Tuesday, June 15, 2010

Dear Forks, I'm Scared... Please Hold Me.

I have a little confession to make… this trip to Forks is starting to scare me. Well, my liver specifically. Don’t get me wrong, I like to drink as much as anyone, but you see, I’m a little out of practice. I’m basically a social drinker. I haven’t gotten shitfaced in a very long time and I’m certain this will change the minute I step off the plane in Seattle. Who the fuck am I kidding? I’ll be shattered by the time I step off the plane in Seattle.

This t-shirt will be mine! Someone buy it for me, mkay?

There’s a very good reason why I don’t get drunk often. For one, I turn into a person my husband doesn’t enjoy being around. And secondly, the hangover fucking kills me. This surprises me because I’m descended from a long line of professional drinkers. My dad drinks gin like it’s the only thing that keeps his heart beating, and my mom enjoys the scotch and wine. My grandmother lives for happy hour and “It’s 5 o’clock somewhere,” is routinely muttered at some point during any family gathering.

Oh like you've never said it before!

So I guess I need to start getting my body, and especially my liver, into shape. And I’m also going to need a babysitter. I’m just putting it out there now because I tend to do really, really naughty shit when I’m drunk. (It’s probably a good thing I don’t do it that often – I’d probably be divorced right now if I did. And possibly in jail.) I need to be watched like a hawk. One night, after the bars closed, and my friends were chatting up a couple guys they met, I was bored so I started peeling stickers off the cars of complete strangers. Not only regular stickers but the fucking registration stickers from license plates. What a complete asshole thing that was to do, but hellooooo? Alcohol is my Mr. Hyde. It could get ugly.

See I knew JJ would pass out in inappropriate places... fucking lush.

A word of warning if you sign on to be my keeper, your main assignment is to make sure I don’t end up making out with any guys. This tends to be a problem for me when consuming mass amounts of booze. Now I’m sure we won’t have to worry about loads of hot guys milling around the bar in Forks, so I don’t foresee this as a huge issue. I don’t generally tend to put on the beer goggles when I’m drinking so that’s a plus. I totally only go for the hot dudes. And I’m happily married so I’m hoping to use the wedding ring as a reminder to Slutty Latchkey to stay hidden away. Sometimes it’s hard. She’s such a whore.

FYI, you pull me off of this and it will be the last thing you ever do. Just sayin.

But my biggest fear is what happens after the beverages have been drained and we stumble back to our respective rooms. And let me tell you, barfing is the least of my fucking problems. Scared? Now I’ve never been drunk enough to piss the bed, but my dad got so drunk one Christmas (the year Mr. Latchkey decided it was a good idea for he and my dad to polish off a fifth of Bombay Sapphire) that he pissed in the fucking refrigerator. Yup, you read right, my mom had just finished cleaning up after Christmas dinner and my dad, who had been passed out in his recliner, got up, opened the fridge, and proceeded to pee all over its contents. Not good. Never in my entire life have I wanted to be somewhere else so badly! I truly hope this is not genetic.

Always coordinate puke buckets with footwear. Plus puke bucket on lap saves you from falling off the shitter when you pass out. Drinking 101, duh.

If I can refrain from pissing anywhere but the toilet, and not end up in the back of some strange guys van, I will declare Forks a raging fucking success. So which one of you lovely bitches is going to step it up and make sure I don't make a complete fucking asshole of myself? Anyone? Hello? Oh, and Jenny Jerkface would probably not be a good person for this job since she has a hard enough time keeping herself from being an asshole... or from passing out in the gutter. I'll take anyone but her...

52 comments:

  1. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  2. Sorry. English fail there. Had to correct it.

    Don't look at me. I'm a high maintenance drunk too. I will, however, have a little something to help with the hangovers ;)

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  3. Rock_my_gyspy_soulJune 15, 2010 at 9:42 PM

    LMAO! Whoo-hoo! FINALLY someone has beat my own story of pissing in a boyfriend's bureau drawer!

