Tuesday, February 16, 2010

A Tale of Two Vaginas/The Vagina Dialogues/Yay! I Get to Use Vagina in a Title and it's Perfectly Legit!

Like most of you, this past weekend I found myself glued to the computer screen, mouth agape and lady bits all aflutter, as I drooled over some really... nice pictures of Robert Pattinson from Details magazine.

Hellooooo, Daddy...

Eventually I figured it would be a good idea to actually read the damn interview so let's just cut to the chase, shall we? I was debating whether or not to go into a whole breakdown of the interview but... fuck it. Call me lazy, accuse me of having absolutely no attention span - you'd be right on both counts. I thought the article was great and let's leave it at that. But there was one thing he said that kind of threw me for a loop...

I really hate vaginas. I’m allergic to vagina. But I can’t say I had no idea, because it was a 12-hour shoot, so you kind of get the picture that these women are going to stay naked after, like, five or six hours. But I wasn’t exactly prepared. I had no idea what to say to these girls. Thank God I was hungover.
Wha-wha-whaaaa?! [Queue needle-off-the-record sound.]

RPattz doesn't like the furry taco? The bearded clam? Cock pocket ? Love muffin?

This lady really likes her beaver. Even if RPattz doesn't.

I sat there, baffled. I think my own poon gasped in shock. How could Robert Pattinson not like the Tinkleflower?

Needless to say, there were quite a few thoughts racing through my head.

Maybe he's something that rhymes with "hay" (seriously, if you can't figure this one out all on your own... you need help). Now, this might come as a shock, but personally I don't give a flying fuck if Robert Pattinson is gay, straight or likes to do mythological beasts** up the pooper. He's never going to boink me so why would I care?

Is it just me or is this liger presenting???

Of course, I do know a few gay men who happen to think the Mons Venus is quite pretty so there's that. At the same time, while I'm... strictly dickly I can respect the aesthetics of a va-jay-jay, even if I'm not particularly interested in playing with it. After all, I happen to think a man's ballsack looks like a pair of hairy fucking walnuts but this isn't going to stop me from paying a visit to it's neighbor, the purple-headed hooligan.

Anyway, I started thinking that perhaps RPattz hated vaginas because he was just really sick and tired of them hanging all over him. Then again, there is a difference between these twats:


And these twats...


In the end, I imagine that it was more likely just another example of RPattz's quirky sense of humor. Apparently, there is an old British joke about a guy who tells his doctor he's allergic to vaginas because every time he sees one his dick swells up.
Get it? Get it?!

Apparently, a lot of people didn't. Sadly, I'm not surprised...

[STY Note - I almost tweeted something about the fact that male or female, straight or gay, wouldn't most people be a little weirded out if they unexpectedly found themselves spending the day with unfamiliar cooter all up in their face? I mean, he looks amazingly hot in these pics, but part of me just said, "Oh poor adorkable Rob! All that cooch! He must have died!" and not in a good "I've gone to dude-heaven" kind of way.]

** But not, like, real ones because, um, that's kind of icky because, ya know, they're real...


  1. once again you have me laughing hysterically! I had the exact same reaction when I read the article. I assumed he was being sarcastic, but it was a weird thing to say. I'm with you, since he's not fucking me, i dont care who or what he fucks, but I sure would like to watch!!!!

  2. I just think he does bad interviews and really doesn't care how he sounds.

  3. Dunno how people could infer from that article that he's of The Ghey. I totally read it as I'm Totally At A Loss around all these naked model tacos. And all the random fangirl tacos that throw themselves at me.

    If I were to infer anything from the I Don't Like Oonie, it was that maybe he likes Oonie's next door neighbor... the Chocolate Starfish. After all, that IS the going trend in fanfiction :)

  4. Again, I am laughing...Strictly dickly? Squeee..my hubby is a SWAT cop and he has started reading your blog (with my constant insistance) and is spreading your lovely vernacular all over the city...(He's the one who sent the link for "The Word Fuck!")...y'all are too much!! Thanks!

  5. Er, I gotta be honest. I think there is only a very, very, very VERY small chance he might be gay.

    I think he was just being typical awkward goofy RPattz.

