Sunday, January 10, 2010

Male Strippers, a Van & Twitarded has a Play Date

I am not in the picture. I can't believe I feel the need to clarify that but... I'm not. I would never wear pointy shoes or no pants. My feet are chubby... and so is my ass.

This post will have something to do with Twilight, promise. I feel compelled to share last night's bizarreness with all of you first. I didn't accidentally stumble upon Robert Pattinson, Kristen Stewart, and the Brit Pack playing naked Twister and it doesn't involve poop [I know, I am surprised, too], but bear with me.

Last night ML had a show in the city and I tagged along. We hitched a ride in the band van, which is a dark blue utility van with no windows, no seats and no heat. I figured I'd be okay as long as I was wearing my sleeping bag [a.k.a. the world's biggest down puffer-coat] but I brought a blanket anyway, just in case. It didn't help - I was obscenely cold.

Anyway, there was a male review next door to the bar that ML's band was playing in and there were these skanky, scantily clad women who all must have had some kind of mental deficiency since they were standing on line wearing nothing but their whore-y clothes. In like 20 degree weather. It reminded me of a TFLN I read the other day -

(812): i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.

Then again, these women were so ragingly drunk they probably didn't even realize how nippy it was outside (do fake boobs get nippy?). This was confirmed when one of them took a tumble and was lying there, on the sidewalk, laughing and bleeding. One of ML's bandmates reached out to give her a hand up, to which she slurred, "I don't need your help, I'm an independent woman, I'm an independent woman." Then she started singing Beyonce [I only knew this because her friends started chanting Beyonce. I thought she was speaking in tongues] and kind of rolled over onto her back with her legs sticking up, showing us just how liberated she really was. Have you ever seen a beetle stuck on it's back? Yeah, it was like that. But with a vagina. To borrow a phrase from our friends over at Letters to Twilight, I was heavily second-hand embarrassed for her. I fled to the van before they realized I wasn't laughing with them, but at them.

I was recounting the Tale of the Fallen Hooker-Girl to the guys in the van when suddenly the front door swung open and a different trampy girl proceeds to climb in. Didn't anyone ever tell these chicks that they should avoid windowless panel vans? I mean, who does that?? Obviously Bella isn't the only one who is lacking a sense of self preservation. This chick's skirt was short. REALLY short. It was so short that I saw the built-in panties of her pantyhose, let's put it that way. Anyway, we're all sitting on the floor, bundled up in blankets and staring at her speechless as she proceeds to gives her address to the guy driving the van until suddenly one of her friends appears and unceremoniously drags her away. And then we nearly shit ourselves laughing.

Hey girls, let's get in this taxi! They even give complimentary candy. Yaaaaay!!!

In the end, I realized a few things from this experience:

1) Why the fuck are you going to get all tricked out to go see male strippers? This is probably the one instance where you can look like a total slob and still get some oily, juiced-up dude to grind his nutsack on your nose. You could show up in sweatpants and a Tweety-bird t-shirt and they will still act like you're the hottest thing since Robert Pattinson [as long as your waving a wad of dollar bills] so why waste the time and energy getting all purty? I mean, you don't see dudes showing up to strip clubs in three piece suits. They understand that the strippers just want their money so they show up in their grubby-ass work clothes. No frills.

Yeah, lady, you're real hot. You'd be even hotter if these singles were fifties.

2) There is nothing more pathetic and sad than a chick all hookered up, drunk as shit with bleeding knees and ripped stockings. And that goes for Courtney Love, too. I honestly felt bad for the girl and it's pretty difficult for me to muster empathy. Listen, I've fallen down before or woke up the next day with UDIs** on my body. But I am glad I don't dress like that - drunk and bleeding is easier to pull off when you have a pair of Docs on. Just sayin'.

Anyhoo, while I was mulling over my new-found realizations and slowly succumbing to hypothermia, Snarkier Than You was nice and toasty in her house, entertaining guests. One of these guests was her new recent convert to the Twilight saga, Myg (See! I told you I would get to the Twilight stuff!).

Apparently, Myg admitted to STY that she had not yet seen New Moon (and she had just finished the book! for the first time! I'm totally jealous...) and STY, in her typical fashion, assumed the super-hero stance and declared, "Well! We'll just have to do something about that!!"

