Saturday, January 23, 2010

Our Most Random Post Ever (So Far). Oh And It's Late, Too.

[Pre-post update (that's right--we're making this shit up as we go along): we meant to post this last night. It still would have been late had we actually managed to post it last night, but we didn't. We DID spend an hour-and-a-half on Skype with the lovely and talented VitaminR70, who is essentially assuming the semi-thankless task of being our Seattle delegate/liaison/point-person/party-planner. She's like a one-woman Twitarded United Nations out there, for real (and you may know that has definitely been to Forks - with a special little someone!). But then suddenly it was like one in the morning and we were d-r-u-n-k (ok, I was d-r-u-n-k) and had definitely crossed the threshold of being "too drunk to blog" which is like "too drunk to fuck" but different. Someone should still write a song about it, though. Anyhoo, in the spirit of Twitarded, we're gonna ptmfs anyway only now that it's Saturday morning afternoon maybe we'll tack on a Rob vid to the end of it because that's probably the only thing we could possibly do to it at this point to make it even MORE random and possibly borderline offensive. Enjoy!]

[Some nice music (really!) for you blog-reading pleasure.]

So there's a lot of shit that I want to cover here tonight/tomorrow/whenever and while none if it is going to fill an entire post, exactly, if I smush all of it together and make one big totally freaking random wandering post out of it, it will work. Promise. It will be like Ben & Jerry's "Everything But The..." flavor ice cream where they throw a bunch of stuff in with the ice cream and it WORKS (ome it works). Only this will be better than that. [For the sake of full disclosure: no it won't be; nothing is better than "Everything But The..." flavor except maybe Chubby Hubby or possibly mixing Hagen Daz Caramel Cone and Chocolate flavors together. Because that shit's a guaranteed multiple taste-bud orgasm.

This is pretty much how I eat ice cream, too. Nom nom nom...

Plus, this randomness will give us more time to work on other more enlightening, "Deep Thoughts with JJ & STY"-kinda posts. Like the one JJ has been working on that's tentatively called "how music keeps me from going apeshit and murdering my fellow commuters." I'm looking forward to reading that one about as much as I'm looking forward to my next gynecological exam. I wonder - do they actually put the speculum in the freezer beforehand? Hey - I warned you: random, remember?

Anyway, here's "the scoops," in no particular order:

We are going to Forks the last weekend in September [9/29-10/2-ish]. I am really, really sorry if these dates doesn't work for everyone (even JJ was actually rooting for the last weekend in August while I voted for September). You can expect that there will be much much MUCH more inane rambling-on about this trip in the forseeable future. Seriously, we are going to talk so much about this trip to Forks that you are going to BEG us to shut the fuck up about it, even if you're going. But I feel especially sorry for the 17% of you who answered the poll with "Are you NUTS?! I'm not going to Forks!" because you're going to HATE us by September. And after September. Because after we get back, our visit to the Twitarded holy land is all we are going to talk about until Breaking Dawn comes out and who the hell knows when that will be? We promise we will make it up to you somehow. Even if it means that JJ gives oral to each and every last one of you.


Now, on to the sad news. [Is there an award for "most insensitive, asshole-ish segue"? yeah, I just won that]. You are no doubt aware that there is a telethon tonight to benefit the victims of the earthquake in Haiti. Things are massively fucked up there but went from bad to horrifically, heartbreakingly worse, and they need our help. I know I'm having a MAJOR "pot meet kettle" moment when I say this but we all need to stop whining about how crappy everything is every time we are stuck in traffic or our train is late (ahem, JJ - looking at you, twat-monkey) or the Starbucks barista doesn't froth the non-fat soy milk in your Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte just so or the stupid a-hole in front of you at the grocery check-out spends ten seconds too long rooting for coupons and your head just freaking e-x-p-l-o-d-e-s. Take a chill-pill and/or a deep breath (depending on your access to chill pills) and put it all in perspective. And then please donate. If you haven't already, take a minute today to do it. If you've already donated, do it again if you can afford it. If you're really lucky you might get to talk to Taycob or someone else uber-famous. Don't hold your breath for RPatts, though, ok? Nobody looks better when they turn blue unless they were in Avatar.

