Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Gas-X, Eclipse and Some Videos...

Hello lllllllaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaadies, Sicky McSnotface here and I've got a proclamation.

I've missed you. Truly.

I have finally emerged from under my mountain of used tissues and self-pity to officially rejoin not only real life (grudgingly) but Twitardia (yay!!!!). I'm not quite sure which plague I contracted but it kicked my ass enough that I actually took over-the-counter medicine, which is something I usually don't do and not because I'm organic and healthy, either. It's because I'm irrational and totally paranoid. I'm convinced that I'm going to have some adverse reaction to say, Tylenol, and my skin is going to fall off in sheets or I'll end up pooping out my liver or something so I usually just suck it up and deal with whatever it is that's putting a damper on my life.

Not this time, though. Yesterday morning I shuffled my pathetic ass to the medicine cabinet, grabbed the box of Alka-Seltzer Cold & Sinus, read the directions carefully, including possible side effects (I was convinced I had all of them immediately) and dutifully took them the entire day. Annnnnd nothing. It was only this morning when I shook the packet of pills out of the box that I realized why.

They weren't Alka-Seltzer Cold & Sinus. They were Gas-X.

Extra Strength Gas-fucking-X. I guess that explains why I was less farty than usual yesterday.

This was NOT me yesterday... but probably because my insides are dying slowly.

Apparently some ass-wipe put the wrong pills in the box. I'd look up the side effects of overdosing on Gas-X but the last time I went to Web MD to diagnose an ingrown hair I was convinced I had herpes, cancer and some rare genetic disease all at the same time and that I was going to die right-fucking-now and I flipped the fuck out and ML had to physically stop me from scrawling my Last Will & Testament on the back of a receipt but then I smoked a few cigarettes and finally calmed down. But if my fucking intestines get all hard and I have to walk around with a colostomy bag** I can tell you right now I'm dumping that thing out in inappropriate places.

Creating hypochondriacs one click at a time...

Anyway, because I was a non-farty-but-total-sneezy-hacky mess yesterday I didn't go to work. Instead, I felt sorry for myself and surfed around looking for some videos.

First the funny. It's a little dorky but there are some really funny parts, especially the end but it's definitely worth watching for the laughs.

I also discovered this little gem via TwilightBlog. I am always so fucking impressed that people can make these videos. I think it took me about 3 hours to edit our 4 second clip to ReelzChannel and I nearly broke the Mac in my frustration. So, kudos to everyone who makes all the awesome videos we post here.

Not to beat a dead horse but dammit I wish they had kept Rachelle Lefevre. She was such an awesome badass Victoria. Plus, I want that outfit she wore in the chase scene in New Moon. Except that I would probably look like a homeless Munchkin rather than a hot vampire if I was wearing it.

I was going to continue into my foray of Eclipse videos when I found this next one and holy shit is this good. It's Lykke Li's Possibility set against a short movie. Very simple, very poignant and totally touched that soft spot in my heart that doesn't get touched very much, mainly because I'm an asshole.

Normally, Snarkier Than You handles the videos around here, mainly because my general attention span caps off at about fifty seconds but I hope I did ya all proud. STY's off celebrating something called an 'Anniversary', whatever that is (ML and I are the two least romantic people EVER. We've been together for over four years and it only recently occurred to us that we don't celebrate shit like this) so y'all stuck with my cranky ass tonight.

And on that note - I think I'm going to threaten cajole ML to watch Twilight with me. Again. Might as well milk the sick card for all it's worth...

** NEVER Google image search this. Especially not while you're eating dinner. You've been warned.


  1. WebMD is the friggin' devil or the fact that I rely on it too much, that's why I'm always think I'm dying. I glad to read you are feeling a bit better.

  2. Happy you're feeling better! (And less gassy - I'm going to have to check out gas-x for myself... tmi?) NEVER go to WebMD if you think you have something. I was feeling tired for awhile last fall and looked it up. Now I have Lupuus, Fibromyalgia, Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, and about four types of cancer. At least, I'm convinced I do. WebMD is the devil.

