Eclipse was good. It was really good. I mean, it was so good that ML didn't try to smother me with a pillow or something after I made him go with me to see it (my third time; his one and only).
The first thing I noticed immediately was that Kristen Stewart was not as blinky and manically twitchy in this flick, so they either put her on some anti-seizure medication or gave her some acting lessons. Or David Slade was off screen with a cattle prod, threatening to zap her every time she went into a fit.
That's two times now, KStew. If you get all twitchy one more time I'm going to get the cattle prod. You don't want that, do you? DO YOU?!!!
If that's the case, thank you, David Slade. You really do deserve the blowjob I've been volunteered to give you.
They apparently also gave Jasper some laxatives or something because, for the first time, he didn't lurk on screen, grimacing like he had to take a massive shit.
Here's the thing about the Twilight saga and Jackson Rathbone that has always baffled me -- they seem to go out of their way to make him look absolutely fucking terrible, which is a shame because he's a really good looking guy. The first movie he looked like a constipated Edward Scissorhands wanna-be who fell into a vat of baby powder, in New Moon he looked like a drag queen with a poodle on the top of his head who was really pissed off (Jasper, not the poodle on his head), presumably because he was having bowel problems. And when the stills from Eclipse starting coming out, I totally thought Jasper was a girl and nicknamed him Jasmine.
I do remember groaning slightly every time I had to see that fuck-awful wig on Jasper at the beginning of the movie. But then it started growing on me. Especially when I realized that man can actually act. His southern accent made my nipples perky and I almost slid out of my seat when Jasper was riding the horse in his Civil War getup. I'd let him do bad, bad things to me in that outfit. Or without it.
Speaking of clothes, all of the costumes were good in Eclipse, except that I almost had an apoplectic fit when I realized that Edward was wearing mother fucking sweatpants in the training scene. Rumor has it that Robert Pattinson made this decision and I guess whoever was in charge of costumes that day was high or maybe dead because, HELLO, I can't think of any other reason why someone would be dumb enough to let RPattz pick out his own costume.
I know, I know -- they were actually "karate pants" (which is a fancy way of saying "still look like fucking sweatpants") but this is a man who did the pre-Eclipse fight/choreography training in shorts and black socks, so STILL not sure what they were thinking.
I don't care what fancy pants name you call those things. They're still sweatpants. Even Riley is fucking disturbed.
Speaking of Edward, I'm just going to echo pretty much everyone else in saying that he was super duper H-A-W-T in this movie and Angryward made my ladybits squeal. I think I was shoveling popcorn in my fat gob when that scene came on the screen and I totally dribbled kernels down my face and between my tits. I only know this because when I was standing outside the theater, I felt something weird between my boobs so I shook my dress out and a piece of popcorn landed on the floor.
I'm such a demure, classy bitch.
There is also something that Eclipse made me realize about myself. You might want to sit down, as this may come as a shock.
I am not a romantic. Seriously. I was never much of a romance novel person until I read the Twilight saga. And one of the main reasons I read the entire series was because I totally thought they were going to fuck like bunnies and all I got was some feathers and pillow biting and a fucking fade-to-mother-fucking-black.
Oh, Bella, I want to bury my sausage into your honey pot soooo bad but I'm ruled by an antiquated belief system that says I have to marry you before I can touch your boobies.
Now, don't get me wrong, I still loved all the lovey dovey eye-gazing and professions of undying love and adoration. I even dug the leg hitch. A lot. But how many times does Edward need to ask that dumb bitch to marry him?
And what the ever-loving fucking hell was up with that ring?! That ridiculous monstrosity was a fucking travesty. The only saving grace of that ring is the next time a bunch of rogue vamps come after Bella she can use it like iron knuckles and kick their asses. Then it would be okay because what I really, really liked about Eclipse were the fight scenes.
The best scene of the movie was when the Cullens were chasing Victoria through the woods. As James would say, it was "visually dynamic". The wolfpack was fucking amazing and I think I was giddy with bloodlust when they finally got around to kicking some newborn ass. The action scenes were incredibly well done and I thought they made the movie. I thought the one part where Esme and Carlisle kind of work together to rip some newborns head off was awesome, and I luuurrrrved the whole fight sequence between Edward and Victoria.
But it would have been even better if Rachelle Lefevre was playing Victoria instead of that simpering twit. She just couldn't handle that role and the only thing that saved her was the fact that Riley was in pretty much every speaking scene she was in, because he was fucking awesome.
And he was pretty easy on the eyes, too. Rawr.
Really, the only major complaint I have about this movie is Carlisle's helmet hair and ridonkulously terrible accent. Because of it, I now feel compelled to say "ahhhhhhmay" every chance I get and then people look at me like I'm stupid, which really isn't much different then how they look at me anyway, but still. I don't need any help looking dumb, Carlisle.
Not even an ahhhmay of Newborns will get through my perfectly coiffed helmet hair! [Or seven layers of scarves.]
Oh and Taycob's teeth are way too white. It's distracting me from ogling his six-pack.
In a nut