    Outside of Twi-land, people are up in arms about this comment. Snarkier Than You mentioned that we maybe we are becoming desensitized this stuff but I don't think he meant any harm.

  6. STY: I 100% agree I think anyone woiuld be like umm, can you get your poon out of my face already. I mean 12 hours, with stranger hoo-hoo. I like dick, but not that much.

    the captcha is rer sperm.. gross!

  7. No where else can you get Rob, vagina nicknames, and a "presenting" liger on the web...no where.

    Bravo bitches.


    **p.s. he is so not "hay"--no "hay" could stand to be as hobotastic as he is.

  8. Oh Edbert, you big kidder, you. And by big I mean I hope his junk gets the kind of anaphylactic shock that those big feet and hands are hinting at. Just sayin.

  9. LMFAO! THANK YOU gals again. I think he's trying to throw the zealots off of his man-gina...but, I'm sure as the experienced ladies we all are, we know better.

  10. I just spit up wine. Nice fucking post. I had a stressful Saturday defending The Precious on various blogs where ignorant pussies were saying awful things about RPatz not like pussy. It's his self-deprecating English sense of humor, people. But, I figure the less frizzy-haired bitches that are after him the better for me, right? He doesn't give a shit what he says, I think we all know that by now. It's all the "others" that don't. Straight, gay, bi - still the most fuckhawt man on the planet.

    Just sayin, if I was around random dick all day, I might not like it too much, and I like dick.
    /end rant

  11. No. I don't think he's gay. He's just 23 and doesn't know any better. Think of the vaginas he's been around.
    Kristen Stewert's mullet monkey?
    Nikki Reed's cavernous cubby hole?
    He just hasn't made it into mine yet. Rob will surely change his mind when his Pretty's in MY Pink.

    (either that or he really is a just boob man)

  12. It's just cause it made his sparkly swell and he was hungover.

    It's not like he could have his way with the naked model tacos(Anntastic23--LOL) while they are shooting? Could he, would he?
    Could we watch and write fanfic later?

    @JJ 4x's very small chance. He's a goof ball having fun with the press.

  13. Hahahahaha! Never in my life have I heard so many diff nicknames for a vag!! You guys crack me up! As for Rob, he'll to the no he's not gay! He's just being random Rob as usual ;)

  14. Too funny! Midway through this post I realized that Twitarded is something akin to that Reader's Digest vocab-builder quiz. The major difference is that you ladies humbly strive to "enrich the word power" of naughty whore flaps like myself. I agree with Amcas-- we just couldn't get this anywhere else on the web! :)

  15. Yeah really. Who wouldn't feel awkward with some random 'nads up one's face for several hours.

  16. OMFG - Just when I think it might be time to leave my Twitarded obsession, I read this and have not laughed so much in ages. Been going thru a rough patch & needed that badly.

    JJ-Checked your tweets today while waiting at the airport. They made me snort in front of my boss. Very hard to explain. Oops

  17. Girl, you effing crack my shit up. "Tinkleflower"??! "Purple-headed Hooligan"??? I love the euphemisms I read on this site. I was laughing through this whole post. You rawk.

    I don't care if he's gay, but I seriously doubt it. I'm going to have a great time imagining his scruffylicious self in all the fanfic I read, either way. YUMMM.

  18. I was at home watching the Olympics when Vagina-Flap 2010 happened. I agree with ya'll. Rob ain't gay (said in a southern brawl. Why? Who the hell knows)
    Rob was being Rob and had word vomit, as normal. I admit, my newly-buffed taco was sad for a moment but quickly got over it when I imagined the words "vagina and 80's porn" coming out of his mouth.
    I was busy reading the "Edward Wallbanger" update (finally!!!!)so didn't post yesterday. Let me loudly declare as in 'New Moon" I am going to be a whore and scream loudly for MORE MORE MORE!

  19. Yes, I must get the name of the thesaurus you use, because yours seems to be much more colorful! For the record, I would think Rob was still Fuckhawt even if he were gay. But I highly doubt he is. I agree with @Amcas that he's much too hobolicious. Anyway, I believe his comments can be attributed to his British sense of humor. And also his Rob sense of humor, which is you know, kind of random. I Love the way his mind works!...his mind...his body...his soul...the whole package! (yes, pun intended!)