  3. My boss had a colostomy bag, and although in my head i know it is not funny at all she makes a joke out of it.

    Any way... I TOTALLY feel the same way with over the counter medicines. My husband says i'm crazy, which i guess is at least partially true... but now i have proof that i'm at least not alone. But instead of skin falling off i'm pretty much positive that i will die of a heart attack or stroke, at the least cool moment ever... like when i am scratching or sneezing and then i will be frozen in that strange position forever. And then everyone will be like, oh how'd she die? and the answer would have to be "well she took an ibprofen cause of the fever, and then she sneezed, see the way she sort of resembles Babe, the pig, not the baseball player?" And that would just be embarrassing.

  4. I can not believe you downed GasX like that! I'm sure AlkaSelser is nasty, but wasn't the Gas X abnormally disgusting?! That's so funny - plus why do you even have gasx - I was under the impression you like to toot! :)
    And I agree about WebMD and think it should taken down, there's no sense in scaring people like that.
    Ummm I think my verify word (studde) knows what I'm SUPPOSED to be doing before class tomorrow -it's trying to give me subtle hints I think - well eff off word verification, I'm not doing it!

  5. I'm still laughing about the first video saying that they had to find a way to sell the game to 13yo girls and middle-aged women!

    I think I'm going to boycot all sneak-peeks and trailers for Eclipse. By the time I went to the theater for New Moon, it was a bit of a let-down as I felt I had seen most of it already.

    It didn't feel as special as Twilight


  6. Evil webmd. I too have been sick. My kid, my Dad and my whole house has been sick.
    I called in to work dead yesterday thinking I could take some time to recoup and that didn't work.
    I got everyone in bed last nite and tried to pull myself out of my pile of kleenex by reading some of my fav XXXrated fanfic. That didn't work. Still had the female equivilant of a dead dick. Would call the dr. and explain that even Domward and Tattward can't get me well but I am sure she would have me committed and then how would I score my drugs (eerr fanfiction) from psych ward...hey wait, isn't that a fanfic 'ward'?.... must be feeling better...able to tie my thoughts back to Twilight..
    Watch the movie JJ. Twilight cures!

  7. JJ thanx for making me cry tears of laughter....again. I just got over the heinousfuckinglifesuck that you are currently suffering from, so i sympathize. It will end. Promise. :)
    I have never been to WebMD for the simple fact that all I hear about it is that it is like the monkey of medical advice. And it's El Diablo...
    Oh yeah, I almost forgot...
    Happy Fucking Anniversary To The Snarky's!!!


  8. WTF is up with the hand at 1:10? Totally Smurf-ward. Freakin' love it.

  9. Leave webmd for the oldies, check out au naturale remedies and feel better. The video gave me some much needed chuckles. How about an Energy Vampire protector thingamajiggy to keep them from stealing your positive energy, I could conjure one up for you.

  10. ow ow ow - I am in pain and I can't breathe and NO I didn't take tons of Gas X. I am laughing at JJs tale of taking Gas X. Holy (I want to say Crap here but that seems mean) Moly that was a hilarious post!!

    Thank you for the best laugh since... ummm 2 days ago after reading Cullenary Curser's post on the Twilight etsy stuff

    I also loved the "homeless Munchkin"
    as I just finished watching Millionaire Matchmaker (yes, I watch this sometimes) and she called the one guy "an angry Hobbit" - too freaking funny.

    Feel better soon!

  11. Happy Anniversary Mr. and Mrs. Snarky!

  12. Why the fuck did I just waste 10 minutes googling colostomy bag?? Thank you, JJ... Muah!

    WV - grachlo -- Breardy Rob is grachlo...

  13. Welcome back JJ & so glad you're feeling better!

  14. I think we are all on some crazy Twilight wavelength sometimes... I've been feeling really sick (and tired) and took off work today too. I looked at Web MD yesterday and was convinced I must be dying. When I read this entry today I laughed so hard it really made me feel better. I really needed that. Thank you!

  15. Oh you poor thing. Please excuse the fact that I'm laughing my ass off at you. A common mistake really, could have happened to anyone. I feel the same way about over the counter meds. I can only imagine the dismay you felt at having mustered up the courage to use them and than discovering yourself to feel no better, but less flatulent. Hope you feel better soon and are back to your normal gas production lickity split.

