Tuesday, January 19, 2010

FanFic Cures What Ails You [er, or me]

Today was one of those days where I just couldn't get my head screwed on straight [ahem]. I mean, we have SO much to do, what with our little Forks excursion [is it possible to get banned from a town? Will they put our pictures up, all Wild West Style?] and our anniversary giveaways (more to come - promise!).

'Nuff said.

It doesn't help that things are busy as hell at work. There was so much shit flying today I had the overwhelming urge to answer my phone at work all, "what... and stuff?" ala Rifftrax style (somewhere along the 4:46 marker) or, better yet, growl at people when they ask where the fuck my TPS reports are. Because no one like to mess with the Crazy.

You know how some people drink a lot when they're stressed at work? Or take it out on their S/O? Or maybe you go around pushing old ladies with walkers in shopping aisles or kicking puppies to relieve the tension?

Well, not me. First of all, I challenge you to define 'a lot' when it comes to drinking under these circumstances and secondly, I would never even contemplate doing something as heinous as harassing the elderly or terrorizing small animals. Who would even think of that? Me? No. I prefer more socially acceptable ways to help ease that tension.

I read porn. I guess I should have specified which social group I was talking about.

Anyway, I have a few new fan fictions that I find myself obsessively checking to see if they've updated recently.

But - I should warn you... there aren't a lot of... lemons in these. Yet! {{does Duck n' Cover to avoid being pelted by vibrators, anal plugs and other frightening-looking objects}} I mean, there is always the possibility of a blow job in the future chapters. Lemons aside, these two fics are really good and I definitely suggest you check them out, especially if you like the more angsty relationship-types.

The first one is called Expectations and Other Moving Pieces by Chrometurtle. Here's the synopsis from FanFiction.net - Everything I had done in my life seemed to lead up to this moment. The moment when I found myself bound inextricably to a man I didn’t love, trapped in a life I didn’t want. And if I left him, I would be entirely alone.

It's a pretty heavy fic, with an angry, cold Edward and a very isolated Bella but the writing is just excellent. There was something that had happened in the past that she only alludes to by dangling these tiny little morsels of information in each chapter.

The next one is called I Run to You by MidnightTrain. I'm in love with her characters, especially vagabond Bella, Jasper and Emmett. It's canon pairings with possible lemons in future chapters and it's been a fun read, even if it's a got some angsty moments. There is drinking, tattoos, broken hearts and 1960 Gibson Hummingbird. Can't go wrong with that.

I have a better chance of farting loudly in front of RPattz than I do of ever being able to play a guitar with some small level of proficiency. Unless we're talking Guitar Hero - cuz then I'll wreck you, bitch.

Now, because I know you are all a bunch of hungry beavers looking for the smutty goodness, I do have a lemony filled one-shot for you. This one was actually recommended to me by TexasKatherine (you can find her spitting witticisms and vitriol on Twitter - @texaskatherine) and I was grinning like a fool in the first moment when I started reading it and drooling the next. It's another piece by KatieBelleCullen called Wendy's and, let me tell you, if any of my experiences at Wendy's were ever like this, I'd be going every night. Let's put it this way: A Frosty and a boy with a tongue ring. Need any more encouragement to check it out? Yeah, I didn't think so.

If I have to explain to you why a cold frosty and a tongue piercing has smexy potential, there is a problem. You've been under-exposed. Don't worry, I can remedy that.

I know a few of you have requested that we get some kind of link for all our fan fiction recommendations and we are totally on that. We will get to it in a timely fashion as soon as we can, promise!


  1. First of all, I don't spit. It's very unladylike. And I am a fucking lady, dammit!

    Secondly, yes it is possible to be banned from a town. Er, so I've heard. From a friend. A friend who is most definately not me. Totally different person.

    Thirdly, I'm totally pissed that you are adding to my To Be Read list. I need fic interns stat.

  2. Ohh more to add to the reading list... I need an Iphone so I can read these at work damn it!

    Hmmm shall we start taking wagers as to how long it takes for you to be banned from ffffoooorrrrkkkksss!

  3. I can’t stand it! There’s too many good fanfics out there, how am I ever going to read them all.

  4. Ooh glad you rec'd I Run to You by MidnightTrain! So in love with this story!
    The angst is sooo good! And you don't want to kick Bella in the junk.... you kind wanna chill with her.

    I like the warped "Book Club" we've got going on here!<3

  5. I love that FSE is in the background of your "WANTED" pic, judging you silently... FSE sees all and knows all!

    : )

  6. I'm only reading ff if Edward is sticking it to Bella.......in the right hole!

  7. Haha...TPS reports...that is the best movie....besides Twilight I mean, of course...If someone was going to pester me about TPS reports I would go all Victoria on their ass.......then read some fan fic. Thanks for the recs!

