Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Dear 18-Year-Old Taylor Lautner: RUUUUUUUUUUNNNNN!!!


Guess who's turning 18 tomorrow?! That's right, non-tween Team Jacobers: tomorrow is The BIG Day. You know - the day where you can finally ogle Taycob without it being inappropriate or just downright illegal. OK, fine, it's still inappropriate but so is our lust for Robert Pattinson and our collective obsession with Twilight in general. But this is pretty much the last thing to check off of the "Is this illegal?" list unless you are planning on kidnapping RPatts (and I know some of you might be...let it be known that the person who shows up in Forks with The Precious in the trunk of their rental car or--even better--happily perched in the front seat, slightly comatose from all the roofie-spiked Heinekens and sexual favors - wins a BIG prize).

I have to come right out and say that I am Team Edward to the core. Jacob didn't do it for me in the books, and in real life, well, there's just no competition in my book. I've always had a thing for the "bad boy with a heart of gold"-kinda dude (and I married mine!) and Taylor is just so...NOT a bad boy. I have gone on the record stating that I think that he really brought it to New Moon; I expected to be disinterested at best and disgusted at worst with his being the focus of NM and I am happy to admit that he proved me wrong. But still, when I see him, he just screams "Good Wholesome Kid" - you just want to give him a cookie and a glass of milk or something. And this is from someone whose maternal instincts pretty much start and finish with "I'll make you soup if you're sick. If I have to..."

The fact that Taylor's b-day sort of coincides with the release of the Jacob Black Tonner doll just serves to reinforce my "I'm Not Team Jacob" stance...


Uhhhh...You are girly-pretty and your biceps are disturbing me...

If Adam Lambert...

...and that guy from Glee had a baby...

...it would look like the Jacob doll.

So congratulations, all you Taycob fans - he still looks baby-fresh to me, but you can finally look at stuff like this without worrying that the kiddie porn kops are going to be knocking at your door! I'm going to stick with my still-ridiculous obsessing over that other guy who is a tad older but still totally too young for me...

Taycob, dude, be careful out there...




By the way, I found this widget at Inappropriate Twilight Obsession in a post about The Undies titled "As If A Taylor Turns 18 Countdown Widget Weren't Inappropriate Enough" -niiice.

P.S. In my humble opinion, the Jacob Black doll should have looked a little more like this (only with the extra beefy-NM muscles added in) -

42 comments:

  1. Yes, I'm one of those people who has stated on more than one occasion, "is it 2/11 yet?" I know I should feel bad, but it's his chest that calls me not his baby face.

    Every time I see him fully clothed I want to put him in my pocket (except when he is in a suit then dirty things come to mind), then he opens up that shirt I'm like, why didn't they make boys like you when I was young? Heck, why don't the men I know have abs
    like this now?

    Regardless, I made this TL Legal avi for shits and giggles; http://tinyurl.com/yk8lk7c

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  2. i wasn't prepared to see adam lambert on your blog. like...ever.
    oddly, that is all i can say right now. hmmph.
    i still love you hard.

    E

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  3. Team Rob/Edward/Robward/RobStu/Robler/ThePretty/ThePrecious for life, baby.

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  4. Your Adam Lambert + Glee kid = Jacob Tonner doll freaking killed me! Good one.

    I'm not sure if Taylor knows what team he's on...know what I'm sayin?

    Lizardstew would kick my ass if she knew I said that.

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  5. I just always feel relieved when I read you guys, and I'm reminded that there are other people in the world who exist in my frame of reference.

    **sigh**

    I just rewatched- and sheesh is Rob fuckhawt. It's still not even CLOSE to fair.

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  6. STY,

    Always glad to know others are on the same wave length as me. Jacob never did much for me either.

    During our viewing of New Moon, seeing the half naked dog, my friend literally gasped and said, "I may have to reconsider Edward..." Fucking blasphemy, I say! I almost threw my popcorn in her face and moved to a more friendly seat. She finally saw the error of her ways and has come back to the bright side...or dark side..or whatever....

    Yeah, Adam threw me for a loop, but you made up for it with that so, so sweet pic at the end. Sigh...