[note: ok we suck and the telethon will be over by the time we post this (oops), but you know what to do if you didn't do it already, right? Go to to donate.]

Speaking of which (fund-raising for Haiti, not Taycob or Avatar), one of our very own very talented bloggy besties is auctioning off a print of her artwork! Team Six Pack created an excellent replica of the Twilight novel cover and is selling a frame-worthy print via The Fandom Gives Back! Check out her auction HERE and don't forget to take a look at all the other things that FGB is doing to raise money for this cause. Do what you can.

Oh and Rob showed up REALLY beard-y. I'm pretty sure I heard Jenny shrieking all the way from New York City. She likes her men-folk beardy; I'm wishing he wasn't obscuring the prettah but I'll take what Rob-sightings I can get at this point. Even if he's appearing with the rarity and hirsuteness of Bigfoot (but you know what they say about big feet so whatevs).

(yeah yeah we know we've done the "we don't like paparazzi pics" thing but we're fucking hypocrites I guess.)

Moving on...

My work week sucked and ended with a virtual slap on the wrists from my boss, who either hates me, doesn't hate me, or doesn't care. One of those. Aaaand he probably knows about the existence of this blog. Fucking swell all around. Excuse me while I go back and read my own paragraph about how I should quit my incessant and not-very-well-justified whining. Where the fuck is the cheese and crackers? They would go perfectly with my whiiiiiiiiiiiine...

On the upside, I really got a HUGE lift in my day when the mail showed up with not one but two packages for me! I love getting stuff in the mail that is not bill-related. I suppose this is a hold-over from childhood when Sister Snarky and I used to fight over who was "Resident" and who was "Occupant." One of the packages was addressed to "Snarky fill-in-my-real-last-name-here"!! Apparently a couple of people took pity on me when I mentioned that I was coveting JJ's RPatts calendar and didn't have one of my own (and was messing up dates as a result) and sent me calendars! Well, Dangrdafne felt sorry for me and Twilove1 wanted to contribute to our prizes for out 1st Anniversary contest/give-away and I asked her if it would make me a REALLY bad person if I kept it for myself and she said no. Because she's cool and not judge-y like that. But thanks to the joint efforts of Dangrdafne AND Twilove1, I can totally have my RPatts calendar and eat it, too. Or something like that. Translated: I get to keep a calendar for myself (ok two - one Twilight and one RPatts) and STILL add one to the prize kitty. Thanks Dangrdafne & Twilove1!

[JJ's note - WHAT THE FUCK? You can't keep BOTH!!!]

OK fine I will just keep one of the Robert Pattinson Calendars. Sheesh! JJ, you ruin ALL my fun! Because the January/February page of the Twilight calendar is Edward pics and I REALLY want to keep it. Damn you. Ruiner! Oh and there's also an Edward bookmark from Twilove1 which will be added to the prize list ('cause it's paper!).

You could have THIS!

...or THIS!

I am also thrilled to be able to tell you that Red Bella has graciously agreed to donate another custom-embroidered masterpiece to the Anniversary contest/give-away prize pile!!! I can't say if it's a t-shirt for you or a t-shirt for your mini-Edward or racy undies (just remember: our design is TAKEN) because she's so fucking fabulous that she'll work with you to create whatever Twilighty goodness it is that is embroiderable and fulfills your little heart's desire. And that stuff is time consuming on her part and expensive and she rocks for making the offer again. Thanks Red Bella!

Oh and don't forget that you gotta be in it to win it, so send us something Twitard-y already, you whore flaps! Submissions should go to Those of you who sent to me directly at my Snarky email will be shot. I kid, I kid! Sort of... Aaaaaand I need another cocktail AND another read of my earlier "stop whining!" paragraph, clearly.

On a totally unrelated note (and without a good segue, natch), The Bloggess has accepted our marriage proposal and I think we'll arrange it so that we'll all be honeymooning in Forks in September. Because really, what could be more perfect for the Bloggess-Jerkface-Snarker family (we're "The BJs - WOOOOOT!)??? Nothing, that's what. Except possibly moving to Twitardia with all of you and living the Twitarded way, surrounded by friends. Or bedding RPattz. It's a toss up, I gotta be honest.

