Thursday, February 4, 2010

Life sucks but Kellan Lutz says he loves me & I saw his bulge. But not at the same time. That would have been even awesomer.

So, yeah. Life is doin' me hard in the pooper these days. I mean, honestly, Robert Pattinson could be having a full blown love affair with Boy George and I wouldn't even know about it because I've been drowning in contracts, spreadsheets and scathing belittlement.

My gift to you is a mental image of this dude and RPattz gettin' it on. Your day now officially sucks as much as mine. You're welcome.

Don't believe me? True story - my lovely bloggy buddy Snarkier Than You sent out a tweet a few days ago declaring that I had been abducted by aliens and replaced with a much meaner (and more evil) JJ and I DIDN'T EVEN RESPOND. At all. Normally, this would have resulted in a full-on Twitter war, possibly followed by me fire-bombing her house. But I did nothing.

Whether or not that tweet was deserved is besides the point, but I do plan on paying her back by tinkling some pee on her toilet seat the next time I visit. Clean that, Snarkface!

Anyway. Despite the work buggery, there was one thing that I absolutely could not miss. I mean, it was like the gasp-heard-round-the-twidom that rivaled the day the shirtless Edward pictures came out from New Moon.

Three words, ladies: Kellan Lutz's UnderBulge

That's so hot I'm about to burst into flames... or not.

Oops. Wrong picture.

Talk about finding the X on the treasure map...

Another true story: Mr. I'm-smoking-hot-in-my-name-brand-skivvies-with-the-reinforced-crotch-that-will-turn-yellow-from-pee told me he loved me.

So, we're like totally married now. I'm going to have a million of his babies.

Okay, okay, not even I'm that delusional and I wouldn't want to marry him anyway because he's probably a really sweet boy and I'll make him cry.

But I feel so much closer to him now that I can make out his nutsack in this picture...

What the fuck is in there? It looks really, really lumpy... and big.

It's very rare that we ogle anyone other than RPattz, I just realized. Guess we're not as slutty as we thought. [Note from STY: When I clicked on these pics yesterday off Twitter, I felt totally slutty. Like REALLY slutty. Like all I could look at was his ginormous package. And his dewy pecs. Yup, very slutty. Thank you, Stephenie Meyer, for making me sluttier now than I ever have been before in my life. Oh the irony...]

That will have to change...

Like right now. Enjoy!

46 comments:

  1. I dont why but my gaydar is overdrive everytime i see Kellan...even when he looks so yummy

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  2. I'm having a totally crappy week and that was just delish. Dewey pecs and lumpy bulge is always a great way to end a day.

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  3. oh man! The pic at 0:36 seems quite revealing! Why oh WHY can't those be pics of Rpattz?!!

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  4. No worries, JJ - seems like EVERYONE has had that kind of week - me included. Must be a full moon or something.
    I too have been panting over these pics of Kellan - something about his nipples bother me though - I can't quite figure out what. Guess I'll just have to focus on the awesome package. I wish, how I wish Rob had a bod like this. Picture this body with Rob's head......THUD.

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  5. I saw these over on Stan's blog earlier, and I still can't stop staring. Mmmmmmmmm......*wipes up drool* These pics have the honor of making Sister Banshee completely speechless, and that's not fucking easy.

    Hey Calvin! Do Rob next! Oops, that totally came out wrong...and so did that. You know what I mean. Put him in undies and take sexy pics. Or just your new perfume....*thud*

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  6. Those pics definitely don't leave too much to the imagination...or invagination. I mean you can tell he is circumcized through two layers of cotton!!!

    Well, I will take smokey-smelling, stubbly, probably-not-showered-in-two-days Rob in his skivvies any day over Kellan. Yep, that's how committed I am....or is it that I should be committed? Something like that.

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  7. This pic of kellan does sooooooooo much more for me. I'm [semi] ashamed I actually photoshopped rob's head on it.

    clickity click

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  8. Ah, these pics sure did start my morning out right today (thanks Stan!)

