Wednesday, January 20, 2010

We Interrupt This Blog For Crappy RL Crap & People Funnier Than Us

So we try to keep everyone entertained here... And usually we do a decent job (we know because you tell us this is so and we trust you). But every once in a new blue moon, real life kicks us in the ass so hard that we can't even sit down to write something entertaining because it hurts that much.

This week has been one of those times...

RL has been conspiring against us here at Twitarded, folks. We've both had colds that have us pushing the outer limits of maximum snot production, and we've been forced to actually concentrate almost exclusively on actual work while at work. I know! Can you imagine?! It is as bad as sounds. {{{shudder}}} It doesn't help that that New Jersey Transit, and the bane of my commuting existence know as Route 1, are in cahoots to keep us from getting to work on time in the morning or home before 8 p.m. in the evening. Which sucks because that means that there is NO time do really do anything other than feed assorted critters (and ourselves, but not well), straighten up enough to find the bed, and crash into it so that we can get up and do it all over again tomorrow (and to those of you who have days/weeks/months like this AND have children, I have no idea whatsoever how you manage. seriously. I'd say pat yourselves on the back if you successfully pull this off 24/7, but all I really want for you is to have a moment's rest). On the other hand, if you want to play the saddest song ever on the world's tiniest violin just for us, go ahead.

You play, we'll listen. Really.

What I'd really like to be doing with my time is plotting all the details for what is going to be the most kick-ass mass quasi-religious pilgrimage EVER to FOOOOOORRRRKKS!!! Or blogging for money (please for the love of all things holy someone tell me how to make that happen). But nooooooooo... I have to go to work and shuffle papers (er, or do whatever the paperless equivalent is of "shuffling papers" - "clicking randomly"? "bored browsing"? ) and go to meetings and stuff. So in lieu of me delivering the funny tonight--and because JJ is up to her elbows in PMS and ferret shit and isn't feeling the funny either--I am going to direct your attention to my newly discovered, greatest girl-crushy love of my online life ever, The Bloggess.

She's like us, only better.

When I found her a few weeks ago, I asked Jenny Jerkface if she thought she would marry us. And I didn't mean "Hey do you think The Bloggess would be willing to be ordained by the Church of Life so that I can become Mrs. Jenny Jerkface?" but rather "do you think The Bloggess would be willing to enter into a mostly-monogamous-but-we'll-make-exceptions-for-RPatts semi-polygamous girl-fest with us?!" Because while I'm all ga-ga over Mr. Snarky as we approach our 8th wedding anniversary (and after 12+ years together and 20+ years since we first met) and JJ and I will be inseparable until she kills me or ML kills both of us, I am in LUUURV with The Bloggess in a not-really-lesbian-but-I'd-totally-have-a-slumber-party-and-pillow-fight-with-her-and-what-happens-happens kinda way. Because she uh-maze-ing-ly funny and even though I am afraid that you will all leave me for her once I introduce you (sluts that you are), I will do it anyway. Because if you love something the way I love you all, let it go. If it comes back to you, it is yours. If it doesn't, it was never meant to be (so you should probably hunt it down and kill it).

Several of the many reasons she is my new hero/bff-who-doesn't-know-it (I want to be her friend like she wants to be Sarah Silverman's friend AND she already referenced us on her blog even though it was via "the undies" and she had no idea they came from us at the time) -

She knows how to wear a cat. And wrap one for the holidays (ok technically she didn't come up with the wrapping-the-cat thing but she DID bring it to my attention).

She buys random really weird shit at estate sales (enabled/humored by her husband, who proves that like Mr Snarky, blogger husbands all deserve a fucking prize or daily bjs or something but we're too busy blogging so um we'll figure something else out).

And drinks.

Plus she makes me want to say "ya'll" in a not-snarky-or-faux-ironic way.

There are a lot of other reasons, but most importantly, she has a not-so-secret thing for Twilight.

Pic from The Bloggess - c'mon - you all know I don't know how to do this shit.