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  4. Hey, I am only one person. I can't baby sit ALL of you!!!! LOL!!! I am scared for the same reason you are LKW: YOUR LIVER! I don't drink at all and I am scared of how that is all going to play out with you crazy ladies. Is there anyone else out there who is a non-drinker that I can hide with when the crazy gets crazier?? LMAO!!!!

    What am I thinking????

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  5. P.S. What size shirt do you wear?? ;)

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  6. LMFAO!! I was just saying to VitaminR the other day that I need to pace myself on this trip because I don't want to end up falling asleep (aka passing out) like I did while talking to Mrs. P the other night on the phone after a round of drunk tweeting.

    I don't want to wake up the next morning looking for the nearest axe because I want to cut off my head before it explodes.

    I need a babysitter to keep me from social smoking. That's what really gets me in trouble the next day. I don't look remotely as hot as smokin' Rob, either ;)

    The more I think about it, we're going to need a FORKS Drinking 101 before we go, LKW.

    @CC - Don't be giving away all of our stash ;) Is Twilove1 our designated driver? All I know for sure is that you're in charge of music in the van since Twilove1 and I have been banned from making any selections. LOL!! XXXOOO

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  7. A) I don't puke. Ever. Okay, maybe not ever but very rarely. I have what I call a "turkey timer". I can drink and suddenly BING! it's time for me to go the fuck home and go to bed. No hangover, no pukey, nuthin'.

    b)In my late teens, I totally peed in a laundry basket of clean clothes. I was wondering why their toilet seat felt so nice, fluffy and downy fresh. I REPEAT -- I WAS IN MY TEENS. Not like that makes it much better.

    @Dangrdafne - I do believe there are quite a few non-drinkers going so you should be safe. I think, anyway... :P

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  8. My husband is starting to question why he agreed to me going on the Forks trip. I definitely will keep this post from him, but he is wondering why I am laughing so hard i'm about to pee my pants--in our bed.

    I don't drink lots, a glass of wine or two (maybe 3 since it is a special occasion).

    FoRkS!! Cannot wait. Ugh, it's not till Septmeber, wait is there a counter for that date?

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  9. I'm sorry to let you down LKW but I will NOT be the person saving you from making an asshole of yourself. I'm going to FFOOORRKKKSS to push my liver to it's limit and mingle with all you fine whores, I mean ladies. I'm from Wisconsin - drinking is what we do here and making an ass out of one's self is actually expected and not looked upon negatively. I apologize now for my future behavior and for any people I inadvertantly offend. I'm sure I'll piss somebody off. And speaking of pissing, I've never pissed on anyone or anything but I have wet my pants laughing too hard so that's a big possibility. I've birthed 3 children, the last one being a 10 pounder and no number of Kegel's will ever give me the bladder control of my youth.

    Regarding the "making out with any guys." I will pray for some dudes hot enough to flirt with in Forks but I'm thinking you're right, we probably won't have to worry about that.

    @17foreverlisa The social smoking gets me everytime. I know it will happen and if I have a hangover that's why.

    Slutty Micki comes out to play if there's a dance floor. j/s

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  10. PMSL!!!!!!! god i wish i was going with u lushy hoors!!!!! of course id need a babysitter too, so that prob wouldnt be good!!!!! LOL, and as far as crazy pissing stories go, i peed in the back of a cop car, with a FUCKHAWT cop in the front, and the best part, i ended up going out with the cop for a few months after that!!!!! TRUE STORY!!!!! i love u crazy hoors....nbow i have to go wash my face cause i have mascara running down it from fucking laughing so hard!!!!!!

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  11. Been to Forks already...walked the town. Saw the sights. No good bars and definately no good-looking men. Your all safe as shit. Just sayin'

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  12. Just a thought: The Twilight Tour bus could be an all-weekend rental for us gals. Kind of like the party buses we have here in Minneapolis...only Forks boasts sparkle bus. Ha!

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  13. *wipes tears from eyes*

    @LKW - I feel SO BAD for your mom on Christmas...that is the funniest shit I have ever heard.

    @Dangrdafne - I am also pretty much a non-drinker....you and I have a date to laugh hysterically at everyone else!!

    Epic I tell you EPIC!!!!! Is it September 30th yet?

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  14. @LKW - I'll watch you the first half of Friday night!

