Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Has Anyone Seen My Filter? I Seemed to Have Misplaced It.

I'm sure a lot of you can relate to what I'm about to say. In the past couple of years, I have completely lost my brain-to-mouth filter. I no longer think before I speak--sometimes it's ok and funny shit comes spilling out and everyone laughs and no one gets hurt. Sometimes, this is not ok, and dirty shit escapes before I can rein it in.

When I'm around all of my Twitarded friends, the filter is unnecessary because, well, this is a filterless society... right? When I'm out with my real life friends that know about my Twilight obsession, but have no idea of my Twitardedness, the filter is a crucial piece to keeping those friends in the dark. I sometimes forget who requires filtering and who does not. I know my parents always need the filter. Although I did recently tell my mom all about my FanFiction addiction - conveniently leaving out the whole part about how most of it is semi-pornographic and it makes me turn into a big fat slutty whore... she SO does not need to know that about me.

Stop blaming JJ and STY for your lack of a filter.
We all know you've always been a whore (and personally, I like it.)

I never realized how much cursing I do until I go out with people who don't swear. A fucking filter would be handy at times like this. My potty mouth is a direct result of my job where if "fuck" hasn't been blurted out a dozen times before 9am, it's not a normal day. So of course, this word becomes part of my vocabulary and I have a difficult time keeping 'er in check. Especially around kids. Ooops. And my dad is not fond of listening to me spew that kind of filth, which makes it difficult when we play golf together because I want to scream it at the top of my lungs every time I hit a bad shot. Which is often, by the way.

Case in point: dinner out with two girlfriends (mentioned above) the other night. Both have read the Twilight Saga. One has read it just once, has watched the movies, and has never been a huge fan but likes it ok. (Psssssh, what the fuck, dude?!) And the other, well, I've had a bit more influence on her... she's read the books twice, and owns both movies, and is anxious to give FanFic a try (good girl!). So they both know the stories... know I'm nuts about them... know of my impending trip to Forks... know I'm a FanFic addict... buuuuut, I guess neither of them knew I was a dirty whore. But after our dinner? Uh oh--guess the pussy's out of the bag now!

How can you not want to watch these people 24-7? I don't understand...

Somehow, of all things--and I am not saying I steered us in this direction and I'm not saying I didn't--we get to talking about the sparkly parts of vampires while at the restaurant. The conversation went a little something like this:
Mel B.: So do we need to get you some sparkly powder to sprinkle on Mr. Latchkey Wife while he's sleeping?
LKW: Nope, I don't think that's necessary.
MB: Oh ya, that would be hilarious... he wakes up while you're dusting his face with sparkles.
LKW: Um, not his face...
MB: Ahhhhh...
Katie: [puts fingers in ears] La la la la la la, I don't need to hear this...
MB: I am not going to be able to get that image out of my head.
LKW: Sorry. [tries to change subject] You know a sex toy company recently came out with a sparkly dildo called "The Vamp."
MB: Wha? OMG, we are so getting that for you.
LKW: [finds The Vamp on iPhone and proceeds to read the description in my not-so-indoor-voice at the restaurant] Oh right, here it is... it even sparkles in the sun, in case you need to pleasure yourself in the backyard.
KT: [blushes, giggles]
MB: [blushes, giggles; looks away and pretends she doesn't know me...]
The funny thing about the conversation? MB and KT will go home and tell their husbands the whole sparkly story. MB's husband is Mr. Latchkey's bff, so he'll get the whole story too. So I basically came home and said "I'm sure Mr. MB will be calling you soon to tell you all about the sparkly dildo we talked about at dinner." He just looked at me and said "Huh?" Uh, never mind - you'll find out soon enough...

Google "the vamp" - some weird ass (and naked) shit comes up.

Twitarded minds want to know... has the online fandom world of Twilight (or specifically Twitarded) completely stripped you of your natural ability to filter what you say and made people raise their eyebrow at you like you're a freak? Do you think sparkly sex toys are fair game to discuss at brunch? Make random comments about penis size and playrooms in mixed company? Have you found yourself faced with a sea of slack-jawed and appalled faces when you slip up around your non-Twi friends? Share it in the comments - you know we'll understand.