So go - be free!! Read her regular blog and her advice column and her sex column that is relatively safe for work unless your boss is a total douche canoe (her words not mine). Just don't forget about us Twitards, ok? Don't make me come after you...

P.S. Dear The Bloggess, if you are reading this, please remember that I am having an off night. And I hope I didn't creep you out with my proclamation of undying devotion.


  1. I will read this other blog, but I will always come back to you!

    And don't let RL kick your asses. A good defense-- rum. Seriously, me and Sailor Jerry are over here having a fucking goooooooooooood time after the day from hell. Makes me wish I was at the non-existent Wendy's in Forks.

    FYI, we NEED to go to the Port Angeles Wendy's while in WA. Just saying. :o)


    Much love!

  2. Oh, I heart me the Bloggess. She is some special kind of fucking genius in text. Glad you got turned on to her.

    Soup! For the colds. Not to be eaten guessed it....


    And DAMN you, STY, for hoisting that ever loving shit Midnight Sun on me. Devoured it in a day and am left empty, at a loss, and all other assorted unsatisfieds.

    Will it never end?

  3. Damn you STY! It was past my bedtime when I decided I MUST peek at Twitarded, only for a minute...and then all of a sudden I had read the majority of The Bloggess front page AND moved on over to Good Mom/Bad Mom and now it's like an hour and fifteen minutes later. However, in the end thanks for the new daily reader. Hilarity of the fullest.

  4. K, I'll go check out the Bloggess'essess site cause she sounds quite funny and I'm inexplicably compelled to do everything you tell me to (read Twitarded daily and comment? check. obsess over RPattz with you? check. Read 15 Step? check. Go to Forks? check). I promise that I'll come back again soon, though. Slut's Honor!!

  5. OK I checked out The Bloggess and I am completely SOLD...can I get in on the lovefest? Seriously, I laughed A LOT OUT LOUD and she even made me bawl with her story of getting pregnant and having her daughter. I am a whirlygig of emotions right now. Thanks for the tip...just the tip. I am faithful to you but I shall follow The Bloggess too.

  6. She'll be getting a shit-load of hits tonight! You better end up on her blogroll.

  7. Hope you both feel better real soon. RL can be such a drag.

    The Bloggess may be great & all, but no one could ever take the place of Twitarded. This is the site that inspired hundreds of Twi-bloggers & will always be one of our favorite Favorites to visit.

  8. Shit...that blog is hilarious! Great recommendation. Everyone seems to be under the weather. A lot of people are sick. I want to know who sneezed on our blogs and sent us these colds!!
    P.S.---ignore the crazy "Help!!!" email i sent you, i fixed the problem.

    We would never go to another blog and forget about you ladies...what's your names again?

    Mrs. P

  9. I heart TheBloggess! I was actually emailed todays post to Cutie. The one about Avatar and people not STFU'ing during the movie. she totally needed some stfu-ducttape, obvi! totally love, but not as much as I love you two!

  10. Oh, wow, that is some hilarious shit. Damn, people are, like, really smart and something. Huh.

    Thanks for bringing it to our attention.

    Feel better you two.

  11. I always read, but never comment, but this one was too good to pass up. Now that I have finished wiping the tears that were generated by my overzealous laughter, I can tell you that I have no intention of leaving you two hot babes...I do, however, have every intension of cheating on you regularly and repeatedly with The Bloggess. She is the Jerry Lewis to your Dean Martin, which is ok, because Martin was way smexier than Lewis *wink and cuddle*

  12. Feel better you two! I'd make you some soup but I don't think soup goes into the mail that well.

    It's being added to my blogs I read list. Love it. Looking forward to wasting hours on her site.

  13. Thanks for the hook up. I read the Twilight post & laughed hysterically. Greatest line..."if you have to die anyway, death by vampire ejaculation seems like a pretty good way to go". AMEN, sister!