  8. I just want to say THANK YOU for the fan fic links and also I am proud to announce I finally got DH to watch Twilight with me.....

    A la Rifftrax.

    But whatever man! He watched it!
    -Catherine, Cathy, Cat

  9. Red Bella don't do it! If you think Twific consumes your life now...the iPhone makes it worse....it's like....like.... I gotta read, I just gotta read all the time and it's right at my finger tips with my phone and it's great....but at the same time, I am becoming antisocial and I want there to be a long line at the grocery store so I can read. I want the lady at the bank to take a million years depositing my money so I can read!

    So um yeah...the friggen iPhone....so great but be prepared because it's so evil too at the same time.
    Gawd after writing this I hope i'm not the only one with this problem...tee hee..how embaressing!
    Oh and thanks for the rec's JJ...I'm on it!

  10. I just finally finished the Saga. I am all sorts of sad AND I want to punch Stephenie Meyer in the neck, okay? Because, what the fuck, seriously. THANKS FOR INDUCING MY BIPOLAR DISORDER, TWIBETCH. This fanfic post came in the nic of time, so thank you.

    Also, are TPS reports real? I mean, is that something that corporate people do, write TPS reports? Is it like ROI? Or is it just something in Office Space. I've always wanted to know, but didn't know who to ask.


    I'm all meh because, well, it's over. I know how it ends! Right. Like I didn't see it coming the whole time.

  11. And another thing. Have you guys seen this in the New York Times, from last Sept? OF COURSE YOU HAVE. But what if you haven't?


    (A story about all the twitourism in Forks)

    Squee! My word verification is killa!

  12. And another thing. Have you guys seen this in the New York Times, from last Sept? OF COURSE YOU HAVE. But what if you haven't?


    (A story about all the twitourism in Forks)

    Squee! My word verification is killa! It's the little things.

  13. Damn, there's more! I so backed up on FF, don't get me wrong, I read, (and read and read), but posts like this adds more to my list and I seriously fucking lose sleep! Classes start back tomorrow - I have no idea how I'm going ot maintain any descent GPA and feed my ff addiction, AND feed my family! Like right now - I gotta go - I need to be in bed by 1!

  14. Ok guys, I'm sure everybody has already been there, because I'm the last one to do anything, but have you guys read Alphabet Weekends?
    Jesus H. Christ it's hot!
    I'm sitting here having just read the first two chapters, my pulse is about 180, and the farking man of the house is ASLEEP. Serious, got bitchy when I tried to wake him up, asleep.

    And no, I'm not the author, this is not shameless self-promotion.
    I need Rob. Bad. Cold shower instead :-(

  15. Damn you Jenny! My list is like 25fics long already. I don't watch a lick of TV anymore all I do is read fanfic and I am still 25 deep. No more...who am I kidding? Thank you! Thank you! Oh and I love the angsty ones the bestest...but I do like my lemons too.

    @Myg--let it out sweetie...we have all been there. It's tough I know. Be grateful you have all these Twat Waffles to hold your hand and guide you further into this obsession.

  16. @Myg - have you seen the YouTube video "Hitler was not Dazzled by Breaking Dawn"? That pretty much sums up how I felt after reading it and coming to the end of the saga.


  17. Yup all you fuckers got me started on fanfics and yes I have an iphone which just adds fuel to the fire burning in my pants... like while I'm at work, at stoplights, whenever I have a spare moment or when I was waiting at the dentist's office while my son had his filling replaced. I found myself looking around to see if I was being watched.

  18. Eeer... Hi!

    It's been a long time since my last comment (hangs head in shame).
    Just wanted to say a quick hello.

    I think real life caught up with me and has me trapped :(

    I've been taking peeks at twitarded, curiously I usually do it when there is a suggestion to read twi-porn. Hmmm....

    Miss having more time for the internet. Miss you all.

    Lots of kisses.

  19. Glad you're still with us Selene. I wondered where you'd gone. Glad you're still lurking ;)

  20. Really, what is a TPS report? Is it something like Chandler's Wenus?

    JJ, I appreciate and curse you for the fic recs. My unread list is impossibly long, yet I keep compulsively adding to it like a crazy person. I can't even remember how I used to spend my time before Twilight, your blog, and fan fic.

  21. Really, what is a TPS report? Is it something like Chandler's Wenus?

    JJ, I appreciate and curse you for the fic recs. My unread list is impossibly long, yet I keep compulsively adding to it like a crazy person. I can't even remember how I used to spend my time before Twilight, your blog, and fan fic - not that I miss it!

  22. Love it love it LOVE IT when you post new fanfic recs. Expectations.... is making my heart hurt!

  23. You got me totally hooked on The Lost Boys! I really considered calling out of work today so I could keep reading. Oh well back to fanfiction.net to read the latest The Training chapter and then back to my Lost Boys :)

  24. JJ - Thanks for the fic recs! I luuuuuv it when I open Twitarded and you've got some new FF's for us. Because, I've realized we must have exactly the same taste in fics....I always love whatever you recommend. And a well-written fic is just like.....my favorite thing ever.