And um, so we did. [Wow. Holy Anticlimactic Moment, Batman]

We met Myg at 3:00 at the local AMC for her virgin screening of New Moon. I felt like the slutty girl with the blue eyeshadow who was teaching her friend how to french kiss or something, since STY and I were both on our fourth round. We squished Myg between us, which could have gone either way. I mean, STY and I could have spent the entire movie whispering spoilers into her ear like three seconds before they actually happened, or leaned over her and whispered sweet nothings to each other. Instead, the only thing she was forced to relay from STY to me was one word, "Bumpit." I still say whoever decided it was a good idea to give Angela a fucking Bumpit hairstyle in the cafeteria scene should be punished. Hard.

Pissssssses me off... why would you want to look like a conehead?

I have to tell you, Myg is awesome. She was totally fine that I cackled my way through certain parts of the movie, since she was chuckling herself. She didn't even threaten me with injury when I sighed longingly every time the Precious came on screen (mostly because she was doing the same thing and probably didn't hear me).

When the lights came back on, Myg looked at us and said, "I need to come back here at 9:30." Or, at least that's what I think she said. Not sure if she meant tonight or tomorrow but... it doesn't matter. It just means the poor bastid is hooked on that Twilight saga.

Oh yeah, someone's got it bad. Real bad. Welp, welcome to the family, Myg. I hope you like it here in Twitardia. The shenanigans are frequent and we're quite possibly totally fucking looped but it's worth it. It's like falling through the rabbit hole but instead of the Mad Hatter, a stoned-out-of-his-gourd- caterpillar and a fucking Queen with a serious case of PMS, you have sparkly vampires, twitchy heroines and a lot of cursing. You don't mind discussing poop, do you?

**Unidentified Drinking Injury

51 comments:

  1. UDI...not to be confused with UTI...that would be what the skanks have to deal with other than silicone popsicles. Your playdate sounded lovely. I wish I could convert a NM weer-gin to see it with me for the 5th time. Alas, I'll probably go by myself like I did for round 3. Excellent seat but I had to piss like a race horse throughout the entire movie. Another great post, JJ. Thanks for oversharing. Love it as always.

    @purpleg8r

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  2. I always called them UPIs (drinking = parting). As in "Oops! Look at that UPI!) And good lord I had lots of them. Emphasis on the had.

    Welcome Myg to Twitardia! We're nuts - but a friendly lot! :)

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  3. Holy effing shit! That is one hell of a story. Thank you for sharing. Though I can't express how entirely frustrated I am that I was out thurs and saturday nights, and you made it further with a chick than I did...LOL!

    But at least I learned something. Note to self - Must buy van.

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  4. Fuck. My so called chums have been *stealing* pics from my FB page again. I mean, earlier on in the evening, I was getting a lot of compliments about my brown boots and matching brown dress.

    x

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  5. so where did that first pic come from? Is it someone you know? If not - wtf did you google to find that? wasted hoes on drunk on floor? Oh JJ - I love it when you sneak a poop ref in any blog - even if it's a tease - what a stinker ! LOL.. Haven't been checking out blogs much reading fic and twitter!

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  6. The Free candy van is Hysterical!

    Welcome Myg, Twitarded is a most Awesome place!!!!

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  7. The first pic is priceless. Dear god, please don't let that be someone I know.

    I have converted two friends. Got to bust their cherries with Twilight and NM, separately. Being a Twi-crack whore is awesome, I just keep going back to the corner for more. Best part of the conversion? I have seen NM seven fucking times.

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  8. Taking over the world...one Twitarded at a time.

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  9. Ahhhhh! Another one drinks the sparkly kool-aid! Welcome, Myg!

    One of my coworkers read all 4 books for the first time over Christmas. She saw Twilight at her friend's house before she saw New Moon on Saturday...

    I've already sent her Midnight Sun and will be giving her her first FanFic this week (probably start her off slow with Dark Side of the Moon....)

    I'll be introducing her to you guys soon.......

    As for the stripclub ho's....we get them here too. I always want to tell them, "Blue and goosepimply is not a good look, ladies....especially if you get a Brazilian."

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  10. @JJ - I saw you tweet that you were at New Moon, and I was so jealous. Now I'm even more jealous knowing you got to go with a NM virgin. And, holy hell, that story about the hooker girls falling down and getting in to ML's van is sadly funny!

    @CF4LIFE & CAZZA - LMFAO at your comments!

    @Violette - I hear ya. I couldn't find anyone to go with me this weekend. I'm going to have to start going by myself. I've seen it 7 times like CullenLover07, but want to get back a couple more times before they yank it out of the theater. And before everyone gets riled up, I get to go for free (neighbor's son is a manager at the theater, yada, yada).

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  11. Someone is having waaayyy to much fun,you should see the male strippers in Texas, Some never wax and wear their cowboy boots while stripping down!

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  12. I wish I had the power to sterilize people. That is all.