    And honestly, if I were to get away with kidnapping The Precious, I wouldn't be stupid enough to drive him to all the horny Twitarded bitches in Forks. I am selfish to the core. :)

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  7. I work with a 40-something Team Jacober (affectionately referred to as "Pedophile Wolf Girl" by F-Kat and Z Any Mouse) who has been in major countdown mode for the past few weeks. Tomorrow she's going to fling the closet door wide open and start displaying all the Jacob paraphernalia that's been accumulating in her desk drawer. Finally, I won't be the weirdest one in the office.

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  8. I feel the same about Taycob. Sure, he was sweet to Bella in New Moon (the book.) But he certainly wasn't Edward. Jacob would hold you gently and poke u with his teeny peen (case and point...the pic of him leaving the gym)...Edward, (i like to think) would fuck the shit out of you, then hold you and recite poetry.

    TAYLOR is hot from the neck down...his face is "cute"...but in a constipated-your-teeth-are-blinding sorta way.

    Sure, if I was 15, I'm sure I woulda been all over him...but after playing the 1st round of heavy petting, I'm sure I would have been turned off. Teeny Peeny Weeny...

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  9. WOOOOOOOOOOOHOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
    Sorry ladies, but I'm fickle. Fickle enough to have actually broken the handle on my reversible Team Edward/Team Jacob bag last week from the constant swapping.

    I didn't like Jake in the book on my first read through, but by the second and subsequent reads he grew on me and especially after writing my Jake fic I really like the character.

    Now, as some fellow Twitards may have heard me mention ;o) I do have certain issues with Taylor Lautner, namely his fingernails and neck, but I feel, well, he's worked hard to get that body, it would really be rude not to show some sort of appreciation.

    Full size Jake is back in his cupboard at Edbrella Towers today, but I did let him out for a bit of a celebration yesterday, pop by the blog later and have a look :o)

    Oh, and I've been trying to make my bloggy bestie Mary look at that peen pic all week. Poor girl is in constant fear since she let her guard down and ogled him when we watched New Moon, she was convinced when she developed swine flu the following day that it was God judging her.

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  10. I am Team Precious 100% but I have to say that ion a pinch I think Taycob could man up. I just hope he is semi wet in Eclipse as much as he was in NM cause that was FUCKING HOT! However, Edward wet and naked would be better... one can dream!

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  11. OMG, STY, that black and white photo of Taylor is so inappropriately delicious. I for one liked him much better with his long hair (I know it's a wig). Give me just a minute until I compose myself, cause I can't stop staring at that photo. And, I'm a team Edward, btw.

    ...

    Okay, I hated Jacob in the book. He was getting on my nerves with his raging hormones and all, but it's Lautner who made him appealing to me. He's cute, and I definitely wouldn't kick him out of bed. Just sayin'.

    @Stan - on you go about the fingernails and the neck. NM is soon gonna be a completely different movie for you, cause you concentrate on a whole different set of things, like kids drinking and puking at the break up log. :p

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  12. I want my Precious! That is all.

    Though I am happy that those of you that do want him will now not be arrested...at least not for lusting after Taylor. I am sure there are LOTS of other things you all could get arrested for....did I mention that we are pre-planning possible bail methods (and escape plans) for the pilgramage to FFFOOORRRKKKSS? Well, we are.

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  13. This post was hilarious! The Adam/Glee baby nearly made me choke on my pepsi!

    Team Edward! But I agree with you completely about Jacob bringing it to NM... I was pleasantly surprised.

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  14. My goal is to win that prize in Forks.

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  15. It's funny...my view on Jacob/Taylor is exactly the same as yours. I teach high school and have always seen both Jacob and Taylor as mere boys, nothing hot about it. And as far as I'm concerned, I'm 40, Rob's 23.....it's merely the Demi/Ashton separation, so he's fair game. :-)

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  16. Amen sisters! Now I can ogle without feeling pedapheliac (is that a word?). He is a hot little number for sure.

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  17. We are having an 18th birthday party for Taylor during our after school program today at the request of our 6th grade girlies. You mention his name and pandamonium ensues. Just like when people mention The Precious within my hearing range. Oh, Rob...