  25. @mmMoxie That Hitler Breaking Dawn video was teh awesome. Made my morning!

  26. thanks as always for the fan fic recs!

    @JJ, what happened to 15 Steps? I read up to Chap 9....is there more???????????? Puuulleeeaaassseee??

  27. Hey girls - I'm a long-time fan but have never commented before. But I had to pop my cherry for you girls! Ha!
    So, yeah, I know what you mean. I'm going to see your ff porn addiction and raise you a giant dildo. I'm totally addicted to ff...and I WRITE this stuff too! It's torture, I tell you! My ass is totally pwned by the stories I'm hooked on (CW & IA, The Training, Crushed Seraphim, I could go on and on!) and then I have to answer to the story line I'm working on. It keeps me up at night. It keeps me from doing a lick of work during the day, from getting my butt to the gym, and from paying attention to my poor husband (unless I've just read some particularly lemoney stuff, and then watch out!).
    Sigh. Oh well.
    If you want a rec, here's mine: Here's to Strategy, by Lumedog7 on Twilighted.
    Love you girls! And where's 15 Step? We want more!

  28. You know what - I have no idea if TPS reports are real but I'm glad I finally can reference some pop culture, since I tend to suck in that department. lOL.

    15 Step will be coming out... soon? I've been working on it! I just suck at updating in a timely manner. I'm hoping to get the next chapter up by the end of next week. :)

  29. @Laura - Welcome!

    @STY - Glad you pointed out FSE in the background of that pic. LOL!

    @JJ - I'm not into angst (now I'm ducking), but I am in to fast food :)



  30. thanks for the recs! I added the two of them to my "to read list" and I screamed when I saw that it has reached 12....OMG these fanfics are about to take over my life, oh wait they already do. dammit. although I would love my list to stop at 12....keep the recs coming :)

    ps. is it bad that when I typed coming I spelled it the wrong way, oh this semester professors are going to have a fun time grading my fan fic brain papers!

  31. Hey all you Twi FanFic (TFF) Hoors... I've been incomunicado for a week wrapped in the soothing balm of TFF. My 50th B-day gift from Hubby 4 days of glorious, gilt free, un-interrupted indulgence. Don't know if it helps or makes worse the mid-life crisis I'm currently wallowing in.

    Anyhoo enough about me. I'd be happy to offer my assistance to Snarky & JJ re their trip to Forks I live about 100 miles from Forks. I've already got a possible itinerary set up for you: From Seattle to Forks, to La Push, to Port Angeles, to Victoria, to Vancouver (If we're lucky, maybe they'll be filming in Van) then back to Seattle to complete the loop. I'd recommend August 28 through Sept 6 Then you can cap off the tour at BumberShoot Music Festival in Seattle before you leave.

    I'll be happy to shamelessly mine my Forks connections for you. Let me know what you think.

    Hugs and Kisses to all you TFF Hoors from the Nut Sack of the Olympic Peninsula DonnaL14 aka PNW Luna on FanFic

  32. SQUEEEEE!!! Emancipation Proclamation updated today...

  33. i now have a word file labeled fanfiction. I have a hotmail file labeled fanfiction. i'm now trying to write a one shot...

    however, this one twat waffles is the worst offense - i was waiting in line to meet the FIRST LADY of the United States... and what am i reading you ask? fanfiction..

    what's tv? who has time for tv when there is fanfic to be read?

  34. @donnal14 - are you serious.. YAY!

  35. twi-obsessionwillbethecauseofmydivorceJanuary 20, 2010 at 4:30 PM

    Spent my day reading Company Loves Misery...arrrggg it's so good, I love angst and slow build up if it's written well, and AngstGoddess003 is the master of it.

    I'll have to check out your rec's too. Thx JJ

  36. For Peen's sake! I spend all day being Blog-Blocked by chuffing Blogger, am so excited to get in here and then you throw more bloody fics at me for my overwhelming list! I swear it's cross one off, add ten on *sob*

    I'll be rocking in the corner if you want me....

  37. Donnal14....double friggen Squeeeeeeeeeeeee for Emancipation Proclamation...I looooove that story! I'm off to read!

  38. I think i need a fanfic chart. updated weekly. too much?.. ;o)

    Can i ask - on the fanfic front, because it's been nagging at me: Is it Twilight fanfic if they have the same character names? is that all it takes to qualify?

    Fair enough if so it just takes me a while to adjust my internal Edwards and Bellas. Initially i was just overjoyed to see people had filled in the shag-gaps of Breaking Dawn. But people have created whole other univii! (plural of universes right?) my mind is still at the boggle stage i think.