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  13. tina pattinson-cullenJanuary 10, 2010 at 11:44 PM

    OMFG, sad to say but i pics like this from back in the day!!!!!! i love u guys, and i just noticed that u call robward ur precious, thats what my son calls him to me!!!!! and yes he is, and love the twilight crack whore comment from another coment, that is soooo fucking me, i have to get my fix everyday!!!!!!!! reading books for 3rd time, watched twilight last night again,its perm in my disc drive, and taking a nm virgin to see it this week,my 5th but whos counting!!!!!! u guys fucking rock, sooooo glad i found u!!!!!!

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  14. Oh drunk skanks they are always good for a laugh. Although I do LOVE male strip clubs ;) Welcome to Twitardia Myg! I went to see New Moon for the 3rd time last week. I rationalized it by saying that since I saw Twilight in the theater 3 times I HAD to see New Moon 3 times. Can't wait for the dvd! Love you JJ and STY All hail Twitardia!

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  15. As Mr. VitR constantly says "Just remember that 49.9%of the populations is below average intelligence."

    The "Free Candy" van is freaking hysterical....we always refer to them as Raper Vans--I know not very PC but I can't help that they creep me out.

    I might have one more viewing of New Moon in me before it leaves the theaters...I have gone 5 times to date. I am really starting to get excited for Remember Me. Even if it sucks at least we get to look at The Precious for two hours looking just like himself. OK, I must go grab a paper towel now to wipe up my drool...or is that whiskey?

    @JJ--I have to admit that I thought, at first glance, that photo might be of you....but quickly realized it was not.

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  16. Perhaps they get all dressed up for the smexy male dancers hoping to make a 'love connection' thereby enjoying the goods for free. You know, who doesn't want lap dances and venereal diseases in the privacy of their own homes?

    Welcome to the madhouse, Myg. I'll now say a small prayer for you:)

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  17. Welcome Myg!!!!!

    The frickin' stripper shit was hilarious. I was humped by a stripper once and when he got off me, my entire shirt was WIDE open. Apparently oiled abs work like hands on satin shirts. SO...I showed everyone my bra. Those strippers are magicians.

    UDI---LMAO!!!

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  18. Shit. I've never been drunk enough for a UDI. In my pre-childrent drinking times, I'd just get drunk & screw. Sometimes didn't even bother with the drinking part. One more reason I live vicariously thru Twitarded.

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  19. Oh I LURVE drunk chick watching. It's the best. We get some real doozies around here right around Mardi Gras...At some point they stop acting all coy and shy about flashing and instead walk around with their shirts lifted up slurring and hanging on every guy with beads.

    Our favorite thing to do is when guys lift their slutty girlfriends up in the air to pimp them out for beads we CHUCK them at high rates of speed balled up like a tight wad of rocks. Quite entertaining. Do we get extra points if they get knocked onto the pavement?

    OOOO UDI's...I can't say that I've ever been bleeding but bruises for shizzy.

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  20. LMAO@TexasKatherine. i really want that for my superpower. i would be so happy being able to stop stupid people from breeding.

    and i've never had an UDI-- unfotuantely i can always remember what i did.

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  21. Ya, what TK said.

    I've never dressed like a whore, even though I play one on TV.

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  22. I'm not sure whether I would be able to refrain from laughing my ass off if I went to a male strip club. I mean seriously, those panties these dudes wear are seriously panty wetting, and not in a good way.

    @VitaminR - LoL at your hubtard's comment about people's intelligence.

    Anyhoo, I must say JJ and STY, I'm disappointed at myself for not being there when you bitches took the TwiBite challenge, especially after I discovered that I was your favourite follower (probably). If you come to my blog the day after tomorrow you will know why, because a very small number indicates the degree of separation between myself and the Precious.

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  23. P.S. I'm not luring you to come to my blog as some kind of promotional ploy, it's just that I'm too lazy to type everything twice, and if I do it here, then I'll be out of material for the blog. Yeah, that's it. ;D

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  24. You mean you've only seen New Moon four times!!! Shit, I saw it five times in the first weekend it was released, including coming out of one showing and going straight back into the next. And I cried every frickin time. Yeah, I know, I'm completely retarded. Do I give a shit? Hell, no. I'm just happy in my total TOTAL twitardedness.

    There is no shame in being a 35 year old female, in the back row of the cinema on your own of an afternoon, trying to stop yourself from running to the front and licking the screen every time Edward appears, whilst sobbing because you don't want him to leave thereby throwing Bella to the mercy of the skanky dog (even if he does have fuckhawt abs). No shame whatsoever. Or is that just me who has no shame.....hmm.

