Thursday, February 18, 2010

The Case of the Absent-Minded Eclipse Spoiler Whore

As most of you know, Snarkier Than You and I decided to play Devil/Angel when it comes to checking out Eclipse spoilers and the like. Or maybe it was Good Cop/Bad Cop. Whatever. All I know was that this was decided and we flipped a coin and the next thing I know, STY's all pointing at me and crowing, "you're a whore!!" [note from STY: the decision regarding who would be the whore did not require a coin.]

And I did a fist pump and yelled, "Fuck yeah, I'm a whore!!"

Then she paused for a moment before declaring, "You're going to be a really shitty Eclipse whore."

I was tempted to disagree and insist that I was going to be the sluttiest, legs-wide-open-blowin'-the-whole-Cullen-clan spoiler tramp in the whole damn Twidom, but I didn't.

Because I think she might right.

I am going to suck at this. The spoiler thing, that is. Not the Cullen cock.

Now, if I were in the mood to defend myself I would say that I might not score 100% in Whoreland because I'm a busy gal, what with work and real life and the insane list of fan fiction I need to read. But that's really just bullshit.

The truth is I'm totally fucking oblivious. I don't get it - I spend more time parked in front of this computer screen, reading Twilight, writing Twilight and getting Twilight through fucking osmosis, for crying out loud but I still managed to miss pretty much every single spoiler out there to date. You could take every leaked still and staple it to my forehead and I'd probably still say, "huh? There are new Eclipse stills out there? And ow, my forehead hurts. Where am I? I have to poop..."

Oh mah gahd!! New Eclipse stills!! Wait... this looks familiar...

On top of my space cadet-ness I'm so forgetful I'm borderline amnesiac. I am like the Absent-Minded Professor of fucking Twilight, people. It's so bad STY suggested I take my cue from the guy in Memento and write on myself. She also muttered something about helping me out - not so sure that's a good thing...

True story: someone sent me the leaked Eclipse script. I went apeshit and was SO stoked to read it so I saved it...somewhere so I could read it later.

And then I totally forgot about it. I don't even know where the fuck that zip drive is. I mean, someone [see? I can't even remember who. I SUCK] literally dumped a big, juicy, sizzling spoiler right in my lap and I still didn't whore it out.

I am so ashamed. I'm such a fail.

That being said, I'm nothing if not determined to give the rest of you Eclipsomaniacs (and HOLY CRAP are you a slutty bunch) the scratch you're looking for to cure that itch.

Therefore, I give you the Jenny Jerkface Pledge of Eclipse Whoredom:
I, Jenny Jerkface, promise to be the biggest, dirtiest, trampiest spoiler slut I can be. I promise to find every and any little piece of pre-release dirt I can find and bring it to you strumpets. Unless it's leaked because, while I don't necessarily think anal is a bad thing, I'd rather not have Summit up my ass. I will strive to keep you all updated on all the juicy goodness of spoiler-dom that I can find.

That is my pledge and I swear to keep it.
But don't hate me if my best spoiler slut disappoints sometimes. I mean, there are a whole lot of spoilers out there, I think. I'll give it my best shot but even the greatest whore leaves you with blue balls once in awhile...


  1. It's ok JJ we still love you!

    And remember to check out all the links and, click, click, ECLIPSE!

  2. Slut-fail. I love it.

  3. Hey JJ--there's some stills out there of Bella running through a fountain...have you seen them yet? LMAO!!!!!!!!!

  4. Eclipse trailer shown prior to Remember Me! Mark that one in the whore calendar....

    However, due to recent events, I've shifted my attention away from leg hitches and moved into the world of straddles....


  5. dirrrty twat stain you!!!
    Can't wait to see what comes next in the Eclipse spoiler whore world!

    None of the New Moon stuff ruined my experience, so I shall continue on my whorish venture.

    Eclipse Whores Unite!

  6. JJ - I really expect more from you in the slut department. Just saying. I have the script if you want it, I know where I saved it. ;-)

    @Cazza - exactly. Fuck the leg hitch, I am fixated on a table on a balcony with The Precious spread eagle. I'm blown that bitch up into a poster, that may or may not be placed on the ceiling above my bed.

  7. Aw JJ, I aspire to your whoreyness. Don't fail me now! Don't beat yourself up if you miss a few, just get back out there, throw those feet in the air, and sniff out more fresh meat for us. I'm afraid you've created monsters and we want MORE.


  8. Poor JJ! Don't worry - I have faith that the Eclipsomaniacs won't let your whoredom be a complete fail. And once you get past a certain point there's no regrowing the Twymen. You'll get there.

    Twitter will help! Your favorite cuntbiscuits will never let you down. And from the look of that poll - there are plenty out there.

    I wish I could help, but I'm a Just-the-Tipper. Practically pure. And I use that term rather loosely.

  9. No matter how long I'm online, I always seem to be out of the loop, which is just as well, since I'm trying to keep my Twi-men intact this time round. I have seen the Eclipse stills, but it was completely by accident. I like, totally tripped and fell on it, it wasn't my fault. So that doesn't make me a slut...right?!

    Veri-word: airope. Hmmm....

  10. Apprarently they ARE trying to make the Twi-Hymen come to life. I found this on but it looks like the took it down because when I try to read more, there is technical difficulties. Goes back to Oct '09.