  20. Oh My Fucking God!!!!! I'm dying here!

    Bearded Clam
    Furry Taco
    Cock Pocket

    You're killing me, JJ! My sides are sore from laughing so hard! Boy, do you know how to paint with words!!

    Meh...I never read anything into Rob's statement. Just figured it was more Rob "I-Have-No-Inner-Filter" Pattinson shooting his luscious mouth off again.

    My favourite bit was, "Thank God, I was hung over."!

    I lurve this guy to pieces and back again but I can honestly say too, that I just plain LIKE him, yanno??

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  22. If I had that much hooch in my face (or dick for that matter) for 12 hours, I'd shoot myself. Poor guy getting desensitized by the swarming pussy patrol. Sad really ;)

  23. I don't think he is gay either, although my vajayjay did just about close up and cringe when I read that quote.

    Picture it - hung over. Feeling like a piece of roadkill. And then a bunch of ball sacks in your face for 12 hours. I don't care who the ball sacks belonged to - I would think, get these fucking things away from me. Like JJ said, not pretty, but worth the visit. Just not when hungover.

    So with that explanation firmly planted in my mind, my cooch sighed in relief.

    That HAD to be what he meant. Or I may need therapy.

    My word verification is hogit. Derive what you will from that one.

  24. My first reaction after reading this post (other than random snorts & guffaws - yes, I even guffawed!) was the thought that JJ must have been a really interesting child. Can you imagine the hours of precocious entertainment she must have provided?

    As for Rob, I find him entertaining beyond description, and, while I can't explain Vajajay-gate either, I'm not bothered by it. In addition to that British off-beat sense of humor with lack of brain filter, I've also been thinking lately that he's pretty shrewd. His choices lately have successfully made him into a red hot topic of conversation and changed his fan base into a whole new desirable demographic.

  25. OMG,y'all are freaking hilarious! My household (2 kids & a hubby) is asleep so I had to hold in my bursts of laughter and almost popped a blood vessel. Thank you for making me feel normal about my Twilight/RPats obsession. Y'all are the best!!

  26. I'm not a fan of a lot of cocks in my face all at once, and it doesn't make me a lesbian...but it does make me wonder a teeny weeny itsy bitsy bit about Rob. Teeny bit. No one hurt me.

  27. Mucho loved this post. I have to think he enjoys watching us squirm.

  28. Maybe this photo shoot proves his phenomenal acting talent because he doesn't look like he's bugging out or like he's aroused...just incredibly bored.

    Reading this post made me starting singing "Why Can't I Touch It?" by the Buzzcocks and now it's stuck in my head. Thanks a lot.

  29. I am with @mmMoxie (oh and nice Buzzcocks reference too!). I figured he just "got into character" for the photo shoot and it was like working a really long day hungover. I mean he can't be sporting wood while acting with naked or half naked women right...he is probably thinkig about garbage and compost while making that smoldering bedroom eyes look. Or maybe he is thinking about that grumpy that JJ dumped in his trailer.

    As for the comment...anyone that has listened to or read all his interviews knows he is an adorkable freak with verbal diarrhea....or maybe he is just allergic to the pre-pubescent looking bare vag...those girls were little-girl clean..I personally think that looks a little freaky and pedophile-ish but that's just me. I think he likes a bit of the 'bearded' with the clam--he is a happily hairy man. Just my theory.

    I heart him any which way....vagina allergies and all.

  30. never thought i would be responding to this lols it would be the death of me back home :D my theory when i first read the interview is that rob is trying to tone it down with the ladies because of the inevitable buzz it will cause, breaking the hearts of the female population that made his normal life impossible. but now i think after reading u it's just the circumstances of the shoot how long can a man resist if he wasn't hungover I don't know:)

  31. I am over this already. Vented on my blog on Saturday and that was it. I'm starting to think that he was trying to be funny, like you said JJ. I like that British joke.

  32. Oh I totally think the vagina allergy cartoon really explains it. I mean let's not forget the boy is British upper middle class, which means he's socially awkward as fuck around unfamiliar nakedness, but secretly horny as hell (just like me - I totally understand this). his comment "thank god I was hungover" to me says "thank god my boner was less likely to make an awkward appearance as I was feeling under the weather."