    I hit play on that video and it said Kellan Lutz pour C.K. And my dirty mind of course read that as POUR COCK. (not to be mistaken with poor cock) OH MY GOODNESS.

    And on that note, I will end my day the same way I started it...Kellan Peen Power.

    *THUD*

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  9. Yeah...hello, fellow City worker. Pffttt....

    Anyhooooo.

    They say more than a mouthful's a waste.

    I'd like to test that theory...you know, for purely scientific reasons.

    What I won't do in the name of research...... :-P

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  10. I'm don't fwd. pics, but when these hit I was pushing those pics on twitter as if my account was a friggin' porn bot.

    Kellan is one of the prettiest folks I've ever in person with his clothes on. Now with his clothes off - Good Lawd - thank you for creating such a fine specimen. Mmm, mmm, mmm!

    I'm not gifted with the words to express what this ad has done for me and too me.

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  11. Oh my. That's really all my brain can muster up after that video....Oh....my....

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  12. JJ, so sorry to hear that RL has been sucking so hard! Just keep one eye on our upcoming vacay (and the other on Kellen's nads, natch) and maybe an open bottle of wine in each hand.

    @Miss Amy... I was planning to skip the video (was in a hurry when I first checked this post) until I read your comments. Then I (wisely) decided that the smoking pan on the stove* could wait. Thank you thank you thank you!
    *It was grilled cheese. I don't actually cook - or clean - anymore. Thank you, ff.

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  13. @Vit R - I agree. I think I'd still pick RPattz.

    @fanficzombie - re: pour cock. It's called sexlexia. there have been several cases on twitter this week.

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  14. @My After Car Is an XKR --- OME! I think we are sisters from another mister. I had a grilled cheese for dinner today! I don't cook either ........... I mean, at alllllll ..... in fact, this was my post on twitter last night while cooking a grilled cheese (my diet consists of 21% grilled cheeses, 32% cereal and 47% fast food):

    "I turned on a different burner than I thought and just singed my my hand on it. Cooking and me is like oil and water. And a hazard."

    .... sorry for the complete side note ...... now back to Kellan's nads ..........

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  15. OMJ - all your comments are spot on tonight!! I also live on grilled cheese and fast food - nuthn' wrong with that. Thats normal. Especially AFF (After Fan Fiction).

    JJ, sorry RL is shitty. I have had the worst 2 months of my professional life. I am a lobbyist. I deal with politicians and very powerful people with large egos (and tiny peepee's) every day. I am a 30-something blond chick stuck inside the good ol' boys club. Its been super bad lately. I am so grateful I can go to Twitarded, snort with laughter, and oogle some packages.

    I have a confession. I love me some Rob, but I prefer bigger guys with shiny, rippling muscles. I may have just licked my computer screen. More than once.

    RL has screwed me so badly, I missed all the Kellen pics on twitter. All of them. I feel so left out. And violated. My vayjayjay is pissed.

    I am also pissed, the pics on my computer are hot, but I can't make out his package. Looks like he's wearing a cod piece. Time to upgrade my laptop.

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  16. @CC---sexlexia is a very serious condition that causes humiliation and the accidental sex education of your children...and I suffered from it terribly this week!!!
    (I told my son to clip his homework to his 'vagina' instead of his 'agenda'. Nice)

    @JJ---Definitely a full moon or something this week..tempers are high and the Rob drought is damn near unbearable, but kellan has given us a tall glass of water!!!!

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  17. Thank you. Now I get to mess with my little sis! I just wish I could be there when she opens her e-mail tonite and her eyes fall upon Kellan. It's gonna be pricesless!

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  18. Kellan seems so young, dumb and full of cum, not that there's anything wrong with that....I just need a little more substance.

    Rob is still my #1, even if he only owns one pair of holey black boxer briefs that he has to turn inside out on odd days.