    "The Daily Details
    Artificial Hymen Creates Born-Again Virgins
    Warning: Women are dangerous. They fool you by wearing all that makeup, they sometimes have opinions, and occasionally they even pretend they haven't been around the block a few half-dozen times. But thankfully, Egyptian parliament member Sheik Sayed Askar has a plan to put an end to all that. read more
    Sunday, 10/11/2009 at 8:26AM
    Posted by Alex Bhattacharji
    news and politics, sex and other releases, sex and relationships"

    They have some funny shit on there.

  11. For Twilight, I was a complete virgin (as in I didn't even know what it was until it was on its last leg in the theater). For New Moon I was a complete spoiler whore. So for Eclipse, I'm going try and do just the tip (official trailers). I have the script saved, along with Memoirs/Remember Me and Bel Ami, but have not read it. It will be interesting to read it after the movie comes out and see how official or unofficial it really was.

    I never thought I'd be saying good luck to a whore(flap), but good luck! LOL!

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  13. JJ, I appreciate your Whore Pledge. It touches my heart. Really, it does. I happily follow you down the path of whoredom, hand in hand, sucking up and grinding into each piece of pre-release dirt you can find.

    @My After Car Is an XKR - Teenage hormones - oh yeah. I am so fucking excited about Remember Me and Eclipse I can barely keep a pair of panties dry.

  14. Sorry JJ. I won't be cheering you on. I'm counting on you being an inept Eclipse whore to same me from spoilage.

  15. OK I feel like we need some definitions of spoilers here. I do not feel that the trailer before Remember Me is going to be a is a trailer. To me it is more the constant bombarding of photos and leaked footage...and naked chests, etc. I have converted to a "Just-the-tipper" and I am holding out hope that I can stay true to my plan. Though I will not be surprised if it all goes to hell. I did manage to stay away from lots of the leaked footage in the 6 weeks leading up to NM..I may surprise us all.

    As for you JJ being a good spoiler slut....I am sure your peeps will make sure you are informed and up to date...I am more worried about you taunting those around you (i.e. me) with all your whoreishness.

  16. JJ, I'll be your whoreleader, er...I mean cheerleader. Ah fuckit, I mean whoreleader.
    I have to time out so I can write a good cheer, so until then...WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORE!!!



  17. JJ more power to you. But I ask please, please, please don't be the type of whore who gets her good chaste friends to come over the whoredom. I don't want to be an Eclipse whore. I like my virginity - it's going to bring me to the pearly gates of Eclipse heaven where I will reap my rewards with a lot of ooh and ah's and maybe an ungh or two.

  18. JJ, look, I'm the same as you. I really suck at whoriness. I am always the last person to find out about Twi-related crap. Thankfully, I have Lisa@17Forever. She's always right on top of these spoiler stuff. Apparently she seems to have found the right people to follow and that's where she gets her info.

  19. Lol! My word! I thought I was borderline amnesiac! But JJ, you win!
    I immediatley save all titbits of Rob nom-nom under a relevant file (on my desktop!) So that The Purdy doesn't dissappear into techie oblivian! I even email relevant links to myself so that I don't forget them!
    Aaaahhh....Twilight has ruined me! Turned me into an teen-hormoned, obsessive Twi-slut! Lucky for Rob I live faaaaar away and I am dirtpoor. So I cannot add stalker to the list yet!

  20. JJ thanks for the pledge, you touched my heart - I aspire to your whoreyness.

  21. Whore or not, we love you and all your quirky ways.

  22. @Jelena - Who are you calling a spoiler whore?! LOL! Just let me restate that I am trying to take in "just the tip" for Eclipse. The tip is inserted a little deeper than I had originally planned after looking at the "leaked" stills, but I've got my thighs clamped tight now ;)

    @Dangrdafne - Who are we kidding? We love JJ more because she's a whore(flap) :)

    @STY - How are you holding up? Staying strong?!

  23. I found the leaked phots and I think I need to reread eclipse for the 3rd time because I don't remember them being in the meadow??? The pictures look great and RPattz of course looks georgeous.

    On another note I was wondering if anyone from this website is going on the twilight cruise? My family and I are going and it would be great to meet other people from this site.

  24. Go JJ! Bring it on baby all the devilish delights of Eclipse! The script was sumptious, the meadow scenes and the leg hitch were perfect. More MORE MORE!!!

  25. @My After Car Is an XKR - Teenage Whoremones aplenty here! And Mr. TwiWeasel is not complaining...except for a little bit of chafing, that is.

    @ Jenny Jerkface - I may or may not have a copy of that script, if you want it, or not. Whatever.

  26. @F-Kat LMAO!

    @JJ - Love how you worked poop into the post! It's become a "Where's Waldo?" for me now.

  27. that was, dare i say it, touching.

    i believe in your whoring abilities, jj!

  28. @Yaks2much4u: It's at the very end, when Edward decides to give in and SM cockblocks us all again by having Bella decide to wait. Bitch.

    @Twiweasel: Whoremones! Love it. I don't think I was ever this whoremone ridden when I WAS a teenager.

  29. Damn it, the New Moon trailer still makes me cry!

    Anyhoo- I'm looking forward to living vicariously through your whoredom, as I SUCK at finding anything spoiler related, even if I try.

  30. It's ok JJ we still love you!

    And remember to check out all the links and, click, click, ECLIPSE!


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