  1. I don't think I've ever had a filter. I do have friends that know the severe deviance in my mind, and those that just choose to giggle and pretend they didn't hear me.

  2. I think it may be like virginity, Once it's gone, it can't be replaced.... I blame the vamp - yeah, no filter for me anymore.

  3. I have no filter when I'm with friends, I'm pretty good about it around family (thank god cuz my momma would slap the fuck outta me if she hear the shit I said!)

    Whoa that sparkle peen pic came outta nowhere! Didn't see that coming....well I guess I shouldn't be suprised LOL!

    "guess the pussy's outta the bag" hahahahaha that's some funny shit!

  4. Yeah, gotta agree with that. I now discuss fanfic at work. That would be in a cube farm in the Bible Belt.

  5. I put the filter on at work and around certain friends. Every now and then I'll say something Twilight related like, "I'm down with the kids" or ask someone if they've been to Isle Esme lately and if they don't get it then I get a weird look every now and then.

  6. Wouldn't it be great if instead of worrying about a filter, you could have a device called the "Phrase Grappling Hook". This way, when you accidentally say the "F" word to your mom, or drop the "Dirty C" word in a crowded elevator of coworkers, or you tell your friends about the super-freaky romp you had last Saturday, and in any one of these situations you feel the cool pangs of someone taking offense and/or losing respect for you, you can use your grappling hook to pull it back in. No harm done.

    Until then, its a balancing act, and I think in any group, whether it be family/Work/friends/blogbuddy, etc, its safe to position yourself (hee hee, position yourself...yes I have the maturity of a 12yr old) so you're not the most offensive, yet not the most dull. But keep in mind, someone needs to be the "William Wallace of Dildo, Vagina, and Disco stick" that frees the group from their conservative ways. Don't look at yourselves as potty-mouths or whores...you are PIONEERS!!! Maybe your one friend went home offended. But maybe...just maybe, her husband throttled the ever-loving-shit out of her after they talked about "the vamp". That, my friends, is what true friends do for each other...and bless all those who have the selflessness to do so.

  7. LMFAO!<~~~~ All of my comments on your posts start with that. Kudos Bitch.

    Anyhoo, I have always had a penchants for saying Fuck at inappropriate times, but I think this whole twidom has increased that slip-up.

    My close colleagues know about my addiction...ALL of it. But everyone else...eh. I'm not too proud to brag....I just bring it up if the situation presents itself. Say if someone says "What did you have for lunch?" I say, "SPARKLY PEEN!" jk

    Moving on. Great post, you rock and you already know it.

    XO J

  8. i've always been a disgusting pottymouth but, being a vet, i have to try to be professional. recently though i've found myself talking to coworkers about fanfic (they think i'm a complete perv) and referring to clients who piss me off as twats. luckily the people i work with are also lacking class, but my clients would probably be disturbed if they knew what i was discussing while cutting their animals nuts off.

    i say fuck RL! long live the sparkle peen and fifty shades!

  9. Not only has my brain-mouth filter completely imploded, my facial expressions give my thoughts away before the verbal diareah spews forth. If something reminds me of Fifty, or sparkly peens, or something as insignificant as Forks' dreary weather, a smile stretches across my face like a deranged Grinch. My husband knows exactly whats going on in my mind now... and frankly, that scares the crap out of me. I am completely transparent about my Twilight obsession, so much so that my mother asks me about Twilight related subjects just to make conversation. I know, here, in Twitardia, thats not really a bad thing, but in the real world...

  10. I have a pretty good filter with my non-Twi friends. I did email a few of my purist Twi-friends a link to some fanfic (those are the ones that just read the books and movies -- no blogs, no fanfic -- how f'ing boring).. anyway... I sent them links asking them to dip their toe into the fucking fantastic world of fanfic, and I haven't received any reply yet. They've either been scared away, or are so involved in the fanfic that they haven't had time to reply. I hope it's the latter...

    ... thank god there's Twitarded to go to when I need to talk about how HOT MoBS was this last update (f'in H.O.T!!!)... or how I'm dying for a Master of the Universe update!! CHRIST is that one hot story. Definitely need the Shamwow panties for that one!