  16. Oh JJ! You fucking kill me. Gas-x! BAHAHAHA! Good job. The ozone layer thanks you. Feel better!

    My final placement as a student nurse was on a GI floor. I don't need google.

  17. If I wasn't such an staunch skeptic I would probably have believed WebMD and all of the erroneous shit they produce in the search...AND sometimes the "which body part" option isn't really specific enough am I right? Not my brain, my freaking eyebrow- No damn it I do not have retinal fungi! It was a cat hair. Whew!

    I know this is probably not the right post to send a shout out on this subject- but, I'm doin' it. Since becoming a Twitart here on Twitarded, I have skipped over the info on Fanfiction (saying "whatever) assuming it would pan out hastily written f-me-not's and silly stories written by 15 year old girls. I also wondered why some people seemed to think that Twilight has made their sex life better? What up with that?! I no longer ponder these amazing questions. I am in on the jig. I have found some AMAZING fanfic's this week. How does any get anything done reading these? How do your husbands get anything done?

    I have this recommendation- it is a Bella/Carlisle story w/ a possible surprise Edward. The editing is a bit off but the story has more twists and turns than the Guggenheim:


    A big thank you JJ & STY!

  18. Um, at least u could swallow the gas x whole...unlike that fucknasty shit they call "Citrus" flavor...that shit was horrid! I'm blanking on the name. We talked about it on Twitter. That crap is like sipping on poop & orange peel flavored tea.
    PS that "possibility" song gets me every time...no holding back the water works with that one.
    Beg Wet smooches!

  19. Thanks for the ab work-out Jenny! Holy shit Gas-X? That is too freaking funny. I see Gas-X care packages in your future.

    The Modern Warfare vid was pretty funny. I especially liked the cut to the army dude reading Eclipse. Ha!

    I LOOOVVVEEED the Likke Li vid. Very creative. I totally would have been doing shit like that all the time when I was a teen if I had the technology available today. The little fuckers today have everything dammit....except a freaking job! Wow, I am bitter today. Best go cool down with some smutty fanfic.

  20. "Extra Strength Gas-fucking-X. I guess that explains why I was less farty than usual yesterday."
    Ooh this is why I love Twitarded.... Hope you're feeling better today!!!
    Soooo can't read WebMD... scares me!

    Had a first today in like 14 moths or so, today was the first day I didn't a single ff update! I need my daily fix of FFward!

    VW "moles" I kinda.very.much.so.want.to.lick robward's neck moles. tmi?

  21. evidently once when i was little i thought ex-lax was chocolate and climbed on the toilet and ate like a whole box.

    i think it traumatized my parents. thank GOD i don't remember it.

    this post completely solidified my <3 for you, jj. you are freaking hilarious.

    my w/v is 'dingsta'. i can't think of anything funny but i like how it sounds.

  22. Webmd does make me very paranoid :(
    I really liked the first 2 videos...the third one creeped me out a bit. "You mean Edward rips the baby out of Bellas uterus and no one does anything" so fucking hilarious!

  23. OMFG, I never laughed so hard to a blog post, like ever. Freaking hilarious. You were lucky. Imagine someone put laxative pills instead. You would've been screwed.

    And, that story about webmd - I could totally related - after I stopped snorting while laughing my ass off, of course.

    I love that Possibility song, and the video was very nice.

  24. I think Mr. Latchkey and I could definitely give you guys a run for title of "least romantic"!! LOL!

    Nice one! I swore off cold medicine a couple years ago after I was positive I was having a stroke after taking Mucinex.

  25. Haha love it, I'm the opposite, I take everything going and lots of it, give me drugs, make me better. It comes in XL form? great! bigger the better as they say. Amazingly I'm still alive even though I regularly take more pain killers than I'm supposed to but thats cos they don't work anymore but what the hell it makes me feel better in my head, I think.

