didn't have a Twitter account when you asked for my username.

    I created a new account last night. (It's a fledgling.) If you'd still like to follow me, my username is McWinn77.

    MAN, I'm exhausted! Guess being Twitarded and Twitterfucked in less than one week will do that to a girl. ;)

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  50. What you've never had Nutella? It's like sex in a jar. Like we all fantasize sex with Rob would be with him feeding you Ferraro Rochers at the same time...Yum.

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  51. Um---a Jasper AND Edward fic???? Holy shit on a stick batman. Gwenward gave me the heads up and I ran over as fast as I could.
    P.S---I've never had Nutella, but I hear it's pretty awesome. I like to pretend it's what we would call Bella if she had nuts.

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  52. Girls, we an totally work this out.

    JJ gets to kill off Edward in a story. LKW continues the story and in order to resurrect Edward from the dead, both JJ and LKW have to lick Nutella off Jasper's nuts. Edward comes back once the bags are properly sucked and more Nutella fun for all four of you.

    See how fun compromising can be?

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  53. I love Nutella!!!!!!!! and wouldn't mind licking it off all of Robward's naughty bits yummy :)Thanks for the fic recommendation I am going to kill a view hours of day reading that now!

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  54. Paranormal Activity had me jumping in the movie theater I can't imagine watching it alone in a new house =p good luck.

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  55. @LKW--I can't believe you would kill Edward! I always knew you were insane. And a serial killer. Thank goodness Crime Stoppers pays, cuz momma needs a new pair of shoes.

    I was on Twitter last night? Huh. Don't remember that. I may have had a little to drink.

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  56. Love you, but, please, don't kill edward, I would be sad ...

    and thx for yet another incomplete fanfic :P

    I'm so impatient it's ridiculous!!! (off to check out burn and shine ...)

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