And as promised, here's your RPatts vid! Because I really am that much of a twat. You're welcome.

P.S. This vid is from Suzy in Germany and I hope that she is not 12 years old (but she could be for all I know).


  1. I hate cleaning house. So instead, I'm reading your cluster fuck of a blog post and watching the hot RPattz video - is it wrong to love the crotch zoom? I'm thinking more and more that there's no way I'm getting to Forks without the hubs tagging along. {{sign}}

  2. @LKW - you can bring him, but we can't vouch for his safety (oh and he's gonna be MISERABLE and there's NO FREAKING WAY YOU CAN BRING HIM WITHOUT HIM FINDING OUT ABOUT YOUR BLOG. Really. Even if I don't tell him (and I promise to try not to), someone else will slip up and do it for me. Sorry - you know it's true!

    and to everyone else (er, if anyone else is doing what LKW is doing and ditching something else that they should be doing so that they can read this, I re-read after I posed and had to take this post down 27-ish times to make corrections and stuff. So if it seems all effed up and kept crapping out on you, blame me.

    : )

  3. Thanks to bitches like you for keeping it random. Love it as always

  4. Just doing my part to keep the Twitards happy.

  5. FFFFFOOOOORRRRRKKKKKSSSSS!!!!! That is the exact weekend I was hoping you would pick. My PTO (personal time off) starts over the end of September. Are there going to be minutes posted from your meeting with VitaminR? Places to stay, etc.? So psyched.

    I know there was a lot of other random goodness in your post, but I couldn't get past FFFFFOOOOORRRRRKKKKKSSSSS!!!!!

  6. Okay, I thought my husband was the only one that liked that song. That’s a remake of the Dead Kennedy’s Too drunk to fuck, right?

    Anyhoo. I have no problem going to forks and taking time off, and booking ticket is no big deal, I’m just scared to go by myself! *starts sweating profusely* So have you booked your tickets for sure that week? Cause I’m gonna round up the Hawaii peeps, so I don’t fly alone.

  7. That weekend works perfectly for me. Woot!

    I was worried it would be the weekend of the 25th and that would have sucked, cause it would have ment that I would abandoned the hubby on our anniversary.

    As for the contest I'll donate two items and the two winners can choose either an Embroidered T-shirt or Undies...

    I'll do the Mini-E Tshirts for everyone who comes to forks as a keepsake of the trip.


  8. @Honolulu - yup, that's a remake of Dead Kennedys. She sounds so cute - I kind feel attracted to her. Weird.

    Anyway - The second we buy our tickets we will put up a post. Promise. But there is no bailing out at this point (mainly because I will fucking kill STY if she bails on me AND haunt her in the afterlife).

  9. I've been feeling pretty random today so the random post was highly appropriate. The trip to FOOOOOOOORRRRRKKKKSSSSS sound so much more real now & I'm going to try very, very hard not to annoy everyone I know by talking about it constantly for the next 8 months. Maybe.

  10. Hi Twi-twats. Yeah, I'll probably hate you all for the Forks trip, before all is said and done. But only 'cause I'm jealous for not getting to go. RL is just too real; we need to save the pennies for family vay-cays, and while DH is a sweetie about my Roblust, he does NOT want to go to Forks.

    SO, while we are being random, I am an 80's music lover, and forever have wanted some talented person (can you hear me Honolulu Girl...?) to do a schmexy RPattz video to the Bangles song, "In Your Room" -
    if you don't know it. Lyrics like, "I'll teach you everything a boy should know" "I'm alive with you...I'll do anything you want me to" Whoooo.....(wipes sweat from brow...) I mean, the song was WRITTEN for him. Anybody interested???

    Can't wait to see who wins all the goodies!


  11. Fooooooorrrrrrkkksssssss!! Yea! That's the weekend I was hoping for!! AND BONUS, I have sucessfully recruited (er, brainwashed) another chick to come with me! Sweeeeet! So there will be 2 of us heading out. We await additional information re: places to stay and plan of destruction....