    @dangrdafne,toefunny - I'm a pretty light drinker(2 beers max) so I can help keep an eye on the "ladies". I'm at the age where drinking mostly makes me sleepy and this is one party I want to be awake for.

    @17foreverlisa - hang with me and you'll never want to smoke again.

    BTW no bar/restaurant/etc. smoking in the great state of WA. The only reason I actually set foot in a bar these days.

    My ex once peed under the table in the entry hall.

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  15. @LKW---I'll help you if you help me draw a mustache on Lisa when she falls asleep on me while I'm talking to her. Deal? Deal...
    Maybe I'm the wrong person to ask..

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  16. Fuck, I still don't know if I'm going yet, but I REALLY want to.

    @Dangrdafne and the non-drinkers: I don't drink much. Shocking, I know, being Irish and my dad being a pilot and all, but true. So you might be able to add me to the list if I magically come up with the money.

    I don't know any drinking stories involving pee, but I do know someone who woke up about eight feet up a big public sculpture/monument thingy with no idea how he got there and a cop poking him and telling him "Sir, you're causing a scene."

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  17. Bwahahaha! The post and subsequent comments have me crying!! My bff's ex-boyfriend got drunk and took a shit in her silverware drawer. Since you all are staying at hotels, you should be safe from that act of jackassery. Cheers!

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  18. SO my bf and I are still saving fundage on hopes to get to FFFFOOOOORRRKKKSSS in the fall with y'all, we've got transportation covered but I'm starting to think I need to seriously pad my drinking fund! Don't worry I'll babysit - my drunkenness only leads me to lose my mind to mouth filter, so I can watch out for heinous fuckery :)

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  19. I too am PMSL at this post and the comments to follow. I will freakin' prostitute myself if I have to...I must go to FORKS. Thank gawd I reserved a room.

    As for drinking & pissing in crazy places...my Mom told me that my Dad pissed in the closet once & also all over the stereo in the entertainment center...both after nights of drinking.

    As for puking...I don't do it often. As long as I don't mix or do shots. Also more often than not I have a little warning that goes off...kind of like JJ...it tells me enough & I stop. But who knows what will happen with you crazy bitches.

    xo J

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  20. PS and as for being drunk...I also lose my mind to mouth filter, but I know I'll be in good company ;)

    w/v "CHEMO" -christ, hope that's not a sign.

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  21. i was doing a google search for "possible nice ass"(don't ask) and this came along..
    http://wbx.me/l/?p=1&u=http%3A%2F%2Ffeedproxy.google.com%2F%7Er%2Fcelebuzz%2FkEGh%2F%7E3%2FwYxqLbQbKqA%2Fgreat_news_we_might_see_robert_pattinsons_butt_soonish.php..
    yeah..
    how come this was not EVER discussed here???..
    pattinson + possible ass shot = no squee??

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  22. Ummmm since you are my roommate LKW I figured that duty fell to me....but it looks like you just bought me some freedom. You are the best roommate EVER...XO.

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  23. @Lisa - If I have to be the designated driver, then I'm going to torture you guys by picking the music. Don't make me break out the Bieber. I can't believe you're treating me this way after I agreed to sleep with you.

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  24. @Dangrdafne...I don't drink...but I do dance on tables and get in fights without the help of drinks ;)I am going to be scoping out the town for a RPatz sneaking around in beanie....must stay sharp.

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  25. Y'all are hilarious. Even though I don't know any of you, I'm thinking I need to come to FORKS! Any pointers on how to go the husband to agree to this????

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  26. @LKW, I'm pretty sure I couldn't convince or coerce drunk you into doing anything, so I would be a worthless babysitter. However, I will contribute by taking the pictures. You're welcome :)

    @Dangrdafne, not a big drinker here. Let's just say that I've learned my lesson the hard way - repeatedly - so I keep it in control these days. I'll hang out with you at the laughing-at-the-drunks-and-posting-videos-on-youtube table.

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  27. @ All the non and light drinkers - I am feeling much better now :) Just make sure we all double check before leaving home that we have our cameras and video cameras primed and ready for all the drunken crazies ;) LOL!!!!