    As a chick on Rob's board pointed out earlier today, Kristen in a video interview *basically* outed him as getting an uncontrollable hard-on during their makeout scenes for Twilight. he is so totally not gay, but so horny for girls, and so embarrassed about being horny, that it makes him awkward.

    I bet any money he kept excusing himself during the shoot to jerk off in the bathroom.

  33. You never cease to just make my day! In my perfect little mind-world RPattz lllooooves my veejay! So I really couldn't give a shit!
    But it will be a pity if he is more inclined to have the mentioned "allergic reaction" when he is surrounded by stickshifts!
    Imagine Edward ripping Bella's throat so he can get it on with Mike......sad!

  34. Hilarious! I love the shoot more so because of Norman Jean Roy and yes I'm riding his jock because I'm obsessed with his work.

    Any who, Rob I'll admit does look quite lovely in the pics and I don't care if he is allergic to vaginas because his peen goes on high alert when he sees one or if he is allergic to vaginas because his peen shrivels up because he wishes that vagina was actually a peen. He's hot when styled by someone else so I don't care.

    And is it vaginas or vagina's? Damn grammar check is killing me and I have no friggin' clue.

  35. @ TJB
    punctuation queen says:
    vaginas = plural vag

    vagina's = singular possessive (as in

    "my vagina's walls quake with delirium when rob does *that* look")

  36. The shot of Rob spreadeagled across the bathroom floor in his pearly white pants, moaning in (various states of) pain over the edge of the tub while whats-her-tits taunts him, says it all - "WHY are you DOING THIS this to me??!"

  37. Hilarious!!! I even choked on my coffee...LOL

    I agree with all that Rob was just been his usual dorkable self with his random ramblings, maybe attempting to be funny - it was said after a few pints afterall, we all know there's been plenty of examples!
    One that I always remember, was that interview he and KStew did for MTV back on the set of Twilight, and starts talking about the "Chilean Kiss" between the both of them??? TOTALLY random.....

    Anyhow, "hay" or not (and I do think not) I still heart the gorgeous dorkable guy he is, and his randomness! And as long as the sch-moking photos keep a coming, he can be swing which ever way he wants! ;-p

  38. hmmmm....I think being around naked people in a professional setting is strange (and I was an art major and had to draw many naked men and women). Poor guy has to be all Edward and then try to make small talk with models. Sounds painful to me. Plus I have gotten that he is shy and awkward...I mean what is he going to say?! He has a mother and sister who have to read all this crap...

    PS...plus he is just missing me. As he sat there he thought "Models are all the same...the perky,flat stomached, skinny legged...They are all so boring and iconicly beautiful. I am missing my 5ft 2inch little woman from the midwest and her ample ass and breast."

  39. I could not find this damn mag this weekend. Anyone got there hands on a real copy? Where did you find it? I neeeeeed it.

    Rob is just being Rob in the interview.

    JJ, another crazy funny post!!

  40. Ya dude, I like dick but I don't want it flopping in my face 12 hours straight. I agree with VitaminR - I heart him any which way too! And I really think he was trying to make a joke! That joke!

  41. hey, I just recently started reading your blog after your interview with twigasim. LOVE it!
    as for the small possibility of Rob being gay.... I personally would love it. Im a fan of the slash fics and hot boys getting it on so this works for me. Did you laides see the video on details.com ?? Rob makes the cutest little awkward faces.

  42. Cock pocket - priceless! ;) I love the Precious to pieces, just as you all do, and could care less what his allergies include. I too am of the opinion that he's just being Random Rob and that this is his wry and dry British humor surfacing yet again. He's straight IMO, not that I care. The FF I've read where he swings in different directions is still hot as fuck!

