Tuesday, January 12, 2010

New Moon Movie Round 4: Bring on the Poopy Jokes

Take that wolf-boy. I just totally Silent-But-Deadly-ied you. Trying explaining that one to Bella, fucker.

On Sunday, Snarkier Than You, Myg and I went and saw New Moon. It was the fourth time for me (and STY) and each time I go and see it, I always see something new. The first time it was the blaring deformity of Edward's nipple in the, um, most important fucking scene in the movie. It was all I could focus on - I believe I may have even questioned said nipple loudly in the movie theater.

The second time around I noticed the pictures on the walls disappearing during the October-November-December scene and that broke my heart even more. The third time, however, it occurred to me that maybe Mike Newton might want to lay off the doughnuts and beer because he was looking kind of... puffy.

But it was in the fourth viewing round that made me pause. And choke on my Skittles.

This is the closest picture I could find regarding the scene... fml.

Okay, close your eyes and picture this scene. It's the one where Bella and Alice are racing toward Volterra to stop Edward from causing a scene and Alice is all going vision crazy and says that he'll do it at noon. Bella leans forward, grabs the dashboard, scrunches her face up and says in a really desperately pained voice, "Alice, huuuuuuurry."

[Update: Hey thanks to Mrs P. at TwiBite, we now have the pics! You rock, Mrs P!]

Hurry, Alice!!! I'm not sure I'm gonna make it!

Hold it... HOLD IT...

And for a split second I thought she was going to totally shit her pants.

What are you talking about Edward? I didn't hear anything. Smell? What smell? Oh look, there's a skunk over there!? STOP LOOKING AT ME LIKE THAT - I DIDN'T FART!!!

What is it with the constipation faces in these movies? Jasper walks around like he's got a shape-shifter shoved up his ass and Edward looks like he's desperately trying not to have explosive diarrhea every time he kisses Bella. I'm just starting to wonder if there is some kind of underlying theme, like when Jessica made a comment about the zombie movie being a reference to consumerism. But what would that theme be? That we're a bunch of shitheads for liking these movies so much?

What happens when vampires fart.

Or maybe I'm just reading into it too much.

56 comments:

  1. Besides the overall ugliness of most of Alice's outfits, my sister noticed her ballerina flats in Volturra and claimed Alice would never wear those shoes in public because her feet and ankles would shimmer, thus exposing her vampness.

    She also noticed the shit faces and we had a lengthy discussion about vampire farts and how massively gross they would be do to all the blood. Plus you could never sneak one by the assholes if you were dating them because of their heightened sense of smell. And that led to a "does Bella's period blood affect Edward like her vein blood does" conversation.

    Perhaps we need to get a life...

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  2. According to "The List" (I think that was the one), Edward isn't affected by menstrual blood because it's not the same composition as regular blood....

    You can learn sooo much from FanFic...

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  3. I totally noticed her "hurry" I gotta go face the second time I saw it! LOL

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  4. So, Jasper definitely needs to take a dump, and his expression gives him away every time. BUT, for the record here, Edward NEVER farts, or SBD's or has any other nasty anal excretion. NEVER. Thank you.

    Twi-Me?

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  5. "Ok, Kristen, in this scene pretend you have to take the biggest dump of your life and you aren't anywhere near a roll of toilet paper. Action!"

    Beginning to think that was the motivation given to her by the director...

    @To Twicat, I'll have to start reading Fanfic so I can win all the arguments against my sister.

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  6. Ome I am dying. That last pic with jasper...buwahahaha. u girls already know how me and Nabs feel abt constipation faces...pfft

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  7. So this has been bothering me for a while now: the cullens have been in high school with a bunch of teenage girls with bloody discharge for...how long now? Even Edward isn't bothered when Bella is raggin it, because you know she is! How is it that Jasper is able to even walk around the school if he can't even handle it when Bella gives herself a paper cut?! Does vag blood smell differently? Is it not fresh enough?

    Sorry for the rant. It's something that has bothered me for a year and a half now. Also...what about Edwards creeptacular sleep stalking? If I were Bella I'd be afraid that he'd heard me fart while I was counting sheep.

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  8. Didn't you guys post a link to a fanfic about Bella taking the big shit in the Cullen's bathroom? I really loved that fanfic *sigh*

    Anyways, yeah, I've defin. had that face when needing to go BAAAAD. Maybe it's an inside joke to the cast =P

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  9. @RogueTeach--I've had similar discussions with myself. In my head. You and your sister are lucky to have each other.