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  28. OME, this shit is funny. LMAO @ the post, and then these comments! Fuck!

    @JJ - don't think I didn't notice you peed in SOMEONE ELSE's laundry basket of clean clothes. ;)

    @LKW and everyone else whose Dad or BF peed/shat somewhere they shouldn't have - my Dad used to get up to go pee when he was drunk and my Mom would follow him around, making sure he got to the toilet. I would be in my room and just hear him stumbling around and her going, "The bathroom this way! DON'T PEE THERE!!! THAT'S NOT THE TOILET!!!"

    I'm worried about my liver, too. That's why I'm in training for the trip. ;)

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  29. Being a total non-drinker, I would gladly volunteer for babysitting duty with Dangrdafne. I can drive standard and stick shift. I've got a nasty mouth and a wicked right hook which I'm happy to use if needed. What I don't have is a plane ticket to Forks or the fundage to get me there. If you all want to hire me as the babysitter, let me know! ;)

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  30. @ VermontserMom4Edward - Wait? What? I thought you were going??? I am soooo sad now. Truly how can I help, if I can??? I want you to go. I remember that you are a non-drinker (and they are hard to come by in this group lol) and I was so happy that I knew one person I could hang with while in FFOORRKKSS and there would be no drink on the table :) What's the saying? sad panda face :(

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  31. @Dangrdafne: believe me, I am equally sad and with a really sad shape shifting Osa Bella white bear face. I was supposed to go with a girlfriend (who is not nearly as Twitarded as we are) but she got knocked up and isn't going. Then Mr. Monster has basically shit a brick over my FF and Twi obsession, and would probably piss in my fridge and shit in my silverware drawer if I spent any money on a plane tix to Forks. I am not adverse to running away from home in order to make this trip, I just have to figure out a way to fund it so I can tell Mr. Monster that it didn't cost us anything.

    Can I be like the Fresh Air Twitard?? Anyone have tons of frequent flyer miles, maybe they could get me a ticket?? Then I can sleep in someone's dresser drawer, as long as you promise not to pee on me.

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  32. Bwahaha love it peeing in the fridge that made me laugh out loud, good thing there are only a few people at work right now.

    I can't say that I've peed anywhere I shouldn't have and I definitely won't be babysitting you. Why well honey I'm from a small Canadian town and what do we do best... well drink of course! The town that I grew up in the main street is only four blocks long, but in that four blocks are four bars and three restaraunts with liquor licences. Let's not forget the summertime fun of ball tournaments which mean beer hardens and the summer long weekend of mayhem when the town celebrates Ladysmith Days which means both ball trounaments and loggin sports at the beach. You can stagger from the beer garden at the ball tournament through town and down to the beer garden at the loggin events. Hot Damn! This is how I spent most of my 20's and 30's. I must admit that I have calmed down a bit in my drinking habbits and the hangovers suck big time now.

    Oh and you should know I'm kind of a shit disturber when I get drunk. Yah I'm the one who thinks of the crazy shit and tries to coax everyone into doing it along with me. Like the burning of MYG's Osa Bella's Derek in effigy! I've already started on the effigy of Derek, we just need a beach bonfire and a bunch of drunken twitards to burn him....

    Bwahaha verification word bacol..
    Mmmm bacon and alcohol how fitting!

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  33. OWWW!!! I did a hardcore ab work out yesterday, LKW! Why the fuck you makin' me laugh like this! I can't tell if the tears are from pain or humor!

    I, too, am a little worried for FOOORRRRKKSSSS!!! Mostly because if I spend too much money, I'll be in DEEP SHIT with the bf. Not only is he funding my whole trip, he's also only about 85% sure this trip is a good idea. Especially b/c I'll be with neverthink/Derrydown Green/"I haven't been on Twitarded in forever" and he's a worrier.

    As for the alcohol, bring it. I am a seasoned professional, and I have a little trigger in my mind that makes me say "Be right back, I have to throw some of this up." At least, that's what the bf says. It happens very rarely, and it's usually the result of lack of food, and excessive liquor as opposed to beer. So pass the microbrews.