    Details isn't out yet, I think it comes out on Feb 23rd. Oh, and did I tell you that hubby bought me the New Moon movie book for Valentine's Day? He's catching on. ;)

  43. She's back, in full force! Thanks for making me laugh while my kids eat breakfast. If they only knew what mommy was reading and giggling about...
    Def not the word that rhymes with "lay" as in lay your hot body on me lover. He is just not clean enough. And have you ever seen the way he gazes at KStew?
    I don't take anything Robby says too seriously because he doesn't take himself too seriously. And that's why we heart him.
    I love how everyone is saying they felt sorry for Rob having to be surrounded by two strange vaginas all day. It reminds me of how I tell my husband I feel sorry for Hugh Hefner when we're watching Girls Next Door. I tell him Hugh is probably secretly lonely because no one loves him for the right reasons. My husband always replies, "yeah, i feel really sorry for him."

  44. @lisa - ok i think i need to see the video on that - lol! please?? link? anyone??? and that does put the "thang god i was hung over" thing in perspective - i didn't know what to make of that before to be honest - i am dense - lol!)

    : )

  45. LOL @ Snarky:
    Here's the interview:

    OK, so she doesn't say 'wow he had a boner'. It's more that in this joint interview (at the 4 min mark) she's talking about how they clicked at the audition, and says something like 'Rob can't lie, which sometimes is good but sometimes doesn't work to his advantage'. he asks her what she means and she whispers something to him and he goes 'what? lie with my body?!' and she gets all coy like 'you KNOW!' to him. But anyway, it's been interpreted that 'rob's body (aka little rob) reveals rob's true feelings' so he didn't have to 'act' in lust on screen.

    even if you choose to interpret it differently, the interview still has its adorkable rob moments and is worth watching.

    and yes.... I spend too much time thinking about these things...

    but I also agree with those who say they don't care if he's 'hay'. it would just be awesome to see him fuck SOMEone.


  46. You can't overanalyize the adorkableness that is Rob. (and please keep doing it, because it is funny as hell)

    There is nothing more to this than Rob being Rob. Gay never even crossed my mind once. I could totally hear the tone and inflection he used to say this, and it was just him responding to the surreal nature of his situation at this shoot. I couldn't even imagine, and thank god I dont' have to. Hope he got paid well for that one....

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  48. great blog as usual! I've thought many times he could be gay, but then again it could be the way they quoted him. He could have said something before it like "people might think I'm gay, but...." who the hell knows anymore!

  49. @lisa aka punctuation queen - thank you for clearing that up for me.

  50. JJ - What? There was an article with those pictures?! LOL!

    Okay, in truth, I have not read the article. I decided to wait and read one of the multiple copies that I will be buying.

    As far as the vagina quote goes, I have three theories.

    1) Having watched every interview I can get my hands on, he is always, without fail, nervous. Add to that an erotic photoshoot, two naked models, and an "I wonder what my mom and Kristen/Tom are going to think about this?" he was undoubtedly beyond nervous. He has said so many things these last couple of years that cause second-hand embarrassment, that this is just his nervous sense of humor again.

    2) He wanted to send a message to Kristen that he wasn't turned on by the naked hos. (Yes, I'm in love with the idea of Robsten.)

    3) He likes buttsecks.

    I can live with any of those explanations ;)

    I don't care of he's hay, straw, or wheat. I would still eat him up!

    Great post, JJ. Just when I think I can't love you any more than I already do...


    P.S.: Love the Charlie Brown cartoon!!

  51. @Lisa

    4) Kristen doesn't have a vagina


    You know, in between all the wonderfully descriptive word fuckery, there is some pretty brilliant analysis going on here. Rob has attracted some savvy followers.

    My take? He was being facetious. If it was oral (TWSS) rather than in print, I think it would have been obvious.

  52. @Rob's Bitch - You really are a bitch.




  53. Oh man, I cracked up when I read the article, it's just his sense of humor. I mean, you know he will be asked about it in future interviews and he'll just keep saying, "Oh yes, I'm totally allergic to vaginas, and breasts too. All of it." All while thinking it's "hillllarious!"

    So yeah, adorkable, verbal diarrhea, quirkly sense of humor, everything we love about Rob.

  54. Loved Vagina Flap and/or Vagina Gate, BTW. I think those were coined somewhere in the comments? I read them last night and meant to comment.


    v/w: gracd. We are gracd to have Rob keep giving us material!

  55. @ VitaminR "I think he likes a bit of the 'bearded' with the clam"

    I think I may have peed a little from laughing when I read your apt analysis. It's my favorite option thus far. It means I have less vagscaping to do.