    Felt kinda sorry for that lovely *coughugly* lady who has that stripper jammed up against her. Sure, she looks happy, but I swear that if any bloke shoved his syphillis encrusted penis in my face like that, I would stab him with a screwdriver many, many times. Just sayin, ya know? Not everyone wants a piece of you and your gonorrhea infested thong.

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  25. Ah, Saturday nights in the city. Not sure what part of town you were in, JJ but it's vaguely reminiscent of earlier adventures of my own, tramp watching in between load in and load out from the back of one dive or another on the lower east side. No doubt those broads were from Jersey, too. Dumbasses.

    Thanks to all for the warm welcome. I'm having a total blast. And yes, I WILL find a way back for a second showing before it's out of the theater. Being a mom to 1 year old twins, this may mean an extended lunch break from the office.

    Mr. Myg has now discovered that Kstew is starring as Joan Jett in the Runaways and is all "I HAVE TO SEE THIS IN THE THEATER." Probably for multiple watches, so I'll have]]\=\
    =]


    And that last comment is from my son. Gotta sign off!

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  26. Love living vicariously through MYG as she reads through the saga. Can't wait to hear her reaction to Breaking Dawn. I love this blog and all its twitardia!

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  27. Oh so you DO have access to a windowless rapist van!.......hm.........evil plot is formulating involving (mandatory) attendance by the precious to Twitard-Con 2010........

    Welcome Myg, pass the Sparkly Koolaid.

    I've seen New Moon 4 times. Once, got in a fight with hubtard, walked out of the movie we were in, gravitated toward the one thing that would make me feel better, ended up watching New Moon all by myself (that was a first). Then made hubtard watch the second showing with me to make up for being such and ass and making me walk out on him. (heehee)

    Fkat

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  28. @F-Kat We need to get ahold of one of those vans for our next bookclub meeting. We can test it out before Twitard-Con. Can we drive to Budapest?

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  29. I have to admit that I am jealous of newbie Myg! I wish I was reading again for the first time and not up to "so many readings that I lost track a long time ago" - lol! But even the subsequent reads are fun - but nothing beats The First Time! : )

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  30. hahahahahaha

    Beetle on back.

    Beetles don't have vaginas? Who knew?

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  31. *snickering* Unidentified Drinking Injury. I love it! I learn new shit from you every day. Your like my online class at Twitarded University. Thanks for the laugh.

    Veri Word: Pronons SEEE! Like Pronouns! Because your a fucking professor of all shit hilarious!

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  32. I swore that I wasn't going to sign on here while at work today. I swore. That is what I get for swearing apparently. Laughing like crazy again of course.

    Thank goodness it wasn't anyone we know in that first picture, oh my.

    @CF4LIFE & CAZZA - Hilarious comments!

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  33. Seeing as I am the unofficial den mother to some of you (at least when age comes into it), I must write that I feel very sorry for those women.
    My generation had to fight tooth and nail to get recognition for ourselves in the workplace and I resent what some women still do to themselves. It only makes it harder for women who want to be taken seriously. There are more than enough men who think women are bimbos and the behavior of this type of women only enforces that. Dont get me wrong, having a good time is one thing, passing out on a public street with your dress around your ears is something else.

    Enyhoo...welcome MYG...You have no idea what you have let yourself in for.

    When I read JJ's article, at first glance, I could not understand why the IUD was "on"(major ouch) the body and not "in" the body...time to update my glasses.

    Speaking of strippers, when I turned 30, DH got me a stripper and threw me a surprise party. Let me tell you ladies,your husbands idea of drop dead gorgeous and yours is without a doubt VERY different.My stripper was neither gorgeous nor could he dance...it still gives me shivers( and not in the good way). If you can imagine slightly pudgy, deathly white, and using what appeared to be a speedo thong...

    I will leave you with that horrific image...

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  34. When I read Bumpits, I pronounce it in my head....bum-pits.

    That was random.

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  35. @Jaima LOL at your birthday stripper. Somehow I feel it was a devious plot by your DH to make you see that the grass was plenty green on your side.

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  36. There's always one drunk beast that has to ruin it for everyone else. Of course it always has to be the one not wearing any underpants. Here's my take...you are only aloud to go SANS panties IF your trout does not hang close to your knees or smells like a greasy pork sandwich sitting in a dirty ashtray (Guess what movie is that from! lol)...even then, I still don't want to see your fluff trap bitch!!!

