[all pics - uber-HQ so clicky if you want to count pores and hair follicles - from Everglow]
The good news is that as you can probably guess, Eclipse is the highest rated of the three Twilight Saga films - Twilight was rated 50%, New Moon scored a lowly 27%, and Eclipse took the lead at 54%. Still not great, but slooowly climbing the ladder into semi-respectable territory. Honestly, I know that none of us really care that the movies tend to get panned on a regular basis. And some of the bad reviews were pretty fucking funny...I guess it's just easier to be funny when you're raking something over the coals than it is to be when you are doling out praise (not that we would know anything about that here at Twitarded...).
What? You think I'm gonna make fun of something here? Nope. Not me...
Not ol' Snarky... That's SO not my style... *whistles*
Not ol' Snarky... That's SO not my style... *whistles*
Anyway, I have gathered for your viewing pleasure some choice snippets - you can track the full reviews down here if you are so inclined!
There was a plethora of "Eclipse is not as bad as the first two but that's not saying much"-type reviews...
Though there are fewer dead-air gaps between words (gaps that in New Moon you could drive a truck through and still have time to file a nail), it still cries out for a transfusion.
Not as deathly dull as Twilight or as screamingly dull as New Moon, Eclipse is merely dull.
Twilight Saga: Eclipse is by far the best of the bestselling Stephenie Meyer novels-turned-movie. Keep in mind, West Nile Virus is similarly the "best" mosquito-borne illness and Portland, Oregon is the "best" city to be homeless.
Those who argue that it's 'better than the first two' are simply admitting how awful those movies were.
The best film in the series, though that's the equivalent of declaring Moe to be the sharpest Stooge.
May I suggest that the only way to enjoy the Twilight films is with the Rifftrax. [I would not say "only" but I'll agree with "one of"...]
Did they mention anything about best wolf-pack tattoo??? No??? WTF?!
And my favorite bad review - I have to admit I laughed out loud several times reading this -
It's that lack of chemistry and conviction and anything that might resemble charisma which makes you truly notice the fact that this film is 130 brutal, unnecessary minutes long.Tighter, scarier; this is the best of the Twilight films. Which is a lot like saying that getting punched is better than being stabbed.Of course, the general vibe amongst the crowd as soon as we stepped out of the theatre was "OH MY SHITTING GOD THAT WAS BETTER THAN BEING LUBED UP IN BUTTER AND GOING HEAD FIRST DOWN A SUPER FUN HAPPY SLIDE INTO A POOL FILLED WITH PUPPIES", so perhaps we just weren't made for Twilight. Or perhaps we were. Perhaps we're just denying our innate desire to choose between two perfect men whilst living in a town populated entirely by hot people and fir trees.
Kristin Stewart, an actress who shows amazing range and ability when not playing Bella, continues to do her best imitation of a cardboard cutout here.
The biggest problem remains the characters: neither Slade nor Stewart are capable of turning manipulative whinger Bella into anything more than a joyless black hole sucking the life from every scene.
The Twilight Saga: Eclipse is just one more walk on the mild sides for tweens [er, and non-tweens - sigh] who dream of being penetrated by cold flesh that will keep them young and cute forever.
Step aside, you creepy cougars: Finally, there's a Twilight suitable even for normal grown-ups.
Then there are the back-handed compliments [-ish - I honeslty can't tell if some of these are supposed to be slightly positive or slightly negative... let's hear it for ambiguity: the reviewer's easy way out!] -
Saved from erratic pacing and mawkishness by backhanded wit and a can-do supporting cast, will Eclipse win over the non-Twihard like New Moon could have? No, but it's a nice place holder until the last film comes along.
The choice of whether to see Eclipse isn't really a question of whether the movie is good or bad. It's a question of whether or not the movie speaks to your secret, unregulated, inherently ridiculous experience of identification and desire—not who you should be, but who you are. Does the warm blood of a teenager still flow beneath your icy grown-up flesh?
Viewers who value the little things, such as passable acting and dialogue not stolen from a sixth-grader’s diary, will once again walk away dazed, dumbfounded and partially deaf from all the surrounding squealing.
There's no middle ground with the Twilight saga: You either surrender to Stephenie Meyer's swoony tale of forbidden love, squeaky-clean teen style, or you just don't get it. [Er, or you surrender to fanfic...]
More pouting, mumbling and gazing into the distance, mainly. But hey. NOBODY does it better than these guys.
When it comes to the things this brand is famous for -- angsty canoodling, ethereal rocking out, truckloads of male beauty, Duran Duran-style make-up and culturally savvy jokes -- Eclipse actually goes one better than the last offering.
Slade has done an excellent job tapping into what Twilight fans want, regardless of how shamelessly their buttons are pushed.
Some critics actually had nice things to say!
Hold on tight, spider monkey. With its third installment, the Twilight series has reached dangerously close to competence.
And I think this review summed it up very succinctly:
This franchise wasn't made for critics. Team Edward or Team Jacob? If you don't have an answer to that question, then who really cares what you think anyway?