    Hence - fanfic chart please xx

  39. *Ashamed to ask, but am new here*
    What's with the lemons and where can I find it???

    I spent all MLK day reading ff. Didn't get one fucking thing done.

  40. I hate you bitches. Never, ever read fanfic before until today. But with all these mentions of tongue piercings, Frosties, and whatnot, how could I resist?

    Now all of my free time will be spent trolling for more stories, thanks to you. Oh, well - at least I get the lemon reference now.

  41. Jenny, as if I need more recs for fics to read but I bookmarked them all. It's sad really...I read way too much... but since I'm in the midst of baking about a million chocolate chip cookies for school tomorrow (yup, scary domestic), I will take advantage of things to read. My poor dh doesn't know what hit him and I doubt he really wants to find out why...I think he has an inkling but he pretends not to notice my twitardedness!

  42. The EP update today completely restored my faith in EP Edward.I thought for sure he was gonna go slum it.

    tnx 4 the ff recs.

    Read Mrs P's too! She has some interesting details to her story--and beyond lemons--like lemon zinger!!!

  43. This comment has been removed by the author.

  44. I can't keep up! I've read The Submissive and The Dominant and have caught up with The Trainer and have also caught up with Master of the Universe.

    I've added Expectations and Other Moving Pieces but I CAN'T ADD ANY MORE INCOMPLETE STORIES!!

    I'm going nuts with the ones I have!


  45. Yes, fanfic is an evil, evil thing that makes me all happy and tingley inside!! My sister, ISeeTwiPeople, got me hooked on it when she realized I was reading the Twi-books over and over. Fanfic can ruin marriages, it's true, but you have to be sly about it!! "Honey, I'm just gonna spend four or five hours looking up some delicious recipes to make you in the future. So please take the kids to the park!!"

    'Wide Awake' was my first fanfic, FUCKING AWESOME! Then 'Abbraciare il Cantante, Freakin' LOVED it!
    Then 'Creature of Habit', LOVED it as well. Then a really good one that I wish would update more often called 'Seducing Ms. Swan', then 'The Office' got me all hot and bothered and now I'm obsessed with 'Clipped Wings and Inked Armor' which I think is the best ever. Damn, I need to take a breath!!!!!

    Love to all you crazy lemon-lovin' gals!!

    @Myg - Here's a cute video from YouTube about how Twilight should have ended.


  46. @ mmMoxie - fucking LOVED the Hitler video - too fucking hilarious - thank you.

    Also, a shout out to my husband who is SO freaking awesome that he programed my phone so a pic of Rpatz comes up whenever he (my hubby) calls or texts me. Imagine the heart failure I had the first time the call came in from...RPATZ!!!! SQUEEEEEEEEEE!

    Getting ready to start reading alphabet weekend - hope hubby is ready :)

  47. I would write a long comment but I have to go read FanFic now :)

  48. You guys ROCK my world (and my computer chair) with your fanfic recs! I've been googling like crazy and am all about the bookmarks on my desktop. Mr. Monster has been giving me copious amounts of shit for the number of hours I've been spending online, tho I can't imagine why he's bitching about it when it works to his obvious advantage when I finally come up for air. Silly man!

    Just read Wendy's, and oh my....thanks JJ! ;) I feel all tingly now....

  49. @CullenLover07 A lemon refers to a graphic sex scene. The term was derived from old Blues Songs where squeezing the lemon was a euphemism for sex. If you Google "The Lemon Song" it was recorded by Led Zeppelin in 1969 it contains the following lyrics: "Squeeze my lemon 'til the juice runs down my leg." Today it's referred to as "He jizzed in his pants" Any "M" rated FanFic will contain Lemons.

  50. Oh woweee, thanks for the Expectations and other moving pieces rec, JJ. I've just read the whole thing in one sitting. You know a story is fucking good if you're 17 chapters in with no lemons in sight and you're not going 'yeah yeah yeah, but when are they just gonna DO it?'. OMG i'm actually reading for plot, not porn! anyway, thanks, and thanks too for continuing to brighten the days of chix all round the world.

    love from australia,

  51. This is sooo the best place to get ff-recs - adding to my list right now. I've been wondering though: lot of my fave stories include dirty edward and innocent Bella - but where are the stories that go the other way around? I can totally imagine dirty and experienced Bella teaching young innocent Edward a thing or two about how to treat a lady...

  52. I creep you girls everyday, but never felt the need to leave a comment till today- I am absolutely in love with the first story you linked, it's amazing! I blew through the first 17 chapters, it was so different from most fan fiction.
    And the Frosty one- hot.

  53. @Donna14 - Thank you! Guess I need to go to Urban Dictionary more.

    Just reading Alphabet Weekends and it rockin my fucking world.


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