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  10. Oh the pooh and fart post...always a winner in Twitardia. Maybe all the Kobe Beef Balls that Rob ate at Glowbal in Vancouver were just coming back to haunt him every day on the set. As for Bella...she was overbloated from those ginormous wolf muffins that were the size of a infant child's head. Just a thought.

    FFFOOOOOOOOOOOOOORRRRRRKKKKKKKSSSS!

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  11. JJ - If I get my New Moon DVD and instead of hearing Robert's sexy voice doing commentary, I hear you in my head explaining away each facial expression as flatulence, diarrhea or worse, I will hunt you down for a refund. That is all.

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  12. @ VitR - I had some of those balls....we called them "Rob Balls". LOL!

    What can I say? They were big and meaty and oh so succulant.

    I had two...... ;-)

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  13. Those beef balls are spicey! I couldn't eat them, not with my acid refulx. I did have a nibble of one.

    Jasper always look like he needs to take a big steamy and so does Edward in NM. What is up with this?

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  14. I thought Stephenie Meyer's website at one time had information about menstrual blood being "dead blood" and not the same composition as Bella's blood in her veins so he wasn't affected by it, same as any other female.

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  15. Scene in Volterra right after Bella stops Edward from revealing himself:

    Edward: "Bella! You're alive! Your flatulence is my life now."

    Bella: "Glad to hear it! 'Cos I just crapped my pants on the car ride up here."

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  16. I think the Twilight cast has been taking acting advice from Joey on "Friends" -- he talked about "Smell the Fart Acting". When he had to do a serious scene he would pretend he was smelling a fart. Kind of the same concept except pretending you have to fart (or shit, whatever works).

    I remember an interview with SM where someone asked her the period blood question and her response was simply "Gross". I must agree. I like to pretend in my Twilight world that girls don't have periods. Much simpler that way. You get Edward and no cramps -- who could ask for more?

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  17. OME, @cjstock, I was going to say the same thing about "Smell the Fart" acting! That's exactly what I think happened with this movie! Maybe Chris Weitz is just a really big Friends fan and took Joey's vice a little too literally... Too funny!

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  18. @Catherine, I read that fic and busted up!! It was so fulfilling in a way...apparently we've all benn pondering what it would be like to do our bidness around the sparkly ones.I can't remember the name (something dookie something?) and I would have to go back for the link...maybe JJ can repost it?

    @VitaminR, thank your sweet ass for finally mentioning the gifucknormous muffins...jeeez. Those fuckers would send me to the head *snicker* for a spell.

    @All else wondering about menstrual blood...read 'The List' for fucks sake!!! I was totally *ahem* satisfied by that depiction.

    JJ, to quote one of my fave movies (Chasing Amy) "The big bucks are in dick and fart jokes."

    Nuff sed.

    E

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  19. Top 2 favorite synonyms for poop: meadow muffin and night soil

    The fact that meadow, muffins, night and soil are all themes in the Twilight universe is not lost upon me.

    OKAY. Muffins and soil are more like WORDS than themes but still, the coincidence is kind of eerie don't you think?

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  20. LOL, love the last pic with Jasper, fart flying! If Mr. Any Mouse was a vampire, his head would be permanently stuck to the ceiling. Does anyone have a gas mask?

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  21. Edit of my last comment: I meant to say "lost ON me" not "lost upon me". Needed to be done. (Aww shit! It's 4 o'clock in the goddamned morning and I'm STILL posting!?This Twitard-induced insomnia shit better end soon or I'm gonna actually NEED one of those RPattz strait jackets.)

    @VitaminR- You were right. I CAN'T stop commenting! Fuck.

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  22. Hilarious! Glad to know I'm not the only one who giggles in the movie (my girlfriend & I have been 11 times) and say "Oooh...I have to fart...holding it in!" Could you even IMAGINE if all of us were in the same theater at the same time? PRICELESS!

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  23. JJ-Ever thought of teaching elementary school? My students have the same poop obsession as you and they are easy victims to convert to twitardedness. Just a thought......