  14. So I was totally prepared for a less-funny-than-usual post after that lead in...and I was let down. Because, as usual, y'all are freaking awesome and hilarious. And thanks for the pat on the back for those of us with tiny monsters...I mean kids.

  15. I've loved you girls long time and didn't think I could possibly love you more. But The Bloggess? I fah-reaking love her. I've been a seldom reader of hers for a while, but @_dharv sent me the series on James Garfield was priceless. I pissed my pants, streaked my mascara and had abdominal cramping from all the laughing. xoxo

  16. Well, just for the record, I you and JJ on twitter and I was actually logged in (at work, naturally) the day you tweeted the link to JJ about The Bloggess and the cat/towel post, so I checked it out. Loved it and, yes, she's hilarious, but Twitarded is my home. Feel better soon, you two!!


  17. So far, I have only read three of The Bloggess' posts, but I am already in love. I. Love. Her. Thank you guys for finding another way for me to add another five minutes to the "not actually working" pile. I'm up to half a day now!

    Of COURSE I'll still be reading you guys! You are my 9:15 - 9:20am!

  18. Sorry to hear that you two are under the weather. Hot Rum Toddy Ladies! Cures what ales ya....

    Will check out the Bloggess...

  19. I just checked out the Bloggess. That is some funny shit! She has been added to my list of faves, which is now two miles long. I'm going to have to delete Mapquest to make room.

  20. You never forget your first love, so I'll definitely be back. And the time apart will just make me appreciate you all the more..... Yeah I'm feeling sappy today, got some spectacular ass this morning and I'm all cuddly and love everyone of you. : )

  21. So sorry you are under some sniffle spell, and thanks for the funnies.**Twisigh**

  22. I just watched the how to wrap a cat for Christmas video. That is way too funny. Now we just need an instructional video on how to wrap a werewolf for Christmas. I would assume that it is not the easiest task. That is why I think that it should be taught by Edward Cullen. However, it may then turn into how to dismember a werewolf for Christmas...I may need to think this through more...

  23. Weird. Just tried to access the link from my work computer & it blocked me. Yet, I can go to your site anytime - that makes NO sense at all to me. Hopefully they won't catch on & realize just how dirty you are & block you in the future.

  24. Oh, how funny is her blog?! I abso-freaking-lutely loved it and commented as such. And then I came back! Yay!

  25. Why, STY??? Why did you have to introduce me to yet another ever-so-readable blog so that now it's almost 1 am and I need to go to bed because I keep sleeping through my alarm by two hours and waking up only because my cat sat on my face???????????????

    Seriously, though, I adore your blog and will always come back, but now I have ONE MORE to check all the time. True story, my friend Dan introduced me to and I spent all day reading their hilarious lists and chuckling at my desk until my coworker asked "WHAT do you keep LAUGHING at?"

    Also, please get better soon. I'm going to try to go to bed and hope that my cat sits on my face again so I'm not late for work. Hey, how great would that be if EDWARD sat on my face every morning to wake me up?.....

  26. OMFG,JJ and STY you are ruining me!! The Blogess has made me laugh so hard my stomach muscles hurt and I peed a little in my pants!! When she wondered why vampire spunk does shoot out Bella's head, I fell apart, because, it's true, I wonder......

  27. I so love you. And I accept. I'll be the one not wearing white.

  28. Seriously.
    My two favorite worlds just collided.

    I want in on this "woops we all had too much whiskey and things got physical, but we're all secretly glad it did because now we're even closer, even if we never talk about it" sleepover with the three of you.

    Just throwing it out there....

    and of course, RPattz and James Garfield can join.

  29. So, btw real life catching me in it's claws (and twitarded gurus also), a wondefull, delicious cold, turning into the flu and one more blog.... I really do need some extra hours each day to keep up :)
    Thanks for the tip, STY.


  30. Further proof of her awesomeness (as if it was needed).

    Oh and thanks for giving me something else to waste my time on when I should be writing my dissertation.


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