    The boys are tolerating the celebration only because of the promise of birthday cupcakes, otherwise we'd have a mutiny on our hands.

    And good gracious, could you have been more dead on with the mash-up between Glee's Kurt and Adam Lambert?

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  18. Adam Lambert/Glee kid: Hilarious. And disturbingly spot on.

    Sumpin bugs me about Taycob. I think I mostly just feel sorry for him, because he always looks so "third wheel" and out of sorts in pics with Robsten. And I just can't be turned on my something I pity.

    That said, he did bring it in New Moon and I have nothing but uber platonic love for him.

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  19. Adam Lambert/Glee kid: Hilarious. And disturbingly spot on.

    Sumpin bugs me about Taycob. I think I mostly just feel sorry for him, because he always looks so "third wheel" and out of sorts in pics with Robsten. And I just can't be turned on my something I pity.

    That said, he did bring it in New Moon and I have nothing but uber platonic love for him.

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  20. Yeah - he doesn't do a damn thing for me. At all. Glad for you ladies that can openly drool over him now.

    You're right on about the doll.

    @mmMoxie - I kinda get that feeling too.

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  21. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lDklX366QaI&feature=player_embedded

    I think that speaks for itself LOL

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  22. LMAO!!! Adam Lambert and the gay kid from Glee!!! That has got to be the funniest thing EVER!!!

    I love your brain.

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  23. Siiiigh!! I just can't help myself! Taylors body is just so hot!! And now he's legal, so I don't feel like such a perv! Even though the legal age in Michigan is 16!!! Muaaahhaahahaa!!
    http://thewifelife2010.blogspot.com/

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  24. LMAO! I had the same thought about the Jacob doll looking like Adam Lambert - but I was definitely missing the combo with Glee kid to make it spot on.

    I think Taylor's hot...but he doesn't get me fired up like Rob, that's for sure. Definitely glad that Taylor's legal now, though, for the eye candy sake, but I still kinda feel like a creep ogling him.

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  25. from the neck up, i can't look at taylor that way either. thanks for the hot picture of him though! delicious.
    rob, on the other hand, i look at that way from head to toe. yummy.
    hope kstew is appreciating. by the way, i need more juicy gossip about them. i hate for them to be stalked but another hand holding pic would do me wonders.

    love your blog.
    megan

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  26. the title of this post is a total WIN out of all the TL-is-18 post titles I've seen. LMAO!

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  27. @mmMoxie, @Cullenary Curser -- I get the same exact vibe about the Taycob. I don't think he knows what team he's on just yet.

    He really doesn't do it for me. The body is great, and I even love the blinding teeth, but DAMN...I just can't get past that fugly nose. I have to try not to focus on it or it ruins New Moon for me every time.

    The Lambert/Glee baby made me almost spit out my water. That's too funny.

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  28. @ TJB: That pic was great. Posted it to sis, she's all Team Taycob and now she won't have to feel embarrased about it - although I might think she should anyway...

    Taylor does nothing for me. I don't like buff. I like'em lean n' mean. And that baby face? I've got 16-year old boys at work (school, that is) who look more manly than Taylor. I'm just sayin'...


    Anyway, back to Beautiful Bastard *puts on secretary glasses*

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  29. Hilarious Post! I can just imagine the collective sigh of relief that will be heard tomorrow!

    STY- you may want to add a disclaimer that you are in no way advocating for the kidnapping of Rpattz in case a Twitarded fan actually does kidnap him. That way they cannot use as their defense = STY and JJ made me do it!!

    Word verify= tworican. As in a Puerto Rican Twilight fan. Awesome! That's me!

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  30. @ Totally Inappropriate:

    Video of the RPattz wet in new "Remember Me" video.

    http://www.sawfnews.com/Entertainment/62666.aspx

    He even looks hot covered in spaghetti...sigh.

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  31. Hello all!

    I am trying to be a better Twilight fan and not just a lurker on this particular blog... so what better time to start than a post about Tay-Tay's "coming of age"? :)

    I guess I am more of a whore than most of you, because I while I am a definite Rob devotee... I dabble in outrageously vivid daydreams (and if I'm lucky, night dreams) about Edward (of course), but also Charlie, Carlisle, recently Emmett and yes... Taycob.