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  19. I have to echo what @outofthetwicloset said... oh my!!I just can't stop staring at his.. uh...massive package. Oh my.

    **snaps fingers in front of face to break peen trance**

    That said, I'd still pick Rob first too! He's just got that special something that makes me go week in the knees, which is just one of his many magical powers.

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  20. I don't think I'll ever get tired of these pics. Normally when the blogs all have the same pics I'll click through, but not this time! I've been and re-studied every one. Cool vid. Damn my eye for detail though - hadn't noticed the flip flops in that one shot, the grundies & flip flop image is not quite as good. And I'm still looking into how I get to be his personal water sprayer. I mean, that guy has to be filling in, right? In that suit - he was obviously drafted in from his desk job when the usual sprayer was sick or something. They obviously need someone much more reliable.

    @fanficzombie - Hail to the power of the peen!

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  21. my, my, my (fans herself) i didn't know vampires are so big. and tasty lickolicious. wow if i didn't have the worst period cramps right now i would go jump my computer screen and then my husband.

    wv: romet-- rocking comet of love

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  22. Wow....................................................................................... Sorry was caught in a trance there.
    Caliente! Caliente!

    Thanks for those JJ. RL has also been kicking my butt big time for the last couple of weeks ( Qtr end, then month end - Grrrr!!!) I have been totally out if the loop in Twisphere - this is the first time I've been able to come on here all week....It has been tough! :(

    Anyhow I better get back to it, but I will go with a smile thinking of those pics..... Even though RPattz is still my man!

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  23. Yikers! That's some serious equipment he's working with.

    And thanks for that hideous Boy George photo that is now seared into my retinas.

    Twatface.

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  24. OK, I got to thinking (during my 14th glance of these pics)... Marky Mark also had a ripped, oiled hard bod and an incredibly large package and shot a previous version of this ad. Do you think CK's choices of large bulged men is a conspiracy to overthrow the sexual powers of the vajayjay?

    ...The world may never know.

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  25. Oh my wow! It was pretty mean what you did with the Boy George pick up top, but you made up for it.

    Mmm mmm good. I am totally team Emmett anyway so this fully made my week. Thank you so much!

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  26. JJ - sorry RL has been so crappy for you.

    But thank you, thank you, thank you for that. I just about slipped out of my chair.

    I was ready to bitch slap you for that Boy George pic, but you were immediately forgiven.

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  27. FROM MATTSGIRL05..(damn thing won't let me log in!)...I'm sorry but I am DYING over those pics of Kellan!! That is one well put together piece of man right there!! As much as I love me some RPattz, I feel myself slowly going to the Emmett side of "Twilight"! Rob is delish but I don't do the scruff or the hoodie or the too-long-wildly-ransacked hair..for me, RPattz has to be clean shaven and dressed in clothes that somewhat fit him!!

    @JJ - when you are done with Kellan's sparkly peen, you can just give him my name and I'll take over from there!! :)

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  28. My week has gone to shit as well.
    Work sucks. I'm poor. Kid is sick. Weather is shitty...seriously. Someone just kick me in the douche hole already and get it over with.

    Oh Klutz...how I love thee package let me count the ways...

    Does anyone else feel like examining his package outline is kind of like watching scrambled porn? I think I see it - yep...there it is...wait! Oh shit, someone move the antenna a little bit to the left.

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  29. OMK ok so i have a ridiculose man crush here it oo every thing in my power not to hump his leg when he was here and being all smexy i was wittier then snarky when he told me he loved me and that i rocked tho lolz i do have a confession tho the glass of wine i was currently drinking for sprayed on my laptop and i may or may not have licked the screen once...maybe twice and as for the mark walburg comments ok ladies the man is still a god after 40 so ya CK u go boys!!! mmmmmmmm im gonan be day dreaming about kellans nads for afew days thats fer sure

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  30. twi-obsessionwillbethecauseofmydivorceFebruary 5, 2010 at 12:51 PM

    Kellan looks great (although I'm not really into the hard abs/no body hair thing). I'm more excited for Rob's Details mag shoot to come out. Rob with naked models=I Am. Died.