  56. He's naturally a nervous, self conscious person, with a couple of naked chicks shoving their furry tacos (lol) in his face for hours. Of COURSE he's going to say something weird and maybe a bit stupid. This is Rob we're talking about.

    As for the 'hay' thing, I have this to add. Not all gay guys dress well. Trust me.

    And is it just me or do those chicks look like department store mannequins?! I literally had to look twice to make sure they were real. If you can call models real.

  57. I've missed you Banshee! Good points all around. Although I can't imagine a "hay" boy embracing the dirrrty the way Rob does. Not that I have any actual knowledge or experience in that area.


  58. Gives new meaning to the term "roll in the hay".

  59. Maybe we can get our scientific asses busy in the lab and create a Benadryl for pussy repelant.

    My gay-dar doesn't go off when Rob graces our screens. Though I do get the sense that he's reffering to his ability to snag a lady. He is increadibly insecure and shy around girls. He says so himself. In past interviews with Rob he's admited to driving girls away by not being himself. That says to me that he doesn't think he's good enough. How sad and UNTRUE. So in my opinion thats what I think he's reffering to; his innability to be suave.

    And to make my point on his non gay status, look at the crew he hangs with in England. Their his boy hood pals. Do they look like a group to hang at the local club, Man Hole?

  60. Only Rob could say he's allergic to cooters and cause such a furor. Gotta admit he looks bored as hell in the photo shoot. As the expression above ("model tacos)*) says, 12 hours of model taco couldn't have been all that exciting after a while, especially if he had a hangover.

    No way is he gay. Gay men never look as hobolicious as Rob, not even on the worst day of their lives!! And only Rob could manage to look hot in M&S purchasing manties. Drool. I would like to get into those manties...once they're on his body.

  61. hahahah --- thought you ladies would like to know that someone has already written a one-shot fic 'inspired' by the Details shoot:


    oh my!


    that being said, this is just another example of his adorkable, quirky humor. god, i love that man.

  63. This is an awesome post! Had me laughing hysterically!

  64. Okay, so I linked this post to my Twilight blog. It's too funny not to share! :)

  65. Gay or not--all I want to is to be the girl in the tub!!!!! Or maybe the one wearing the stockings while topless and taking a photo of him...or maybe the one who's crotch is rubbing the back of his gorgeous head of hair!!! FUCK- I'd be the lint stuck to the couch if I could!!! This photo shoot was HOT!!!

    By the way- someone on Robsessedpattinson.com brought this to my attention. This photo shoot took place at the same sight where Lady Gaga made her Paparazzi video. Check it out:


    Notice the balcony? Bathroom? Interesting...I wonder where this is!??!

  66. @ Lisa----not me of course!!!

    Thanks for sharing the fan fic...that was awesome! I could totally picture it! I just wish they didn't name the model "Bella" that was a little much. But overall- great fucking read!

  67. @ Lisa (other Lisa) my pleasure (and yours)

    and here's another shot from the Details pics just released.


    holy mother of god. I wanna be that woman!

  68. @ Lisa (you, not me!)

    WOAH!!!! Holy holy holy crap!!!!! What a lucky beotch!

  69. @lisa - Thanks for the link to the ff o/s and the twitpic. I have been watching Details.com like crazy for Round 2 of the outtakes. Nothing there yet. I haven't been on twitter at all tonight. Are there more and where are they??

    Lisa (yes, a third one)

  70. hah, so many Lisa's. I'll sign off 'Lisa B.' from now on if that helps.

    @ 17foreverLisa - glad you liked the twitpic and fic. no there's no new outtakes, unfortunately. Apparently that new pic is a small one from the content's page of the magazine itself.


    lisa b

  71. New Details outtake:


    he looks like he's waiting for you to unzip him and give him a servicing. Me like.

  72. @lisa - Can you imagine the line there would be for that?! LOL! Thanks again.

    Lisa P.

  73. hey, I just recently started reading your blog after your interview with twigasim. LOVE it!
    as for the small possibility of Rob being gay.... I personally would love it. Im a fan of the slash fics and hot boys getting it on so this works for me. Did you laides see the video on details.com ?? Rob makes the cutest little awkward faces.


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