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  24. OME JJ! I thought the same thing when I saw Bella's face. It made be think of that bubbling, percolating feeling you get in your stomach right before you are about to blow! Jeez Alice, get Bella to a port-a-potty, STAT!!!! LOL

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  25. Bwaaaahaha! Nothing I love more than a poo-related post. It totally looked like she was going to shit herself in the car!! Now that you mention it! And what's better than the phrase Explosive Diarrhea?? You kill me JJ, kill me!

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  26. Have you noticed the little noise Robward makes when he's kissing Bella by the truck after the birthday party? Makes my va-jay-jay throb when ever I hear it. My ovaries go into overdrive.

    Imagine the noises he'd make if he actually got down and dirty? Holy shit that would be hot.......uh-oh, now I need to go change my underwear.

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  27. The fourth time by best twitarded girl & I went to see NM it was around midnight on a week night. There was no one else in the theater. We were able to do a "poop, fart or constipated" commentary through the entire film.(along with plenty of other vulgar comments only a couple of true twatwaffles could come up with) We just about pissed ourselves with delirium.

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  28. how could we have missed a fic about bella dropping a deuce at chez cullen?! or how could JENNY JERKFACE have missed this fic?! we need links, please!! : )

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  29. Ok, I'm such a nerd that I actually read the personal correspondance with SM over at Twilight Universe a couple of months ago. She adresses this there! About the period: http://www.twilightlexicon.com/2006/03/11/personal-correspondance-2/

    I think I read something about the toilet issue - she said something like the blood they eat kind of fills their veins, and therefor doesn't acually make poo. I can't find that passage, though!

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  30. Sorry, I mean Twilight Lexicon of course, not Twilight Universe!

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  31. I'm at work and really trying to be good, so I haven't read all of the comments yet.

    @JJ - You channeling your inner 12-year-old is one of the reasons I <3 you so much!! You know what I always say, "Growing up is overrated."

    @Mrsmoo17 - Your comment was the last one, so I did read it and I couldn't agree more. I'm ashamed to say how many times I've watched that clip - eyes open, eyes closed - and it makes me curl in on myself every single time. I used it in a blog post (um...more than once) and said that if you listen to it with your eyes closed, Rob's grown and Kristen's gasp so close together sound like, "Oh fuck!" My sentiments exactly ;)

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  32. @Mrsmoo17 - LMAO! grown vs. groan Oops!

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  33. oops my bad - i don't even read the fics that JJ recs, apparently - lol! gah...

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  34. ONLY IN TWITARDIA....would I be surfing Youtube for "smell the fart acting" clips while drinking my morning coffee after reading last night's post.

    Holy hell. Mornin' ladies!

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  35. Like me late pappy used to say and I quote,
    “You think you’re hot shit on a silver platter but you’re nothing but cold diarrhea on a paper plate!”
    Is that poopy enough for ya?! And you should pick up the book, “What's Your Poo is Telling You”, by Anish Sheth, M.D.,& Josh Richman

    I got it for my daughter last xmas cause she wanted it. It funny but true, she keeps it in her bathroom. LOL

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  36. The fact that grown women can talk about poop and farting like we're all 10 years old here in Twitarded Land is hilarious and I LOVE IT! Now I'm picturing the scene in Twilight where James smells Bella in the baseball field, but instead of "You brought a snack," now you add the phrase "Wow, somebody just blew their butt trumpet!"

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  37. Yall are so funny. I am so glad that I am not the only one that thinks of these things. I read a fan fiction that talked about the period thing. He is not attracted to it but he can smell the hormone changed in her body to know when she is. I just missed seeing Edward smile in New Moon. He was way too moody through the entire movie. I hated Alices clothes in the movie. I thought Jasper looked constipated in Twilight too because they did not explain his gift.

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  38. Okay, so which one of you talented video ladies is going to compile a video of 'smell the fart acting' and 'just crapped my pants acting' clips from our two fine movies thus far...

    and more importantly, what will be the music accompaniment????

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  39. @fanficzombie - just for the appropriate title of the song -
    Smells Like Teen Spirit???

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  40. I think JJ should make her own poop and fart themed Rifftrax for New Moon!

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  41. twi-obsessionwillbethecauseofmydivorceJanuary 13, 2010 at 11:58 AM

    You guys Edward isn't affected by Bella's period because she wears 'Vampax' duh! Haven't you seen the ad for it? LOL
    http://www.veryfunnyvideo.net/video/3913/Vampax/

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  42. @twi-obsessionwillbethecauseofmydivorce

    OMG...that was hilarious!!! Vampax..he'll never guess its your bleeding vagina. LMAO!! The link you listed had the post removed, but I tracked it to this:

    http://brahsome.com/2009/12/01/vampax-hell-never-guess-its-your-bleeding-vagina/

    Too freakin much!!!