    And speaking of fabulous fanfic, THANK YOU JJ for the 15 Step update!!! =}

    Side note... is it wrong that my husband bought a new cologne that I didn't like at first, but like now b/c he said he read in GQ that it's what RPattz wears and that's why he bought it. I was like, hmmmmmm, this is starting to smell really goooooood, but I don't remember reading that anywhere... my hubs admitted that he was just joking about RPattz... but I still kinda like the cologne now. Just the idea of him wearing it makes it hotter. Hah! I'm sick.

  11. Holy fuck! "Um, not his face." 'Bout damn right, it's a beautiful day. I never had a filter, and have been dropping F-bombs around Mommypants and G-ma for about 5 years now. They know there's no reigning me in. But I am aware that I have this problem. And almost everyone knows I have a Twi-fetish, so there's no batting eyelashes when I say things like "Holy shit, MoBS/MotU/H&D/TT made me cum all over myself" on my facebook (that has no RL filter). My name is my name is my name. If you can't deal...Hide me.

    I must say, though...I do try to avoid references to Twi/fanfic/Twitarded when I'm out in public. With certain public. You kinda have to. No one likes to get kicked out of restaurants.

    WTF do I know...I'm drunk from my Tuesday Hawaiian Shirt Happy Hour and I don't have anything smartly snarky to say. TTYL, bitches.

  12. My filter has become permanently damaged. It just lets everything through. Probably much like my liver.

    While at a party last weekend (and sufficiently sloshed) I called a friend who usually has a dirty mouth, a "cunt" very quietly in her ear. I realized by the surprised look on her face that I had never actually heard her say anything worse than "fuck." She says it a lot.

    So anyway "the cunt" went around in her drunken state and told the non-foul-mouthed ladies what I said. I was quite embarrassed. Apparently people have an impression of me that I am quite angelic or some shit like that.

    Mutha fuckin Asstards!

  13. Oh yes. I am out of town on business today, and yesterday I was talking to a client about a situation where she got got fucked by a big donkey dick. And I told her that. In those words, without even thinking about it. She looked at me like I had just grown a dick between my eyes. Jesus, I hope she is still my client after this trip through hell is over.

    I have always kept my filter in place. Since finding my kin here at Twitarded, the filter is slowly evaporating.

  14. Shit! I'm suppose to have a filter? Holy hell where was I when that memo was being passed around.... Damn.

    And you best believe, that the sparkle peen...and several other sex related items linked to Twilight....have made their way around my conversations more than the hooker workin' the local corner.

    ....Not to mention when their is any kind of alcohol involved the word-vomit is like five times worse, and much, much sluttier than normal.

    PS. Great Work as usual!

  15. Uh, yeah...I never had a fucking filter. But it never really mattered until I got as drenched in the fandom as I am. I used to just be a loudmouthed, smartassed, tool. Now, I routinely say shit that borders on assault to the unsuspecting public.

    Case in point:

    2 weekends ago I'm at the bachelorette party of a very close, long time friend who knows me well and is not surprised by any fuck that spews from my mouth. Some of the other partygoers were a different story. We had some drinks and played some silly games before the party bus (first class all the way hookahs) came to pick us up. We were putting on nametags so we could have 'alter egos' whilst we club hopped and drank our fucking faces off. Natch.
    Everyone was picking pussy names like Dirty Donna and Busty Betsy (names have been changed to protect the innocent), and it comes my turn...I'm asked who I want to be and I bust out with Susie Snatchface. *crickets*

    I forgot that most women CANNOT hear the word snatch as it relates to female genitalia. Oooooops.

    After a brief silence, I was renamed Trixie.

    I should not be allowed to talk to people at this point.

    Love you LKW! Can't wait to sign your sweatpants in FOOOOORRRRKKKKSSS!!!

  16. I must have a biodegradable filter because I think it is slowly disinegrating...no thanks to you! I have managed to shock a few friends in recent months but I don't really care that much...I find it hard to reel it in...somehow I manage.

    One friend and I have started texting each other names for twats when we are bored. Makes kids soccer games a lot more interesting. The other moms act very curious about what might be so funny..heh-heh.

  17. BAHAHAHA This post was amazing! I think I commented a while back about what Twitarded is doing to my filter. I had a Twi-marathon party this weekend with my roommate (natch) and I made a comment about the Sparkle Peen like it was no big deal and she stared at me openmouthed before she started laughing her ass off!