    Anyhoo, to my point, I work for a GP so I see my share of hypochondriacs on a daily basis so just for the helluvit I brought a book in to put on the used books sales stand in the waiting area (cruel grin) it was a readers digest one that my mother had bought me once (go figure readers digest at 20 something, why would I want it, at 20 something I was trying to get liver disease real bad)Well the book was snapped up within 10 seconds, it was a self help medical manual bwahahaha, gave the fuckers something to think about didn't it!!!

  26. Aw shit. You are totally going to get my pretending-to-be-working ass fired. I am sitting here reading your post gaging so that I don't laugh and snort out loud. And thanks for the warning about colostomy bag google searches, though silly me, I did it anyway...

  27. Oh my shit. I loved the Modern Warfare vid.

  28. Now wait a minute...you took Gas-X and it made you NOT fart??? Maybe you better check the box again.

    That shit turns my tooter on even faster than Tums.

    Okay, I need to go back to anxiously awaiting the Mac Book or whatever reveal. I am so not geeky like that but I am super exicted for a new, even better way to read fan fic on the go.

    Can I hear an Amen, sista???

  29. LOL!---only you JJ!!!

    Fantastic Eclipse video! Thank you! I will miss RL too--she is lucky though--She completely rose above the wardrobe, contacts, and wig blunders the rest suffered. I thought her hair was TO DIE FOR in New Moon!

    "My Life to Be" updated this am!(same author as Art after 5) I can hear the lemons rolling out soon!

  30. I love that song, except it sounds like she says 'There's blood in my pee, I'll follow your lead'. I know thats not it, but once I heard it, I hear it every time I listen to it.

  31. Mr TM normally rules the remote in our house. Twice in the last week he decided to watch Twilight. Plus he is reading Breaking Dawn. Must be the best hubby ever. My only giggle is when he asked if Breaking Dawn was the third book.

    Glad you are feeling better.

  32. twi-obsessionwillbethecauseofmydivorceJanuary 27, 2010 at 3:59 PM

    Ahh jeez I'm fucking dying here with the Gas X and the Modern Warfare 2 trailer..ha ha ha!! Modern Warfare is my DH's fucking addiction and Twilight is most obviously mine.

    I've def. done the Web MD I think I'm dying thing too. You're not alone. I've also learned that you never, ever, ever tell your doctor that you looked up your symptoms on the Internet because they will swiftly write you off as a hypochondriac.

    The fanfic I've been reading lately I have to suggest to you all is Twice as Long as Yesterday by Hopeful Wager. Lord Cullen and peasant Bella sound good to anyone? It's is fuckhawt you'll all have to read it if you haven't already.

    @ drgnflygrl HA! Blood in my pee...you've totally ruined that song for me now. LOL

  33. That is some funny shizz. @ Christy: I too ate a whole box of exlax when I was 3 years old. It looked like chocolate! I had to go to the hospital to get my stomach pumped after eating the exlax and that is my earliest memory. Fun times!

    Loved the vids too!

  34. My Web MD experience after having some tummy troubles went something like this....
    my husband..."well, what have you got?"
    me...."well, according to my symptoms, I either have gas or stomach cancer". Helpful???? I THINK NOT!
    And the Modern Warfare video was fucking hysterical - I loved it when they called Edward a total duche - one of my favorite all time insults.
    wv - dicas - "I want to suck Rob's dicas"...awww yeah!

  35. Ok...how the fuck do you spell douche? duche? doosch? Hmmm....I know that's not right, but I like dooooosh!

  36. Epic.
    I laughed my face off reading this post. You never fail to make me laugh like a complete asshole, all loud and snorty, when everyone else is all quiet and dignified.

  37. Is there something wrong with me that I can't stop watching that modern warfare trailer?

    I can't talk right now. I'm at war! *grins*

  38. @Twi-Obb- Thank you for the Fanfic suggestion. It's a jungle on that site. My ADHD only allows me about fifteen seconds of searching, a bit of perusing, and then some "Arggh!" when I come across one that's lame.
    I have also been reading: A Picture of Dorian Gray by CorvidCoccinelle. I would put the link but I would rate it NC-17....I should really be studying and cranking out articles for classes but...


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