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  31. About RL - Yeah so I forgot I was supposed to volunteer at my kid's school Monday because I was engrossed in fanfic on my day off, in my defense, I had forgotten to put it on the calendar, and since I turned 40 I can't remember what I had for dinner last night let alone shit like that. The school did send me a "thank's for volunteering email" so I guess I wasn't missed.

    About this Kellan dude - I wish FedEx would deliver me a package like that! I can appreciate a hot body but my heart belongs to Rob.

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  32. I enjoy a good package-oogle as much as the next chick, and this was fun but didn't rock my world. He's got a nice body and package, but apart from the aesthetics I don't find him at all sexy. He just seems like a nice boy with a big dick and a hard body. I can't imagine him as a lover though. He'd be like the energizer bunny I reckon. Rob though: skinny, hairy, wonky, possibly dirty and smelling of stale cigarette smoke is sexy as hell. It's his voice, his facial expressions and the look in his eyes. I want him so bad it hurts.

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  33. @Kneedshelp - HOLY SHIT! You are my twin on this issue: "I have a confession. I love me some Rob, but I prefer bigger guys with shiny, rippling muscles. I may have just licked my computer screen. More than once."

    HELL YEAH! Big muscles, clean, no body hair, in sexy Calvins, dripping in beads of moisture make ME drip in moisture!

    KLutz is SO yummy! I do like RPattz with his clothes on, but DAMN can Kellan make my vajayjay purr like a kitten!

    @JJ - THANK YOU! My week's been pretty shitty too. Oh yeah - and you get a big middle finger for the Boy George pic. BLEH! You're lucky you MORE than made up for it or RL Charlie in Forks may have gotten an anonymous tip about the little redhead in glasses...

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  34. @StarlitViolets Hello! I was just looking at your Twitter and saw you've not been on in ages, hope you're ok, sorry you've had a bad week xx

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  35. STAAAAAAN!!! I'm headed to Twitter now. Yeah - it's been crazy! Sheesh.

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  36. 0:38....
    i turned my face in order to continue oggling kellan's package...
    and just drooled...
    my.gosh.

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  37. Yup....it's all Stephenie's fault that we are all a little sluttier these days...blame her!

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  38. I'm soooo way late to this party but damn, I'm glad I got here at last. That Kellan is worth waiting for....YUMMY! He just secured the #2 spot, bumping DH down one more rung on the hotness ladder. 'Thump' went my heart, and 'twitch' went my nether-region....and I liked it~

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  39. He has my husbands sweet-laughing-teasing eyes.. yes Rob vacillates between smoldering and adorkable but I'm a  slave to those eyes... all the rest of his yumminess is just icing on the cake (though I do prefer him in dark hair). 

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  40. I have to echo what @outofthetwicloset said... oh my!!I just can't stop staring at his.. uh...massive package. Oh my.

    **snaps fingers in front of face to break peen trance**

    That said, I'd still pick Rob first too! He's just got that special something that makes me go week in the knees, which is just one of his many magical powers.

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  41. Oh my wow! It was pretty mean what you did with the Boy George pick up top, but you made up for it.

    Mmm mmm good. I am totally team Emmett anyway so this fully made my week. Thank you so much!

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  42. Kellan seems so young, dumb and full of cum, not that there's anything wrong with that....I just need a little more substance.

    Rob is still my #1, even if he only owns one pair of holey black boxer briefs that he has to turn inside out on odd days.

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  43. No worries, JJ - seems like EVERYONE has had that kind of week - me included. Must be a full moon or something.
    I too have been panting over these pics of Kellan - something about his nipples bother me though - I can't quite figure out what. Guess I'll just have to focus on the awesome package. I wish, how I wish Rob had a bod like this. Picture this body with Rob's head......THUD.

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