  12. That weekend is freakin' perfect and I am soooooooooooooooooooooo in! Can't wait for more details!

  13. First of all Fooooooorrrrrkkkksssssss!!

    Secondly, I'm with JJ on beardy Rob. Yum. Just yum. Thank Jeebus Mr. CC has a beard.

    Thirdly, sorry to hear about the shitty end to your week.

    Fourth, those are some pretty fuckawesome prizes ya got going there!


  14. My bestest friend bought me that exact RPattz calendar for Christmas. I'm actually a little embarassed by it. It's sort of like buying a rainbow sweater for a gay friend who isn't actually "out." I'm only openly twitarded in front of about 5 people (and about 3 of them share my affliction wholeheartedly).

    Also, big props for reminding people to donate to Haiti. I donated last night too. Totally wish I could shave that silly thing off Rob's face. It's very...teen wolf. Ugh.

  15. @Twi-Me? I heard you honey. I’m wrapping up on one video right now, and I went old school with Madonna Erotica but I’ll take a look at that song. I do remember it!!


    Thanks for the hangover actually I felt pretty good even though I downed four VitaminRs while chatting with you two.

    I still have to enter the effing contest..shit! Do I have until midnight Sunday? Shit. Can you really blur faces for me if I send photos? I have no idea how to do it.

    I was tweeting earlier tonight and I was typing beardy, in reference to Rob of course, and my iTouch autocorrected to 'beardtongue'. Has a nice ring to it--don't you think?

    OK, it is 12:53AM and I still need to read the CWAIA update--fuuck this day had been a totaly Twi kitty block.

  17. Gah! Nouvelle Vague, Foooooooooooooorks and Beardy?
    Best post ever!!

  18. @red_bella: I just looked back at the comments and saw that you're going to make Mini-E Tshirts for everyone who comes to FOOOORRRRRKKKSSS. Thank you, that is so cool! I can't wait to tell Mini-E.

  19. @red_bella Somehow I missed that too. That is freaking awesome!!!! That should be incentive for all Mini E handlers globally to make the pilgirmage. I am a having a vision of us all standing our Mini E's up together for a group photo with their matching shirts...I am in hysterics just thinking of it. I think we will all need to give you free hand massages if you plan on sewing us all shirts for our action figures. So great.

    V/W 'bradsmum' why not 'robsmum'?

  20. @red_bella I have been holding out on getting a mini-E cause frankly he isn't that cute (sorry ladies) but I can't resist the idea of him having a special Forks trip shirt. Great idea. Will it fit new moon mini-E too?

  21. @Twilightcupcake I'm not sure if they will fit NM mini-E. I just couldn't bring myself to buy one, didn't like the look of him. I have ordered shirtless NM mini-E. I can make them so the back is open and use velcro as a closure that way they may fit NM mini-E.

  22. Sigh....wish I could go to FOOOOOOOORKS with you babes but can't budget it in considering I'm on the West Coast end of June and then again second weekend of October for a wedding (if invited!).

    But my intention is to get to FOOOOOOOOORKS in June withe my Twi-besties out there. If they can't do it, I'm renting a car and going by myself (sniff sniff). Well, not totally solo...Mini-E will be with me!

    I am LOVING that video! My video maker doesn't have all those neat effects on it!

    And the crotch zoom took me by surprise. I had my nose up to the monitor taking in all that lovely Rob-Yumminess and BOOM! Yeow! Mind in gutter, loss of speech and and and......warn a girl, will ya, huh? That thing could put someone's eye out! ;-)

    (i'm quite willing to take one for the team and test that theory out!)

  23. hi - just you know who sings that song on the video (I Want You To)?


  24. @Twi-Me? I heard you honey. I’m wrapping up on one video right now, and I went old school with Madonna Erotica but I’ll take a look at that song. I do remember it!!

  25. My bestest friend bought me that exact RPattz calendar for Christmas. I'm actually a little embarassed by it. It's sort of like buying a rainbow sweater for a gay friend who isn't actually "out." I'm only openly twitarded in front of about 5 people (and about 3 of them share my affliction wholeheartedly).

    Also, big props for reminding people to donate to Haiti. I donated last night too. Totally wish I could shave that silly thing off Rob's face. It's very...teen wolf. Ugh.


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