    Also, @ Cupcake Donna - your last "Motha fuckin Asstards!" left me ROLLING!!!!!

    @smartEpantz - I propose that you change your username to Susie Snatchface! Love it!!!

    Man I love you bitches.

  18. Hey

    I only recently discovered you crazy ladies and you had me at

    "Holy Fuck My vagina shrieked"

    I'm trying to find ways to quote you on that in casual conversations

  19. @Amanda ~ Teehee. I'm pretty well set as smartEpants...(prepare for shameless whorey self stimulation)you should check me blog! Do it.
    Of course I'm open to new ideas...like snatchEface for instance. Not bad.
    Or lickEsnatch...hmmmm...or possibly...mesnatchErobscock? Yezzz...I like the way you think.

  20. Holy Fuck! You tart faces are corrupting my soul!

    I used to have some sort of filter but as I work in an airline environment it used to be pretty thin to start with! But since I discovered you bunch of dirrrrty whores and you deviled me by introducing me to fanfic.....my filter has vanished like Bella's hymen on Isle Esme!

    I have turned into such a foulmouthed twat that I even tend to shock my fellow cabin crew!

    But if I go down, I take someone with me! So I am corrupting as many as I can with me, by sending fanfic and Twitard links on a daily basis!

    You fucking rock my world you VAMPS!

  21. filter? what filter? I've never used the fucking language filter, but I do try to hide my Twitardedness around some people. I mean, I have two FSEs, an EC poster, and 4 [count 'em FOUR] RPatz oversized "calendars" in my office, so, yeah, my co-workers kind of suspect something is up. But only two of them know about the FanFic addickshun.

    @ smartEpantz - I played paintball with a bunch of women last weekend and for my "game name" I used one from JJs bands - PEN15. After I sent my name out in an email, I cringed because maybe that was too inappropriate, since I don't know all of them that well. But no worries, they didn't even get it!

  22. I just had this conversation with my Twitarded friends yesterday. The day before, my husband and I were driving to an appointment and we were in rush hour, and there was this woman walking across the cross walk in front of us. She was going sooooo slowww...you know the type. Well, I blurted out "Hurry up you fucking twat!". My husband's jaw just dropped! He said "A few years ago when I used that word you reamed me for it!" and I said "No, that was 'C u next Tuesday' wasn't it?" and he said "Noo...it was that one". So I told my twi-buddies about it and said "I guess it comes from all the Sopranos re-runs I've been watching lately" and one of them was like "No way! It's from the Twitarded board, they use twatwaffle all the time and you've used it in emails and shit". I didn't even realize...bad ladies...bad!!

  23. Aw guys, this is totally off topic, but have you guys seen this? So cute: http://tweetbaggery.com/2010/04/09/funny-celeb-tweets-thats-pretty-adorable/

  24. I've always cursed like a mother-fucking sailor, but have tried to curb the tendency since having kids. No, wait, I meant I've tried to curb the tendency IN FRONT of my kids. In the past I had always shied away from words like cunt, pussy and twat, but somehow they have now worked their way into my daily vocabulary. Oh well, at least you ladies understand me! :)

    Non-twi friends? Who needs 'em?! J/k, luckily mine don't live near me because I'm sure they'd have dumped my ass by now! Thank gawd for my little twilight club at work, I don't know how I'd get through the day without them!!

  25. The filter has been gone for quite some time...long before Twilight. My family/friends believe my obsession with the series and the Man (so damn pretty) is grounds for immediate commitment to a psych facility. I have successfully turned a few friends into Twifans, but I WILL NOT share the fan fic. It's mine I tell you, MINE!

  26. I am SO glad this is not something that afflicts only me (oh and Jenny Jerkface - I'm pretty sure she was born without a filter!)

    Frankly, if I had to switch jobs, my mouth would get me fired in like 37 seconds. LOL!

  27. I drank away my filter in college. Not that the filter was ever particularly useful. I think I was about 11 when I first uttered "fuck" in front of my mom...who was none too thrilled about it but couldn't really say much as she has such a dirty mouth that she created a word for her ex (dickfuck). In any case, any semblance of a filter I might have had remaining has been beaten out of my by fanfic and this blog. I thank you since it appears as though my boss and coworkers are constantly entertained by the insanity that comes out of my mouth :-)

  28. I used to have a filter but lately I find myself more and more on the receiving end of aghast looks from people who want to wtf that profanity was that just escaped my lips... and i am pretty sure people hide their children from me. meh.