    Oh....and if I say I'll be a DD, make sure I AM. Y'all could be one serious temptation.

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  34. I am not much of a drinker either but I will be making an exception for that weekend.
    You probably wont get a peep out of me unless I am three sheets tot he wind!
    Bring on the Vitamin R bitchs!!

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  35. I'll tell you exactly what will happen to me. I'll get so drunk the first night that my two day hangover will prevent me from even looking at alcohol for the rest of the weekend. Now if I can just pace myself and get pleasantly buzzed each night without risking a crippling hangover, I'll be happy. You'd think at my age, I could get control of myself... or not. LOL!

    I can't wait to hang with ALL of you, with or without alcohol!! It's going to be EPIC!!

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  36. @red_bella Thank heavens I'm gonna have a drinking buddy. After reading the comments here I thought I was the only lush going. Canada sounds a lot like Wisconsin, in fact I stayed at a Mexican resort where the Wisconsin group hung out with the Canadians the entire time due to similar behaviors, i.e. drunk and loud. I was in my early 30's then. I have slowed down now that I'm... *gasp* 44, and I can't drink like I used to.

    @Lindsay Rae Yes, we must eat! Most of my alcohol mishaps have been due to lack of food and/or mixing liquor types.

    @LKW I will repeat to myself, "Must not get too drunk on the first night" over and over. And, yes the true fun in all this is meeting all of you h00rs, with or without drink in hand!

    FFOOOORRRKKKSS!

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  37. LMAO. Like the rest of you, I am laughing not only at the post from LKW but to comments as well.
    Sorry I've been MIA for a while, life threw me some lemons and I had to go in search for tequilla and salt... Anyways....

    @LKW, I am pretty sure I am right there with you on needing a babysitter for this. I tend to get myself into a bit of "trouble", but I figured that since Layna.Lane is coming along and she tends to keep me in check I might be okay...or not? Haha.

    @LindseyRae are we still caravaning up to FORKS?!?! Let me know...you know how to contact me.

    I can not wait for the FOOOOORRRRRKKKKKSSSSS trip and meeting everyone who is coming. It will be the most EPIC adventure EVER!

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  38. Well I am a reformed "I drank more in high school than ever in my life" addict. Yes, I was the drunk cheerleader.
    Now, WTF? I get sick really easy or I go straight to my hangover. I swear, I think I have developed an allergy to alcohol but I will try my hardest to 1) watch all of you fucking drunks and 2) keep up with you all.
    So, let the shots of patron flow!

    Btw, I had fun already meeting Kitty_Elvis and tjbarber on Saturday!! (Guess who got drunker that night? Not any of us. My fucking husband!! What the hell!! He was my designated driver!)

    Can't wait for FFOOOORRKKS

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  39. @Micki_Martini Sounds like we will be the raging lushes of the bunch! Although JJ with her flask may give us a run for our money and she's got a small advantage being younger than us. But we seasoned lushes will give it our all, Oh yah I'm *gasp* 48 *gasp* so I got a few years on ya... Hangovers suck but hair of the dog always helps. I think the goal will be to remain permanently drunk the entire trip to avoid the hangover altogether. Hmmm that could be interesting on the Ferry back to the Island....

    I'll just treat it like camping... We start our morning with a little Balies in our coffee and go from there!

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  40. Sorry, I don't believe in babysitters. Just drink enough so that you don't remember it the next day. Make sure you keep bail money in your pocket, (most of) your clothes on, and at least a few friends around as an alabi - then you're good to go!

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  41. OMG!!!! I was *almost* at the point of trying to organise a trip to FOOOOOORRRRRRRKKKKKSSSSS!!!!!! but, frankly, I think I'm best kept away. I don't do the babysitting thing, and although I do draw the line at pissing anywhere I'm not supposed to (!), I DO get extremely lary and say lots of naughty stuff which gets me into lots of naughty situations :-o
    Hence, I'm a stay at home lush these days, just so that Mr.Cougar doesn't feel he has to keep an eye on me (which he doesn't - my 'entertainment' is purely of the unattainable kind, aka RPattz).
    Oh, but I sooooooo wish I could be there in FOOOOOORRRRRKKKKSSS!!!!!! with y'all - and I doubt any of you will be in a fit state to blog while there - so perhaps I'll just down my sorrows in a rather large vat of Shiraz that weekend anyways - kind of Twisisterleylurve huh?