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  43. @RogueTeach: My roommate & I had the SAME discussion about period blood vs. vein blood after she was finished reading the honeymoon chapter of 'Breaking Dawn'. We were both like "HEY!! She brought tampons with her on her honeymoon. I wonder..." LOL!! Random.

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  44. Maybe you'll like this? Twilight farts! I laughed my ass off...

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6h_2nHyWHoI

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  45. Since we're all about the poop and fart jokes today, I thought I'd go back and find this gem (which I had forgotten about but all the fart-references brought it back to the surface of my addled brain - thanks, i think!) - this was a winner in Mr. Cutie's SSTB contest last year - enjoy!

    http://bit.ly/FayqW

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  46. umm... apparently there are quite a few farty twilight vids on youtube - lol! who knew?!

    http://bit.ly/4vaHH5

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  47. I made a Jaspersparklefart

    http://bln.gs/b/1qx7kn

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  48. Since everyone goes on about this, can you demonstrate what their faces are SUPPOSED to look like? Coming from you, it ought to be good.

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  49. They say if all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail. Given that, the question here might be posed as thus: if all faces look like they are made in the midst of farting or pooing, what kind of tool *are* you carrying?

    This post made me think quite a lot about vampire shit. Like, if vampires only drink blood, do they ever shit? Or is it just like very dark pee? Would they get gas? Would it smell faintly of iron or some other heavy metal? One wonders.

    And by the way, my word verification for this comment is "sculact" which is an annagram for "cul-scat" which seems appropriate to me.

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  50. I don't know if this has been mentioned (because I'm not reading all 49 comments....I'm lazy) but when Bella is screaming in her bed she sounds like she pushing out a 50lb granite turd. I guess she never got that stinky past the prairie dog stage since she still has constipation face for the rest of the movie. I think she could use a stool softener.

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  51. I love the Forks weather thing! EEEEK I can't wait! I hope we are all invited because we kind of invited ourselves.

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  52. Hai bitches! Guess what I saw NM for the first time today and I agree with so many things you've been pointing out as far as those big ass, bold huge fuck-ups.
    First I couldn't help but notice the terrible make up job on our favorite sparkly vampire. First director knows what looks good on a man and she made sure he looked good, 2nd director sorry dude, but you don't know what looks good on a man. Edward's lipstick was way too dark and what happened to the copper colored hair? Mike's character wow, what a blaring change! Red hair this time and orange make-up not to mention a double chin, time to cut back on the chips and beer. The meadow still sucks with the fake flowers so perfectly places like every 3 feet! I almost screamed when they were on the way up to rescue Edward and Bella looked like she really had to go really bad I shouldn't have read the post today before going. I enjoyed it anyway and I didn't mind Edward's nipple it was body hair, no big. I did notice Jacob's tiny nipples and almost made a scene again but all together his abs were so nice I had no problem focusing on those. It was great, can't wait for the next one. I love this blog, thanks for making me laugh till I gotta pee. I loves you bitches!

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  53. Day-um!
    I finally made a post to my own blog and it's got the same topic.
    Same first picture even.

    Of Course minus the poopy jokes.
    That's all you my dears. All you!

    Bella in the poopin in the porsche! Friggen FANTASTIC!

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  54. Not sure if any of you ladies read Twilight Lexicon - but I had to share this: http://www.collegehumor.com/video:1926101

    Just keep what you are doing, Ladies, I laugh and smile at pretty much everything you write:)

    I need New Moon on DVD... now:/ but I'm pretty sure you can't do that...

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  55. I've seen this movie in theaters and I got to say it really is good. I laughed at some parts and it kept me interested. I am on Jacobs team but one thing they got wrong is they're not werewolves, they're shape shifters and yes there is a difference. Even though werewolves, shape shifters and lycans are based on the concept of a wolf form they all have different meanings. Shape shifters can change to their animal at will, werewolves change only during a full moon. Look up these terms if you wish to know a better explanation.

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  56. I really like this blog, It's always nice when you can not only be informed, but also get knowledge, from these type of blog, nice entry. Thanks

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