    : )

  29. i may have said something about riding crops/paddles to my very confused bf...:)

  30. One of ML's bandmates said once that he never heard anyone swear as much as I do.

    And I think I actually described someone as "cunty" to mommy (nota)Jerkface once. She wasn't amused.

  31. This comment has been removed by the author.

  32. @JJ - Like I said... born with no filter. Poor M(not a)J!!

  33. The loss of my filter has been a combination of my workplace and twilight...although it's more the fan fic that's gotten me spouting all sorts of naughty things.

    My office brings out the "fuck" and other lovely swear words...the fan fic brings out the "i just wish he would grab me and fuck me up against a wall" kind of comments that i have been spewing lately to my friends...thank God they find it hilarious.

    I'm ok with it though. I like it.

  34. Because I've never had a filter I've never been too embarrassed by my own behavior. My mom swore like a sailor so I blame her; my first word was 'shit' and she bragged about it like the proud mama she was. It's funny that I have a surprising number of uber prissy friends, I think they live vicariously thru my pervy thoughts which I readily share with them. I guess I get off on their blank stares and the blushing. They think I make this vocabulary up... little do they know I've stolen plenty from you fellow Twitards, thanks!! I do have 1 rule - I never swear in front of my daddy. I'm still his little girl and I would never want him to know what a dirty hOOr I truly am.

    v/w - shrot (combo of shit rot) That cunt can shrot in hell!!

  35. I was born without a filter, for sure. Been dropping F-bombs like a muthafuckin' blitzkrieg since I could speak.

    Personally, I think it's better this way, and I'll tell you why...

    Have you ever SEEN a filter? Like, a pool filter with its dead leaves, bugs and slimy shit? A dryer lint trap with dust bunnies that have devolved way past being cute? They're horrendous. All nasty and packed with shit that no one wants, right?
    Had my brain a filter, it would be packed TO THE HILT with awful, profane, filthy shit. God only knows what type of defective human being I'd turn out to be if all the fucks and cunts and vamps and dicks were all trapped in my psyche!
    You gotta let that noise out, man! Unleash it on an unsuspecting society!
    See? It's like your mind breathing a sigh of relief. A dirty, dirty sigh of relief.
    It makes me a better person. Yes, it makes the people around me trying to enjoy a nice meal in a quiet restaurant very uneasy, but who gives a fuck about them, right?

  36. I get "talked to" at work all the time. It's not about cursing though, but my manner and content. Wasting. their. time. I am what I am.

    I do avoid children though. It's too fucking difficult to have to avoid saying fucking. Excrutiatingly uncomfortable to have to think about EVERYTHING that comes out of my mouth - so I stay away. If I can't just talk to you as I naturally am, I won't talk to you.

  37. My mouth has gone from occaisonally potty mouth to complete sewer mouth. Thanks to fanfic, I used "cock-blocked" in an actual conversation. So not normal me!!

  38. @JennaVendetta, I am totally with you - you gotta let the dirty stuff flow, otherwise it gets all backed up in there!

    Also, I just remembered that time I spent the summer working at a summer camp with 8 year old girls - after dropping something, I definitely said, "Oh, shit," loudly and in front of a full bunk! 42 innocent little eyes stared up at me in shock, and all I could say was "Darn! I mean darn! Never repeat that, girls, it makes kittens cry."

  39. I try really hard to filter when I'm around kids, but anyone who knows me in RL knows that all bets are off, otherwise. I love swearing and always have, so that's nothing new to my friends. I will say that finding other people who make everything dirty and Twilight related here in Twitardia has caused me to accuse some RL friends of being prudes, too. Ha.

    Best example of being filterless as a result of Twitardia: Watching "New Moon" with Vitamin R at the theater making loud raunchy comments whenever possible and laughing hysterically at anything that could be construed as sexual innuendo. I'm sure we annoyed the hell out of others in the theater but we had a great time!