    I thank you.

    vw:hiemmea huh?

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  42. @LKW: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA, OFLMFAO!I can just picture it. I have tears streaking down my face!

    As to the babysitter: I am a total non-drinker... as a matter of fact, I live to be the designated babysitter/driver! SOOOOOO to all concerned lushy whores, I am for hire, just like VermontserMom4Edward. I'm trying like hell to get there... I'm even willing to hire myself out as the designated stick in the mudd to keep everyone out of trouble. I have a feeling I will miss an epic good time if I can't go. Not to mention, I worry what will become of FFFOOOORRRRKKKSSS after the twitarded trip, Although it may be funny to assess the damage. LOL

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  43. Oh LKW! At first I thought you were going to say you were worried that you might try to make inappropriate sexual advances towards your Twitarded sistahs if you got too drunk! So, wow. Now that kind of makes puking or a hangover sound not so bad, huh?

    And I really think that I'll be disappointed if we are NOT pissing ourselves! At least some of you guys have to be funny in person! You are all effing hilarious here!

    If I take it easy between now and September, I will have gone a whole year without drinking so much that I lost time. Hmmmm. I'll be due!

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  44. I love to get shitfaced, especially with like-minded folks. Sure wish I could go to Forks with y'all.

    Maybe I'll just drink all that weeekend and pretend.

    You are too damn dangerous to be allowed out on your own in FOOOOORKS! Mr. LKW should consider an electronic monitoring bracelet!

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  45. @17foreverlisa - I can volunteer to be your smoking minder! I don't smoke, and although Sober Fooorkspimp has a general distaste for the habit, it's not something I get worked up about. However, drunk Fooorkspimp is the Cigarette Nazi. Seriously. When I was in college, a guy I liked whipped out a cigarette and his lighter, and I just went, "That's disgusting," took the ciggy from his hand, and threw it over my shoulder.

    I make a lot of friends, can you tell?

    @LindsayRae and Micki_Martini - I am with you on the eating thing, as long as whatever is eaten is not vibrant in color. THAT really freaks you out when it comes up later.

    @Shelbifer, sorry to hear about the recent lemons of the non-sexy variety. Hope all is well with you my dear!

    In all seriousness, this is going to be FUCKING AWESOME. FOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORRRRRRRRRRRRRRKKKKKKKKKSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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  46. I definitely won't pee from drinking too much, but I might from laughing too hard a all of you who do!!!! This is going to be entertaining.

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  47. @ VermontserMom4Edward - Wait? What? I thought you were going??? I am soooo sad now. Truly how can I help, if I can??? I want you to go. I remember that you are a non-drinker (and they are hard to come by in this group lol) and I was so happy that I knew one person I could hang with while in FFOORRKKSS and there would be no drink on the table :) What's the saying? sad panda face :(

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  48. @ All the non and light drinkers - I am feeling much better now :) Just make sure we all double check before leaving home that we have our cameras and video cameras primed and ready for all the drunken crazies ;) LOL!!!!

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  49. @Lisa - If I have to be the designated driver, then I'm going to torture you guys by picking the music. Don't make me break out the Bieber. I can't believe you're treating me this way after I agreed to sleep with you.

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  50. Ummmm since you are my roommate LKW I figured that duty fell to me....but it looks like you just bought me some freedom. You are the best roommate EVER...XO.

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  51. @Dangrdafne...I don't drink...but I do dance on tables and get in fights without the help of drinks ;)I am going to be scoping out the town for a RPatz sneaking around in beanie....must stay sharp.

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  52. *wipes tears from eyes*

    @LKW - I feel SO BAD for your mom on Christmas...that is the funniest shit I have ever heard.

    @Dangrdafne - I am also pretty much a non-drinker....you and I have a date to laugh hysterically at everyone else!!

    Epic I tell you EPIC!!!!! Is it September 30th yet?

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