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  37. @tsharee - I KNOW I KNOW! It was Weird Science

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  38. ATTN:Z Any Mouse. You must know my husband, that is EXACTLY what he would do!!! LOL

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  39. My bridesmaids (and my mother) got me a trip to a male strip club for my bachelorette party. Clearly I was not drunk enough for that... cause it was just plain creepy.
    Even creepier was when they paid for the "backroom." Needless to say it was a night I couldn't forget, even if I wanted to.

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  40. Why the fuck are you going to get all tricked out to go see male strippers? This is probably the one instance where you can look like a total slob and still get some oily, juiced-up dude to grind his nutsack on your nose.

    this has got to be the funniest thing ever!!!!
    Why do male strippers think we like that? I mean, balls in the face is just something we begrudgingly deal with. No fun bud!

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  41. Holy Shites! My sister and I read this together, laughing until the tears got in the way and beyond. I think I lost one of my contacts. This is WHY I read Twitarded...for kicks and laughter.

    p.s. I also veer away from pointy shoes and going pant less.

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  42. @mrsmoo17-my sentiments exactly.

    I got so much shit from my fam and friends--when I told them I started my NY's Eve celebration with an 8pm showing of NM. They asked how I could you go see a movie on NY's eve that I had already seen twice and it is NY's eve? (And yeah I wanted to stay for the 11 pm showing that night but had to get home to the babysitter.)

    I told them I was doing what would make ME happy, damn it! The theater was quiet. It was nice (no teenagers yelling stuff like the first night) There was a guy in the theater that laughed at more stuff than I did! I finally got to hear all of Edward's mumblings and strategically planned out each part I would be pausing at when the DVD comes out. I was happy! Hubby was happy later!

    Oh and I looked for CW's hidden wolves...I really don't know how he expected us to see any past the abs.

    Myg--Expand your babysitter list! You are about to need a lot of YOU time (or YOU and Edward time)!

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  43. @mrsmoo17 - from one 35ish to another, bless you for your comment.

    I am so sick of people trying to shame me for being a Robsessed Twi-hard. Fuck them. Hard.

    I feel all soft, wet and welcome in Twitardia...and that's the way The Precious makes me feel all the damn time, too. =)

    Can the van come to Chicago???

    As I am a newborn here at Twitarded myself, welcome Myg!

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  44. DAYUM! How did you bitches get that pic of me & my mom passed out. Shit - I thought I burned that.

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  45. Hmmm, yeah I'm pretty sure if those women saw that pic of themselves, they would NEVER drink again! lol...I have to be honest though & admit that in younger years, I may or may not have had a few UDI's...so I won't say anymore on that subject! (Don't want to incriminate myself anymore than I already have...) I drank the "sparkly kool-aid" a long time ago, November 08 to be exact & have had the pleasure of popping the cherry of at least 5 women. I don't think one of them is as obsessed as me, unless they're just very good at hiding it. One of them hasn't even seen New Moon yet!...*can't imagine*...Speaking of NM, it's already off my local theater (or I would have dragged that one to see it already...)

    @MrsP~~My wv: I have a name for that stripper oil that magically opens shirts...my word verif.= hessoil!

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  46. totally fucking hilarious. I LOVE how it's not that you would never be drunk, passed out, on the floor, but simply that you wouldn't be caught dead in those shoes and with no chonies!!!!!

    I fucking love you girls. even DH was laughing his ass off and said "Those girls are hilarious!"

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  47. There's always one drunk beast that has to ruin it for everyone else. Of course it always has to be the one not wearing any underpants. Here's my take...you are only aloud to go SANS panties IF your trout does not hang close to your knees or smells like a greasy pork sandwich sitting in a dirty ashtray (Guess what movie is that from! lol)...even then, I still don't want to see your fluff trap bitch!!!

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  48. @mrsmoo17-my sentiments exactly.

    I got so much shit from my fam and friends--when I told them I started my NY's Eve celebration with an 8pm showing of NM. They asked how I could you go see a movie on NY's eve that I had already seen twice and it is NY's eve? (And yeah I wanted to stay for the 11 pm showing that night but had to get home to the babysitter.)

    I told them I was doing what would make ME happy, damn it! The theater was quiet. It was nice (no teenagers yelling stuff like the first night) There was a guy in the theater that laughed at more stuff than I did! I finally got to hear all of Edward's mumblings and strategically planned out each part I would be pausing at when the DVD comes out. I was happy! Hubby was happy later!

    Oh and I looked for CW's hidden wolves...I really don't know how he expected us to see any past the abs.

    Myg--Expand your babysitter list! You are about to need a lot of YOU time (or YOU and Edward time)!

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