  40. My big slip up... Me and 4 other friends who have all read the saga and seen the movies, went on a girls weekend. So we were drinking and shizz and twilight came up. So of course I start going on and on about fanfic. (cause im the only one in the group who's a crazy addict) I started to explain AU and AH stuff and then for some reason I decided to share with them that Im a big ole' slash h00r. *cue slacked jaw faces* Yeah they didnt really understand why I would want to read about Edward plowing Jaspers ass. *shrugs* After that I decided I shouldnt mention my love for BDSM fics.

  41. my brain works faster than my mouth all the time anyway, therefore, i say some weeeeiiird shit. stuff that surprises even me sometimes. it's become a way of life.

  42. I have a convenience filter. When I feel it is convenient to say FUCK, I do. When it is not I say FART. I know what I mean so I chuckle to myself.

    Now, I did say TwatWaffle in front of my family and they laughed. I told them I got it here. I heard my daughter say it once and said what did you say? and she said, you heard me. LOL!

  43. @Kitty_Elvis--that was so fucking hilarious!!!! We were cracking up during the break-up scene in NM (you know the scene where you are supposed to get all weepy). Edward: "I don't want you to come!" Bella: "You don't want me to come?" Bwahahahahaha! The poor, poor people in the theater...I am sure they hated us. Oh well we had a blast.

  44. So I have mentioned before that I teach elementary school, so I really, really try to turn on the filter. Of course I am having private inappropriate thoughts all day, like when we use glitter for instance. I also go to Robertisbothered.com during the school day and laugh my ass off to try and keep myself from imploding. Occasionally I speak in a british accent which cracks me and the kids up. Bet you all are hoping I'm not your kids teacher!!;)

  45. I'm just back from a family vacation 24/7 spent with either parents or brother in the same room and I seriously wish you'd written this post BEFORE I went away. So, from what I read here, I'm the only dumbass who didn't know we were supposed to have a filter? I understand now why my Mom seems constantly worried about my ability to fit into RL, and why my brother looks at me like I'm scary sometimes. I have felt so free and so liberated in the wonderful land of Twitardia, I forgot the people around me hadn't reached that point yet. (Oh, and if my experience can help anyone, Domward and clit piercing are not family-friendly topics for dinner, but then again I guess I should have figured that out all by myself, right?pff, I'm so useless).
    Fuck, girls, I missed you!

  46. I can't help but laugh my ass off reading your comments... a filter? Right, so that's it?

    Like a couple of others here I'm a teacher, college,,, and find myself getting so foul mouthed in class I wonder I haven't been ratted on yet, although a few of the "kids" say that I inspire them by being to real... of course, my reality and theirs is vastly different. I'm living in a dream world; they are living with mom and dad.

    Family is another ball game,,, especially the born-againers who are wondering how I could have been turned so by the dark side and are all praying for me to see the light, their way, of course. The family dinner invites are fewer and few all the time... Good, at last, they've been fucking boring me to death, for years anyway.

    I find such fun in all the Twi/shit and can't get enough of the pretty... so, if not for you'all I wouldn't have anyone to talk to at all...

    I love you crazy whores... keep up the creative work!

  47. thanks to smartEpantz for pointing me in the direction of this post.

    Had a moment today where Twitardia and RL almost blended that I thought you could appreciate.

    My boss sent out an email to all the District Managers. At the end he said, "who is going to win, non, DOMINATE today?"

    Without thinking I immediately hit Reply All and typed, " Just let me go home and get my special boots on and I'll be all set.". A second before I hit send my brain started screaming at me, "What the fuck are you doing?!?!?!?!".

    Long story short, didn't send it but Holy Shit. That came WAY too naturally... :) Gonna get myself in trouble here real soon.

  48. So a few months ago after a friend I ushered in to the fantasticness that is Twitarded introduced me to the superfuckinlichiousness that is Fan Fic I walked into work at oh about 3 pm, saw a co worker who also happens to be a twi friend, I said waaayyyyyy too loud ( I work at a craft store and we were right at the registers) "Oh my God Hillary I found this twilight fan fic online and it's so smutty!!!! It's FANTASTIC, I'm talking wallbanging!!!!!" That's when I realized there were about four amish ladies checking out two registers down......so no, I don't thinnk Twilight necessarily impairs your filter lmao.


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