    Since I saw Twilight before I read it, I have always pictured the characters as the actors... and I agree, I wasn't all about Twi-Jacob. But NM Jacob had me worried about meeting Chris Hansen for a while...

    As for "grown men" disgustedly passing judgement on those of us Twifans that lusted after "underage boys", I would looooove to see the porn in their mind's eye when Britney Spears hit the scene 10 years ago...

    Anyway, HAPPY BIRTHDAY TAYCOB!!! Just don't be offended if I slip and call you "Edward" when we're "doing it", my husband wasn't. :)

    www.twilightdetox.blogspot.com
    Check it out if you don't mind...haven't kept up with it much, but will write more soon...

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  32. Aww, I love the photo with the "I'm a Big Kid Now" Awesome! Taylor is sweet as pie, and so adorable, and nice to look at for sure, but honestly..........I think he plays for the other team... there I said it (dodges rotten tomatoes).

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  33. @Edwardrules- I loved the Demi/Ashton analogy! It's soooo right!

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  34. Adam Lambert/Glee Kid analogy: PERFECT! The doll freaks me out.

    I'm like many of the chicks here and have absolutely NO attraction to Taycob.

    In the books, I liked the character of Jacob. He reminded me of some of the boys in high school who thought they had a chance, but didn't really. He was immature and demanding, just like a 15 year-old boy would be.

    Taylor totally won big time in New Moon with his performance. But I agree with Stan about the neck - it's really long and disproportionate. Plus, the nostrils creep me out a little.

    Overall - he's a kid, and looks it. RPatts at least looks manly and a big hairy. Can Taycob even grow facial hair?

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  35. LOL! I meant Rob looks manly and a BIT hairy - not a BIG hairy. Just another case of sexlexia for me!

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  36. STY, there should be a permanent disclaimer NOT to eat or drink while reading this blog. God did you ever hit the mark on that doll!

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  37. That was frickin hilarious and I wish I foudn it sooner..... from a former but not totally reformed Edwarddict still lusting after Rob, team Switzerland.... Taylor is simply mouth watering delicious and I want to bite his big ol' pouty innocent looking bottom lip. what? its legal!!

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  38. Hello all!

    I am trying to be a better Twilight fan and not just a lurker on this particular blog... so what better time to start than a post about Tay-Tay's "coming of age"? :)

    I guess I am more of a whore than most of you, because I while I am a definite Rob devotee... I dabble in outrageously vivid daydreams (and if I'm lucky, night dreams) about Edward (of course), but also Charlie, Carlisle, recently Emmett and yes... Taycob.

    Since I saw Twilight before I read it, I have always pictured the characters as the actors... and I agree, I wasn't all about Twi-Jacob. But NM Jacob had me worried about meeting Chris Hansen for a while...

    As for "grown men" disgustedly passing judgement on those of us Twifans that lusted after "underage boys", I would looooove to see the porn in their mind's eye when Britney Spears hit the scene 10 years ago...

    Anyway, HAPPY BIRTHDAY TAYCOB!!! Just don't be offended if I slip and call you "Edward" when we're "doing it", my husband wasn't. :)

    www.twilightdetox.blogspot.com
    Check it out if you don't mind...haven't kept up with it much, but will write more soon...

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  39. from the neck up, i can't look at taylor that way either. thanks for the hot picture of him though! delicious.
    rob, on the other hand, i look at that way from head to toe. yummy.
    hope kstew is appreciating. by the way, i need more juicy gossip about them. i hate for them to be stalked but another hand holding pic would do me wonders.

    love your blog.
    megan

    ReplyDelete
  40. We are having an 18th birthday party for Taylor during our after school program today at the request of our 6th grade girlies. You mention his name and pandamonium ensues. Just like when people mention The Precious within my hearing range. Oh, Rob...

    The boys are tolerating the celebration only because of the promise of birthday cupcakes, otherwise we'd have a mutiny on our hands.

    And good gracious, could you have been more dead on with the mash-up between Glee's Kurt and Adam Lambert?

    ReplyDelete

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